COMING SOON TO THE WRECK CENTER

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EASTENDERS

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top image @ Big Pictures.

GH: Night Shift - 1x06x07 - Kill The Pregnant Lady

Voice of God, pal! Do what I say, boomer. Mmm, I need fiber. And virgin blood.

...Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that when Kale Browne (a.k.a. Jill Farren Phelps' former mantoy a.k.a. the insufferable Sam Rappaport on OLTL) does his usual Hospital Voice Of God schtick on GH and Night Shift so he can pay the rent each month, he is constantly calling out for different female doctors, many of whom are named "Grosbard?" In the last episode I heard him call for both "Dr. Megan Grosbard" and "Dr. Katie Grosbard," no lie. Personally? I think he's just lonely.

ALL UP IN UR SHOWZ W/O DISERNIBL PORPOISE
WASTIN UR TIMEZZ

So what did we learn from Night Shift's big two-part epic event? Well, I know what I learned: Not a goddamn fucking thing that I didn't know over ten years ago when they had that Quentin Tarantino episode of ER with the dead pregnant lady that Night Shift just totally ripped off. What the fuck was the point of this? We all know Robin and Patrick are not going to have a baby much less decide to have a baby on the SoapNet spinoff show - if that happens, it will come on the mothership. And we have seen "pregnant woman in confined space with hapless civillian" eight thousand times. I even saw it on Saved by the Bell with Zach and Mr. Belding's wife. And Tori. Remember Tori, the biker replacement for Kelly and Jesse because Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkeley were holding out for more money? Remember - well, nevermind.


If there is anything that could make Night Shift even more of a weekly will-sapping drudgery than it already is at this point, it is the resurgence of the constant Bob Guza theme: Crazy Emotional Women Who Don't Know Better. The latest up to bat is of course Robin, who will apparently henceforth be known as Dr. HIV McBabyEater judging by the writing. Robin sobs! Robin beats her breast! Robin blames everyone for "Staaaceeeeyyyy's" death! Clinical, professional, "best of the best" Patrick grabs her, shakes her, holds her tightly, makes her see! Even cold, suspected murderess Leyla has it more together than baby-mad Robin! Enough. The sad thing is I keep hearing Guza worships Kimberly McCullough, so I'm sure he and his writers think material like this for Robin, or other women on GH, is just honoring her ability and giving her more material for great drama. Unfortunately, when he tells the same types of stories with the same "crazy wimmins" themes over and over again, it gets fucking old and tiresome and - shock! - misogynistic.

Steve vs. Vagina: ETERNAL STRUGGLE

It wouldn't be GH without Jason able to do anygoddamnthing with surgical precision. "The C-section was perfect, nearly textbook," Dr. Kelly tells Robin. Well of course it fucking was. What a surprise. I personally didn't need to hear Jason talking about shoving the towel up Stacey's crimson lagoon, but you know what, whatever. Fine, Jason can do anything. Whatevs.

There really isn't much more to say, honestly. I feel bad because we keep bumping the OLTL entry and otherwise I have been incredibly busy with work and family stuff, but really these past two NS episodes have been like the visual and aural equivalent of a bland, annoying drone in front of my face. I think anyone else who watched will agree. Like I said up top, we've all been here before - labor in confined space with helpless bystanders, tragic mother passes on, etc etc. And of course, the old stand-by in desperate subpar medical dramas that need to try to sell the audience on their show being serious-minded television: Kill The Pregnant Lady. When in doubt, ice her, guys. It "works" every time. And by "works" I mean, bores us to death. At least, I was. Bored. To death. And I expect to be again tomorrow with the return of Lainey, her demented father, and Corporal Knifelove. The problem for them is, by tomorrow they'll be out of Dead Pregnant Ladies.

Fuck it, srsly. Ho to the hum.

HOT SEXY UPDATE MMM

Hooray for boredom and serendipity! Last week's Night Shift was almost totally unmentionable and unremarkable - fortunately, it is part of a doubly unremarkable two-parter! Therefore, I shall cover both as one yet again in the next several days! Also coming soon: An OLTL post. We swear! Good night.

ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke

Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.

GH: Night Shift - 1x04x05 - The Mime Who Raped Kelly

jase: I must not title my Night Shift entry "Flower Drum Vagina."
Darn: It's better than "Sucky Sucky Five Doctor"
jase: OH THAT'S GOOD.

It's The Mime Who Raped Sylvia on Little House on the Prairie! He's back for seconds and he wants Kelly! No, it's the Carver! The Showtime After Dark rape mime is clearly the cause of Kelly's rampant sex madness! Next I want someone to try to escape a hospital fire by using Stacy the HIV lady's baby as a battering ram on the window.

So this is a double entry for two, two, two mediocre episodes in one! And I am also sick and nauseous as I work these bitches, though I'm afraid I can't attribute that to NS. Let's see if I make it through without slitting my wrists. I join others for whom the honeymoon with General Hospital: Night Shift is now long...long over. It just plods along, without much happening of interest or lasting import - much like the Senate Judiciary Committee. Will they - oh my God - will they - will they bust someone? Will they call the Capitol police? Will they go for inherent contempt?! Oh, no...just another "strongly worded letter." Every now and again you get the sense that something might...might actually happen on NS that interests you, and the mix of characters and ideas appeals to you, and the setting should work, but they just...limp along and don't deliver. There's good ideas and sentiments that don't add up to anything because the foundation, the inspiration and production is almost wholly crap. The patients, I don't give a shit. Jason, no. Dr. Julian, no. Kelly's feverish rabid love tunnel, maybe. But that's about it. It's just a jumble of stuff thrown onscreen and no matter how cute I find Bradford Anderson, Spinelli is just more grating every week.


Take Stan's protest rally, for example. Very timely for NS to be pushing this story, in the wake of the recent release of Sicko. Health care issues, specifically universal health care, are on everybody's lips, and given the recurring characters of Sneed and Dr. Russell on GH it makes sense for them to go there. So of course we get "Keep The Change," in which the running undercurrent and theme is the issue of modern American health care. We see Stan picketing with the doctors and nurses, we see Patrick and Robin at odds with bottom-liners like Sneed and Russell over treatment, we see the moral lines blur for disciplinarian Epiphany. It's a noble idea to give this kind of social issue stuff major treatment within the confines of an hour daytime (quasi-daytime, anyway) drama. The problem is I can't think of people less qualified to write about this shit than Bob "Mobsters pwn 9/11 Firemen" Guza and Liz "Die Alexis Die Die Die A Gorilla Raped You & That's How You Got Kristina" Korte. It's just morally and intellectually dishonest for these motherfuckers to put on a big show of doing a running subplot about this shit when they don't give the hospital, the hospital-bound characters or any semblance of conventional human morality (which they theoretically are having Stan and Patrick espouse in this episode) any kind of fair airplay on mothership GH. Like, Stan fumes at his mother: "Or is happy another thing you didn't raise me to be?" And that's fair because yes, Epiphany is one serious cast-iron, joyless, hypocritical bitch. The problem is, Stan, you fucking work for the mob. Stan is happily part of a system that perpetuates crime and turmoil for the working class and for people just trying to make an honest dollar, and this is a fucking fact no matter what kind of bullshit Guza and Korte still peddle about Jason and Sonny and the organization on a daily basis (and I still remember Tammy and the other dock whores cooing about Sonny's manly protection keeping the streets clean). Stan's hands are as dirty and probably dirtier than the soulless corporate thinking that he is claiming to fight against, and he has no right to be the voice of the revolution on the show, nor does Guza have every right to put him there. Patrick and Robin, okay. Stan, fucking no. It reminds me of the classic Theo Huxtable Speech scene on The Cosby Show; Theo comes out with the big speech about why he can be a trucker or whatever and not go to college and Cliff should love him anyway, and the audience applauds because there is certainly some truth in that, until you reach the larger intellectual fallacy of his position and his approach to things, at which point, Cliff responds with, "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" And that's where I'm at with Stan: He is right, but he is also so fucking wrong. And fucking hacks who glorify the mob five days a week and compare them to first-responders have no right to tell me anything about American health care, no matter how much I may agree with the concepts they are trying to put up there onscreen. You want to talk about ZOMG SOSHL ISHOOZ, Bob? Try making someone pay for the deaths of Alan and Lorenzo Alcazar. I used to own a copy of Prom Night, you fucked-up mash-up of Truman Capote and Blade. I know your work.

"...We were in this bar in Saigon and this kid comes up, this kid carrying a shoe-shine box. And he says 'Shine, please, shine!' I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said 'Yeah.' And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! Nobody would help! He's saying, sayin' 'I wanna go home! I wanna go home!' He keeps calling my name! 'I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!' I said 'Why? I can't find your fuckin' legs! I can't find your legs!'"

Why is this motherfucker back?! He threatened her! He mugged her in the parking lot! Now he threatens her with a goddamn buck knife! What is it going to take for this psycho to get his ass kicked? What is it going to take for this shit to stop? And of course his authoritarian dogmatic homoerotic bullshit from the Corps is what breaks through to Lainey's demented dad, because Sergeant Chris Benoit here is the goddamn fucking Alzheimer's Whisperer. And because Lainey, poor uptight Lainey, is just too "by the book" and prim and proper to "loosen up" and really communicate with Penishead. Why does almost every single woman on a Bob Guza show have to be like this?! Any strong woman is always "uptight." "Bitchy." "Out of touch with her emotions." "Unable to just let go." And so the forceful men can always put the little women playing men's games in their proper place - on their backs, getting shafted - and it's just the same story over. and over. AND OVER. Even when the man is obviously a psycho, like fucking Cody. Come on. We can't seriously be asked to buy this guy as a big softy deep down. We just can't. Stop it. Stop it. BTW, it bears mentioning for anyone lost that the monologue below the pic is from First Blood.


"My doctors tell me I may never bowl competitively again." Ha! Sneed is largely a two-dimensional caricature but that was a great line and the actress is great. The question now is, who is the Medcam spy: Her, Russell, or Leyla? Leyla has already been shown to be too obvious, but maybe that's the whole point. I am frankly voting Sneed herself at this point, the one who protests the most about Medcam. Gotta show another "uptight professional woman" her place! I do find this whole HMO feud/mystery a compelling story concept. The problem, again, is the characters are either shitty or shittily-written.

Bob Guza: Wry Mark Twain-esque humorist.

There's all sorts of other random bullshit in these two episodes, and that includes this fucking clown. Which, BTW, NOT NECESSARY. I see Night Shift has learned the invaluable lesson of almost every modern medical soap on television today, and that is: Always make sure every single patient in the hospital has an incredibly embarrassing sexual, behavioral or personal hygiene problem that will lead to constant broad sophomoric comedy. The nebbish "sleepwalking" horndog. The lady demanding a tit check. The clown with the brain tumor that makes him go HAHAHAHA! Etc. Just lay the "comedy" on thick with a trowel, that's fine. No need for nuance - go broad and "naughty" on everything. The "serious" stories are pretty fucking lacking too. Take the non-story of the coma teen whose father, played by a man who is clearly not Nicholas Coster despite a fine attempt, has a strained relationship with his rebellious son. As we already knew from previous weeks, this teen has brain damage and may awaken with his personality irreversibly altered. ZOMG IT MIRRORS JASON'S LIFE! And of course, with no preamble, the teen awakens just fine and bada-bing, totally different. And the dad is happy. And that's it. That's all. You know, it's been a long time but I am pretty sure the original Jason Morgan story had a lot fucking more to it than that. But never spend time on what you can just stick a neon sign on and then speed down the assembly line, that's Guza's motto and that's what they did with that non-story of Coma Teen, who I am pretty sure was recast from the last time we saw him with a totally different-looking guy. Then there's Leyla and her Iranian heritage - again, speed it down the line, just another beat so NS can say it ticked a storytelling box; it's just there so Leyla can make doe eyes at Patrick and then provide two seconds of angst for Patrick. No need to actually develop Leyla's character or any other when these helpful bullet points (Iranian; ostracized; accent) can compose a character for you!

Also, Toussaint and the Saints. Ha ha. Here I was seriously expecting Toussaint to have turned out to have been some old-school black businessman and fallen power magnate. But no - just a goddamn singer. And clearly there is some old relationship with Epiphany, because no two middle-aged black characters on any show can exist separately from each other. I half-expect them to throw Dr. Russell into the mix. Just a waste of people's talent, and of what could've been much more compelling possibilities for Lando Calrissian. For fuck's sake, people: He was administrator of this facility!


Poor Lindze Letherman. Allegedly having to go to the producers crying and asking what she did wrong to not have story. She is such a good little actress and they threw her under the bus just like they do every promising young actor they chew up and burn through and then get distracted from by the latest hot thing, who they will then promptly chew up and toss as well. She deserves better. I do kind of like her with Spinelli, even if he is a fucking idiot who should just get down on his knees and service Jason already, and...uh...let's move on from this topic. Lindze Letherman, if I had any money, I mean any, at all, in this universe, I would buy you a cupcake. I would. Because you deserve several. Even if not being the girl who gets it doggy-style while lying in a tub full of infected needles on top of the corpse of a diseased homeless person makes you "boring." Maybe you could send me money, and then I could buy you several cupcakes, of differing flavors.

Rough shit people. Sometimes I hate my (non-paying) job. Can you wait for another gripping episode of Night Shift in which wacky humiliating diseases make for wild hilarity and uppity professional women are made to "lighten up" through a pervasive, unrelenting atmosphere of juvenile sexuality? I know I fucking can't!

Lamest goddamn dancing I ever seen.

WILL SUCK DICK FOR COMMENTS

We all knew the offer was coming, let's face it. I try to "alert" people on the, how you say, "mailing list," but I think I always do it wrong. I'm no good with that shit. All thumbs. Like the neanderthal! Did he not have thumbs?

So anyway, I am wrung out and tired from some work this past week, and I did not have time to blog the last Night Shift yet, and I am too exhausted to do it right now. SOOOO'S, there will be a double entry of both last week's and tomorrow's episodes coming shortly. Meanwhile, Darn and I hope to start blogging OLTL again because of the upcoming anniversary week featuring OMFG ITS NATHAN FILLION. That is all. Resume ya bidness.

GH: Night Shift - 1x03 - Jake Dooks Platinum Bitches

HORK!! HORK!! Get on the good foot! UNNH!!

Finally, the first appearance of phantom cast member, Andy the Mildly Hot Anesthesiologist. Not as hot as his picture, but that's okay. Andy plays Sandman to the night shift staff by giving them happy zzz gas in between surgeries. Whatever. Does everyone have to be at least vaguely incompetent? This shit is verging on, like, Torchwood.

This week on Night Shift, we also got a delightful guest appearance from Jake Spencer (Morgan), otherwise known as Christchild 3000. And he really is an adorable baby. But - wait. Wait.

WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE.


They slipped that baby Rogaine! This baby just grew a whole head of fucking hair between scenes! Don't give me some bullshit, "oh, they combed over his hair," no no, I went back and looked at his first scene, that baby DID NOT have that much hair. I mean, he's absolutely darling but it's just ridiculous. I love his expression in the with-hair picture. "Yeah, I dumped, what? What you gon' do? This is life happening right here. It's real! I'm raw, I'm the future, Poppa, I make hits! I make hits!"

Epiphany did get off one great line about the GSW surgery: "Multiple gunshot wounds...(looks at Jason)...well, at least we know who isn't involved." Haha, score. And can the plot with Patrick and Toussaint's mystery whistling please stop? We all know it's Toussaint. It's clearly him. It's old. I don't care.

Penishead: Confessions of a Video Vixen

On the brighter side, NS appeared to understand how to portray Cody, or as I call him, "Corporal Apeshit Surprise" this week, realizing he is a psychotic lunatic. No more Meet Cute bullshit. Of course, as soon as I heard Lainey mention "a full exam" I knew they had to sneak in one more obnoxious double entendre. Now watch me be proven wrong and the whole knife business in the preview for this week turn out to be just part of Lainey's kinky blood play fetish. Sorry.


Look at his little face. So gangsta. "Whatchu want, bitch? Whatchu want? I'm money, bitch, I'm money! I dook gold, bitch, I dook platinum! My diaper jingle-jangles when I walk! This show is mine in ten years, mines, I am alpha and omega! What, chuwanna have a baby? Pssh! I'ma A.J. his ass. I'm a businessman! In my hydroplane I'm goooone! Don't touch Teddy."

Yet another of Kelly's hidden talents.

I thought the portrayal of Kelly Lee had reached new lows after hearing she managed to fuck Jerry Jacks on mothership GH and then seeing this latest episode, in which even Dr. Dirty Sanchez is scared of her junk, until I saw the final scene with her in the shower. Now I am wondering if there is actually a method to this big-toothed madness, beyond Kelly just being "chee chee chee chee chee! Yay SEX0Rszz!11!!1" all the time. If Dr. Kelly is in fact some kind of sex addict, that is actually fairly compelling and a nice explanation for her insane promiscuity. Therefore, I trust Guza/Korte/etc. to completely maul what should be a very sensitive storyline geared towards women. The other problem with it is that I am almost convinced that the actress playing Kelly is in fact an anthromorphized velociraptor, and that her gigantic Botox dinosaur grin could not handle the acting required.



And so dies Mrs. Storch and her fucking broccoli jokes. About time, I'm afraid. I am almost positive the saboteur is in fact a "Medcam" saboteur and that that saboteur is evil-ass Leyla. Any takers? Yeah, thought so. A vaguely compelling story, all things considered. It beats the weekly drudgery of that lame thing with the kid with cerebral edema (a.k.a. Jason Disease). I would like to think we won't see that boy again but I know how long it took to get rid of Storch, much less Cody, who ain't gone yet. Lame story. Anyway, bring on a more interesting episode. Nothing has matched the premiere, and the socially conscious stuff with Toussaint and Stan really needs work still.


"Chu know where I got all this hair from, player? I ripped it out of Lindze Letherman's scalp! She don't need it, does Georgie got a story? Wake me up when September ends, Georgie! Holla! You fuckers are all Demo Track Future, but I am Extended Thunderpuss Dance Mix Future! You got a problem, Mahaghony? You got a problem, cause I heard the news today, old boy: I am the Young Americans! All of them, they're mes! Mes!! Make way for the king! No, don't touch me, bitch, I don't want your milk. I only drink unicorn milk from diamond-encrusted cups. My other baby carriage is made from gun metal."