GH: Night Shift - 1x03 - Jake Dooks Platinum Bitches

HORK!! HORK!! Get on the good foot! UNNH!!

Finally, the first appearance of phantom cast member, Andy the Mildly Hot Anesthesiologist. Not as hot as his picture, but that's okay. Andy plays Sandman to the night shift staff by giving them happy zzz gas in between surgeries. Whatever. Does everyone have to be at least vaguely incompetent? This shit is verging on, like, Torchwood.

This week on Night Shift, we also got a delightful guest appearance from Jake Spencer (Morgan), otherwise known as Christchild 3000. And he really is an adorable baby. But - wait. Wait.

WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE.


They slipped that baby Rogaine! This baby just grew a whole head of fucking hair between scenes! Don't give me some bullshit, "oh, they combed over his hair," no no, I went back and looked at his first scene, that baby DID NOT have that much hair. I mean, he's absolutely darling but it's just ridiculous. I love his expression in the with-hair picture. "Yeah, I dumped, what? What you gon' do? This is life happening right here. It's real! I'm raw, I'm the future, Poppa, I make hits! I make hits!"

Epiphany did get off one great line about the GSW surgery: "Multiple gunshot wounds...(looks at Jason)...well, at least we know who isn't involved." Haha, score. And can the plot with Patrick and Toussaint's mystery whistling please stop? We all know it's Toussaint. It's clearly him. It's old. I don't care.

Penishead: Confessions of a Video Vixen

On the brighter side, NS appeared to understand how to portray Cody, or as I call him, "Corporal Apeshit Surprise" this week, realizing he is a psychotic lunatic. No more Meet Cute bullshit. Of course, as soon as I heard Lainey mention "a full exam" I knew they had to sneak in one more obnoxious double entendre. Now watch me be proven wrong and the whole knife business in the preview for this week turn out to be just part of Lainey's kinky blood play fetish. Sorry.


Look at his little face. So gangsta. "Whatchu want, bitch? Whatchu want? I'm money, bitch, I'm money! I dook gold, bitch, I dook platinum! My diaper jingle-jangles when I walk! This show is mine in ten years, mines, I am alpha and omega! What, chuwanna have a baby? Pssh! I'ma A.J. his ass. I'm a businessman! In my hydroplane I'm goooone! Don't touch Teddy."

Yet another of Kelly's hidden talents.

I thought the portrayal of Kelly Lee had reached new lows after hearing she managed to fuck Jerry Jacks on mothership GH and then seeing this latest episode, in which even Dr. Dirty Sanchez is scared of her junk, until I saw the final scene with her in the shower. Now I am wondering if there is actually a method to this big-toothed madness, beyond Kelly just being "chee chee chee chee chee! Yay SEX0Rszz!11!!1" all the time. If Dr. Kelly is in fact some kind of sex addict, that is actually fairly compelling and a nice explanation for her insane promiscuity. Therefore, I trust Guza/Korte/etc. to completely maul what should be a very sensitive storyline geared towards women. The other problem with it is that I am almost convinced that the actress playing Kelly is in fact an anthromorphized velociraptor, and that her gigantic Botox dinosaur grin could not handle the acting required.



And so dies Mrs. Storch and her fucking broccoli jokes. About time, I'm afraid. I am almost positive the saboteur is in fact a "Medcam" saboteur and that that saboteur is evil-ass Leyla. Any takers? Yeah, thought so. A vaguely compelling story, all things considered. It beats the weekly drudgery of that lame thing with the kid with cerebral edema (a.k.a. Jason Disease). I would like to think we won't see that boy again but I know how long it took to get rid of Storch, much less Cody, who ain't gone yet. Lame story. Anyway, bring on a more interesting episode. Nothing has matched the premiere, and the socially conscious stuff with Toussaint and Stan really needs work still.


"Chu know where I got all this hair from, player? I ripped it out of Lindze Letherman's scalp! She don't need it, does Georgie got a story? Wake me up when September ends, Georgie! Holla! You fuckers are all Demo Track Future, but I am Extended Thunderpuss Dance Mix Future! You got a problem, Mahaghony? You got a problem, cause I heard the news today, old boy: I am the Young Americans! All of them, they're mes! Mes!! Make way for the king! No, don't touch me, bitch, I don't want your milk. I only drink unicorn milk from diamond-encrusted cups. My other baby carriage is made from gun metal."