AMC - TIME CRISIS starring Ryan Lavery

jase: Wow, I learned from AMC all you need to tell a story is fish eye lenses and forced perspective, not dialogue.
Darn: I hate those characters. I hate the stories they tell with them.
Darn: Hate hate hate
jase: Look, let's clutch each other while looking at Ryan.
jase: Look, Ryan, hold me though you no longer know me while we both gaze lovingly at either each other or Kendall, but above all, SAY NOTHING.
Darn: The new hospital set is more interesting than this story.
jase: It's quite a set.
jase: Debbi Morgan is still better than everyone.
jase: It is almost painful to watch all these jerkwads standing around like, what's going on Dr. Much Better Actor?
Darn: Seriously. I just don't get it. They are NOT good enough to rise above this garbage material.
jase: Here, come meet Annie who has nothing to do with this case. Debbi Morgan ain't got no time for you Annie!
jase: They're not good enough to play with Angie. She comes off compelling at least. They just all look lame. It's like a sore thumb, it really is.
Darn: Yes, she sticks out like a sore thumb because she's ya know, acting. I feel like I'm watching a high school play with the rest of them. I cannot believe this show has been handed over to 6 people.
jase: And like they'd let Ryan wander the hospital thinking it's 2004.
jase: Asking when the new episode of Newlyweds is coming on. Voting for George McGovern.
Darn: "DOCTOR, WHAT IS THIS IPHONE, I DON'T UNNDERSTANNNNN?! So much has changed!"
jase: "You mean television comes in color? WITCHCRAFT!"
jase: "I have no time for you, Dark Roots Girl! I must find Afrosheen Kendall so we can return to the butter churn and continue harvesting the winter crops!"
Darn: lol, Afrosheen
Darn: And Cam Mathison is a bad actor.
Darn: Looking like a zombie is not acting.
jase: Srsly they would not just let him wander off alone to harass people like it's 2004.
jase: "OMG Kendall I still love you!" That would not happen. He would not be allowed to wander into Greenlee's room and give an impassioned speech while thinking it's 2004. Yes, let the brain damaged man speak. No.
Darn: "NURSE THIS FUTURE TECHNOLOGY YOU'RE USING DOES NOT EXIST YET, ARGH!"
Darn: At that point he rips out someone's heart monitor.
jase: "This metal contraption keeping her breathing is no substitute for a good chemist's salve!"
Darn: "So Dr. Hubbard, when do we start the bloodletting?"
jase: "My layman's opinion is that this disease will need no fewer than eight leeches, what say you, Doctor Martin? Nurse Santos! Prepare the heated cups!"
Darn: "Do we treat moors in this hospital?"
jase: See, you had to go there.
Darn: Had to!
jase: "You know, Joe, socialized medicine is really the Reds creeping into the fabric of our society."
Darn: "I cannot believe you guys let me marry a dude."

OLTL - Race Wars

Or The Marcie VS. Todd Debate. Basically Jase and I disagree on the whole situation. Our friendship hangs in the balance!

Oh yes before we begin I just want it known that OLTL is running on all cylinders at the moment. Truly I can say without hyperbole that it's the best soap on the air.

Jase: Rex and Adriana admitting their fault is so good.

Darn: Yeah, that'll satisfy the complainers.

Jase: It satisfied me.

Darn: Yes, the complainers. :P

Jase: I don't complain!

Darn: About Rex and Adriana you do!

Jase: Rightfully!

Jase: Until now, now they've cleared it up and I am happy.

Darn: I think everyone who kept Todd from that child except for Margaret was completely in the right.

Jase: That's because you smoke weed.

Jase: I'm sorry but after the first stop on Marcie and Tommy's Magical Mystery Tour that argument dried the fuck up.

Jase: And especially after she started waving the gun around.

Darn: That doesn't negate Todd's deep history of being, um, EVIL.

Jase: That doesn't change the fact that they weren't God or the law.

Jase: When you take the matriarch hostage with a gun you are no better than Todd.

Darn: Marcie went about keeping him in the wrong way, for sure but Todd went about taking him the wrong way and goes about life in general the wrong way.

Darn: Oh please.

Jase: I felt for her during this, and yes Todd is a bad man, but she became what she hated.

Jase: Well, that's why the story works, because we both feel two ways about it.

Jase: The show doesn't MAKE you feel one way or the other.

Darn: I suppose. Even though you're wrong.

Jase: Even though you smoke rocks.

Jase: With the rest of the white neo Nazis.

Jase: I liked the blanket thing.

Darn: I'm surprised Todd didn't rip it apart in front of Tommy while telling him Marcie was dead.

Jase: Oh, you.

Jase: Even yoooouuu admitted T&B melted your heart a few months ago.

Darn: Because for once he acted like a DECENT person.

Jase: What was he supposed to do, give the baby up?

Jase: Todd would never do that.

Darn: That's the problem with characters like Todd, they act decent for an episode and you have to praise them. People like Marcie fuck up for a few months and suddenly they're "just like Todd". It's just not true.

Darn: No, I wouldn't expect him to, that doesn't mean I can't dislike him for the way he's acted.

Jase: I don't just praise Todd when he's decent, I praise him when he's indecent because I like the character. That's in character, he does good things and horrible things. And yes, I do think Marcie in a way began to resemble Todd with her thoughtless and self obsessed actions.

Jase: She's not a rapist or murderer, but she was doing Todd-like things.

Darn: She kidnapped a baby, what other sort of Todd-like things did she do?

Jase: I don't think you can't dislike him but you have to admit he has another side to the character. He's had a bunch of scenes in the last couple months talking about how maybe Marcie is right, maybe he should let it go, he's a monster, blah blah blah.

Jase: She held Viki at gunpoint.

Darn: And she didn't kidnap Tommy to "punish" anyone the way Todd did when he took Blair's baby, she took him out of a desire to protect him.

Jase: In the end it started to become about punishing Todd and Michael.

Jase: She kept calling Michael up one last time to tell him he would never see them again and demanding money, come on, WTF?

Darn: Todd and his "I'm so awful, wah, wah, wah" bullshit has been going on for years.

Darn: I'm sorry but comparing Marcie to Todd is trying too hard to make her just as bad as him.

Jase: ANYONE who told her this was not good for the baby she had to yell at.

Jase: I don't think she's as bad as him. I do think she was going down that road.

Jase: Excuse me, I have to go find a bottle I can break so we can continue this discussion with me brandishing one end of it.

Jase: This is like Hannity & Colmes.

Darn: She wasn't anywhere near him, even at the end. And holding Viki hostage was horrible but didn't Todd hold half the town hostage with a fake bomb? And as everyone said Marcie wasn't going to hurt Viki, even Viki knew that.

Jase: Michael didn't, John didn't. Marcie didn't.

Darn: Oh come now. Tell me when desperation and intention became the same thing.

Jase: Why did any of them believe she could do it?

Darn: Because she was desperate, that's the only reason. Unlike Todd who when he hurts people does it with intent.

Jase: Because yeah, if not for Michael and Viki I think that could've ended with Marcie eating a gun.

Darn: I doubt they were thinking "If Viki talks smack to her she's gonna get a bullet to the knee."

Jase: Well, let's get meta, does Britney Spears hurt people with intent? I doubt it but she still hurts them.

Jase: And it's still not acceptable.

Darn: Of course not but you keep saying she was approaching Todd levels of awful.

Jase: I think you're supposed to draw parallels, yes. Marcie has spent all her time saying she could never do as Todd did, yet there she is pointing a gun at Viki and asking for a chopper.

Darn: Marcie's few months of being on the run and ONE NIGHT of a complete break from reality don't compare to years of destructive behavior, SORRY.

Jase: No it doesn't, but it doesn't excuse her, either.

Jase: I feel very sorry for her and I thought she was heartbreaking this last week, but still, I'm not sorry she's paying.

Darn: I'm not asking for her to be excused but she certainly has reasons for what she did. And the only reason I want her to pay is because it makes for a good story, not necessarily because she deserves it.

Jase: Okay then.

Jase: I am going to go throw a wastebasket through the window of the pizza parlor of your soul.

Enclosed from Jase: A special glimpse at somebody from OLTL's past courtesy of Shakespeare In The Park - Ellen Holly (a.k.a. Carla Hall) as Regan in King Lear with James Earl Jones.

AMC - Black People on Daytime? NO WAY!

Awwwwwww...

That picture is just too cute for words.

If you're a regular ABC Daytime viewer you might be unaware that Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams, the legendary Angie and Jesse Hubbard, daytime's first (and frankly, only) black supercouple is returning to All My Children this week. I'm sure you're well aware that THE REAL GREENLEE RETURNS IN THREEEEEEEEEEE DAYS! because as we all know Greenlee Smythe and Rebecca Budig touched a vital nerve in pop culture and will remain discussed and beloved 20 years from now for her thrilling, historic storyline and non-Emmy winning role. Surely.

I don't think I've ever told this story here but I'm actually named after Darnell Williams. Yes, my name is Darnell hence the Darn. I thought it was clever, I was 12, sue me. So yeah, Angie and Jesse were HOOGE when I was born and my mom was a fan. I guess that's why I've always felt this connection to them even though I was 5 when he died on the show and have only seen clips of them.

It angers me beyond belief how little promotion they've received compared to Rebecca Budig's return. The fact is that Greenlee has been back for half a year now and frankly she wasn't missed. Angie and Jesse have been gone for twenty years and returning portrayed by the original Emmy winning actors. They were once a cornerstone of the show and they've barely been mentioned over the blare of the return of the Greenlee effin' Smythe. It's a travesty. But what can I expect of ABCD run by the devil?

SIGH.

But their history and talent has me unbelievably excited. About ALL MY CHILDREN? Can you belieeeeeeeeeeeve it?

I can't.

Some beautiful person on YouTube posted one of the episodes Soapnet showed over the weekend featuring Angie and Jesse, here are the vids:

OLTL - DEAR BRITTANY UNDERWOOD

Dear Brittany Underwood,

During last year's unbelievably godawful "Prom Night" storyline on OLTL (sorry, but it was), we (Darn and Jase) gave you and Jason Tam a lot of crap for your goofy-ass musical performance. Your story seemed really ridiculous to us and a waste of space. It was (to us), but you weren't. You, or someone posing as you, posted a reply on our blog entry saying you were sorry we didn't like it and that you had worked very hard, etc etc. And we're sure you did! It's not your fault OLTL had no taste back then. The point is, we feel bad. See, since that time, OLTL has really improved thanks to Ron Carlivati, your new headwriter (who is now striking, and if I see him on the street, I will buy him a Danish and give him subway fare). Ron Carlivati has made my show great again. He's also given you, yes you, a very, very good storyline, and Langston is now a big favorite of ours. You have risen to the challenge. Your scenes with Robin Strasser a while ago were excellent, and you are really being made a great part of the Cramers, sort of a fish out of water. We love that Starr is getting back to being a bitchy sort of Starr, and we love that it looks like you two are going to bust up big time over Cole. I mean, we still think Cole's pretty useless, but the capability for ~*DRAMA*~ is going to be awesome.

Also, I've (Jase) come to realize that Jason Tam is in fact unbearably hot, and a good actor. I see his ads for A Chorus Line on TV all the time, and if faced with him in public I would embarrass myself given that he is at least five or six years younger than me but damn. Damn, damn, damn. Anyway, we just wanted to say we are sorry we gave you a hard time, even though your story really was bad back then, because you're great now. You were always good, it was just the writing. And the terrible singing and dancing. I'm sure you can actually dance and sing in real life. At least I hope so. Just don't do that snakey neck thing you did. I doubt you will see this entry, but we just wanted to put it out in the world donchaknow. Also, if Jason Tam ever wants to date a misanthropic blogger who is either (a) angry and black or (b) neurotic, spoiled and Jewish, he knows where to email us. In conclusion:


with Jarn seal of approval:


We approve. You are the freak. Signed, Jase & Darn (Jarn)

Y&R - OMG! LOL!

(click to enlarge)

Jack's head, I'd like you to meet your new body. Say hello!

You gotta be KIDDING me with this shit.

I might watch this if only for the lolz.

Y&R - Boywhat?

So jase got this comment on one of his entries:

Please spread the word on the Y&R botcott that is happening on the week of August 20th.

Here are the official details:

GET THE WORD OUT- THERE WILL BE A WEEK-LONG BOYCOTT OF "THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS BEGINNING AUGUST 20TH
TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO WATCHES Y&R TO WATCH General Hospital that week.
It's not enough that we not watch YR that week. We, must endorse another soap in order to overtake YR that week in the ratings. GH is the easiest, non-CBS soap to accomplish this task because it's the highest rated show on ABC.
It's only one week that could send a powerful message to LML and TPTB at CBS Daytime.

I'm sorry, but jigga what? I haven't watched Y&R in months, true, but have you seen GH? I appreciate the sentiment, for realz yo but again, have you SEEN GH? It's like trading in botulism for leprosy, it's all bad.

I don't mean to be an ass, I'm all for knocking some sense into those people but really, watching GH is not gonna help anybody but GH. Caterwauling banshee Carly, whorey Liz (you're more worried over that punkass bitch Jason than your own husband? Ugh, shut up.) and Sonny and that lady dropped in from some sad second-rate romcom (even though the actress is well-talented, the whole story is trite and treated indifferently, much like Sonny! Perfection!)? No, thanks, mofo.

While I appreciate the sentiment and goal I can't support the boycott. I think simply not watching the show would help things a bit more.

OLTL - Monday - Clockwork Cringing

Now imagine that less smiley and more black. This is gonna be fun! Yeah! I'm pumped! A whole week of being forced to watch OLTL! I AM SO THRILLED BY THE POSSIBILITIES!

I hate you, jase.

I actually watch OLTL pretty regularly. Regular like a woman's cycle. 3 days out of a month. Was that gross? Sorry.

FIRST OF ALL, I used to watch OLTL daily when Jen was alive and I am sorry but this shit needs to stop. I am fucking sick of the Jen retrospective every 6 fucking months. Buck the fuck up, Lindsay, you didn't even like the little tramp that much anyway, admit. Why are we constantly treated to rememberances of Jen? I'd appreciate it if anyone liked Jen but she was pretty much universally hated. Not just by fans either, look at the show, the same 3 people mourn her all the damn time.

Jen was proficient at one thing: Sucking. At life, on the dirty hosebeast...basically bitch was a plunger.

Onto more current annoying things, Miles. Or as I like to call him Retard in Motion. And not the bad retard, I mean retarded as in truly retarded, like emotionally. Being ugly made him completely ignorant of how the world works? His whole "What is this thing between my legs? WHAT DOES IT DO, MOMMYMARTY? Why does it HURT SO GOOD?!" schtick is possibly the most ill-conceived character trait I've ever seen. It pains me to watch him learn how to breathe and talk and eat like a real live boy.

Speaking of painful John and Marty are in a word: Motherfucking Horrendous. I'd start with Marty but really the more you write about Marty the closer you wish for the sweet embrace of death. And John...John is ridiculous. On every level. He certainly looks it with the perpertually pursed lips and his hands bolted to his hips, you know Michael Easton thinks he's fucking Superman.

"Sorry, Nats, no fat chicks."

No, Melissa Archer is not fat, she's beautiful even if her hair did look like refried shit today and she had to act out a stupid scene about foundations or some such nonsense. It's cute that Natalie is working at Buchana Enterprises. Does Jess work at The Banner? Does she work at all? I like her and Nash by the way. They're cute. And they made Antonio cry, score!

Now I'd comment on the Viki/Dorian/Clint scenes but then I'd have to criticize Erika Slezak's acting and Jerry ver Dorn un-Clintness and talk about how young, beautiful and fantastic Robin Strasser is all the time and well, that just wouldn't be fair, would it? She does look fantastic though.

And for jase, again.

SEXMEWANT! BIGNIPPLESMEHAVE!



NEEDSUMMERJOB!



TERRIBLYUNTALENTED! ARGGGGH!

OLTL - We're The Freak

jase: Ooh, Youtube clips are up of today's shitty musical. And the parts I liked.

Darn: Link me to Marko and Langston's song please.

jase: Why do you want to watch THAT again?

Darn: I loved it, in the worst way.

jase: That was the worst of them all.

jase: Those other two had redeeming qualities.

Darn: Oh but I loved it. It was so fucking bad.

jase: Let me see...



jase: I love how they tried to go 80s electro/boogaloo. I was like, "I literally CANNOT believe One Life to Live is doing this."

jase: I was so mortified.

Darn: OMG, Blair and Starr are a total Summer Eve commercial.

jase: HAHA.

Darn: AWWWW...TEARS.

jase: ?

Darn: Pics of little Starr.

jase: KDP does have a beautiful voice even if I hate Blair singing.

Darn: This is why seeing the kids grow up is so nice.

jase: That's why I get so angry when idiots are like "ooh Starr is played out, so ugly and unattractive, Langston and Britney are DA FOOCHA!"

Darn: Even if Starr isn't Starr anymore at the very least she's the centerpiece of this story.

jase: Doesn't matter.

jase: The reason she is is because she's out of character as that person.

Darn: Oh, Brandon Buddy doesn't sound too bad.

jase: I haven't heard him sing and am avoiding it.

Darn: What is on Starr's dress?

jase: Two guesses.

Darn: My mind is going to awful jokes.

Darn: Bukkake?

jase: Dip. David and Dorian had a food fight.

Darn: Oh, cute.

jase: The link I sent you, the user I think has the entire episode in clips.

Darn: How many songs did they write? Seriously, we have 3 more days of this?

jase: Seriously, hasn't it been 8 or so already?

jase: Songs.

Darn: It's crazy.

Darn: This song is so fucking somber. Are these kids in a suicide pact?

jase: What song?

Darn: The last one on Friday.

jase: Didn't see.

jase: I just realized Langston and Markko are Slater and Jesse. Points for originality!

Darn: Nah, they're not Slater and Jesse.

jase: Yes, they are. Street dude, counterculture girl.

Darn: Jesse was like militant feminist bookworm.

Darn: Langston colors her hair.

jase: They're essentially the same IMHO.

Darn: Slater was not this gay and Slater was HOT so there.

jase: Yes, troo.

jase: Langston's Sebastian the Crab dance at the beginning of this number with Markko is awful. And her singing and the lyrics.

jase: "We found no actual suitably Latino youngsters we deemed 'safe' for white teenagers, so we hired this Native American kid."

Darn: Haha, Native American.

jase: He is! I swear. I'm awful.

Darn: WTF is this?

Darn: Starr, Langston and Brittany being surrounding by extras with sheets.

jase: Yeah, ridiculous.

jase: But the song was okay.

Darn: Yeah, it's like a mid-tempo pop rock song.

jase: And the "extreme" cuts to commercial work for once. They spend so much time on all this that could be fun and gay and campy with the cast we care about, but waste it on just these kids.

Darn: "I'll criticize you." I love whatever they did to his voice.

jase: You mean nothing?

jase: Well, he clearly could never sing so they don't bother. He's this mostly mute dancing thing.

Darn: "That's very special"

Darn: This is SO GREAT.

jase: "I'm so special, so very very special." I wanted to punch her in the face.

jase: Her singing and dancing there is AWFUL. But she's cute for the rest of it.

jase: I like the dyke who says "we get freak-ay" and that twink.

Darn: I like how the dancers took a break from making amateur porn to do a soap.

jase: HAHA, I told you they were Frank Valentini's old tricks.

jase: And some friends of Susan Flannery from the bar.

Darn: I see you kicking back and chilling [BRUSH YOUR SHOULDER OFF] think yo style is the best.

jase: "We like to get around I may be different from the rest." WHAT?

Darn: This whole back and forth reminds me of Teen Witch.

jase: Yeah, but Dan Gauthier was there.

Darn: "Like, whenever" THIS IS FANTASTIC!

jase: I like the more middle aged of Markko's "friends" too.

jase: "I got to give it. give it. give it. backtoYOU."

Darn: Oh god, Marko is cute to me now.

jase: Jesus Christ.

jase: Stop drinking, Ray Charles.

Darn: Oh come on, you like Spinelli.

jase: Spinelli didn't do this shit.

Darn: Yeah but I mean, shut up.

jase: NICE DEFENSE.

jase: You keep lusting after Warpath.

Darn: HAHAHAHA!

Darn: Bastard.

Darn: Marcie and her fabulous Las Vegas revue.

jase: Marcie's number is the best because of the unbelievable GAY of all the dancers and her voice and looks.

Darn: Love how they write a song called "Chemistry" for kids who have none.

jase: She was a knockout. Why isn't she like that all the time?

jase: Thanks, now I can't stop listening to the worst number.

Darn: BEST worst number.

jase: Haha, let's both recycle all our comments tenfold on TWOP.

Darn: Yes, well, like I should waste all this on you.

Darn: TIS GOLD!

jase: Or I on you.

jase: OOHHH ONE UP MANSHIP! I feel a Freak dance number coming on!

jase: You are Markko, I am Langston!

Darn: Okay!

Darn: You go first!

jase: No, that's all I got.

jase: I can't write songs, bitch you crazy.

Darn: Neither can they.

jase: I would have to be somewhat drunk to even attempt that.

jase: Which...could be arranged but never mind.

jase: Dammit, NOW I HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN.

Darn: I have it on rotation.

Darn: I need this on MP3.

jase: I'm sure they'll sell the CD.

jase: Which means we will be endorsing this shit. SO MUCH FOR THE HINSEY LETTER.

jase: Somewhere out there Frank is watching this number groping himself, reading the boards, like, "yeah, suck it Jase."

Darn: And I will...NOT BUY IT, are you insane?

jase: "We like to get around/I may be different from the rest." Yeah, still not a acceptable lyric.

jase: The vapid Flock Of Seagulls twink dancing with the dyke shoulda been Cole, that would be class.

jase: Hilarious.

Darn: Oh definitely.

jase: Red hair, it all fits!

Darn: Marcie should have sung this part to Marko and Cole "There's a part of you that's growing..."

jase: Alright, clearly we can't let this pass without some kind of official blog entry.

jase: We can't stop talking about it.

jase: But I don't know what to do.

Darn: Me either!

jase: Dammit.

Darn: They really don't grasp how out of place this all is in-between the Klan attempting to kill the minorities, do they?

jase: HAHA, APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT!

jase: I was pondering that earlier.

jase: I love when they cut back to these somber ass scenes of Talia and Bo talking about murderous white supremacists.

jase: ...Are you ogling Apache Super-Chief again?

Darn: Yes, actually.

Darn: But what should we do?!

jase: I have no idea. We'd have to write our own parts, but...but...

jase: It will be so forced.

jase: I don't know songwriting, much less for a duo.

Darn: I wouldn't even know where to begin.

jase: Me neither.

jase: Clearly us beginning it with banter like "Yo Darn! Why you so black?" "Yo Jase! Why you such a Jew?" would be a bad start.

Darn: I...kind of like that.

jase: Uh, I don't think that would play with "the fans." All six.

jase: "I keep my fellas ready." I'm sure you do, Markko.

Darn: Didn't he say "posse"?

jase: No, he says fellas later.

Darn: Oh.

jase: KEEP TRACK

Darn: INORITE?! MY BAD!

jase: INORITEDARN! INORITE!

jase: "But.when.you.get.allflirtyonme.I.don't.know.what.to.do."

Darn: I think he sounds sexy now.

jase: Jesus CHRIST.

Darn: Good lord, what is wrong with me?

jase: ...Pray more.

Darn: What is the actor's name?

jase: James Proudstar, WHAT THE FUCK, Darnell. Seriously though, it is awful that he is like the only major minority character in the setup. Any other non-white characters are the extras.

edit: For anyone who does not yet despise me, it should now be noted that the actor playing Markko is actually Hawaiian, not Native American. His name is Jason Tam, and judging by the pix Darn dug up in his horny Google quest, he actually has a really nice body. This is so Jason Tam will not come beat me up. Thanks.

Daytime Emmys V: Slow Death

Darn (10:53:30 PM): None of them deserve it so why are we...why?

Jase (10:53:40 PM): GL does more than most, knew it.

Jase (10:53:46 PM): Is the other award to save face for Frons?

Darn (10:54:02 PM): I dunno, GH isn't even nominated.

Darn (10:54:08 PM): And that's all he cares about.

Darn (10:54:22 PM): Okay, all of y'all do not need to be up there.

Darn (10:54:47 PM): OKAY, MOVE IT ALONG.

Darn (10:54:53 PM): I haven't even ate today.

Jase (10:54:58 PM): It's far from a perfect show but they seem to really be trying.

Jase (10:54:59 PM): Me, barely.

Jase (10:55:05 PM): HAHA, SUCK IT BRIAN!

Darn (10:55:07 PM): Oh...little yay.

Darn (10:55:20 PM): Stupid show winning the Emmy, now LML is gonna stay.

Darn (10:55:23 PM): For fuck's sake.

Jase (10:55:29 PM): I'm just glad ABC lost.

Darn (10:55:32 PM): SIT DOWN, WOMAN, I HATE YOU.

Jase (10:55:40 PM): My network needs to stop being coddled with GH awards.

Jase (10:56:09 PM): Wow, Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat joined Y&R!

Darn (10:56:14 PM): I see now why the people backstage are backstage.

Darn (10:56:52 PM): So undeserved but look at the competition.

Darn (10:56:58 PM): Now the show just...ends.

Darn (10:57:11 PM): Why wasn't Rachael Ray just made the host?

Darn (10:57:16 PM): Whatever, slow death.

Jase (10:57:47 PM): "Everyone please use the service entrance, there is a bar mitzvah upstairs! No, just the one entrance!"

Jase (10:57:57 PM): "The dogs will be released in fifteen minutes! Ten!"

Y&R - Nick Newman Dies And The World Rolls It's Eyes

Or sobs uncontrollably. Whatevs.

Hey, if I wrote Y&R I wouldn't give Amelia Heinle dialogue either, so LML and I are on the same page there. And indulge me in a tired joke and superficiality but...

Now I'm a known Peter Bergman fan but no. No. Those scenes were overblown and dumb. And pointless, the heffa is alive. And I don't care.

And okay, let's do a wordless crying scene with Don Diamont. YEAH, OKAY, THAT'LL WORK. The guy can't convey emotions when someone is writing for him, what makes them think he can do it with just stage direction? Good lord, the bad decisions on this show just keep coming.

Someone on the Y&R thread at TWOP compared him to a Transformer and I concur.

"I have five fingers and one big tool, pick a violation."

Nikki sure did go through the stages of grief quickly. She's already blaming Victor. It's all so silly. Wouldn't it have been nice of Victor and Nikki to stop by the tackhouse, you know since it's ON THE SAME PROPERTY AS THEIR HOME.

I am so sick of this show's manipulation. Nick's been as dull as wallpaper and half as bright for about two years now, you expect me to be sad over his death? How about giving him a personality and a purpose first.

Clearly I am full of too much hatred and unforgiveable blackness to watch this show.

Y&R - Thursday - Live Blogging

I have not watched Y&R in a month so be kind.

12: 30: Oh wow, Billy Warlock. Hey, Billy, how's it going? I like you but a 40 something year old man going by Billy is kinda sad, babe. Almost as sad as Nikki.

12: 33: Speaking of, somebody got a haircut. It's nice. The long hair was porn-ish. Hillary keeps it short and sweet. And not just cause she likes the kitty, no, because that's what grown-ups do.

Phyllis is on trial? What for now? The blackmail? That's dumb.

12: 36: Was Daniel looking at porn on a PUBLIC COMPUTER? Dumbass. Is that shit genetic? Dumb mother, dumb son. Don't get knocked up, Ugily.

Ugh, Daniel is a pig. What has happened to my Dily? Motherfucker.

12: 39: Doesn't the DA have like murders and gangrapes and shit to deal with? I'm sure the sexy, sexy blakmail of that hot stud Brad Carlton and that sexy bitch Sharon Newman is at the top of his fucking list.

Michael is so gay. I mean that in the best way, he's gay, fantastically gay. I don't even know what they're talking about, actually I do, I just don't care. Most of my focus is on Michael's facial expressions, they range from fabulously incredulous to splendidly smug. Now I ask, why does he has to be defending the Teflon red-head?

12: 43: Victoria looks all brokedown and ugly.

Oh, she had a miscarriage, that explains it.

Wow, I'm heartless. I don't care even a little bit. Though I think it's cruel to have a pregnant actress act out a miscarriage story.

12: 47:
Lily: OMG, DANIEL! STAHHHHHP LYING!
Daniel: What? I'm nawt!
Lily: SO ARE!

Lord, this is boring. I wanted to do a whole dialogue but they're giving me nothing to work with!

12: 50: Amelia Heinle is awful. There's not much more to it.

12: 54: With the way the light is hitting Don Dismont's head it looks like he's wearing a yalmulke. Haha, I want Brad to wear a yarmulke in every scene. That's funny, right? That's funny.

12: 55:
Lily: DANYUL! GORRRSH!
Daniel: Lily!
Lily: PORN, DANYUL, PORN!
Daniel: Okay, okay, this wouldn't be a problem if you gave me a bl--
Lily: OMG, GROSS!
Daniel: I'm sick of having sex in the dark covered head to toe in plastic!
Lily: OMG, PENIS, NO! OH MAH GAWD, PEEEEENIS, NO!

1: 00: Haha, Joshua Morrow looks like a monkey. A hot, half human monkey. Like he's the ostricized monkey on the Planet of the Apes. Uh, the ostricized ape. "You don't fit in here, Josh! Not hairy enough!".

Okay, it's bad enough sleeping with a married woman but a pregnant married woman? Good going, Jeffrey Todd.

1: 16: Phyllis is forever trying to start shit. Okay, we get it, you're a baaaad girl. Whatever. Shut up, ho.

1: 17: Lily looks like a pterodactyl, no? Thanks, Dee!

1: 24: Who is this bland brunette mess? Oh, it's Victoria. Why is she even letting Brad touch her?

Oh, are Nick and Sharon gonna have elicit plane sex?

When did Nick become a fucking talk-to? You have a problem, bring it to effin' Nick Newman! Because he's so smart and full of good advice. Please. Dude can barely walk upright.

1: 27: Oh, that shit with Jack "I OWN JABOT!" Abbott has finally come out? Aaaaand it lands with a...thud.

Y&R - Announcement

Oh hai thur y'all, quick post, the blog is NOT dead. It's on...hiatus (I guess that's what you call not watching Y&R in 3 weeks). At least on my part.

Y&R - Thursday - Blogging Live

12:30 : Ooooh, Jackie's mad, he's making the "Fffffffff [uck me, ohmygod, life is crazy! CRA-ZEE!]" face.

12:33 : Michael just said "odious piece of garbage" and Amber wasn't even in the room! But it was in reference to her stupidity so points to Mikey (you bastard).

12:35 : Didn't Daniel drop Neil off at home yesterday? I'm pretty sure he did. Yeah, he did. So now Neil is missing and "never even went home last night.". Alright, fine, whatever.

12:39 : Who knew whiskey could make you grow balls? Good on you, Neil. You look like shit by the way, thanks for committing Kristoff.

HI LIV! YOUR WEAVE IS SO NICE, I'M SHOCKED, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY, HOW YA BEEN? HAVE A SEAT! DOCTORS WITHOUT WHAT? OKAY, ANGELINA!

Okay, this is good, I can't make fun. I'm all engaged and stuff.

12:43 : Michael talking to Amber like she's stupid (which she so is) just became the highlight of my life.

Shouldn't Kevin be at work? And why are you not dead yet, Gloria? Stop being so damn selfish.

12:48 : Gloria: I want to make him aware of some of my..."finer attributes".
What, like your tits? Yeah, I went there and now I regret it. My apologies.

12:50 : I'm engaged again, don't mind me.

And then ThatPersonThing enters the scene and I remember what I'm watching. Great.

12:57 : Alcohol doesn't make you inhumane. It draws out something that's already inside you. Katherine. You stole Jill's baby because you hated her, not because of "demons".

And Jill is justified in her hatred of Kay. I wish she'd hate her a little more.

Amber just glossed over a lot of shit. You don't go from "I lost a baby and raised my cousin's baby." to "And he was taken from me." not when A LOT OF SHIT happened inbetween. Like you passing off the kid as your own. And hooking up with the bio dad. And not telling you cousin she was dying of cancer. And about a million other things you did, Amber.

1:06 : Holy shit, Amber. Inappropriate! But Daniel doesn't seem to mind. Or act effected at all by Dru's death.

Did or did not Kevin just decide to stop spying on the Jabot boardroom? This show can't even be consistent within the hour.

1:10 : Victor needs a haircut.

I like that Neil is crushed without Dru. Because really, who is he without Dru? Fast forwardable that's what. Except for now.

1:15 : Amber shutting down her website doesn't remove it from history. People have downloaded videos of you doing...whatever it is you did to yourself. Or have let done to you. So there's evidence and you just wasted your time. Silly ho, tricks are for...you.

I like Ji Min but seriously, you're Jack's employee, do your fucking job.

1: 22 : Oh man, Amber's videos would be magic if they were straight parodies Brenda Dickson's "Welcome to My Home".

Amber: Do you like these shoes? I call them Fuck Me Pumps, everyone in the land of Hollywood has a pair.

1:23 : The Baldwin/Fishers can't die soon enough. I hate them ALMOST as much as I hate the Carey hos on All My Children.

1:27 : Neil is so gangsta. He drinks his liquor from coffee cups. I'm serious, I like that. I don't know why.

Y&R - Cockeyed

Honest to god, I have nothing to say.

Y&R - Lateness

I was thinking today about the number of times I've said "I hate this show.", "I hope this show dies right effin' now!", "I hope this show has a long and painful death." and "Fuck this show! I'm outta here!" (you'd be surprised the number of times I've said variations of these phrases over the past year...or not. Probably not.) but I was thinking, which is dangerous to be quite honest. Anyway, I was thinking, you don't ever stop watching your show, you start loving it less. It's not one event that makes you go "I'm done. DONE!", it's a series of events over a long period of time. And with soaps you give chances because quality fluctuates, stories go in and out. The problem is when you find you don't care at all. And I am extremely close to that point. I might actually be there.

Let's look at the stories we have going:

Jack and Nikki's race to the senate: Neither of them should be running, logically it doesn't make sense. And yes, it's a soap opera but Nikki is a former stripper, that's not being amongst "regular folks". Newsflash, even regular folks look down on strippers. Especially ones that married above their social class. And Jack, man of a million wives (one of which is his the woman he's running against). Jack would have been an ideal candidate...30 years ago.

Colleen and Korbel: Please.

And it's all about the Hellbel, anyways. What. What.

Daniel's porn addiction: Yeah, no, what? He watches porn for about 3 weeks and this causes him to fail one class and get an incomplete in another? What was he doing the other 2-3 months? Sucking his thumb?

Sharon and Brad's oddly asexual sexual attraction: Why don't you just fuck a toaster, Sharon? I bet you it'd get you there before Brad.

Phyllis Like Totally Hates Lauren (and sometimes Michael too): Get over it. Did I miss Lauren's reaction to finally ridding herself of her mortal enemy? Oh, I didn't? It just never really happened, huh? It was about Phyllis her immaturity, wasn't it? O. I. C. Believe me, I understand her anger, it's not unnatural. What it is is petty and off-base. Just tell them how you feel, this middle school stuff just makes you look silly.

The Demolition of the Winters: Yeah, who's watching for Neil, Devon and ThatPersonThing? Not me. It's like the Newmans without Victor, just Nikki and her dumpy children. Or the Baldwin-Fishers without Lauren, just a bunch of crazy people talking crazy about crazy crazy. Or the Abbots without Joh--oh, wait.

And there's some other stuff with AMBER, katherine, jill and her maybe son cane.

But who cares about that really?

It's weird hanging onto a show based solely on past appreciation. I love these characters. Most of them. But they are so warped to fit lames stories that my ability to care is just shot. It's expelled. Run out. Not here no mo'.

Y&R - Tuesday - Whore Vs Whore

Y&R inspired me in so many ways today. Well, a few ways. Two ways. Two. But still inspirational!

In the spirit of fairness, although I am unapologetically a Jackboy (sorry), I decided to create some campaign buttons for both candidates, ENJOY!







And because Nikki's hair brought absolute, unadulterate, mind-tingling, loins gasping, thighs sweltering joy to millions I give you...a dialogue:

Darn: Oh, hai thur, ho thur Nikki!



Nikki: Hi Darn! Smooches!
D: Nikki, baby, papa starvin'!
N: Oh my poor baby, I can help!


D: Oh-Emm-Gee, thank you babe!
N: Not a problem, darlin'!
D: Now you know I can't have this without some coffee!
N: Who loves you?



D: You do! Okay, I don't mean to sound ungrateful but cruellers aren't my faves--
N: Sounds like a job for Nikki!


D: Oh...wow. You're amazing. Yum-o!

[munch, munch, munch]

D: Hey, got anymore pastries?



D: I said PASTRIES, woman!
N: Hey, I had a spare. [shrug]

Y&R - Friday - Blogging Live

12:30 : Looks like mother and daughter have something in common: Bitchery. It's nice to know business doesn't interfere with their personal lives until...it does. And then they act like children.

12:32 : If Neil wasn't so devoid of personality I would totally be down with Dru/Neil and Sharon/Jack being bestest buddies and my favorite couples on this show. Damn you, Neil!

12: 35: Nikki and Victoria need to grows the fucks ups. "Well, we're gonna show you guys! Hmph!"

12: 37: OMG, KORBLEEN, MAH SCREEN SHE IS ON FIYAH! MAH SEXUAL MUSCLES ARE MELTIN'!

That is the last time I mention my sexual muscles. Ew.

Remember when JT was the bad boy with a heart of gold who was the only person to show up to Colleen's recital? I do.

12:40: Haha! Kowbell! Someone's a TWOP fan. I'm pretty "Whatever" to Colleen (except to make fun of their fans enthusiasm for them, I still love you guys, smooch) but JT is on the money with Korbel's superiority complex.

Not crazy about Dru's flat and listless hair. Though the V-Necks are working. Whirr-kin.

12:42: Brad: Vicky's staying in a hotel tonight.
Victor: I know from angryandvengefulwives. She'll be backonyourjocktootsweet myboy. Tootsweet!

12:47: It's kinda funny how no one is happy for Sharon and Jack except for Dru and Neil.

Oh my god, Nikki and Vicki STFU! Have you met Victor Newman? He doesn't give a shit what anyone anywhere thinks! If it didn't originate from his old man mind (those damn kids!) then it isn't a good idea! This "HOW DARE HE?!" and "I AM SHOCKED!" shit just looks absurd.

12:50: Go to hell, Phyllis.

12:55: AH DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, KORBLEEN ARE TALKIN' BUT ALL I CAN HEAR IS--OH OH OH M,Y GAWD SHE PUT HER HAND ON HIS KNEE! HANDJOB, ANYONE? ANYONE? OHMAHGAWDYOUGUYS!

Colleen has a blog? Shout-out? Fuck yes. I bet it's a MySpace, with pink streamers and sparkly puppies. And Britney from like 1999 playing even when you press stop on the auto-player.

1:00: When the fuck was Brad supportive? When was he even honest with you? How I wish the RELIQUARY never happened but it DID and Brad is not some perfect husband. What was the point of that year long shit if it didn't cause any cracks in their marriage? Brad makes a business decision that goes against Victoria and he's suddenly the Big Bad but Brad has a past that NEARLY GETS HER FAMILY KILLED and she's "Okies, baby, I unnerstan yer posishunn!"? That makes no sense.

1:09: Maggie and Phyllis are in a constant battle over who had the less manly face. I think Maggie wins this round, she looks pretty.

Neil is the most efficient house negro around. You drive that carriage, boy!

1:12: Nikki has yet to teach her daughter the ways of the abusive relationship. You go back as soon as fucking possible.

OT: I can't believe Amelia Heinle and Thad Luckinbill got married just cause she's knocked up. How Puritanical of them. What is it, 1950?

1:16: NO MORE KORBLEEN YOU'RE TOO HOT ICAN'TSTANDIT! THIS SHOW, THIS SHOW, THIS SHOW IS ON FIYAH! WHAT'S THAT SMELL? OH IT'S JUST MY CROTCH IN FLAAAAAMES!

You know what I like to discuss post-coital? My ex-lovahs.

1:25: I like Vincent Irizarry but he just looks so...

Yeah.

1: 27: Yeah, okay, Phyllis, you think Nick's blank expression means he's thinking. Sorry hon but no. You married a mannequin come to life. You married Kim Cattrall. Accept it, embrace it, use him for his body.

Y&R - Tuesday - Mina Murray Has Competition

In Gloria's case scarves only have one purpose: Strangling.

How funny are Gloria and Jill judging clothing? I love Jill but half the time she looks like a damn gypsy. How many necklaces and bracelets can one woman wear? My neck and wrists are having sympathy pains. As for Gloria I just assume she has Bob Mackie throw up on her every morning.

Gypsy



Tramp



Thief

Also gypsy and tramp.

Nikki's hair? What? WHAT? Is it 1985? Is she in a mall? Get me something from Cinnabun! I'm waiting patiently for the side ponytail.

The one thing missing from Sharon's ensemble? Eyepatch.

Nikki: So Victoria, now that the boys went to the washroom, I don't know why they went together but they did, I have a question for you.
Victoria: Okay, shoot, mom.
Nikki: Does Brad do that...thing?
Victoria:...thing?
Nikki: Yeah, that thing he does. You know, that thing.
Victoria: I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Nikki: Okay, okay, let me show you [Nikki stands] you climb on the bed, right? On all fours, being just on your knees isn't comfortable at ALL, so you're on your knees and he gets behind you. Now you have to make he's cut his nails because, ouch! Hahaha! Okay, he comes up behind you like this [Nikki puts her legs akimbo and scoots forward] and kinda just [Nikki makes a thrusting motion with her hands] and you're like "Wow!" so he--
Victoria: MOM!
Nikki: What? What did I do?

General Warning: Never let Amber sit on your couch. If you have to ask why then you deserve to have Amber sit on your couch.

"You, I lust. You, I love. What ever am I to do?"

If someone had told me Daniel was going to be into beastiality I wouldn't have bothered liking him in the first place.

Y&R - Doo Doo Brown

Hey guys! I know it's been a while but busy, busy, busy (lie, lie, lie)! Anyway, I got this in mail today, it was shipped to me through UPEx, which is apparently, after some exhaustive Googling, some sort of low-rent shipping company. This was sent like 5 weeks ago. From Hawaii. I know.

Okay, so I opened it and I say to myself "Toilet paper? For realy-o's? My ass ain't itchy.". Yeah, I said that. Out loud. You wanna fight?

Back to my package, turns out that no one thinks I have a continence problem, they just wanted to share their story, I took this picture to pass along their tale to the world...

(Click for clarity)

And just because I think this picture is fucking hilarious, here ya go:



Oh fuckitall, this is just gonna be a picture post, I don't care anymore! No more! ARGH!
Shirty shirt SHIRTS! They're the same from before but I've had the links just sitting there in my Imageshack account and figured "What the hell? It's my blog, I could put up animal porn if I wanted to!".

I do not want to.

(again, click for clarity)

Edited to add: Actually don't click, they're unclickable! And I'm a dumbass.