GH: Night Shift - 1x06x07 - Kill The Pregnant Lady

Voice of God, pal! Do what I say, boomer. Mmm, I need fiber. And virgin blood.

...Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that when Kale Browne (a.k.a. Jill Farren Phelps' former mantoy a.k.a. the insufferable Sam Rappaport on OLTL) does his usual Hospital Voice Of God schtick on GH and Night Shift so he can pay the rent each month, he is constantly calling out for different female doctors, many of whom are named "Grosbard?" In the last episode I heard him call for both "Dr. Megan Grosbard" and "Dr. Katie Grosbard," no lie. Personally? I think he's just lonely.

ALL UP IN UR SHOWZ W/O DISERNIBL PORPOISE
WASTIN UR TIMEZZ

So what did we learn from Night Shift's big two-part epic event? Well, I know what I learned: Not a goddamn fucking thing that I didn't know over ten years ago when they had that Quentin Tarantino episode of ER with the dead pregnant lady that Night Shift just totally ripped off. What the fuck was the point of this? We all know Robin and Patrick are not going to have a baby much less decide to have a baby on the SoapNet spinoff show - if that happens, it will come on the mothership. And we have seen "pregnant woman in confined space with hapless civillian" eight thousand times. I even saw it on Saved by the Bell with Zach and Mr. Belding's wife. And Tori. Remember Tori, the biker replacement for Kelly and Jesse because Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkeley were holding out for more money? Remember - well, nevermind.


If there is anything that could make Night Shift even more of a weekly will-sapping drudgery than it already is at this point, it is the resurgence of the constant Bob Guza theme: Crazy Emotional Women Who Don't Know Better. The latest up to bat is of course Robin, who will apparently henceforth be known as Dr. HIV McBabyEater judging by the writing. Robin sobs! Robin beats her breast! Robin blames everyone for "Staaaceeeeyyyy's" death! Clinical, professional, "best of the best" Patrick grabs her, shakes her, holds her tightly, makes her see! Even cold, suspected murderess Leyla has it more together than baby-mad Robin! Enough. The sad thing is I keep hearing Guza worships Kimberly McCullough, so I'm sure he and his writers think material like this for Robin, or other women on GH, is just honoring her ability and giving her more material for great drama. Unfortunately, when he tells the same types of stories with the same "crazy wimmins" themes over and over again, it gets fucking old and tiresome and - shock! - misogynistic.

Steve vs. Vagina: ETERNAL STRUGGLE

It wouldn't be GH without Jason able to do anygoddamnthing with surgical precision. "The C-section was perfect, nearly textbook," Dr. Kelly tells Robin. Well of course it fucking was. What a surprise. I personally didn't need to hear Jason talking about shoving the towel up Stacey's crimson lagoon, but you know what, whatever. Fine, Jason can do anything. Whatevs.

There really isn't much more to say, honestly. I feel bad because we keep bumping the OLTL entry and otherwise I have been incredibly busy with work and family stuff, but really these past two NS episodes have been like the visual and aural equivalent of a bland, annoying drone in front of my face. I think anyone else who watched will agree. Like I said up top, we've all been here before - labor in confined space with helpless bystanders, tragic mother passes on, etc etc. And of course, the old stand-by in desperate subpar medical dramas that need to try to sell the audience on their show being serious-minded television: Kill The Pregnant Lady. When in doubt, ice her, guys. It "works" every time. And by "works" I mean, bores us to death. At least, I was. Bored. To death. And I expect to be again tomorrow with the return of Lainey, her demented father, and Corporal Knifelove. The problem for them is, by tomorrow they'll be out of Dead Pregnant Ladies.

Fuck it, srsly. Ho to the hum.

HOT SEXY UPDATE MMM

Hooray for boredom and serendipity! Last week's Night Shift was almost totally unmentionable and unremarkable - fortunately, it is part of a doubly unremarkable two-parter! Therefore, I shall cover both as one yet again in the next several days! Also coming soon: An OLTL post. We swear! Good night.

GH: Night Shift - 1x04x05 - The Mime Who Raped Kelly

jase: I must not title my Night Shift entry "Flower Drum Vagina."
Darn: It's better than "Sucky Sucky Five Doctor"
jase: OH THAT'S GOOD.

It's The Mime Who Raped Sylvia on Little House on the Prairie! He's back for seconds and he wants Kelly! No, it's the Carver! The Showtime After Dark rape mime is clearly the cause of Kelly's rampant sex madness! Next I want someone to try to escape a hospital fire by using Stacy the HIV lady's baby as a battering ram on the window.

So this is a double entry for two, two, two mediocre episodes in one! And I am also sick and nauseous as I work these bitches, though I'm afraid I can't attribute that to NS. Let's see if I make it through without slitting my wrists. I join others for whom the honeymoon with General Hospital: Night Shift is now long...long over. It just plods along, without much happening of interest or lasting import - much like the Senate Judiciary Committee. Will they - oh my God - will they - will they bust someone? Will they call the Capitol police? Will they go for inherent contempt?! Oh, no...just another "strongly worded letter." Every now and again you get the sense that something might...might actually happen on NS that interests you, and the mix of characters and ideas appeals to you, and the setting should work, but they just...limp along and don't deliver. There's good ideas and sentiments that don't add up to anything because the foundation, the inspiration and production is almost wholly crap. The patients, I don't give a shit. Jason, no. Dr. Julian, no. Kelly's feverish rabid love tunnel, maybe. But that's about it. It's just a jumble of stuff thrown onscreen and no matter how cute I find Bradford Anderson, Spinelli is just more grating every week.


Take Stan's protest rally, for example. Very timely for NS to be pushing this story, in the wake of the recent release of Sicko. Health care issues, specifically universal health care, are on everybody's lips, and given the recurring characters of Sneed and Dr. Russell on GH it makes sense for them to go there. So of course we get "Keep The Change," in which the running undercurrent and theme is the issue of modern American health care. We see Stan picketing with the doctors and nurses, we see Patrick and Robin at odds with bottom-liners like Sneed and Russell over treatment, we see the moral lines blur for disciplinarian Epiphany. It's a noble idea to give this kind of social issue stuff major treatment within the confines of an hour daytime (quasi-daytime, anyway) drama. The problem is I can't think of people less qualified to write about this shit than Bob "Mobsters pwn 9/11 Firemen" Guza and Liz "Die Alexis Die Die Die A Gorilla Raped You & That's How You Got Kristina" Korte. It's just morally and intellectually dishonest for these motherfuckers to put on a big show of doing a running subplot about this shit when they don't give the hospital, the hospital-bound characters or any semblance of conventional human morality (which they theoretically are having Stan and Patrick espouse in this episode) any kind of fair airplay on mothership GH. Like, Stan fumes at his mother: "Or is happy another thing you didn't raise me to be?" And that's fair because yes, Epiphany is one serious cast-iron, joyless, hypocritical bitch. The problem is, Stan, you fucking work for the mob. Stan is happily part of a system that perpetuates crime and turmoil for the working class and for people just trying to make an honest dollar, and this is a fucking fact no matter what kind of bullshit Guza and Korte still peddle about Jason and Sonny and the organization on a daily basis (and I still remember Tammy and the other dock whores cooing about Sonny's manly protection keeping the streets clean). Stan's hands are as dirty and probably dirtier than the soulless corporate thinking that he is claiming to fight against, and he has no right to be the voice of the revolution on the show, nor does Guza have every right to put him there. Patrick and Robin, okay. Stan, fucking no. It reminds me of the classic Theo Huxtable Speech scene on The Cosby Show; Theo comes out with the big speech about why he can be a trucker or whatever and not go to college and Cliff should love him anyway, and the audience applauds because there is certainly some truth in that, until you reach the larger intellectual fallacy of his position and his approach to things, at which point, Cliff responds with, "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" And that's where I'm at with Stan: He is right, but he is also so fucking wrong. And fucking hacks who glorify the mob five days a week and compare them to first-responders have no right to tell me anything about American health care, no matter how much I may agree with the concepts they are trying to put up there onscreen. You want to talk about ZOMG SOSHL ISHOOZ, Bob? Try making someone pay for the deaths of Alan and Lorenzo Alcazar. I used to own a copy of Prom Night, you fucked-up mash-up of Truman Capote and Blade. I know your work.

"...We were in this bar in Saigon and this kid comes up, this kid carrying a shoe-shine box. And he says 'Shine, please, shine!' I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said 'Yeah.' And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! Nobody would help! He's saying, sayin' 'I wanna go home! I wanna go home!' He keeps calling my name! 'I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!' I said 'Why? I can't find your fuckin' legs! I can't find your legs!'"

Why is this motherfucker back?! He threatened her! He mugged her in the parking lot! Now he threatens her with a goddamn buck knife! What is it going to take for this psycho to get his ass kicked? What is it going to take for this shit to stop? And of course his authoritarian dogmatic homoerotic bullshit from the Corps is what breaks through to Lainey's demented dad, because Sergeant Chris Benoit here is the goddamn fucking Alzheimer's Whisperer. And because Lainey, poor uptight Lainey, is just too "by the book" and prim and proper to "loosen up" and really communicate with Penishead. Why does almost every single woman on a Bob Guza show have to be like this?! Any strong woman is always "uptight." "Bitchy." "Out of touch with her emotions." "Unable to just let go." And so the forceful men can always put the little women playing men's games in their proper place - on their backs, getting shafted - and it's just the same story over. and over. AND OVER. Even when the man is obviously a psycho, like fucking Cody. Come on. We can't seriously be asked to buy this guy as a big softy deep down. We just can't. Stop it. Stop it. BTW, it bears mentioning for anyone lost that the monologue below the pic is from First Blood.


"My doctors tell me I may never bowl competitively again." Ha! Sneed is largely a two-dimensional caricature but that was a great line and the actress is great. The question now is, who is the Medcam spy: Her, Russell, or Leyla? Leyla has already been shown to be too obvious, but maybe that's the whole point. I am frankly voting Sneed herself at this point, the one who protests the most about Medcam. Gotta show another "uptight professional woman" her place! I do find this whole HMO feud/mystery a compelling story concept. The problem, again, is the characters are either shitty or shittily-written.

Bob Guza: Wry Mark Twain-esque humorist.

There's all sorts of other random bullshit in these two episodes, and that includes this fucking clown. Which, BTW, NOT NECESSARY. I see Night Shift has learned the invaluable lesson of almost every modern medical soap on television today, and that is: Always make sure every single patient in the hospital has an incredibly embarrassing sexual, behavioral or personal hygiene problem that will lead to constant broad sophomoric comedy. The nebbish "sleepwalking" horndog. The lady demanding a tit check. The clown with the brain tumor that makes him go HAHAHAHA! Etc. Just lay the "comedy" on thick with a trowel, that's fine. No need for nuance - go broad and "naughty" on everything. The "serious" stories are pretty fucking lacking too. Take the non-story of the coma teen whose father, played by a man who is clearly not Nicholas Coster despite a fine attempt, has a strained relationship with his rebellious son. As we already knew from previous weeks, this teen has brain damage and may awaken with his personality irreversibly altered. ZOMG IT MIRRORS JASON'S LIFE! And of course, with no preamble, the teen awakens just fine and bada-bing, totally different. And the dad is happy. And that's it. That's all. You know, it's been a long time but I am pretty sure the original Jason Morgan story had a lot fucking more to it than that. But never spend time on what you can just stick a neon sign on and then speed down the assembly line, that's Guza's motto and that's what they did with that non-story of Coma Teen, who I am pretty sure was recast from the last time we saw him with a totally different-looking guy. Then there's Leyla and her Iranian heritage - again, speed it down the line, just another beat so NS can say it ticked a storytelling box; it's just there so Leyla can make doe eyes at Patrick and then provide two seconds of angst for Patrick. No need to actually develop Leyla's character or any other when these helpful bullet points (Iranian; ostracized; accent) can compose a character for you!

Also, Toussaint and the Saints. Ha ha. Here I was seriously expecting Toussaint to have turned out to have been some old-school black businessman and fallen power magnate. But no - just a goddamn singer. And clearly there is some old relationship with Epiphany, because no two middle-aged black characters on any show can exist separately from each other. I half-expect them to throw Dr. Russell into the mix. Just a waste of people's talent, and of what could've been much more compelling possibilities for Lando Calrissian. For fuck's sake, people: He was administrator of this facility!


Poor Lindze Letherman. Allegedly having to go to the producers crying and asking what she did wrong to not have story. She is such a good little actress and they threw her under the bus just like they do every promising young actor they chew up and burn through and then get distracted from by the latest hot thing, who they will then promptly chew up and toss as well. She deserves better. I do kind of like her with Spinelli, even if he is a fucking idiot who should just get down on his knees and service Jason already, and...uh...let's move on from this topic. Lindze Letherman, if I had any money, I mean any, at all, in this universe, I would buy you a cupcake. I would. Because you deserve several. Even if not being the girl who gets it doggy-style while lying in a tub full of infected needles on top of the corpse of a diseased homeless person makes you "boring." Maybe you could send me money, and then I could buy you several cupcakes, of differing flavors.

Rough shit people. Sometimes I hate my (non-paying) job. Can you wait for another gripping episode of Night Shift in which wacky humiliating diseases make for wild hilarity and uppity professional women are made to "lighten up" through a pervasive, unrelenting atmosphere of juvenile sexuality? I know I fucking can't!

Lamest goddamn dancing I ever seen.

WILL SUCK DICK FOR COMMENTS

We all knew the offer was coming, let's face it. I try to "alert" people on the, how you say, "mailing list," but I think I always do it wrong. I'm no good with that shit. All thumbs. Like the neanderthal! Did he not have thumbs?

So anyway, I am wrung out and tired from some work this past week, and I did not have time to blog the last Night Shift yet, and I am too exhausted to do it right now. SOOOO'S, there will be a double entry of both last week's and tomorrow's episodes coming shortly. Meanwhile, Darn and I hope to start blogging OLTL again because of the upcoming anniversary week featuring OMFG ITS NATHAN FILLION. That is all. Resume ya bidness.

GH: Night Shift - 1x03 - Jake Dooks Platinum Bitches

HORK!! HORK!! Get on the good foot! UNNH!!

Finally, the first appearance of phantom cast member, Andy the Mildly Hot Anesthesiologist. Not as hot as his picture, but that's okay. Andy plays Sandman to the night shift staff by giving them happy zzz gas in between surgeries. Whatever. Does everyone have to be at least vaguely incompetent? This shit is verging on, like, Torchwood.

This week on Night Shift, we also got a delightful guest appearance from Jake Spencer (Morgan), otherwise known as Christchild 3000. And he really is an adorable baby. But - wait. Wait.

WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE.


They slipped that baby Rogaine! This baby just grew a whole head of fucking hair between scenes! Don't give me some bullshit, "oh, they combed over his hair," no no, I went back and looked at his first scene, that baby DID NOT have that much hair. I mean, he's absolutely darling but it's just ridiculous. I love his expression in the with-hair picture. "Yeah, I dumped, what? What you gon' do? This is life happening right here. It's real! I'm raw, I'm the future, Poppa, I make hits! I make hits!"

Epiphany did get off one great line about the GSW surgery: "Multiple gunshot wounds...(looks at Jason)...well, at least we know who isn't involved." Haha, score. And can the plot with Patrick and Toussaint's mystery whistling please stop? We all know it's Toussaint. It's clearly him. It's old. I don't care.

Penishead: Confessions of a Video Vixen

On the brighter side, NS appeared to understand how to portray Cody, or as I call him, "Corporal Apeshit Surprise" this week, realizing he is a psychotic lunatic. No more Meet Cute bullshit. Of course, as soon as I heard Lainey mention "a full exam" I knew they had to sneak in one more obnoxious double entendre. Now watch me be proven wrong and the whole knife business in the preview for this week turn out to be just part of Lainey's kinky blood play fetish. Sorry.


Look at his little face. So gangsta. "Whatchu want, bitch? Whatchu want? I'm money, bitch, I'm money! I dook gold, bitch, I dook platinum! My diaper jingle-jangles when I walk! This show is mine in ten years, mines, I am alpha and omega! What, chuwanna have a baby? Pssh! I'ma A.J. his ass. I'm a businessman! In my hydroplane I'm goooone! Don't touch Teddy."

Yet another of Kelly's hidden talents.

I thought the portrayal of Kelly Lee had reached new lows after hearing she managed to fuck Jerry Jacks on mothership GH and then seeing this latest episode, in which even Dr. Dirty Sanchez is scared of her junk, until I saw the final scene with her in the shower. Now I am wondering if there is actually a method to this big-toothed madness, beyond Kelly just being "chee chee chee chee chee! Yay SEX0Rszz!11!!1" all the time. If Dr. Kelly is in fact some kind of sex addict, that is actually fairly compelling and a nice explanation for her insane promiscuity. Therefore, I trust Guza/Korte/etc. to completely maul what should be a very sensitive storyline geared towards women. The other problem with it is that I am almost convinced that the actress playing Kelly is in fact an anthromorphized velociraptor, and that her gigantic Botox dinosaur grin could not handle the acting required.



And so dies Mrs. Storch and her fucking broccoli jokes. About time, I'm afraid. I am almost positive the saboteur is in fact a "Medcam" saboteur and that that saboteur is evil-ass Leyla. Any takers? Yeah, thought so. A vaguely compelling story, all things considered. It beats the weekly drudgery of that lame thing with the kid with cerebral edema (a.k.a. Jason Disease). I would like to think we won't see that boy again but I know how long it took to get rid of Storch, much less Cody, who ain't gone yet. Lame story. Anyway, bring on a more interesting episode. Nothing has matched the premiere, and the socially conscious stuff with Toussaint and Stan really needs work still.


"Chu know where I got all this hair from, player? I ripped it out of Lindze Letherman's scalp! She don't need it, does Georgie got a story? Wake me up when September ends, Georgie! Holla! You fuckers are all Demo Track Future, but I am Extended Thunderpuss Dance Mix Future! You got a problem, Mahaghony? You got a problem, cause I heard the news today, old boy: I am the Young Americans! All of them, they're mes! Mes!! Make way for the king! No, don't touch me, bitch, I don't want your milk. I only drink unicorn milk from diamond-encrusted cups. My other baby carriage is made from gun metal."

GH: Night Shift - 1x02 - MAKING IT RACIAL

Episode 2 of Night Shift was evidently brought to you by the National Association Of Unbelievably Simplistic Civil Rights Commentary on Gunshy Daytime Television. This (past) week, Toussaint carefully kneads his mop and reminisces about the Good Old Days, mean old Dr. Ford blames Nurse Regina for singlehandedly destroying all the progress made by "the race" (I swear) in the last fifty or so years because of a clerical error, and then Stan and Epiphany have kind of a dime store Raisin in the Sun moment. Very lame. WILLIEEEEE!!!

FWAP FWAP FWAP

No, no, Jason, that's not how you mop. Let Lando show you. It's okay. Let...let him show you. Treat the mop like a, uh, a lady, or your, uh...gender non-specific equivalent. Your boss, that's fine too. Let Lando show you how to lovingly ply your mop. Caress it. Sway with it. Yeah, all right, enough. Stop it, Billy Dee.

Guh?

It Had To Happen: Maxie has Ass Cancer. Are you really surprised? Are any of us? Only that it was done on a soap, perhaps, but as we are constantly being reminded by the various little outre bits like this on NS, this is cable bitches! Cable watch us go! Now, was it necessary for me to learn all the intricacies of Maxie's gross staph infection, I think no. The question is how long I'm expected to go along with Maxie's merry, disease-ridden whoredom. I will say this for her and Kirsten Storms, again; a lot of the comic dialogue with her and Sneed and later Epiphany about it is actually, well, comic, and KS actually does well with it. Frankly, if Maxie could segue into being a more concretely comic character a la Lucy Coe or her mother, with less raunchy sex, it'd be the best thing for her right now. Otherwise, the constant plot loop of "I have crazy and medically unsafe adventures with sex and drugs/oops I have a paper heart, 'm sorry BJ!" is getting old.


And now, back to ye olde thesis statement: Dr. Ford has to MAKE IT RACIAL. Regina and her clerical errors of supposed racial inequality. "Fifty years ago, no, even twenty years ago...!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, people, break it up. I can't decide how to feel about this shit, honestly, and feel a little uncomfortable addressing it as a LILY WHITE COMMENTATOR. This is really an entry for Darn but he doesn't want to blog the show. Now, it's one thing for the writers behind NS to acknowledge openly within the narrative the fact that all the characters talking about this stuff in the episode - competency, labor rights, etc. - are black and interacting together. That does take some guts, because on most soaps today (excepting the Victoria Rowell years) , you still won't see minority characters acknowledging shared heritage or cross-cultural concerns in any real way, mostly because I think much of daytime still is afraid of scaring old ladies in Peoria. That's also part of why you still don't see many black man/white woman pairings on soaps, because of that disgusting old racist trope (except for John and Evangeline, they were just gross) . I think you generally don't see a minority character on daytime aggressively addressing social concerns because TPTB are afraid of showing that minority character as being "political" or "angry" and therefore somehow "frightening" to white suburban viewers. RJ on OLTL has dreadlocks and angrily berates the police, therefore, RJ is perpetually "shady" and "dangerous" and kept off-sides, giving brilliant thespian Tim Stickney nothing to do. And therefore, you know, Brian and Claudia just hang out at the disco, or Derek Frye and Hank Gannon just stand around saying things like "Be careful, Tad" or "How are you holding up, Bo?" I dunno, Hank, maybe he's holding up the same way he was when you started asking him that question ten years ago.

So yeah, it's one thing for these characters' potential shared concerns to be acknowledged. I think that takes some courage, and I applaud Michele ValJean if she is responsible for the ratio of black characters on NS. My problem with what was done in Episode 2 is in the execution. My problem is when daytime does what it often does, just skates over the concepts in the most fly-by-night, sanitized, one-size-fits-all way, and that's what I felt NS did. Dr. Ford, Regina, Epiphany, Stan, and Toussaint are all black, therefore NS says they all must share the same or similar concerns and are dominated by thinking about them throughout the episode. And when they do talk about this stuff, they're relating it back to simply the civil rights struggle and the generational gap and then they mouth platitudes in the most two-dimensional way. That's when I think you've got a problem. You can't start to deal in a decidedly un-daytime, unvarnished idea and then shine it up and make it as PC, soap-glossy and simplistic as possible and then call it a "message show" and pat yourself on the back. I acknowledge that this is an hour show on SoapNet and you've got about forty-five to fifty minutes and numerous other storylines, but what exactly did we take from this stuff? Dr. Ford is a meanie and Epiphany is bossy and Regina and Stan are the fyoocha? It was like lazy cliff notes "message" stuff, like an episode of Growing Pains; Dr. Ford is shown as a gruff taskmaster looking back on history, but the show tells us that is all that he is, being unreasonably mean to Regina, without bothering to show us another facet to his character or elucidate on his personal experience. Toussaint dismisses him as just "a jackass" while pumping fists with Stan, who, given an activist's voice and shown positively, gets his mob connections glossed over just like Spinelli's, and Epiphany is shown as unreasonable as usual, just an "overprotective mother" (and I hate Epiphany, but also hate Stan - but I love Kiko Ellsworth) . The characters are filed into A or B-types with a little lip service to the civil rights struggle and no further dialogue or depth. That's not taking a real risk to me, and that's why I roll my eyes at NS trying to Make It Racial. They wanted to try to jolt people by dealing with almost all the black characters (except Lainey, and oh lord that is another story) and maybe get a pat on the back from the press, but they didn't want to have to do anything actually substantive or consequential. It's like the director in Soapdish on the show's new "soup kitchen in the Bahamas" storyline, full of hot model types as the "homeless" -- "we're making a statement here, people; let's not underline the statement, let's just make it!" And that's what daytime still does to this day. And that's my problem with this stuff. SHIELDS UP.

...Attica?

Now watch them spend all of Episode 3 on a careful, reasoned dissection of these characters. I would laugh my ass off and eat so much crow. I will say that I like the use of another hospital strike storyline a la Port Charles and Kiko Ellsworth is still a fine actor and a fine man. I am beginning to wonder if there is a mole on-staff for the nefarious "Medcam" (or whatever) that Dr. Ford talks about, who changed Regina's entry on the bypass surgery, and if that mole could in fact be mean old Dr. Ford, the least obvious suspect. That would be very Guza.

Another STFU Epiphany moment: Epiphany throws shade on Nurse Jolene about Jason; "that man there is way out of your league." O SRY PIFFNY I DIDN NO THE BLOODTHIRSTY HITMAN WUZ 2 GUD 4 ME!!

First date etiquette lesson from Jase: NO CARJACKING, ASSAULT OR POTENTIAL RAPE.

NOT NECESSARY.

...They come together in an emotional moment, collide, and come out with a mutual human understanding, and then there are no gay people! It's just like Crash! Seriously, what the fuck was that?! Corporal Emo wants his drugs, or maybe he wants Lainey to understand his pain and go on a date with him, so he ATTACKS HER IN THE PARKING LOT. Smooth. And this being a Bob Guza show, it's all about Sgt. Macho putting his boot to the neck of the woman who's been "putting on airs." "I was making a point," Cpl. Emo tells Lainey, about his helplessness due to Gulf War Syndrome or whatever (he's a Iraq vet) . That's great. Why did Lainey not also "make a point" by taking an aluminum bat to his crotch? The man goddamn fucking mugged her in the fucking goddamn parking lot and now he wants her to take him on as a patient and go out with him. Jesus H. fucking Christ. What the fuckity fuck. I can't even, okay, nevermind. Nevermind.

I will give Dr. 21 Jump Street some props this week in his bit with Maxie, despite still being absolutely Christing ugly. "How good are you?" "The best. At what?" Hee.


There is actually no reason for my putting up this shot of Spinelli's spread legs. Um, I apologize. To humanity.

Slow episode, slow week, lame recap. Next plz.

GH: Night Shift - 1x01 - Marvin, He Was A Friend Of Mine

The HOT SEXY CAST of the new General Hospital spinoff "Night Shift."

Let's get this out of the way first: OH MY GOD IT IS A SHITTY CHICK ROCK COVER OF "NIGHT SHIFT." What the fuck, guys. What the fuck. Okay, moving along to the show...

...I actually really enjoyed it. It was not the height of great soap opera. Like, at all. It was not Claire Labine, it was not Harding Lemay, it was probably not even Brown & Esenstein at their best, and I really hate them. But you know what? It was fine. It showed the hospital. It was all about the people in the hospital. People worked in the hospital and talked about the hospital. You know, like they don't do on General fucking Hospital. And it looks real, unlike GL's Benihana Memorial Hospital with the paper walls and the complimentary California roll with every surgical procedure. We even got exterior stuff and the great cheesy CGI. There's a lot of problems and flaws, the deification of Jason continues, some annoying characters, but it's just started, and you know, it's just not that bad. It's fun. One of the best things about it is making Robin (and Patrick) the emotional center, the core and the heroine. I think that should be her rightful place on GH, as a doctor, alongside people like Steve and Audrey and so on. She should be the show's conscience for the future. Kim McCullough is the best. Kim, if you're out there, we love you, honey. Nothing was the same without you, and you are slowly but surely, almost single-handedly saving General Hospital. You are my homey for life, Robin Scorpio! Ride or die. To where, I have no idea.

I guess I should also stop and take a moment to explain my quiet shame. My "secret pain," if you will. I feel it's important I share this with you all - all six of you - so you might then be able to make an informed choice on whether to continue reading my blog entries or instead, retch in disgust and flee for the hills. You see, it's like this:


I HAVE A MASSIVE CRUSH ON BRADFORD ANDERSON.

There. I know. I know, okay?! God! I am not proud of it. It's a disease, I understand that, and-and -- I know I have to make a choice to get help. But I'm...I'm not there yet. Okay? I'm just not. I'm not emotionally prepared. I am sorry, guys. I think Bradford Anderson is fucking adorable and would jump him in a second - and yet, it is horrible because no, I cannot stand the character of fuckin' Spinelli and I think his dialogue is just completely idiotic. They are really straining to invent their own unique lingo for Spinelli, and it comes off incredibly forced, these middle-aged men and women struggling to sound hip and young. Newsflash: if you have to try that hard, it's never going to work, and it's not worth it. But regardless, I think Bradford Anderson is clearly an excellent, expressive actor doing his best with the shucking and jiving caricature he is given. So let Spinelli be a bit more socialized. Let him stop talking like an autistic retard; how many times can he say "the minions of...?" "The Innocent One?" That's just desperate. "The Blonde One?" Jesus God that was stupid. It doesn't help that he's drank the mob Kool-Aid, either. Yeah, that's what we needed, another character who loves and worships the mob crew. Why can't Jason's understanding of Spinelli and his unassuming life with his grandma, along with his need for Liz and his child, be what starts to pull Jason back out of the braindead sanctimonious Gummi Bear Mob lifestyle and back towards something resembling humanity? Not that I can tolerate Jason or Steve Burton remaining on GH, because I can't, but still. Still. Meet me halfway. Because I am in love with Bradford Anderson. And frankly he's done so much theater that I...like to think I could have a shot.

...Um, gentrification.

I love the crazy dime-store CGI employed to show us the real city of Port Charles for the first time in many years (unless you count the Towering Whoreferno of 2004 in which it looked like some plastic buildings were belching orange juice) , with everything way too big and glittery. It looks like Coruscant, the Imperial City from Star Wars. Only the finest home editing studio in WeHo for this CGI! No, seriously, it's cute, I liked it. It just could've done with a few X-Wings flitting around the skyline.

Not a system. A man.

Toussaint the janitor: Administrator of your butt-ass naked facility, all up in his bed. A man who could sleep with anything or anyone in that damn hospital. Oh, Lando, take me now. I am just happy to see Billy Dee Williams staying off the streets, okay? I will watch him do anything, Lando was always one of my favorites. Lando never got enough respect. Motherfucker blew up the Death Star! Respect. I cannot wait to hear about Lando's "mysterious past." It is sure to be lame but I am excited. No doubt he was once a rich man with wealth and power, perhaps running a city in the clouds...full of IKEA furniture.

Lando lovingly fingers the elevator button. "Works every time!"


And now to the rest of our strictly basic cable ensemble, and the new kids. "Dr. Leo Julian" is a porn name, and this dude is gross. He looks like a 50%-off Elias Koteas from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or an uglier Rembrandt from The Warriors. Eww. "You want me to see patients, Epiphany? WHUT? Don't you know I'm loco?!" Shutty. At least the new anesthesiologist, who we have yet to see onscreen, looks cute over on the official site. And there's always Kiko Ellsworth, but I'm afraid I can't take him seriously anymore. I find it both hilarious and sad that Kiko is right back on another soap of the exact same show, playing a thrice-recast role of the token black dude on GH, and of course they will try to put him and Kent King over in the "black corner." Ain't right. Like Lainey would have anything to do with Stan. Lainey is not the sharpest knife, but no way, especially not after the death of InJustus. Also hilarious: these two were both already paired up together on that other General Hospital spinoff. Except Lainey was a werewolf and he was a vampire! Retarded.

I know the dolls over at Serial Drama weren't too thrilled with the Weird Sisters Three, but I thought the nurses were okay except for Leyla. The "green young student" crap was overplayed but Regina reminded me so much of Myra from Family Matters, and frankly this show needs a predominantly independent new cast to survive IMHO. The more doctor/nurse characters the better. Leyla can die by fire, though. That would be fine. I noticed Kale Browne, or as I have come to call him, "DJ Welfare," was back doing the now-omnipresent and constant voice-over for the PA system. Jill Farren Phelps will not let Kale go wanting for rent money. We never heard so much radio, offscreen television and PA messages on a soap until Kale Browne got fired from OLTL. "Paging Dr. So-&-So...calling Nurse Such-&-Some Shit...I will do this for as long as it takes to pay my child support, people. You don't know what it's like out there, I could be doing industrial films. Infomercials for stool softeners. It's not okay, I used to be someone. Kassie dePaiva was all over me in our story. I'm going to end up starring in The Larry King Story on the Hallmark channel with a fake nose. Paging Dr. Drake..."

Hey, look, it's Allie Doyle! Someone finally found work! Wouldn't it be hilarious if she really was Crazy Allie incognito? I'd laugh. Just like if that mean old doctor was Dr. Grant from AMC on the '70s. Don't laugh at her, Ricky Paull Goldin, it could be you!

It's like looking into the surface of the sun.

URGENT NEWS UPDATE: MAXIE IS STILL A WHORE. I know, you're shocked. No, I'm still not over it, clearly. I will admit that Kirsten Storms is a bit more tolerable with some bitchier, witter dialogue, but Maxie as a character is just never going to fully recover from these years. And her boyfriend Coop is very hot, if dumb, useless and doomed a la Officer Jesse. At least this boyfriend appears old enough to shave. I'm still really annoyed that they want me to buy him as a cop when he was a terrorist at the Metro Court mere months ago. Coop at least has the good sense to know to cover up Maxie's monchichi, lest it cause the universe to fold in upon itself and sucks it inside her like a black hole, causing another Crisis On Infinite Earths. Good looking out, Coop.

Drugged + Hysterical % In Bed = Vanessa Marcil

As for the obvious question, who is BARRETT? Is it the Brender? I really doubt it, personally. Despite the rumors, I still refuse to believe even Typical Fucking GH is stupid enough to recast Brenda; I may have always hated her and VM, but I recognize her one of a kind persona and how closely, inextricably tied it is to Brenda; in many ways, IMHO, Vanessa is Brenda and Brenda is Vanessa. Someone had to put together the (scientifically impossible, so I hear) nitrous explosion on the ambulance. I think it's more likely that that same someone wants Jason and co. to believe BARRETT is Brenda to lure them in, or that Patient X is a relative of Useless Coop. I guess we'll see. But recasting Brenda would not give this show an auspicious start, especially if NuBrenda then immediately migrates to the mothership GH. ABC needs to not be pushing its luck with these major recasts. They got extremely lucky, one shot in a million with the Greenlee recast IMHO; Brenda is much bigger and that much harder.

Don't...don't toy with me, Bradford.


So that's it! Thank God I got this done before Episode 2. I'll see you guys there. I honestly like the show. Yes, it's got lots of flaws (all the mob apologists, right down to fuckin' Epiphany the stereotype) , no, it's no great shakes, but it's a decent enough start given the mob-infested, misogynistic show it comes from. It shows us stuff like Robin and Patrick together, working, in the hospital, and everything is coming out alright. I like it, I'm for it, and I'm sticking with it as long as my non-SoapNet self can access the episodes. Hooray. And look at that sunrise!

All screencaps courtesy of "Clarissa" at nopeekiepeekie until further notice. One more for the road: the real "Night Shift..."



Forgot about J.

COMING SOON TO THE WRECK CENTER

You can either profit by this...or be destroyed.