AMC - TIME CRISIS starring Ryan Lavery

jase: Wow, I learned from AMC all you need to tell a story is fish eye lenses and forced perspective, not dialogue.
Darn: I hate those characters. I hate the stories they tell with them.
Darn: Hate hate hate
jase: Look, let's clutch each other while looking at Ryan.
jase: Look, Ryan, hold me though you no longer know me while we both gaze lovingly at either each other or Kendall, but above all, SAY NOTHING.
Darn: The new hospital set is more interesting than this story.
jase: It's quite a set.
jase: Debbi Morgan is still better than everyone.
jase: It is almost painful to watch all these jerkwads standing around like, what's going on Dr. Much Better Actor?
Darn: Seriously. I just don't get it. They are NOT good enough to rise above this garbage material.
jase: Here, come meet Annie who has nothing to do with this case. Debbi Morgan ain't got no time for you Annie!
jase: They're not good enough to play with Angie. She comes off compelling at least. They just all look lame. It's like a sore thumb, it really is.
Darn: Yes, she sticks out like a sore thumb because she's ya know, acting. I feel like I'm watching a high school play with the rest of them. I cannot believe this show has been handed over to 6 people.
jase: And like they'd let Ryan wander the hospital thinking it's 2004.
jase: Asking when the new episode of Newlyweds is coming on. Voting for George McGovern.
Darn: "DOCTOR, WHAT IS THIS IPHONE, I DON'T UNNDERSTANNNNN?! So much has changed!"
jase: "You mean television comes in color? WITCHCRAFT!"
jase: "I have no time for you, Dark Roots Girl! I must find Afrosheen Kendall so we can return to the butter churn and continue harvesting the winter crops!"
Darn: lol, Afrosheen
Darn: And Cam Mathison is a bad actor.
Darn: Looking like a zombie is not acting.
jase: Srsly they would not just let him wander off alone to harass people like it's 2004.
jase: "OMG Kendall I still love you!" That would not happen. He would not be allowed to wander into Greenlee's room and give an impassioned speech while thinking it's 2004. Yes, let the brain damaged man speak. No.
Darn: "NURSE THIS FUTURE TECHNOLOGY YOU'RE USING DOES NOT EXIST YET, ARGH!"
Darn: At that point he rips out someone's heart monitor.
jase: "This metal contraption keeping her breathing is no substitute for a good chemist's salve!"
Darn: "So Dr. Hubbard, when do we start the bloodletting?"
jase: "My layman's opinion is that this disease will need no fewer than eight leeches, what say you, Doctor Martin? Nurse Santos! Prepare the heated cups!"
Darn: "Do we treat moors in this hospital?"
jase: See, you had to go there.
Darn: Had to!
jase: "You know, Joe, socialized medicine is really the Reds creeping into the fabric of our society."
Darn: "I cannot believe you guys let me marry a dude."

OLTL - Race Wars

Or The Marcie VS. Todd Debate. Basically Jase and I disagree on the whole situation. Our friendship hangs in the balance!

Oh yes before we begin I just want it known that OLTL is running on all cylinders at the moment. Truly I can say without hyperbole that it's the best soap on the air.

Jase: Rex and Adriana admitting their fault is so good.

Darn: Yeah, that'll satisfy the complainers.

Jase: It satisfied me.

Darn: Yes, the complainers. :P

Jase: I don't complain!

Darn: About Rex and Adriana you do!

Jase: Rightfully!

Jase: Until now, now they've cleared it up and I am happy.

Darn: I think everyone who kept Todd from that child except for Margaret was completely in the right.

Jase: That's because you smoke weed.

Jase: I'm sorry but after the first stop on Marcie and Tommy's Magical Mystery Tour that argument dried the fuck up.

Jase: And especially after she started waving the gun around.

Darn: That doesn't negate Todd's deep history of being, um, EVIL.

Jase: That doesn't change the fact that they weren't God or the law.

Jase: When you take the matriarch hostage with a gun you are no better than Todd.

Darn: Marcie went about keeping him in the wrong way, for sure but Todd went about taking him the wrong way and goes about life in general the wrong way.

Darn: Oh please.

Jase: I felt for her during this, and yes Todd is a bad man, but she became what she hated.

Jase: Well, that's why the story works, because we both feel two ways about it.

Jase: The show doesn't MAKE you feel one way or the other.

Darn: I suppose. Even though you're wrong.

Jase: Even though you smoke rocks.

Jase: With the rest of the white neo Nazis.

Jase: I liked the blanket thing.

Darn: I'm surprised Todd didn't rip it apart in front of Tommy while telling him Marcie was dead.

Jase: Oh, you.

Jase: Even yoooouuu admitted T&B melted your heart a few months ago.

Darn: Because for once he acted like a DECENT person.

Jase: What was he supposed to do, give the baby up?

Jase: Todd would never do that.

Darn: That's the problem with characters like Todd, they act decent for an episode and you have to praise them. People like Marcie fuck up for a few months and suddenly they're "just like Todd". It's just not true.

Darn: No, I wouldn't expect him to, that doesn't mean I can't dislike him for the way he's acted.

Jase: I don't just praise Todd when he's decent, I praise him when he's indecent because I like the character. That's in character, he does good things and horrible things. And yes, I do think Marcie in a way began to resemble Todd with her thoughtless and self obsessed actions.

Jase: She's not a rapist or murderer, but she was doing Todd-like things.

Darn: She kidnapped a baby, what other sort of Todd-like things did she do?

Jase: I don't think you can't dislike him but you have to admit he has another side to the character. He's had a bunch of scenes in the last couple months talking about how maybe Marcie is right, maybe he should let it go, he's a monster, blah blah blah.

Jase: She held Viki at gunpoint.

Darn: And she didn't kidnap Tommy to "punish" anyone the way Todd did when he took Blair's baby, she took him out of a desire to protect him.

Jase: In the end it started to become about punishing Todd and Michael.

Jase: She kept calling Michael up one last time to tell him he would never see them again and demanding money, come on, WTF?

Darn: Todd and his "I'm so awful, wah, wah, wah" bullshit has been going on for years.

Darn: I'm sorry but comparing Marcie to Todd is trying too hard to make her just as bad as him.

Jase: ANYONE who told her this was not good for the baby she had to yell at.

Jase: I don't think she's as bad as him. I do think she was going down that road.

Jase: Excuse me, I have to go find a bottle I can break so we can continue this discussion with me brandishing one end of it.

Jase: This is like Hannity & Colmes.

Darn: She wasn't anywhere near him, even at the end. And holding Viki hostage was horrible but didn't Todd hold half the town hostage with a fake bomb? And as everyone said Marcie wasn't going to hurt Viki, even Viki knew that.

Jase: Michael didn't, John didn't. Marcie didn't.

Darn: Oh come now. Tell me when desperation and intention became the same thing.

Jase: Why did any of them believe she could do it?

Darn: Because she was desperate, that's the only reason. Unlike Todd who when he hurts people does it with intent.

Jase: Because yeah, if not for Michael and Viki I think that could've ended with Marcie eating a gun.

Darn: I doubt they were thinking "If Viki talks smack to her she's gonna get a bullet to the knee."

Jase: Well, let's get meta, does Britney Spears hurt people with intent? I doubt it but she still hurts them.

Jase: And it's still not acceptable.

Darn: Of course not but you keep saying she was approaching Todd levels of awful.

Jase: I think you're supposed to draw parallels, yes. Marcie has spent all her time saying she could never do as Todd did, yet there she is pointing a gun at Viki and asking for a chopper.

Darn: Marcie's few months of being on the run and ONE NIGHT of a complete break from reality don't compare to years of destructive behavior, SORRY.

Jase: No it doesn't, but it doesn't excuse her, either.

Jase: I feel very sorry for her and I thought she was heartbreaking this last week, but still, I'm not sorry she's paying.

Darn: I'm not asking for her to be excused but she certainly has reasons for what she did. And the only reason I want her to pay is because it makes for a good story, not necessarily because she deserves it.

Jase: Okay then.

Jase: I am going to go throw a wastebasket through the window of the pizza parlor of your soul.

Enclosed from Jase: A special glimpse at somebody from OLTL's past courtesy of Shakespeare In The Park - Ellen Holly (a.k.a. Carla Hall) as Regan in King Lear with James Earl Jones.

AMC - Black People on Daytime? NO WAY!

Awwwwwww...

That picture is just too cute for words.

If you're a regular ABC Daytime viewer you might be unaware that Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams, the legendary Angie and Jesse Hubbard, daytime's first (and frankly, only) black supercouple is returning to All My Children this week. I'm sure you're well aware that THE REAL GREENLEE RETURNS IN THREEEEEEEEEEE DAYS! because as we all know Greenlee Smythe and Rebecca Budig touched a vital nerve in pop culture and will remain discussed and beloved 20 years from now for her thrilling, historic storyline and non-Emmy winning role. Surely.

I don't think I've ever told this story here but I'm actually named after Darnell Williams. Yes, my name is Darnell hence the Darn. I thought it was clever, I was 12, sue me. So yeah, Angie and Jesse were HOOGE when I was born and my mom was a fan. I guess that's why I've always felt this connection to them even though I was 5 when he died on the show and have only seen clips of them.

It angers me beyond belief how little promotion they've received compared to Rebecca Budig's return. The fact is that Greenlee has been back for half a year now and frankly she wasn't missed. Angie and Jesse have been gone for twenty years and returning portrayed by the original Emmy winning actors. They were once a cornerstone of the show and they've barely been mentioned over the blare of the return of the Greenlee effin' Smythe. It's a travesty. But what can I expect of ABCD run by the devil?

SIGH.

But their history and talent has me unbelievably excited. About ALL MY CHILDREN? Can you belieeeeeeeeeeeve it?

I can't.

Some beautiful person on YouTube posted one of the episodes Soapnet showed over the weekend featuring Angie and Jesse, here are the vids:

OLTL - DEAR BRITTANY UNDERWOOD

Dear Brittany Underwood,

During last year's unbelievably godawful "Prom Night" storyline on OLTL (sorry, but it was), we (Darn and Jase) gave you and Jason Tam a lot of crap for your goofy-ass musical performance. Your story seemed really ridiculous to us and a waste of space. It was (to us), but you weren't. You, or someone posing as you, posted a reply on our blog entry saying you were sorry we didn't like it and that you had worked very hard, etc etc. And we're sure you did! It's not your fault OLTL had no taste back then. The point is, we feel bad. See, since that time, OLTL has really improved thanks to Ron Carlivati, your new headwriter (who is now striking, and if I see him on the street, I will buy him a Danish and give him subway fare). Ron Carlivati has made my show great again. He's also given you, yes you, a very, very good storyline, and Langston is now a big favorite of ours. You have risen to the challenge. Your scenes with Robin Strasser a while ago were excellent, and you are really being made a great part of the Cramers, sort of a fish out of water. We love that Starr is getting back to being a bitchy sort of Starr, and we love that it looks like you two are going to bust up big time over Cole. I mean, we still think Cole's pretty useless, but the capability for ~*DRAMA*~ is going to be awesome.

Also, I've (Jase) come to realize that Jason Tam is in fact unbearably hot, and a good actor. I see his ads for A Chorus Line on TV all the time, and if faced with him in public I would embarrass myself given that he is at least five or six years younger than me but damn. Damn, damn, damn. Anyway, we just wanted to say we are sorry we gave you a hard time, even though your story really was bad back then, because you're great now. You were always good, it was just the writing. And the terrible singing and dancing. I'm sure you can actually dance and sing in real life. At least I hope so. Just don't do that snakey neck thing you did. I doubt you will see this entry, but we just wanted to put it out in the world donchaknow. Also, if Jason Tam ever wants to date a misanthropic blogger who is either (a) angry and black or (b) neurotic, spoiled and Jewish, he knows where to email us. In conclusion:


with Jarn seal of approval:


We approve. You are the freak. Signed, Jase & Darn (Jarn)