Dec 31, 2006

Y&R - Friday - I Am Changing

What's that? What's that sound? Are--dear God--are Phyllis and Nick... [shudder] arguing? Is their twisted little Family of Fuck showing kinks in its armor? Next thing you know Phyllis will start ordering for herself at restaurants. This is insanity. I don't know what to do with myself. I need a moment. Uno momento, motherfucker.


Okay, I'm better. I want to start a prayer circle for the two lovebirds. Their love can weather the storm, I just know it. I just know it.

Alright, I can't keep it up, I'm boring myself. And if you don't care about Nick or Phyllis and don't want to be bored further you can skip the next 2 paragraphs.

Is their first fight really about Brad? I mean, really? Out of all the things that could have damaged their relationship it's this? Brad and his platitudinous tale of concentration camps and stolen Nazi art. Not that their relationship grew out of the death of Nick's child or that they left two former lovers destroyed in their wake?

It's as though no one wants to address any of the true issues in their relationship. Do you know what Nick and Phyllis are not? They're not "Young Love". They're "Rode Hard And Put Away Wet Love". They don't get to argue about the little things when the big, huge, monumental are still there. I don't understand the direction of this relationship at all, there are so many, many, MANY things that could make them a fascinating love to hate and hate to love couple but I just plain hate them.

Is Gloria wearing fur? Where's Dick Cheney when you need him?

Wow, how much does Jana suck? Jana and Amber, together gobbling up screentime for no good goddamn reason. This is just getting to the point where I'm thinking they have NO plan for these two. Thrusting Amber into Kay and Jill's (potentially good) plot? We needed Amber for that?

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Now, about this Sheila/Phyllis thing. I don't know what to make of it, one part of me is like "Ew. What? Why? Isn't Michelle Stafford due for a vacation? Wasn't Sheila's last return bad enough? You mean to say ShinyChestedBitch is now ShinyChestedButch? Ha, no.", the other part of me is "How wonderfully 80's!". But the largest part of me (I have many parts, you understand) is like "Dear God, let's get on with it.". Because the classic breakdown of this story goes as such:

  • The prisoner turns the tables on their kidnapper and escape.
  • They kidnap the original and lock them up (this time with their own kidnapper, so different).
  • They take over their life.
  • They have sex with their victim's signifigant other and generally act weird and No One Notices.
  • They're eventually found out after months of sturm and drag and it all ends in a climatic shoot-out. Or whatever, it's all very dramatic. There will be lots of slow motion shots basically.
  • And then Phyllis will be like "How could you have sex with her Nick?! How could you!" and then she'll cry and shit.
But you guys, please hear me out here, I'm going to actually let the story play out a bit before I judge it completely. I know. It's a risk. But one I'm willing to take. I hope you'll take it with me.

Now imagine me saying that insincere as all fuck and you'll get the general gist of it.

2006 is almost over and you know what that means? Schmaltzely crap. I hate it but it's expected, ya know. Honestly, I want to thank everyone who has read and supported this blog over the past 6 months. I use the word "awesome" like some coke up frat boy but for real, y'all are AWESOME. I'd like to thank the TWOPpers for encouraging me to do this, it's lots of fun and something I look forward to every week. Thanks to Jase for listening to me when I whine "I don't know what to write!" and making this blog seem alive when I've made it seem dead.

Thank you and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it's good to you.

Dec 30, 2006

Y&R - Update

This is taking longer than I thought. I've got a lot to say and things to post but my computer is acting all wonky. I'll have something by tomorrow/today.

Dec 27, 2006

Y&R - Wednesday - What Are You? New? Man.

"Comehere! I amtalkingtoyouchambermaid! Wash my FEET! Brushmyhair! SOFTLY! Singmeasong! Somethingpopopera-ish! Suckmypenis! SOFTLY! Ohohohohoahahahah!"

Victor slouching in his favorite chair, belly protruding, hand to chin and "Hmmm"-ing and "Ahhhh"-ing to every single thing that Brad, Clack and Rebecca had to say pretty much cemented his place as the Grand Poobah of Genoa City. Sure, they didn't want to tell all, they had to tell all or guess what? Victor wouldn't like them anymore. And that would be a tragedy.

I especially enjoyed his lightbulb moment, "So it was my investigation into your past that almost got you murdered? Interesting." Could he be a bigger dick?

This show is being written like it's brand new. Like these people just met 6 months ago and are getting to just now know each other. People sitting around claiming Jack is capable of murder? Yes, he certainly is, who isn't but the reason would have to be a good, great, superior one. If they expect anyone to buy that Jack would murder Carmen because she found he owns his own fucking company is monumentally stupid. That Michael considers him a viable suspect without question just makes my head throb. That Ashley, morally superior Ashley (call me when Jack steals a woman's eggs, k, Ash?) acting like Jack was literally sent forth from Hell to torment her Throb, throb, throb.

SPEAKING OF BRAND NEW, COULD COLLEEN BE ANY NEWER? I know 9-year-olds more mature than her.

Seriously, Rolie Polie Olie, you're making Lily seem like member of MENSA. One of the lesser known and therefore inferior but still.

Johanna's gone and Gloria's still here, draped in animal skin and feeding on the lifeblood of the living, could LML hate me anymore? It's like I ask for Caesar salad and she gives me a hamhock. I ask for fine wine and she serves me piss. What I want I don't get, what I don't want I get more of.

BTW I, like some sort of Colleen, completely forgot that when I switched to bloggerbeta my mailing list thing disappeared so if you want you can still sign up for it (I'll work on making it look prettier, it's off-center now).

And tell me what you think of the banner. That's not permenant, I'm gonna try to change it up. *crosses fingers*

EDIT: OH YEAH, SEE DREAMGIRLS! It's fan-fucking-tastic. Jennifer Hudson will kill you. And break your heart. And kill you again.

Dec 25, 2006

Y&R - Happy Monday!

Yes, the day is almost over but I'm nothing if not a procrastinator. Hope yours wasn't as boring as mine!

Nick's nuts roasting on an open fire
Aunt Jack striking with a pose (kick, one, two, jazzhands!)
Unholy carols being sung by the Cream cryer
And Olivia worried about H.M.O.s

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Everybody knows clucking will be utter by the Glo
Helping to make our fandom blight
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to creep (me the fuck out) tonight

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They know that Victor's on his way
He's loaded his shot gun
And Nikki's in his way
And every viewer's mouth is gonna sigh
When those epilectic bullets start to fly

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"Ishootyou, Ishootyoudead! Pop, pop, mydarlingNikki!"

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
To (emotionally stunted) adults from eighteen to a one hundred and two (Hi Kay and GhostDad!)
Although its been said
Many times, many ways
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to...You!

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Dec 20, 2006

Y&R - Factually Yours

Here are a few more Random Facts! I wanted to spread them over a few days but what the hell? Actually I saw that a few people had already watched, it's not like I can hide 'em, ya know? Enjoy!

Hey, if anyone knows how to create a blogger template or can lead me in the right direction let me know, it would be much appreciated.

Y&R - Tuesday - High On Life

So it's just after 6 AM, I haven't slept yet and I'm a little high on fat free hard candy! Woo! This is me living dangerously. I think next I'll use some non-dairy creamer.

Hey, Colleen, just so you know, God totally isn't judging. Or Moses. Or Jesus. Or...rabbis? Yeah, totally not judging you for sexing up your professor on school grounds. Probably sacred grounds. At one time. For the Native Americans. (Which Brad could be, you never know) Or for the pre-marital marathon sex. Or cheating on your boyfriend.


When Korbel was going on about Colleen being a statue or whatever, I was actually waiting for him to refer to her as Rubenesque so we could re-address that dangling eating disorder plotline.

This is entitled: I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Big Boned, It Runs In My Family, You Should See My Mom

I love that Lily's ACTUAL DIALOGUE is "Daniel, Daniel, are you okay?! No, don't say anything!" She's said a variation of that at least 20 times the past 2 days. Let's ignore Christel Khalil's abysmal and truly embarassing performance for a moment (I know it's hard but bear with me), these lines were actually scripted. Some sat down and typed those lines. They thought to themselves "Hmmm, I'll have Lily ask Daniel how he's doing. Then have her tell him to keep quiet. Oh, that's jolly good fun, let me do it 15 more times."

I honestly appreciate that most of the cast is being accounted for during this "event" or whatever you want to call it. I've seen other soap "events" and those made a choice to focus on a select group of characters and virtually ignore the rest of the cast, I suppose for the sake of streamlining things into a manageable tale. But they're managing to juggle things fairly well. Color me pleasantly surprised.

I don't understand how a man who's so loving and tender towards the ex who broke his heart can be painted as a villain. S'okay, Jackieboy, I got your back. Peter Bergman for teh win! Yes, "teh", I'm internet hip. So emo. He is too!

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See? Kindred Spirits.

Here is literally 53 seconds of your life you will never, ever get back and for that? I'm sorry. The end is a bit long but I just couldn't stop laughing at the hand movements.

Dec 18, 2006

Y&R - Monday - Iron Monkey

Today was much better than Friday, I hope this ice storm lasts all week.

Phyllis: Why don't they have jammies with feet for grown-ups?

Oh, but they do, they really DO ! Now I want footie pajamas. Thanks, Phyllis.

Today reminded me that Peter Bergman and Michelle Stafford are each other's best screen partners. They Like a glove? No, like an Iron Maiden.

Why you so sexy, torture?

That's Jack and Phyllis, sexy torture. Individually they're fucked up, together they're UNBELIEVEABLY fucked up. But in the best possible way. It's weird, for months I've hated the prospect of this baby being born but now that it's almost here and Jack is there I'm all "AWWWW, BABEE!". That'll only keep if the kid is Jack's. Not that Phyllis is good enough for Jack as written but wow, are my Jack and Phyllis fan juices flowing.

But Phyllis plans for her delivery? Hilarious. Scissors, mouthwash, spirit gum, Pam cooking spray and lipgloss.

*: Daniel, Daniel, are you okay?!
Daniel: Gack.
Daniel: Gu--
Daniel: I'm--
Daniel: I'm injured, not deaf, you nitwit.
Nick: There's a gas leak, you guys.
*: WHAT?!
Nick: There is a gas leak!

[arms flailing Lily runs into traffic]

Nick: How do you not kill her?
Daniel: Willpower.

Let's play a game: SPOT THE KHALIL!

The winner gets ear plugs.

Dec 17, 2006

Y&R - Friday - Seeing the Future

Could you foretell me hating your ass, Sylvia? Cause I coooooould.
If I wanted to watch Montel Williams I would watch Montel Williams but chaknowwhat? I hate that bastard and this lady, in my opinion, is nothing but a fraud preying on the hopes and wishes of some gullible people. Which isn't Kay but whatever, let's get this tale of whatthfuck moving along, please.

Sharon is a better person than I. I would have given Phyllis a jar of cocoa butter to remind her that she's fat and pregnant and soon to have a c-section. Now that would have been bitchy.

Dru: Devon's okay, his ride cancelled.
Neil: Oh good, now tell Lily to stay put.
Neil: What?
Dru: Do I have to, you know, talk to her?
Neil: Dru...
Dru: Can't I send carrier pigeon? I know, it might take a few weeks but them's the break, ya know?

Why's the ice gotta be black?

Hmmm, wouldn't it have made more sense to have Phyllis go with Nick to get her bag? You're a feisty one, Contrivance.

Joanna is fantastic. Yes, we have a mutual nemesis but outside of that Susan Seaforth-Hayes is just wonderful in the role.
Gloria: Babies need to be babies, Joanna.
Joanna: What else would he be, Gloria?
You WIN, Joanna! You win mah heart and mah soul. Before Gloria gets to feast on both, hopefully.
[Jack upon seeing Phyllis still at the office]
Jack: Pregnant again so soon?
With the way those two are fucking I wouldn't be surprised if the little urchin was gestating already.

You know what this "Jack delivers Phyllis' baby" setup means, right?

Darn Keepin' Hope Alive in '07!

Dec 14, 2006

Y&R - Thursday - Meow

Here are my thoughts on today's show.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Y&R - Wednesday - Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Old joke, not a new spin, I don't care, it's fucking true.

It's hard to tell but they all have boobs. Which is more than apropos.

So they get every suspect for Carmen's murder into the same room and then act like they're NOT in the same room? Those scenes could have played out anywhere! I wanted to see everyone pointing fingers and yelling "J'accuse!" as they circled each other while holding letter openers! Thrust, thrust, jab, jazzhands!

Colleen: Adrian got me a book.
*: A whaaaaaat?
Colleen: A book.
*: What does that do? Do you have to feed it and stuff? I had a goldfish once, it died. My mom said it needed "food" which is like, what? It's a fish! If I was a fish I totally wouldn't need food.
Colleen: I'm gonna go.
*: You can't, silly. You live in the phone, like duh.
Colleen: ...okay. I'm hanging up now.

Only this Lily could make Collen seem smart.

And I'm done. Today was sinfully boring. Bring on the snowstorm with the hot sex and car accidents and baby delivering! It has to be better than this. I'll leave you with this:

Dec 12, 2006

Y&R - Tuesday - Shut Up and Oooh, electricity!

So * was back in full force and a bit of my soul died. All I could see was this:

Good LORD, the howler monkey has returned and she's scarier than ever. What was she saying today? I don't know, my ears were full of blood and hatred.

Paul and DetectiveSmokesAlot, what? Who? Huh? No thanks.

Michael is frustrateratedruttedrootedcahooted. Alright, I'm getting sick of him. Take a valium, motherfucker.

Who does Victoria dress like an 11 year old from 1898? I mean, take a look...

*Actual Victorian Age dress*

*Victoria in Actual Victorian Age dress*

You know you see it, don't lie.

Dec 11, 2006

Y&R - Monday - Love to Love Ya

Neil and Dru, keepin' it real and deadsexy in '07

How nice to see them acting like mature adults who have lived life and know it exists or ups and downs. Not Neil being a petulant brat or Dru being a shrieking banshee. Will it last? Do I think it'll last? Probably not but a married couple reuniting and rolling around in bed being all sleepy and sexy as fuck? Hell Yes, Y&R.

Hell to the Yes.

Jill and Katherine ARE mother and daughter. Snores. Love you girls but do something anytime you want, 'kay? Though props to Jill for getting hit on by a younger man. That Vincent guy is kinda weird though, maybe he killed whatsherwhore.

Hey Nick, your wife is eleventy months pregnant, maybe you shouldn't be living it up with your sister on the tackiest set this side of the Genoa City Athletic Club Rooftop Bar and Grill.

If Colleen was married to the mafia she'd be dead by now. Can JT take a shit without her asking for the consistency and shape?

JT: About 3 inches, greenish-brown, bits of rice. You know, the usual.
Colleen: Thanks, JT! I'm putting it in my journal!

Dear Journal,

JT took a dump today! I am so happy for him, it shows a true commitment to our love that he felt free enough to have a bowel movement with me watching! But oh no, Journal, I just had a thought, he didn't tell me the density! I'm sick of all these lies, Journal, how can I know our relationship is healthy if I don't know these aspects of his life! All of his lies are RUINING US! OMG, Journal, if I don't get his urine sample tonight I am TOTALLY gonna jump off the roof.

JT and Colleen and AMBER and Professor Korbore, whatever the fuck his name is, who cares? Here's the thing, Colleen is practically new herself, ProfessorChildMolester is new as is Amber (B&B nonwithstanding) so we've basically got JT as the only established character here. And that's sad. A quadrangle with this band of simpletons has to be a form of animal abuse, right?

Dec 8, 2006

Y&R - I'm Special

"Mmmm, yes, kitty, kitty, hungry for some meow mix, Ghostdad? Maybe we can play in the pussywillows? Take a load off in my kitty litter? Eh, eeeeeh? Too far?"