Jun 30, 2007

Jun 29, 2007

GL - Thursday - Reva Begs For Sex From A Rapist

See? Priest. eheheheheheh.

Where would GL be without Bradley fucking Cole? Jeffrey the CIA Agent Prince Imposter Brilliant Attorney Date Rapist is the only one in town, Reva says, who could ever possibly figure out her and Jonathan's brilliant ruse! No one else! It's impossible! They don't have the Rubik's Cube brain that the amaaaaazing Jeffrey has! The thing is, this whole drama of someone discovering Reva keeping the huge secret about Jonathan and Sarah is good stuff, but the circumstances - the whole Budget Inn snuff video underground bone marrow transplant thingy - was so bizarre and silly that it kills what otherwise could be good soapy stuff. So that was shit, and then plus, Reva kept on flirting with Jeffrey. Because that's Reva: Always sniffing for dick. Even rapist dick. I was so repulsed when she jeered, "Do I have to put out?" No. That's fine. Stop. Put your udders away.

Unfortunately even more thrilling storyline hinges on Reva and Jeffrey's "delightful
chemistry," because, as I alluded to before, Olivia (played by the legendary Crystal Chappell) is now hot for her rapist. As of last week (which I watched some of to prepare for this week of entries) they keep having these insane, grotesque Meet Cute typical soap opera scenes. "OOOHHH JEFFREY! O'NEIL! JEFFREY O'NEIL! O'NEIL YOU ANTAGONIZE AND BEWILDER ME WITH YOUR DISAGREEABLENESS, YOUR RAW MANLINESS, YOUR CHAUVINISM AND DISMISSIVENESS BUT SOMEHOW IT DRAWS ME TO YOU EVER MORE! YOU ARE MY ISSUE, O'NEIL! YOOOOOUUUU!!!" And then she tried to hump him. Tried to playfully hump and seduce her rapist. Is this 1973? Am I wearing bell bottoms and do I have a bowl cut? Is feminism still a gleam in someone's eye? Is what Jeffrey did to Olivia now once again considered "a man's privilege" or some shit? Was he just "giving her what for" and "sparking a lifelong passion?" What the fuck is this? Seriously! GL has done rape stories before, it knows better. Granted, it did Roger and Holly, where the chemistry was so incandescent that they kept going back to the well, and granted I am a hypocrite for still being into EJ/Sami/Lucas on DOOL, but for Christ's sake - everyone seems to treat it like no big deal! Olivia just nonchalantly jibber-jabbers with people about her "strange feelings" for Jeffrey, like they were summertime lovers! Bitch he raped you! Wake up! Ellen Wheeler, where are you? What are you doing? No, seriously, what the fuck are you doing? Jake and Marley, Jake and Marley?! Stop getting high and produce the show properly! Oversight people! And also, Crystal? Ms. Chapp - no, Crystal? You are looking a little like late stage Madonna. That ain't good. Put a stop. Put a stop.

More reasons for me to adore this Ashlee Wolfe girl: She had to regulate on that bitchy girl in juvie. Marcie on OLTL would've just sung and cried as the mean girls piled trash and medical waste upon her and dreamed up more demented Killing Club scenarios; not Ashlee! Today's show moral is Ashlee and Coop are the hotness and will regulate when necessary. And so I heard the word and the word was good. I also loved their hilarious riff on Alan; "that Alan Steinman guy, Steinberg, what was his name..." Coop of course tries to tweak and hide his rodney from Ashlee after the hug ("big girls? Me?") and go compensate by hitting on Ava. This is my first hands-on exposure to Ava but I am familiar with her overly convoluted history which, like Jeffrey, gives her no real reason to be on this show cluttering shit up and being thoroughly improbable. The actress is quite good, IMHO, but the role, no. Though I will admit she interacted well enough with Coop, in which case, she better be careful, because Ashlee will check her. Check. her.

Tell me Maeve Kinkead is not still hot as shit. Tell me. I dare you. I fucking double dog dare you. That woman is ageless. Paul Rauch is a dirty lunatic. She still looks absolutely amazing, she is still a wonderful actress, and it's to GL's credit that despite their Wal-Mart budget and so-so stories, they still have enough sense to regularly employ Maeve and Kurt McKinney as Matt and Vanessa. On OLTL, Dinah would get shot in the head and Vanessa and Matt would be perpetually "stuck at the airport in Zimbabwe." Just sayin'. She sold her rage at Matt, great stuff. Unfortunately, Kurt McKinney appears to be saddled with permanent "low flow shower head" hair.

After returning home from Dinah's bedside at the hospital, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion on my face. Upon entering the replenishing shower Marina insisted I take, I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Do you like Phil Collins, Marina? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work...

You can tell Officer Patrick Bateman is strung out and exhausted because look - he has HALF-ASSED BANGS. But is still very intense. Mallet Don't Play. I love that Cedars Hospital appears to be made of plywood and matzoh crackers. Because Guiding Light is ON A BUDGET Y'ALL. ON A BUDGET. It also appears to have Japanese sliding doors though, like a sushi bar. Interesting touch. I keep wanting people to come crashing through the paper walls, like I believe Homer did on The Simpsons.

Raw sexuality.

Jeffrey the Town Rapist's law partner is...Dr. Mel. Okay then. Never mind. Ain't gonna question. Fine. Seriously, Bradley Cole looks ridiculous. He has ever since he started to play Jeffrey by demanding a "departure" so he could play this hardcore, rough character who is so fucking lame. I swear to God his floppy longish hair and mustache and shit look like fake spy hair extensions, like Groucho Marx. All Bradley Cole will ever look like is a down and out John Tesh.

Awright I'm spent. Tomorrow will bring the DOOL weekly update, which will hopefully return to semi-daily regularity after this cross-network stunt of mine ends after I finish blogging GL and Y&R for the week, and after I get a little break. Final Y&R post is coming. Will Darn ever fulfill his end of the bargain and blog more ABC? Who knows? Anyway. Today's GL retro YouTube moment is Quint and Nola's antebellum ball, and you know who's there and pissed...

Still hot. Sorry.

Y&R - Mon/Tues - CITIZEN HO

Nikki Newman...has been running for public office. For state Senate. I...did not think Nikki Newman could drive a car. Or do long division. But never mind. Never...never mind.

So, um. This post covers Monday and Tuesday of Y&R, my first of two posts blogging this week's worth of shows. I divvied them up like this for two reasons: One, the remainder of the week's episodes are centered around Nick's return, while these episodes focus on The Election Of The Millennium. And two, after several long nights of grueling daily GL posts, I am tired as fuck. Thus, Thursday's GL post will be bumped to at least tomorrow morning or afternoon, and everything else for the week will be bumped a day. Appy-polly-ologies. I have enjoyed this week of looking in on CBS, but once this is over? TAKING A BREAK. It's hard writing about halfway decent soaps, which frankly, these two are, especially compared to ABC. It's huuurrrddd.

But now, as to the great Genoa City emergency election: Glorious. I loved it. A former stripper and a corrupt perfume magnate embroiled in dirty backroom deals with the (sexy) Chinese battled it out for a Senate seat, and I loved every ridiculous minute of it. They were all so delightfully intense. "CRUNCH THE NUMBERS BEN! I NEED THE METRO TURNOUT BREAKDOWN! MASSAGE THE DATA DAVID! STROKE IT, LOVE IT! LOTION THE NUMBERS! GIVE THEM A HAPPY ENDING! MORE JARGON! MORE JARGON NOW!" It cracked me up, and they were all so into it and I loved it. And I was even sorry Nikki didn't win!

What made it work so well for me was that everyone, from the writers to the actors on down, was clearly completely committed to it. When OLTL did a similar story with first Nora vs. Daniel Colson (her future closeted serial killing husband, thanks ABC) for the District Attorney's Office, then Kevin Buchanan running to become Lieutenant Governor of Pennsylvania, the idea or concept worked, but the execution was crap. Kevin's political interests were almost exclusively an ignored side thread which could've and should've been so much more, and Nora and Daniel's feud was relegated to really one episode where she lost. Imagine if they had invested in Kevin's story by having him hire colorful characters as consultants, like David Chow (Vincent Irizarry) or Ben Hollander (the great Billy Warlock, Daytime Survivor) or...well, she's not interesting at all, but, you know, that character played by Nia Peeples! (More on her later.) Imagine if they'd devoted half the time to Kevin's run as Y&R has to Jack vs. Nikki. The detail and the commitment to the serious drama and not talking down to the viewers on the election jargon (though it bordered on fetishistic) was what sucks me in, even if, character-wise, it's ridiculous to think these two people would ever run for Senate (well, Jack maybe) . And though I am mostly a Y&R neophyte, I realize this issue is symptomatic of people's complaints about Lynn Marie Latham, and I totally understand it. But I have been very entertained.

Anyway. Onto other things. Nia Peeples? Why didn't they just hire Sheila E. if they wanted an 80s relic? Last time I saw Nia Peeples she was getting pimpslapped to death by a plastic giant squid in an incredibly cheapo Canadian horror flick, Deep Star Six. And of course she's for Neil. The bland and vaguely multicultural woman who is "safe" to be paired with the black man. Now they're really copying ABC. And let me see if I have this: "Cane," who I think played the Beastmaster on cable, is the real Phillip Chancellor? Only Australian. And married to Amber. Whatever. That's a lame, useless Josh Madden-esque retcon. And I can stand Adrienne Frantz even less than I remember. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Why did Amber leave California to continue pursuing her music career? That seems awfully impractical.


You hear the doooooor SLAM, and realize there's nowhere left to run. You feel the cooooollldd hand, and wonder if you'll ever see the sun. You close your EYEEEESSSS! and hope that this is just imagination! But all the while you hear the creature creepin' up behind! You're outta tiiiimme! Cause this is COOOOLLLLEEENNN!!! COLLEEEN CARLTON!!!

...I am sorry, okay? I'm sorry, I really am. I know a lot of people seem to love Adrienne Leon as Colleen and are outraged by her unceremonious firing. I agree the way it was done was classless. But, uh, sorry, I hated her on GH, found her creepy, with a flat affect, kind of stoned, and it's carried over to here on Y&R. And, seriously: Bitch is a werewolf. An actual werewolf. I am serious, I've always felt this way about AL's Colleen. She got the mange, she's a hairy thing, scurrs me. I know I have no class. But I also know that when the full moon rises, this Colleen feels the urge to hunt, kill and taste human blood. And I do not like watching that. And that's just me.

High school girls: I keep getting older, and they stay THE SAME AGE!

And then there is her, um, "boyfriend." Who I believe is also her college professor? Nice. That dude creeps the fuck out of me. How the hell did her family get onboard with that? "Sure, date your creepy professor, Colleen. No other man in town wants you now that you are a lycanthrope." Korbel is so supercillious and slick and they just seem like truly obnoxious people who will be even worse, prim, uptight yuppies in about ten years. They're like characters from St. Elmo's Fire, only much worse. And with beastiality.

Gloria Fisher, skin terrorist, torments another helpless old man with her pincers and multifractual prism eyes. God. I do admire that her entire family, all the way up to Michael and Lauren the happily marrieds, are apparently in it though. On ABC the married popular couple would be shocked and appalled, or moralize it away, the way Michael, Rex, and Adriana all do when keeping Todd's baby from him on OLTL because o iz jus Todd! But Michael and Lauren just go along because none of them want the popo on them. I dig that, it's refreshing. I also like that Kevin Fisher has apparently remained a minor psychopath, which would also not be tolerated on another show. Gleefully talking about decapitating Jana the British Girl. Greg Rikaart's snark is still intact, which is nice to see.

r u there brad? r u there? switch over if u can hear me! ooh i like this eyeshadow. am i rambling?? txt me brad!!11

I thought Darn was being too hard on Amelia Heinle's face. I was wrong.

Shirtless sweating Nick to Logan the Obnoxious Mountain Woman: "Let's redress this." UM NO THAZ OK.

Feh. Sucky entry. Sorries. NOT UP TO SNUFF. But I still have a Y&R retro moment:

Seriously. WTF.

Jun 28, 2007

GL - Wednesday - In Which Reva Makes A Lesbian Snuff & Organ Theft Video

Guess who's back! Back again! Reva's Back! Tell a friend! Honk if you love punch and paahhh! OOOOHHH ah love punch and paahhh! Reva Gotta Eat! Fuck the budget cuts across the board, fuck holiday break, Reva needs her pay raise! Buzz and Holly can go hunnnnggggry! Bud! Bud, turn me ovah! Honk if you love coun-treeee!! HOOONKKK!! HOOOOOONNNNNKKKK!!!!!

Oh Mama no. This, this is what I get. This is what I get for being thrilled to see no Reva, hear no Reva for the first two days. An episode devoted entirely to Reva "Invader Zim" Shayne. Is this, like, that "Inside The Light" thing I keep hearing about? An episode devoted to a single character? Do they seriously do this every week? God, that must take planning. On one hand, I really admire GL's devotion to these innovative concepts - character-centric episodes, risk-taking opening sequences and special episodes, charity work that is hardwired into promotion for the show. On the other hand, today was basically like, Reva on a...Super 8 camera...stealing Lizzie's organs. So, you know, yeah.

Bars cain't hold me, Bud! Eat my way on through! MMMMMMM tastes lahk squirrel.

Pop quiz, hotshot: An overweight, middle-aged woman with crazy eyes, wearing a magenta tablecloth, accosts you and your twentysomething college friends in your budget-conscious hotel, offering you free booze if you come party with her obviously drugged teenage friend in an empty hotel room in broad daylight. WHATCHU DO? A) Call the police, B) call in an Amber Alert, or C) go party with Clarabelle Cow and her high school hostage? This is like that movie 8MM. It ain't right. I appreciate the aesthetic of using video to film Reva's flashbacks to what happened with Lizzie in their "lost weekend" but it just was freaky as shit. Let me see if I've got this straight: Jonathan faked his and baby Sarah's deaths to escape Alan. Sarah developed aplastic anemia and needed a bone marrow transplant (i.e., Reva didn't really steal organs, but nevermind) . Lizzie, being Sarah's mother, is the best match. Lizzie cannot be trusted with the knowledge that Jonathan and her daughter, Alan's heir, are alive. Therefore, Reva drugs Lizzie and drags her around a Days Inn for two weeks while getting her plastered, throwing her at random drunken college students, otherwise molesting her and then harvesting her for bone marrow, leaving her with no memory of the event and a butterfly tattoo (hence the pretentious 'title' of this episode) where her surgical scar really is. Nice. Even for Reva that's gross. Come on, GL. It was all shot in such a creepy, amateurish fucking way - there's cinema verite and then there's Reva prowling around a dentist's office. It didn't look edgy like they wanted, it just looked cheap. And Reva's machinations defied reality even more than usual. Nobody my age wants to party with Reva and her fucked up mouth.

...Now, if you tuned in without context, who knows what you would've deduced. You might have thought this episode was about a young girl abducted by a, a terrifying wall of vibrating flesh and gristle, a gorgon-like bull dyke who whisked the ingenue off to a dentist's office for sexual bondage mixed with surgical fetishism. Let's be real, this would be more interesting if, say, Reva and Lizzie really had gotten rip roaring drunk and Reva had fucked her with a strap on. No. No. Wait. I apologize. I am wrong. I do really like Marcy Rylan as Lizzie, though. Good actress, kudos.

I won't talk much about Josh the priest (or, as I call him, Father Pussyhound) today because he was a very minor character in the event and I expect he'll be back for me to take more of the piss later on. Suffice to say, Robert Newman is still a hot daddy but uh, this is just ridiculous. Josh? A priest? No. Come on. No. Josh and his dick are as one. Josh has been fucking Reva for years; after that he would fuck a Cuisinart. Same difference. Although I have to say that the NuCassie is growing on me, to the point where I am not constantly cracking on her with mean tranny jokes. I have never been a fan of the character, going back to the Laura Wright days; she seemed like an unnecessary, fetishized Paul Rauch blonde, with big hair, tits, and attitude, and of course a stripper past. But she's here now, has been for years, and I like the concept of "nice" Cassie's morals crumbling as she fucks with Alan and Beth out of vengeance for Tammy, and colludes with Reva to give her the prison keys. Even if she is with Rev. Poonhunter, the fact remains that for Cassie blood is thicker than Josh's priestly jizz and she wants to see the Spauldings suffer. So she gave her the keys. I dug that.

Not much else to say today after I get finished shuddering over the daily horror that is Reva. Y&R update for the past few days is coming tomorrow, the first of two for the week. A DOOL update will probably come at the end of the week, featuring the hilarious Tony and Anna hijinks, Steve's funky dance, and the continued exploits of Captain Jeremy Horton and Fuck The Sky In The Ass While It Is Passed Out. Today's classic GL clips are some classic scenes from '92 or so, featuring the one, the only Beverlee mothafuckin McKinsey as the only true Alexandra Spaulding, humiliating her husband Roger (Michael Zaslow) at the country club after she discovers his dirty dealings and affair with Mindy Lewis. Because nobody, but nobody fucks with Beverlee McKinsey. Watch and learn, bitches.

She named him Freddie. Oh, well.

Jun 27, 2007

GL - Tuesday - In Which GL Gives Avril Lavigne $$ To Pay For The Electricity

Down on Main Street Springfield, shit be poppin'! Brang yo frenz, we got blue Kool-Aid.

Yeah, so seriously - that "Main Street" place which is one of like GL's six remaining sets? It looks like Studio 54, and Zoom and MTV's The Grind (with Eric Nies!) all got together and had a fucked-up, drug-fueled threesome, and then nine months later, Main Street Springfield was their mutant two headed baby. It is, as Al Pacino says in Heat, a "post dead-tech" monstrosity of a "hip" set. It's just so bizarre, I expect to see Muppets stroll through. Yet everybody, from any age group or social class on the show just hangs out there. Everyday. All the time. Fine, whatever.

all up in ur house killin u wit ur table leg

The last time I regularly knew anything about GL, there were few universal truths of the show, few core tenets that still stood the test of time, things that said to you..."this, this my friend is The Guiding Light." Fewer still remain to this day, but there was one constant then that has outlasted all the cast and character upheaval of the past decade, and that is this: Beth Raines Is Still One Crazy Fucked-Up Bitch. She is the whiter Mariah Carey. Test her and she will beat you to death with a table leg. She's in love with everyone, anyone. She will fuck anything. (So will Olivia Spencer, apparently, but that's a story for another time.) Both of the guys in "The Four Musketeers." Edmund. Phillip again. Anthony Addabbo, you know, Jim, killed by bad Christmas tree lighting. And that guy I think she met on a desert island, was that her? And Jeffrey, did she fuck his dirty ass? And now Alan Spaulding. In love with Alan Spaulding. After all these years, she's gone back to another abusive daddy figure just like her own insane rapist father, James 'The Dick In Independence Day" Rebhorn. Frankly it makes a kind of perverse sense, and I have come to love Beth Chamberlin's perpetually teeter-tottering, on the edge soapy performances as the character. She is eternally mentally ill, used and abused, and yet still intensely naive. Gee, could Alan be fucking around on me? Could he be manipulating me in some way? Let me go bond with Rick at the same time! It's nice to see Rick with screen time and all, I appreciate their bond still and the way it's gotten all twisted in this love thing when she used to be Phillip's 80s Twoo Wuvv, but she's just gonna fuck Rick over again like she fucks over every man who treats her right, or you know, reasonably right. I admire them attemping to put on some new pathetic iteration of the Bauer barbeque though, seeing as he's almost the only old blood Bauer left on the show, I think. It's gonna be him, Beth, some streamers, and some cardboard standees of Grant Aleksander and Peter Simon. "Great party, huh, guys? Haha! Oh, Phillip, you dog! Dad, stop drinking! Those rascals!"

I've seen him before, but seeing him in full live motion makes me crown John Driscoll (Coop Bradshaw) another Human Masterwork. I mean, damn. Hot as shit, probably gay judging by his ease playing gay on that cancelled show with Christian Campbell (yeah, that's my whole flimsy gay criteria right there) , and a great actor. Good Lord. Finally, a son worthy of the great Fiona Hutchison. He is really cute with Ashlee too. There's a man for her! Come on, GL. Of course, when the show is inevitably cancelled I would love to see OLTL snatch up for Joey Buchanan. He's perfect for the role, sensitive, beautiful, amazing body. Don't give me that "too young" shit. Bruce Michael Hall was "too young" despite being the actual age of Joey! It would not be a problem at all. Come, John Driscoll. Come to Llanview. And my bed. My inflatable bed that I bought at Linens & Things. After which point I would have absolutely no idea what to do with you.

The highlights of the party for SuDaisy's return to the Cooper homestead included Pubeface Orte
ga flipping out because Harley dared, dared to call him "a diabetic." OMG! OMG Harley WTF???!!!11 Like she called attention to him having an STD or being a fucking leper, for Christ's sake. At least his pointless mother had the good sense to check him. Loved Harley's snippy line to Dylan about Natalia: "You wanna go out on another date with her? Please?" But really, this whole Dylan/Harley/Gus/Natalia is just lame and forced. OMG THE FAMILY PORTRAIT SHOWS US PAIRED OFF IN OUR ORIGINAL GROUPINGS THE SYMBOLISM!!!111eleven Stoopid.

Billy Lewis = Andy Capp

By far the centerpiece of the party scenes however was Jordan Clarke as Billy Lewis. I ain't trying to mock Jordan Clarke, okay, I'm not. He's overcome addiction, he should be very proud. And Billy's a very treasured core character, I know that. I'm just saying, Billy comes off like he is old and crazy, constantly drunk, or just plain high all the time. He embodies the phrase "DOMDOMDIDDAAAYYYY!!" I don't know half of what the fuck he was doing today (poor Natalia and her obvious repulsion) but it's like they even write for him as though he has some kind of congenital dementia now. Like calling Dylan with that random shit, that was in the script? Is Billy supposed to be crazy? Hilarious, though. Like a jolly little drunken troll who has a secret treasure he will give you if you play with him. Minutes, sheer minutes of entertainment.

So, Doris Wolfe, I call her District Attorney Titties Surprise. Because they are always out and fierce, seriously, popping everywhere. In which case it should perhaps be "Non-Surprise" at this point. But, you know, great actress, fun character, my problem is I feel I've seen her so many times before. God knows Alan's been with these kind of women many times before. And then there's, you know, Gloria Fisher on Y&R and so many others. But Orlagh Cassidy does a fine job. The character just seems a bit of a cartoon.

I would be remiss without mentioning that in today's (well, Tuesday's) show GL advanced its pop culture credentials and "hipness" all the way to 2002 by playing Avril fucking Lavigne and "Complicated" at the end of the episode. You know, just in case you hadn't gotten enough in every ad, movie or TV promo in the last four years! We'd finally put it past us, just like the WWII internment camps, and then GL brings it rushing back by inelegantly trying to score hip points. And it just didn't fit and was awkward as shit. Especially with the PORTRAIT SYMBOLISM. And sorry, but I can't take adults like Beth Ehlers, Ricky Paull Goldin or Ron Raines seriously when their silent emotional moments are set to Avril fucking Lavigne.

Today's classic GL YouTube moments are twofold: The first has some scenes from the classic 1992(?) "blackout" sweeps event, featuring Sherry Stringfield as Blake. I believe this was where "Bloss" was born, but I could be wrong. I also believe this was in Nancy Curlee and Steve Demorest's heyday as part of the head writing team and I've never seen GL better. Granted, I don't watch much GL, but they were amazing. The second clip is also Curlee/Demorest(/Reilly?) , and it is one of my favorite scenes ever, Maureen Bauer's bonechilling speech to Ed before her untimely death at the hands of Jill Farren Phelps. JFP gave GL an impossible situation, but as you shall see, they made it work. That speech about what their daughter can believe stays with me still.

kelly and morgan's summer of pre-josh lewis' penis love. from kristenvigard.com.

Jun 25, 2007

GL! - Monday - None Of Us Goes Our Way Alone Until Next Month When They Cancel The Show, Split Us Up & Put Us In The Foster Homes

Seriously, who the fuck are these people?! Bert don't know. Bert don't care.

So. Uh. Guiding Light...has changed since I used to keep up with it. Very few Bauers. The long, boring reign of Danny/Michelle and the Santoses (Santi? No, let's not invoke that) has ended. Phillip, still dead. Is he dead still? I don't know. Laura Wright has gone to Port Charles and been replaced by this drag queen. Harley has even more children. And, there appear to be like 18 people on contract, maybe, and most of them I don't know a fucking thing about, and there are like five sets. Cause GL is struggling on life support and is ON A BUDGET Y'ALL. Gotta make cuts, gotta be frugal. Everybody go build some houses for homeless people; it will be good practice. O'Leary, you squeegee my car! There's a ten-spot in it for you. You there, Keifer, we need someone to cover the phones for an hour. Eight bucks. No, we can't afford to show you all in the credits anymore, it's just these hands. Yeah, hands, hands and voices and candlelight, like Hands Across America. Hands Across Your TV Screen Without Having To Pay You Residuals For The Use Of Your Image Or Likeness. "None of us goes our way alone" my ass.

No. No. I'm being really mean. No, listen, I actually really, really admire the heart and gumption GL has displayed lately, what with the, uh, the random house-building, the special episodes showing the old characters, the reintroduction of the classic poem into the (character-less) opener, the callback to "Reverend Rutledge." That's really something, that shows effort, that they're trying, at least. Sure, most of their characters are unfamiliar to me or suck, as do most of the stories, but every time I checked on the show last year I was impressed by at least the daily writing and acting, and the sheer heart of their efforts in the face of, you know, going on welfare. Which is why I opted to cover GL for the week, to pay tribute to that heart. Unfortunately, having "heart" does not make your show terribly good. Actors good, yes, dialogue people, pretty good, stories...um. Well. Let's just say Carjack's lesbian daughters fighting over on ATWT were more interesting.

There was some good, okay? There was. That Ashlee girl. I fucking hate when people spell it like that, bugs the shit out of me. Caitlin Van Zandt, great actress. And she's not Marcie. She's not Kathy Brier, at all. Not a Marcie. Not Broadway. She's just real, and realistic and funny. Actually witty, as opposed to, you know, Marcie, who I used to love but is now this hysterical, always-'on' harpy. So I liked Ashlee a lot. She has promise. Her scenes with NuSusanDaisyWhoever were good, except for the fact that they were squeeing over the little ass I call "Pubeface Ortega." More on him shortly.

Dinah, don't just stare at it, eat it.

But first, OH MY FUCKING GOD. Mallet. NuMallet. WTF. I know a lot of people love him and all, love him with Gina Tognoni's Dinah, and I think she's great actually especially since I hated her in OLTL in her last few years and was thrilled when Heather Tom took over. And yeah I agree this guy is really quite a good actor, okay, but all I can think of when looking into the MERCILESS VOID that is his eeeyeeessss is Officer Jeffrey Dahmer. I mean, you gotta admit, this Mallet is a little, um, intense. And not just today, like all the time. So that's unfortunately what I've taken to calling him, Dahmer. But that aside, I was all set to praise GL for keeping a good tough cop frontburner while OLTL fucks them up or GH belittles them. Then I found out, oh, gee, Jesse Hubbard from AMC shot Dinah in the head because he has a past with Mallet. Did he shoot her (aiming for Mallet) because Mallet put him away? No, apparently Mallet worked for him as a fucking CONTRACT KILLER. In his off years from the fucking police department! Money was tight, budget was lean, Mallet had to make ends meet! Nice, GL. Nice. God. So, yeah, creepy as shit. On his way back to the hospital, Mallet then killed some hobos and made reservations at Dorsia. Oh wait, I think I'll have to run that gag into the ground later in the week. Save it.

So I see Gus and Harley have fallen victim to the Raquel Dion Secret Underprivileged Slampiece & Child Curse, named as it is in memory of one of the lamest iterations of that story on AMC some years ago, featuring Mateo Santos' useless secret token minority wife Raquel and their idiot child Max. Here instead we have Gus's boring former girlfriend Natalia and their unbelievably obnoxious son, "Rafe." Rafe has diabetes, you guys, OMG! Did you, did you know? Do you have any idea what that means? Diabetes! This shit is serious! Everybody stop! This is an unbelievably sensitive issue, Harley, any wrong word could set him off into a spiral of depression and rage and tears! Jesus fucking Christ. It would be one thing if this kid, "Pubeface Ortega," I call him, was somewhat attractive or a remarkably good actor, but he's neither, and all he did was act surly and bitch at Harley. "You had a child too young, Harley? Zat mean you ate her? Stabbed her and threw her in the dumpster? What, you, you wanna cook me diabetic-safe meals? What the fuck, Harley? What the fuck? Go get me a McRib and a Yoohoo and shut the fuck up! Your inability to accept nontraditional family makes me sick!" What an ass. And we're supposed to be all for his HOT TEEN SUMMER ROMANCE with SusanDaisyTheGirlFormerlyKnownAsBrittanySnow. Girl, he is the fug. Run, don't walk. We're gonna have to deal with months of them making out all quasi-incestuous in the Aitoro/Cooper household while one of Harley's eight thousand children who I can't keep track of, thanks Paul Rauch, walks in on them every other day. The one redeeming grace of Natalia/Pubeface is the screentime for the unspeakably hot dude playing Remy Boudreau, Lawrence St. Victor. I - I just - I just - I can't even talk about it. Damn, is all I'll say. Damn.

Why did they recast Dylan Lewis? Morgan Englund is still hot as shit. I'm not - okay, listen. I am not saying Brian Gaskill is a coke fiend now. I would not say that. I'm saying, every time I've seen him in a role since Port Charles, the character he plays always acts like a fuckin' insane coke fiend. Okay? And that's his Dylan: Hyped-up coke fiend. Ready to go. "Time to get Daisy, Harley! Oooh, you feel that? You feel that? God, it's hot! It's hot, you don't, you don't feel that? I'm sweating, where's the AC? You got some gum, I need, I some gum! Mmmm, your shirt whispers when you move. Whispers secrets."

The girl playing Marina is still way too fucking young and freshfaced to be playing a fucking detective. She's always reminded me of a kewpie doll. The saving grace there is, she's actually got a lot of chemistry with the obnoxious Australian guy. They were kind of hot. Kind of. Her, and, uh, "Cyrus." Whatev.

More tomorrow. So far no Invader Zim, which is always good for me. I can't wait to take the piss out of Josh, though. And now, as it will be all week, your classic GL moment of the day, only the first part of several over at YouTube. from "classicGL." This is only part of an episode and the first four in a series of clips he/she entitled "In The Interests Of The Child." I always liked what I saw of this old stuff with Jackie, Elizabeth and Justin and Alan. Was this the Dobsons? The Little Phillip story, from what I've read and seen of it, reminds me of the nature of a lot of their byzantine wifeswapping stories. I've loved killer queen Chris Bernau since my days as a Dark Shadows fanboy. I can't believe they never brought either woman back, I like Cindy Pickett a lot.

Just remember ALL CAPS when you spell the man's name.

OLTL - Monday - Clockwork Cringing

Now imagine that less smiley and more black. This is gonna be fun! Yeah! I'm pumped! A whole week of being forced to watch OLTL! I AM SO THRILLED BY THE POSSIBILITIES!

I hate you, jase.

I actually watch OLTL pretty regularly. Regular like a woman's cycle. 3 days out of a month. Was that gross? Sorry.

FIRST OF ALL, I used to watch OLTL daily when Jen was alive and I am sorry but this shit needs to stop. I am fucking sick of the Jen retrospective every 6 fucking months. Buck the fuck up, Lindsay, you didn't even like the little tramp that much anyway, admit. Why are we constantly treated to rememberances of Jen? I'd appreciate it if anyone liked Jen but she was pretty much universally hated. Not just by fans either, look at the show, the same 3 people mourn her all the damn time.

Jen was proficient at one thing: Sucking. At life, on the dirty hosebeast...basically bitch was a plunger.

Onto more current annoying things, Miles. Or as I like to call him Retard in Motion. And not the bad retard, I mean retarded as in truly retarded, like emotionally. Being ugly made him completely ignorant of how the world works? His whole "What is this thing between my legs? WHAT DOES IT DO, MOMMYMARTY? Why does it HURT SO GOOD?!" schtick is possibly the most ill-conceived character trait I've ever seen. It pains me to watch him learn how to breathe and talk and eat like a real live boy.

Speaking of painful John and Marty are in a word: Motherfucking Horrendous. I'd start with Marty but really the more you write about Marty the closer you wish for the sweet embrace of death. And John...John is ridiculous. On every level. He certainly looks it with the perpertually pursed lips and his hands bolted to his hips, you know Michael Easton thinks he's fucking Superman.

"Sorry, Nats, no fat chicks."

No, Melissa Archer is not fat, she's beautiful even if her hair did look like refried shit today and she had to act out a stupid scene about foundations or some such nonsense. It's cute that Natalie is working at Buchana Enterprises. Does Jess work at The Banner? Does she work at all? I like her and Nash by the way. They're cute. And they made Antonio cry, score!

Now I'd comment on the Viki/Dorian/Clint scenes but then I'd have to criticize Erika Slezak's acting and Jerry ver Dorn un-Clintness and talk about how young, beautiful and fantastic Robin Strasser is all the time and well, that just wouldn't be fair, would it? She does look fantastic though.

And for jase, again.




Jun 24, 2007

DOOL - A Pimp Named Hunley

'A Pimp Named Hunley,' it's a phrase, like 'A Tribe Called Quest, A Man Called Horse!' Say it with me one time!

Yeah, I got them letters. I got 'em right here. Right up in hurr. Oh, you want them? Oh, you want the - you want my letters? You want my letters, Brady? You want 'em, then you know what you - I know you know what you got to do for me, I ain't gonna say it outright, I know you know. You have to show me the money clip, Roman! Pull it out! Pull it out, show and tell! Turn it around, let it glitter in the artificial light! Show me your money clip! And you, make me a mojito! And you - get naked! You too, Will! Oh, no, not you, bad idea. Bad idea.

Oh yes, she's back! She's back and she's better than ever before! And I say that despite the fact that I personally would have no fucking idea, since I ain't never seen Anna DiMera on this show before! Before my time, it was! I was a toddler back then! My bad! But you know, she's here, and the plain, simple and clean fact is that she is ten times hotter than some people and has got about fifty times the personality and spark, even after all these years later. She owned those incredibly awkward, stilted Brady pub scenes that the actors had to do their best with. It was all like, "oh, Anna, interesting, you fucking disappeared completely like twenty years ago, okay, ON WITH YOUR PLOT FUNCTION. PERFORM FUNCTION, ANNA. PERFORM PLOT FUNCTION NOW." But they made the best of it, and Leeann Hunley just took the shit by storm. What was so funny too is that everybody else in those scenes is trying to be mad Days of our Lives serious, all "tell us your dark secrets about the DiMeras, Special Guest Star," and Anna is just busy molesting Fauxman and lifting cash and booze. "I got like six weeks here and then it's back to living off residuals of TBS reruns of Dawson's at 8 AM, I'm taking it all, bitch!" I absolutely loved it and loved her and it was not at all what I was expecting from those goofy-ass scenes with her in the Time Trapper cloak and hood. No mealymouthed, scurred little woman, Anna.

By contrast, where the Brady Pub family sitdown scenes last week were incredibly rushed and ill-fitting to me, the DiMera strategy session was perfect. And this from someone who thinks the DiMeras are mostly played out except for EJ, and despite my still loving Joe Mascolo and Thaao Penghlis. Which brings me to my next point, people, or rather, a side point: THAAO PENGHLIS DON'T GET NO RESPECT. Every time this show fucks some story with these guys up, who do the fans dogpile? Who gets the first flaming bag of dogshit on their virtual doorstep? It's Thaao Penghlis, that's who. All because he plays Tony DiMera who Reilly and co. did fucking anything and everything ludicrous with, and because he dared to be candid and raw and honest and real in the fake-ass soap press about bad stories and bad management in daytime. Well, fuck that, because he's right, and he deserves some props. The Thaao Penghlis I know is that dude with the eyes and the voice who is in every fucking bad TV show or movie you ever saw but can't recognize! He'll do anything, he's everywhere! And he's always a fey badass! Show some respect for Thaao Penghlis, people! I remember him from Altered States, taking William Hurt to go get high with him on the evil Amazon juice that turns William Hurt into some kind of fuckin' man-ape! You remember that? I do! You remember him in that horrible Mission: Impossible revival in the late '80s? No, no one else does, but I do! Thaao Penghlis is a raw motherfucker and he's my raw motherfucker and I love him for just what he is - an overtanned, leather-skinned, gold chain wearing aging omnisexual love god who can take the piss out of anyone anywhere on any over the top serial. Thaao, I believe you could take George Hamilton anyday. I hope you and your hunky "cousins" or "nephews" or whoever all those hot young dudes you run around the world with are have a great fucking time in Greece or Tasmania or Shangri-La or wherever the hell it is you're going next for more thoroughly heterosexual escapades. Go on, Thaao! And keep on keepin' on on the show.

Thaao Penghlis: Your ongoing sexual problem. Where has his finger been? INSIDE YOUR SOUL.

But anyway. Back to the DiMera meeting scenes. They were brilliant, for once, and they were actually worthy of the actors in them, especially My Boy Thaao. For once, finally, this show acknowledged that Tony DiMera was not always the Snidely Whiplash, train-track-maiden-tying bastard we've seen for like fifteen years. Tony was not always that dude working with Al Qaeda or fake serial killing half the town or getting "eaten by a tiger." It wasn't always like that. No, Tony used to be a good guy, a romantic lead, struggling against his past, loved by good (and bad) women. He used to have so much depth and pathos and Reilly and the '90s threw it all away - for what? So to have Hogan Sheffer address this massive change in Tony for once, onscreen, is exhilarating, and judging by his recent comments he's eager to do more with the character. Tony actually questioned what's become of him since then, why he's become his Fawwthaaa's lapdog, why he turned his back on love (like with Anna) , when he became such a maniac. I think he's meant to be a mirror image of what EJ could become if he turns on his, uh, love for Sami, and devotes himself to the family. And I think that's a fascinating dynamic. I also like Stefano being the old man advocating for peace (not that that makes much sense since he sent EJ to Salem himself, had Steve programmed and demanded the stem cells) , while Tony, once the pacifistic DiMera, has gone round the bend, and knows it, but can't help himself. If you ask me, the subtext is that Tony knows what he's doing, his pushing for the continued feud, is wrong, that he's gone wrong, but he's so bitter and angry with Stefano for making him this way that he is going to force Stefano to continue, to finish what he started and what he made of Tony. And that's interesting.

Lexie, OTOH? No point. No point. Nothing going on there. I love Renee Jones and Jim Reynolds but I just don't care about her right now. She's back to fretting about Abe like her Nell phase meant nothing. And where is Benjy? I want Benjy. That dude was hot. The thing is, this BRADY vs. DIMERA XXXVIII "story" is so far mostly just a series of crazy, quasi-Reilly-style events, plot points and action beats, with better writing, like the scenes I just discussed. The problem is, so far, IMHO, the organization, the plotting remains the same - lame stunt after lame stunt. OMG a bomb! ZOMG it's a clock! No, it's Hobo Lexie! I think this whole "story" was invented hastily by committee to up ratings, and while I appreciate seeing all these actors and appreciate that the writing is a lot better, I know Hogan Sheffer can do better. And hopefully, fix EJ a bit more. I don't like no rape, and I don't like no rapist/rape victim pairing, but I love me some EJ and some EJ/Sami. I can't help it. I love Lumi too, don't blame me. Oh, Lucas, you and your cute little chest. C'mere. C'meeerrree. I want to pinch your tiny head [cranium] .

And then there was the teen scene.

Air Statutory Assrape With Use Of Intoxicants: Soon we'll be taking anooother ruuunnnn.

So here's how I know how Jeremy Horton and Jett Carver are just what DOOL has been waiting for and needed all this time. Number one, they have their own photo shoot on NBC.com! Number two, OMG they're so HOOOTTTT. Number three, again, they're hot, so much hotter than puny guys like Nick or Max who have stupid shit like, you know, personalities, depths, unconventional beauty. Number four, they're Hortons! and Carvers! Ain't that all you need? Isn't that what we've all been crying for more of? Well, they're here, so what's to complain about? Of course they're insanely attractive (in a Aryan sort of way) and of course they are a hunky combo pack of duo love which serves as a useful tool for introducing them simultaneously instead of giving them unique personalities, storylines, and a fresh approach! That would get in the way of the OOOH SO SEXY PREFABRICATED NETWORK-SANCTIONED AND APPROVED HOT. And of course, of course, they're just so amazing and new and hot that all the young ladies on the show can't wait to drop it like it's hot for the master race! Chelsea and Nick? Psh! She want it! She know she want it! Fake-ass NuStephanie with the no IQ? She want it bad! And Nick, well, fuck Nick, we'll just piss on him all summer, hell, looking at Nick, he'll probably get it too. Because everybody thinks Jeremy and Jett are mad hot and this Pimp My Plane/Las Vegas storyline with OMG GARMENT CONTRABAND is sure to be a pulse-pounding, cooch-sizzling summer success. I loved when Nazi-ass Jeremy tried to sell Max on their ILLEGAL GARMENT TRADE by explaining "it's not high-grade plutonium or heroin we're talking about here, man!" Oh, but it should be, that would be fucking hilarious. On Passions it would be. And of course Chelsea, so hesitant about Teh Sex with Nick, the man she loves, will give it up in short order for the god made flesh and obvious sexual predator that is Jeremy/Jett, either/or, really, because why not? We know that in the summer, young girls have no integrity! That's the message to send the kids! Marcus Patrick, you are one hot-ass man but I'm afraid I just can't like you at all here. And what a waste of Jeremy Horton, who I personally always thought of as being a Nick type, and not, you know, Das Ubermensch.

Super-Soldier serum? Whut? Red Skull? Nazi clone? Ooh, don't be harshing my mellow, baby girl! Mmm, your skin smells like orange honeysuckle, Playdoh, and Nilla wafers! Oh, wait, that's me. That's my taint. My bad. Mmmm, breathe me in. Mind my headlights, girl, they follow you wherever you look.

So this coming week, I will be covering Y&R and GL, while Darn presumably lives up to his end of the bargain and covers OLTL and AMC, the latter of which is his babeh. Yes, we are switching networks for a week. Will it work? TIME WILL TELL. I will try to do GL daily, and Y&R twice or thrice a week, and I will probably consign DOOL to bi-weekly or weekend blogging, as I did this past week. Hope no one minds. Once again I have shamelessly ganked pictures from the MSN group Days Of Our Lives 2, as well as ThaaoPenghlis.com, sure to sue me. Enjoy your evening, for tomorrow, we look into the, uh, remains of the Light. Where Josh Lewis became a priest. A priest. Seriously, WTF. I don't know either.

Hmm, yes, I say, ripping good show, ripping good. Fancy a dash around the green? Go on then old son! Brilliant! A little fiddling about, play find the putting hole, a little jump the hurdle? Giving you what for, hmm? Swift rodgering? Yes? Brilliant!