Jul 18, 2007

GH: Night Shift - 1x01 - Marvin, He Was A Friend Of Mine

The HOT SEXY CAST of the new General Hospital spinoff "Night Shift."

Let's get this out of the way first: OH MY GOD IT IS A SHITTY CHICK ROCK COVER OF "NIGHT SHIFT." What the fuck, guys. What the fuck. Okay, moving along to the show...

...I actually really enjoyed it. It was not the height of great soap opera. Like, at all. It was not Claire Labine, it was not
Harding Lemay, it was probably not even Brown & Esenstein at their best, and I really hate them. But you know what? It was fine. It showed the hospital. It was all about the people in the hospital. People worked in the hospital and talked about the hospital. You know, like they don't do on General fucking Hospital. And it looks real, unlike GL's Benihana Memorial Hospital with the paper walls and the complimentary California roll with every surgical procedure. We even got exterior stuff and the great cheesy CGI. There's a lot of problems and flaws, the deification of Jason continues, some annoying characters, but it's just started, and you know, it's just not that bad. It's fun. One of the best things about it is making Robin (and Patrick) the emotional center, the core and the heroine. I think that should be her rightful place on GH, as a doctor, alongside people like Steve and Audrey and so on. She should be the show's conscience for the future. Kim McCullough is the best. Kim, if you're out there, we love you, honey. Nothing was the same without you, and you are slowly but surely, almost single-handedly saving General Hospital. You are my homey for life, Robin Scorpio! Ride or die. To where, I have no idea.

I guess I should also stop and take a moment to explain my quiet shame. My "secret pain," if you will. I feel it's
important I share this with you all - all six of you - so you might then be able to make an informed choice on whether to continue reading my blog entries or instead, retch in disgust and flee for the hills. You see, it's like this:


There. I know. I know, okay?! God! I am not proud of it. It's a disease, I understand that, and-and -- I know I have to make a choice to get help. But I'm...I'm not there yet. Okay? I'm just not. I'm not emotionally prepared. I am sorry, guys. I think Bradford Anderson is fucking adorable and would jump him in a second - and yet, it is horrible because no, I cannot stand the character of fuckin' Spinelli and I think his dialogue is just completely idiotic. They are really straining to invent their own unique lingo for Spinelli, and it comes off incredibly forced, these middle-aged men and women struggling to sound hip and young. Newsflash: if you have to try that hard, it's never going to work, and it's not worth it. But regardless, I think Bradford Anderson is clearly an excellent, expressive actor doing his best with the shucking and jiving caricature he is given. So let Spinelli be a bit more socialized. Let him stop talking like an autistic retard; how many times can he say "the minions of...?" "The Innocent One?" That's just desperate. "The Blonde One?" Jesus God that was stupid. It doesn't help that he's drank the mob Kool-Aid, either. Yeah, that's what we needed, another character who loves and worships the mob crew. Why can't Jason's understanding of Spinelli and his unassuming life with his grandma, along with his need for Liz and his child, be what starts to pull Jason back out of the braindead sanctimonious Gummi Bear Mob lifestyle and back towards something resembling humanity? Not that I can tolerate Jason or Steve Burton remaining on GH, because I can't, but still. Still. Meet me halfway. Because I am in love with Bradford Anderson. And frankly he's done so much theater that I...like to think I could have a shot.

...Um, gentrification.

I love the crazy dime-store CGI employed to show us the real city of Port Charles for the first time in many years (unless you count the Towering Whoreferno of 2004 in which it looked like some plastic buildings were belching
orange juice) , with everything way too big and glittery. It looks like Coruscant, the Imperial City from Star Wars. Only the finest home editing studio in WeHo for this CGI! No, seriously, it's cute, I liked it. It just could've done with a few X-Wings flitting around the skyline.

Not a system. A man.

Toussaint the janitor: Administrator of your butt-ass naked facility, all up in his bed. A man who could sleep with anything or anyone in that damn hospital. Oh, Lando, take me now. I am just happy to see Billy Dee Williams staying off the streets, okay? I will watch him do anything, Lando was always one of my favorites. Lando never got enough respect. Motherfucker blew up the Death Star! Respect. I cannot wait to hear about Lando's "mysterious past." It is sure to be lame but I am excited. No doubt he was once a rich man with wealth and power, perhaps running a
city in the clouds...full of IKEA furniture.

Lando lovingly fingers the elevator button. "Works every time!"

And now to the rest of our strictly basic cable ensemble, and the new kids. "Dr. Leo Julian" is a porn name, and this dude is gross. He looks like a 50%-off Elias Koteas from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or an uglier Rembrandt from The Warriors. Eww. "You want me to see patients, Epiphany? WHUT? Don't you know
I'm loco?!" Shutty. At least the new anesthesiologist, who we have yet to see onscreen, looks cute over on the official site. And there's always Kiko Ellsworth, but I'm afraid I can't take him seriously anymore. I find it both hilarious and sad that Kiko is right back on another soap of the exact same show, playing a thrice-recast role of the token black dude on GH, and of course they will try to put him and Kent King over in the "black corner." Ain't right. Like Lainey would have anything to do with Stan. Lainey is not the sharpest knife, but no way, especially not after the death of InJustus. Also hilarious: these two were both already paired up together on that other General Hospital spinoff. Except Lainey was a werewolf and he was a vampire! Retarded.

I know the dolls over at Serial Drama weren't too thrilled with the Weird Sisters Three, but I thought the nurses were okay except for Leyla. The "green young student" crap was overplayed but Regina reminded me so much of Myra from Family Matters, and frankly this show needs a predominantly independent new cast to survive IMHO. The more doctor/nurse characters the better. Leyla can die by fire, though. That would be fine. I noticed Kale Browne, or as I have come to call him, "DJ Welfare," was back doing the now-omnipresent and constant voice-over for the PA system. Jill Farren Phelps will not let Kale go wanting for rent money. We never heard so much radio, offscreen television and PA messages on a soap until Kale Browne got fired from OLTL. "Paging Dr. So-&-So...calling Nurse Such-&-Some Shit...I will do this for as long as it takes to pay my child support, people. You don't know what it's like out there, I could be doing industrial films. Infomercials for stool softeners. It's not okay, I used to be someone. Kassie dePaiva was all over me in our story. I'm going to end up starring in The Larry King Story on the Hallmark channel with a fake nose. Paging Dr. Drake..."

Hey, look, it's Allie Doyle! Someone finally found work! Wouldn't it be hilarious if she really was Crazy Allie incognito? I'd laugh. Just like if that mean old doctor was Dr. Grant from AMC on the '70s. Don't laugh at her, Ricky Paull Goldin, it could be you!

It's like looking into the surface of the sun.

URGENT NEWS UPDATE: MAXIE IS STILL A WHORE. I know, you're shocked. No, I'm still not over it, clearly. I will admit that Kirsten Storms is a bit more tolerable with some bitchier, witter dialogue, but Maxie as a character is just never going to fully recover from these years. And her boyfriend Coop is very hot, if dumb, useless and doomed a la Officer Jesse. At least this boyfriend appears old enough to shave. I'm still really annoyed that they want me to buy him as a cop when he was a terrorist at the Metro Court mere months ago. Coop at least has the good sense to know to cover up Maxie's monchichi, lest it cause the universe to fold in upon itself and sucks it inside her like a black hole, causing another Crisis On Infinite Earths. Good looking out, Coop.

Drugged + Hysterical % In Bed = Vanessa Marcil

As for the obvious question, who is BARRETT? Is it the Brender? I really doubt it, personally. Despite the rumors, I still refuse to believe even Typical Fucking GH is stupid enough to recast Brenda; I may have always hated her and VM, but I recognize her one of a kind persona and how closely, inextricably tied it is to Brenda; in many ways, IMHO, Vanessa is Brenda and Brenda is Vanessa. Someone had to put together the (scientifically impossible, so I hear) nitrous explosion on the ambulance. I think it's more likely that that same someone wants Jason and co. to believe BARRETT is Brenda to lure them in, or that Patient X is a relative of Useless Coop. I guess we'll see. But recasting Brenda would not give this show an auspicious start, especially if NuBrenda then immediately migrates to the mothership GH. ABC needs to not be pushing its luck with these major recasts. They got extremely lucky, one shot in a million with the Greenlee recast IMHO; Brenda is much bigger and that much harder.

Don't...don't toy with me, Bradford.

So that's it! Thank God I got this done before Episode 2. I'll see you guys there. I honestly like the show. Yes, it's got lots of flaws (all the mob apologists, right down to fuckin' Epiphany the stereotype) , no, it's no great shakes, but it's a decent enough start given the mob-infested, misogynistic show it comes from. It shows us stuff like Robin and Patrick together, working, in the hospital, and everything is coming out alright. I like it, I'm for it, and I'm sticking with it as long as my non-SoapNet self can access the episodes. Hooray. And look at that sunrise!

All screencaps courtesy of "Clarissa" at nopeekiepeekie until further notice. One more for the road: the real "Night Shift..."

Forgot about J.


Mark said...

There were werewolves on Port Charles? I knew about the vampires, of course, and the PSYCHOTROPIC CANDLES, the stupidest plot point ever devised by a soap writer. But I had no idea they went all Remus Lupin on us. Damn, I miss that show. It was so lovably desperate all the time.

I couldn't make it past the title, actually. I hate puns, but I'll give it another shot.

And it was totally Coruscant.

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