Y&R - I'm a Bad Dad

I feel awful. On Monday I only got 15 minutes of the show, on Tuesday I got no show, on Wednesday I got the show BUT have no internet at my house because of punk ass bitch Ernesto. Maybe the internet will be back today, I don't know, maybe, hopefully. If it is I have something planned for the weekend centered around Dru with her LovelyLadyLumps.

I HOPE Jase's pics of a shirtless, sweaty, speedo-ed Dan Gauthier have eased your pain (surely the lack of updates has caused you pain, right? Shut up, Darn).

So don't abandon me because nature hates Florida! Pleaseandthankyou.

OLTL - Dan Gauthier: Greco-Roman Ideal or God Made Flesh? SAVE HIM!

Hi there, folks. Dan Gauthier's White Speedo here. You may know me from such work as this photo. I've come to rap with you kids today to discuss a pressing matter of great urgency. No, it's not about me - my time is gone now. It's all cheapo European work for me, and the men are usually sweaty French bears. It's about my buddy Dan. Look at him up there. So resolute. Eyes like an eagle. Basket of a Spanish racing horse! Mmmmm, sooky sooky now.

Ahem. Anyway, as I was saying...this is about my old pal, Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. Dan, my friend! We've had many great adventures together! It's too late for me...but not for you! Not for you! Not if you folks out there help. You see, ABC Daytime has...fired Our Dan.

RADIOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know, y'all. I know! I know!!

But here's where we draw the line. For Dan. For Teen Witch. For that skin flick he did. For Melrose Place. And for Kevin, y'all. You see, there is something you can do, if you listen to your old buddy White Speedo. First of all, you can go to the Campaign for Kevin website and follow all the crazy instructions. Secondly, you can email Brian Frons and Frank Valentini directly at brian.frons@abc.com and frank.valentini@abc.com. Heck, you could even try their boss at anne.x.sweeney@abc.com. And call the official One Life to Live phone comment line at 212-456-3338 and put the motherfuckers on blast! Tell them White Speedo sent you! Don't call or write just once, either! Repetition is important! Stalk the motherfuckers! Play it like a bill collector! Day after day! All night long, like Vince Vaughn, like Lionel Ritchie! Heed White Speedo! Save Dan! Remember the Alamo! Surrender Dorothy!

The remainder of Dan's clothes are depending on you.

Y&R - Monday - Tropical Storm Ernie

This is a short one.

Bastard.

Due to Hurricane Tropical Storm Ernesto I didn't get all of today's episode.

BUUUUUUUUT what I did see was OR-FUCKING-GASMIC!

I'm with Victor, fuck apples! Pop, pop! Haha! With their...skin and their...insides. Always acting better than oranges. So high and mighty. You're no better than anyone else.


I'm sure Sharon was upset that Victor was taking over her Resident Newman Nutjob position. Can't share the limelight, can you, Scarecrow?

John "Jack" Abbott, Jr. is Love. John "Jack" Abbott, Jr. is Ghetto. Trash bags (Gloria's bags of animal...print...I bet she skins a tiger every morning "I can AFFORD it NOW that I am MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, CAN'T I JOOOOOHN?!")? That is beautiful and brilliant and my Jack love is undying. UNDYING. The key dangling? Let's go to Canada and get married and then in the future they can splice our DNA and we can have biracial babies with fantastic hair and typing skills! Think of it, Jack, think of the possibilities!

The manipulation of John could have turned Jack into the villain in this story, could have completely turned us against him and had us (and by "us" I mean "me", I only speak for myself) begrudgeoningly go to her side and I think that was attempted, however Peter Bergman's performance saved what is a questionable plot point. Jack having his mentally incapacitated father write a will that leaves out his wife? On paper that's fairly horrifying. In performance and direction? Near brilliance.

I've never seen an actor on a soap with so many Emmy worthy performances. Is PB doesn't win there is no justice. No justice! No peace! No justice! No peace!

Y&R - Friday - Delicious

PHOOOOOMP! BOOMPPPPP!
MMMMMMMFUM!

Anybody else hear that?

I'm fairly certain that was the sound of Dru spilling out of her dress and into my living room. I'm fairly fucking certain. Hot damn, did VR look stunning or what? And she's how old? And Neil is how stupid?

Do you not get it, Carmen? Dru will. Beat. Yo. Ass!

This is not an opinion, this is not a promise, this is not a proposal, this is fact. The sun rises in the east, your ass gets beat in the west! I'm sorry but it's true!

Well, let me tell you somethin' Neil Winters, you ain't playin' me! You ain't playin' Drucilla and I ain't havin' it!

SHE'S NOT HAVIN' IIIIIIIIIT, MOTHERFUCKER! Uh-uh, no sir. Ooooooh, you in so much trouble. Ooooooooh!



How bombass was Dru spying on those heathens with her binoculars? How does that not make her a winner in life? She is THE winner. One and only. [Rocky jog]




Gloria: I will never forgive you for what you've done, Jack. Never.

Like he needs or desires your fucking forgiveness, you clown-faced back alley whore (that's what you should have said, Jack but good job, good job).

Ya know, some days I long for the days of Chrstine and her brand of boring and then, then I see her face and "No, not really." Moving on.

I've decided that Lynn Marie Latham has no great love for Brad, she merely saw a character on canvas with a shady past, a past that she could create. That seems to be her MO, creating new characters using the current cast. She merely pays lip service to the past and that can only sustain your audience for so long. Thankfully the show has a lot of built up goodwill but you can only survive on that for so long.

Oh no, Victor, you're not seeing angels, that's just Phyllis as Virgin Mary. I suppose if Mary Magdalene can go from Jesus' bride to a common whore then a psychotic homewrecker can have an immaculate conception. Call the networks! We've got a miracle here!

I swear to God everytime Victor is onscreen I feel like I'm watching a horrible sitcom called...

I know that's completely tasteless of me and I apologize. But the last time I had taste was in the womb, so really.

And In Defense of Zapato: He didn't want the Robotot OR Psycho In The Making holding him, he wanted his Victor back! He missed you! He appreciated the letters and the phonecalls but there's nothing like having you rub his belly. Family? Come on, Victor, we know who's your real family here. I heard Nikki was fucking Miguel. On the china! That's just what I heard.

Y&R - Thursday - Too Much And Never Enough

What is there to say? What? I don't know. I have so much going through my head right now. I feel like taking today's script and dissecting it. That last scene was exhausting, wasn't it? You know how if you're in a seat with arms how you grab the arms and kinda lift yourself out of the seat when a scene gets really good and you're anxious for the next line? That was me today. I love this show.

I AM JOHN ABBOTT!

In Defense of Jack: There is no conceivable way that Jack or Ashley could have delivered their eulogies comfortably with Gloria right there, probably blowing her nose into Kevin's lapel. Jack would have been glaring at her and Ashley would have been disgusted and the tension would have filled the church like a gas. No one could have mourned peacefully. Was he right? No. Was he doing this selfishly? No. I do think they would have been better served to go with separate services.

And Peter Bergman wins at...life.

I think I kinda love Traci. She just seems like a big ball (not a fat joke) of vulnerable. I wanted to hug her when she was going on about her daddy. Poor kid (okay, she's 20 years older than me, still).

I guess Kay and Jill can't even have individual camera shots. I fully expected them to deliver their eulogy together, alternating lines.

The flashbacks were golden. Perfectly chosen. John really was a nice guy, wasn't he? Sigh.

A FEW THINGS FOR THE FUCKING RECORD

Clair: It's LET THE RECORD SHOW.

I know, Clair.

Clair: FIX IT, HEATHCLIFF!

Shut up, Clair.

Gloria, in half an hour, went from ME ME ME to MY FAMILY MY FAMILY MY FAMILY. Here is why: She needed allies, she knew damn well that this was about HER being utterly repulsive but in order to assure that Michael, Kevin (those bastards, I'll get to them in a sec) and Lauren would be on her side and not consider Jack's point of view for a second she started in on this MY FAMILY business. She saw that she was losing and decided that she should pull them in to make it US against THEM because she is a selfish, self-centered cowbeast.

Michael, you shut you goddamn mouth with "This is classic Jack.", let's talk about "Classic Michael". Who are you gonna stalk and nearly rape next, Mikey? Compared to you Jack is Father Fucking Teresa. I still love you but ya lost me a little with that line.

Kevin, you piece of refried shit, listen up, motherfucker (I bet you would, you nasty bastard), don't you dare defend that woman in the same room where the girl you tried to kill, her uncle, her aunt and her mother stand. Who do you think you ARE? I kick you!

Judith Chapman is one of the greatest actresses of our time, you know why? Because nothing would give me more pleasure than to pop Gloria in the face.

Seriously, PB and JC were fantastic in that confrontation. So much hatred in every line. Okay, clearly Judith can't move forehead and Peter needs to move away from the bronzer but that's neither here nor there, they were phenomenal.

Hey, did anything else happen today? I can't even remember.

That wasn't a joke. I really don't remember.

Y&R - Wednesday - Giggly Heffa

Well, goodness, who is Dru to ask about her husband's apparent infatuation with another woman? Seriously, back off chick, you're way out of line bothering your husband and his POTENTIAL MISTRESS! God, Dru, get a grip! HOW DARE YOU? LEARN YA PLACE, DRUCILLA, LEARNYAPLACE!

The last thing I ever want to see is Neil opening a club on this show and desperately trying to be "cool" and " with it". He'll put Chuck Berry on the record player and say things like "Oh yeah, this is where's it at! I hear it, I feel it, of yeah, this is my jam! Get down to get doooown! Who wants to do the electric slide?! ".

Gloria: John's thing? [rummage, rummage] Where are the copious pictures of meeee?!

Yes, yes, Gloria, you were a part of John's life for all of two years. Guess what? Jack and Ashley were his kids for 50 YEARS! You were the last stop in John's seemingly endless string of fucked up women. Except for Mamie, she was badass.

Jack is Love. I love when he's up to something. Sure, everything, EVERY SINGLE THING, he does backfires right in his face but he's still a loveable bastard while he does it. Love you, Jack.

But as much as I hate Gloria, her face while Jack hugged her was priceless. All bugs eyes and batshit. Awesome, awesome.

Nick: Heheh.
Phyllis: Heh.
Nick: HEHEHEHE!
Phyllis: Giggggglee!
Nick: Giggle!
Phyllis: Gigglicious!
Nick: Hurhurhur!
Phyllis: Hehe!
Nick: Ayeyeyeye!
Phyllis: Giggly!
Me: [gun to head, splat]

Noah's gonna be one of those 30-year-old guys who go on "dates" with their moms where the "dates" consist of the two of them sitting at home having TV dinners, isn't he? Yeah he is. She's gonna make sure of it. Cause momma's gonna need a hug when she's lost her purse or misplaced her pills or broken a hip.



Sharon: You stay with me forever, right? Foreverever!

Noah: I am dying inside!

Sharon: Oh you!

Y&R - Tues - Whothehelldoesshethinksheis?

Is Gloria out of her UFCKNIG NIMD?

Imagine my face like this as I talk about this nasty, nutty heffa.

Who are you to lecture ANYONE on it "not being about yooooooou!" ? Have you met yourself? Do you know that literally every word that comes out of your mouth is "me", "my" or "I". "I am John's wedding, MY husband died, what about MEEE?"

Whataboutyouyouvilepieceoftrash? All your presence does is remind us that John would be ALIVE if you hadn't come into his life! You took this good man and made him absolutely miserable. Good job, GLO! They're furnishing your condo in HELL.

Goddamn! I--I hate her more than I hate peas and I really fucking hate peas. Little green balls of awful.

Oh shit, Kay, you just went against Gloria, she's gonna turn on you ass! And I mean literally turn! RUN! DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU STANDS DEATH!

JT: Hey.
Colleen: Hey...
JT: How ya doin'?
Colleen: Okay. Not really. I still can't believe he's gone.
JT: What? You're still grieving? But--but we had sex.
Colleen: Yeah but I'm still so sad.
JT: But I don't understand, I've got the magic stick. [boing] You broken? Damn you!

Hey, heeey, LilBastard, come'r, come'r. Your mom's sad, right? And you dad's not home, right? Stealing an IPod isn't gonna get him home! I know how to get him home! Set the house on fire. Just a little. I bet you didn't know that mommies don't burnt, did you? Do it while mom's asleep. No, no, she'll sleep right through, it's all good. Here's a lighter and some gas, it's only a gallon but you should be good. Stop crying! Don't be a bitch, stop being a bitch before you get slapped like one. Go on now, git!

What?

THE MYSTERIOUSSSSSS PASSSSST OF CARMEN MESSSSTA!

Hmmm, no. Next.

Y&R - Monday - Hindenburg? "I HAD TO SMOKE!"

Gloria on the Titanic: Ships go down ALL THE TIME! I'VE CHIPPED A NAIL! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE SOME PRIORITIES, JAA-AAA-AAACK!

Gloria on Nuremberg: I danced for a few gentlemen in NUREMBERG, they tipped WELL, THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE! STOP JUDGING THEM, JAAA-AA-AAAAACK! I KNOW FROM PAIN!

Gloria on Chernobyl: I was there, JAAA-AAA-AAA-AACK! I HAVE THE SCARS TO PROVE IT! I was behind iiiiiiiiit! No, no, you didn't hear that! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Today was the first day that I wanted to physically hurt Gloria. I can't wait until John's funeral! Only because, with any hope Gloria will jump in the casket with him. Jack (or Peter Bergman) was SOOOO close to telling her "TOUGH SHIT!" when she was going on about John's funeral. Loved it.

I know that all I could think of after my grandfather died was fucking somebody. Okay. Yeah, blah, blah, blah death makes you want to feel alive. Whatever. Shut up, JT. Like you know about losing a grandparent, your deepest story on this show involved your girlfriend having a miscarriage during a commercial break.

But BOY is JT gonna make a mess. He's been saving up for that girl for damn near 5 years. Get ready for some clean up, Col.

Yeah, yeah, Nick and Phyllis are gonna have a girl. And she's gona have red hair. And she'll be sickeningly precocious. And her name will be...Casey. Why don't they just fuck on her grave? JUST FUCK ON HER GRAVE!

Sharon: My gosh, I've never been in a scene with so many black people before! This is different. When do we dance?

And of course she joins the scene and it become All About Sharon. When is Sharon not suffering from PTSD? Every other Saturday? Matt Clark, Cameron Kirsten and now guy's whose name I don't even know. Poor, poor, LilBastard.

Oh no, Lily's stuck on stupid again. What made her think any member of her family would be okay with Daniel being there? We do not need Christel Khalil levels of dumb on this show again. I think Sharon is quite enough for the next decade. BUT she won me over when after Devon said "I got you something to remind you how special you are." she said "Boy, I already know I'm special, I don't need no reminding but thanks!". Love, love, love.

And THE MOTHACLUCKIN' BEST for last! The Return--THE RETURN OF--DUN, DUN, DUNDUN--
FAN!

Fan, Fan, how have you been? What have you been up to?
Fan: Just doin' what I do, baby. You know.
Ya look good, ya look great.
Fan: You always say things that I know! But thank you, thank you kindly.
So where were you for so long?
Fan: You know Vicky, she's got her plans, I got mine. Schedules, schedules. But finally that one week something gelled and everything worked out well.
So any return trips in the near future?
Fan: I dunno, I don't know. You gotta ask Lynn or Vicky, I go where life takes me. I'm a free spirit! You know how I do, YOU KNOW!

Y&R - Oh Crap on a Cracker

TWOP is down for the whole FUCKING DAY. Sonuvabitch. I blame Glark. Or Zapato!!!

Or the server. Whatevers.

If anyone wants to discuss it here, feel free. I'll start! I hope today involves a lot of "Shut up, Gloria" and "Die, you psychotic chop shop." But that's just me.

Y&R - Friday - MAKING A GROWN ASS MAN CRY!

***This post may be interrupted by my uncontrollable sobbing***

Oooooooooh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man.

I don't even feel like typing. OOOOOOOH MAN!

I fuckingfuckingfuckingfuckingFUCKING hate this show so damn damn damn much right now!

And you know what? Fuck Gloria. Fuck her in her creepy big ass eyes. She wasn't even there today! Didn't see her, didn't smell her!

Okay, Ashley, OKAY, OKAY, FINE, I'll lay off you now. Actually at one point Eileen Davidson kept her head down for about half a scene and it just chipped away at my cold, cold heart. She just seemed so...broken.

Peter Bergman, you kill me. KILL ME. I AM DEAD. How does he do it? Honestly, how? His face, washed in utter bewilderment, just said so much with so little. Fuck everybody else, for my money he is undoubtedly THE BEST actor on daytime right now. Fuck, on television.

Jack and Phyllis, Phyllis referring to herself as John's daughter-in-law is when I started tearing up. I thought that was terribly sweet her and I haven't found Phyllis genuinely likeable in a long, long time. Jack + Phyllis 4evah!

And just because John was a good father, the best type of soap dad, he'd kick you when you've fucked up and hug you when you needed daddy.

RIP, John Abbott
We'll miss you, Jerry. Hey, look on the bright side, no more clucking from whosherstupid.

Much as I hate Nick and Phyllis and their fuckbaby, beautiful symmetry between John's death and their embryo of adultery. Should've been Michael and Lauren (though of course they were where they should have been, I'm just being petty) but hey, ya know, well done.

Trivial and Meaningless Stuff

Go ClackClack! I hope she keeps Brad in their loveless marriage. Still don't like her but hate him just a little bit more.

Good God, Drucilla. You don't have to be roommates with Sharon. This isn't A Different World, you can choose where you want to live, you don't have to live with Maggie. At least if you're gonna stay there bring your own sheets and towels, Nick's jizz is all over the place. Trust me on this.

And one last pic.

The Last Photo of the Abbott Men

Oh come on, you know I had to. Don't you judge me.

Y&R - Thursday - You're A Mean One

Hmmm, apparently my heart is the size of Gloria's soul.








Honestly, the woman's husband is dying and I feel...nothing for her. Nothing at all. Whatsoever. It's sad really. Not Gloria's pain, my lack of empathy. If John died a thousand times I'd be like "HAHA, bitch! Whatchu gonna do now?! Again, again, again!".

Not that I want John to die. I just reallt hate her.

There aren't very many soap patriarchs worthy of a Week Long Death March, luckily for us John Abbott IS worthy and this one is being executed with patience and eloquence. Except for the nattering chickenheaded creature who supposed "cares" "for" "and" "loves" "her" "dear" "husband" "so" "very" "much". Why can't Jill choke a bitch? Jill can choke her and Kay can use her claw-like Lee Press-Ons to scratch her eyes out!

Colleen offers Billy comfort during this Abbott family crisis.

Ugh, what a wrong, wrong, WRONG time to bring on a recast.

Okay, the reliquary nonsense is over yet all the people involved in that disaster of a story are still onscreen. Sometimes I wish Y&R was like other soaps, on other soaps when a story bombs the characters involved in that story slowly disappear. I'm talking to you, Brad, Paul, JT and Sharon. Poof, bitches, poof!

Neil and anyone not named Drucilla Barber Winters = Downgrade.

What man in his right mind trades in

All

Of

Dis

For summa dis

No. NO, WAIT, BAD EXAMPLE! Shit.

Whatsherboring is pretty but at least Dru has some personality to speak of. For a man with no testes Neil sure does have an embarassment of riches.

Bastard.

GH - Mon/Tues - Scratch 'n Sniff Ho

(Scene: The lake house. Ric and Sam have pressed the meat. The afterglow is in full effect.)

Ric (sniffing the air) : Hey...hey, you smell that?


Sam: oh my god what the fuck barbeque. just do not speak to me.
Ric: No, no, come on...come on, you gotta smell that. Did the septic system back up when the generator went down? Jesus. What is that? It smells like...death in the Bayou. Like poached eggs and menstruation!
Sam: Maybe you're smelling your own sin, Riiic. Maybe you're smelling what you did to me.
Ric: Jigga what? Sam -
Sam: Oh, you knows what you dids. You knows! You...m-mounted me just to get one over on Jason. This was all about Jason. But you know what, it's never gonna happen again, and that's because Jason's gonna shoot you when he finds out! So smell your sin while you can, Ric! Smell it! While your olfactory senses still work!


Ric: Uh-huh, okay. (snif snif) Sam, is that...I don't know of a delicate way to put this, is...is that...you?


Sam (clutching her clothes to herself) : What? What? What the hell are you talking about now, Ric? I don't want to hear any more of your filth! It's bad enough that you roofied me and date raped me like a common trick!
Ric: Date rape? Date rape? Bitch, you crazy! I - seriously, how can you not smell that? Sam, it's - it's coming off you in waves, I'm not trying to go for a cheap shot, but honestly, it, I, I was in Rangoon once, in some really horrible areas, with, you know, the dead, and it kind of smelled like that. It smells like the killing fields, okay?! It smells like...Neosporin, diapers, and whipped cream! Sam, how long have you been wearing those clothes? Why are you just putting them back on? Listen, the shower still works - we have a garden hose -
Sam: What, so you can rape me with it? Like Ray Liotta did in that movie? Fuck Ray Liotta! Fuck your shower, Ric! Fuck your shower and fuck you! You're a monster, Ric! A monster and Jason is going to put you down for me! The whole time you were with me you were thinking of Jason! Jason, Jason, Jason!


Ric: Okay, Sam, look - look, just, just calm down and listen, just sniff the air, because there are spots...in front of my eyes...guh...Sam, please...please...it smells like week old raw mutton with about a gallon of White Diamonds poured all over it...


Sam: Well, I'm sorry you don't like my fragrance of the day, Ric, but unfortunately I didn't put it on for fucking you! Besides, White Diamonds has always brought me luck! Until now! Until fucking now!
Ric (coughing) : Sam, you gotta listen to me, okay, we're far from the road; we're on the edge of the woods. The...the animals, of the forest, they will come here if they smell you. We are not prepared for their first wave! Sam, we have no locust screens on the doors, you have to act fast! Koff koff! Ah, God, my lungs are filling! I am begging you, burn those clothes!


Sam: Oh - why, Ric? Why, so you can just get me naked again and have nonconsensual sex with me that is all about JASON again?! Jason, he is fifteen times the man you are, fifteen hundred times! I just picked that number out of the air, it could've been any number, because you are slime, Ric, you are an insect! For what you have done to me! You and your frigid bitch wife! God, you sicken me!
Ric (doubling over, hacking) : Gah! Ugh! Muh! Sam! Sam - I can hear them! I can hear the animals! They're angry, Sam, you've made them angry! You've violated their ecosphere! Sam, for Christ's sake, your dress has my biological...material...all over it...how can you just wear that?


Sam: It's something you could never understand, Ric. See, unlike you, I wasn't born with a bunch of silver dicks in my mouth! My family struggled and scrimped, we didn't have your Ivy League schools or your perfect clothes, sometimes we even made clothes, we had to make it work! Just like I have to every day! I put my clothes on, I'm good to go! You know what you're smelling, Ric, you're smelling reality, you're smelling a real woman, without all your snooty white-collar pretensions! So take a whiff, motherfucker! Take a huge fucking whiff!
Ric: Gaaauugghh! (collapses)

...And then she vomited on it, wiped vomit on it, and went back to the lake house still wearing it! What the fuck, Sam? What the fuck? Wat teh fukc??!!!111

Seriously though, kids, it's good to be back. I am sorry I have been gone while Darn has been biting my style every single day for weeks. I was working hard for the money, so hard for it honey, pretty much 5 days straight all week long for five to six weeks, trying to make that paper for the summer and for when I finish school in the winter. But I am back now, and trying to get back into the swing of things. It doesn't help that I have to now follow DOOL again, as it's getting very good as the new writers are now on the scene. Yes, there will be some kind of Austin and Carrie memorial post. "Austin and Carrie: Nazi Vanilla Pecan Love Fantasy."

GH and Guza have to be trying to sabotage Sam a la Courtney, etc. Only Sam would go that bugshit after willingly fucking Ric and make it all about Jason, then come back to the house and still give Alexis attitude. And I'm sorry, let me first qualify this: I detest Jason and Steve Burton and want them off the show immediately. And, I hated Jason/Liz (Jiz: Rich and consistent) in the '90s, I've hated every Liz pairing except the one with Greg Vaughan's Lucky, but this


was the hottest shit I have seen on the show since Ted King and Tamara Braun in Ric's panic room. Unbelievable. And then the tenderness, oh laws, Teh Tenderness. The sweet talk and romantic discussion. Wistful lovelinesss. Mmmm. Mmmm. I am no Liz fan...person...but that was incredible material and I agree that this has to be more than a one nighter and then back to Lucky and Sam for good. Or it should be more, anyway. Burton was even more into it than she was.

I don't even know what those scenes with Lulu, Dillon, and Georgie were. I was completely focused on Scott Clifton's chest and nipples through his shirt. I'm sorry. I don't understand why Dillon is so fucking casual and civil with Lulu now either. "Oh, you broke up me and my wife, haha, no biggies! Later, girlfrenn!"

Low on snark because I am just getting back and frankly a lot of scenes have been good these last two days. God help me. I hope some of y'all missed me. I will get on OLTL and DOOL later.

Y&R - Wednesday - %$#^@!

SURE, I RECORD THE SHOW BUT, BUT, BUT I RECORD IT ON MUTE! I mean, What The Fuck, Dumbass? GAH!

Here is how I assume things went down.

Paul and Brad -- I bet my TV put itself on mute when it saw those assholes in the first scene.

Paul: So yeah.
Brad: I know, I know.
Paul: Nazis? Really?
Brad: I don't know. I'm Jewish!
Paul: And I'm Hindu! I mean, come on!
Brad: Seriously.

They've oldified Brad's mom. Good on them. I'm sure this Kapton family scene is a tedious recap of this stupid story. Sometimes the deaf have it good, no?

Brad: Phew!
Victoria: Yeah.
Brad's mom: Oy!
Colleen: The WMDs are in our garage, officer!
Abby: I hate you all.

Brad: Gibbergibberwho?
JT: Gibbergibberwha?
[handshake]

Holy shit, look at Sharon's hair. It's completely different lengths. No seriously. That's weird.

Phyllis is back and no fatter than before. Is the baby growing in her ass?

Gloria looks like a wet dog. Oh, this doesn't look good. The doctor's saying something not...good. Oh no, here comes Gloria, she's about to speak. I'm covering my ears and I can't heat the bitch. That's an issue.

Gloria: I'M MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, JOHN WON'T DIE, HE'LL MULTIPLY! I'M MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, MISSUS JOHN ABBOTT, MADAME ABBOTT, LADY ABBOTT, LEAVE ME ALONE!

Colleen: Oh my God, Billy, were you in a bar fight? Why is your face all swollen?

I'll say this for NuPugFacedBilly, he's got the Abbott family stinkface down, the one his brother and sister have perfected over the years.

Abby: Grandpa's dying?
Ashley: Well, we don't know, sweetheart.
Abby: It's okay if he does.
Ashley: Huh?
Abby: We can make him better. Stronger. Faster.

Man does Victoria Rowell know how to keep the puppies in check. And I'm not talking about Zapato. Heeeeeeeey, Lily, you forgot to change out of your nightgown.

Phyllis and Nick--only a week long respite from them and their schmoopiness? Spare me.

And I can't watch anymore. It's no fun if I can't hear these selfish pricks go on and on about themselves.

Better luck tomorrow. SIGH.

Y&R - Tues - Are You There, God? It's Me, Nutjob

GOD: Why is everybody fucking with me today? The hell? I got shit to do, Nicole! I spent good time turning you from a stripper to the wife of a multi-billionaire. If you can't keep your shit straight, what am I to do? I've got 5,999,999,999 more of you motherfuckers! And this nattering old bitch, Glo--Gloria? Yeah, her. She's asking for shit too! And she killed somebody, on purpose! See, I LIKE John Abbott, he's a good dude, THAT IS WHY I taking him away from that cornucopia of crazy he calls a wife.

Gloria: God, I know I'm the LAST person that should be here--
God: Shit! >crash< Dropped the cure for AIDS, thanks dumbass. What do you want?
Gloria: My husband, John, he's--he's dying--
God: I know these thing, hello, check the name. Next!
Gloria: Please, dear Lord, please, my husband, John, he can--
God: I know what you're asking for and I said "Next!" because if you think for one MeDamn minute that I'm gonna help YOUR nutty ass you have another think coming.
Gloria: But--
God: Shut up.
Gloria: But God, come on--
God: Shut. Up.
Gloria: Bu--but--
God: Smite.

I guess they needed to remind us that everyone else is Catholic/Presbyterian/Baptist/Etc. to balance out the one Jew. Genoa City was almost overrun with synagogues! I got scared!

Let's take a moment to appreciate Peter Bergman and Eileen Davidson and Jeanne Cooper and Jess Walton before we dig into NuBilly. They're all pretty great, aren't they? You can feel the emotion. I'm sure some of those tears are for losing a co-star that they love.

Okay, the newbie who literally STARTED TODAY gets an emotional deathbed scene with John. Yeah, that's gonna resonate. "Is he even gonna know who I am?" What do you think, motherfucker? You just got there! You went from wardrobe to the set! Jerry's thinking "I thought David was coming back?! Forget this, I'm going to sleep!". Speaking of John/Jerry, doesn't he look a bit like The Joker with his hair the way it is with him lying on the bed.

Dru is a fun drunk. Neil wasn't a fun drunk. Point 2,980,789,8764,921,234.78 to Dru.

I made a commitment to posting about this show and God ("WHAT?!"), I don't want to but it WAS on the show. It happened. Can't be ignored. The reliquary nonsense. Let's get to it.

They found a bomb, if that isn't motherfukin' apropo, I don't know what the motherfuck is.

What did they call you in high school, Brad? Thunder Thighs Kaplan? He just murdered someone with his thighs! What in the holy fuck are we watching here? I don't understand? I don't understaaaaaaand! It's like some sort of sick mindfuck. First of all you put Brad, JT and Sharon in a room with a bomb that doesn't go off! That's not right. It's NOT RIGHT. So close yet so far. And then the music stops and the show turns into a low rent production of West Side Story. Ooooh, Brad's confronting the man who killed his family, why should we care when Don Diamont goes from 0 to 1 on the emotional scale? Let's scrap this and rethink all of the characters involved in this tale. It's been uniformly awful.

Though it did make me go out and look for pics from West Side Story and this is just priceless.

Brad and George back in the day

Y&R - Monday - Making a Grown Man Cry

Alright, I have a feeling this week is gonna be split between shit I absolutely hate and stuff I adore beyond description. Let's get the Shitty Shitty Shit Shit out of the way.

Paul: We have a location for the shipping container!
Brad: Fantastic.
Paul: And Sharon may be there!
Brad: Spectacular.
Paul: And Sharon may, just may, be alive!
Brad: Awe-inspiring.

"Hey, Don, let's play that a little more low-key next time. Go!"

Two things this story asks us to do in spades, A) Care for Sharon, which, no. No, thank you, I'll have that without mayo. B) Asks us to buy the idea of these people willing to MURDER for this thing yet being dumb enough to take a replica that was put together in 2 hours time. 70 years of murder and death and kidnappings galore and they're gonna buy THIS TRINKET THAT SUDDEN ART HISTORIAN CLACKCLACKFUCKINGNARMFACE PUT TOGETHER BETWEEN CLEANING THOSE SPEARS SHE CALLS TEETH AND REFEREEING HER CYLON HUSBAND AND CRO-MAGNON BROTHER.

Oh, totally buy it. Totally. I feel like Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed right about now. Slap, slap and I keep coming back for more. Don't make me set you ablaze, show.

Lines Gloria Said In My Head

Gloria: John WILL get better! John WILL come home! And I, I Gloria ABBOTT, WILL have MY HUSBAND BACK! And BY GOD if that means I have to prop his corpse up like that nice Mr. Lomax I WILL!

Gloria: Jill, Jill, I know he WAS your husband, everyone knows I AM his wife now and that you WERE his wife long, long ago!

Jill: Okay, and...?

Gloria: OH NOTHING, I merely wanted to reiterate that for the viewing audience, "Hello, my darling fans! Kisses!".

Audience: Die.

Katherine: I'm very impressed with the way you're handling things.

Gloria: As well you should BE. Under similar dire circumstances I would have EATEN an orderly BY NOW! Self-control, thy name is GLORIA ABBOTT!

Gloria: WHERE IS THE NICU?! MAMAHUNRGY!

Now For The Good Shit,
Breathe It In

Katherine, oh Kay, my love. You spin gold into...more gold type things. My point is that you're incredible and children should be made to clean your feet.

But the scene, the scene that got to me was Jill and John. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. When she said Gloria is like her, yeah, okay, in some ways, Jill's better but I love the idea that John went for someone like Gloria because she reminded him of Jill. Jess Walton was just magnificent. I've only been watching Y&R for 5-6 years but just looking at her face you could see their decades of history. The scene was exceptionally written and somethings you just can't write, you can't write history but it was there in spades. Sniff. Stupid show.

Ashley and Jack being all brother and sister-like never loses.

Dru, alone, half-drunk and Victoria Rowell earning one easy ass paycheck. What's not to love?

Y&R - Friday - People I Hate

Gloria needs a stiff kick in the ass.

I hatehateHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE HER.

Does she have one redeeming characteristic? No. She's not funny anymore, you know why? She killed someone. She doesn't have true love for her children, you know why? She uses them whenever the mood suits her. She doesn't truly love John, you know why? She wouldn't purposely put a wedge between him and his children if she did. She expects him to accept her criminal kids but JackJackJackJack is so meanmeanmean and Ashley is notnotnotnice! And I don't buy for a second that she's afraid John might die, not for John anyway, she's worried about losing John for herself. Fuck John and his kids and grandkids, Gloria's losing HER husband! WahWahWah!

And someone needs to check the nutty heifer for Grave's disease because her eyes are thisclose to rolling out of her head and having a couple of kids play marbles with them. Either that of she's part Muppet and I like Muppets.

Love the Daily/Dily/SitOnIt but it's a little too soon for them to be reconnecting, don't you think? Though those two are clearly miserable without each other. Poor kids. And wow, does Kevin not need to be giving relationship advice to Daniel about Lily, the girl he statutorily raped. Are we supposed to forget this? It certainly feels like we're supposed to forget or brush aside their sordid history. That's a real shame, it would help this iffy storyline immensely.

Dru: Sweetie, what time is it?
Neil: Time?
Dru: Yes, sweetie.
Neil: Time is a fragile thing. Like a house of cards built on lies.
Dru: Honey, the time.
Neil: Built on lies and untruths.
Dru: Baby, I just wanna know the time.
Neil: Time is a construct. Time is like our marriage, a construct made up of deceit and trickery. Deceit and trickery and deception and falseness...sities!
Dru: Dammit, I just want the motherfuckin' time.
Neil: Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Okay, okay, fiiiine, Dru lied about the paternity of your child for 18 years, she slept with your brother (raped by your brother unwittingly, let's not even go there) but Dru is SO right about you, you self-righteous prick. You may realize that you've made mistakes but do you acknowledge them? Hardly.

If you're gonna be mad, be mad, man up! That's right, yell! Now check your pants, I think one of your balls may have finally dropped.

High five? High five! No? Too soon? Too soon. Alright.

Y&R - Thursday - Arts & Crafts

Oh, hi!

Sorry, I'm kinda busy.

Just doing a little art project, I'll be with you in a sec, okay?

[tinka, wrrrr, tinka, tinka, grind, mesh, shimmer, tinka]

Done! You like? God, it took me forever. Like 30 minutes forever. I am exhausted.

Sure, Victoria, go to Pearl Art Supply and buy the materials necessary to replicate a centuries old re-li-qua-ry. SURE, WHY NOT? OKAY! MAKES SENSE! EXCUSE ME WHILE I DIE SLOWLY!

A few questions (questions because today was exceedingly tedious and anvil-heavy):

Why do Jill and Katherine like Gloria? It doesn't compute. She is a classless, loud-mouthed nutjob who conned John for months, they have absolutely no reason to like this woman much less respect her ideas. Makes no sense and I don't like it.

John's getting out of prison, he's getting his job back, my gosh, what could possibly go wrong? Gloria's happy, Jack's happy, Ashley happy, everyone is HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! I think Jesus just pooped some puppies and rainbows. What could possibly, possibly go wrong now?

Why do Nick and Brad look perfectly well kept yet Victoria looks like she hasn't bathed in a week? Sharon looks more put together.

Wouldn't it be cool if it turns out Michael is part black? Cause you know it's kinda funny that they're doing a story centered around an event (Hurricane Katrina, and don't let me start on that before I get all mad and political, grrrr) that mostly effected black people centerd around a white guy.

What exactly are Paul and JT doing? Don't answer that. Me don't care.

Y&R - Wednesday - If Only We Were So Lucky

"Nothing would warm the cockles of my heart more than to see your butt behind bars, believe that! >snick!<"

Boy does Dru looks nuts sometimes. Looking like Beloved and twirling her hair like a loon. I love you, girl, you know that, but rein it in (though good job putting your castrated significant other on notice).

Thandie Newton wants her role back.

Not to say I don't love Neil and Dru hating on Daniel. He deserves it. Even if you take away the fact that it was Lily; he still set it up to have a girl attacked. That's horrible and frankly, they should never forgive him.

But Lily should.

Why?

Why ask why?

Seriously stop asking why.

I said "stop", goddammit.

I like art. I'm an artist. I took art history. Art history interests me greatly. Leonardo was a genius, Rembrandt's command of light and dark is astounding, Warhol was mad crazy and brilliant. That said the only way this story could possibly, conceivably interest me in the least is this:

Or this:

Or this:

If you're not any of these things, then Shaddup.

Oh, Sharon got shot in the head?

That'll leave a stain. A little club soda will do the trick for that sharp looking suit you're wearing, Mr. Nazi. Thank you, Heloise.