Jun 30, 2006

DOOL - Tues-Thurs - You evil bastards! Give me back my HAAAAND!

Strange Voice (whispering) : Psst. Phil. Yo, Phil! Phillip! Felipe!
Phillip: Whuh? Huh? Who - who's there?
Strange Voice: You know who this is, Phil.
Phillip: N - no! No! Not you again! Get out of my head! You're not real!
Strange Voice: Aw, Phil, don't play, don't play, baby, you know I'm like the Matrix, I'm realer than real! I'm realer than - oh, what's that? What's that? What am I - what's on my mind, onna tip a'my tongue? Oh yeah, that's right! I'm realer than your weak-ass leg!
Phillip: Nooooo!
Strange Voice: Hell yeah, playboy, hell yeah! That leg wasn't no good for you, baby boy! That leg failed you when shit was high-water intense! "Oooh, a landmine, I gotta jet, Phillip, because I's a pussy!" That's your trick-ass old leg, Phil! Flesh fails, playboy! Flesh fails! That's why I'm here, that's why I replaced that old leg. I got your back now, Phil. I got your back, your ass, your jock, your taint, I got all of it! I'm'a look after you, playboy! I'm'a look after us!
Phillip: No...(hiccup, snort)...you're not real...
Evil Leg: Yeah, yeah, shut up, whinin' like a bitch. We gotta talk, playboy. We got pertinent issues. I got, I got - I got a resolution I gotta, uh, put through the House, and I need to apprise you, you knows, get you clear on the issues. Y'see, the resolution goes a little something like this - ahem-hem - "Resolution of Recognition that that whore Belle likes the Hot Karl from Shawn punk-ass Brady."
Phillip: No!

Evil Leg: Aww yeah, Phil, she likes the Hot Karl! Belle likes the Hot Karl with Shawn Brady, she likes the Uncle Charlie, the Joe Versus The Volcano, the Devil Dinosaur, she likes it all, Phil! Only from Shawn Brady! I seen it, Phil! I seen it with my own two eyes! That shit is like Baskin-Robbins, 31 flavors of nasty-ass fuckery but it's all Shawn Brady, Shawn Brady-bought, Shawn Brady-owned, Shawn Brady-sold! Shawn Brady, the name you trust for freaky sex with Phil's wife! It's a Shawn Brady Fuck Emporium! It's a Shawn Brady Ass Expo '06, held at the Marriott Marquis, in the Sunset Room, with only one bitch on the confirmed guest list! And it ain't his wife, playboy! I promise you that! Bitch looks like Gadget from Rescue Rangers, sounds like her too! I wouldn't fuck that with your flesh leg, Phil! But Shawn makes do! Shawn makes do with your wife! They make do all ni-ight lo-ong!
Phillip: No! You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life -
Evil Leg: This is Ceti Alpha V! Phil, just let me handle it, baby, let me handle your business, like I always done. Ain't I been good to you, baby? Ain't I wiped your nose, dried your tears? Ain't I more of a daddy to you than your old-ass flesh one...
Phillip (snuffling) : Snif...yes...
Evil Leg: Then I got this, playboy, I got this! You hear? Just let me take care of it. Just let me handle this. It'll look like true love, baby. Like they went off together. I can dummy up the messages and everything, I'll take his car to the airport, it's all good. She'll have a little accident...then he'll get his ass checked...and then they both live happily ever after, six feet under the motherfucking ground. In the earth, Phil! In the earth! I'll take the car to the airport...I'll fake the messages...I'll even do the deed, baby. But you gotta help with the clean-up. And you can't go pussyin' on me at the croosh moment.
Phillip: I-I...I...
Evil Leg: I know you be wantin' this, Phil. That bitch is like Hardee's, her shit is atrocious but she stays open anyway. It can't be allowed, playboy! It can't be allowed. That woman is floutin' the rule of your law! I propose some motherfucking censure! Who loves you, baby? Who loves you?
Phillip: lance corporal stump, sir.
Evil Leg (Lance Corporal Stump) : Hell yeah.

I do have to say, though, this show is really improving by leaps and bounds. Jumbo the Holy Whale's plots are still in place, and there are definitely some cliffhanger and plot beats that stink of him, as well as some dialogue, but mostly everything seems to be rapidly reassembling into something much less ass. The dialogue, especially among families, seems earthier, but also more mature, more articulate. I never understood what Reilly was so afraid of, making people talk and act like adults instead of uber-Catholic children with thyroid problems.

I also don't understand all the desperate JERk apologism. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about! Even as people praise change for this show and cheer for the new writers, they seem to want some "out" to let JERk have some dignity, some excuse for his writing. There is no excuse. This motherfucker got his ass fired, okay? Let's be real. He was fired because his show ate donkey cock. He was brought back on by NBC as the magic miracle man who could save Days, let's give him whatever he wants, blah blah blah. Reilly got to do what he liked, until he fucked it up so bad that they had to make some changes. That island bullshit was the only way out of his crappy storyline. And I knew it was a rewrite back then, even when the whole motherfucking James Reilly Scouts of America Organization was all uppity and "No, James has a plan, a manifesto, it's a great vision, it's Gary Cooper in The Fountainhead, you dare not blaspheme him! Nobody rewrites James E. Reilly!" Oh, fuck you bitches. James E. Reilly got his ass rewritten and you all know that now and you know why. This show is NBC's bitch, it's not like the show made Reilly change his ways. Don't blame it on Corday when you know you can't. Everybody knows James Reilly's work on Days is a steaming pile of excrement, and yet even as they cheer for his ouster and replacement, some of these motherfuckers are still all, "oh, if only they'd let Reilly write, if only they'd let him have his vision, oh, I can't wait for him to dazzle us again!" You can't wait? Are you really sure about that? Did you really want more of Reilly's magical vision for that shit? It was shit then and you know it! You can't cheer for the new writers dismantling his work and then say, "oh, but he's still so wonderful, how dare Days treat him this way." There is no saving face for JERk. There is no way to keep his dignity for him, because his work has none. Stop trying to polish a turd. Look, I grew up watching a lot of his crap too. I loved Vivian, I loved Kristen, okay, I loved Maison Blanche and Billie/Bo/Gina. But otherwise it was pretty much all bad then, okay? The Possession was infamous and fun but it was bad writing, we all knew it, even then. It was written for children, and we're not children anymore. Put down the nostalgia crack pipe, y'all, and embrace adulthood. This motherfucker sucks.

Ahem. So anyway, the show is really improving. Hooray. I loved Steve and Kayla's Magical Mystery Tour...to the fucking jail. Even Mary Beth Evans could barely sell that long exposition about their history, though. "And then we were on another show, and you shot me, and I fucked you anyway! Crazy!" They're both so wonderful, though, I can't dog them much. I did think Patch's amnesia crack den was amusing, though. We know that motel room was a crack den, right? Steve Johnson smokes rocks. Patch, why did you have to drink old water from a popcorn tub? That did not look sanitary.

So clearly Power Glove (Glovey? Danny Glover?) here is not Kate. Fine. I can only assume that in true Reilly fashion this motherfucker is probably EJ the newbie or something. It better not be a DiMera. I swear to God, if it's Tony, I will - I don't know what, you know, it's just, there's violent implications, is all I'm saying. Lexie's leaving to take the damn call was hilarious. Who does that in the middle of the big confrontation? Only on DOOL. "Oh, yes, Lucas. Sami has much to answer for. And she's going to take it all, right now, in front of all of you. I only hope this apartment's structural integrity can take my righteous thunder - Oh, snap, I'm getting texted! Shoot! Brb, y'all!" (klomp klomp thump)

Sami's explanation for Lexie was just as bad. Whining about her parents and the damn fuck session on the conference table at Titan. Yes, Sami, we know. "Oh, it was tewwible, Austin! Tek and Lexie, they were, they were putting their thing down, flipping and reversing it! It - I thought he was huuuurting herrr!"

So, you'll love this, my output may get even scarcer! Starting next week, I start some full-time summer work on behalf of a certain party, and I am going to be out there nine to ten hours a day, five days a week. Clearly, my artistic/humorist goals have now degraded from "three updates a day for three shows," to "two or three updates for three shows a week" to "two or three updates for two or three shows per week." I'm going to manage it as best I can. And I do have some GH and OLTL material coming. Unfortunately, I am not nearly as funny as Darn. But I will still attempt to dance like a carnival monkey and entertain you. Dance, dance!

Jack and Jennifer: Getting Crunked & Wildin' Out '06

Jun 28, 2006

Y&R - Tuesday & Wednesday - Cleopatra Comin' Atcha!

Okay, get ready for it, I'm about to hit you up like a whore at a Friar's Club Convention! Let's go!


Jill's tits say hello : "Hellllllo!"

Nikki: This--this is the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL! Until...until the next betrayal! But right now? Right now it's the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL! I will never, ever forgive you, Victor! Until I forgive you! But not before then! NOT BEFORE!

Poor Zapato. Traumatized for life. A few months ago and I would have been "TIMBER!" but now I'm all worried about Victor. What the hell?

I like that Nikki put her call to Victor on speakerphone. That way she could sustain her bitchface while also checking on her husband.

Brad: Patronize. Patronize. Patronize.
Neil: Yessum. Yessum. Yessum.

Yeah, you shut up Brad. But you shut up more Neil. You know what? I'm taking it. I am taking it. Hand it over. That's right, your Black Card is mine. Now I have two and you have none and you won't get it back until your balls drop and you start being a fucking man.

I like Judith Chapman. I like Greg Rikkart. I love Christian LeBlanc. But holy crap do Gloria, Kevin and Michael suck right now. They just tricked KATHERINE AND JILL. I'm sorry but no, Kay knows when shit doesn't smell right. Glad she caught on. But she DID NOTHING ABOUT IT.

Everyday Gloria gets called a new Disney Villainess. Since this is a double posting she's Cruella De Ursula. Which means she kills puppies with her tentacles.


Nick: So...ever been in a club?
Phyllis: Um, sure, sure, I was a Brownie actually.
Nick: Huh. It's hard for me to imagine you, Phyllis, firecracker that you are, as a Brownie.
Phyllis: Yeah, me too and I was there. But--but why'd you ask?
Nick: I was thinking maybe you'd like to join another one. A club, I mean.
Phyllis: Oh, really? What's it called?
Nick: Mile. High. Bomchicki-bomwaaaaaaah!
Phyllis: Nick?
Nick: BOMCHICKI-BOMWAAAAAAAAAHH! [thrust thrust thrust]


Nick: You ever been in the Dumbo ride?
Phyllis: Ah, ah, ah, no, I've never been to Disneyland!
Nick: No, no, not Disneyland, the Dumbo riiiide! [Nick gestures to his crotch] This ride isn't known for it's big ears, it's known for it's big ass trunk. What. What.

They see me rollin';
They hatin'.
And tryin. to catch me ridin. dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.

"It's been awhile since you yelled out my name with that much intensity." Clearly Joshua Morrow enjoyed saying that line. It was cute the way they built up to Nick holding Phyllis' hand, with the close-ups of her hand throughout the episode and him staring at it.

Victor holding Zapato!!! while asking "Why was I on the floor?" is alternately one of the most creepy, adorable, frightening, sweet, hilarious and just plain weird things I have ever seen. Victor is gonna be maaaaaad when he gets better.

With those cops suddenly the African-American population of Genoa City doubled. At least since I took away Neil's Black Card. That's right and YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT BACK!

Victoria: Wrrrrrrr.
Brad: You are a woman of great fortune, you know that?
Victoria: Wrrrrrrr--ratitat--wrrrrrrrr!
Brad: I love you, Victoria.
Victoria: WRRRRRRRRRR. CLINK. I'm sorry, were you saying something, BradLEE? I can't hear a thing when my teeth are self-cleaning! Oh right, yes, we were robbed! I'm scared! Hold me!


Is the break-in part of the new headwriters "flashes of realism" thing or whatever it was called or part of Brad's past? The real question is, do we care? Honestly? Maybe. If they can make it interesting. Only then.

JT and Colleen:

Will do!

Jun 26, 2006

Y&R - Monday : Turbulence

The lips say no...

The eyes say "Fuck me. Fuck me raw. Flip me over. Flip me forwards. Up. Down. Sideways. Around. SWIRL! Swirl, motherfucker, swirl! That's right! Make me scream! YES! YES! Harder! Now slow it down. Slow it down...then speed it up! SPEED. IT. UP! Awwwww, yeah, booooy!"

I'm not a "fan" of Phylick but they have a nice sexual chemistry. And I can imagine Nick grabbing Phyllis and them causing a hell of a lot of turbulence up on Fuck Me Air. Bing Bang Crash.

But but BUT that fantasy shit? Listen, listen, Lynn. Sit down. Have a seat. Sit. Lynn, this ain't a request, have a fucking seat. Thank you. This is The Young and The Restless, if you want Days of Our Lives go over two dials. We--and I speak for the entire viewing audience, they have my back--won't stand for that fantasy BS. Won't stand for it.

Speaking of BS, Brad and Sharon, I'm gonna ship you a gallon of Shut The Fuck Up. I want you to drink it fast and drink it well. Fucking buzzards. Victor isn't hearing buzzing, he's hearing the ramblings of BradBot and Skank Nation.

Victor: Idonotunderstand! I do dis out of loveformybeautifulNikki! She is--sheismyreasonfortheseason! I--I donotknowlifewithouther, you know thatJagAbbott! I make her snow--waitforit--flowers! Imakehersnowflowers! She will forgivemethen!

Even while mentally incapacitated Victor still fucks up Nikki's business dealings. It must be instinct.

Kevin: You guys, YOU GUYS! Okay, okay, you guys, I just got off the telegraph with the Wright Brothers, they totally think this whole "flying" thing could work! Huzzah!

Ashley observes Kevin and his minimal, 1999 computer skills. He's probably using VB 5.0! LOL! W00t!


Jun 23, 2006

GH - Oh Yes It's Whores Night. And the feeling, it is right.

Lainey/Louise: And here we are again!

Liz: Time to lick it, slam it, suck it!

Dr. Lee: Whaaazzuuuppppp??!!! Waaiiooowww!

Robin (scanning the crowd) : None of these men even vaguely resemble Stone. That guy sort of looks like him after the cocktail, but it's not the same. It's going to be slim pickings tonight...

Liz: Oh, honey, stop fretting. I am here to get crunked!

Lainey/Louise: Awww yeah, the slooziest bar in town! Ladies, this is just what we needed to do to honor Justus' memory! Dank-ass pit! Looks like The Dark Crystal in here! The truckers here will kill my ass and leave my stuff in the glove compartment, yeah!

Dr. Lee: Yatta! Whaaaahhhh! Aaaaahhhh!!

Liz (confused) : Hey, waitaminute, we're missing a certain someone. Where's Em -

(Just then, Sonny arrives and sits down next to them, Jazz Hands a-waving.)

Sonny: Whooo! Whooo! Whoooooo!!! Whoo-hhhaahhh!! Yeah! Y - yeah! What's up, ladies! What's - how you - what's up?!

Robin (taken aback) : Sonny.

Sonny: Gold star! (laughs, points to Robin, turns to Dr. Lee) Gold - gold frickin' - star - she, she got it in one -

Dr. Lee (laughing along with Sonny) : Aaaaahhhh! You crazy bitch! Aaaahhh!!

Sonny: Aaaahhhh!! Whoooooo!! (waves Jazz Hands at Dr. Lee) I don't even know what, what you are, some kind of alien - okay - we gotta, yeah, we gotta slam that, suck, lick - we gotta - hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wo - ladies - how you all doin'? How you, how's - what's goin' on? How's your week? How's your week?!

Robin: You know, I think we were expecting Emily -

Sonny: How's your week?! How's your week?! Whooooooo!!

Dr. Lee: Waaaaahhhhh!!

Sonny: Whooooo!!

Lainey/Louise: No, no, this is okay, it's okay!

Liz/Robin: It is?

Lainey/Louise: It's, yes, we should, Sonny should be here, he cared about Justus too. By the way, I didn't really know Justus, you all probably knew him much better, we were acquaintances, so, really, whatever happens tonight, or, or soon in the future, I could pretty much just do, be with anybody, it wouldn't, it's not about...whoring.

Liz: You dated Justus like eighteen times in a year.

Lainey/Louise: Sorry?

Robin: Lainey, we saw you out on dates with him at the Metro Court. You and Justus were dating.

Lainey/Louise: Say what? (laughs) Oh, girl, that's the Sustiva talking! Girl, you crazy! Shots! We need shots! Robin needs extra! Yeow!

Sonny: Ow! Ooowww!!

Dr. Lee: Aaaaahhhh!!

Liz (improvising) : So...Sonny.

Sonny (laughing and drinking) : Elizabeth.

Liz: How is -

Sonny: Elizabeth.

Liz: Ye - yeah?

Sonny: Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

Liz: Yes?

Sonny: Elizabeth! Elizabeth!!

Liz/Robin: What?

Sonny (pounding table rhythmically) : Elizabeth! Elizabeth! (turning to each woman) Robin! Lou - Lainey! Y - whoever you are! I have no idea! Ling Ling! A-and...


Lainey/Louise: Sonny! Whoooo!!

(The howling trio bursts into drunken laughter.)

Liz (to Robin) : Ripley, I'm scared.

Robin (staring into her shotglass) : Newt, stay close.

Sonny (waving drink, holding forth) : ...You know what, you know, who I like, I like that...for music? I like, I like that - I like that Miami Sound Machine. They're, you might not, might not have heard of them, they're a new group, they're...regional...acquired...taste...but I, I like them. They are great. I like them! I love them! Them and, and that, that Bryan Adams. Young, he's young, but he's, he's got talent. You, you, Lainey, what, what music, what soul music, do you like?

Lainey: Well, I -

Sonny: I like that band Living Colour! "The Glamour Boys!" Da-da-da! Ha ha! Whooo!!

Dr. Lee: Aaaaaahhhhh!! gomen nasai, gomen nasai.

Sonny: You like, you - you got a thing for Billy Ocean, don't you - Lainey?

Lainey (laughing) : Oh! Ha, no -

Sonny: You - aaaaahhhh - you got it! Ha ha! Aaahhh! You got a thing! You, I can see it, I can see it, you don't lie, don't lie, you can't, can't lie, my, I, my retinas burn through the lies, they eat 'em! They eat the lies! You wild bitch! Burn through to the truth! Aaahahaha! Whoo! No, no, really. No, this is, I'm coming from...a sincere. Place. What - what men - what boys do you like, ladies?

Liz: I'm not comfortable with this -

Lainey/Louise: Why you gotta play it like a little bitch, Elizabeth? This is for Justus!

Sonny (laughing) : ...You know when I was a kid, my mother, she was your age, she begged and borrowed! On the streets! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, she...worked for scraps! Hahahahaaaa! Couldn't have no, no...liberation! Lib! Women's lib! Begged and borrowed and scraped and my stepfather, his name was Deke, he beat the hell out of her. Black eyes everyday! Whoo! And, and he put me in a closet - yeah! Yeah! In a closet, and he - and so I gave her the keys to the car, and -

Dr. Lee: Sooonnnyyyy!! Whaaaaahhhh!!

Sonny (laughing) : Aaaahhhh! Whooo!! Don't interrupt me! (pounding table) Elizabeth! Robin! Ling Ling! Lainey!

Robin (standing) : Okay, this is, I gotta -

Sonny: Robin.

Robin: No, Sonny.

Sonny: Robin. Robin! Robin!! Robin! Robin! (joined in by Lainey and Dr. Lee) ROBIN! ROBIN! ROBIN! You have to - come here - you need to, we have to slam and lick!

Oh, lord. General Hospital, the show which finally shows us the realities of that everyday situation we've all been in at least once in our lives - when our bipolar, psychotic, crimeboss boyfriend twice our age shows up to crash our Whores Night at Jake's and make all our friends feel awkward and funny. That was some funny shit. They could keep this bipolar Sonny story going forever and I would never get bored. His acting is hilarious. The bug eyes, the "I saw a ghost!" face, it's great. Motherfucker looks like Ichabod Crane in the Sleepy Hollow Disney film. It's a package, it's magic, it's jazz hands magic! And Ric - well, Ric's apparent rationale of "get Sonny drunk and crazy enough until he either sodomizes me or has to be committed, so I can finally help him" is so batshit crazy and yet so perfectly batshit crazy Ric Lansing that it is magic to watch too. I love how Ric turns into "The Uppity Tourist Who Demands Special Service From The Hotel Management" in all his scenes with Max.

Ric: Oh, okay, Max! Okay, okay, okay! That's fine, Max, don't let Sonny drive his own car! Like a man! He's - what kind of lightweight are you, Max, Sonny knows his limit! What - you - you got a problem, Max? You got a problem? You got a problem with me? You're the employee, Max! You're the employee! I am the customer! I'm the customer, Max! I'm - I'm your - you know what, how about we rename the house, Max? How about that? How about we call 'Maxadu?' How about that? We, we can make the business, we can call it 'Max Limited.' How about the whole town becomes Port Max? How about that, Max? Because it's just your world, Max, it's just your world, and, and, and, and me and Sonny, we, we just live in it! Shut the fuck up, Max! Get me a - I want a Shirley Temple! Go into the kitchen and make it! Like my mother!

Oh, Ric. Such an ass. Such a fucking crazy lunatic psycho ass. But it's so funny.

Why the fuck were they letting Lulu into supposedly hardass Jake's? Does not compute. Jake's has gone downhill like everything else in town.

Look into Lorenzo's eyes. You can tell he is beginning to suspect Skye is a man.

Thank God Manny took time to shave in between his stalking. I'm the only one that saw that, I guess. Whatever.

Okay, so this one's short. Sorry. Been a long week, very busy, and I do three shows so unlike some people I probably won't be able to manage all three daily. But I'll try to keep up on 'em all as regularly as I can and I hope that's okay. I have a lot to say about DOOL and the newly-infamous K___ B___, who I think can now be written about but I'm not sure. We'll get to that tonight, maybe. As OLTL circles the drain, that show just keeps getting shockingly better. It's down to Patch! Patch and Bryan Dattilo's yummy 'used-to-be-chubby' chest! Okay, maybe not Bryan Dattilo. But I enjoyed him. Okay. Anyway.

Y&R - Friday : Shenanigans!

Note: No Y&R for me today, due to my own stupidity I didn't tape. Anyway, a few weeks ago on TWoP some brilliant, brilliant posters decided to honor this ridiculous and wondrous show with a poem. I take no credit for this, this is all them, I merely want to share the love.


Once upon a time in Genoa City,
there lived a spokesmodel
who acted quite shitty.

Her husband cheated on her,
with a redhead who's cuter,
so Sharon got even,
and showed a Cylon her cooter.

"Naw, naw, baby, it's supposed to glow like that. Protection? No, but I do have a plan."

They met in New York,
her hair looked so fake,
her bodice was ripped,
they ate porterhouse steak.

Now Sharon is home,
and we have Noah to thank,
that Nick's marriage isn't over
to this two-bit skank.

jparnell313 continues...

Nick thought he'd be happy
like Bobby McPharin
but he will be miserable
staying married to Sharin

"Fuck that shit. I'm worried as hell! He's got a plan, y'all!"

Playing fake nice but
acting passive aggressive
because she can't get over
her Bradley obsession

is too stupid to notice
that her marriage with Brad
is already hopeless....

smartyshorts finishes off...

Way too concerned with
Her Boogie Bugle Boy Bradley
ClackClackNarmFace has become
A patsy, sadly

The Andrews Sisters would like to personally thank Victoria Newman for setting back the Women's Movement 20 years:
"Victoria Newman."
"Victoria Newman!"
"I'm not a man! I don't understand."

No reason his secret
can't be found out in a wink
Other than the stup-osity
Of that Shiny Bitch and his Twink!

Jun 22, 2006

Y&R - Thursday : PunchPow!

Even brain damage can't suppress the power of the Black Tee.


Victor: Nikki! Nikkidarling, lookit what I got forJagAbbott.
Oh. What is it?
A puppy! Likemypuppy, notasgoodasmypuppy Zapato! butveryverygood!
Ah, and what is her name?

One day I will stop mocking HappyFunVictor. That day is far off in the future so eat it, bitches!

Sharon is so...so...so...remedial. Sure, she likes when a stiff dick is in her but gets all wishy washy and angsty afterwards. Stop having sex and immediately regretting it, you dim broad! I realize I might sound like a mysoginis but really I'm not (Paul is a ShinyChestedBitch for one and where is he? I need him back, this blog is nothing without some SCB mockery). I'm just sick of her shit. If she had some Great Grand Plan to punish Nick I could get behind that, it would show a focus she has never exhibited before and give her character some purpose, but no, since this is Sharon she's got to go from one extreme to the other. "I HATE YOU NICK! No, no wait, I mean I hate cottage cheese. No wait, I WAS talking about you! Fuck me Brad. I mean, don't, make love. No no no! Yes! Marco! Polo!"

Victoria: Hi Mama!
Me: Oh my GAWD. DIEDIEDIE! Diedeediediedeediedie. Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!

Nikki looked like a flight attendant in that getup. Not cute. And ClackClack's fucking snowflake blouse. Did--did she not notice the holes in her shirt? What the hell is wrong with her? Seriously, Heather Tom wouldn't have stood for this shit.

However Phyllis' Veronica Lake hair was very attractive.

I know Phyllis and Jack are getting along but the way Phyllis said "conference room" and Jack said "I'll meet you there" and then she said "I'll setup." HOT. I swear the conference room is a euphemism for "Straight Bangin'". At least it should be. I'm going to conference you in the conference room.

I'm gonna conference all over you face.

And let me be honest, my recording stopped at the :37 minute mark so this isn't as extensive as I'd like. I bet Zapato pissed on my DVR.

Jun 21, 2006

Y&R - Wednesday : Spotting The Dick

Before we begin, a game
(click on the pic)

It's not that Brad steals identities, he simply has a propensity for baseball team photos.

Is Victoria...wearing...a giant...apron? Aw hell. Enough of you, ClackClack. You and your peasant tops and giant apron-like dresses. Looking like a damn fool in front of company.

Noah: So mom, should I call Mr. Carlton "Uncle Brad" now?
Sharon: Oh! Oh, no, no. Call him daddy. I do! Ladeeda.

Look at how angry Lil'Bastard (tm jparnell313) gets, he's gonna fuck that shit up! Fuck that shit up, what? FUCK THAT SHIT UP, WHAT?! Imagine that on beat and "rapped" like Mystikal. Much funnier that way. In my head.

Nick: What's wrong?
Sharon: Nothing. I mean, something. I'm confused.
Me: When are you not confused? You're simple is what you are.

Ewwww to Nick and Sharon. Two attractive people kissing should not alert my Gross-O-Meter. But they're...just wrong now.

Now I love this HappyFunVictor, love this story, Eric Braeden is impressing me for the first time in years (seriously, it's the most challenging story he's had in years and he's hitting every scene out of the ballpark, could anyone see Maurice Benard willing to play dumb? I see an Emmy nom in his future, I'd love to see EB and Peter Bergman both nominated for best actor) however, Nikki, sweetheart, your husband is acting like a mentally handicapped child, there is an issue here.

Now let's fanwank this, Nikki a woman who has been just ever so slightly emotionally abused by Victor finally has a Victor totally committed to her. It must be nice for her, really. But the regflags are every damn where.

Crazy talk! Victor is FINE! JUST...just fine? Snowflakes? What The F? Shit.

I played charades with my niece the other night. Really. It was fun. I had to act out "Cinderella", it involved me dancing with myself, a garbage bag for a dress and throwing her tiny flipflops off my feet. Stop judging me. I see you.

There are many cute and cuddly things in the world but nothing compares to Lily in pigtails. That shit is adorfuckinable. Now give your husband a comb, you never don't look put together, he goes out in public with uncombed hair and plaid shirts with ties and torn jeans and like he just mowed someone's lawn.

SWOO(SH)P UPDATE: He's breaking free! You can tell! Peter's developing a little tuff. Oh, he's coming back. The Swoo(sh)p will not be reined in! He will return. It's only a matter of time. Only a matter of time...

Jun 20, 2006

Y&R - Tuesday: The End of Days

Somethin', somethin' in the distance...

Y'all hear that?

I heards it, boss and I am scurrrred!

As am I, my brotha, as am I.

Jack: Looks like Zapato is the new director of Human Resources...

Victor: Oh HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! YouarefunnymanJagAbbott! OHOHOHOHOHOHO! Thatmakemelaughsomuch! [wipes tears from eyes] Ineedanappyformyeyes! Ohohohohohohohoooo!

Jack: I'm...uh, glad I could make you laugh.

Victor: Youknow, JagAbbott, I love you.

Jack: Uh, uh, yeah, me too, bud.

Victor: Buuuuuuuud! Oh Rudy, youmakemelaugh! That Vanessasobitchysometimes, no?

Jack: Uh, yeah. Sure, why not?

Victor: I love you very much, I do [Victor puts his hands on Jack's hips, Jack becomes increasingly uncomfortable] JagAbbott, areyouticklish?

Jack: Yeah, kinda--[Victor begins to tickle Jack] hehehe, Victor, hehe--Victor! Cut it out!

Victor: Cut! It! Out! LikeJoey! Ohhohohoho! Tickletickle! TicklemeElmo! TicklemeJack! TicklemeElmo! TicklemeJack! SALSA!

Wait, WAIT, so Kevin set up Wi-Fi at a coffeehouse? You just blew my motherfuckin' mind, Y&R. Who, who is the bastion of that fantastic, creative, never been done before ever at all idea? WHOWHOWHO? We gots to know!

Love Phyllis, cute chick, really fun but also dramatic, Michelle Stafford, wonderful actress, Emmy-winning, lovely human being but we need a break. We need a break so bad from Phyllis. She's all over the place, literally and figuratively and it's hurting her character like you wouldn't believe. Yes, use your best assets but not incessantly. This show is a treasure trove of gifted actresses, give them someting to work with. Jeanne Cooper has been sitting on her hands for far too long, Victoria Rowell hasn't had anything to do except kowtow to Neil and deal with her dumbass daughter for months now, Jess Walton is in a story centered around an internet-dating site. This shit can't fly! CAN'T FLY! I will cut someone! IsweartoGod.

JT, Colleen, come here. C'mere. C'merrrrrre. Closer. Good, perfect. Nobody gives a shit. Thankyoucomeagain.