Jul 31, 2006

Y&R - Monday - Faithful


If the Dalai Lama can be BFFs with the Richard Gere then he sure as fuck can guest star on Y&R. Come on, Dalai (or is it Mr. Lama?)! I smell "location shoot"!

Here's my take on Jack using Victor knowing he's mentally incapacitated, Victor would do something like this if he had to. Victor has never had to wait for Jack to be vulnerable, Jack has always been vulnerable, I don't mean emotionally, in business Jabot has been on the brink of death for what, 15 years? Victor has limitless resources to crush Jabot, Jack has had virtually none except for his relationships with Nikki, Nick and Vicki. My point is that I don't think this makes Jack any worse than Victor, just...his resources are different. Not that I excuse him, this is immoral and hideous but I don't think this removes the balance. It highlights it.

Did they seriously tie Sharon up and take her to Cleveland? Why? No, seriously, that makes no sense.

And JT and Sharon together? That's a peroxide bottle of dumb.

Even though they're running from GC in fear, Brad and Victoria go back to NE? Um, again, why? Do they need to travel across town in order to have a private conversation? I realize a jet is pretty small (not really) and they wanted their privacy but there's this new thing called "outside". Just a heads up.

I wish someone would tell me I'm Jewish. And I'm black so woah, crazy. Clearly Judaism is full of rockin' Rabbis so ya know, that's a plus.

Jul 29, 2006

Y&R - Friday - I'm the Jug--oh, forget it

Nick: Hey Noah, come here buddy. Have a seat.
Noah: Yes, dad?
Nick: I know you're pretty sad right now, I understand, my parents went through the same thing when I was a kid.
Noah: They did?
Nick: Yeah, like 10 times. Anyway, I was thinking maybe you could live with me for right now.
Noah: Where are you living?
Nick: Uh--you know Daniel's mom?
Noah: Mrs. Abbott? Yeah...
Nick: With her.
Noah: Huh? Why?
Nick: She's pregnant. With my baby. Your little brother or sister! Isn't that dope?
Noah: You want me to live with you and your baby's mom?
Nick: Well...yeah, buddy! It'll be fun! She's a cool chick, her fridge is like full of candy, she never makes me put the toilet seat down AND she has a PS3! From Japan!
Noah: Aww Fuck Yeah! Mom, pack my shit!

I don't hate Nick and Phyllis but they are coming across as rather odious, aren't they? What next? Naming the baby "Sharon"? "What, bitch? You don't OWN the name! Step off! Watch us fuck! On your couch! Watch!". But Sharon didn't mind letting Brad suck her neck as Nick watched, did she? Hmmm. The cesspool of classlessness that is Genoa City.

Speaking of pools, look at what I found! Brad's diary! It's a very interesting read. Very, um, enlightening.

If Brad's mom is old enough to have been involved in stolen Nazi art 60 years ago then I have a vagina. And I'm pretty sure I don't have a vagina. Lemme check.

[tick tock]

Nope, no vagina. Nice try, show!

Brad: We're going to Hawaii!
Victoria: Wh--Why?
Brad: Because I wanna!
Victoria: Okay!

Whoareyou?! Are you new? Are you retarded or somethin'? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch, I will stomp you!

"That joke is tired, son."
"I know but it's new for soaps!"
"Yeah but..."
"I know."
"Still, that chick is new."
"Brand new."
"New car smell new."

Oh and the results of our little Alex poll. Jack White won by a landslide! Except he didn't, I just wanted to say that. But he DID win and with that he doesn't get a fucking thing. Thanks for participating everybody!

Jul 27, 2006

Y&R - Wed/Thurs - Class without the "Cl"


Carmen: Phyllis is nice.
Dru: Dragon. Dragon. Watch your back.

Dru, you're lovely. I adore those Winters girls. From Dru's sickening sweetness with Carmen to the look Lily can Carmen when she started talking about her earrings. And the way she put Carmen's card in Daniel's pocket. It's the small things.

But Neil and Daniel need to get it together. Dru and Lily? ARE HOT! Rejecting sex from them is not cool and will warrant my five fingers saying hello to your faces if you don't stop it.


Of course Neil doesn't want Lily to get involved in Brad and Colleen's problems. "Thems white peoples! They got they bizness and we got our bidness, okay? Good girl, lawd chile, you gone kill ya poppa wit this crazy talk!" I hate devolving into black stereotypes, in fact I'm not proud about revoking Neil's blackcard. I just...don't like him. He's so pitiful, he's pathetic where other characters with far less intelligence and life experience are not. It makes me angry and discouraged that he'll ever be anything more. The fact that the most prominent African-American male on daytime has so little ambition or drive just ticks me off. He does absolutely nothing of any meaning whatsoever. Paul, who's about the same level of boring as Neil actually accomplishes things on his own (even as a piss poor detective he actually does attempt his job), Neil does nothing without approval or turning into a mopey sadsack. I just can't take anymore of this.


Amelia Heinle has very bouncy hair. If I focus on her hair I can stop looking at her face and sound out her voice. Such pretty hair. Pretty, pretty hair.

What is there a "Weird Fuckin' Hats" sale in GC or what, Alex? Dru would be all over that.

Jesus Christ, isn't Gloria supposed to be morally ambiguous? She's not grey anymore, she's straight up evil. What the fuck are they doing to her? So now she's proposing they knock out some girl and make it look like Alex raped her? Does she intend to eat her afterwards as well?

"Little girls taste like puppies."


Victor's a mutant! He's like Charles Xavier with hair and without the little girl love. Comic book geeks will get that.

Zapato needs his own spin-off, look how he owns every scene he's in. He won't simply tolerate Jack holding him, he's gonna lick Jack's face, Zapato knows when and how to highlight his numerous skills, he's building that resume. Soap operas? Pfft! No, no, in a few years everybody's gonna be all "Lassie who? Rin tin what? Benji? Bitch please.".

You know, Nikki, if you keep making that face it's gonna stay that way.

Nikki: Like what? I'm smiling. Can't you see me smiling?
Me: Oh...wow. Damn. Get that fixed.
Nikki: I am ESTATIC!

Colleen. Shutty. Long. Time. You say so much, you flashback so much, we care so little. So so sooooo little. It's too bad that you can't major in Ass Sitting, Paul would be excellent at that. "JT? Dead, maybe. Cleveland is a beautiful city, let's sightsee, Cols! Come on! Cols!"

Look at Sharon, she's getting the biggest kick out of this whole "drop off" thing, I bet she thinks she's a Bond girl now.

"I'm undercover! Don't tell anybody! They're after me! I'm strong and independent! BRAAAAAD!!!!"


Oh but wow, Sharon's "You know there's one good thing about this divorce, you won't be my mother-in-law anymore!". Sharon Case played that perfectly. Very effective.

Nick and Phyllis:
The Epitome of Class.

And that's all I'll say about them.

Y&R - Update

Sorry for the lack of a show update. You know how somedays you feel like a nut and someda--this analogy is going nowhere. Basically my point is that I'm a lazy bastard who didn't feel like watching Mah Show yesterday. That said, here are a few things I'm sure of:

Nick and Phyllis got their stank on and it was alternately hot and disagreeably wrong. But mostly face swallowing hotness.

Dru set the town on fire without the need for matches or gasoline or anything flammable really. Just her Druocity. New word, made it up, write it down.

Colleen whispered/yelled/whimpered for JT as he struggled in his bonds while wondered when his Daddy Bear would release him. Then he tried to figure out how to unzip his pants without using his hands.

Sharon decided that she wants a new go at her marriage except not, maybe, later, okay, what, yes, no, forget it, love you, hate you, Nick, please, no, Brad, can't, can, coochie, coo, kaleidescope, milshake, right, left, right, wrong, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Then she passed out from the strain.

Victor put Neil in a headlock while giving him a noogie and proclaiming him his "Brotherfromanothermother!". This was the best scene of the episode and it lasted for a solid 8 minutes.

Daniel and Lily were too cute to exist. And she sat on it. Daniel smiled. Okay, maybe this was the best scene.

Jul 26, 2006

Y&R - VaginaLips Say Smooch

Ya know I never intended to put videos on this blog but beautiful, beautiful people just keep on putting up Y&R videos at YouTube. I mean, can anyone resist Joan Van Ark as Gloria Fisher Abbott? I miss her. I really do. I like Judith Chapman, sometimes I verge on love but the writing really puts a halt to that. I loved loved LOVED JVA as Gloria, just heaping helpings of love.

Here's Michael and Gloria arguing and being pretty awesome in the process.

Look at that face! You can't not be revolted and enthralled by that face! It's as though someone went to Easter Island and said "These statues need blonde wigs and a little blush!". Joan, Joan, I say that with love.

Jul 24, 2006

Y&R - Fri/Mon/Tues - Blowin' Your Effin' Minds

Before we begin, a song...

La la laaaa la la laaa
Laaaa la laaaa la la laaa

My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer's day
My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way
My Cherie Amour, pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine

"Booooy, if you don't stop...go on."

This is just gonna be a clusterfuck (love this word, need to use it more, writing a note to myself) of a post because 3 hours of anything leaves you nearly braindead. This is fact.


Dru's return brought vim and vigor to Neil's usual boring self but his mopy expression just ruined the whole thing. Can Dru have a welcome home party without her husband? Yeah, that's what I want. "Neil? What's a Neil?".

Don't get me wrong, I FULLY understand why Neil is mad with her, I would be too (but not for long, it's Dru! You can't stay mad at Dru! Look at that face! God, I am so creepy) however could he handle this any more immaturely? Or seem anymore lame while doing so? He doesn't look like a man taking control of his life, he looks like a boy upset with his mom for not telling him Santa Clause wasn't real (SPOILER!). He's just to pathetic.

Neil has a BlackPixie on his shoulder that he actually listens to.

I adored Lily sitting on Dru's lap. That's real, mothers and daughters so that and I like touches of reality inbetween the craziness. I bet Victoria Rowell added that in.


I realize you should write to an actor's strengths and I also realize that Amelia Heinle has few of those but good God, could Victoria's reaction to what she believes was a mere kiss been anymore subdued? I'm good with a cool, steely anger. That's not what that was. I don't know what that was but it wasn't good. You know who she reminds me of now that I think of it, Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. And I double-chocolate chip almond fudge sundae HATE that wishy-washy fright mask-faced bitch.

Okay, okay, her firing Sharon verged on awesome. Now imagine that scene with Heather Tom. Let me know when you finish orgasming.


That was a pretty dirty move staring so hard at Nick as you made out with Brad, Sharon. I liked it though. I had high hopes you'd continue with that level of attitude but no, never gonna be that lucky. You can't keep a thought in your head for more than a moment, why should we expect you to keep up an emotion?

Was that Nick and Phyllis bar talk absolutely necessary? You're diluting the couple's spark with the overexposure.

Is Jack feeling guilty over what he's doing with Victor? Maybe. He has enough humanity to see how wrong all of this is. I hope.


Who? Oh, right. Michael and Lauren. I forgot they were on this show. So did Lynn Marie Latham apparently. NICE buildup to Michael wanting to find his father, such intricate, layered storytelling. Is my sarcasm destroying your computer screen? Instead we suffer through ClackBot and JT and Colleen while the couple with the ACTUAL FACTUAL chemistry lingers in the background waiting for their limbless baby.


Oh noes! JT's in DAAAAANGER! The suspense, the intrigue, the heartstopping, pulse pounding ac--

Stupid. You bore me. Shut up. Y'all don't even get a picture! I smite you!

And now...

with Linda Dano!

Linda: Hello! Hello! Helllooo! Phew! Thank--thank you, ladies! You are here on a lucky, lucky day! We have a special guest, oh boy do we have a special guest and lemme tell you he is so happy to be here with us! Happy! Woo!

[Audience cheers]

Linda: You might know him, maybe you've seen him over the years on his numerous Fortune 500 covers and him almost toping Forbes wealthiest people liste OR heard of his many philantrophist undertakings OR his many marriages--oopsies! HAHAHA! Here he is, Dog Fancy Magazine's Man of the Year, the incomparable VICTOR NEWMAN!

[The audience loses their fucking minds]

Victor: Ohohoho! Hello Linda!

Linda: Victor, darling, it's been too long!

: Toolong, Iagree!

Linda: Honey, you look good, great! You know I'm always excited to see you!

: AndIyou! I you! Linda, my friend, my good friend.

: So, how have you been? How are things?

: Good! Betterthangood! Perfection! Hohohohoho! You know Linda, IfeellikeaNewMan.

: Play on words! I love it!

: Doyooouknowwhoyouremindmeof? My father.

: Oh! Oh...

: He'sdeadnow.

: Oh, um, I'm sorry.

: ButIsawhimbeforehedied, sonobigdeal. Deal or No Deal! Mygrandsonsaidthattome, I say to him "Whatyoutalkin'boutWillis?" and he say "Grandpawhat'sthat?" andthenItellhimaboutArnoldandMrDrummond. He'ssotiny! Sad story!

: Um, yes, so tragic. Oh! We have a commercial! We'll be ri--

: Commercial! Hellomother! Hellofather! Fleasticksmosquitosreallybotherthanksforthepackagethat'swhyI'mwriting
K9Adavantixreallystopallthebiting! It does! Zapato! Idon't know why hedidnottellmehedidacommercial!

[Victor does a gun firing gesture towards the camera with his hand and winks. The audience sits there awkwardly]

Jul 21, 2006

Y&R - Brain Go S'plode!

Okay, here's the deal I'm going out of town until Wednesday, so no Y&R for me until then but BUT BUT I am still recording and that update is gonna be YUUUUGE! Yuuuge! It is gonna blow your motherfuckin' minds, you're gonna be like "Holy shit, man, I can't feel my legs!! MY LEGS! It's all numb!" and you're gonna love that feeling, no lie, and then, and then you're gonna just be in a daze for...days. Your friends and family will be like "What's up with [Insert Your Name Here] ? Did Darn from The wReck Center blow his/her motherfuckin' mind?".

That's what they're gonna say, verbatim, trust me on this.

As for now I'm leaving Jack, Corey, Jack and Michael to watch your asses.

Michael: I will not tolerate shenanigans!

OLTL - Why did you do this to me? I love you! I LOVE YOU! YOU BETRAYED ME! BETRAYAL!

In case any of you folks missed last week's classic "Spencer goes Ape on Truth Juice" scenes, here is a brief synopsis and transcription, complete with Paul Satterfield visual aids:

Spencer: Ohhh, mmuuugghhhh, feel so straaange, diff'reeennnttt...
Blair: Yes, Spinsurrr, sleeeeppp, SLEEEEPPPP and tell me your secrets.
Spencer: Suh? Muh? Buh? Drug? Drug me? Drug? Doctor! Doctor me no drug! No drug me doctor ganja! Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra! Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra!
Blair: Uh...
Spencer: Don't lie to me! I know, you drugged me, how could you do this to me, Blair? How could you do this to me?! I was saving the drugs for the wedding night! (beginning to cry) We, we, it was like this, baby, LIKE THIS, girl, why? WHY?! I thought we was cool!
Blair: Spencer, I haven't done anything, just relax...
Spencer (sobbing) : Ever since that first night, when I saw you...at the country club...and I stared at you for like four minutes without speaking, and you seemed a little freaked out, but not really, because you knew it was love too, ever since then, I've loved you so much, I'd do anything to have you, I even, I even had to give Margaret Cochran a gynecological exam, that shit was like The Legend of Boggy Creek, Blair! Like The Secret Of Nimh! I love you SO MUCH, Blair! (groggy, raving) I want to, I want you to impregnate me, with you, with your magical Valkyrie womanseed, and I can have a fanfiction male pregnancy, and rebirth you myself in nine months, fully-grown, so I can have given birth to you and proven my golden love!
Blair: ...Seriously?
Spencer: YES, dammit! Oh, your betrayal of my LOVE makes me SO ANGRY! Look at my nipples, they are ROCK HARD, fucking DIAMONDBACKS FULL OF ANGRY RED RAGE! (cups his ear to the air) Listen to them, Blair, these bitches are hissing! My angry nipples! They're hissing at you! Hissing because they know what you did! They smell your sin! Ssss! Hear them? Ssss! Sssss!! SSSSSSS!! AAAARRRRGGHHH! (throws table)

Blair (freaked) : Whoa! Whoa, whoa, Spencer, hey, calm down -
Spencer: No, fuck the coffee table, Blair, fuck it! It's gotten between us long enough, I'm framing it for the lamp's death, that bitch is getting the needle! (throws lamp) See? Lamp's dead, Blair! Lamp's dead, who did it? WHO DID IT, BLAIR?! WHO?!
Blair (inching towards door) : Uuuhhh...
Spencer (waving his hands) : No, no, no, baby, it's okay, baby, it's okay, no...no...I could never, I could never, I'm a doctor, I have, I have respect, sanctity, there's sanctity in every life, even if, even if I do bad things...(picks up another lamp on a nearby desk) See? See, Blair? See, this is the real lamp, it's still alive, it's still, it's okay, I just, that back there was just, that was just something I made to look like the lamp...I could never kill...could never...so pretty...it's like Kool Aid, Blair, I feel like the Kool Aid Man!...so alive, so full of energy, supercharged, electrified! I have the strength of ten men, Blair! It's like I fucked a unicorn in the ass and gained its magical horn of power! Do you see my horn, Blair? Do you? Look closely! I'm the Kool Aid Man, Blair, if I can pick up this couch and throw it it means our love is pure and true!

Blair: Uh, Spencer, you are not the Kool Aid Man -
Spencer: No! No more waiting! I have to fight my totem animal to save our love! UUUAAAAHHHRRRGHHH! (picks up couch and throws it, it lands with a huge crash; Spencer doubles over in pain) Oh my God! Oh my God! What a terrible mistake! I hurt so bad! It's cursed me with fire! My totem animal's cursed me with fire, in my back! That was a bitch move, couch! THAT WAS A BITCH MOVE! I'LL GET YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL GET YOU!
Blair: Spencer, if you just would stop throwing things -
Spencer: Why did you betray our love, Blair? Why did you date rape me? I need Preparation H for my brain, for my huge spongey brain! What have you done to me?! Oooh, my nipples are so HOT! They're telling me, Blair! They're telling me what you've done! What you're going to do! My abs are on fire with your treachery! Look at them heaving, glistening under the artifical light! Quivering in fear! It's okay, babies, it's okay, Daddy's here! I can't have your baby anymore, Blair! Die, bitch! Die! UUUAAAARRR!! (Spencer attacks Blair, attempting to choke her)


Jul 20, 2006

Y&R - Thursday - The Busted and The Bodacious

Sharon: Oh Brad, uh uh, oooooh Brad!
Brad: Sha-sha-sharon!
Sharon: No, no, Brad, we--yes! YES! BRAD!
Brad: Sharon!

Brad and Sharon commence their love making as Nick looks on.

That was a very good ending it must be said. I expected Phyllis to catch them but having Nick catch them instead? Jumps over so many plot contrivances (such as Phyllis not telling him and keeping it secret to "Protect Nick and Sharon's marriage", thank GOD they didn't do that shit) and one can't help but be thankful for that.

I hope Nick gets more angry for Victoria than he does for himself, his WIFE is screwing his SISTER'S HUSBAND. It's NASTY.

And oh, God, that bitch did not lose her balance over hearing that Nick is the father. Get a grip, woman! For God's sake.

Oh look Neil, it's a professional minority female (Brad's Asian banker)! Maybe you and she could share a milkshake at the local diner! Two straws! One drink! Live dangerously.

I dunno, that basketball scene between Neil and Carmen feels like it's been in at least 2 dozen other movies and TV shows. The man sexily teaches the woman how to sexily play basketball and it's all sexy. It's really not.




Also, HATS! CRAZY ASS HATS! You were missed.

Dru: Hi Daddy, I'm home!
Me: Ohh, baby, baby! Hiii, mami!
[hugs, kiss, kiss]
Dru: So, how ya been?
Me: Your husband plus skank equals me unhappy. And bored out of my brain, can't you get your man some Ginkgo biloba?
Dru: I know what I can give little miss mamacita, a can of whupass!
Me: Now on sale, only $9.95! Money back guarantee!

Jul 19, 2006

Y&R - Wednesday - Who Dat is? Just My Baby Daddy

And the fetus goes to...Nick Newman!

[Nick jogs over to the blog booth, wiping his brow with a towel]

Nick, Nick, how do you feel?
Nick: Man, I feel like I really put my all into it! I mean, I went there!
Me: You did, you did. Is there anything you would have done differently?
Nick: Wore a condom? Hahaha! No, no, nothing different.
Me: What--what do you think it was that pushed you over the edge?
Nick: Well, you know, you know.
Me: Haha! I think we ALL know but comeon, Nick, tell us!
Nick: I hate to say, hate to say it but I gotta give credit where credit is due, it's that Newman sperm! Those Newman swimmers! [points to his crotch furiously] All that jizz! Thanks dad, [presses his pointer and middle finger together and touches his lips as he raises his hand to the sky] much love!
Me: Well, great job out there, you really brought it home for us!
Nick: Thanks, man, thanks, I just did what I do best!

I was going to include a picture of sperm going "We gots it done, awww, yeah, motherfuckers! We fucked the mother!" here but a Google search on sperm brings up some nasty shit. I could only take so much.

Nick MUST have done something to those results, why else have him leave town? I say he, so desperately in love with Phyllis and still grieving his daughter and aching to have a child and fulfill Cassie's dying wish, changed the results. He'll rationalize it that Jack was being rather cruel to Phyllis and wanted little to nothing to do with her. He could also say that Jack already has two children he rarely spends time with but they probably won't go there. Anyway, I don't think the paternity isssue is quite over with just yet.

Okay, Alex comes across as a total gigolo. Seriously, like he's giving blowjobs behind dumpsters. You know, to feed his heroine addiction. It would explain so much.

"Eww! Gross...how much does it pay?"

Oh AC, you're too much.

I really like that Lily, Daniel and Colleen have jobs. And real jobs too, jobs that teenagers have, jobs that pay minimum wage, most soap kids live off Mommy and Daddy's "trust funds" or "inheritances".

Colleen, you dumb git. If I didn't care so little I'd be so mad at you!

I assume we're all done celebrating Nick's victory? Now for some polite discent.

Phyllis: Are you happy? I understand. It's a difficult situation.
Nick: I love you. I love our baby. But I have an obligation to my wife and son.


I'm spent.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll! Looks like Jack White is in the lead! Go Jack! I'm gonna send him a complimentary No-Prize. And I'm gonna keep the poll up until...let's say next Tuesday. So spam the crap out of it, I have!

Jul 18, 2006

Y&R - Tuesday - JackJackCoreyMikeFace

Daniel: Mmm, that feels good.
Lily: Because I am good.

Oh boy, we need a new word for hot because that was damn near combustible! Fucking Alex had to ruin the Daily Dily! And God, Daniel, you don't leave the girl that's aching to jump your bones? Okay, okay, a creep's on the loose but damn, she was all over your jock. You want her to sit on it, don't you? SIT ON IT, LILY!

HappyFunVictor is Gandhi and that? Is Awesome. I liked Victor having a Eureka moment of "I'll replace the pills!", Eric Braeden played it adorably. How wrong is that I'm using words like "adorably" and "Eric Braeden" in the same sentence? Truckloads of wrong.

Nikki's "I knew it was too good to be true." = "My husband's epilepsy was totally working for me. Thanks, Victoria. Thanks a lot."

I swear Alex was thisclose to grabbing Kevin's crotch and telling him the real price for his silence. That's a scene I would have watched. Like, a lot. Like 24 hour replay. Rrrrr--click--rrrrr--click---rrrr--click.

Look at Daniel in his pink button-down and Kevin in his baby blue dress shirt. Too cute. I bet they called each other that morning all "And what are you wearing? Get out! I'll wear my pink shirt, we'll be the pastel sisters! Hee! I mean, brothers. Brothers. Double hee!"

(click the pics to capture the true resemblance, it's astonishing)

Click the link for the poll

Michael: I find this offensive!
Corey: Oh man, oh man! Mike! Miiiike! It's been years! Years, bro!
Michael: Excuse me, who are you?
Corey: It's me, Corey! Corey Feldman!
Michael: I know no Corey Fieldmens, I don't know you!
Corey: We used to be homies, homes!
Michael: I am not in my house! You leave me! You are suspicious! Suspiccccccious!
Jack: So...
Jack: Tell me about it.

Jul 17, 2006

Y&R - Monday - Imma get chu! Ooooh!

ClackClackNarmFace: What's--whirrrrrrr-wrong?
Abby: Victor just stuck his hand in the fire!
Victor: NonoAbbyIdidnotdoitonpurpose!
Abby: Yes you did! Why did you do that?!
CCNF: I'm sure it was an accident, Abby.
Abby: The fuck it was! He just stuck his hands into the fire!
Victor: AbbyohnonoIamfine!
CCNF: Oh Gawd, dad!
Victor: I am fine! Itsbutaslightflame!
Victor: Oh, poo poo, Ididnotneeditanyway!

Look at Daniel and Kevin, recounting the whole Alex mess, like little Exposition Fairies. Apropo I must say.

I think Neil, Carmen, Phyllis and Jack just took the fastest elevator in creation. From senior level offices to the parking garage in 10 seconds flat! Woo!


I hate psychics in popular media, it's such shlockly, predictable, pandering crap. Ooooh, dark things are ahead for Kevin. Well, I predict that within the next day I'm gonna take a crap, maybe I'm psychic too! It's gonna be a moody, threatening and eerie one too. And probably dark. Did I just turn you off? I did, didn't I? No, no, wait, don't go. I promise no more talk of my future bowel movements.

Aw, girls, girls, I love you (well, I love Lily, I tolerate you Colleen and don't you forget it. Also, less mumus in your summerwear draw, for God's sake your barely 20) but a cameraphone isn't gonna fight off a gun.

Neil: I'm doing it!
Carmen: Do it!
Neil: I am doing it!
Carmen: Do it! Do it!
Neil: Done!
Carmen: This is insanity, Neil! ABSOLUTE INSANITY!
Neil: I know! There's a first time for everything! I am giddy with anticipation!

[Neil chooses strawberry milk over chocolate in the commissary]

Daniel is clearly being blackmailed by Michael Jackson.

"Ooooh! Danny, I am very very suspicious of you. You with your suspicious nature and your suspiciousness, ooooh! Imma get chu, Danny! With that Rock On song, trying to USURP ME! Not gonna happen! Never gonna happen! SHAMONE!"

OLTL - Todd's New Names Of Honor Party

Right, soooo, you all know I've been gone for like two weeks or whatever, because my new job has me working very long hours all week long, and I barely have any time to watch any of Mah Stories except in large blocks of several at a time, and so I'm really only getting to view some stuff now, like Todd's now-infamous Southern belle doyenne "coming out" party at the Palace, remember that? With the white suit and the dancing with Van? Yeah. So I don't know what you guys thought of it, but personally, I was watching it at like 1 AM after spending six to eight hours on my feet, and here's all my muddled mind can remember:

Dearly beloved! Mike check one two! Dearly beloved. Dearlybeloveddearlybeloveddearlybeloveddddd. What up. I am in effect. Make no mistake.
Viki (stepping out from the assembled crowd) : Todd, what is this...?
Todd (shooing her away) : No, Viki, no, you're too close, you're too close to the fire, too hot, no, go, go, back. Back! I'm in effect, back! (A long beat, and then Viki sighs and steps back.) Okay. So. As I was saying. I am in effect. Mike check one two one two. What up, my bitches. This is the new shit. I was dead, now I am alive. This is my crazy freak ass calypso resurrection. And you all will bear witness. Can I get a witness?
Evangeline (singing from out of nowhere) : Yes, you caaaannn!
Todd: Yes! God! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! (strokes Van's face) She knows what I neeeeddd! Not like some people who I have named Blair. Blair. I'm afraid your new callsign will be "Dirty Diana." You like the boys in the band, you know when they come to town. Etc, etc.
Blair: Oh, don't get me into this with you and your semen-colored overcoat.
Todd: The! Color! Is! Cream! You dirty bitch! I will eat you! My high light will consume your darkness! Here comes the Coming of the White, ho! Here it comes! Here it comes! You shall not pass!
Spencer: Just what the hell is this all about, Manning? Why have you called us all here?
Ricky (lisping) : Ooooh, I'm just happy to be invited!
Todd: Quiet, Polesmoque Columbus! Yes, that is your new callsign. "Ricky" is dead, "Polesmoque" lives! You see, that's why I've brought you all here. Now that you have bore witness to my resurrection, we shall begin with Phase Two: The Naming of The Assembled! Those who have brought honor unto themselves by aiding me in my time of my need shall be given new names, better names, names of valor, magic, and power. Those who have shamed themselves - well, you saw what's become of Dirty Diana.
Layla: I've always wanted an even less ethnic name!
Evangeline: Oh, name us all, Todd, name us all!!
Todd: I will, bitches! Settle down! (clears throat) First, we shall begin with the one who was once known as David Vickers.
David: Oh, man.
Todd: Silence! Valiant Sir Toad! Foul of face and flesh, thick with filth as he hippity-hopped in the marsh swamps, yet his pure intention shone through! David Vickers dies so Valiant Sir Toad might live! (raises glass) All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
Layla/Evangeline/Ricky (raising glasses) : All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
David: And yet oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been subject to that particular toast.
Natalie: Uncle Todd, have you been huffing paint?

Todd: Silence, Nipplex Muffintop! I will brook no insolence from you, even if you and your lover did fight bravely to prove my innocence! (turning to John) Come forward, Sybok! Claim your new name of honor! Your Vulcan cunning was my salvation!
Layla/Evangeline (singing) : Sybok! Oooooh Sybok!!
John (stumbling forward) : heymanmmrmmrmgrrrmgllwhiskey. (steps back)
Todd: Words of wisdom, o sage Sybok! Words of wisdom! Starr Manning! Faithful daughter, feisty wench! Step forward!
Ricky (nudging Starr, lisping) : Come on, Starr, step forward!
Starr: Yeah, okay, hi, Dad.
Todd: Dad nothing! Starr nothing! Your new name is Sub-Zero! For Sub-Zero is the truest, the strongest, the deadliest of all "Mortal Kombat" warriors! (raising glass) Honor and glory of the kill goes to Sub-Zero, for his victory is flawless!
Starr: Sub-Zero? I'm Sub-Zero?
Todd: Be wary of her, Polesmoque! Her ice blasts are deadly! Use the block button! A sweep kick will foil her! (hearty chuckle) Enjoy yourselves, it's a celebration.
Ricky (nodding excitedly, lisping) : I'll do that, sir!
Viki: Todd, honey, really, this is getting to be a bit much...
Todd: Oh, are we boring you, Mother Honeyface? Fair of temperament and color, how jolly your embrace! And yummy to taste! Mother Honeyface has never betrayed me! All hail her!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Honeyface! Oooooh Mother Honeyface!!
Viki: Would you please stop doing that?!
Ricky (to Cristian, lisping) : Hey, Mr. Manning's pretty cool, isn't he? I'm Polesmoque Columbus now!
Cristian (staring at Ricky incredulously) : Motherfucker tried to burn me alive!
Todd (laughing uproariously) : Ohhh, Honcho Sanchez! The past is forgotten between us! All is bonhomie and manly banter, for we have been made anew, warriors both! Our petty personal battles are ended, Honcho! To us victors go the spoils! All hail Honcho Sanchez!
Evangeline/Layla/Ricky (singing) : Honcho Sanchez! Oooooh Honcho Sancheeezzzz!!
Todd: Now there is the matter of the one who was once called Jack. Jack Manning. Manning Jack. Janning Mack. Janning Mack! Step forward!
Jack (shuffling forward from the back of the crowd) : Hi, alleged Daddy person.
Todd: Alleged indeed!
Evangeline (shocked) : How could you do this to him, Jack?! I don't judge you.
Starr: Dad, come on -
Todd: Sub-Zero's intervention will not spare you, Janning Mack! No, Jack, I'm afraid you have betrayed me for the last time. Your filthy deceit must be repaid with swift interdiction. Therefore, your old name is stripped from you. Henceforth your callsign shall be - "Pug Mug." Wear it with shame, Pug Mug! Wear it well! You wear it well! Pug Mug! Sisters!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Ooohhhhh Pug Mug! Pug Mug Pug Mug! Oooooh Pug Mug!
Todd: Meditate on your betrayal at second level, Pug Mug! Meditate and cry!
Jack (crying) : No! No, I won't!
Todd: Oh, you so will! Pug Mug is out of order. Pug Mug has become renegade! Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level!

Evangeline/Layla (wiggling fingers at Jack) : Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level! Renegade!

Jack (sobbing) : No! No! I will not go to second level with you!

Todd: You will! You will! If only you had been faithful to me, like Sub-Zero and Princess Choco! (turning to Evangeline) Yes, step forward, Princess Choco! More beautiful than Princess Toadstool, with higher jumping power, and a better kart driver than even King Koopa or Luigi! I will give you my flying raccoon tail and we will be wed in the land of the mushroom people!

Evangeline (sobbing with happiness) : Yes! Oh, God, yes! I know...somehow I've always known! I will marry you, Todd! Finally, someone who recognizes the...the Princess Choco within me!
Slow your unlearned heathen tongue, Princess Choco! Todd is no more; he expired in the Highfather's blinding white flames!
Blair: Okay, seriously, seriously, stop, what the hell is a 'Highfather?' Does this make sense to anyone?
Todd: Shut up, Dirty Diana! (to Evangeline) As I was saying, Todd is dead. I too have a new name. I too have been remade with honor. Todd Manning is dead, Choco. The ambiguously male specimen that stands before you is...Hot Rod Brannigan.
Ricky/Layla (singing) : Hot Rod! Ooooohhhh Hot Roooodddd!! Ooooohhhh-AAAAAAHHHH!!
Viki: Oh, my God.
Evangeline: I love you, Hot Rod!
Todd: And I you, Princess Choco! (embraces her; they start making out. Todd leans over to the assembled others.) This concludes our revels. Go, and may the giant be with you!
(People start filing out.)

Layla: Hey, wait a minute! Spencer and I didn't get named! I want my new name of honor!
Todd: Oh, yeah, right, sorry. Uh...Spencer is Cocksaber. You are faithful servant Rumpy. Peace out.
Layla (dejected yet hopeful) : Rumpy...Rumpy...!
Todd (still making out with Evangeline) : Yeah, uh, that drink wasn't free, Rumpy, leave the cash.

I apologize for that in the name of comedy. That is called fermented absurdism. Badly fermented.

I have just a few comments on the rest of the recent eps. First of all, what to say about the whole David/John/Thomas McBain nonsense. You know John was serious about getting to the bottom of this when that motherfucker traveled back through time to witness the murder! What kind of directorial, or writing, or whatever choice was that? John travels through time to see it? Come on. No. And I can't even discuss the twenty five year old gun that has been there, in the street, this entire time. Whaeva. Whaeva!

You know soap actors are dedicated when Rex and Adriana have to act absolutely bugshit terrified when they are attacked by OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK BACK UP OFF ME a live butterfly! And then the fucking butterfly is just fluttering around the room, yippety-skippety, and what is the next line? What is the next line John-Paul Lavoisier has to deliver with utter, solemn conviction, dead ass serious?

"That son of a bitch knows we're here."

Fucking classic!

Look at Dorian and Clint trying to pretend they're getting crunked on tequila. That shit is Gatorade. Gatorade!

Can we talk about the elephant in the room, please? The big pink elephant? Marcie is batshit crazy. Okay? She's been that for a long while now and it keeps getting worse the worse her storylines get. Big bug eyes, just hysterics, it's awful. That shit with Baby Tommy, the bitch was insane. What was that? What was that? It had been like two weeks and Marcie was ready to take up a fucking Jennifer "Ape Bananas Surprise Carly" Bransford Memorial Garden Sickle to cut Janice the social worker before giving her or any of "the pigs" (you know that's how Marcie sees them now) Tommy! You know she was nipple-feeding that baby, too! She was acting like Chris Rock in New Jack City and they were trying to get her off crack! "No, Janice, Tommy needs sleep! Babies need sleep! Sleep baby sleep! No! Nooo! Don't make me hurt you, Janice! I'll suck your dick, Janice!" For God's fucking sake, Marcie.

I cannot even talk about that shit with Spencer and the truth serum and his Hulk flashback. That will wait for another time. "Pretty Blair have pretty yellow hair! Why hair so yellow, Blair? Blair betray me! Roots chemically altered! Why executive producer make Blair stay too yellow? Spencer smash executive producer!" Spencer is angry, y'all! He's the Juggernaut, he's ready to fuck, he's born ready! His theme song is "Act A Fool" and he's about to wild out and throw a chair at your ass! Run, bitches, run!

Yeah, I am so off the game. I am sorry I have been gone so long. I will try to get into a semi-regular schedule. That is, when I am not working myself to death. Vultures! Vultures!

I would like everyone to note that the 'elephant in the room' phrase is so not a fat joke.