ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke

Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.

Live Earth, or "If I Ran The Soaps..."

...So I'm not doing my final Y&R and GL posts like I should be right now, because I'm watching Live Earth all day. Just like with Live 8, I love to watch the more obscure foreign concerts in Tokyo, Brazil, Shanghai, Hamburg, etc. with acts I've never heard of that are so exotic and interesting. Toni Collette and her band were amazing in Sydney. And frankly, it beats Madonna embarrassing herself and the entire venture with her gypsy act at Wembley. Oh my God. Did you see that? It was like Inland Empire.

But the reason I bring this up here is because I needed to rehash my tired old rant that anyone who knows me knows by heart: If I ran a soap, you wouldn't need a lame prefab teen scene story this summer. Why? Because I'd just take it to Live Earth. In the story, have the kids go to Live Earth. Didn't DOOL do this in a retarded way with the Stones a couple years ago? Well, nevermind. I'm just saying. Don't spend all that fucking money on musical numbers and guest acts and choreography and songwriters. Just take a few light and easy to move with cameras to several different venues, take the young actors necessary, split the kids up at different venues, including the more obscure ones, say, one at Hamburg and Tokyo or Brazil along with two at New York and London, structure a very loose series of plot beats around the concerts, and have them communicate by their phones, showing each other - and through them, the audience - what is going on around the world at these different concerts. Run a promotional tie-in on the network website with Live Earth and a phone provider; "follow Starr and Matthew (or whoever) and the gang on their phones as they travel the globe with Live Earth." And then, in the local area, so as not to disrupt the concert, pretape most of the story material with the kids in a block, like they did with the Hawaii remote on OLTL a few years ago. Break the scenes up and string it out throughout the concert footage.

Yeah, Live Earth or any other similar global concert would probably never allow it, and they'd probably be right not to. But honestly I think it would work and be - relatively, of course I probably have no idea what I'm talking about - cheap. A few cameras, a few kids, mostly pretaped footage, and just let the concerts guide it. So you get a fun teen story, but more importantly, you can teach The Kids At Home something by watching this stuff, as well as exposing them to all sorts of music around the world they've never heard. I don't understand why TPTB spend such stuff trying to "stay on the pulse of youth" and don't think of something so simple.

...So anyway, I have been gone. Long week. I am making up for it with an extra-big Y&R post that covers most of this week, as well as an extended GL one. l8rs. Phil Collins is trying to be hardcore in London, I gotta watch that.

DOOL Weekly Recap - Let Our Plane Have Sex With You

"Look, Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone."
"Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion."

Ohhhh good times. I have been preoccupied all week long with job-hunting and doing a special week of GL and Y&R recaps - and Darn was going to be my counterpart by doing the same for OLTL and AMC, but you know, he failed - and so the sole DOOL entry this week is a weekly wrap-up! And what a week it was! It was actually a lot of fun. Anna DiMera (a.k.a. A Pimp Named Hunley) played Mata Hari to the DiMeras and quarreled with Fauxman, Kristian Alfonso displayed more life and vigor than she has in years, Steve got mad crazy on the dance floor, Nick and Chelsea had bad sex and Chelsea responded by treating him like an ancient relative with an incontinence problem, and those crazy kids on Touch The Sky Airlines continued to fuck around and make complete fools of themselves while dragging The Chels down with them. The airline shenanigans were so cheesy and ridiculous that they have become the focus of the entry, a focus I will begin to run completely into the ground starting now, with the first of several classic clips from Airplane!


"Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?"
"No."


I don't even know where to start with these kids, really. Seriously. Chelsea and Nick went upstairs to do it to it last week and this week, Chelsea looks at him like she saw him jerking off to beastiality porn. Chelsea: It's not even that serious. Now mind you, Nick is just a tad intense about it. And apparently deaf, dumb and blind regarding her body language. "Joo wuff me, Chelsee? Ah wuff yuuu. We gon build a castle inna sky madea wainbows wheh we get mawwied and have six keedz wight awaaaayyy!" Cool it, Nick. I love you, I love your personality, I love your (or rather Blake Berris') propensity to wander around in the Los Angeles sunlight with Julia Stiles with your shirt off and your board shorts hanging perilously, perilously low (big shoutout to Dreamcaps) , but after that scene Nick could make anybody a commitmentphobe. Commitment-o-phobe? Which? I don't know. But he could, is what I'm saying. It certainly doesn't help that this "NuStephanie" a.k.a. "another lame excuse for Ken Corday to cast non-actor celebrities in lame, pathetic attempts to court media attention or the fickle gaze of preteen viewers," is a complete fucking idiot. Do you remember Shayna Rose being cruel or bitchy to or about the Fallonator? I sure as shit don't! Now Stephanie can't stop riding Nick! Big-ass bouffant hairdo like a John Waters movie, fake-ass tan, and all she does is ride Chelsea's ass about becoming a brainless whore like her so Chelsea too can know the bliss of getting the brains bronco-dicked out of you by a lantern-jawed Nazi superman who is, like, part of the Russian mob garment trade. I know that's what I aspire to every summer! I would give up plasma to have Shayna Rose back. I know a lot of people didn't like her but I thought she had a unique look and style, and was a damn sight more Steve and Kayla's baby girl than this hollowed-out bitch whose sole focus in life is making Chelsea trade down for a Ken doll. I can't wait for Captain Nazi there to get her in some life-threatening situation with the DiMeras.

I won't even talk about the scenes onboard the Fuck The Sky With Our Huge Throbbing Plane jet, with randy passenger after randy passenger trying to get freaky with the girls, and of course, Stephanie starts fucking her way down the aisle. Did they have to give them those turquoise outfits straight out of the old Britney Spears Toxic video? And sorry, Jett looks like he is playing big-boy dress-up in his co-pilot uniform. I have to say, though, this whole idiotic summer story is growing on me, and why? Because while Nick is indeed getting fucked, it at least is giving him, Chelsea, and Max beaucoup screen time, and Marcus Patrick, well, while Jett is no brain trust, he at least seems to have some core of decency unlike his Aryan partner or Stephanie, and it doesn't hurt that he is also blazing hot. Plus, how can you totally hate a story where they go to so much trouble to make a cheesy fake plastic and cardboard Las Vegas skyline? The idea of a cheesy summer story - I mean, listen, there have been so many cheesy summer stories on daytime. In concept this is far from the most offensive, the whole luxury plane thing in Vegas with criminal contraband thing is so goofy it becomes enjoyable. In acting and focus, it's a mess. You've got good actors and characters like the aforementioned, who really help you enjoy the goofy story in some respects because they're there, but you've also got bad acting and bad characterization in two characters we should care about - Jeremy and Stephanie - who are just loathsome now. Plus, we're asked to care about Jett, which is one thing and entirely possible, but we're also asked to be titillated by the possibility of him and Chelsea while the very popular Nick wanes on the sidelines getting insulted, abandoned and fucked with by Kate. But don't worry about Nick, audience! Have fun with Jett and Chelsea right now! Sorry, ain't having it.


"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

Meanwhile...

The Vengabus is coming! Dah dah dah dah dah daaahhhh dah! We - like - to party! We like to - we like to party!

Ohhh SNAP! It's the highlight of the week! It's crazy dancing Steve! Crazy aging Splash clubkid Steve! Stephen Nichols, I love you. Is there nothing you can't do? Forget for a moment that I've taken issue with what I feel is the slapdash, OTT feel of this whole latest DiMera/Brady reunion tour. Steve as the double-triple-whatever agent freaking out the DiMeras and infiltrating their inner sanctum while Team Brady carries out their plan was some priceless shit. His John Travolta/Dave Chappelle fingers-to-face moves were what did it for me. "It's too real for you, Bart, ya cain't take it! Ya cain't take it, it's too real!" I'm happy to see SN happy, and frankly, high-minded concerns of strong storyline aside, this shit is just hilarious without being juvenile, as Reilly humor was.

Tony preps the reach-around.

So Steve drugs the DiMera date night, and Tony and Anna all get it. More hilarity. Thaao Penghlis (Your Ongoing Sexual Problem) is obviously so happy to be getting meaty material that does not involve him conspiring with Al Qaeda, getting attacked by a hockey-masked serial killer or dragging the exhumed corpse of his father around and talking to it. He and (A Pimp Named) Leeann Hunley clearly still love each other to bits and they just dazzled in their scenes. When Tony unwisely (as Steve hilariously notes) tells Anna that he wishes he could be the man he used to be, you remember who he used to be before the Reilly era and understand. And Anna is so phony and such a cocktail party schmoozer, and Leeann Hunley gives her just the right amount of artifice and nouveau riche put-on without making it a burlesque the way so many more recent soap gold diggers, like Judith Chapman on Y&R or Judi Evans (as Bonnie) or even, in her own way though I adore her, Ilene Kristen on OLTL, do today. But those are also all fine actresses who probably have the shoddy writing to blame at least partly. Either way, Hunley's Anna just seems to have that air of social climbing falsity effortlessly without having to spell it out in neon; you can see her trying to put off the vibe of the aristocrat around people like the Bradys, people closer to her own roots, and you can see how she become alienated from them and Roman while obviously having come from them. She even has chemistry with Josh Taylor's faux Roman, who clearly is having a good time with her too.



"All right, I'll need three men up at the tower, you, Neubauer! You, Macias!"
"Me, John, big tree!"

It's not just Thaao Penghlis and Leeann Hunley - everybody's having a good time, and that's clear when we reach the subject of Kristian Alfonso and Hope. In the recent past I've given KA a lot of shit. She's emaciated, her voice has dropped like a hundred octaves, her cheekbones could rip Bo's face off, she is humorless and going through the motions, etc etc. Not so long ago, Hope was looking kinda:

Sorry.

...Um, but now, all of a sudden, Hope's not lookin' so scary anymore. She's actually a whole lot of fun. Kristian Alfonso is clearly really, really happy. Know how I know? Cause she's screwing around. She seems physically incapable of not being constantly flirty and cute with Peter Reckell/Bo in all their "serious planning" scenes - she's having a laugh. And because she's having so much fun, you can believe Hope and Bo are still really, truly, deliriously in love again. And all of a sudden I find myself becoming a bit of a Bope fan, because she is having a ball. The earpiece thingy scene? Cute. The bet about Roman and Anna? Cute. She's just great lately and I guess we have to credit Hogan Sheffer. And OMFG is their new baby not the cutest fucking thing? She is one chill baby. Just, thumb in her mouth, don't give a fuck, taking it easy. Anna comes in raising a ruckus? Whatever. Ciara hear you. Ciara don't care. I love her. Love. her.

Ciara considers 1-2-Stepping Anna's ass.

Sooooo thaz it. I ain't going over the little bit of ShellePhelleHelle (are they seriously moving her towards JKJ's Phillip? C'mon, I am not a big Shelle person or anything but this is just arbitrary at this point, they just reunited her and Shawn) or Sami and her twin behbehs just yet, I'm sure there's way more of those stories to come this week. Once I am clear of the last of my Y&R/GL obligations from this past week, I will be taking some time to regroup but will try to do bi-weekly or more entries for DOOL and later, OLTL. Hopefully someone will pick up the slack. I'm also going to do a few more special one-offs like this week of episodes in the future, and will also hopefully be covering a certain two nighttime soaps, one shortlived, one about to begin. More on that when this is all done.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."

DOOL - A Pimp Named Hunley

'A Pimp Named Hunley,' it's a phrase, like 'A Tribe Called Quest, A Man Called Horse!' Say it with me one time!

Yeah, I got them letters. I got 'em right here. Right up in hurr. Oh, you want them? Oh, you want the - you want my letters? You want my letters, Brady? You want 'em, then you know what you - I know you know what you got to do for me, I ain't gonna say it outright, I know you know. You have to show me the money clip, Roman! Pull it out! Pull it out, show and tell! Turn it around, let it glitter in the artificial light! Show me your money clip! And you, make me a mojito! And you - get naked! You too, Will! Oh, no, not you, bad idea. Bad idea.

Oh yes, she's back! She's back and she's better than ever before! And I say that despite the fact that I personally would have no fucking idea, since I ain't never seen Anna DiMera on this show before! Before my time, it was! I was a toddler back then! My bad! But you know, she's here, and the plain, simple and clean fact is that she is ten times hotter than some people and has got about fifty times the personality and spark, even after all these years later. She owned those incredibly awkward, stilted Brady pub scenes that the actors had to do their best with. It was all like, "oh, Anna, interesting, you fucking disappeared completely like twenty years ago, okay, ON WITH YOUR PLOT FUNCTION. PERFORM FUNCTION, ANNA. PERFORM PLOT FUNCTION NOW." But they made the best of it, and Leeann Hunley just took the shit by storm. What was so funny too is that everybody else in those scenes is trying to be mad Days of our Lives serious, all "tell us your dark secrets about the DiMeras, Special Guest Star," and Anna is just busy molesting Fauxman and lifting cash and booze. "I got like six weeks here and then it's back to living off residuals of TBS reruns of Dawson's at 8 AM, I'm taking it all, bitch!" I absolutely loved it and loved her and it was not at all what I was expecting from those goofy-ass scenes with her in the Time Trapper cloak and hood. No mealymouthed, scurred little woman, Anna.

By contrast, where the Brady Pub family sitdown scenes last week were incredibly rushed and ill-fitting to me, the DiMera strategy session was perfect. And this from someone who thinks the DiMeras are mostly played out except for EJ, and despite my still loving Joe Mascolo and Thaao Penghlis. Which brings me to my next point, people, or rather, a side point: THAAO PENGHLIS DON'T GET NO RESPECT. Every time this show fucks some story with these guys up, who do the fans dogpile? Who gets the first flaming bag of dogshit on their virtual doorstep? It's Thaao Penghlis, that's who. All because he plays Tony DiMera who Reilly and co. did fucking anything and everything ludicrous with, and because he dared to be candid and raw and honest and real in the fake-ass soap press about bad stories and bad management in daytime. Well, fuck that, because he's right, and he deserves some props. The Thaao Penghlis I know is that dude with the eyes and the voice who is in every fucking bad TV show or movie you ever saw but can't recognize! He'll do anything, he's everywhere! And he's always a fey badass! Show some respect for Thaao Penghlis, people! I remember him from Altered States, taking William Hurt to go get high with him on the evil Amazon juice that turns William Hurt into some kind of fuckin' man-ape! You remember that? I do! You remember him in that horrible Mission: Impossible revival in the late '80s? No, no one else does, but I do! Thaao Penghlis is a raw motherfucker and he's my raw motherfucker and I love him for just what he is - an overtanned, leather-skinned, gold chain wearing aging omnisexual love god who can take the piss out of anyone anywhere on any over the top serial. Thaao, I believe you could take George Hamilton anyday. I hope you and your hunky "cousins" or "nephews" or whoever all those hot young dudes you run around the world with are have a great fucking time in Greece or Tasmania or Shangri-La or wherever the hell it is you're going next for more thoroughly heterosexual escapades. Go on, Thaao! And keep on keepin' on on the show.

Thaao Penghlis: Your ongoing sexual problem. Where has his finger been? INSIDE YOUR SOUL.


But anyway. Back to the DiMera meeting scenes. They were brilliant, for once, and they were actually worthy of the actors in them, especially My Boy Thaao. For once, finally, this show acknowledged that Tony DiMera was not always the Snidely Whiplash, train-track-maiden-tying bastard we've seen for like fifteen years. Tony was not always that dude working with Al Qaeda or fake serial killing half the town or getting "eaten by a tiger." It wasn't always like that. No, Tony used to be a good guy, a romantic lead, struggling against his past, loved by good (and bad) women. He used to have so much depth and pathos and Reilly and the '90s threw it all away - for what? So to have Hogan Sheffer address this massive change in Tony for once, onscreen, is exhilarating, and judging by his recent comments he's eager to do more with the character. Tony actually questioned what's become of him since then, why he's become his Fawwthaaa's lapdog, why he turned his back on love (like with Anna) , when he became such a maniac. I think he's meant to be a mirror image of what EJ could become if he turns on his, uh, love for Sami, and devotes himself to the family. And I think that's a fascinating dynamic. I also like Stefano being the old man advocating for peace (not that that makes much sense since he sent EJ to Salem himself, had Steve programmed and demanded the stem cells) , while Tony, once the pacifistic DiMera, has gone round the bend, and knows it, but can't help himself. If you ask me, the subtext is that Tony knows what he's doing, his pushing for the continued feud, is wrong, that he's gone wrong, but he's so bitter and angry with Stefano for making him this way that he is going to force Stefano to continue, to finish what he started and what he made of Tony. And that's interesting.

Lexie, OTOH? No point. No point. Nothing going on there. I love Renee Jones and Jim Reynolds but I just don't care about her right now. She's back to fretting about Abe like her Nell phase meant nothing. And where is Benjy? I want Benjy. That dude was hot. The thing is, this BRADY vs. DIMERA XXXVIII "story" is so far mostly just a series of crazy, quasi-Reilly-style events, plot points and action beats, with better writing, like the scenes I just discussed. The problem is, so far, IMHO, the organization, the plotting remains the same - lame stunt after lame stunt. OMG a bomb! ZOMG it's a clock! No, it's Hobo Lexie! I think this whole "story" was invented hastily by committee to up ratings, and while I appreciate seeing all these actors and appreciate that the writing is a lot better, I know Hogan Sheffer can do better. And hopefully, fix EJ a bit more. I don't like no rape, and I don't like no rapist/rape victim pairing, but I love me some EJ and some EJ/Sami. I can't help it. I love Lumi too, don't blame me. Oh, Lucas, you and your cute little chest. C'mere. C'meeerrree. I want to pinch your tiny head [cranium] .

And then there was the teen scene.

Air Statutory Assrape With Use Of Intoxicants: Soon we'll be taking anooother ruuunnnn.


So here's how I know how Jeremy Horton and Jett Carver are just what DOOL has been waiting for and needed all this time. Number one, they have their own photo shoot on NBC.com! Number two, OMG they're so HOOOTTTT. Number three, again, they're hot, so much hotter than puny guys like Nick or Max who have stupid shit like, you know, personalities, depths, unconventional beauty. Number four, they're Hortons! and Carvers! Ain't that all you need? Isn't that what we've all been crying for more of? Well, they're here, so what's to complain about? Of course they're insanely attractive (in a Aryan sort of way) and of course they are a hunky combo pack of duo love which serves as a useful tool for introducing them simultaneously instead of giving them unique personalities, storylines, and a fresh approach! That would get in the way of the OOOH SO SEXY PREFABRICATED NETWORK-SANCTIONED AND APPROVED HOT. And of course, of course, they're just so amazing and new and hot that all the young ladies on the show can't wait to drop it like it's hot for the master race! Chelsea and Nick? Psh! She want it! She know she want it! Fake-ass NuStephanie with the no IQ? She want it bad! And Nick, well, fuck Nick, we'll just piss on him all summer, hell, looking at Nick, he'll probably get it too. Because everybody thinks Jeremy and Jett are mad hot and this Pimp My Plane/Las Vegas storyline with OMG GARMENT CONTRABAND is sure to be a pulse-pounding, cooch-sizzling summer success. I loved when Nazi-ass Jeremy tried to sell Max on their ILLEGAL GARMENT TRADE by explaining "it's not high-grade plutonium or heroin we're talking about here, man!" Oh, but it should be, that would be fucking hilarious. On Passions it would be. And of course Chelsea, so hesitant about Teh Sex with Nick, the man she loves, will give it up in short order for the god made flesh and obvious sexual predator that is Jeremy/Jett, either/or, really, because why not? We know that in the summer, young girls have no integrity! That's the message to send the kids! Marcus Patrick, you are one hot-ass man but I'm afraid I just can't like you at all here. And what a waste of Jeremy Horton, who I personally always thought of as being a Nick type, and not, you know, Das Ubermensch.

Super-Soldier serum? Whut? Red Skull? Nazi clone? Ooh, don't be harshing my mellow, baby girl! Mmm, your skin smells like orange honeysuckle, Playdoh, and Nilla wafers! Oh, wait, that's me. That's my taint. My bad. Mmmm, breathe me in. Mind my headlights, girl, they follow you wherever you look.

So this coming week, I will be covering Y&R and GL, while Darn presumably lives up to his end of the bargain and covers OLTL and AMC, the latter of which is his babeh. Yes, we are switching networks for a week. Will it work? TIME WILL TELL. I will try to do GL daily, and Y&R twice or thrice a week, and I will probably consign DOOL to bi-weekly or weekend blogging, as I did this past week. Hope no one minds. Once again I have shamelessly ganked pictures from the MSN group Days Of Our Lives 2, as well as ThaaoPenghlis.com, sure to sue me. Enjoy your evening, for tomorrow, we look into the, uh, remains of the Light. Where Josh Lewis became a priest. A priest. Seriously, WTF. I don't know either.

Hmm, yes, I say, ripping good show, ripping good. Fancy a dash around the green? Go on then old son! Brilliant! A little fiddling about, play find the putting hole, a little jump the hurdle? Giving you what for, hmm? Swift rodgering? Yes? Brilliant!

AN OPEN LETTER TO CAROLYN HINSEY & DAYTIME TELEVISION

Recently, Phil Carey (Asa Buchanan on OLTL) was let go. OLTL revealed that his exit was due to his refusing to go off-contract and recurring, which Phil has always swore never to do. Also, Erika Slezak (Viki) spoke out publicly in her fan newsletter about the sad state of the show.

In the most recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, "It's Only My Opinion" columnist Carolyn Hinsey wrote thus:

It’s Only My Opinion By Carolyn Hinsey

Okay, kids, it’s time for you all to pull your chairs really close to this page so we can have a come to Jesus meeting about soap stars and their contracts.

Soaps are a business. They make their money on advertising, and advertisers only value viewers aged 18-49. It’s stupid and it’s not fair, but it’s a FACT. So, the networks do focus groups made up of fans like you and me, and those fans answer questions about who and what they like and don’t like on their shows. The shows then take some of that information--faulty though it may be---and use it to decide what to pay their people. That’s how business works. The most valuable people make the most money.

As we get older, our faves are all getting older, too. A few have trouble remembering their lines. Some have health problems, ego problems, even the occasional drinking problem. We, the journalists who cover daytime, don’t report even one-tenth of what we know a.)most fans don’t want to read about it and b.) it crosses a line into tabloid journalism that is not our territory. Do you really want to read about the actor who beat up his wife and was served a restraining order on the set in front of all his co-workers? Or would you rather keep liking his character while the show quietly phased him out and then recast the role(which they did)? I thought so.

Remember when Anna Lee (ex-Lila, GH) was dropped to recurring at 91 and there was this huge hue and cry about unfair it was? She was a lovely talented woman, but she was obviously frail. GH was willing to keep her onscreen as her health permitted on a recurring basis. How many people do you know who still have their jobs at 91? I know someone who had to retire at 55 because his company has a mandatory retirement age!

Sometimes when a beloved vet is let go or dropped to recurring its because they have a problem you don’t know about. Or they demanded to keep their 1980s salary, which went the way of rabbitt ears on the TV. Or maybe they simply aren’t up to the job anymore and the show is being kind by dropping their workload to allow them to exit gracefully.

Whatever it is, trust me. If an older actor is pulling their acting weight, scoring high with the focus groups, and not making unreasonable demands, they are going to stick around. But if they are a giant pain making crazy demand and annoying their co-workers and/or directors, they’re gone. That’s why they call it show business.

So, keep watching and loving your faves, and don’t tune out because one or two actors aren’t on as much as you’d like. If you want to change things…try to get in a network focus group!

What follows is my response. Warning: It is fucking long, son.


Dear Ms. Hinsey,


Hello. I'm Jase, and I blog with my writing partner "Darn" at a silly soap blog we call "The Wreck Center." You do not know me, but I feel like I already know far too much about you. You see, I've been reading your "It's Only My Opinion" column in Soap Opera Digest ever since I first started surreptitiously, shamefully sneaking issues of it off the shelf at the supermarket as a junior high schooler to buy and take home with me. That was about ten years ago. Actually, I really don't know if you were in it all the way back then, I can't recall, but I imagine so. You're something of an institution in the magazine, after all. And that's all well and good. Institutions deserve a degree of respect and attention, even if they're as consistently wrong as I usually find you to be. But even though I regularly, joyfully disagree with you, I have never felt compelled to write to you until now. You wrote recently about having a "Come To Jesus" meeting with your readers and through them, the contemporary daytime audience. You explained to us poor, starry-eyed soap fans in very sweet language about how "soaps are a business," and how sometimes, the beloved or elderly veterans, or both, have to go in the name of commerce, budgetary concerns, and the youth demographic, and that if they do go, it's usually because they're not "pulling their weight" (like, say, Anna Lee, who you cited in your article, who was fired at 91 and dead shortly thereafter after the new executive producer broke "General Hospital"'s longstanding promise to her and her family) or are making "unreasonable demands" and are thus no longer of use, but that we should "keep watching and loving [our] faves." I'm sure your unspoken addition to that sentence was "....while you can," but I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt, okay? Okay.

Now, I want you to know first thing: I understand everything you said. I even agree with some of it. Soaps are a business. People do have to go. There is a youth demographic which is, understandably, the primary target of daytime television executives. And what you wrote is, after all, "only [your] opinion." Supposedly, but I have my doubts. But here's the thing, Ms. Hinsey, see, something just hit me like a ton of bricks: For all your long history in the world of daytime media, it turns out that I am a daytime institution too. I know, crazy, right? Not only that, but it turns out that - wait for it - I'm actually a lot more important than you and your opinion. And I'm more important than any of the executives or creative staff at ABC Daytime, be it Brian Frons, or Bob Guza, Jr., or Frank Valentini or Dena Higley. I'm even more important than some of the veteran soap stars who you just might have been obliquely referring to as "unreasonable" or "not pulling their weight," such as Phil Carey or Erika Slezak (Mr. Carey, a recent cancer survivor, was just let go from "One Life to Live" after decades of service for insisting upon his contractual renewal in lieu of "recurring," and Mrs. Slezak just spoke out vociferously on the show's quality, or rather lack thereof, in her fan newsletter) . I'm just plain more important than you and all of them. But it's not just me, right, because so is my blogging partner Darn, and so are most of those obnoxious online posters at Soap Opera Network, and so are most of those shrieking young women in the audience on SoapNet who scream for "old" folks like Hillary B. Smith or line up for Erika Slezak at Super Soap Weekend. Here's why, see: I'm not just the audience. We already know the audience ceases to matter to daytime after they hit 50, or 40 or 35 if we're being honest. No, see, I, and Darn, and all of those others, are all in the 18-49 demographic. Not only that, but Darn and I are both at the very low end of 18-49, namely under 30. Cast your mind back to those halcyon years, Ms. Hinsey, I'm sure you can remember. Which means, as you know, we are gold. We are made of frickin' bling. We live on iPods and cellphones and YouTube and MTV and instant gratification. We're gold to daytime advertisers, we're gold to daytime producers, to daytime executives, to daytime programming heads. If we tuned out or tuned in in a certain way starting next week in record numbers for a long enough time, we could have Steve Burton out on the street doing "Death Of A Salesman" in a Florida dinner theater, like Kevin Kline's character in "Soapdish." In that strictly vicious, corporate sense, we are, then, the only voice or opinion that really matters. Not yours, and not even the voices or opinions of the people behind the scenes at ABC Daytime. Ours. Which brings me to my complaint.

I have been a regular viewer of ABC Daytime since around 1993, hiding it from my friends, clumsily taping it or just staying home sick for unhealthy periods of time. I came into it full-time to watch "All My Children" and Kendall Hart, but at the time the show didn't do it for me so much (it did later) . I stayed, however, for "One Life to Live" and "General Hospital." I was fascinated by characters like Viki, Dorian, Nora, Max, Luna, Todd, Marty, Rebecca; families like the Spencers and the Scorpios, stories like those of Luke and Laura, Bobbie and Tony, Robin and Stone. Later on, I became addicted to the endless foibles of Erica Kane and Tad Martin and Liza Colby, and Dixie and her horrible, horrible hair. God, what bad hair. Now, the fly-by-nighter teens like, say, Bobby and Anita or Joey and Kelly didn't really do it for me; I might've liked them, but except for the rare stars like Susan Haskell, Roger Howarth, or Kim McCullough, my attention was almost always fixed elsewhere, on brilliant older actors and actresses like Tony Geary, Genie Francis, Erika Slezak, Robin Strasser, and Hillary B. Smith. I worship the ground Robin Strasser and Hillary B. Smith walk on, you don't even know. I did even then, and I was only in junior high at the time. Here was Nora, a fortysomething woman with grown children, or a villainous middle-aged dowager like Dorian, and yet they were my single favorite characters on "One Life to Live," which had become my show. Now, what do I have in common with Nora and Dorian? Except Nora's faith, absolutely nothing, including gender (Yes, I am that rare breed soap press and soap executives don't like to talk about: The male fan) . Yet I was entranced by their grit and spirit and forcefulness, or Viki's seemingly effortless grace of character, or Clint and Bo Buchanan's soulful resolve, or Asa Buchanan's steely curmudgeonness.

But more than just these great characters played by great actors, I was entranced by the shows themselves. I don't mean just the concepts or the production values or music or surface things like that, I mean the density of it, the scope, the length, the sheer weight and time spent - the history. I knew going in that soap operas had been on for a long time, and that these shows dated back at least twenty years or more at that time. I knew these characters and these families, the Lords, the Buchanans, the Spencers, the Scorpios, the Quartermaines, had been around for years and years, had gone through so much, had been everywhere and done everything, and that I was just the latest to come into their space and be with them. It was like a whole other universe, cozy and real and warm and full of life, not only when I was there watching but also when I hadn't been, before me. For a child watching, this fictional world was theirs, not just mine at my beck and call, and these people and these families and these towns went on and on. If you were ever that child in the audience, then I bet you know what kind of a comfort the continuing story of a daytime serial can be sometimes. A sense of history is what I kept watching soap operas for, a sense of a rich, long tapestry, something that spooled out beyond my memory and further than my eye could glean, a sense of history and a sense of family. It was because these characters remembered it all and loved each other that I remembered and loved them, too. And I was not the only one.

Here is something that I think you and those in the business of making daytime television already know but often don't acknowledge: Kids do not watch soaps for other kids. Okay? They just don't. They see enough of that around them in everyday life. They deal with it everyday at school. They watch for adults. They watch to see older people doing adult things that are so much adult and serious than kids think they could ever possibly be. I watched for Nora, Dorian, Viki, Luke, Laura, Bobbie, and all the rest. My friend Darn here at The Wreck Center watched Y&R for Jill and Katherine. I watched Nora fight to be with Bo, I watched Viki struggle with Sloan and Clint and her past with Dorian and her father, I watched Dorian defiant on Death Row. We watched for the older people, doing things older people do, and we watched for the families, and we watched for the memories and the history, like the Victor Lord story, that wrapped us in it without asking, sucking us in, making us part of the tapestry, and we didn't complain - we loved it. We still do. We watched for these characters and these things, we stayed for them, and yet here, today, in 2007, we are essentially being told, in deed if not word by the powers that be in daytime television, that even though we are the key demographic, we don't really want to watch these things, this isn't really what's interesting to us, these people don't really matter to us, and we should keep watching these shows even as they turn inside out into some of the worst, most unrecognizable crap I have ever forced myself to sit through. And now, Ms. Hinsey, in your condoning the recent daytime business practices, you're essentially telling us that too - of course, I'm sure it was "only [your] opinion" and Soap Opera Digest has a totally independent editorial stance, right? Right.

It's hard being a fan of "All My Children," "One Life to Live," or "General Hospital" these days, Ms. Hinsey. The older, veteran characters we love so much seem to keep dropping like flies. Edmund Grey got murdered and his killer is now a romantic lead. Dixie died by poison pancake but apparently, it's okay because, hey, look, we have Babe and Krystal! Nobody's ever sick of them! Asa is hitting the bricks on "One Life to Live," just like Max and Gabrielle did, just like Cassie, just like Nora almost did when she went into a magical contract negotiations coma for what felt like ten years. But it really almost doesn't matter if Nora woke up, because she, like Viki, like R.J., like Bobbie or Mac or Robert or Jack Montgomery, like virtually any and all major veterans on ABC Daytime, have practically no story or airtime, or when they do, it's for the most idiotic, shallowly written stories, such as the horrible, character-defying "triangle" with Clint, Dorian, and David on "One Life," during which time the show brainlessly wrote out male god made flesh Tuc Watkins and, apparently realizing their mistake while unwilling to admit it, have been dragging him back ever since as some sort of ridiculous stop-gap measure. Meanwhile, in the place of these beloved characters, we have to entertain constant, dubious new "prospects" like John McBain or Evangeline or Spencer Truman or Tate on OLTL, or Maxie's various doomed boyfriends on GH, or, worst of all, Zarf or Josh the abortion baby on AMC. But it must be hard for the soap press most of all, because you guys have to spend all your time breathlessly reprocessing these new names and faces and ad copy in the pages of your magazines, pretending like they matter, pretending like any of us give a damn, and frankly, we don't, and frankly, you know we don't, because you, Ms. Hinsey, know the facts just like we all do: This is a con job. It's a meat grinder. The ratings are plummeting under this policy of daytime management and production. Fans of all ages are dropping in droves. They're not being replaced by new young fans. They're not being replaced by more of ME. These same useless latest "next big things," these new prospects are all starting to look the same, and none of them ever measure up to what they've taken the place of, and they're all failing and they're all going to continue to fail.

But it's not just the actors or the characters' faults, not at all. New characters are a fact of life on soaps. Change is a fact. Balance is the key. Actors like Alexa Havins or Jeff Branson or Renee Elise Goldsberry are not all that bad. Except the thing is, it's not just them, it's the productions themselves, who have abandoned all sense of balance in the ensemble or on the story canvas. It's the completely incompetent head writers who fail to give these new characters who might sometimes work any dimension or roots or layering, who throw out history and characterization and don't bother to take the time to write thoughtfully. It's the 'yes men' executive producers who spend all their time telling me why Dixie's death was an "emotional journey" or how Alan Quartermaine's passing is "storyline dictated." Okay, you guys can't pay for Genie Francis but Maurice Benard gets another raise while his latest love interest half his age once again fails. Okay, Emmy nominee Dan Gauthier has to go but ratings-killer Michael Easton is priceless. Sure. Whatever. It's not just the shows, either, Ms. Hinsey, it's you too. Because you folks in the soap magazines report it, but that's all you do: Report, and perhaps briefly editorialize, but ultimately, say nothing of actual journalistic value. Or, in your case, Ms. Hinsey, make an unctuous hypocrite of yourself.

In your recent column, you talk about how "some" older performers are refusing to go recurring when they are no longer seen as much as they used to and seem to be saying, essentially, that we can't fault the networks for removing these veterans when they no longer are "valuable" or "reasonable" in the eyes of the show, not necessarily the fans, and that we shouldn't complain if "one or two actors" aren't seen as much as we like. You invoke the name of Anna Lee from "General Hospital" as your example, whose case I've already addressed; she was 91 years old and "obviously frail," you reason, explaining away GH's conduct. And in the case of Phil Carey at "One Life to Live," he refused to go recurring and is now being written out, reportedly without an exit scene, despite playing the Buchanan family patriarch since the late '70s, and that seems to be okay with you. Likewise, ABC pulled a similar stunt a few years ago when John Ingle, the long-running second Edward Quartermaine at GH, left after being offered recurring and not a contract renewal. Now, surely you remember writing in your August 2004 column about how, and I am quoting verbatim from your text, "...I'm sure the GH brass knows full well by now what a colossal mistake it was to drop John Ingle (ex-Edward) to recurring in the arrogant belief that he had nowhere to go." And I sure don't remember you being happy about how GH treated Anna Lee at the time she was let go either, but now you seem to totally understand it! So now, I gotta ask you: Et tu, Carolyn? How was Mr. Ingle's refusal to take recurring so different from Mr. Carey's that you yourself might applaud one veteran's choice and - possibly, remember, we're not naming any names - dismiss another's? What's the difference? Did John Ingle just have the good business sense not to develop life-threatening cancer like Mr. Carey, or lose the use of his legs like his former leading lady? And how did ABC change your mind about what was done to Anna Lee? I'm sure we'd all love to hear this one.

Understand: Your opinion, and it is only yours and the network's, does not matter to me. Not only does it not matter to me, it is also increasingly clear that this perspective and this point of view is inherently flawed as a business model for ABC Daytime and all other daytime programming departments. The ratings bear that out. Audience feedback and turnout bear that out. Don't blame the O.J. trial, because I watched through O.J. Don't blame cable TV, it's been here a while. It's the shows, Ms. Hinsey. It's what's being done to the shows and the people on them, like Phil Carey, like Cady McClain, like Anna Lee, like Stuart Damon, like all the veterans still hanging on who are still being starved out, or as you say, "not being seen as much as you like." It's the shows. My inability to continue watching "All My Children," "General Hospital," and "One Life to Live" after over ten years, after growing up watching these worlds, these families, after immersing myself in these tapestries, bears that out. I can't do it anymore, Ms. Hinsey, because maybe you have the heart for it, but I don't. I can't watch them being hollowed out any longer, every last character, every last bit of heart and soul and memory being slowly scooped out and replaced with more new plastic, two dimensional replacements. I can't even laugh at it that much anymore, and that used to be my business here at "The Wreck Center." This practice is not good business, and furthermore, as a member of the prime 18-49 youth demographic, their struggle to find a reasonable, even-handed business model for their daytime programming is not my problem. But it is ABC Daytime's. Because I am the desired consumer, and so, when I am not happy, somebody pays: Them.

I am the youth demographic and I am not happy. I am the youth demographic and I can't watch anymore, because I hate it, and it's horribly written, and there's no balance in old and new, and I miss the veterans who are apparently too old for me to care about and the better stories which I supposedly shouldn't notice are gone. Now, if I was 40 or 50, if I was some poor woman whose opinion who is just as valid and golden as mine but who had the genetic misfortune of having been watching 1970 or 1965, you and Brian Frons might be telling right now, 'too bad, tough luck, time marches on, get over it, not our problem.' But I'm not 40, or 50, I'm not even 30, so it's not my problem. It's theirs. It's daytime's. And there's a lot of us, not just me, or my friend Darn, there's hundreds, there's thousands, and we're all unhappy, and we're all tuning out, more and more every day, every week, every month. We are unhappy because current daytime management now presumes to know us better than we know ourselves, they presume to know what we really want, that we can be, as Mr. Frons says, "trained" as an audience; they presume to know that these shows can last without their families, their histories, their roots, their tapestries. They're wrong. They don't know. We are the youth demographic, and we have had enough. No more breathless press releases. No more sweet little excuses like "storyline dictated" or "soaps are a business." We're the youth demographic, Ms. Hinsey, so we're more important than you, or Mr. Frons. You work for us, and that includes the soap press. We say what and who we want to watch. We've been saying it for several years now, except you folks seem to be deaf. You produce what we tell you. We'll let you know when we're ready for you to stop. Try starting now, instead of ever writing another cute little piece about how sometimes people we love have to be fired to pay for Miles the dog-faced boy on OLTL or another mob boss on GH.

This sad state of affairs appears to have become some sort of ridiculous power struggle between the existing unhappy daytime viewership and the management, which stubbornly refuses to admit its major mistakes and overall errors in judgement, and believes that we will eventually buckle and give way to some magical new youth viewership who will have no memory of the past. You have made it clear whose side of this debate you're on, Ms. Hinsey, and in doing so, I can only conclude that you and your column are disingenuous at best and fraudulent at worst. You are no longer the voice of the "average fan," speaking with candor and honesty on behalf of a silent majority out there watching from home. You don't speak for me, or the thousands of unhappy people of all ages, colors, and creeds tuning out. You no longer have any right to your column, your position, your status or your byline.

So, in conclusion, lady, it's like this: I'm younger and stronger than you. I appeal more to people ages 18-49. I want your job. Clean out your desk. Your departure is storyline dictated. This is a business.

...But then, It's Only My Opinion.


Sincerely,

Jase of The Wreck Center

Jarn: Together Again For The Third Time

*This is pretty lengthy, read at your own risk*

SO...it's been a pretty big soap week. With the cancellation of Passions (yay!boo!), the firing of Cady McClain (BOO!) and more pathetic ratings and horrible writing (same old, same old) Jase and I got into a pretty lengthy discussion (rant, vent, bitchfest) about the state of soap operas. It's at times rambling and uh, off-topic but gets pretty intense towards the end (Jase is a great writer):

Jase: OH WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm sorry, I had to come back. DIXIE?

Darn: What?

Jase: Apparently SOD has scooped that the Satin Killer kills Dixie.

Darn: NO!

WHAT WHY?

Jase: It's not confirmed, but is making the rounds.

Insane.

Darn: WTF?

Cady did just take down her ABC blog.

Jase: I suppose it could be part of someone's wind up to try and convince people of this ludicrous rumor that AMC is going exclusively to SN and cutting most of its vets, but.

Darn: Oh geez.

Then there is no point to AMC, why even continue?

Lord. I don't even know anymore.

Jase: I personally do not believe that AMC will go to SoapNet and cut all its vets to do it. I don't buy that.

Nor am I sure this Dixie thing is true.

SOD news generally comes out on THURSDAYS.

Maybe P&G lured Cady back, this is just stupid.

Darn: Well, that was pointless.

I don't think Cady would go back to ATWT where they've recast Hunt's part.

Jase: Well, who knows.

But Jesus how stupid if it's true.

They spent all this time on it and cast two little girls and for what?

Darn: So basically Dixie came back to do nothing and then die for real. What a waste.

Jase: That's just awful. How will they try to explain THIS in the press? "Uh, Dixie's story was...told?"

Darn: McTavish WILL definitely say that.

Jase: After ALL that fanfare. Ridiculous.

"We, uh, brought back Kate twice just so we could kill Dixie off right then. No, really. Seriously."

Darn: Tad and Dixie still have a respectable fanbase and all they've done is fuck with them for a year.

"It was integral to the journey."

Jase: "And by journey, we mean end of the journey."

What will really make me laugh is if they claim it was planned when she came back. HAHAHAHA!

Darn: Please.

Jase: That was my Stewie Griffin laugh.

Well, if it's any consolation this is how I felt when I heard about Gabrielle.

Darn: I mean, they went out and purposely found two little girls that resemble Cady and are adorable and Tad and Dixie could FINALLY be happy and together and they kill her off? WHAT THE FUCK?

Just…dumbness.

Jase: When was the decision made? And it had to be made either by Cady or to cut costs, and recently.

Otherwise, why cast the girls.

"No, no, don't cut Josh or Amanda or Annie, these are characters we NEED, who is left? WHO?"

brb, keep ranting

Darn: "Di and Aiden have BIG THINGS on the horizon! BIG THINGS!"

Jase: Seriously, how is Di not dead?

I thought that bitch would be next.

But no, apparently we need Di and not Dixie.

Darn: Di is so very important to the fabric of the show.

I feel like all soaps are giving an intentional Fuck You to everything we want.

EVERYTHING.

Jase: And you know she will cry about it. "Who would have thought that...the real Dixie would be killed..."

Darn: “Well, time to curl mah hair and sex up Tad, this is so hard for me but Dixie would have wanted it this way.”

Jase: It's confirmed.

Darn: AW HELL!

Jase: As a SON poster notes, it seems she might have given some hints in a recent FYI Q&A thingy for SOD.

"Sound that most annoys you: "You're fired"
What actor would you choose to play you: "I'm available!"
Worst job I ever had: "Hmmm...."
Biggest regret: "I'm working on it""

If they seriously fired her they are beyond brain damaged.

Darn: Woah, poor Cady.

Jase: What would possibly possess them to do this other than vicious budget cuts? Insane.

And even if you cut the budget, you don't kill off fucking Dixie after all this.

Darn: You know McTavish was all "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA YOU GUYS, A BIG HUGE TWIST!"

Exactly, you FIND A FUCKING WAY!

Jase: And that's how she will be quoted. "It's an amazing twist."

But it KILLS EVERY OTHER STORY FOR TAD AND THAT KID.

Darn: And it'll drive viewers off in droves.

Jase: EVERYTHING Tad and that family has done since Dixie died has been placeholding waiting for her ass to come back.

More than one person has it from SOD, it seems.

Without Dixie, they all just go back to placeholding, only now they have the kid, it's just, there was no point to ANYTHING.

Darn: Then she comes back, lurks for a dumbass reason and spends six months flirting with Ian Thornhart.

Jase: Patrick Thornhart.

Darn: He was Ian on PC and that's where I grew to hate him.

Jase: Yes, well, I hated him there too.

Darn: And also Y&R is just another soap now.

Jase: I found out I have an old tape with the last year of PC on it, with Lainey the werewolf, etc.

Michael Easton actually seems awake there. I hated Caleb but he seems like he's acting.

Darn: Pizzaface. OLTL is so bad.

Jase: SO bad.

Darn: When do things with Bo/Nora/Lindsay start rolling?

Jase: I want to take heart in the fact that Hillary has a new big contract and will have story, apparently in March, but.

Darn: Yeah, BUT.

Jase: I also cannot stomach Todd with Evangeline. CANNOT. And TSJ needs to seriously stop fucking around. I have had enough of this shit.

Did you see Evangeline singing on New Year's? OH MY GOD.

Darn: Nice of Lindsay to say that EJ is nothing but a bastardy dipshit in order for Bo to be all "Hmm, you're kinda sexy, eh?". Whatever.

Jase: Yeah, QUICK CHANGE!

Darn: No and no thanks.

RJ, I meant.

And Paige is like that extra foot you don't need.

Jase: She...okay, so Claudia Reston got drunk and could not sing (and then left the show) and so WHO, WHO does Rex call in to sing instead?

Who just happens to be there?

OMG ITS EVANGELINE!!

And then that ho is all bashful and shit and then she starts singing some DISCO SONG. "Boogie-woogie-woogie..." And she does, like disco moves, and the robot, I AM NOT KIDDING, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Meanwhile, EVERYONE is doing the white boy chicken dance to this great performance, REX, ADRIANA, DORIAN, EVERYONE.

This actually happened.

Darn: That girl has a GREAT voice, that Claudia person, I just started listening to some Hairspray and she's awesome. But Claudia had no purpose.

LOL

Jase: I wanted to beat the shit out of her every time she took time out to SING.

Darn: Did the whole cast take time to tell Vangie how wonderful she is?

Jase: Oh, Darnell. Um, this is going to send your blood pressure sky high but this is apparently re: Dixie's exit, unconfirmed quote, but..

""[Tad and Dixie] was our original plan, but then we received our focus group feedback and realized that more fans want to see Babe and Crystal storylines, so we had to let someone go. At this time, it seems most plausable to kill of Dixie and open the door for a Crystal, Tad, Kate, and baby storyline. Fabulous things are on the horizion at AMC. We do wish Cady the best."

Darn: No, I don't believe that. That is entirely too close to what we've written.

Jase: Yeah, well.

Darn: I refuse to believe that.

PEOPLE HATE BABE AND KRYSTAL, THEY HAAAAAATE THEM! THEY HAVE FOR YEARS!

Jase: They would have to be insane to publicize a quote like that.

Darn: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Jase: Especially at this point. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HIRED THESE CONSULTANTS?

Darn: And it spells Krystal's name wrong.

I don't even give a fuck anymore, ya know?

Jase: Insane.

I am really, really sorry.

This is about what it would do to me if they had really killed Nora. Gabrielle is somewhat comparable but slightly less.

Darn: If OLTL does something good with Bo/Nora/Lindsay I'll be even more pissed.

Because I could have had it all. Tad and Dixie and my Bo and Nora.

Jase: That is unbelievable.

That will kill AMC. Maybe that's what they want. This is so insane.

It's just staggering to me that they could be THAT stupid.

Darn: The show isn't worth the effort anymore.

Jase: No, it really isn't.

Darn: They're not, this is purposeful, they want it dead.

And GL is killing Tammy.

Not that it even compares.

Jase: Aren't she and Pelphrey BOTH leaving? Why do that?

Darn: That's what I mean.

They want to drive us off.

Jase: If it is purposeful, then I would say if an ABC soap is to be cancelled it might be AMC after all. Not that I necessarily believe that rumor and I always thought it would be OLTL first.

Jase: Write an angry letter. Just to do it.

Darn: Yeah, that'll help.

Jase: It can help. I know from experience. It blows off some steam.

Darn: I'm not even that mad.

Just confused.

I don't feel like particularly watching or writing about Y&R to be honest.

Jase: It's hard to want to write anything about any of em right now, even DOOL, which is good.

Jeff Zucker says DOOL will probably not continue on NBC past '09. Fuck you too, sir.

Darn: Oh joy.

So it's just Fuck The Soaps Week, isn't it?

Jase: Apparently.

Darn: Bindi Urwin scares me.

Jase: Me too.

Darn: Wow, so he said that, huh?

Jase: Apparently.

Darn: I'm surprised.

Jase: Me too. It's just tacky. I could use some less fuck me news about the soaps.

Darn: Why not just cancel them both? I mean, really.

Jase: No. DOOL is doing well, that wouldn't be right.

Darn: I mean, it's gonna be gone in 2 years, he's said as much, why even pretend that they care?

Jase: Because it has a chance.

Either at NBC or on ABC, Frons has always wanted it, but I would not be willing to lose a soap to take it.

Darn: They fired Cady. FIRED HER. Yet we still have Di, Del, Aiden, Amanda, Annie, Josh, Babe and Krystal.

After Julia Barr I should not be surprised.

Jase: It is amazing, I am.

I was numb to GH killing Alan because they've killed a number of people the last few years they shouldn't have, and will probably also kill Scott. By AMC and Dixie threw me.

Darn: Because she was actually onscreen and frontburner.

I'm surprised GH has kept him and Leslie Charleston as long as they have.

Jase: I'm sure she's next. It took Frons a while but he eventually got to throw out everyone he wanted to.

He wanted Adam, Alan, Monica, etc out years ago. I am sure Adam and Palmer are next since Frons was gunning for David Canary right when he got to ABCD.

Darn: I think he was brought on to slowly destroy the soaps, to make then so unrecognizable that the few fans left wouldn't care when they're cancelled.

When Adam leaves AMC falls apart.

Jase: That's what people thought in the first place but I thought it was too crazy, that's not good business. I still have a hard time believing that. But this latest shit...

Darn: Yeah, and it's kinda working on me. I literally can't watch AMC for more than 20 seconds. It's just so full of agendas.

Who supports the transgendered shim accused of murder before anyone else? Babe. Because Babe is love and this backwards hick understands that Zarf is a "she" and should be respected as such. No one else "gets it".

Jase: Shim Sham.

I could really use some good news. I can't talk any more of the happy talk bullshit these stupid, stupid executives spit out in the press.

"Yes, we killed Dixie, but these characters are going on a journey." After so many years and such a long death spiral it ALL sounds the same.

Darn: I swear the heads of all the networks got together and decided they would destroy their own shows. Look at Y&R; I've never seen the viewers so divided.

Jase: Why don't they just admit it? We hate it, they know we hate it, they know the shows suck, they know why the shows suck, they just refuse to acknowledge it.

Darn: They FIRED people who had worked on the show for over 20 years and brought on ALL NEW PEOPLE.

They MUST know they suck, they can't possibly look at their product and think "This is good.".

Jase: It's like to do that would be unprofessional. No, unprofessional would be continuing this.

But they refuse to acknowledge the viewership. They can't honestly still believe there is some new, young tween viewership out there for them to snag. That dream has to be gone. So they think all they left is middle aged housewives sitting on recliners and that they have no brains and will watch anything. They KNOW it's bad and they know everyone can see through the obvious agendas, they get the mail, but somehow it would be "unprofessional" to acknowledge the blaringly obvious.

Jase: I don't even know what to say. I'm just tired. Unless I could bring it to the public and put it in someone at the network's face I just can't.

And I've written all the fucking letters before, over and over.

It's like, either fix them, or cancel them tomorrow and stop WASTING ALL OF OUR FUCKING TIME pretending any of you give a shit.

Julie Carruthers, Turner's favorite fucking executive producer in the world because she did Port Charles, presided over this. She has some brains. Why does she allow it?

Why do they bother giving out these breathless, effusive quotes month after month, week after week in that sham soap press? Don't waste my time.

Darn: I just feel so useless, a genre we love is dying this horrible death. I'd be much happier seeing all the soaps cancelled tomorrow. I mean, last episode tomorrow. Just cut them off.

They're all bleeding to fucking death.

Jase: That's what I'm saying. DON'T WASTE MY TIME.

Stop with the enthusiastic bullshit quotes in the magazines about your latest horseshit story or the latest shitty young actor you managed to give one of those worthless Emmys to or the latest Broadway hire who cannot act and sings too much and don't tell me more about what John McBain will be doing in the summer and just STOP. You know it sucks, you clearly don't care about it or about what people want, so make yourselves happy. STOP and CANCEL IT.

EDIT: I foolishly forgot to mention the passing of Darlene Conley, Sally Spectra was a force of nature and that was all thanks to Darlene Conley's portrayal.