Daytime Emmys V: Slow Death

Darn (10:53:30 PM): None of them deserve it so why are we...why?

Jase (10:53:40 PM): GL does more than most, knew it.

Jase (10:53:46 PM): Is the other award to save face for Frons?

Darn (10:54:02 PM): I dunno, GH isn't even nominated.

Darn (10:54:08 PM): And that's all he cares about.

Darn (10:54:22 PM): Okay, all of y'all do not need to be up there.

Darn (10:54:47 PM): OKAY, MOVE IT ALONG.

Darn (10:54:53 PM): I haven't even ate today.

Jase (10:54:58 PM): It's far from a perfect show but they seem to really be trying.

Jase (10:54:59 PM): Me, barely.

Jase (10:55:05 PM): HAHA, SUCK IT BRIAN!

Darn (10:55:07 PM): Oh...little yay.

Darn (10:55:20 PM): Stupid show winning the Emmy, now LML is gonna stay.

Darn (10:55:23 PM): For fuck's sake.

Jase (10:55:29 PM): I'm just glad ABC lost.

Darn (10:55:32 PM): SIT DOWN, WOMAN, I HATE YOU.

Jase (10:55:40 PM): My network needs to stop being coddled with GH awards.

Jase (10:56:09 PM): Wow, Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat joined Y&R!

Darn (10:56:14 PM): I see now why the people backstage are backstage.

Darn (10:56:52 PM): So undeserved but look at the competition.

Darn (10:56:58 PM): Now the show just...ends.

Darn (10:57:11 PM): Why wasn't Rachael Ray just made the host?

Darn (10:57:16 PM): Whatever, slow death.

Jase (10:57:47 PM): "Everyone please use the service entrance, there is a bar mitzvah upstairs! No, just the one entrance!"

Jase (10:57:57 PM): "The dogs will be released in fifteen minutes! Ten!"

Daytime Emmys IV: WRAP IT UP.

Jase (10:15:31 PM): This is almost as much of a chore for us as it obviously is for the programmers.

Jase (10:15:41 PM): Have we been less funny before? Don't answer that.

Darn (10:16:18 PM): I dunno, we're off tonight. The show was awful but in a fun way last year.

Jase (10:16:39 PM): Ah, the Head Writing Award, the "Here Take Your Piece Of Useless Tin You Hack Fuckers" award.

Darn (10:17:10 PM): Oh hai, GL headwriter, how cute is he?

Jase (10:17:15 PM): They actually probably were better than almost everyone last year. Every time I looked in on them I was impressed.

Jase (10:17:17 PM): Yeah, very cute.

Jase (10:17:55 PM): And at the mention of her name, somewhere in the audience Vicky Hudson begins to plot her good twin Ellen Wheeler's demise!

Darn (10:17:57 PM): Vivica A. Fox and her deformed tittles.

Jase (10:18:01 PM): Video Ho Vivica Fox.

Darn (10:18:06 PM): Oh wait, looks like she had them removed.

Jase (10:18:40 PM): Surprise, a black fan for Y&R! I wonder why it has a black audience, ABC?!

Darn (10:18:51 PM): I DUNNO!

Jase (10:18:59 PM): Maybe it had more than one black character and it wasn't an insufferable prig!

Jase (10:19:05 PM): (EVANGELINE!)

Jase (10:19:28 PM): Haha, Victor on LSD.

Darn (10:19:34 PM): Haha, that was the best.

Darn (10:19:39 PM): HAPPYFUNVICTOR!

Jase (10:20:06 PM): Oh man. The unfun View.

Darn (10:20:27 PM): They're just acknowledging it now, Barbara is senile.

Jase (10:21:17 PM): Worst jokes ever.

Jase (10:21:36 PM): "Time to watch a real awards show, everyone!"

Darn (10:22:30 PM): Next year in another fit of desperation the Daytime Emmys air a live sex show...on MySpace!

Jase (10:22:32 PM): Zim needs no partner.

Jase (10:22:44 PM): Oh, good, she's making it all about her, I NEVER EXPECTED THAT.

Darn (10:22:45 PM): Because she is both man and woman.

Darn (10:22:57 PM): She's that stalker on Passions.

Darn (10:22:59 PM): SPOILER.

Jase (10:23:05 PM): Haha, she is the He/She.

Darn (10:23:12 PM): Is she Hari Krishner?

Jase (10:23:20 PM): She is Rebis from the Grant Morrison Doom Patrol.

Jase (10:23:51 PM): The last survivors of the Guiding Light cast supplement their paychecks by doing scab labor!

Darn (10:24:06 PM): Zimmer is an escapee from Dr. Moreau's.

Darn (10:24:10 PM): Haha!

Jase (10:24:54 PM): "None of us goes our way alone?" You poor guys are about to!

Darn (10:25:18 PM): Barbara: WHOREWHOREWHORE! Are you my wiiiiife? Why are these waffles? ROSIEYOUDON'TKNOWMELIKEDAT!

Jase (10:25:32 PM): One couch in the K-Mart room. I guess they all draw straws.

Darn (10:25:44 PM): No, no, knifefight.

Jase (10:25:57 PM): The survivor gets a seat.

Jase (10:26:01 PM): And then they go again.

Jase (10:26:06 PM): Hearst is already dead.

Darn (10:26:36 PM): Bleeding on the budget carpet.

Jase (10:26:50 PM): They Ajax it while they're all still in there.

Jase (10:26:54 PM): "Don't breathe it in."

Jase (10:30:37 PM): Oh, I see, the stage is a foldout stage, like my table.

Jase (10:30:43 PM): Too much pressure, the legs go.

Jase (10:31:00 PM): Here comes Tyra after an afternoon of wine and crystal meth.

Darn (10:31:04 PM): You know what, Tyra? That's quite enough.

Jase (10:31:33 PM): Tyra thinks Elmo is real, she's having a flashback to them lean teen days.

Jase (10:33:05 PM): Okay, I think Kevin Clash's been drinking.

Darn (10:33:37 PM): Tyra thinks Elmo is too fat and needs a haircut.

Jase (10:33:45 PM): Aw man, Reading Rainbow. REEEAADDDIING RAAIIINBBOOOWW!!! Reverse the warp core, Geordi!

Darn (10:33:50 PM): That was pretty funny. I am so easy.

Darn (10:34:02 PM): I looooved Reading Rainbow.

Jase (10:34:07 PM): Me too.

Darn (10:34:16 PM): I CAN GO ANYWHERE, JUST TAKE A LOOK IT'S IN A BOOK, A READING RAINBOW!

Darn (10:34:23 PM): Reading raaainbow.

Jase (10:34:34 PM): Eva LaRue, now with a real job, suck it Brian Frons!

Jase (10:35:00 PM): Oh my God her breasts are like Dalek bumps!

Darn (10:35:16 PM): PETER BERGMAN!

Darn (10:35:19 PM): I mean come on.

Jase (10:35:35 PM): It needs to not be Tony.

Darn (10:35:49 PM): WHAT?!

Darn (10:35:53 PM): WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Darn (10:36:00 PM): Oh, this is bullshit.

Jase (10:36:02 PM): Good for Queen!

Darn (10:36:07 PM): I. AM. INCISED.

Darn (10:36:15 PM): Or however you spell that.

Jase (10:36:20 PM): Uh, incensed, honey.

Jase (10:36:24 PM): Incised means you got cut.

Darn (10:36:31 PM): I DID THOUGH!

Jase (10:36:40 PM): ...I see.

Darn (10:37:01 PM): Sigh.

Jase (10:37:18 PM): Charles Nelson Reilly? Bit on the nose, Christian.

Darn (10:37:21 PM): Yeah, okay, CLB, we get it, you gay.

Darn (10:37:25 PM): WE. GET. IT.

Jase (10:37:35 PM): I'm saying.

Darn (10:39:25 PM): Is it my turn?

Jase (10:42:03 PM): It will be, edit mine with your pretty shit first.

Jase (10:42:27 PM): Mario Van Peebles?

Darn (10:42:34 PM): Yeah, uh, why?

Jase (10:42:45 PM): Oh, Mario, I heart you. Ooooone Liiifeee tooo Liiiive!

Jase (10:42:55 PM): Now with 99% less black people!

Darn (10:43:14 PM): Oh I know, he was shopping on Sunset and they offered him cash to do this for 2 minutes.

Darn (10:44:03 PM): But Jase they have Black-Americans AND African Americans.

Jase (10:44:29 PM): That ancient old woman prefers Antonio?

Darn (10:44:48 PM): She doesn't realize he's a dirty Latino.

Darn (10:45:25 PM): We should have done this except no, we have shame.

Darn (10:45:55 PM): Oh my god.

Jase (10:46:14 PM): HAHA, that's awesome.

Darn (10:46:14 PM): WTF was that? Creepy girl, "I wish I was a Quartermaine"

Darn (10:46:20 PM): These people are INSANE.

Jase (10:46:26 PM): We don't have shame, we should've, it would never have aired.

Darn (10:46:38 PM): I have shame. Some.

Jase (10:48:02 PM): Awright, wrap. it. UP. people.

Darn (10:48:23 PM): They're not even trying at this point.

Jase (10:48:35 PM): No.

Jase (10:48:41 PM): And they're not making me try either.

Jase (10:49:40 PM): Oh yeah, RACHAEL RAY presents the last soap award, FINE, whatever, just let's kill this thing, doubletap, back of the head.

Daytime Emmys III: Little Richie Gets A Tchotchke

Darn (9:44:24 PM): Brandon Beemer, gay explosion.

Jase (9:45:02 PM): BLUE STEEL

Jase (9:45:07 PM): Martha Madison looks the best she ever has.

Darn (9:45:35 PM): And that's barely good!

Darn (9:45:38 PM): Go Martha!

Darn (9:45:51 PM): Okay, fixed.

Jase (9:46:00 PM): Jesse Soffer, Male God.

Darn (9:46:00 PM): They nommed someone from Passions? Lords.

Jase (9:46:07 PM): PITY NOM

Darn (9:46:12 PM): Haha.

Darn (9:46:34 PM): AWESOME!

Jase (9:46:37 PM): The entire cast of Family Matters better be there.

Darn (9:46:41 PM): I like Bryton.

Jase (9:46:42 PM): Oh, come on, LITTLE RICHIE? No, Darn.

Darn (9:46:48 PM): No, he's good shut up.

Jase (9:46:53 PM): He better thank Telma Hopkins.

Darn (9:47:02 PM): And Jaleel.

Darn (9:47:04 PM): Like right now.

Darn (9:47:52 PM): He...didn't think Victoria Rowell...that's okay.

Jase (9:48:05 PM): Susan Flannery looks like Truman Capote.

Jase (9:48:18 PM): Just, standing in the crowd. BUDGET.

Jase (9:50:08 PM): Silly ass B&B.

Jase (9:50:39 PM): Dr. Phil takes time out from taking his son to the de-gaying camp again.

Darn (9:54:39 PM): Don't even let him onstage during his tribute.

Darn (9:54:54 PM): OH I KNOW, too many people on stage and it collapses.

Jase (9:55:40 PM): HAHA, goal.

Jase (10:01:49 PM): Haha, a hanging chads joke, never old, Jerry, never old!

Darn (10:04:04 PM): Lead Actress already?

Darn (10:04:19 PM): This is the Little League of award shows.

Jase (10:04:24 PM): Damn, what is this, 90 minutes?

Jase (10:04:40 PM): I thought, "no it can't be," but uh...damn.

Darn (10:05:40 PM): Uh, okay, she's good.

Jase (10:05:58 PM): Good for Weimar Republic Carly.

Jase (10:06:04 PM): Man, Andy Dixon is still cute.

Darn (10:07:59 PM): Oh wait, I get it now, with all the YouTube and computer stuff they're APPEALING TO OUR GENERATION!

Jase (10:08:33 PM): I GET IT NOW!

Darn (10:08:37 PM): Is that...the lady from Life Goes On?

Darn (10:08:43 PM): No, no she's not.

Jase (10:08:50 PM): I had no idea Little Edie from Grey Gardens was one of the directors at ATWT.

Darn (10:08:57 PM): ME EITHER!

Jase (10:09:07 PM): Still your turn.

Jase (10:09:22 PM): Although I guess we don't have enough yet.

Darn (10:09:24 PM): I know, I'm waiting for more.

Jase (10:09:59 PM): Ah, Lee Phillip Bell, this is yours.

Darn (10:10:00 PM): Peter Bergman? Also ageless.

Darn (10:10:11 PM): I...don't know this ho.

Darn (10:10:20 PM): Joking!

Darn (10:10:25 PM): Haha, really, no.

Darn (10:10:45 PM): They aren't even giving it to her there!

Darn (10:10:49 PM): What a rip-off!

Jase (10:10:54 PM): Oh good God.

Jase (10:10:58 PM): That is awful.

Darn (10:11:07 PM): Wow, this is truly the monster truck rally of award shows.

Daytime Emmys II: Julie Berman Goes For The Shiv

Darn (9:14:39 PM): What is on YOUR HEAD, BREE?

Jase (9:14:54 PM): Next time don't smoke meth before the show, Bree.

Darn (9:15:06 PM): That's like saying don't breathe.

Darn (9:15:19 PM): Trent Dawson? Not gay, I was shocked.

Jase (9:15:25 PM): He is gay, COME ON.

Jase (9:15:33 PM): GOOO

Jase (9:15:36 PM): GO DAN!

Jase (9:15:38 PM): RADIOOOO!!!

Darn (9:15:37 PM): He said he has a girlfriend, I KNOW.

Darn (9:15:42 PM): GO DAN!

Jase (9:15:45 PM): He's gonna lose, dammit.

Jase (9:15:47 PM): I know it.

Darn (9:15:50 PM): Yeah.

Darn (9:15:58 PM): Uh, shut up Ric.

Jase (9:16:05 PM): It would be too much of a humiliation to ABC for him to win.

Darn (9:16:13 PM): Character Ric, you keep clapping or whatever Hearst.

Darn (9:16:20 PM): Shut up, Kevin.

Jase (9:16:23 PM): Greg Rikaart? Coke Boy, no.

Jase (9:16:32 PM): Not him, Kevin.

Darn (9:16:47 PM): Oh, my baby Dru.

Darn (9:16:50 PM): I need a moment.

Darn (9:16:52 PM): Moments.

Darn (9:17:09 PM): Oh lord.

Darn (9:17:15 PM): He doesn't need another one.

Jase (9:17:22 PM): Yeah, you know they did that just so they could give it to ANYONE but DG.

Jase (9:17:23 PM): F THAT

Darn (9:17:41 PM): I know Forbes and Bree were rooting for Dan, AS WELL THEY SHOULD.

Jase (9:17:44 PM): I liked the look on Kristoff St. John's face when they cut to him, like, "yeah, never happening!"

Darn (9:17:56 PM): No gold lady for the black man.

Jase (9:18:17 PM): Rick Hearst, I seethe with anger.

Darn (9:18:21 PM): Haha, Tony Geary is officially Elton John.

Jase (9:18:29 PM): He looks like Mr. Freeze, I'm saying.

Jase (9:18:42 PM): IZ A CONSPIRACY

Jase (9:18:54 PM): They had to give it to someone other than Dan, I's angered.

Darn (9:19:16 PM): Okay, I thought they were gonna say Morgan Freeman.

Jase (9:19:20 PM): Morgan Fairchild. "We're too ashamed to show any more current daytime stars, so he's a marginal celebrity with a tenuous connection!"

Jase (9:19:37 PM): WOW she looks good.

Darn (9:19:46 PM): She's ageless.

Darn (9:20:12 PM): This is the highlight for me, Zimmerman.

Jase (9:20:19 PM): ZIM ZIMMA!

Jase (9:20:24 PM): Invader Zim, I hate you.

Darn (9:20:37 PM): What happened to dramatic montages?

Darn (9:20:56 PM): This YouTube shit is just pissing me off.

Jase (9:21:28 PM): IT'S HIP AND CURRENT!

Darn (9:21:29 PM): Gay, gay, more gay.

Jase (9:21:30 PM): AND CHEAP!

Darn (9:21:31 PM): No, I kid.

Jase (9:21:36 PM): Team Gay

Darn (9:21:44 PM): Two of them have kids, the other makes up for the gay.

Darn (9:22:06 PM): She's gonsta gets it.

Darn (9:22:23 PM): Her face is weird to me, post car accident?

Jase (9:22:33 PM): I like her.

Jase (9:22:37 PM): But Julie should win.

Darn (9:22:48 PM): I know, I like her, just her face. I dunno, leave me be.

Darn (9:23:07 PM): Muff Diver Jennifer Landon.

Darn (9:23:13 PM): That's her title, I looked it up.

Jase (9:23:28 PM): Haha, goal.

Jase (9:23:49 PM): I heard she and Jesse were both of the gay. Make my dreams come true, why don'tcha.

Jase (9:24:10 PM): Did you see Julie Berman?

Jase (9:24:12 PM): Going for the shiv.

Darn (9:24:28 PM): She...didn't deserve that.

Jase (9:24:50 PM): She's very good.

Darn (9:24:50 PM): I mean Jennifer Landon didn't.

Jase (9:24:55 PM): But Julie should've won.

Darn (9:25:02 PM): Yeah but Julie had the better story.

Jase (9:25:04 PM): Julie looks PISSED.

Jase (9:25:11 PM): It'll come, Jules.

Darn (9:25:21 PM): Next year I bet.

Jase (9:25:27 PM): Oh yes.

Jase (9:25:53 PM): "K-Mart Studio Blue?!"

Jase (9:26:50 PM): HAHAHAHA, Lisa Rinna's like, thank you Rick, back on your meds.

Jase (9:28:25 PM): Man, just drive my K-Mart analogy home with a stake. An ACTUAL K-MART ROOM. Not even a green room, a BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL ROOM.

Jase (9:28:34 PM): Looks like a ghetto ass Planet Krypton.

Darn (9:29:00 PM): Haha, win.

Darn (9:31:27 PM): SHUT UP, RYAN.

Jase (9:31:50 PM): Here's why I tuned in, Thorsten Kaye waxing philosophical about The Mike Douglas Show.

Darn (9:32:10 PM): I bet some people did, I'm just sayin'.

Darn (9:32:25 PM): Tyra: I'M A STRONG BLACK WOMAN, Y'ALL!

Darn (9:32:40 PM): Tyra: HOMELESS BUT PRETTY, Y'ALL! HOMELESS BUT FIERCE!

Darn (9:33:03 PM): Dr. Phil is one Oprah from sexual predator.

Darn (9:33:44 PM): Oh, I hope The View wins. Them bitches crazy.

Jase (9:34:13 PM): Man, if ever a year The View should win...

Darn (9:34:25 PM): I know, right?

Darn (9:34:40 PM): With Rosie it was absolutely fascinating television.

Jase (9:34:58 PM): Haha, Ellen, THANK YOU!

Darn (9:35:03 PM): Ellen wins.

Darn (9:35:12 PM): Fuck Tyra and Dr. Phil.

Jase (9:35:16 PM): THANK YOU ELLEN.

Jase (9:35:21 PM): This is what I wanted her to do.

Jase (9:35:30 PM): She never talks about being gay.

Darn (9:35:51 PM): That was funny, I like you Ellen.

Jase (9:35:58 PM): Austin Peck.

Darn (9:36:08 PM): Say no more.

Jase (9:36:19 PM): Oh no. ONLY AT THE DAYTIME EMMYS.

Jase (9:36:38 PM): Any other awards show his camera would've been confiscated. Here? Just come on the stage doing any old shit.

Jase (9:37:24 PM): Later, someone comes out slugging from a 40.