Jul 9, 2007

Y&R Wrapup - Beastmaster + Amnesia = FWAP FWAP

Okay so it's late. Okay so it's really really late. I got tiiiiredd y'all. Don't hate. Don't hate. Um, anyway, regardless, this is the first of two entries to wind up the failed experiment that was "Darn and I switch networks," in which I did, and he...really didn't. Blame him, I do! But regardless, I owe you guys one more Y&R entry. Technically it should only have covered two weeks ago Wednesday-Friday, but I ended up getting to this so late last week that I felt bad - and decided I would do not only the second half of the previous week, but also recap for you all of that week (now, um, last week) for you too. So I am, so I will, so there! You may no longer care, but I do! It's the principle of the thing! And now...


My emotion chip is working, Dad! Ping ping ping yaaayy! MMMMMM your pain tastes like saltwater taffy, Dad. Slurp slurp. That's my tongue.

Where better to begin than with Amnesia Nick and his return from the dead. Hot Bearded Amnesia Nick. I never realized how hot and good an actor Josh Morrow was before I tuned in for this thing. Unfortunately for Phyllis, he of course does not remember being with her or their beh-beh. No matter what manner of chintzy plastic, ridiculous-looking cowboy hats or drugs or complicated sex toys Phyllis brings to the hospital, Nick does not respond! Meanwhile, hilariously, Nick's entire family seems just thrilled with Phyllis' predicament. I mean, all of them, not giving a shit at all. Actually encouraging him to forget her. Personally, I feel for Phyllis, but I love that the Newman family are just such a bunch of sour, catty bitches that greet Phyllis when she comes back from Nick's hospital room with rolled eyes and requests that she not go back. See, this is the thing: Darn lectures me, tells me the Newmans have not necessarily always felt this way about Phyl, that these conflicts are fabricated recently by LML. And I understand that, and respect that, but at the same time, there is obviously some old bad blood there, and it's being recognized. It's refreshing to me. On so many other soaps (*koffkoff*OLTL*koffkoff*) they would all play Happy Families just out of writing laziness. Look at Joey Buchanan marrying Jen "That Whore" Rappaport. Jen who had taken great pleasure in trying to ruin Joey's sister Natalie's life and sell her out to rapist maniac Mitch Laurence. Oh, sure, Viki, Jessica and Natalie were not too pleased when the marriage was announced, and were reserved through the wedding, but then that was it - "well, we have to be there for Joe." Uh-uh. The Newmans say fuck that! And I for one love it. Every unbelievably bitchy, horrible comment by Nikki or Chopper (Victoria) , I just adored it. Poor Phyllis.

All Nick wants, of course, is Sharon and his old fambleee. He apparently has lost the knowledge that Sharin' is now the Town Bike. Even Brad had her. Brad. Poor Nick, so out of the loop on the present! Cassie dead! His facial hair longer and sexier! His son, woodener and gayer! Lil' Noerrr's favorite video game, Nick is told, is no longer 007, but now Final Fantasy. Hmm. Three guesses which one:

All up in ur RPG stealin ur dress-spheres

I do think there's a lot of good stuff that's arisen out of this storyline. The whole Nick/Phyllis-Jack/Sharon paradigm has always struck me as gonzo though I think the actors all work well together. And, there were the scenes with Jack and Nick, as Jack asks Nick if he's glad Jack taught him all those Boy Scout skills. Even for a Y&R neophyte like me, that makes you go back and think, 'oh yeah, he probably did that.' His'treeeeee. I like it.

But then there's the stories and characters that are just useless. I don't think I'm out of line in saying that, upon first impression, Don Diamont, or rather Brad Carlton, whoever, is one creepy motherfucker. Kind of another daytime Patrick Bateman (c/f: Mallet, GL) if, you know, Bateman used his giant leathery cheeks to store nuts and food for the winter. I mean, Jesus, he's like Steven Seagal in a business suit. And when did Brad and Mouser (Victoria) break up? And how is she now with JT? How? Where? Why? What? When? I'm not saying Thad Luckinbill is not trading up, he so definitely is, but it's so random to me. Just throw these fuckers around and see what sticks, is the philosophy apparently. Like Brad and Sharon - what?! Does Sharon want to get kickboxed half to death like Kelly LeBrock? I ask you. I need to know.

G'day maaaate! This be me first wife, aarrrr. Mixed-up accents, yaarrr. I miss my old buddy John Amos. And my ferrets.

OMG you were on a basic cable show no one watched! Watch fucked-up daytime line up to suck your dick! When did Y&R turn into the Out Of Work Cable/'80s Stars Soup Kitchen? Nia Peeples, Tammy Lauren (who I actually like as Maggie, don't get me wrong) , and now the fuckin' Beastmaster? They could've at least got Marc Singer and his crazy looking face! Are we supposed to be impressed that little ol' daytime netted the Beastmaster? Is that why I'm supposed to want to watch this guy? It just seems like a thoroughly retarded uber-retcon (in which Thom Bierdz is a Faux!Phillip) done not to exploit story potential for Jill and Katherine, but rather done solely to introduce this totally useless, boring, bland character...who happens to be played by the Beastmaster, in which case he is deemed worth it. And, worse, is married to Amber. deargodinheaven. And I'm sorry, I don't care how nouveau riche those two are, how humble Cane's beginnings really were, but as Chancellor heirs I do not fucking buy that they were so broke that they could not get privacy at home, could not go to a hotel, and so had to fuck in his car. That's some Melrose Place reasoning right there. Late-stage Melrose Place. And I loved and adored Melrose Place. But worse, Amber as a character is just seriously tacky and base, in a way I thought Y&R was above. Adrienne Frantz ain't getting any younger and the 'ain't I a stinkah?' little girl act is getting old. Amber stories are all the same, and dragging those cartoon characters from B&B over to do guest shots is not helping Y&R. It just strikes me as a particularly embarrassing, juvenile, and worse, passe chapter in Y&R's history while they try to emulate a number of other bad soaps...from the late '90s.


As we can all see, things continue to not go well for William. He is trapped in the lion's den surrounded by Fishers/Baldwins. Even that baby probably wants him dead. Not that I care much about him, but still, it's funny. I love that Chesty McHeroic (Paul) and Det. Maggie keep visiting him and are like, "what? what's that you wrote, William? 'MRDR? HLP MEEE?' I-I don't understand, buddy. Timmy? Timmy at the well? What? How?" These scenes are so silly but so classic soap, with the dying old man and the desperate shrewish wife out to hide her misdeeds. And now the whole family is in on the act. I like how the rest of them sans Gloria all just sort of listlessly
acknowledge William, who could put them all in jail if he talks, whenever they come home. "Oh, uh, haha, hi...yeah." Lauren's reactions are particularly hilarious. "Here, watch William for awhile, Lauren, you have nothing to do this afternoon, right? Right. Watch our legal liability." And then she and William keep trading eyes to shifty eyes. AWK-WARD! And so funny. I could talk about Gloria's continued facial hilarity, but really, Judith Chapman speaks for herself.

youarepushingitmyfriendyouarepushingit. do you know why they call me the gray death? letmeshowyou. Iammadeoflaffytaffymotherfucker.

Once again the primal, lustful savagery of Victor Newman rages forth to lay claim to his woman as he clocks David Chow! Oh, the ladies loved that - in 1982! No, what can I say, I still love it, it's awesome. Victor has basically become Robert Shaw from Jaws to me, except no boat or shark, just one crazy fucking old man. His speech patterns are essentially the same. To this day I need closed-captioning to understand about a third of Quint's dialogue in that movie. Nikki rushes forward to defend David and momentarily forget about her other ongoing love affair with Entemann's baked goods - I'm sorry, that was low - but she just doesn't understand. Victor does! Victor in his rough and ready "casual wear." Suit jacket and blue jeans, like fucking Robert Redford out at Taos or something. "The hipness." Come on. Robert Redford isn't fooling anyone anymore and neither are you, Victor. Victor knows it issab-o-taaage that blew up Nick's plane. Just like that, sab-o-taaage. And I, for one, believe him. Because he might hit me. And then I would have to take a fake stunt fall and pretend to be hurt, just like David.

Straight as hell.

And of course Kevin has an insane scheme to trap Jana. I realize by the time I post this it's actually several days after his insane scheme to trap Jana, but give me a little credit for working a week longer than my original brief, 'kay? I know I'm behind on the times, a relic of the past. Anyway, Kevin's brilliant plan involves nearly killing himself and mating his car to a tree while still in it, and Greg Rikaart absolutely revels in it. Kevin in his hospital bed of pain, croaking out gleeful demands upon everyone, miming 'scissor fingers' at Colleen as he insists she tell Jana he is still in surgery - priceless. I will give Wolf Girl this - the Kevin/Colleen chemistry works, to me. Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's great. The subtext GR seems to play to me is that he knows there's something weird between them, knows he can wrap Colleen around his finger because of it, and sort of tries to play it off while obviously keeping it bubbling at the surface of their interactions, and in his subtle taunting of Korbel. He's just great. And the scenes with him and Michael after Michael cottoned on to his plan were lovely. These characters are OTT in some ways, certainly, but LeBlanc really infuses his struggles to get them to articulate their feelings and the gulf of difference in perspective between them with a lot of emotion and reality. But where Michael wants to get through to Kevin, Kevin just lies there, fucked-up and battered, pouting. He doesn't want to hear it, or at least is too young to care. On another show, it would be a TENDER MOMENT where Kevin acknowledges to Michael he understands but won't change yet. Here, Kevin is just too young, stupid (but brilliant) , and self-destructive, and so there is no resolution to the issue and the family dysfunction continues. And that makes perfect sense to me.


Apparently I am the only one who caught the unintentional hilarity of "porn addict" Daniel telling Lily he will "enjoy his shower," and her blithely responding, "I know you will." FWAPFWAPFWAP Only on American daytime television would a story about an addiction to Internet pornography go by without even a passing reference to masturbation. This is like that hilarious Lifetime movie with Kelly Lynch and the boy from Peter Pan who gets addicted to porn and doesn't jerk off, just is shown sitting in his room drinking Red Bulls for days. Judging by Daniel's reactions at the shrink's office, apparently watching porn and not jacking it makes you jerky, sweaty and Lee Strasberg Method twitchy, as though you were doing coke. Fine, okay. I did enjoy seeing another Fallen '80s Player in the role of Daniel's psychiatrist, BTW, a woman who I must be the only to know the name of - character actress Lisa Waltz! Best (un)known as the hapless wife of zombie sheriff Clancy Brown in the horrible Pet Sematary II, who is killed along with her son in a hair band metal-tinged vehicular homicide attack near the end of the movie. Remember that? Yeah. Go back and check, I'll wait. It's her. Keep on paying for the kids' college education, Lisa Waltz.

See? Lower right.

I'll go heat up the lasagna.

Does Logan's character role strike anyone else as basically Lee Grant's from Valley Of The Dolls? Anyone? No? Just saying. Same creepy aloofness, same sexual vibe, same random lines. Okay. Nevamiiiind.

...So that's it for Y&R. Finally. I'm sorry it took so long and that it's still out of date, but I have been busy with job hunting and I did feel a responsibility for ONE OF US! to fulfill our cross-network obligation. I've actually really enjoyed the show though I can tell it's not what it was, and maybe I'll keep up with it. I do have one more GL entry to do - God knows what I'm going to do there, since I had written up my last scheduled episode, but that was, uh, almost two weeks ago. I want to try and make it somewhat current, so I'll work something out. Should be up tonight or through to the weekend. Also coming soon as soon as I can find ALTERNATIVE MEANS to watch it is a take on General Hospital: Night Shift. I am desperate to blog it but do not have SN. If anyone has ANY IDEAS AHEM please to let me know, otherwise I might have to beg my friend Anna. And that would be shameful. kthnx.


Kaboom said...

AWESOME recap, jase! Definitely worth the wait. :0)

And again...GloBag as Zorak. GENIUS. Whenever I'm down I picture her scurrying away and then getting blowed up by Thunderclees. lol

Kel said...

You can watch Night Shift on Soapnetic on Soapnet.com.

elisabeth said...

These posts have been awesome, Jase! Please don't stop. And make Darn do his! Can't we shame him into it or something? I'd love to see his (or your!) take on the upcoming OLTL Return to the Valley of the Dolls Extravaganza, otherwise known as Asa's Funeral, for Reals This Time (Maybe).

jase said...

I would try to shame Darn again, but I have learned he has no shame left. This after the man told me he thinks OLTL is "the best ABC soap right now." I mean, I love OLTL, it's my show, and I know the other two are far from the winners of the bake sale, but come on, "the best?" Nuh-uh.

I know he wants to get back to it soon and I'm sure he will. Look at it this way: I'm only 100 POSTS BEHIND HIM! It's not like he needs to rush.

Mark said...

That was awesome, Jase. Victor as Quint? Genius. I haven't checked out LML's Y&R yet. All I'm watching is Days at the moment, but I may have to now. And I wanted to let you know that you and Darn have inspired me to resurrect the Jill and Megan Sessions over on my blog.

Can't wait to hear your take on Night Shift, which I haven't watched yet. See Robin Scorpio naked on a poster makes me feel about as wrong as seeing Daniel Radcliffe in the tight t-shirt in the first scene of Order of the Phoenix. It's just not right.

jase said...

OH LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT DAN RADCLIFFE IN THAT SHIRT. Dan Radcliffe getting naked was a running joke tonight at our showing of OOTP in the Village, except for me? Not much of a joke.

Anonymous said...

Please spread the word on the Y&R botcott that is happening on the week of August 20th.

Here are the official details:

It's not enough that we not watch YR that week. We, must endorse another soap in order to overtake YR that week in the ratings. GH is the easiest, non-CBS soap to accomplish this task because it's the highest rated show on ABC.
It's only one week that could send a powerful message to LML and TPTB at CBS Daytime.