Live Earth, or "If I Ran The Soaps..."

...So I'm not doing my final Y&R and GL posts like I should be right now, because I'm watching Live Earth all day. Just like with Live 8, I love to watch the more obscure foreign concerts in Tokyo, Brazil, Shanghai, Hamburg, etc. with acts I've never heard of that are so exotic and interesting. Toni Collette and her band were amazing in Sydney. And frankly, it beats Madonna embarrassing herself and the entire venture with her gypsy act at Wembley. Oh my God. Did you see that? It was like Inland Empire.

But the reason I bring this up here is because I needed to rehash my tired old rant that anyone who knows me knows by heart: If I ran a soap, you wouldn't need a lame prefab teen scene story this summer. Why? Because I'd just take it to Live Earth. In the story, have the kids go to Live Earth. Didn't DOOL do this in a retarded way with the Stones a couple years ago? Well, nevermind. I'm just saying. Don't spend all that fucking money on musical numbers and guest acts and choreography and songwriters. Just take a few light and easy to move with cameras to several different venues, take the young actors necessary, split the kids up at different venues, including the more obscure ones, say, one at Hamburg and Tokyo or Brazil along with two at New York and London, structure a very loose series of plot beats around the concerts, and have them communicate by their phones, showing each other - and through them, the audience - what is going on around the world at these different concerts. Run a promotional tie-in on the network website with Live Earth and a phone provider; "follow Starr and Matthew (or whoever) and the gang on their phones as they travel the globe with Live Earth." And then, in the local area, so as not to disrupt the concert, pretape most of the story material with the kids in a block, like they did with the Hawaii remote on OLTL a few years ago. Break the scenes up and string it out throughout the concert footage.

Yeah, Live Earth or any other similar global concert would probably never allow it, and they'd probably be right not to. But honestly I think it would work and be - relatively, of course I probably have no idea what I'm talking about - cheap. A few cameras, a few kids, mostly pretaped footage, and just let the concerts guide it. So you get a fun teen story, but more importantly, you can teach The Kids At Home something by watching this stuff, as well as exposing them to all sorts of music around the world they've never heard. I don't understand why TPTB spend such stuff trying to "stay on the pulse of youth" and don't think of something so simple.

...So anyway, I have been gone. Long week. I am making up for it with an extra-big Y&R post that covers most of this week, as well as an extended GL one. l8rs. Phil Collins is trying to be hardcore in London, I gotta watch that.

No Post Monday (and maybe Tuesday)

Yeah, so I'm still behind. I am too depressed by current govt events. Sorry. Soon, promise.

DOOL Weekly Recap - Let Our Plane Have Sex With You

"Look, Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone."
"Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion."

Ohhhh good times. I have been preoccupied all week long with job-hunting and doing a special week of GL and Y&R recaps - and Darn was going to be my counterpart by doing the same for OLTL and AMC, but you know, he failed - and so the sole DOOL entry this week is a weekly wrap-up! And what a week it was! It was actually a lot of fun. Anna DiMera (a.k.a. A Pimp Named Hunley) played Mata Hari to the DiMeras and quarreled with Fauxman, Kristian Alfonso displayed more life and vigor than she has in years, Steve got mad crazy on the dance floor, Nick and Chelsea had bad sex and Chelsea responded by treating him like an ancient relative with an incontinence problem, and those crazy kids on Touch The Sky Airlines continued to fuck around and make complete fools of themselves while dragging The Chels down with them. The airline shenanigans were so cheesy and ridiculous that they have become the focus of the entry, a focus I will begin to run completely into the ground starting now, with the first of several classic clips from Airplane!


"Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?"
"No."


I don't even know where to start with these kids, really. Seriously. Chelsea and Nick went upstairs to do it to it last week and this week, Chelsea looks at him like she saw him jerking off to beastiality porn. Chelsea: It's not even that serious. Now mind you, Nick is just a tad intense about it. And apparently deaf, dumb and blind regarding her body language. "Joo wuff me, Chelsee? Ah wuff yuuu. We gon build a castle inna sky madea wainbows wheh we get mawwied and have six keedz wight awaaaayyy!" Cool it, Nick. I love you, I love your personality, I love your (or rather Blake Berris') propensity to wander around in the Los Angeles sunlight with Julia Stiles with your shirt off and your board shorts hanging perilously, perilously low (big shoutout to Dreamcaps) , but after that scene Nick could make anybody a commitmentphobe. Commitment-o-phobe? Which? I don't know. But he could, is what I'm saying. It certainly doesn't help that this "NuStephanie" a.k.a. "another lame excuse for Ken Corday to cast non-actor celebrities in lame, pathetic attempts to court media attention or the fickle gaze of preteen viewers," is a complete fucking idiot. Do you remember Shayna Rose being cruel or bitchy to or about the Fallonator? I sure as shit don't! Now Stephanie can't stop riding Nick! Big-ass bouffant hairdo like a John Waters movie, fake-ass tan, and all she does is ride Chelsea's ass about becoming a brainless whore like her so Chelsea too can know the bliss of getting the brains bronco-dicked out of you by a lantern-jawed Nazi superman who is, like, part of the Russian mob garment trade. I know that's what I aspire to every summer! I would give up plasma to have Shayna Rose back. I know a lot of people didn't like her but I thought she had a unique look and style, and was a damn sight more Steve and Kayla's baby girl than this hollowed-out bitch whose sole focus in life is making Chelsea trade down for a Ken doll. I can't wait for Captain Nazi there to get her in some life-threatening situation with the DiMeras.

I won't even talk about the scenes onboard the Fuck The Sky With Our Huge Throbbing Plane jet, with randy passenger after randy passenger trying to get freaky with the girls, and of course, Stephanie starts fucking her way down the aisle. Did they have to give them those turquoise outfits straight out of the old Britney Spears Toxic video? And sorry, Jett looks like he is playing big-boy dress-up in his co-pilot uniform. I have to say, though, this whole idiotic summer story is growing on me, and why? Because while Nick is indeed getting fucked, it at least is giving him, Chelsea, and Max beaucoup screen time, and Marcus Patrick, well, while Jett is no brain trust, he at least seems to have some core of decency unlike his Aryan partner or Stephanie, and it doesn't hurt that he is also blazing hot. Plus, how can you totally hate a story where they go to so much trouble to make a cheesy fake plastic and cardboard Las Vegas skyline? The idea of a cheesy summer story - I mean, listen, there have been so many cheesy summer stories on daytime. In concept this is far from the most offensive, the whole luxury plane thing in Vegas with criminal contraband thing is so goofy it becomes enjoyable. In acting and focus, it's a mess. You've got good actors and characters like the aforementioned, who really help you enjoy the goofy story in some respects because they're there, but you've also got bad acting and bad characterization in two characters we should care about - Jeremy and Stephanie - who are just loathsome now. Plus, we're asked to care about Jett, which is one thing and entirely possible, but we're also asked to be titillated by the possibility of him and Chelsea while the very popular Nick wanes on the sidelines getting insulted, abandoned and fucked with by Kate. But don't worry about Nick, audience! Have fun with Jett and Chelsea right now! Sorry, ain't having it.


"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

Meanwhile...

The Vengabus is coming! Dah dah dah dah dah daaahhhh dah! We - like - to party! We like to - we like to party!

Ohhh SNAP! It's the highlight of the week! It's crazy dancing Steve! Crazy aging Splash clubkid Steve! Stephen Nichols, I love you. Is there nothing you can't do? Forget for a moment that I've taken issue with what I feel is the slapdash, OTT feel of this whole latest DiMera/Brady reunion tour. Steve as the double-triple-whatever agent freaking out the DiMeras and infiltrating their inner sanctum while Team Brady carries out their plan was some priceless shit. His John Travolta/Dave Chappelle fingers-to-face moves were what did it for me. "It's too real for you, Bart, ya cain't take it! Ya cain't take it, it's too real!" I'm happy to see SN happy, and frankly, high-minded concerns of strong storyline aside, this shit is just hilarious without being juvenile, as Reilly humor was.

Tony preps the reach-around.

So Steve drugs the DiMera date night, and Tony and Anna all get it. More hilarity. Thaao Penghlis (Your Ongoing Sexual Problem) is obviously so happy to be getting meaty material that does not involve him conspiring with Al Qaeda, getting attacked by a hockey-masked serial killer or dragging the exhumed corpse of his father around and talking to it. He and (A Pimp Named) Leeann Hunley clearly still love each other to bits and they just dazzled in their scenes. When Tony unwisely (as Steve hilariously notes) tells Anna that he wishes he could be the man he used to be, you remember who he used to be before the Reilly era and understand. And Anna is so phony and such a cocktail party schmoozer, and Leeann Hunley gives her just the right amount of artifice and nouveau riche put-on without making it a burlesque the way so many more recent soap gold diggers, like Judith Chapman on Y&R or Judi Evans (as Bonnie) or even, in her own way though I adore her, Ilene Kristen on OLTL, do today. But those are also all fine actresses who probably have the shoddy writing to blame at least partly. Either way, Hunley's Anna just seems to have that air of social climbing falsity effortlessly without having to spell it out in neon; you can see her trying to put off the vibe of the aristocrat around people like the Bradys, people closer to her own roots, and you can see how she become alienated from them and Roman while obviously having come from them. She even has chemistry with Josh Taylor's faux Roman, who clearly is having a good time with her too.



"All right, I'll need three men up at the tower, you, Neubauer! You, Macias!"
"Me, John, big tree!"

It's not just Thaao Penghlis and Leeann Hunley - everybody's having a good time, and that's clear when we reach the subject of Kristian Alfonso and Hope. In the recent past I've given KA a lot of shit. She's emaciated, her voice has dropped like a hundred octaves, her cheekbones could rip Bo's face off, she is humorless and going through the motions, etc etc. Not so long ago, Hope was looking kinda:

Sorry.

...Um, but now, all of a sudden, Hope's not lookin' so scary anymore. She's actually a whole lot of fun. Kristian Alfonso is clearly really, really happy. Know how I know? Cause she's screwing around. She seems physically incapable of not being constantly flirty and cute with Peter Reckell/Bo in all their "serious planning" scenes - she's having a laugh. And because she's having so much fun, you can believe Hope and Bo are still really, truly, deliriously in love again. And all of a sudden I find myself becoming a bit of a Bope fan, because she is having a ball. The earpiece thingy scene? Cute. The bet about Roman and Anna? Cute. She's just great lately and I guess we have to credit Hogan Sheffer. And OMFG is their new baby not the cutest fucking thing? She is one chill baby. Just, thumb in her mouth, don't give a fuck, taking it easy. Anna comes in raising a ruckus? Whatever. Ciara hear you. Ciara don't care. I love her. Love. her.

Ciara considers 1-2-Stepping Anna's ass.

Sooooo thaz it. I ain't going over the little bit of ShellePhelleHelle (are they seriously moving her towards JKJ's Phillip? C'mon, I am not a big Shelle person or anything but this is just arbitrary at this point, they just reunited her and Shawn) or Sami and her twin behbehs just yet, I'm sure there's way more of those stories to come this week. Once I am clear of the last of my Y&R/GL obligations from this past week, I will be taking some time to regroup but will try to do bi-weekly or more entries for DOOL and later, OLTL. Hopefully someone will pick up the slack. I'm also going to do a few more special one-offs like this week of episodes in the future, and will also hopefully be covering a certain two nighttime soaps, one shortlived, one about to begin. More on that when this is all done.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."

OLTL - Obligatory Angry Trevor St. John Interview Post

St. Joooohhnnnnn!!! Run, playboy, run!

Had it. Had. it.

kthnx.

GL - Thursday - Reva Begs For Sex From A Rapist

See? Priest. eheheheheheh.

Where would GL be without Bradley fucking Cole? Jeffrey the CIA Agent Prince Imposter Brilliant Attorney Date Rapist is the only one in town, Reva says, who could ever possibly figure out her and Jonathan's brilliant ruse! No one else! It's impossible! They don't have the Rubik's Cube brain that the amaaaaazing Jeffrey has! The thing is, this whole drama of someone discovering Reva keeping the huge secret about Jonathan and Sarah is good stuff, but the circumstances - the whole Budget Inn snuff video underground bone marrow transplant thingy - was so bizarre and silly that it kills what otherwise could be good soapy stuff. So that was shit, and then plus, Reva kept on flirting with Jeffrey. Because that's Reva: Always sniffing for dick. Even rapist dick. I was so repulsed when she jeered, "Do I have to put out?" No. That's fine. Stop. Put your udders away.

Unfortunately even more thrilling storyline hinges on Reva and Jeffrey's "delightfulchemistry," because, as I alluded to before, Olivia (played by the legendary Crystal Chappell) is now hot for her rapist. As of last week (which I watched some of to prepare for this week of entries) they keep having these insane, grotesque Meet Cute typical soap opera scenes. "OOOHHH JEFFREY! O'NEIL! JEFFREY O'NEIL! O'NEIL YOU ANTAGONIZE AND BEWILDER ME WITH YOUR DISAGREEABLENESS, YOUR RAW MANLINESS, YOUR CHAUVINISM AND DISMISSIVENESS BUT SOMEHOW IT DRAWS ME TO YOU EVER MORE! YOU ARE MY ISSUE, O'NEIL! YOOOOOUUUU!!!" And then she tried to hump him. Tried to playfully hump and seduce her rapist. Is this 1973? Am I wearing bell bottoms and do I have a bowl cut? Is feminism still a gleam in someone's eye? Is what Jeffrey did to Olivia now once again considered "a man's privilege" or some shit? Was he just "giving her what for" and "sparking a lifelong passion?" What the fuck is this? Seriously! GL has done rape stories before, it knows better. Granted, it did Roger and Holly, where the chemistry was so incandescent that they kept going back to the well, and granted I am a hypocrite for still being into EJ/Sami/Lucas on DOOL, but for Christ's sake - everyone seems to treat it like no big deal! Olivia just nonchalantly jibber-jabbers with people about her "strange feelings" for Jeffrey, like they were summertime lovers! Bitch he raped you! Wake up! Ellen Wheeler, where are you? What are you doing? No, seriously, what the fuck are you doing? Jake and Marley, Jake and Marley?! Stop getting high and produce the show properly! Oversight people! And also, Crystal? Ms. Chapp - no, Crystal? You are looking a little like late stage Madonna. That ain't good. Put a stop. Put a stop.

More reasons for me to adore this Ashlee Wolfe girl: She had to regulate on that bitchy girl in juvie. Marcie on OLTL would've just sung and cried as the mean girls piled trash and medical waste upon her and dreamed up more demented Killing Club scenarios; not Ashlee! Today's show moral is Ashlee and Coop are the hotness and will regulate when necessary. And so I heard the word and the word was good. I also loved their hilarious riff on Alan; "that Alan Steinman guy, Steinberg, what was his name..." Coop of course tries to tweak and hide his rodney from Ashlee after the hug ("big girls? Me?") and go compensate by hitting on Ava. This is my first hands-on exposure to Ava but I am familiar with her overly convoluted history which, like Jeffrey, gives her no real reason to be on this show cluttering shit up and being thoroughly improbable. The actress is quite good, IMHO, but the role, no. Though I will admit she interacted well enough with Coop, in which case, she better be careful, because Ashlee will check her. Check. her.



Tell me Maeve Kinkead is not still hot as shit. Tell me. I dare you. I fucking double dog dare you. That woman is ageless. Paul Rauch is a dirty lunatic. She still looks absolutely amazing, she is still a wonderful actress, and it's to GL's credit that despite their Wal-Mart budget and so-so stories, they still have enough sense to regularly employ Maeve and Kurt McKinney as Matt and Vanessa. On OLTL, Dinah would get shot in the head and Vanessa and Matt would be perpetually "stuck at the airport in Zimbabwe." Just sayin'. She sold her rage at Matt, great stuff. Unfortunately, Kurt McKinney appears to be saddled with permanent "low flow shower head" hair.

After returning home from Dinah's bedside at the hospital, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion on my face. Upon entering the replenishing shower Marina insisted I take, I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Do you like Phil Collins, Marina? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work...

You can tell Officer Patrick Bateman is strung out and exhausted because look - he has HALF-ASSED BANGS. But is still very intense. Mallet Don't Play. I love that Cedars Hospital appears to be made of plywood and matzoh crackers. Because Guiding Light is ON A BUDGET Y'ALL. ON A BUDGET. It also appears to have Japanese sliding doors though, like a sushi bar. Interesting touch. I keep wanting people to come crashing through the paper walls, like I believe Homer did on The Simpsons.

Raw sexuality.

Jeffrey the Town Rapist's law partner is...Dr. Mel. Okay then. Never mind. Ain't gonna question. Fine. Seriously, Bradley Cole looks ridiculous. He has ever since he started to play Jeffrey by demanding a "departure" so he could play this hardcore, rough character who is so fucking lame. I swear to God his floppy longish hair and mustache and shit look like fake spy hair extensions, like Groucho Marx. All Bradley Cole will ever look like is a down and out John Tesh.

Awright I'm spent. Tomorrow will bring the DOOL weekly update, which will hopefully return to semi-daily regularity after this cross-network stunt of mine ends after I finish blogging GL and Y&R for the week, and after I get a little break. Final Y&R post is coming. Will Darn ever fulfill his end of the bargain and blog more ABC? Who knows? Anyway. Today's GL retro YouTube moment is Quint and Nola's antebellum ball, and you know who's there and pissed...









Still hot. Sorry.