Feb 27, 2007

Y&R - Tuesday - You're All Disowned

"Ohno! My face! Mahm, my face, look at my face, look what you did! OW!"

Bitch, please, it's an improvement.

Let me get this straight, your MOTHER is having a mental breakdown in front of your face, she accidentally hits you with something and your reaction is to yell at her, call her crazy and scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!"? I understand she was hurt but this person is also her mother, not a moment of compassion for her mother's obvious impaired mental state? That's just bad writing right there.

And oh God, the shrieking. Keep it up, Christel! Muteness will do wonders for your figure. If you had a figure. Now I'm just being mean. I'll stop. Except not. Shut up. Stupid.

It's nice that Daniel is Kevin's BFF (blergh) but not a second of happiness over you brother-in-law being off the hook for murder? Come on. These are supposed to be people. Not plot point regurgitating set pieces.

Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. You sad, pathetic, sack of matter. Your WIFE, the love of your life, mother of your children, supposed soulmate is literally losing her mind in front of you and what is your reaction? Blankness.

Neil says "Hi", he's not fit to talk right now. I know you can't quite tell but trust me, Neil is dying inside.

AND for fun: CLOTHING!

Feb 14, 2007

Y&R - BFFs

This post pretty much guarantees I will never work for Y&R or any soap opera. Appreciate the sacrifices I make for you!

CLB: Wha-who?
LLB: Chris-shun, it's me, Lauralee!
CLB: Who in the he--what you talkin' bout, gurl?
LLB: Hello! Chrishun, Lauralee Bell, former co-star, stop playing around!
CLB: Sweetie, I don't know who you are and you do not have a penis and I am busy.
LLB: Oh, you have not lost your wit! It's ever so refreshing! I miss hearing it on a daily basis!
CLB: I am witty, this is true. You tell the truth. Talk some more about me.
LLB: I still watch the show! Everyday! I put on my housecoat and I watch and you are fab!
CLB: YES, I AM! Housecoats are not. Reconsider. And go on. More me! More ME!
LLB: Okay, um, oh I love your chemistry with your brother, he is a cutie!
CLB: Ain't that the truth! Cute everywhere, if you know what I'm sayin' [pause] you probably don't, you kinda vac-u-ous.
LLB: The only vac I know is a vaccuum! Haha!
CLB: Right. But listen here, KEV-IN, if that is your real name, this is MY show, MY limelight, bitch if you even stoort to think this is your show I will cut you! I will cut you down!
LLB: I--I don't think he's here.
CLB: I know he's not here! I'm not blind, Loralei, I just like to remind the Uni-verse that he's beneath me! Or under me, or on top of me. Whichever which way. Why the hell am I talking to you? What is going on? Where is my publicist? PUB-LEE-CIST!
LLB: I was hoping we could [gestures to camera] take a picture.
CLB: Oh. Check my teeth, honey.
LLB: They're good.
CLB: They better be. Now I still don't know who you is, gurl, but I bet I fucked ya ex-boyfriend.
LLB: Wha--
CLB: Cheese!

Feb 13, 2007

Y&R - Monday - In Four Minutes

Okay, it's four minutes until American Idol and I'm watching The Young and the Restless on Fast Forward, it's an experiment, go with it.

Here we go, oh hell, these motherfuckers, hey Phyllis--Nick--Victoria and Brad! Suck it, I ain't mentioning y'all again.

Is Kevin talking to the poli--

Oh, Korbel has a dry erase board! Dry erase boards are fun!

Colleen's neckline is pluuuuuuuunging. McTittles has a riiiiiiiival. I like vooooowels.

Maggie's ready for her sex change operation! Oops, wrong soap!

Wait, Victor--Nikki...

Gloria talking to Bardwell...if I cared about you, Willy, I'd warn you that she's deranged and hungry but since I don't. Eh.

Oh, it's ovah. Playtime is O-VER. Does anyone else remember that?

That was actually two minutes, I didn't realized my fast forward was so...fast. Sorry for this subpar (yeah, I have a par, fuck you) entry, I just don't...care? Yeah. I'll do better tomorrow. Or the day after. Or whenever (that's for the captain).

Feb 9, 2007

Y&R - Tears of a Clown

I was all ready to watch today and then I saw this face and remembered how much I hate her.

And the reliquary.

And Jock and Princess.

And Colleen.

And Korbel.

And Thunderthighs.

And ClackClackNarmFace.

And McTittles.

And Lily.

Especially Lily.

And Noah is a dumbass. Shut up, dumbass.

Y&R - Winter, Spring, SUMMER or Fall

Nick: Immaculate conception my ass. I put hard work into this shit.
Phyllis: That's not even what it means, Nick.
Nick: Thrust, shake, ka-pow! Hard work. Heh, I just said "hard".
Phyllis: Giggle, you said "hard".
Nick: I know, I totally said "hard". Not even on purpose either.
Phyllis: "Hard", heh.
Nick: Speaking of "hard", check it out--
Phyllis: Nick! Hehehehe!
Nick: Ohmygod, when your ladyparts heal I am gonna be all up in that. [licks lips]

I know what you're thinking "Hey, that's kinda sacreligious!" or "Didn't he do that joke like two posts down?" and you know what I say to that? FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW MEEEEE! I DO WHAT I WAAAAAAAAAAANUH!

Anyway, who's with me in praying for the safe return of babygirl Jesus?

Feb 8, 2007

Y&R - Thursday - Live Bloggin'!

12:31 : Wait, wait a frickin' second, is the family of the kidnapping victim running the investigation?

12:33 : Sheila: They are so cute, I just wanna eat them.
That is one lame line.

12:36 : WTF is Sharon wearing? Plaid? Was Sharon shoveling hay and I missed it? Was there a hoedown with the ho? Damn! This is playing just like Sharon and JT's kidnappings. And it's just as boring.

12:37 : Why is Nick doing all the leg work here? Why is Daniel relying on his buddy list for clues? Why are the cops standing in the background wearing they Big Boy coats and doing jack shit?

12:40 : Sure, Gloria's grandson is missing but why should we expect that to stop her from trying to get into Bardwell's pants? Go back to the cul-de-sac, Will, that tunnel only leads to danger.

12:42 : I'd pay good money for Jack and Nikki to have hot, dirty, old people sex right there. They're both looking hot and if not looking 20 years younger than they are, dressing like it. Nikki's brown leather jacket. Hey, hot mom. Grandmom. And Jack with his boyband hair. You may wonder why I'm on this tangent, well, Nikki's defending that psychotic homewrecker Phyllis and I want no part of it.

12:44 : Okay, are those not cops? Are they PIs? Why'd they give the phone to Victor? I'm lost.

When "Lily" touches Daniel kittens die.

12:47 : Kevin went from accountant to computer whiz in a flash. If I cared at all I'd be bothered.

12:51 : Shut up, Nicole.

12:52 : Bardwell [to Gloria]: I bet you were a wonderful mother.
I'm not taking you to Vegas, guy.

Ya know unless this ends in Phyllis or Sheila or somebody, anybody (SCREAM!) dead then what's the point of this?

12:54 : Kevin's laptop is magical.

1:00 : Paul, Michael and Kevin are giving a lesson in how to be completely ineffectual.

1:02 : Jack: Nikki's right though, I have been fair to Phyllis.

What the fuck, Jack? Phyllis has treated you like shit over and over again, telling everyone she knows that you're shit for brains. Oh crap, Sharon just became the smartest person in the room. The world is gonna collapse in on itself.

1:04 : I doubt they'd be able to hear a fucking cow over the phone while Sheila is in that apartment and a fucking TRAIN is going by.

1:07 : Did you know that OneTouch changes everything? Patti tells me and I believe everything she says. Sings. Sangs.

1:10 : Oh, fantastic, Noah just found out that Summer and Fen are missing. Wonderful acting from this kid. Just wonderful. More of that kid! Yeah.

1:12 : OH NOES! Will Phyllis and Summer die?! Considering this show has turned into Phyllis very own Anne of Green Gables fantasty, I'm thinking, "Uh, no.".

1: 13 : Yes, Paul, give the unstable woman a gun.

Phyllis of Genoa City, with Nick as her very own Gilbert.

1: 17 : Cops are completely useless, did you know that? I feel like I'm watching General Hospital.

Why are DANIEL, NICK AND LILY the only people looking at the photo?

1: 19 : Victor: Iknowwheretheyare. That's themotelwhere the majority of myblowjobsoccurred.

1:23 : Flashlight AND gun? Paul, you tricky dick.

A RETIREMENT village would NOT have neon signs. That would violate all sorts of community codes and whatnot.

1: 25 : Noah: DANIEL!

Daniel: You okay, little man?

Much much better now. Hold me tighter. Noooo, tighter. Mmm, you smell like raspberries.

1: 27 : HOW Lauren got there before anyone else I don't even want know.

Nice ass shot for Michelle Stafford. I bet she appreciate that.

Here's to hoping the bullet went through one and came out the other. It would make me a Lauren fan for life.

Feb 6, 2007

Y&R - Tuesday - Phyllis' Greatest Hits!

[Daniel frets over his mom and little sister]

Jack: Phyllis is a strong, determined woman. She delivered her baby in an elevator with no electricity, no epedural, and no help whatsoever! She crotched down and woosh, brand new baby.

Nick: She chased you all the way across the country! Damn, I hated her hot ass back then. Hot. Ass. Sorry, guys, I gotta go to the bathroom. To, um, pee. Probably afterwards anyway.

Lily: She helped sneak me into jail to see you! ME! Not even dogs like me, my mahm says my voice makes them go into a rage, so kudos to your mahm!

Thanks for remembering those plots you three! And translating them so succinctly! It's like some sort of re--re--recap, or what have you, of Phyllis' most thrilling adventures.

When did Phyllis become a bonafide heroine? I mean, seriously, are they running a two hour long special on Phyllis' kidnapping? Did Phyllis die? I feel like I'm watching a retrospective on her life.

Congrats on making the transition of Phyllis from villainess to anti-heroine to heroine so clunky and utterly unnatural.

"Peace, y'all."

Feb 5, 2007

Y&R - Monday - Morning Rain Is Falling

Short one today, I watched probably 8 minutes in total and that's because True Life was on commercial. I don't say that in a "That's all I deigned to watch!", that's truly all I watched.

This is how disconnected from this show I am right now, when Lauren was simpering over Fenn I said to myself "Get a grip, woman! It's just a baby, geez, you can have more." And that's just pure evil.

Also, Lauren, don't walk into Gloria's arms! You know the jaws of life, right? Glo is the exact opposite.

Michael and Sharon as honorary Winterses amuses me greatly. Michael because he suddenly turns into a 12 year old girl when around them. I guess they remind him of the family he never had? I don't know, I just need him to man-up. And I like to imagine Sharon as fascinated by their all-consuming blackness, that she's giddy like a kid in a candy store, "I can learn to pop and lock now!". The scenes are clearly not anything like that but my imagination runs wild still.

So I guess Marisa Ramirez really needed to pay her...light bill? Sure, why not?

Dru's hat? Crazy Church Lady Who Won't Stop Petting You. But also fierce as hell and that's only because she has the cajones to wear it to what is supposed to be a serious legal proceeding. My theory is that she thinks the judge will be so distracted and find her so enticingly sexily sexual that he'll dismiss the case.

Only two more months of my preeeeecious. How do, oh how do, how do I liiiiive?

Feb 3, 2007

Y&R - Victoria Rowell FTW!


Wow. Wower.

I have just one thing to say, Victoria Rowell is the smartest woman in the whole goddamn world.

That was a lie, I never have only one thing to say. So yesterday we found out that Victoria Rowell, Drucilla of The Young and the Restless asked to be released from her contract. Now the show that has been disappointing me left and right will be without my ladylove. My lovely lady. To be honest I haven't watched a full episode of Y&R in almost a month, I'd be lying if I said I missed it. There is not one story that interests me, not one, I find them all middle of the road and barely mediocre. If anything would have gotten me to return or take a peek at it, it's the character. That's where the deep loyalty of soap fans comes from, an attachment to the characters. Yes, the plots are all well and good but anyone can dream up a good, attention-grabbing plot but if there's no relationship between the viewer and character then a good plot will only get you so far.

Y&R, in my belief, has the strongest base of multi-layered characters on daytime, most of them with a rich history and well-defined relationships, desires and familial connections. Not to sound too cutesy or full of myself but it truly is a rich tapestry. I'm finding the core of these characters, the very thing inside them that defines who they are slowly slipping away in an effort to push forward the next step in the plot. When viewers ask themselves "Why is Drucilla acting like a fool?", "Why is Jack being attacked left and right?", "Why is this new person taking up all this airtime?", you have to question how your changes are effecting your fan base. I was under the mistaken impression that Y&R knew this, in an era where other soaps had little issue with firing long time actors and adding new character after new character Y&R stuck to its guns and continued to write for the people we already had a connection to and wanted to see. And the show stayed on top because of that.

Now those same characters are lucky if they're supporting characters in others stories and onscreen 2 days a week. It's not that new characters aren't welcome, they are, soaps need new blood to survive, telling the same stories with the same characters without any twist to them also leads to viewer erosion, however integration of these new character is essential. Without firmly establishing who they are and what they're about we begin to wonder "Why should I care? I don't even know this person.". And not only that, they must also have scenes with veteran characters. They cannot have scenes with other new characters, it causes an imbalance, suddenly two people you don't know are discussing things you don't care about.

And...and ya know what? I'm sick of saying this shit, years and years and years of complaining have gotten us exactly where? Vets fired, ratings down, constant changes behind the scenes and now proclamations from network presidents that the genre is dead. And they, ABC, NBC, CBS, have done NOTHING to turn the tide. They've done everything in their power to drive us away and when we say something about it they lie or don't give a fuck. Why should I care anymore? All I care about is the actors, the characters and the history of the show. The trivial things.

So back to Victoria Rowell, I'm torn. When I first read the news I was shocked and pissed but not five minutes later I found it pretty funny. I just laughed. That's all I can do at this point, after the firings of Julia Barr (not fired but she may as well have been), Stuart Damon and Cady McClain I could only laugh for Vicky because she chose to leave. She's on the ball and knows what's going down, Dru's acting all erratic, Neil isn't being written for, they fired the young woman who fit the Winters family so perfect, and Victoria, after a year of spectacular performances didn't get a pre-nomination. That's how I choose to view it anyway.

As for what's going on with the show right now, as far as I can tell Amber, Korbel and Colleen are on every day. Collectively they have just over a year on this show. Yeah, so there's that.