Y&R - OMG! LOL!

(click to enlarge)

Jack's head, I'd like you to meet your new body. Say hello!

You gotta be KIDDING me with this shit.

I might watch this if only for the lolz.

COMING SOON TO THE WRECK CENTER

uh ohs.

EASTENDERS

coming soon

top image @ Big Pictures.

GH: Night Shift - 1x06x07 - Kill The Pregnant Lady

Voice of God, pal! Do what I say, boomer. Mmm, I need fiber. And virgin blood.

...Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that when Kale Browne (a.k.a. Jill Farren Phelps' former mantoy a.k.a. the insufferable Sam Rappaport on OLTL) does his usual Hospital Voice Of God schtick on GH and Night Shift so he can pay the rent each month, he is constantly calling out for different female doctors, many of whom are named "Grosbard?" In the last episode I heard him call for both "Dr. Megan Grosbard" and "Dr. Katie Grosbard," no lie. Personally? I think he's just lonely.

ALL UP IN UR SHOWZ W/O DISERNIBL PORPOISE
WASTIN UR TIMEZZ

So what did we learn from Night Shift's big two-part epic event? Well, I know what I learned: Not a goddamn fucking thing that I didn't know over ten years ago when they had that Quentin Tarantino episode of ER with the dead pregnant lady that Night Shift just totally ripped off. What the fuck was the point of this? We all know Robin and Patrick are not going to have a baby much less decide to have a baby on the SoapNet spinoff show - if that happens, it will come on the mothership. And we have seen "pregnant woman in confined space with hapless civillian" eight thousand times. I even saw it on Saved by the Bell with Zach and Mr. Belding's wife. And Tori. Remember Tori, the biker replacement for Kelly and Jesse because Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkeley were holding out for more money? Remember - well, nevermind.


If there is anything that could make Night Shift even more of a weekly will-sapping drudgery than it already is at this point, it is the resurgence of the constant Bob Guza theme: Crazy Emotional Women Who Don't Know Better. The latest up to bat is of course Robin, who will apparently henceforth be known as Dr. HIV McBabyEater judging by the writing. Robin sobs! Robin beats her breast! Robin blames everyone for "Staaaceeeeyyyy's" death! Clinical, professional, "best of the best" Patrick grabs her, shakes her, holds her tightly, makes her see! Even cold, suspected murderess Leyla has it more together than baby-mad Robin! Enough. The sad thing is I keep hearing Guza worships Kimberly McCullough, so I'm sure he and his writers think material like this for Robin, or other women on GH, is just honoring her ability and giving her more material for great drama. Unfortunately, when he tells the same types of stories with the same "crazy wimmins" themes over and over again, it gets fucking old and tiresome and - shock! - misogynistic.

Steve vs. Vagina: ETERNAL STRUGGLE

It wouldn't be GH without Jason able to do anygoddamnthing with surgical precision. "The C-section was perfect, nearly textbook," Dr. Kelly tells Robin. Well of course it fucking was. What a surprise. I personally didn't need to hear Jason talking about shoving the towel up Stacey's crimson lagoon, but you know what, whatever. Fine, Jason can do anything. Whatevs.

There really isn't much more to say, honestly. I feel bad because we keep bumping the OLTL entry and otherwise I have been incredibly busy with work and family stuff, but really these past two NS episodes have been like the visual and aural equivalent of a bland, annoying drone in front of my face. I think anyone else who watched will agree. Like I said up top, we've all been here before - labor in confined space with helpless bystanders, tragic mother passes on, etc etc. And of course, the old stand-by in desperate subpar medical dramas that need to try to sell the audience on their show being serious-minded television: Kill The Pregnant Lady. When in doubt, ice her, guys. It "works" every time. And by "works" I mean, bores us to death. At least, I was. Bored. To death. And I expect to be again tomorrow with the return of Lainey, her demented father, and Corporal Knifelove. The problem for them is, by tomorrow they'll be out of Dead Pregnant Ladies.

Fuck it, srsly. Ho to the hum.

HOT SEXY UPDATE MMM

Hooray for boredom and serendipity! Last week's Night Shift was almost totally unmentionable and unremarkable - fortunately, it is part of a doubly unremarkable two-parter! Therefore, I shall cover both as one yet again in the next several days! Also coming soon: An OLTL post. We swear! Good night.

ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke

Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.