Showing posts with label General Hospital. Show all posts
Showing posts with label General Hospital. Show all posts

Aug 15, 2007

ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke


Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.


Jul 29, 2007

Y&R - Boywhat?

So jase got this comment on one of his entries:

Please spread the word on the Y&R botcott that is happening on the week of August 20th.

Here are the official details:

GET THE WORD OUT- THERE WILL BE A WEEK-LONG BOYCOTT OF "THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS BEGINNING AUGUST 20TH
TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO WATCHES Y&R TO WATCH General Hospital that week.
It's not enough that we not watch YR that week. We, must endorse another soap in order to overtake YR that week in the ratings. GH is the easiest, non-CBS soap to accomplish this task because it's the highest rated show on ABC.
It's only one week that could send a powerful message to LML and TPTB at CBS Daytime.

I'm sorry, but jigga what? I haven't watched Y&R in months, true, but have you seen GH? I appreciate the sentiment, for realz yo but again, have you SEEN GH? It's like trading in botulism for leprosy, it's all bad.

I don't mean to be an ass, I'm all for knocking some sense into those people but really, watching GH is not gonna help anybody but GH. Caterwauling banshee Carly, whorey Liz (you're more worried over that punkass bitch Jason than your own husband? Ugh, shut up.) and Sonny and that lady dropped in from some sad second-rate romcom (even though the actress is well-talented, the whole story is trite and treated indifferently, much like Sonny! Perfection!)? No, thanks, mofo.

While I appreciate the sentiment and goal I can't support the boycott. I think simply not watching the show would help things a bit more.

Jul 7, 2007

Live Earth, or "If I Ran The Soaps..."


...So I'm not doing my final Y&R and GL posts like I should be right now, because I'm watching Live Earth all day. Just like with Live 8, I love to watch the more obscure foreign concerts in Tokyo, Brazil, Shanghai, Hamburg, etc. with acts I've never heard of that are so exotic and interesting. Toni Collette and her band were amazing in Sydney. And frankly, it beats Madonna embarrassing herself and the entire venture with her gypsy act at Wembley. Oh my God. Did you see that? It was like Inland Empire.

But the reason I bring this up here is because I needed to rehash my tired old rant that anyone who knows me knows by heart: If I ran a soap, you wouldn't need a lame prefab teen scene story this summer. Why? Because I'd just take it to Live Earth. In the story, have the kids go to Live Earth. Didn't DOOL do this in a retarded way with the Stones a couple years ago? Well, nevermind. I'm just saying. Don't spend all that fucking money on musical numbers and guest acts and choreography and songwriters. Just take a few light and easy to move with cameras to several different venues, take the young actors necessary, split the kids up at different venues, including the more obscure ones, say, one at Hamburg and Tokyo or Brazil along with two at New York and London, structure a very loose series of plot beats around the concerts, and have them communicate by their phones, showing each other - and through them, the audience - what is going on around the world at these different concerts. Run a promotional tie-in on the network website with Live Earth and a phone provider; "follow Starr and Matthew (or whoever) and the gang on their phones as they travel the globe with Live Earth." And then, in the local area, so as not to disrupt the concert, pretape most of the story material with the kids in a block, like they did with the Hawaii remote on OLTL a few years ago. Break the scenes up and string it out throughout the concert footage.

Yeah, Live Earth or any other similar global concert would probably never allow it, and they'd probably be right not to. But honestly I think it would work and be - relatively, of course I probably have no idea what I'm talking about - cheap. A few cameras, a few kids, mostly pretaped footage, and just let the concerts guide it. So you get a fun teen story, but more importantly, you can teach The Kids At Home something by watching this stuff, as well as exposing them to all sorts of music around the world they've never heard. I don't understand why TPTB spend such stuff trying to "stay on the pulse of youth" and don't think of something so simple.

...So anyway, I have been gone. Long week. I am making up for it with an extra-big Y&R post that covers most of this week, as well as an extended GL one. l8rs. Phil Collins is trying to be hardcore in London, I gotta watch that.

Apr 16, 2007

AN OPEN LETTER TO CAROLYN HINSEY & DAYTIME TELEVISION


Recently, Phil Carey (Asa Buchanan on OLTL) was let go. OLTL revealed that his exit was due to his refusing to go off-contract and recurring, which Phil has always swore never to do. Also, Erika Slezak (Viki) spoke out publicly in her fan newsletter about the sad state of the show.

In the most recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, "It's Only My Opinion" columnist Carolyn Hinsey wrote thus:


It’s Only My Opinion By Carolyn Hinsey

Okay, kids, it’s time for you all to pull your chairs really close to this page so we can have a come to Jesus meeting about soap stars and their contracts.

Soaps are a business. They make their money on advertising, and advertisers only value viewers aged 18-49. It’s stupid and it’s not fair, but it’s a FACT. So, the networks do focus groups made up of fans like you and me, and those fans answer questions about who and what they like and don’t like on their shows. The shows then take some of that information--faulty though it may be---and use it to decide what to pay their people. That’s how business works. The most valuable people make the most money.

As we get older, our faves are all getting older, too. A few have trouble remembering their lines. Some have health problems, ego problems, even the occasional drinking problem. We, the journalists who cover daytime, don’t report even one-tenth of what we know a.)most fans don’t want to read about it and b.) it crosses a line into tabloid journalism that is not our territory. Do you really want to read about the actor who beat up his wife and was served a restraining order on the set in front of all his co-workers? Or would you rather keep liking his character while the show quietly phased him out and then recast the role(which they did)? I thought so.

Remember when Anna Lee (ex-Lila, GH) was dropped to recurring at 91 and there was this huge hue and cry about unfair it was? She was a lovely talented woman, but she was obviously frail. GH was willing to keep her onscreen as her health permitted on a recurring basis. How many people do you know who still have their jobs at 91? I know someone who had to retire at 55 because his company has a mandatory retirement age!

Sometimes when a beloved vet is let go or dropped to recurring its because they have a problem you don’t know about. Or they demanded to keep their 1980s salary, which went the way of rabbitt ears on the TV. Or maybe they simply aren’t up to the job anymore and the show is being kind by dropping their workload to allow them to exit gracefully.

Whatever it is, trust me. If an older actor is pulling their acting weight, scoring high with the focus groups, and not making unreasonable demands, they are going to stick around. But if they are a giant pain making crazy demand and annoying their co-workers and/or directors, they’re gone. That’s why they call it show business.

So, keep watching and loving your faves, and don’t tune out because one or two actors aren’t on as much as you’d like. If you want to change things…try to get in a network focus group!




What follows is my response. Warning: It is fucking long, son.


Dear Ms. Hinsey,


Hello. I'm Jase, and I blog with my writing partner "Darn" at a silly soap blog we call "The Wreck Center." You do not know me, but I feel like I already know far too much about you. You see, I've been reading your "It's Only My Opinion" column in Soap Opera Digest ever since I first started surreptitiously, shamefully sneaking issues of it off the shelf at the supermarket as a junior high schooler to buy and take home with me. That was about ten years ago. Actually, I really don't know if you were in it all the way back then, I can't recall, but I imagine so. You're something of an institution in the magazine, after all. And that's all well and good. Institutions deserve a degree of respect and attention, even if they're as consistently wrong as I usually find you to be. But even though I regularly, joyfully disagree with you, I have never felt compelled to write to you until now. You wrote recently about having a "Come To Jesus" meeting with your readers and through them, the contemporary daytime audience. You explained to us poor, starry-eyed soap fans in very sweet language about how "soaps are a business," and how sometimes, the beloved or elderly veterans, or both, have to go in the name of commerce, budgetary concerns, and the youth demographic, and that if they do go, it's usually because they're not "pulling their weight" (like, say, Anna Lee, who you cited in your article, who was fired at 91 and dead shortly thereafter after the new executive producer broke "General Hospital"'s longstanding promise to her and her family) or are making "unreasonable demands" and are thus no longer of use, but that we should "keep watching and loving [our] faves." I'm sure your unspoken addition to that sentence was "....while you can," but I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt, okay? Okay.

Now, I want you to know first thing: I understand everything you said. I even agree with some of it. Soaps are a business. People do have to go. There is a youth demographic which is, understandably, the primary target of daytime television executives. And what you wrote is, after all, "only [your] opinion." Supposedly, but I have my doubts. But here's the thing, Ms. Hinsey, see, something just hit me like a ton of bricks: For all your long history in the world of daytime media, it turns out that I am a daytime institution too. I know, crazy, right? Not only that, but it turns out that - wait for it - I'm actually a lot more important than you and your opinion. And I'm more important than any of the executives or creative staff at ABC Daytime, be it Brian Frons, or Bob Guza, Jr., or Frank Valentini or Dena Higley. I'm even more important than some of the veteran soap stars who you just might have been obliquely referring to as "unreasonable" or "not pulling their weight," such as Phil Carey or Erika Slezak (Mr. Carey, a recent cancer survivor, was just let go from "One Life to Live" after decades of service for insisting upon his contractual renewal in lieu of "recurring," and Mrs. Slezak just spoke out vociferously on the show's quality, or rather lack thereof, in her fan newsletter) . I'm just plain more important than you and all of them. But it's not just me, right, because so is my blogging partner Darn, and so are most of those obnoxious online posters at Soap Opera Network, and so are most of those shrieking young women in the audience on SoapNet who scream for "old" folks like Hillary B. Smith or line up for Erika Slezak at Super Soap Weekend. Here's why, see: I'm not just the audience. We already know the audience ceases to matter to daytime after they hit 50, or 40 or 35 if we're being honest. No, see, I, and Darn, and all of those others, are all in the 18-49 demographic. Not only that, but Darn and I are both at the very low end of 18-49, namely under 30. Cast your mind back to those halcyon years, Ms. Hinsey, I'm sure you can remember. Which means, as you know, we are gold. We are made of frickin' bling. We live on iPods and cellphones and YouTube and MTV and instant gratification. We're gold to daytime advertisers, we're gold to daytime producers, to daytime executives, to daytime programming heads. If we tuned out or tuned in in a certain way starting next week in record numbers for a long enough time, we could have Steve Burton out on the street doing "Death Of A Salesman" in a Florida dinner theater, like Kevin Kline's character in "Soapdish." In that strictly vicious, corporate sense, we are, then, the only voice or opinion that really matters. Not yours, and not even the voices or opinions of the people behind the scenes at ABC Daytime. Ours. Which brings me to my complaint.

I have been a regular viewer of ABC Daytime since around 1993, hiding it from my friends, clumsily taping it or just staying home sick for unhealthy periods of time. I came into it full-time to watch "All My Children" and Kendall Hart, but at the time the show didn't do it for me so much (it did later) . I stayed, however, for "One Life to Live" and "General Hospital." I was fascinated by characters like Viki, Dorian, Nora, Max, Luna, Todd, Marty, Rebecca; families like the Spencers and the Scorpios, stories like those of Luke and Laura, Bobbie and Tony, Robin and Stone. Later on, I became addicted to the endless foibles of Erica Kane and Tad Martin and Liza Colby, and Dixie and her horrible, horrible hair. God, what bad hair. Now, the fly-by-nighter teens like, say, Bobby and Anita or Joey and Kelly didn't really do it for me; I might've liked them, but except for the rare stars like Susan Haskell, Roger Howarth, or Kim McCullough, my attention was almost always fixed elsewhere, on brilliant older actors and actresses like Tony Geary, Genie Francis, Erika Slezak, Robin Strasser, and Hillary B. Smith. I worship the ground Robin Strasser and Hillary B. Smith walk on, you don't even know. I did even then, and I was only in junior high at the time. Here was Nora, a fortysomething woman with grown children, or a villainous middle-aged dowager like Dorian, and yet they were my single favorite characters on "One Life to Live," which had become my show. Now, what do I have in common with Nora and Dorian? Except Nora's faith, absolutely nothing, including gender (Yes, I am that rare breed soap press and soap executives don't like to talk about: The male fan) . Yet I was entranced by their grit and spirit and forcefulness, or Viki's seemingly effortless grace of character, or Clint and Bo Buchanan's soulful resolve, or Asa Buchanan's steely curmudgeonness.

But more than just these great characters played by great actors, I was entranced by the shows themselves. I don't mean just the concepts or the production values or music or surface things like that, I mean the density of it, the scope, the length, the sheer weight and time spent - the history. I knew going in that soap operas had been on for a long time, and that these shows dated back at least twenty years or more at that time. I knew these characters and these families, the Lords, the Buchanans, the Spencers, the Scorpios, the Quartermaines, had been around for years and years, had gone through so much, had been everywhere and done everything, and that I was just the latest to come into their space and be with them. It was like a whole other universe, cozy and real and warm and full of life, not only when I was there watching but also when I hadn't been, before me. For a child watching, this fictional world was theirs, not just mine at my beck and call, and these people and these families and these towns went on and on. If you were ever that child in the audience, then I bet you know what kind of a comfort the continuing story of a daytime serial can be sometimes. A sense of history is what I kept watching soap operas for, a sense of a rich, long tapestry, something that spooled out beyond my memory and further than my eye could glean, a sense of history and a sense of family. It was because these characters remembered it all and loved each other that I remembered and loved them, too. And I was not the only one.

Here is something that I think you and those in the business of making daytime television already know but often don't acknowledge: Kids do not watch soaps for other kids. Okay? They just don't. They see enough of that around them in everyday life. They deal with it everyday at school. They watch for adults. They watch to see older people doing adult things that are so much adult and serious than kids think they could ever possibly be. I watched for Nora, Dorian, Viki, Luke, Laura, Bobbie, and all the rest. My friend Darn here at The Wreck Center watched Y&R for Jill and Katherine. I watched Nora fight to be with Bo, I watched Viki struggle with Sloan and Clint and her past with Dorian and her father, I watched Dorian defiant on Death Row. We watched for the older people, doing things older people do, and we watched for the families, and we watched for the memories and the history, like the Victor Lord story, that wrapped us in it without asking, sucking us in, making us part of the tapestry, and we didn't complain - we loved it. We still do. We watched for these characters and these things, we stayed for them, and yet here, today, in 2007, we are essentially being told, in deed if not word by the powers that be in daytime television, that even though we are the key demographic, we don't really want to watch these things, this isn't really what's interesting to us, these people don't really matter to us, and we should keep watching these shows even as they turn inside out into some of the worst, most unrecognizable crap I have ever forced myself to sit through. And now, Ms. Hinsey, in your condoning the recent daytime business practices, you're essentially telling us that too - of course, I'm sure it was "only [your] opinion" and Soap Opera Digest has a totally independent editorial stance, right? Right.

It's hard being a fan of "All My Children," "One Life to Live," or "General Hospital" these days, Ms. Hinsey. The older, veteran characters we love so much seem to keep dropping like flies. Edmund Grey got murdered and his killer is now a romantic lead. Dixie died by poison pancake but apparently, it's okay because, hey, look, we have Babe and Krystal! Nobody's ever sick of them! Asa is hitting the bricks on "One Life to Live," just like Max and Gabrielle did, just like Cassie, just like Nora almost did when she went into a magical contract negotiations coma for what felt like ten years. But it really almost doesn't matter if Nora woke up, because she, like Viki, like R.J., like Bobbie or Mac or Robert or Jack Montgomery, like virtually any and all major veterans on ABC Daytime, have practically no story or airtime, or when they do, it's for the most idiotic, shallowly written stories, such as the horrible, character-defying "triangle" with Clint, Dorian, and David on "One Life," during which time the show brainlessly wrote out male god made flesh Tuc Watkins and, apparently realizing their mistake while unwilling to admit it, have been dragging him back ever since as some sort of ridiculous stop-gap measure. Meanwhile, in the place of these beloved characters, we have to entertain constant, dubious new "prospects" like John McBain or Evangeline or Spencer Truman or Tate on OLTL, or Maxie's various doomed boyfriends on GH, or, worst of all, Zarf or Josh the abortion baby on AMC. But it must be hard for the soap press most of all, because you guys have to spend all your time breathlessly reprocessing these new names and faces and ad copy in the pages of your magazines, pretending like they matter, pretending like any of us give a damn, and frankly, we don't, and frankly, you know we don't, because you, Ms. Hinsey, know the facts just like we all do: This is a con job. It's a meat grinder. The ratings are plummeting under this policy of daytime management and production. Fans of all ages are dropping in droves. They're not being replaced by new young fans. They're not being replaced by more of ME. These same useless latest "next big things," these new prospects are all starting to look the same, and none of them ever measure up to what they've taken the place of, and they're all failing and they're all going to continue to fail.

But it's not just the actors or the characters' faults, not at all. New characters are a fact of life on soaps. Change is a fact. Balance is the key. Actors like Alexa Havins or Jeff Branson or Renee Elise Goldsberry are not all that bad. Except the thing is, it's not just them, it's the productions themselves, who have abandoned all sense of balance in the ensemble or on the story canvas. It's the completely incompetent head writers who fail to give these new characters who might sometimes work any dimension or roots or layering, who throw out history and characterization and don't bother to take the time to write thoughtfully. It's the 'yes men' executive producers who spend all their time telling me why Dixie's death was an "emotional journey" or how Alan Quartermaine's passing is "storyline dictated." Okay, you guys can't pay for Genie Francis but Maurice Benard gets another raise while his latest love interest half his age once again fails. Okay, Emmy nominee Dan Gauthier has to go but ratings-killer Michael Easton is priceless. Sure. Whatever. It's not just the shows, either, Ms. Hinsey, it's you too. Because you folks in the soap magazines report it, but that's all you do: Report, and perhaps briefly editorialize, but ultimately, say nothing of actual journalistic value. Or, in your case, Ms. Hinsey, make an unctuous hypocrite of yourself.

In your recent column, you talk about how "some" older performers are refusing to go recurring when they are no longer seen as much as they used to and seem to be saying, essentially, that we can't fault the networks for removing these veterans when they no longer are "valuable" or "reasonable" in the eyes of the show, not necessarily the fans, and that we shouldn't complain if "one or two actors" aren't seen as much as we like. You invoke the name of Anna Lee from "General Hospital" as your example, whose case I've already addressed; she was 91 years old and "obviously frail," you reason, explaining away GH's conduct. And in the case of Phil Carey at "One Life to Live," he refused to go recurring and is now being written out, reportedly without an exit scene, despite playing the Buchanan family patriarch since the late '70s, and that seems to be okay with you. Likewise, ABC pulled a similar stunt a few years ago when John Ingle, the long-running second Edward Quartermaine at GH, left after being offered recurring and not a contract renewal. Now, surely you remember writing in your August 2004 column about how, and I am quoting verbatim from your text, "...I'm sure the GH brass knows full well by now what a colossal mistake it was to drop John Ingle (ex-Edward) to recurring in the arrogant belief that he had nowhere to go." And I sure don't remember you being happy about how GH treated Anna Lee at the time she was let go either, but now you seem to totally understand it! So now, I gotta ask you: Et tu, Carolyn? How was Mr. Ingle's refusal to take recurring so different from Mr. Carey's that you yourself might applaud one veteran's choice and - possibly, remember, we're not naming any names - dismiss another's? What's the difference? Did John Ingle just have the good business sense not to develop life-threatening cancer like Mr. Carey, or lose the use of his legs like his former leading lady? And how did ABC change your mind about what was done to Anna Lee? I'm sure we'd all love to hear this one.

Understand: Your opinion, and it is only yours and the network's, does not matter to me. Not only does it not matter to me, it is also increasingly clear that this perspective and this point of view is inherently flawed as a business model for ABC Daytime and all other daytime programming departments. The ratings bear that out. Audience feedback and turnout bear that out. Don't blame the O.J. trial, because I watched through O.J. Don't blame cable TV, it's been here a while. It's the shows, Ms. Hinsey. It's what's being done to the shows and the people on them, like Phil Carey, like Cady McClain, like Anna Lee, like Stuart Damon, like all the veterans still hanging on who are still being starved out, or as you say, "not being seen as much as you like." It's the shows. My inability to continue watching "All My Children," "General Hospital," and "One Life to Live" after over ten years, after growing up watching these worlds, these families, after immersing myself in these tapestries, bears that out. I can't do it anymore, Ms. Hinsey, because maybe you have the heart for it, but I don't. I can't watch them being hollowed out any longer, every last character, every last bit of heart and soul and memory being slowly scooped out and replaced with more new plastic, two dimensional replacements. I can't even laugh at it that much anymore, and that used to be my business here at "The Wreck Center." This practice is not good business, and furthermore, as a member of the prime 18-49 youth demographic, their struggle to find a reasonable, even-handed business model for their daytime programming is not my problem. But it is ABC Daytime's. Because I am the desired consumer, and so, when I am not happy, somebody pays: Them.

I am the youth demographic and I am not happy. I am the youth demographic and I can't watch anymore, because I hate it, and it's horribly written, and there's no balance in old and new, and I miss the veterans who are apparently too old for me to care about and the better stories which I supposedly shouldn't notice are gone. Now, if I was 40 or 50, if I was some poor woman whose opinion who is just as valid and golden as mine but who had the genetic misfortune of having been watching 1970 or 1965, you and Brian Frons might be telling right now, 'too bad, tough luck, time marches on, get over it, not our problem.' But I'm not 40, or 50, I'm not even 30, so it's not my problem. It's theirs. It's daytime's. And there's a lot of us, not just me, or my friend Darn, there's hundreds, there's thousands, and we're all unhappy, and we're all tuning out, more and more every day, every week, every month. We are unhappy because current daytime management now presumes to know us better than we know ourselves, they presume to know what we really want, that we can be, as Mr. Frons says, "trained" as an audience; they presume to know that these shows can last without their families, their histories, their roots, their tapestries. They're wrong. They don't know. We are the youth demographic, and we have had enough. No more breathless press releases. No more sweet little excuses like "storyline dictated" or "soaps are a business." We're the youth demographic, Ms. Hinsey, so we're more important than you, or Mr. Frons. You work for us, and that includes the soap press. We say what and who we want to watch. We've been saying it for several years now, except you folks seem to be deaf. You produce what we tell you. We'll let you know when we're ready for you to stop. Try starting now, instead of ever writing another cute little piece about how sometimes people we love have to be fired to pay for Miles the dog-faced boy on OLTL or another mob boss on GH.

This sad state of affairs appears to have become some sort of ridiculous power struggle between the existing unhappy daytime viewership and the management, which stubbornly refuses to admit its major mistakes and overall errors in judgement, and believes that we will eventually buckle and give way to some magical new youth viewership who will have no memory of the past. You have made it clear whose side of this debate you're on, Ms. Hinsey, and in doing so, I can only conclude that you and your column are disingenuous at best and fraudulent at worst. You are no longer the voice of the "average fan," speaking with candor and honesty on behalf of a silent majority out there watching from home. You don't speak for me, or the thousands of unhappy people of all ages, colors, and creeds tuning out. You no longer have any right to your column, your position, your status or your byline.

So, in conclusion, lady, it's like this: I'm younger and stronger than you. I appeal more to people ages 18-49. I want your job. Clean out your desk. Your departure is storyline dictated. This is a business.

...But then, It's Only My Opinion.


Sincerely,

Jase of The Wreck Center


Nov 13, 2006

GH - Monday - IT'S AN INTERNET WAR YALLS

OMG Alcazar and Ric have taken over the Internets! Sonny and Jason and their black friend have to stop them!!111oneONEpublicenemyONE What a load of shit. I'm sure Jason and Sonny are all over that sophisticated programming language.

10 PRINT "General Hospital";
20 INPUT "Is Genie Francis on today?"; A
30 IF (A="Y") THEN GOTO 80
40 IF (A="N") THEN GOTO 90
50 INPUT "jason says killric"
Syntax error.
60 INPUT "kjill alczare"
Syntax error.
70 INPUT "shootalzacar"
80 RUN
90 SHOW SUCKS DONKEY COCK = END

I'm a dick, angel! A huge, sick, selfish dick! Mmm, I like this pole.

Nov 10, 2006

GH - Week 11/6-10 etc - Laura Gets Fucked, and other stories

Laura: ...Man, fuck that red disco dress, Luke, fuck it! Look at me! Would you just fucking look at me! It's amazing what basement fire sale ratings and a huge sucking vacuum of fans leaving town like the Jews across the desert can do to improve my negotiation ability! Finally, I have the hair and the clothes I always wanted! Let's see Jill wear this black leather shit! She'll be drummed out of the Pat Benatar lookalike contest down at the drag club! The vastly superior male Pat Benatars will beat the shit out of her! "Open up the trenchcoat" my ass! I can rock this, Luke! I can rock this! This is so life-affirming! Fuck the drugs, Luke, you should've put me in these clothes four years ago!
Luke: You look like Sting in
Dune, angel. And if I may say, your personal Captain Ahab always wanted to spear that particular whale too. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Laura: I don't care for your jargon.
Luke: Neither does anyone. I'm so old. Can I still drink myself to death, angel?
Laura: No. Laura demands strong-ass dick.

Seriously though: I'm sorry, but as beautiful as she looks up there (when I first wrote this bit about two weeks ago) , Laura is getting fucked on this return. Hard, long, possibly with a porcupine.

It's bad enough that I have broken my no-fastforwarding role to speed through the pointless hours of GH and watch only the portions that include Laura and the Spencers, because honestly it is that fucking bad otherwise. It's bad enough that Laura is only two or three days a week tops. But SRSLY that Luke and Tracy conversation the other day, in which Tracy spat out the Guza party line that Laura was a weak housewife who dragged Luke down and should've stayed with Scott, and Luke reacted with middling ambiguity and wistful desire that he wish he knew of Tracy's supposed longstanding affection for him years ago, was the last motherfucking straw.

You know what? I like Luke/Tracy. I do. Tony Geary and Jane Elliot are excellent together and she makes him interesting again. It's a worthy alternate pairing to Luke/Laura for me. Because honestly? I was never a big L&L forever shipper. I used to ship Luke/Alexis and I would love a good new pairing for Laura. I didn't think they earned that insta-fuckin-reunion in 2002 at all. Luke was still a fucking drunk railyard hobo prick who refused to acknowledge her first son, and Laura could've done a lot better. He's been unworthy of her for years. Guza and Geary took it way too fucking far when Guza took over in the '90s. While I understand the value and importance of Luke's dark side and his rogue nature, and the initial Cassadine return storyline and rape revisitation were fucking brilliant, they ultimately went over the line. Because, see, no, Tony, I'm sorry; I don't believe Luke views his sister as nothing but a whore. And no, Tony, I'm sorry, but I don't believe Luke saw hookers regularly while married to Laura. Tony Geary is a brilliant actor and rumored to be a brilliant script doctor, he deserves all the credit he can get for keeping a lot of integrity for a lot of characters, but he is also at least partially responsible for Luke turning into nothing but a fucking joke over the last seven or eight years. Luke should not be the fucking drunk town mascot sitting on a park bench counseling closeted Lucas Jones to go visit his favorite hookers down on the docks. Luke should not come and go constantly and still pretend he gives a fuck for his daughter. The "adventure follies" where Luke does something completely unrelated to anything, anywhere, ever and it's fun because it's Luke have gotten old.

Now, any new pairing for Luke has to address his total immaturity, jackassery and inability to take responsibility for who and what he has become, which is, in a word, pathetic. Luke and Tracy as a couple once seemed like they were poised to do that, and I applauded it. The chemistry was there, the acting was there, even the writing was occasionally there. But then he had Coleman or whoever the fuck it was fuck her in his stead, and then it just turned into another series of demeaning gag routines, and once again a promising new couple was ruined in exchange for more of the same. But, see, apparently Guza still thinks this is gold! Because he skewed the whole set of scenes with Luke and Tracy the other day totally in favor of Luke/Tracy, relegating Laura to the role of "deluded idiot housewife who never really understood Luke." I guess that's why Laura left Scott for him and lived it up globetrotting, because she hated the adventure, right? Right. Sure. What a crock of horseshit. And yet, they've been trying to sell this line for years. I tolerated it before because they couldn't really put it against anything to try to actively disprove it. But now, lo and behold, Luke and Tracy. Look how much better Luke/Tracy are, guys, OMG! Look how Tracy understands him! I will say this: The Luke/Tracy conversation was, taken on its own, very, very well written and performed. The actors were excellent. And, if it was about anybody other than fucking Luke and Laura I would not be really angry about it. But it was, and I am. It was skewed horseshit and people need to know it. I may be tired of Luke and Laura a lot of the time but they deserve their respect and their proper acknowledgement. They aren't getting it. But that's not the only reason I have to be really, really angry.

Persona: En hinna vid Ingmar Bergman


So it's rumored they begged Genie to come back. "Genie, come back, we need you, it's this anniversary, we'll suck your dick!" But here we are, right, and I'm trying to watch GH again for the first time in months on behalf of Laura Spencer and Genie Francis - because I'll tell you motherfuckers right now it wasn't because of Luke and motherfucking Laura - and what do I see, five days a week, jampacked into the whole hour, with barely any time for the sweeps superstar? Why, it's Jason and motherfucking Sam on the run, for what seems like the rest of eternity. Why are they on the run? What are they doing? Who are they running from? I have no idea. I don't fucking care. All I know is that they're on virtually the entire hour, almost every day, dressed like identical fucking matching Nazi leather queens (as opposed to hot-ass leather girls like Laura above) , toting toy guns and bitching about Ric and Lorenzo or something. And apparently this and the Sonny/Carly/Jax video monotone that I also FF through are so very fucking important that we can only have a fraction of the Luke and Laura this show knows it needs. You know, when you promote the hell out of the new young doctors and nurses, when your new promotional logo is that of a doctor's white lab coat, when you got big ratings out of the returns of Rick Springfield and Kimberly McCullough, and when you're banking on Laura Spencer to save your November, maybe it's time to begin to come to terms with the fact that the mob scene is fucking dead. Hospital logo, popular hospital characters, Luke and Laura, mobsters, which one of these things is not like the other? You sit there and watch this shit and Jason and Sam and Sonny and all their whole crew just smell dead by comparison to me. It's just dead. Kill it. Let it go.

Yet, they haven't let it go yet. The fact that they only put Genie fucking Francis, who they hope will save ABCD's sweeps singlehandedly, on three out of five days a week for maybe three or four weeks is incredible and unacceptable. The fact that they've done this with the story, and made sure to keep things like Luke/Tracy on the backburner and in the ready position for when Laura hits the road, is really disgusting and really unforgivably stupid. There was surely a better way to keep the Luke/Tracy stuff burning without having to run scenes like that that make at least one writer's feelings crystal clear to the audience. The plain facts are, you are never going to get 90% of the audience, if not more than that, to believe that Luke is "over" Laura and their love, has moved on, and is deeply interested in something with Tracy and "wishes he had known" of her interest years ago when he was with Laura. You are never going to get them to believe that Tracy Quartermaine and Luke's marriage to her are anything but an afterthought for him at this point. It can't work. And yet they wrote and shot and aired it anyway. Because all they can see is next month, post-Laura. It will cost them. And I will be paid in full, motherfuckers! Paid in full.

...What was I talking about?


Oct 26, 2006

GH - pre-Thursday - This Ain't No Disco


Laura: I wish I still did coke so I could wear that dress.
Luke: No, you don't, angel.
Laura: No, I don't. Luke, tell the people to watch my show today or else I will beat them to death like Rick.
Luke: You heard my wife.
Laura: Thank God they conditioned my hair at Shadybrook. Do you remember what it was like when I left? I looked like Jessica Lange.
Luke: Oh, that's low, Missus Spencer.
Laura: That's really low.


Aug 17, 2006

GH - Mon/Tues - Scratch 'n Sniff Ho



(Scene: The lake house. Ric and Sam have pressed the meat. The afterglow is in full effect.)


Ric (sniffing the air) : Hey...hey, you smell that?


Sam: oh my god what the fuck barbeque. just do not speak to me.
Ric: No, no, come on...come on, you gotta smell that. Did the septic system back up when the generator went down? Jesus. What is that? It smells like...death in the Bayou. Like poached eggs and menstruation!
Sam: Maybe you're smelling your own sin, Riiic. Maybe you're smelling what you did to me.
Ric: Jigga what? Sam -
Sam: Oh, you knows what you dids. You knows! You...m-mounted me just to get one over on Jason. This was all about Jason. But you know what, it's never gonna happen again, and that's because Jason's gonna shoot you when he finds out! So smell your sin while you can, Ric! Smell it! While your olfactory senses still work!


Ric: Uh-huh, okay. (snif snif) Sam, is that...I don't know of a delicate way to put this, is...is that...you?


Sam (clutching her clothes to herself) : What? What? What the hell are you talking about now, Ric? I don't want to hear any more of your filth! It's bad enough that you roofied me and date raped me like a common trick!
Ric: Date rape? Date rape? Bitch, you crazy! I - seriously, how can you not smell that? Sam, it's - it's coming off you in waves, I'm not trying to go for a cheap shot, but honestly, it, I, I was in Rangoon once, in some really horrible areas, with, you know, the dead, and it kind of smelled like that. It smells like the killing fields, okay?! It smells like...Neosporin, diapers, and whipped cream! Sam, how long have you been wearing those clothes? Why are you just putting them back on? Listen, the shower still works - we have a garden hose -
Sam: What, so you can rape me with it? Like Ray Liotta did in that movie? Fuck Ray Liotta! Fuck your shower, Ric! Fuck your shower and fuck you! You're a monster, Ric! A monster and Jason is going to put you down for me! The whole time you were with me you were thinking of Jason! Jason, Jason, Jason!


Ric: Okay, Sam, look - look, just, just calm down and listen, just sniff the air, because there are spots...in front of my eyes...guh...Sam, please...please...it smells like week old raw mutton with about a gallon of White Diamonds poured all over it...


Sam: Well, I'm sorry you don't like my fragrance of the day, Ric, but unfortunately I didn't put it on for fucking you! Besides, White Diamonds has always brought me luck! Until now! Until fucking now!
Ric (coughing) : Sam, you gotta listen to me, okay, we're far from the road; we're on the edge of the woods. The...the animals, of the forest, they will come here if they smell you. We are not prepared for their first wave! Sam, we have no locust screens on the doors, you have to act fast! Koff koff! Ah, God, my lungs are filling! I am begging you, burn those clothes!


Sam: Oh - why, Ric? Why, so you can just get me naked again and have nonconsensual sex with me that is all about JASON again?! Jason, he is fifteen times the man you are, fifteen hundred times! I just picked that number out of the air, it could've been any number, because you are slime, Ric, you are an insect! For what you have done to me! You and your frigid bitch wife! God, you sicken me!
Ric (doubling over, hacking) : Gah! Ugh! Muh! Sam! Sam - I can hear them! I can hear the animals! They're angry, Sam, you've made them angry! You've violated their ecosphere! Sam, for Christ's sake, your dress has my biological...material...all over it...how can you just wear that?


Sam: It's something you could never understand, Ric. See, unlike you, I wasn't born with a bunch of silver dicks in my mouth! My family struggled and scrimped, we didn't have your Ivy League schools or your perfect clothes, sometimes we even made clothes, we had to make it work! Just like I have to every day! I put my clothes on, I'm good to go! You know what you're smelling, Ric, you're smelling reality, you're smelling a real woman, without all your snooty white-collar pretensions! So take a whiff, motherfucker! Take a huge fucking whiff!
Ric: Gaaauugghh! (collapses)



...And then she vomited on it, wiped vomit on it, and went back to the lake house still wearing it! What the fuck, Sam? What the fuck? Wat teh fukc??!!!111

Seriously though, kids, it's good to be back. I am sorry I have been gone while Darn has been biting my style every single day for weeks. I was working hard for the money, so hard for it honey, pretty much 5 days straight all week long for five to six weeks, trying to make that paper for the summer and for when I finish school in the winter. But I am back now, and trying to get back into the swing of things. It doesn't help that I have to now follow DOOL again, as it's getting very good as the new writers are now on the scene. Yes, there will be some kind of Austin and Carrie memorial post. "Austin and Carrie: Nazi Vanilla Pecan Love Fantasy."

GH and Guza have to be trying to sabotage Sam a la Courtney, etc. Only Sam would go that bugshit after willingly fucking Ric and make it all about Jason, then come back to the house and still give Alexis attitude. And I'm sorry, let me first qualify this: I detest Jason and Steve Burton and want them off the show immediately. And, I hated Jason/Liz (Jiz: Rich and consistent) in the '90s, I've hated every Liz pairing except the one with Greg Vaughan's Lucky, but this


was the hottest shit I have seen on the show since Ted King and Tamara Braun in Ric's panic room. Unbelievable. And then the tenderness, oh laws, Teh Tenderness. The sweet talk and romantic discussion. Wistful lovelinesss. Mmmm. Mmmm. I am no Liz fan...person...but that was incredible material and I agree that this has to be more than a one nighter and then back to Lucky and Sam for good. Or it should be more, anyway. Burton was even more into it than she was.

I don't even know what those scenes with Lulu, Dillon, and Georgie were. I was completely focused on Scott Clifton's chest and nipples through his shirt. I'm sorry. I don't understand why Dillon is so fucking casual and civil with Lulu now either. "Oh, you broke up me and my wife, haha, no biggies! Later, girlfrenn!"

Low on snark because I am just getting back and frankly a lot of scenes have been good these last two days. God help me. I hope some of y'all missed me. I will get on OLTL and DOOL later.

Jun 23, 2006

GH - Oh Yes It's Whores Night. And the feeling, it is right.





Lainey/Louise: And here we are again!










Liz: Time to lick it, slam it, suck it!















Dr. Lee: Whaaazzuuuppppp??!!! Waaiiooowww!















Robin (scanning the crowd) : None of these men even vaguely resemble Stone. That guy sort of looks like him after the cocktail, but it's not the same. It's going to be slim pickings tonight...







Liz: Oh, honey, stop fretting. I am here to get crunked!

Lainey/Louise: Awww yeah, the slooziest bar in town! Ladies, this is just what we needed to do to honor Justus' memory! Dank-ass pit! Looks like The Dark Crystal in here! The truckers here will kill my ass and leave my stuff in the glove compartment, yeah!

Dr. Lee: Yatta! Whaaaahhhh! Aaaaahhhh!!

Liz (confused) : Hey, waitaminute, we're missing a certain someone. Where's Em -

(Just then, Sonny arrives and sits down next to them, Jazz Hands a-waving.)

Sonny: Whooo! Whooo! Whoooooo!!! Whoo-hhhaahhh!! Yeah! Y - yeah! What's up, ladies! What's - how you - what's up?!






Robin (taken aback) : Sonny.

Sonny: Gold star! (laughs, points to Robin, turns to Dr. Lee) Gold - gold frickin' - star - she, she got it in one -

Dr. Lee (laughing along with Sonny) : Aaaaahhhh! You crazy bitch! Aaaahhh!!

Sonny: Aaaahhhh!! Whoooooo!! (waves Jazz Hands at Dr. Lee) I don't even know what, what you are, some kind of alien - okay - we gotta, yeah, we gotta slam that, suck, lick - we gotta - hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wo - ladies - how you all doin'? How you, how's - what's goin' on? How's your week? How's your week?!

Robin: You know, I think we were expecting Emily -

Sonny: How's your week?! How's your week?! Whooooooo!!

Dr. Lee: Waaaaahhhhh!!

Sonny: Whooooo!!

Lainey/Louise: No, no, this is okay, it's okay!

Liz/Robin: It is?

Lainey/Louise: It's, yes, we should, Sonny should be here, he cared about Justus too. By the way, I didn't really know Justus, you all probably knew him much better, we were acquaintances, so, really, whatever happens tonight, or, or soon in the future, I could pretty much just do, be with anybody, it wouldn't, it's not about...whoring.

Liz: You dated Justus like eighteen times in a year.

Lainey/Louise: Sorry?

Robin: Lainey, we saw you out on dates with him at the Metro Court. You and Justus were dating.

Lainey/Louise: Say what? (laughs) Oh, girl, that's the Sustiva talking! Girl, you crazy! Shots! We need shots! Robin needs extra! Yeow!

Sonny: Ow! Ooowww!!

Dr. Lee: Aaaaahhhh!!

Liz (improvising) : So...Sonny.

Sonny (laughing and drinking) : Elizabeth.

Liz: How is -

Sonny: Elizabeth.

Liz: Ye - yeah?

Sonny: Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

Liz: Yes?

Sonny: Elizabeth! Elizabeth!!

Liz/Robin: What?

Sonny (pounding table rhythmically) : Elizabeth! Elizabeth! (turning to each woman) Robin! Lou - Lainey! Y - whoever you are! I have no idea! Ling Ling! A-and...

Dr. Lee: SOOONNNYYYY!!

Lainey/Louise: Sonny! Whoooo!!

(The howling trio bursts into drunken laughter.)

Liz (to Robin) : Ripley, I'm scared.

Robin (staring into her shotglass) : Newt, stay close.

Sonny (waving drink, holding forth) : ...You know what, you know, who I like, I like that...for music? I like, I like that - I like that Miami Sound Machine. They're, you might not, might not have heard of them, they're a new group, they're...regional...acquired...taste...but I, I like them. They are great. I like them! I love them! Them and, and that, that Bryan Adams. Young, he's young, but he's, he's got talent. You, you, Lainey, what, what music, what soul music, do you like?

Lainey: Well, I -

Sonny: I like that band Living Colour! "The Glamour Boys!" Da-da-da! Ha ha! Whooo!!

Dr. Lee: Aaaaaahhhhh!! gomen nasai, gomen nasai.

Sonny: You like, you - you got a thing for Billy Ocean, don't you - Lainey?

Lainey (laughing) : Oh! Ha, no -

Sonny: You - aaaaahhhh - you got it! Ha ha! Aaahhh! You got a thing! You, I can see it, I can see it, you don't lie, don't lie, you can't, can't lie, my, I, my retinas burn through the lies, they eat 'em! They eat the lies! You wild bitch! Burn through to the truth! Aaahahaha! Whoo! No, no, really. No, this is, I'm coming from...a sincere. Place. What - what men - what boys do you like, ladies?

Liz: I'm not comfortable with this -

Lainey/Louise: Why you gotta play it like a little bitch, Elizabeth? This is for Justus!

Sonny (laughing) : ...You know when I was a kid, my mother, she was your age, she begged and borrowed! On the streets! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, she...worked for scraps! Hahahahaaaa! Couldn't have no, no...liberation! Lib! Women's lib! Begged and borrowed and scraped and my stepfather, his name was Deke, he beat the hell out of her. Black eyes everyday! Whoo! And, and he put me in a closet - yeah! Yeah! In a closet, and he - and so I gave her the keys to the car, and -

Dr. Lee: Sooonnnyyyy!! Whaaaaahhhh!!

Sonny (laughing) : Aaaahhhh! Whooo!! Don't interrupt me! (pounding table) Elizabeth! Robin! Ling Ling! Lainey!

Robin (standing) : Okay, this is, I gotta -

Sonny: Robin.

Robin: No, Sonny.

Sonny: Robin. Robin! Robin!! Robin! Robin! (joined in by Lainey and Dr. Lee) ROBIN! ROBIN! ROBIN! You have to - come here - you need to, we have to slam and lick!

Oh, lord. General Hospital, the show which finally shows us the realities of that everyday situation we've all been in at least once in our lives - when our bipolar, psychotic, crimeboss boyfriend twice our age shows up to crash our Whores Night at Jake's and make all our friends feel awkward and funny. That was some funny shit. They could keep this bipolar Sonny story going forever and I would never get bored. His acting is hilarious. The bug eyes, the "I saw a ghost!" face, it's great. Motherfucker looks like Ichabod Crane in the Sleepy Hollow Disney film. It's a package, it's magic, it's jazz hands magic! And Ric - well, Ric's apparent rationale of "get Sonny drunk and crazy enough until he either sodomizes me or has to be committed, so I can finally help him" is so batshit crazy and yet so perfectly batshit crazy Ric Lansing that it is magic to watch too. I love how Ric turns into "The Uppity Tourist Who Demands Special Service From The Hotel Management" in all his scenes with Max.

Ric: Oh, okay, Max! Okay, okay, okay! That's fine, Max, don't let Sonny drive his own car! Like a man! He's - what kind of lightweight are you, Max, Sonny knows his limit! What - you - you got a problem, Max? You got a problem? You got a problem with me? You're the employee, Max! You're the employee! I am the customer! I'm the customer, Max! I'm - I'm your - you know what, how about we rename the house, Max? How about that? How about we call 'Maxadu?' How about that? We, we can make the business, we can call it 'Max Limited.' How about the whole town becomes Port Max? How about that, Max? Because it's just your world, Max, it's just your world, and, and, and, and me and Sonny, we, we just live in it! Shut the fuck up, Max! Get me a - I want a Shirley Temple! Go into the kitchen and make it! Like my mother!


Oh, Ric. Such an ass. Such a fucking crazy lunatic psycho ass. But it's so funny.

Why the fuck were they letting Lulu into supposedly hardass Jake's? Does not compute. Jake's has gone downhill like everything else in town.


Look into Lorenzo's eyes. You can tell he is beginning to suspect Skye is a man.











Thank God Manny took time to shave in between his stalking. I'm the only one that saw that, I guess. Whatever.

Okay, so this one's short. Sorry. Been a long week, very busy, and I do three shows so unlike some people I probably won't be able to manage all three daily. But I'll try to keep up on 'em all as regularly as I can and I hope that's okay. I have a lot to say about DOOL and the newly-infamous K___ B___, who I think can now be written about but I'm not sure. We'll get to that tonight, maybe. As OLTL circles the drain, that show just keeps getting shockingly better. It's down to Patch! Patch and Bryan Dattilo's yummy 'used-to-be-chubby' chest! Okay, maybe not Bryan Dattilo. But I enjoyed him. Okay. Anyway.

Jun 17, 2006

GH - Friday - My Romulan Nanny Ate My Baby


Goddamn, they were hot. That's how you do a story. And Culliton dumped it when he took over from Guza. That is one situation where I must unfortunately say, 'fuck Patch and Kayla.'



Anyway. Nikolas, let me preface my remarks here - I'm not saying you're dumb. I have said you're dumb in the past, and roided out, and hooked on that junk, and freakishly overmuscled, and a Hulkamaniac!, and also dumb, but I'm not saying it right now. I'm just saying, when your nanny looks like this? You should know immediately that she's evil. Also, her creepy placid demeanor and her Witness clothes. Of course, we all realize this is subliminal Guza language for 'the poor babynappers were right, Carly wuz raht, Nikolas is wrong and stupid just like Robin, look what he's allowing to happen!' I am so sick of being able to read all my shows like a fucking kindergarten primer.


Let's be real here: Carly was thinking about eating the baby. She's up against the wall, how many options has she got? She was desperate for any excuse to not have to give up Baby John and eat shit over what she did. Any excuse. "You - you got another nanny? You want, you want to, uh, make your own parental choices about child care? Parental choices? What the fuck? What the fuck? (throws purse across the room) Hold me back, Jax, hold me back! We outta here! We outta here! Bring the baby!" (klomp klomp klomp) It isn't even about John for her, it's about Robin and Nikolas and all the people who Carly thinks persecute her whenever they find out what she's done this time and try to hold her accountable. I swear if Jax had not been there to stop her, Carly would've eaten the damn baby so she didn't have to give him up or any of her pride. With a smirk. "What's up, Nikolas? What's up now? Bitch."

I loved Jason's idiotic befuddled expression when he saw Justus and Lainey's public display of affection. "Are - are they allowed to do that?" I would mourn poor Justus, but I'd be mourning (right-wing Republican but fine-ass man) Joe Phillips' wonderful Justus, and he's long gone. I can't even mourn the spirit of the character as I did for, say, Al Holden or Duke Buchanan, because that's gone too. Justus has been a happy laughing boy for Sonny, Jason, and the mob for long enough that I don't recognize the past anymore, and Mfundo Morrison, while very, very handsome, is not much of an actor and has made the character mostly just bland, or when not bland and two-dimensional, then smug and personally unattractive. This Justus is not a person I ever enjoyed seeing. At best he was tolerable; at worst he was a sleazy, ho-loving trick (remember Justus confronting the Token Black Lawyer Girl with all these hos hanging off him, and Justus just laughing at her for daring to be intelligent and "uppity?") or an obnoxious, dated "spiritual man" racial stereotype, busting out with hymns and prayers that had no bearing or basis on or in the character. So no, I will not miss Justus the way I did A.J. or even Chloe or Kristina. He's proven to be just not worth it. And goddamn that suit did not fit him. I wear ill-fitting clothes with a clueless, devil-may-care laugh everyday and even I saw that. It looked like a paper doll cutout situation.

If there's one thing this terribly Too Much Information, "Mo & Paula" manic depression storyline for Sonny has brought us other than the continued hilarity of Soily, it's Maurice Benard's laugh-a-minute "serious" bipolar symphony of Acting. It's "Maurice Benard: Mummies Alive!" He has Jazz Hands! He dips up and down and all around! Watch out for his eyes! Watch out for his dimples! Ooh, the dimples of a crazy crimelord twice your age who drinks too much and mistakes you for his dead wife and ponders killing you in your sleep! It's fucking hilarious.

(Emily leaves the drawing room. Sonny immediately stops smiling and goes to the phone.)

Sonny (into phone) : Max. Yeah. (scratching cheeks like a junkie) One thing...kill Emily. (abruptly hangs up; long pause, then Sonny picks up the phone again, redials) Yeah. Max. Yeah. Uh...belay that...order. No sale. No sale. Yeah - oh. Yeah. Yeah. (hangs up again; another long pause. Then, Sonny whirls around and picks the phone up again in a flash, no dialing) Stop calling this number! Nnnaaahhhh!! (hangs up)


But you know what, we're not supposed to be laughing. We're not supposed to be laughing. I shouldn't be laughing. I apologize. I've gone too far. I've taken it over the line, see, because this is a Very Important story that has been years, years in the making. And General Hospital wants you to know that. It's a Very Important, very heartfelt, touching, emotional story about a man's struggle with mental illness, based in real-life events and experiences. It's an emotional story about a man, a short man, a fortysomething man about the height of Dakota Fanning, who pushed his pregnant mother down the stairs because she was a "whore" and fell in love with a man. It's an emotional story about a man who blew up his own penthouse with his wife and several bystanders still inside, a story about a man who shot his pregnant wife in the head while she was giving birth and he seemed to mistake it for Lorenzo Alcazar trying to eat her out, a man who responded to her post-traumatic stress by taking hostages and then fucking the hostage and installing her next door as his latest pregnant whore. It's about a man who is fucking his stepson's girlfriend who he's known since she was eleven. This is the explanation for all of it! It explains everything! What - what the fuck is wrong with you if you don't get it? Are you - are you saying it doesn't matter? Are you saying - wait, are you saying that Sonny is still a, a violent misogynistic sociopath who has to take responsibility for his actions? That is so knee-jerk ign - wait. Wait. "It's not an excuse?" Are you - are you actually, is that seriously what you're saying? It's not an excuse! It's not an excuse! We're not saying that! We're not calling it that! How dare you try to marginalize this story?! It just, it explains everything! It's just, he's sick, he's sexy, he's romantic, he's young and virile and strong and peaceful, but he's sick, see, it explains it. This is what every young woman watching at 3 PM needs to know about bipolar disorder - completely separate him from his actions in the past or his actions towards you, don't put the blame on him, don't make him accountable, no matter who he is, no matter what he does, blame the disease, not the carrier, make it an intellectual, detached issue, even when he goes around killing people or battering women hand over fucking fist. It's an illness, see. It's a sickness. It's not him, it's not your sexy older boyfriend who they still give the front page of Soap Opera Digest to, see, it's the illness. The illness is just a six to eight week storyline, it'll clear up, he's still hot. It's not him, don't look at him like that. Don't try to marginalize it, that's ignorant. It's Very Important. They'll probably have a PSA to tell you all about it, if they haven't already, I'm not sure. Anyway. I apologize for my tacky, classless commentary on the heartwrenching, sensitive, important Public Service that is GH's bipolar storyline. I'm sure Claire Labine is thrilled, sitting there watching and eating the government cheese.

The nanny search scene was supposed to be funny and it could've been if I wasn't so pissed at GH for a lot of things (even though I think it's shown shocking improvement in the last six months within the confines of a very shitty canvas and structure) , and if the comedy wasn't so obvious and broad. You all know that was Guza as the fourth, "cod liver oil" nanny, right? It wasn't just me, right? At least it wasn't Maxie as I'd suspected. Seriously, you know she'll come next when Sub-Commander Seklat over there gets busted as Helena's mole. "The Prince & The Nanny." And she's still way too fucking young.

Carly (cuddling with Jax) : You know, if you want noise, I can get the boys over here.
Jax: Ah, no, thank you, but sorry. They smell like milk. That red one's going to Fat Camp. He's - he's not allowed back into my presence until he loses thirty pounds. (big dazzling grin) Okaaayyy? Cuddle! (he cuddles her)


Manny Ruiz, Motel Housekeeper. Manny - Manny, you forgot to leave a mint! You forgot to leave a mint!



Cover up, say goodnight.