OLTL - Race Wars

Or The Marcie VS. Todd Debate. Basically Jase and I disagree on the whole situation. Our friendship hangs in the balance!

Oh yes before we begin I just want it known that OLTL is running on all cylinders at the moment. Truly I can say without hyperbole that it's the best soap on the air.

Jase: Rex and Adriana admitting their fault is so good.

Darn: Yeah, that'll satisfy the complainers.

Jase: It satisfied me.

Darn: Yes, the complainers. :P

Jase: I don't complain!

Darn: About Rex and Adriana you do!

Jase: Rightfully!

Jase: Until now, now they've cleared it up and I am happy.

Darn: I think everyone who kept Todd from that child except for Margaret was completely in the right.

Jase: That's because you smoke weed.

Jase: I'm sorry but after the first stop on Marcie and Tommy's Magical Mystery Tour that argument dried the fuck up.

Jase: And especially after she started waving the gun around.

Darn: That doesn't negate Todd's deep history of being, um, EVIL.

Jase: That doesn't change the fact that they weren't God or the law.

Jase: When you take the matriarch hostage with a gun you are no better than Todd.

Darn: Marcie went about keeping him in the wrong way, for sure but Todd went about taking him the wrong way and goes about life in general the wrong way.

Darn: Oh please.

Jase: I felt for her during this, and yes Todd is a bad man, but she became what she hated.

Jase: Well, that's why the story works, because we both feel two ways about it.

Jase: The show doesn't MAKE you feel one way or the other.

Darn: I suppose. Even though you're wrong.

Jase: Even though you smoke rocks.

Jase: With the rest of the white neo Nazis.

Jase: I liked the blanket thing.

Darn: I'm surprised Todd didn't rip it apart in front of Tommy while telling him Marcie was dead.

Jase: Oh, you.

Jase: Even yoooouuu admitted T&B melted your heart a few months ago.

Darn: Because for once he acted like a DECENT person.

Jase: What was he supposed to do, give the baby up?

Jase: Todd would never do that.

Darn: That's the problem with characters like Todd, they act decent for an episode and you have to praise them. People like Marcie fuck up for a few months and suddenly they're "just like Todd". It's just not true.

Darn: No, I wouldn't expect him to, that doesn't mean I can't dislike him for the way he's acted.

Jase: I don't just praise Todd when he's decent, I praise him when he's indecent because I like the character. That's in character, he does good things and horrible things. And yes, I do think Marcie in a way began to resemble Todd with her thoughtless and self obsessed actions.

Jase: She's not a rapist or murderer, but she was doing Todd-like things.

Darn: She kidnapped a baby, what other sort of Todd-like things did she do?

Jase: I don't think you can't dislike him but you have to admit he has another side to the character. He's had a bunch of scenes in the last couple months talking about how maybe Marcie is right, maybe he should let it go, he's a monster, blah blah blah.

Jase: She held Viki at gunpoint.

Darn: And she didn't kidnap Tommy to "punish" anyone the way Todd did when he took Blair's baby, she took him out of a desire to protect him.

Jase: In the end it started to become about punishing Todd and Michael.

Jase: She kept calling Michael up one last time to tell him he would never see them again and demanding money, come on, WTF?

Darn: Todd and his "I'm so awful, wah, wah, wah" bullshit has been going on for years.

Darn: I'm sorry but comparing Marcie to Todd is trying too hard to make her just as bad as him.

Jase: ANYONE who told her this was not good for the baby she had to yell at.

Jase: I don't think she's as bad as him. I do think she was going down that road.

Jase: Excuse me, I have to go find a bottle I can break so we can continue this discussion with me brandishing one end of it.

Jase: This is like Hannity & Colmes.

Darn: She wasn't anywhere near him, even at the end. And holding Viki hostage was horrible but didn't Todd hold half the town hostage with a fake bomb? And as everyone said Marcie wasn't going to hurt Viki, even Viki knew that.

Jase: Michael didn't, John didn't. Marcie didn't.

Darn: Oh come now. Tell me when desperation and intention became the same thing.

Jase: Why did any of them believe she could do it?

Darn: Because she was desperate, that's the only reason. Unlike Todd who when he hurts people does it with intent.

Jase: Because yeah, if not for Michael and Viki I think that could've ended with Marcie eating a gun.

Darn: I doubt they were thinking "If Viki talks smack to her she's gonna get a bullet to the knee."

Jase: Well, let's get meta, does Britney Spears hurt people with intent? I doubt it but she still hurts them.

Jase: And it's still not acceptable.

Darn: Of course not but you keep saying she was approaching Todd levels of awful.

Jase: I think you're supposed to draw parallels, yes. Marcie has spent all her time saying she could never do as Todd did, yet there she is pointing a gun at Viki and asking for a chopper.

Darn: Marcie's few months of being on the run and ONE NIGHT of a complete break from reality don't compare to years of destructive behavior, SORRY.

Jase: No it doesn't, but it doesn't excuse her, either.

Jase: I feel very sorry for her and I thought she was heartbreaking this last week, but still, I'm not sorry she's paying.

Darn: I'm not asking for her to be excused but she certainly has reasons for what she did. And the only reason I want her to pay is because it makes for a good story, not necessarily because she deserves it.

Jase: Okay then.

Jase: I am going to go throw a wastebasket through the window of the pizza parlor of your soul.

Enclosed from Jase: A special glimpse at somebody from OLTL's past courtesy of Shakespeare In The Park - Ellen Holly (a.k.a. Carla Hall) as Regan in King Lear with James Earl Jones.

OLTL - DEAR BRITTANY UNDERWOOD

Dear Brittany Underwood,

During last year's unbelievably godawful "Prom Night" storyline on OLTL (sorry, but it was), we (Darn and Jase) gave you and Jason Tam a lot of crap for your goofy-ass musical performance. Your story seemed really ridiculous to us and a waste of space. It was (to us), but you weren't. You, or someone posing as you, posted a reply on our blog entry saying you were sorry we didn't like it and that you had worked very hard, etc etc. And we're sure you did! It's not your fault OLTL had no taste back then. The point is, we feel bad. See, since that time, OLTL has really improved thanks to Ron Carlivati, your new headwriter (who is now striking, and if I see him on the street, I will buy him a Danish and give him subway fare). Ron Carlivati has made my show great again. He's also given you, yes you, a very, very good storyline, and Langston is now a big favorite of ours. You have risen to the challenge. Your scenes with Robin Strasser a while ago were excellent, and you are really being made a great part of the Cramers, sort of a fish out of water. We love that Starr is getting back to being a bitchy sort of Starr, and we love that it looks like you two are going to bust up big time over Cole. I mean, we still think Cole's pretty useless, but the capability for ~*DRAMA*~ is going to be awesome.

Also, I've (Jase) come to realize that Jason Tam is in fact unbearably hot, and a good actor. I see his ads for A Chorus Line on TV all the time, and if faced with him in public I would embarrass myself given that he is at least five or six years younger than me but damn. Damn, damn, damn. Anyway, we just wanted to say we are sorry we gave you a hard time, even though your story really was bad back then, because you're great now. You were always good, it was just the writing. And the terrible singing and dancing. I'm sure you can actually dance and sing in real life. At least I hope so. Just don't do that snakey neck thing you did. I doubt you will see this entry, but we just wanted to put it out in the world donchaknow. Also, if Jason Tam ever wants to date a misanthropic blogger who is either (a) angry and black or (b) neurotic, spoiled and Jewish, he knows where to email us. In conclusion:


with Jarn seal of approval:


We approve. You are the freak. Signed, Jase & Darn (Jarn)

HOT SEXY UPDATE MMM

Hooray for boredom and serendipity! Last week's Night Shift was almost totally unmentionable and unremarkable - fortunately, it is part of a doubly unremarkable two-parter! Therefore, I shall cover both as one yet again in the next several days! Also coming soon: An OLTL post. We swear! Good night.

ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke

Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.

Live Earth, or "If I Ran The Soaps..."

...So I'm not doing my final Y&R and GL posts like I should be right now, because I'm watching Live Earth all day. Just like with Live 8, I love to watch the more obscure foreign concerts in Tokyo, Brazil, Shanghai, Hamburg, etc. with acts I've never heard of that are so exotic and interesting. Toni Collette and her band were amazing in Sydney. And frankly, it beats Madonna embarrassing herself and the entire venture with her gypsy act at Wembley. Oh my God. Did you see that? It was like Inland Empire.

But the reason I bring this up here is because I needed to rehash my tired old rant that anyone who knows me knows by heart: If I ran a soap, you wouldn't need a lame prefab teen scene story this summer. Why? Because I'd just take it to Live Earth. In the story, have the kids go to Live Earth. Didn't DOOL do this in a retarded way with the Stones a couple years ago? Well, nevermind. I'm just saying. Don't spend all that fucking money on musical numbers and guest acts and choreography and songwriters. Just take a few light and easy to move with cameras to several different venues, take the young actors necessary, split the kids up at different venues, including the more obscure ones, say, one at Hamburg and Tokyo or Brazil along with two at New York and London, structure a very loose series of plot beats around the concerts, and have them communicate by their phones, showing each other - and through them, the audience - what is going on around the world at these different concerts. Run a promotional tie-in on the network website with Live Earth and a phone provider; "follow Starr and Matthew (or whoever) and the gang on their phones as they travel the globe with Live Earth." And then, in the local area, so as not to disrupt the concert, pretape most of the story material with the kids in a block, like they did with the Hawaii remote on OLTL a few years ago. Break the scenes up and string it out throughout the concert footage.

Yeah, Live Earth or any other similar global concert would probably never allow it, and they'd probably be right not to. But honestly I think it would work and be - relatively, of course I probably have no idea what I'm talking about - cheap. A few cameras, a few kids, mostly pretaped footage, and just let the concerts guide it. So you get a fun teen story, but more importantly, you can teach The Kids At Home something by watching this stuff, as well as exposing them to all sorts of music around the world they've never heard. I don't understand why TPTB spend such stuff trying to "stay on the pulse of youth" and don't think of something so simple.

...So anyway, I have been gone. Long week. I am making up for it with an extra-big Y&R post that covers most of this week, as well as an extended GL one. l8rs. Phil Collins is trying to be hardcore in London, I gotta watch that.

OLTL - Obligatory Angry Trevor St. John Interview Post

St. Joooohhnnnnn!!! Run, playboy, run!

Had it. Had. it.

kthnx.

OLTL - Monday - Clockwork Cringing

Now imagine that less smiley and more black. This is gonna be fun! Yeah! I'm pumped! A whole week of being forced to watch OLTL! I AM SO THRILLED BY THE POSSIBILITIES!

I hate you, jase.

I actually watch OLTL pretty regularly. Regular like a woman's cycle. 3 days out of a month. Was that gross? Sorry.

FIRST OF ALL, I used to watch OLTL daily when Jen was alive and I am sorry but this shit needs to stop. I am fucking sick of the Jen retrospective every 6 fucking months. Buck the fuck up, Lindsay, you didn't even like the little tramp that much anyway, admit. Why are we constantly treated to rememberances of Jen? I'd appreciate it if anyone liked Jen but she was pretty much universally hated. Not just by fans either, look at the show, the same 3 people mourn her all the damn time.

Jen was proficient at one thing: Sucking. At life, on the dirty hosebeast...basically bitch was a plunger.

Onto more current annoying things, Miles. Or as I like to call him Retard in Motion. And not the bad retard, I mean retarded as in truly retarded, like emotionally. Being ugly made him completely ignorant of how the world works? His whole "What is this thing between my legs? WHAT DOES IT DO, MOMMYMARTY? Why does it HURT SO GOOD?!" schtick is possibly the most ill-conceived character trait I've ever seen. It pains me to watch him learn how to breathe and talk and eat like a real live boy.

Speaking of painful John and Marty are in a word: Motherfucking Horrendous. I'd start with Marty but really the more you write about Marty the closer you wish for the sweet embrace of death. And John...John is ridiculous. On every level. He certainly looks it with the perpertually pursed lips and his hands bolted to his hips, you know Michael Easton thinks he's fucking Superman.

"Sorry, Nats, no fat chicks."

No, Melissa Archer is not fat, she's beautiful even if her hair did look like refried shit today and she had to act out a stupid scene about foundations or some such nonsense. It's cute that Natalie is working at Buchana Enterprises. Does Jess work at The Banner? Does she work at all? I like her and Nash by the way. They're cute. And they made Antonio cry, score!

Now I'd comment on the Viki/Dorian/Clint scenes but then I'd have to criticize Erika Slezak's acting and Jerry ver Dorn un-Clintness and talk about how young, beautiful and fantastic Robin Strasser is all the time and well, that just wouldn't be fair, would it? She does look fantastic though.

And for jase, again.

SEXMEWANT! BIGNIPPLESMEHAVE!



NEEDSUMMERJOB!



TERRIBLYUNTALENTED! ARGGGGH!

OLTL - We're The Freak

jase: Ooh, Youtube clips are up of today's shitty musical. And the parts I liked.

Darn: Link me to Marko and Langston's song please.

jase: Why do you want to watch THAT again?

Darn: I loved it, in the worst way.

jase: That was the worst of them all.

jase: Those other two had redeeming qualities.

Darn: Oh but I loved it. It was so fucking bad.

jase: Let me see...



jase: I love how they tried to go 80s electro/boogaloo. I was like, "I literally CANNOT believe One Life to Live is doing this."

jase: I was so mortified.

Darn: OMG, Blair and Starr are a total Summer Eve commercial.

jase: HAHA.

Darn: AWWWW...TEARS.

jase: ?

Darn: Pics of little Starr.

jase: KDP does have a beautiful voice even if I hate Blair singing.

Darn: This is why seeing the kids grow up is so nice.

jase: That's why I get so angry when idiots are like "ooh Starr is played out, so ugly and unattractive, Langston and Britney are DA FOOCHA!"

Darn: Even if Starr isn't Starr anymore at the very least she's the centerpiece of this story.

jase: Doesn't matter.

jase: The reason she is is because she's out of character as that person.

Darn: Oh, Brandon Buddy doesn't sound too bad.

jase: I haven't heard him sing and am avoiding it.

Darn: What is on Starr's dress?

jase: Two guesses.

Darn: My mind is going to awful jokes.

Darn: Bukkake?

jase: Dip. David and Dorian had a food fight.

Darn: Oh, cute.

jase: The link I sent you, the user I think has the entire episode in clips.

Darn: How many songs did they write? Seriously, we have 3 more days of this?

jase: Seriously, hasn't it been 8 or so already?

jase: Songs.

Darn: It's crazy.

Darn: This song is so fucking somber. Are these kids in a suicide pact?

jase: What song?

Darn: The last one on Friday.

jase: Didn't see.

jase: I just realized Langston and Markko are Slater and Jesse. Points for originality!

Darn: Nah, they're not Slater and Jesse.

jase: Yes, they are. Street dude, counterculture girl.

Darn: Jesse was like militant feminist bookworm.

Darn: Langston colors her hair.

jase: They're essentially the same IMHO.

Darn: Slater was not this gay and Slater was HOT so there.

jase: Yes, troo.

jase: Langston's Sebastian the Crab dance at the beginning of this number with Markko is awful. And her singing and the lyrics.

jase: "We found no actual suitably Latino youngsters we deemed 'safe' for white teenagers, so we hired this Native American kid."

Darn: Haha, Native American.

jase: He is! I swear. I'm awful.

Darn: WTF is this?

Darn: Starr, Langston and Brittany being surrounding by extras with sheets.

jase: Yeah, ridiculous.

jase: But the song was okay.

Darn: Yeah, it's like a mid-tempo pop rock song.

jase: And the "extreme" cuts to commercial work for once. They spend so much time on all this that could be fun and gay and campy with the cast we care about, but waste it on just these kids.

Darn: "I'll criticize you." I love whatever they did to his voice.

jase: You mean nothing?

jase: Well, he clearly could never sing so they don't bother. He's this mostly mute dancing thing.

Darn: "That's very special"

Darn: This is SO GREAT.

jase: "I'm so special, so very very special." I wanted to punch her in the face.

jase: Her singing and dancing there is AWFUL. But she's cute for the rest of it.

jase: I like the dyke who says "we get freak-ay" and that twink.

Darn: I like how the dancers took a break from making amateur porn to do a soap.

jase: HAHA, I told you they were Frank Valentini's old tricks.

jase: And some friends of Susan Flannery from the bar.

Darn: I see you kicking back and chilling [BRUSH YOUR SHOULDER OFF] think yo style is the best.

jase: "We like to get around I may be different from the rest." WHAT?

Darn: This whole back and forth reminds me of Teen Witch.

jase: Yeah, but Dan Gauthier was there.

Darn: "Like, whenever" THIS IS FANTASTIC!

jase: I like the more middle aged of Markko's "friends" too.

jase: "I got to give it. give it. give it. backtoYOU."

Darn: Oh god, Marko is cute to me now.

jase: Jesus Christ.

jase: Stop drinking, Ray Charles.

Darn: Oh come on, you like Spinelli.

jase: Spinelli didn't do this shit.

Darn: Yeah but I mean, shut up.

jase: NICE DEFENSE.

jase: You keep lusting after Warpath.

Darn: HAHAHAHA!

Darn: Bastard.

Darn: Marcie and her fabulous Las Vegas revue.

jase: Marcie's number is the best because of the unbelievable GAY of all the dancers and her voice and looks.

Darn: Love how they write a song called "Chemistry" for kids who have none.

jase: She was a knockout. Why isn't she like that all the time?

jase: Thanks, now I can't stop listening to the worst number.

Darn: BEST worst number.

jase: Haha, let's both recycle all our comments tenfold on TWOP.

Darn: Yes, well, like I should waste all this on you.

Darn: TIS GOLD!

jase: Or I on you.

jase: OOHHH ONE UP MANSHIP! I feel a Freak dance number coming on!

jase: You are Markko, I am Langston!

Darn: Okay!

Darn: You go first!

jase: No, that's all I got.

jase: I can't write songs, bitch you crazy.

Darn: Neither can they.

jase: I would have to be somewhat drunk to even attempt that.

jase: Which...could be arranged but never mind.

jase: Dammit, NOW I HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN.

Darn: I have it on rotation.

Darn: I need this on MP3.

jase: I'm sure they'll sell the CD.

jase: Which means we will be endorsing this shit. SO MUCH FOR THE HINSEY LETTER.

jase: Somewhere out there Frank is watching this number groping himself, reading the boards, like, "yeah, suck it Jase."

Darn: And I will...NOT BUY IT, are you insane?

jase: "We like to get around/I may be different from the rest." Yeah, still not a acceptable lyric.

jase: The vapid Flock Of Seagulls twink dancing with the dyke shoulda been Cole, that would be class.

jase: Hilarious.

Darn: Oh definitely.

jase: Red hair, it all fits!

Darn: Marcie should have sung this part to Marko and Cole "There's a part of you that's growing..."

jase: Alright, clearly we can't let this pass without some kind of official blog entry.

jase: We can't stop talking about it.

jase: But I don't know what to do.

Darn: Me either!

jase: Dammit.

Darn: They really don't grasp how out of place this all is in-between the Klan attempting to kill the minorities, do they?

jase: HAHA, APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT!

jase: I was pondering that earlier.

jase: I love when they cut back to these somber ass scenes of Talia and Bo talking about murderous white supremacists.

jase: ...Are you ogling Apache Super-Chief again?

Darn: Yes, actually.

Darn: But what should we do?!

jase: I have no idea. We'd have to write our own parts, but...but...

jase: It will be so forced.

jase: I don't know songwriting, much less for a duo.

Darn: I wouldn't even know where to begin.

jase: Me neither.

jase: Clearly us beginning it with banter like "Yo Darn! Why you so black?" "Yo Jase! Why you such a Jew?" would be a bad start.

Darn: I...kind of like that.

jase: Uh, I don't think that would play with "the fans." All six.

jase: "I keep my fellas ready." I'm sure you do, Markko.

Darn: Didn't he say "posse"?

jase: No, he says fellas later.

Darn: Oh.

jase: KEEP TRACK

Darn: INORITE?! MY BAD!

jase: INORITEDARN! INORITE!

jase: "But.when.you.get.allflirtyonme.I.don't.know.what.to.do."

Darn: I think he sounds sexy now.

jase: Jesus CHRIST.

Darn: Good lord, what is wrong with me?

jase: ...Pray more.

Darn: What is the actor's name?

jase: James Proudstar, WHAT THE FUCK, Darnell. Seriously though, it is awful that he is like the only major minority character in the setup. Any other non-white characters are the extras.

edit: For anyone who does not yet despise me, it should now be noted that the actor playing Markko is actually Hawaiian, not Native American. His name is Jason Tam, and judging by the pix Darn dug up in his horny Google quest, he actually has a really nice body. This is so Jason Tam will not come beat me up. Thanks.

AN OPEN LETTER TO CAROLYN HINSEY & DAYTIME TELEVISION

Recently, Phil Carey (Asa Buchanan on OLTL) was let go. OLTL revealed that his exit was due to his refusing to go off-contract and recurring, which Phil has always swore never to do. Also, Erika Slezak (Viki) spoke out publicly in her fan newsletter about the sad state of the show.

In the most recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, "It's Only My Opinion" columnist Carolyn Hinsey wrote thus:

It’s Only My Opinion By Carolyn Hinsey

Okay, kids, it’s time for you all to pull your chairs really close to this page so we can have a come to Jesus meeting about soap stars and their contracts.

Soaps are a business. They make their money on advertising, and advertisers only value viewers aged 18-49. It’s stupid and it’s not fair, but it’s a FACT. So, the networks do focus groups made up of fans like you and me, and those fans answer questions about who and what they like and don’t like on their shows. The shows then take some of that information--faulty though it may be---and use it to decide what to pay their people. That’s how business works. The most valuable people make the most money.

As we get older, our faves are all getting older, too. A few have trouble remembering their lines. Some have health problems, ego problems, even the occasional drinking problem. We, the journalists who cover daytime, don’t report even one-tenth of what we know a.)most fans don’t want to read about it and b.) it crosses a line into tabloid journalism that is not our territory. Do you really want to read about the actor who beat up his wife and was served a restraining order on the set in front of all his co-workers? Or would you rather keep liking his character while the show quietly phased him out and then recast the role(which they did)? I thought so.

Remember when Anna Lee (ex-Lila, GH) was dropped to recurring at 91 and there was this huge hue and cry about unfair it was? She was a lovely talented woman, but she was obviously frail. GH was willing to keep her onscreen as her health permitted on a recurring basis. How many people do you know who still have their jobs at 91? I know someone who had to retire at 55 because his company has a mandatory retirement age!

Sometimes when a beloved vet is let go or dropped to recurring its because they have a problem you don’t know about. Or they demanded to keep their 1980s salary, which went the way of rabbitt ears on the TV. Or maybe they simply aren’t up to the job anymore and the show is being kind by dropping their workload to allow them to exit gracefully.

Whatever it is, trust me. If an older actor is pulling their acting weight, scoring high with the focus groups, and not making unreasonable demands, they are going to stick around. But if they are a giant pain making crazy demand and annoying their co-workers and/or directors, they’re gone. That’s why they call it show business.

So, keep watching and loving your faves, and don’t tune out because one or two actors aren’t on as much as you’d like. If you want to change things…try to get in a network focus group!

What follows is my response. Warning: It is fucking long, son.


Dear Ms. Hinsey,


Hello. I'm Jase, and I blog with my writing partner "Darn" at a silly soap blog we call "The Wreck Center." You do not know me, but I feel like I already know far too much about you. You see, I've been reading your "It's Only My Opinion" column in Soap Opera Digest ever since I first started surreptitiously, shamefully sneaking issues of it off the shelf at the supermarket as a junior high schooler to buy and take home with me. That was about ten years ago. Actually, I really don't know if you were in it all the way back then, I can't recall, but I imagine so. You're something of an institution in the magazine, after all. And that's all well and good. Institutions deserve a degree of respect and attention, even if they're as consistently wrong as I usually find you to be. But even though I regularly, joyfully disagree with you, I have never felt compelled to write to you until now. You wrote recently about having a "Come To Jesus" meeting with your readers and through them, the contemporary daytime audience. You explained to us poor, starry-eyed soap fans in very sweet language about how "soaps are a business," and how sometimes, the beloved or elderly veterans, or both, have to go in the name of commerce, budgetary concerns, and the youth demographic, and that if they do go, it's usually because they're not "pulling their weight" (like, say, Anna Lee, who you cited in your article, who was fired at 91 and dead shortly thereafter after the new executive producer broke "General Hospital"'s longstanding promise to her and her family) or are making "unreasonable demands" and are thus no longer of use, but that we should "keep watching and loving [our] faves." I'm sure your unspoken addition to that sentence was "....while you can," but I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt, okay? Okay.

Now, I want you to know first thing: I understand everything you said. I even agree with some of it. Soaps are a business. People do have to go. There is a youth demographic which is, understandably, the primary target of daytime television executives. And what you wrote is, after all, "only [your] opinion." Supposedly, but I have my doubts. But here's the thing, Ms. Hinsey, see, something just hit me like a ton of bricks: For all your long history in the world of daytime media, it turns out that I am a daytime institution too. I know, crazy, right? Not only that, but it turns out that - wait for it - I'm actually a lot more important than you and your opinion. And I'm more important than any of the executives or creative staff at ABC Daytime, be it Brian Frons, or Bob Guza, Jr., or Frank Valentini or Dena Higley. I'm even more important than some of the veteran soap stars who you just might have been obliquely referring to as "unreasonable" or "not pulling their weight," such as Phil Carey or Erika Slezak (Mr. Carey, a recent cancer survivor, was just let go from "One Life to Live" after decades of service for insisting upon his contractual renewal in lieu of "recurring," and Mrs. Slezak just spoke out vociferously on the show's quality, or rather lack thereof, in her fan newsletter) . I'm just plain more important than you and all of them. But it's not just me, right, because so is my blogging partner Darn, and so are most of those obnoxious online posters at Soap Opera Network, and so are most of those shrieking young women in the audience on SoapNet who scream for "old" folks like Hillary B. Smith or line up for Erika Slezak at Super Soap Weekend. Here's why, see: I'm not just the audience. We already know the audience ceases to matter to daytime after they hit 50, or 40 or 35 if we're being honest. No, see, I, and Darn, and all of those others, are all in the 18-49 demographic. Not only that, but Darn and I are both at the very low end of 18-49, namely under 30. Cast your mind back to those halcyon years, Ms. Hinsey, I'm sure you can remember. Which means, as you know, we are gold. We are made of frickin' bling. We live on iPods and cellphones and YouTube and MTV and instant gratification. We're gold to daytime advertisers, we're gold to daytime producers, to daytime executives, to daytime programming heads. If we tuned out or tuned in in a certain way starting next week in record numbers for a long enough time, we could have Steve Burton out on the street doing "Death Of A Salesman" in a Florida dinner theater, like Kevin Kline's character in "Soapdish." In that strictly vicious, corporate sense, we are, then, the only voice or opinion that really matters. Not yours, and not even the voices or opinions of the people behind the scenes at ABC Daytime. Ours. Which brings me to my complaint.

I have been a regular viewer of ABC Daytime since around 1993, hiding it from my friends, clumsily taping it or just staying home sick for unhealthy periods of time. I came into it full-time to watch "All My Children" and Kendall Hart, but at the time the show didn't do it for me so much (it did later) . I stayed, however, for "One Life to Live" and "General Hospital." I was fascinated by characters like Viki, Dorian, Nora, Max, Luna, Todd, Marty, Rebecca; families like the Spencers and the Scorpios, stories like those of Luke and Laura, Bobbie and Tony, Robin and Stone. Later on, I became addicted to the endless foibles of Erica Kane and Tad Martin and Liza Colby, and Dixie and her horrible, horrible hair. God, what bad hair. Now, the fly-by-nighter teens like, say, Bobby and Anita or Joey and Kelly didn't really do it for me; I might've liked them, but except for the rare stars like Susan Haskell, Roger Howarth, or Kim McCullough, my attention was almost always fixed elsewhere, on brilliant older actors and actresses like Tony Geary, Genie Francis, Erika Slezak, Robin Strasser, and Hillary B. Smith. I worship the ground Robin Strasser and Hillary B. Smith walk on, you don't even know. I did even then, and I was only in junior high at the time. Here was Nora, a fortysomething woman with grown children, or a villainous middle-aged dowager like Dorian, and yet they were my single favorite characters on "One Life to Live," which had become my show. Now, what do I have in common with Nora and Dorian? Except Nora's faith, absolutely nothing, including gender (Yes, I am that rare breed soap press and soap executives don't like to talk about: The male fan) . Yet I was entranced by their grit and spirit and forcefulness, or Viki's seemingly effortless grace of character, or Clint and Bo Buchanan's soulful resolve, or Asa Buchanan's steely curmudgeonness.

But more than just these great characters played by great actors, I was entranced by the shows themselves. I don't mean just the concepts or the production values or music or surface things like that, I mean the density of it, the scope, the length, the sheer weight and time spent - the history. I knew going in that soap operas had been on for a long time, and that these shows dated back at least twenty years or more at that time. I knew these characters and these families, the Lords, the Buchanans, the Spencers, the Scorpios, the Quartermaines, had been around for years and years, had gone through so much, had been everywhere and done everything, and that I was just the latest to come into their space and be with them. It was like a whole other universe, cozy and real and warm and full of life, not only when I was there watching but also when I hadn't been, before me. For a child watching, this fictional world was theirs, not just mine at my beck and call, and these people and these families and these towns went on and on. If you were ever that child in the audience, then I bet you know what kind of a comfort the continuing story of a daytime serial can be sometimes. A sense of history is what I kept watching soap operas for, a sense of a rich, long tapestry, something that spooled out beyond my memory and further than my eye could glean, a sense of history and a sense of family. It was because these characters remembered it all and loved each other that I remembered and loved them, too. And I was not the only one.

Here is something that I think you and those in the business of making daytime television already know but often don't acknowledge: Kids do not watch soaps for other kids. Okay? They just don't. They see enough of that around them in everyday life. They deal with it everyday at school. They watch for adults. They watch to see older people doing adult things that are so much adult and serious than kids think they could ever possibly be. I watched for Nora, Dorian, Viki, Luke, Laura, Bobbie, and all the rest. My friend Darn here at The Wreck Center watched Y&R for Jill and Katherine. I watched Nora fight to be with Bo, I watched Viki struggle with Sloan and Clint and her past with Dorian and her father, I watched Dorian defiant on Death Row. We watched for the older people, doing things older people do, and we watched for the families, and we watched for the memories and the history, like the Victor Lord story, that wrapped us in it without asking, sucking us in, making us part of the tapestry, and we didn't complain - we loved it. We still do. We watched for these characters and these things, we stayed for them, and yet here, today, in 2007, we are essentially being told, in deed if not word by the powers that be in daytime television, that even though we are the key demographic, we don't really want to watch these things, this isn't really what's interesting to us, these people don't really matter to us, and we should keep watching these shows even as they turn inside out into some of the worst, most unrecognizable crap I have ever forced myself to sit through. And now, Ms. Hinsey, in your condoning the recent daytime business practices, you're essentially telling us that too - of course, I'm sure it was "only [your] opinion" and Soap Opera Digest has a totally independent editorial stance, right? Right.

It's hard being a fan of "All My Children," "One Life to Live," or "General Hospital" these days, Ms. Hinsey. The older, veteran characters we love so much seem to keep dropping like flies. Edmund Grey got murdered and his killer is now a romantic lead. Dixie died by poison pancake but apparently, it's okay because, hey, look, we have Babe and Krystal! Nobody's ever sick of them! Asa is hitting the bricks on "One Life to Live," just like Max and Gabrielle did, just like Cassie, just like Nora almost did when she went into a magical contract negotiations coma for what felt like ten years. But it really almost doesn't matter if Nora woke up, because she, like Viki, like R.J., like Bobbie or Mac or Robert or Jack Montgomery, like virtually any and all major veterans on ABC Daytime, have practically no story or airtime, or when they do, it's for the most idiotic, shallowly written stories, such as the horrible, character-defying "triangle" with Clint, Dorian, and David on "One Life," during which time the show brainlessly wrote out male god made flesh Tuc Watkins and, apparently realizing their mistake while unwilling to admit it, have been dragging him back ever since as some sort of ridiculous stop-gap measure. Meanwhile, in the place of these beloved characters, we have to entertain constant, dubious new "prospects" like John McBain or Evangeline or Spencer Truman or Tate on OLTL, or Maxie's various doomed boyfriends on GH, or, worst of all, Zarf or Josh the abortion baby on AMC. But it must be hard for the soap press most of all, because you guys have to spend all your time breathlessly reprocessing these new names and faces and ad copy in the pages of your magazines, pretending like they matter, pretending like any of us give a damn, and frankly, we don't, and frankly, you know we don't, because you, Ms. Hinsey, know the facts just like we all do: This is a con job. It's a meat grinder. The ratings are plummeting under this policy of daytime management and production. Fans of all ages are dropping in droves. They're not being replaced by new young fans. They're not being replaced by more of ME. These same useless latest "next big things," these new prospects are all starting to look the same, and none of them ever measure up to what they've taken the place of, and they're all failing and they're all going to continue to fail.

But it's not just the actors or the characters' faults, not at all. New characters are a fact of life on soaps. Change is a fact. Balance is the key. Actors like Alexa Havins or Jeff Branson or Renee Elise Goldsberry are not all that bad. Except the thing is, it's not just them, it's the productions themselves, who have abandoned all sense of balance in the ensemble or on the story canvas. It's the completely incompetent head writers who fail to give these new characters who might sometimes work any dimension or roots or layering, who throw out history and characterization and don't bother to take the time to write thoughtfully. It's the 'yes men' executive producers who spend all their time telling me why Dixie's death was an "emotional journey" or how Alan Quartermaine's passing is "storyline dictated." Okay, you guys can't pay for Genie Francis but Maurice Benard gets another raise while his latest love interest half his age once again fails. Okay, Emmy nominee Dan Gauthier has to go but ratings-killer Michael Easton is priceless. Sure. Whatever. It's not just the shows, either, Ms. Hinsey, it's you too. Because you folks in the soap magazines report it, but that's all you do: Report, and perhaps briefly editorialize, but ultimately, say nothing of actual journalistic value. Or, in your case, Ms. Hinsey, make an unctuous hypocrite of yourself.

In your recent column, you talk about how "some" older performers are refusing to go recurring when they are no longer seen as much as they used to and seem to be saying, essentially, that we can't fault the networks for removing these veterans when they no longer are "valuable" or "reasonable" in the eyes of the show, not necessarily the fans, and that we shouldn't complain if "one or two actors" aren't seen as much as we like. You invoke the name of Anna Lee from "General Hospital" as your example, whose case I've already addressed; she was 91 years old and "obviously frail," you reason, explaining away GH's conduct. And in the case of Phil Carey at "One Life to Live," he refused to go recurring and is now being written out, reportedly without an exit scene, despite playing the Buchanan family patriarch since the late '70s, and that seems to be okay with you. Likewise, ABC pulled a similar stunt a few years ago when John Ingle, the long-running second Edward Quartermaine at GH, left after being offered recurring and not a contract renewal. Now, surely you remember writing in your August 2004 column about how, and I am quoting verbatim from your text, "...I'm sure the GH brass knows full well by now what a colossal mistake it was to drop John Ingle (ex-Edward) to recurring in the arrogant belief that he had nowhere to go." And I sure don't remember you being happy about how GH treated Anna Lee at the time she was let go either, but now you seem to totally understand it! So now, I gotta ask you: Et tu, Carolyn? How was Mr. Ingle's refusal to take recurring so different from Mr. Carey's that you yourself might applaud one veteran's choice and - possibly, remember, we're not naming any names - dismiss another's? What's the difference? Did John Ingle just have the good business sense not to develop life-threatening cancer like Mr. Carey, or lose the use of his legs like his former leading lady? And how did ABC change your mind about what was done to Anna Lee? I'm sure we'd all love to hear this one.

Understand: Your opinion, and it is only yours and the network's, does not matter to me. Not only does it not matter to me, it is also increasingly clear that this perspective and this point of view is inherently flawed as a business model for ABC Daytime and all other daytime programming departments. The ratings bear that out. Audience feedback and turnout bear that out. Don't blame the O.J. trial, because I watched through O.J. Don't blame cable TV, it's been here a while. It's the shows, Ms. Hinsey. It's what's being done to the shows and the people on them, like Phil Carey, like Cady McClain, like Anna Lee, like Stuart Damon, like all the veterans still hanging on who are still being starved out, or as you say, "not being seen as much as you like." It's the shows. My inability to continue watching "All My Children," "General Hospital," and "One Life to Live" after over ten years, after growing up watching these worlds, these families, after immersing myself in these tapestries, bears that out. I can't do it anymore, Ms. Hinsey, because maybe you have the heart for it, but I don't. I can't watch them being hollowed out any longer, every last character, every last bit of heart and soul and memory being slowly scooped out and replaced with more new plastic, two dimensional replacements. I can't even laugh at it that much anymore, and that used to be my business here at "The Wreck Center." This practice is not good business, and furthermore, as a member of the prime 18-49 youth demographic, their struggle to find a reasonable, even-handed business model for their daytime programming is not my problem. But it is ABC Daytime's. Because I am the desired consumer, and so, when I am not happy, somebody pays: Them.

I am the youth demographic and I am not happy. I am the youth demographic and I can't watch anymore, because I hate it, and it's horribly written, and there's no balance in old and new, and I miss the veterans who are apparently too old for me to care about and the better stories which I supposedly shouldn't notice are gone. Now, if I was 40 or 50, if I was some poor woman whose opinion who is just as valid and golden as mine but who had the genetic misfortune of having been watching 1970 or 1965, you and Brian Frons might be telling right now, 'too bad, tough luck, time marches on, get over it, not our problem.' But I'm not 40, or 50, I'm not even 30, so it's not my problem. It's theirs. It's daytime's. And there's a lot of us, not just me, or my friend Darn, there's hundreds, there's thousands, and we're all unhappy, and we're all tuning out, more and more every day, every week, every month. We are unhappy because current daytime management now presumes to know us better than we know ourselves, they presume to know what we really want, that we can be, as Mr. Frons says, "trained" as an audience; they presume to know that these shows can last without their families, their histories, their roots, their tapestries. They're wrong. They don't know. We are the youth demographic, and we have had enough. No more breathless press releases. No more sweet little excuses like "storyline dictated" or "soaps are a business." We're the youth demographic, Ms. Hinsey, so we're more important than you, or Mr. Frons. You work for us, and that includes the soap press. We say what and who we want to watch. We've been saying it for several years now, except you folks seem to be deaf. You produce what we tell you. We'll let you know when we're ready for you to stop. Try starting now, instead of ever writing another cute little piece about how sometimes people we love have to be fired to pay for Miles the dog-faced boy on OLTL or another mob boss on GH.

This sad state of affairs appears to have become some sort of ridiculous power struggle between the existing unhappy daytime viewership and the management, which stubbornly refuses to admit its major mistakes and overall errors in judgement, and believes that we will eventually buckle and give way to some magical new youth viewership who will have no memory of the past. You have made it clear whose side of this debate you're on, Ms. Hinsey, and in doing so, I can only conclude that you and your column are disingenuous at best and fraudulent at worst. You are no longer the voice of the "average fan," speaking with candor and honesty on behalf of a silent majority out there watching from home. You don't speak for me, or the thousands of unhappy people of all ages, colors, and creeds tuning out. You no longer have any right to your column, your position, your status or your byline.

So, in conclusion, lady, it's like this: I'm younger and stronger than you. I appeal more to people ages 18-49. I want your job. Clean out your desk. Your departure is storyline dictated. This is a business.

...But then, It's Only My Opinion.


Sincerely,

Jase of The Wreck Center

OLTL - Jarn vs. Llanview

Jarn, coming atcha once again with our real time observations of today's One Life To Live. It's half as thrilling as it sounds! Read on!

Darn : Look at Natalie, obstructing justice for Pizzaface.

Jase : I call him Krang.

Darn : Why hasn't Melissa Archer moved on?

Jase : Todd, Todd. That's right, Bo, I have no emotions, I can no longer act, look at me.

Jase : This will be the first episode I have watched in like two months.

Darn : Rex has stupid hair.

Jase : Pad the pad the pad the show. Let's talk and talk in circles about obvious things.

Darn : Yeah, Rex, way to be a dumbass. I don't like Rex but he's more clever than this.

Darn : This is exactly how the ended their last scene and their tag yesterday.

Jase : "You picked up the murder weapon." "Did I?" "Well, did you pick it up?" "Did I pick up the murder weapon?" "Yes, did you, because if you did - " "Does that mean I'm in trouble?" "What do you think?" "Yes?" "Yes!" End of scene.

Darn : Round and round we goes.

Jase : Cole: Corbin Fisher model.

Jase : Time for another line about how Marty is just mad because of What Todd Did To Her In College.

Darn : Yep, she's such a grudge holder.

Jase : Another circular scene. "Did you do anything wrong?" "No, we didn't!"

Jase : "You did something totally wrong!" "Did we? No!"

Darn : They say so much yet absolutely nothing.

Jase : This is why I stopped watching, it's all static like this, it all sounds the same, you don't even have to listen.

Darn : I'm sorry but it bugs me that Marty is suddenly Latina.

Darn : Blair did it.

Jase : No.

Darn : Sure, why not?

Jase : I love how Antonio entered all Lionel Ritchie. "HELLO. IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FORRRR."

Darn : "Hi, I'm Paige, I'm COMPLETELY useless!"

Darn : I remember the good old days, when Assholio was the character I hated most on this show.

Jase : The abrupt edgy cut...that they now use at EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Jase : You know it's bad when Antonio is becoming tolerable again.

Jase : Wait, let's predict Blair and Antonio's next scene. "Spencer...Spencer's dead?"

Darn : "Yes, he was murdered, Blair."

Jase : "Murdered? Oh my God!"

Darn : "I know you were unconscious but if there's anything you can tell us about what happened tonight..."

Jase : "And you...you think I...you think I know who...who did it?"

Darn : "We just need a timeline, an idea of what happened and we need to get it while it's still fresh in your mind."

Jase : "A timeline? A timeline of what happened?"

Darn : "Yes, we need you to help us figured out what happened, an idea of what occured earlier today."

Jase : "Of what happened?" Antonio: "Yes, Blair, do you know what happened?"

Jase : That's how you get dressed for work, ponytail.

Darn : Ponytail and tits out.

Jase : THERE YOU GO!

Jase : I told you there would be another line about Marty and Todd.

Darn : Paige reminds me of a retired porn star.

Jase : Haha, she does look like Ginger Lynn Allen.

Jase : Close, though, she WAS on Texas.

Jase : CIRCULAR DIALOGUE. "No, I am not kidding you."

Darn : I like how Trevor St. John just doesn't show up for work.

Jase : Seriously.

Jase : More Rex and Bo. "But you picked up the murder weapon!"

Darn : OMG, Bo and Rex are gonna have the same scene all day.

Jase : "So you picked up the murder weapon."

Darn : "You need a lawyer!" "I didn't do it!" "You need counsel!" "I didn't kill him!" "You need an attorney!" "I didn't kill Spencer!" "You need someone with a law degree!"

Jase : "I know you didn't kill Spencer Truman, but let's still have a long conversation about how you obviously did!"

Jase : What the FUCK is Marcie wearing.

Jase : Marcie, don't try to breastfeed that baby.

Darn : First of all, you have no milk.

Jase : Roxy's gay bordello.

Darn : Okay, that made me laugh.

Jase : Why do they still live here with their child.

Darn : Is this a hotel?

Darn : Who are they hiding John from?

Jase : It's Nigel and Roxy's "Bachelor Hotel" slash apartment building, Michael and Marcie and John and Natalie all live there.

Jase : It's like a fucking slum.

Darn : Why is Michael Easton still here, doing nothing?

Jase : I think John is a suspect in the Spencer blah blah.

Darn : Bachelor Hotel? Bath house?

Jase : Yeah, exactly.

Jase : It is the ugliest fucking set.

Jase : John loping up the stairs like a goddamn hunchback.

Jase : Marcie has lube on the dresser.

Darn : John, Elephant Man.

Jase : Haha, I'm Todd, no matter what's going on I am still going to grin and chuckle!

Jase : He has gone so off the rails. He treats EVERYTHING casual now.

Darn : BO AND REX, BRAND NEW MATERIAL!

Jase : Bo and Rex: Covering Each Other's Backs. With oil.

Jase : Was that a sentence?

Jase : THIS IS SO STUPID.

Jase : "We all know I didn't do it and it can quickly be obviously proven I did not, and I have no idea who did, but arrest me."

Jase : Detective Eighthead has spoken.

Darn : I swear, she's Margaret's sister.

Darn : SHE SAID DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

Jase : Oh God no, Spencer's jacket was doublebreasted.

Darn : All of these slams to black.

Jase : IT'S INTENSE AND EDGY.

Darn : OLTL is not Lost.

Jase : YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THE KIDS LOVE THAT.

Darn : IT MAKES ME SO EXCIIIITED FOR THE NEXT SCENE!

Jase : OMFGZ I AM TXTING ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THAT SCENE!!!

Darn : LOLZ!

Jase : I WANT TO BLINK BUT I AM AFRAID THE SHOW WILL COME BACK!

Jase : HELP ME DARNELL, HELP ME BLINK!

Jase : UNNH UNNH!

Darn : MOISTURIZE YOUR SITUATION!

Jase : WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT GAY?!

Darn : THAT'S NOT GAY, THAT DIDDY!

Jase : DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S IDENTITY THEFT, THEY STOLE CLAY'S IDENTITY AND THEN WENT LOOKING FOR MEN WITH HIS PICTURE!

Darn : Okay, maybe it's a little gay.

Darn : CLAY IS STRAIGHT, HIS DICK IS ALWAYS IN A VAGINA!

Darn : HE JUST DOESN'T ADVERTISE IT, HE HAS RESPECT FOR HIS WOMENS!

Jase : I BET IT'S IN ONE RIGHT NOW!

Jase : Oh, I love these Barilla ads.

Jase : OOOHHH OOOOOHHH PASTAAAA

Darn : AND I BET SHE'S IN XXXTASY!

Darn : XXXTASCY!

Jase : Nice.

Jase : Watch, I guarantee you, at the end of the show, Antonio will finally get around to asking Blair if she saw who killed Spencer.

Darn : And that'll be the tag.

Jase : STOOPID NATALIE, CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, HAHA STOOPID

Jase : I hate you, Higley.

Darn : Has anything happened today?

Darn : What is she looking at?

Jase : I don't even know. Fibers.

Darn : To keep him regular.

Jase : Michael is angry because Marcie isn't allowed to leave the apartment.

Jase : "Do you have any idea how bad this looks for you, Balsom?"

Darn : This scene has been going on forever.

Jase : "Please take me down to the station and hold me over, Bo."

Jase : "I know you mean well, Rex." "I am just a bad boy trying to be good."

Jase : He forgot to ask why he was holding those scissors again.

Jase : "Thanks for the information, Starr, time to grin again!"

Jase : Fucking Todd.

Jase : "It's a lark, this show is a lark, haha, good times, alright, seriously, seriously, I'm, I'm being real, yeah, heh, is, heh, is Blair okay?"

Darn : Todd: Gotta dance! Gooootta dance! Gotta daaaaaaance!

Darn : jazz hands!

Darn : Cause he's so fucking joyous all the time.

Jase : OMFG COLE SAID HE IS GLAD SPENCER IS DEAD!

Jase : THAT DEFINITELY WARRANTS A SHOCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Darn : O M G SLAM CUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

Jase : WILL MARTY TELL HIM NOT TO SAY IT AGAIN, AGAIN?

Jase : I CAN'T BREATHE! I CANT BR -- I

Darn : OH NOES WILL BO ARREST REX?!

Jase : ACK

Jase : NEED PAPER BAG

Jase : PAPER BAG

Jase : ASPHYXIATING

Jase : hlpm

Jase : HOCK

Jase : OKAY.

Darn : I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS OMG COLE IS SOOOO CUTE

Darn : I THINK HE REALLY IS HAPPY ABOUT SPENCER BEING DEAD BUT HE'S SO CUUUTE!

Jase : This episode has all the nailbiting tension of a Cosby Show family ruse on Theo.

Jase : All they need to do is bring in Clair to sew this shit up, it's done.

Darn : Oooh, can I play Cockroach?

Jase : Rex will NEVAH go to see Big Fun again.

Jase : Er, The Wreckage.

Jase : FOR Big Fun.

Jase : Michael, buy your family a goddamn house.

Jase : All your neighbors are clubhopping sodomites!

Jase : Well, I am a sodomite but I don't clubhop.

Darn : They're gonna gay your son.

Darn : He's gonna be gayed right in the gay.

Jase : "I won't ask you if you killed him, John, just assume you will, and talk about it in veiled terms that are not necessary if we are alone together."

Jase : "I agree, Mike, let's do it."

Jase : "I gotta go home...down the hall."

Darn : "It's all over." "Yeah, it's ALL over." "This will be different now." "Forever" "Definitely different forever." "Never the same." "Ever".

Jase : "But how will it ever be the same, John?"

Darn : What did Michael do exactly except get your Klingon ass home?

Jase : WHY would Paige ask this question?

Darn : WTF does Paige know about court?

Jase : Please, you established Blair was lucid at 2:05!

Darn : Didn't Paige say it was okay to ask questions earlier in theie scenes?

Jase : "Can I grin now?"

Darn : SERIOUSLY!

Jase : There Todd goes again. "Did he rape Blair, Paige? Ha!"

Darn : Only the cool cops wear their badges around their necks.

Jase : Repeat all the family connections, Rex, I forgot them.

Jase : THIS IS THE SAME DIALOGUE AGAIN!

Jase : OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Darn : Rex: I'm dirty, Bo. Make me clean. Make me feel goood, I wanna feel good, Bo.

Jase : BO YOU HAVE ASKED THIS EIGHT TIMES IN THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES!

Darn : 50 minutes of this show, the SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND RESPONSES.

Jase : "WHY WERE YOU HOLDING THOSE SCISSORS?!"

Jase : "I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD FOR ME BO!"

Jase : "IT LOOKS SO BAD FOR YOU!"

Darn : Why is Natalie allowed to hover over the body?

Jase : Eighthead will have to shoot that cop for failure.

Jase : Natalie hides the evidence inside her tits.

Darn : No, trainees don't show up announced because they would get kicked the fuck out.

Jase : "I always like to take matters into my own hands. I am Matter-Eater...Lass."

Jase : I predict that Bo will again ask Rex about what he was doing there with the scissors.

Jase : Rex answered him fifteen minutes ago.

Darn : I predict Rex will not explain himself and instead ask to be arrested.

Jase : I predict that Bo will throw up his hands and be forced to arrest Rex.

Jase : It's like we know the future.

Jase : What can we do with the burden of this godlike power?

Darn : I predict they will proceed to have violent yet consensual buttsex.

Darn : My visions are hazy.

Jase : Yes, that comes next week, you see, they spend the rest of the week asking each other if they're ready to do it.

Darn : Friday: Bo asks Rex if they should use a condom.

Jase : Monday: Rex is willing to be fucked raw by Bo's braut.

Darn : March: Rex isn't sure about the condom.

Jase : May: Bo penetrates Rex but pulls out at the first sign of pain.

Jase : September: Bo tries again.

Darn : June '08: Bo and Rex decide that two thrusts is plenty.

Jase : November: Blair remembers that she was in the room when Spencer died.

Jase : Todd comes off like he is on the chronic. I'm just saying.

Darn : December : Paige reminds Antonio that he can question Blair.

Jase : "Haha, it's funny, Starr!"

Jase : NO SHE SAID SHE DID NOT KNOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Jase : IT WAS CLEAR BLAIR DID NOT KNOW AT 2:10.

Darn : Oh, god, we finally got an answer. It only took 60 minutes.

Jase : YES, WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM DOWN TO THE STATION!

Jase : YOU'VE ONLY SAID IT EIGHTEEN TIMES!

Darn : "I know that you know."

Jase : It's like Rain Man wrote the show.

Darn : THEY CAN HEAR US JASON!

Jase : "I am gonna wring your neck. And then your asshole."

Darn : Wow, they took all damn day to get to that point.

Darn : Michael is Clark Kent.

Jase : How can people write like this? Seriously, we tried working off breakdowns once and we were able to do it better than that.

Jase : How can people write scenes like this and be like, "well, mission accomplished."

Darn : Much, it wasn't all ring around the collar.

Darn : The rosie, whatever.

Jase : Sleeping together, Marcie, without you, that's what John and I will be doing.

Darn : I thought he was gonna say "I have a feeling that John and I are gonna be sleeping togther."

Darn : LIKE DAT!

Jase : Natalie returns home to her incredibly nasty, unattractive, emotionally cold man.

Darn : John looks like refried shit.

Jase : He looks so fucking awful and acts so horrible and yet they still treat him like HRO OF SHOW.

Darn : He's like if Wolverine went on a crack binge.

Jase : Natalie's face screams "my marriage to Anthony Quinn, meth addict."

Darn : IS SHE KEEPING THE EVIDENCE?

Jase : She took his pubes from the crime scene!

Darn : John just had to masturbate on Spencer, to prove his dominence.

Darn : Oh, thank God, it's over.

Jase : Jesus that was awful.

Jase : I ain't coming back.

Jase : Well, maybe for a few more of those with you, but other than that.

Darn : That was like watching one segment on a loop.

Darn : Nothing happened. Nothing.

Jase : I'm saying, that's why I left, you didn't have to pay attention to the show to know the dialogue.

Jase : It's just, how can they do scenes like that, and be like, "well, I believe I performed my duty as a dialogue writer to the best of my ability and that this was a gripping hour of daytime television."

Darn : That's my question to ALL of daytime.

Jase : You know what, I understand the nature of soaps and all that, and you have to constantly refeed certain exposition and points and stagger out the scenes in accordance with a daily serial, but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE AMATEURISH.

Jase : That was amateurish. It was just, it's been like this for at least a year, it's so glaringly amateurish and repetitive and scenes go on and on and say the same things five different ways, and the viewer ALWAYS knows where it will end up.

Jase : I shouldn't KNOW where it will end up.

Darn : Seriously.

Darn : And even if you DO know the journey should be worth it.

Jase : I knew when I turned it on that Blair and Antonio would not be done talking by the end of the hour.

Jase : Just sad.