Jul 12, 2007

GL Wrapup - In Which Coop Talks To His Erection


"Hark, brother! I sense peril!"

"Yours is but a flight of fancy, Richard! I sense nothing!"

"Nay, Peter! A strangeness comes over us...just as in all the times of legend past!"

"I...I feel it too, Richard! A steel that makes us hot from within! The burning time has returned! We must secure the village! The women and children!"

"Once again young Henry attempts to shield us from sight! Quickly, Peter! We must quell the storm, prevent his shaming before the buxom wench!"

"We could no sooner part the tides or turn back the sun, Richard. We are but fleshy toys to this infernal force of nature. Why, the last time
Henry's nature came upon like this, it was in that night of wild inebriated abandon with that strapping young moor!"

"Hold fast, brother! Henry flees for the privacies! We can yet survive this madness! Strength and honor, Peter!"

"Strength and honor, Richard!"

...And so, we reach the end of this long experiment. So I'm so fucking late on my last GL entry, that I decided to make up for it by doing both the Fourth of July episode, which was actually fairly important, and then covering all of last week. What better time for a recap of last week than the following Wednesday, right?...ahaha. ahem And you know, it's been good. Not so much a really good show, but good fun. By my reckoning, GL today has definite peaks and valleys. The show is holding on by its fingernails but won that head writing Emmy, which it didn't really deserve, but which I can live with it having by virtue of all the other soaps which outright suck on ABC, and by virtue of the fact that it seems like the folks at GL put their heart and soul and blood, sweat, and tears into...an incredibly miniscule-budgeted, often mediocre show. But even when it's mediocre, the actors are great, and the dialogue is pretty well-covered. And when it's not mediocre or drowning good material in a series of other flaws, it's actually pretty decent. And I'm hooked in by a few storylines in particular, so I think I may be back - and following it surreptitiously at CBS.com, certainly, since for all I know it comes on at like 5 AM here.

Hay u guiz iz mee Lillyun! ! Still on showz!!1 I lik killd Moreen lols glug glug loveme

There's really only place to start on this big mammoth fucker of a recap: Bananas cucharacha insane Beth Raines and her bugfuck crazy fucking mother. Beth, still led around loins-first by her abusive daddy figure fetish, goes into the Fourth of July ready to sell out Rick to Alan. Making him touch her belly, reminiscing about the old times back when Phillip was, you know, more or less sane and when Beth threw Rick over to fuck Phillip, Lujack, a wall, stuff like that. "MISTAKES HAVE BEEN MADE!! I know my ex-husband killed Cassie's daughter, but it's the Bauer barbecue! Be the godmother, Cassie! Be the godmother it's a barbecue! Oh, look, the baby kicked! The baby kicked, feel, Rick, feel! Feel my stomach, feel it undulate! This past year is the closest you've gotten since you were sixteen, I know, yes, I know! Every other psychopath in town since except you, yes, yes, good times, Rick, good times it's a barbecue! Would an unfit mother let you do that? My kids have all turned out so great! Could you m-m-maybe hit me, I mean, nevermind, hahaha whatamIsaying, anyway, the Bauer barbecue! Hooray everyone!" And oh Christ, Lillian. Fucking Lillian fucking Raines. I know, I know, honor and respect the vets, I agree. And Tina Sloan's a fine actress. But you know and I know there's always at least one vet on the show that's the turd in the punch bowl. For me that vet is Lillian. Crazy-ass Lillian, as crazy as her daughter, and still the biggest enabler in the world. What can you say about a woman that, all these fucking years later, still adds this priceless disclaimer to her reminiscence of Beth and Rick's adolescence: "Oh, no, it couldn't have been that year because that was the year Bradley was So Awful." And by Bradley, she means Beth's stepfather, and by "So Awful," she means "He Beat & Raped Her & I Did Jack Shit," if I remember correctly. All these years later, Lillian still calls it "Bradley being So Awful." Nice. Go polish the china and lust after other women's husbands some more, Lillian. I did notice that, terrifyingly, Buzz appears to be getting saddled with Lillian next. All I can say is oh how the mighty have fucking fallen. From Jean Carol and my homegirl Fiona Hutchison, from Mo Garrett and Crystal Chappell, all the way down to the ladder to Lillian. Run, Buzz, run!

I understand that GL got bills, okay, but it is really pathetic that the Bauer barbecue is now being held in the middle of fucking Main Street. Isn't it bad enough that everything else happens on that one tacky rundown disco set they call a street, or in the hotel? Can't you spring for a fucking backyard again? It's the goddamn Bauer barbecue. God. And then there's this little continuity liberty:


I realize this is not quite as bad as the old days when, say, Ellen Stewart's baby on ATWT would come back a few weeks later played by, like, fucking Sean Donely from GH. (Irna Phillips was crazy.) But for God's sake. Rick and Mel
had a baby like four years ago. I'm not saying this pretty girl playing Leah is a bad actress, but she is sixteen if she's a day. Come on now. Don't fuck with me on this. Yeah, yeah, I know - GL Got Bills - but just because you guys are constantly on the precipice of cancellation, doing crazy shit like weekly special episodes, dumping almost all your sets, and working as scab building laborers for extra cash, doesn't mean you should dump all pretense of even soap opera realism. Even OLTL, which aged Duke Buchanan horribly, would look at this Leah SORAS and be like, "Whoa. Watch it."



I apologize for "wombsquats."

For serious. PSSSH!

Meanwhile, Rafe continues being a Bert with his unibrow, dicking around with everyone for weeks at a time. Stealing Harley's money. "Yeah I took yo money, so what?! Whaz yo problem?! PSSSH! I'mouttahere." That's how all his scenes with adults fucking end! "PSSSH! I'mouttahere. klomp klomp klomp." Why the fuck do they keep letting him act like that? He is just such a nasty little bastard all the time and even Gus runs around like, 'let me wipe your nose and drain your fuzzy balls, you fucking sixteen year old teenage punk.' Little bastard looks like Flattop from the old Dick Tracy strip. He treats Harley like cow dung and Gus just takes it. Fuck you and your "street" sideways cap, Rafe. So after they're caught out by Harley on the Fourth, Rafe and Daisy communicate on their laptops through some insane Internet interface which looks for all the world like the Korean Internet to me, cause it sure don't resemble any browser I know - or Hong Kong, or Japan, or whatever, it's very Asian pop; anyway - and we're still being asked to believe SuDaisy has yet to finish high school, and then they run away like damn fools. Run away to...a relative's house. Hardcore, kids. Hey, do Daisy and Beth even remember being family? Amusingly, later in the week, Alan rewards Rafe's mere existence with...a laptop. Ignoring the fact that Rafe already had a laptop two days ago. Come on, Guiding Light! Stop fucking with me like this! I know you can't afford a continuity consultant anymore but for God's sake! Two days ago! Meanwhile, every single episode featuring SuDaisy and Rafe's Romeo + Juliet hijinks and their parents ends on an incredibly inappropriate youth pop song with Gus and Natalia standing together on one side, and Harley and Dylan on the other and OMG TEH SYMBOLIZZZMMM I got it the first eight times, thanks, guys.

And then there's Josh. Or as I call him today, "Father Poon Ninja." Josh has had more ass than all the proctologists in America and now he wants to be a minister, but let's put aside the most obvious problems with this storyline for a moment. It's the little things that grate. Josh drinking at the barbecue and then again with Olivia at Company, making his boner joust with Reva's, uh...vestigial pouch later on, etc etc. Acting all divine and sanguine and non-judgemental like he has not fucked almost everything inside the state line and occasionally, cloned things and then fucked their clones. Things like that. "Hey, Cassie, I just got some weird looks for getting a beer over there, is that okay? Like, I also kind of humped that girl over there roasting the hot dogs, is that, is that like, okay? I mean, I don't - I just don't know like what kind of unfair, unrealistic expectations people have for me as a minister! Um, I bent that kid from the high school ball team over a picnic table, is that a problem, do you think? God I'm sweating! Whoo! Are you hot, baby? Stupid question, haha." I'm not saying Robert Newman is not a fine actor or an attractive man, he's still a hot daddy. It's just, Josh Lewis is the high school softball dad whose cell ringtone is "Promiscuous Girl." Josh Lewis is that desperate, silverback daddy sweating it out and still going on the dance floor when the lights come up at Rage at 6 AM, still trying to dance and get some.

But of course Reverend McLotsO'Gash's faults are bigger than simply the flightpath of his johnson. No, it's about more high-minded moral matters too. Josh has discovered that Cassie, in vengeance against Alan for Tammy, has altered Beth's paternity test to show Rick as the father. What is his reaction? "I think you made a choice," Josh says stoically. "It's not up to me to decide whether it's right or wrong." Well isn't that conveeeeenient, Father O'Bukkake, except guess what: You sleep with her. Personally, I don't judge Cassie too harshly and think it's a good story for her to have gone off her rocker and done this to Alan, but as a supposed man of the (lubricant-stained) cloth, Josh is supposed to have a code. She's his saintly fiancee and she's responsible for it all, and he is now an accessory by going along. It is not an anonymous confessional when your dick is inside her, Josh. Instead, Josh drones on to Cassie with a breezy, philosophical "we may not agree on some things..." and I wonder if the writers are high. It's not like she's an athiest, Josh! She faked a paternity test! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised at Josh's lack of priestly standards when I see that the Reverend Rutledge he is working with appears to be...Jm. J. Bullock. I swear to God, he looks and sounds exactly like Jm. J. Bullock. Still very creepy, Jm. Reverend Monroe simperingly tells Josh, Cassie, and the baptism-happy parents he's interviewing that baptism "[is] the moment when we get to put a child's destiny in God's hands." You mean, when you put its head underwater? Was I the only one whose mind went to that? Also? Those "parents" getting their child baptized looked like porn stars to me. Not casting stones. I'm just -- I mean, clearly, GL Got Bills. Cast whoever you can, right? Right. I understand. I understand.


It's a daytime first y'all. Breaking new ground, like Agnes Nixon. It's a milestone! With ten little words, John Driscoll
, Caitlin Van Zandt, David Kreizman, and Ellen Wheeler have changed everything...

"Dude. Dude, what are you doing? What is going on?!"

I know, I'm a little verklempt too. It's a historic moment, daytime acknowledging the physical realities and dimensions of the male sexual organ! Was it a little crass, a little goofy? Oh God yes, but frankly, with the way American daytime still tiptoes around or completely mishandles so many raw human realities, it was kind of refreshing to see even as I was mildly mortified. Watch Coop talk to his boner, kids at home! You'll learn a lot more about sex than you ever could from John and Marlena swooning all over each other.

Coop and Ashlee are so beyond adorable though, srsly. They are teh loveness. A huge part of what makes them so cute is that Caitlin Van Zandt is so utterly different from most daytime performers - and I don't mean her weight, so you can can that old Kathy Brier cliche catchphrase right now (not to put down Kathy actually, who has been doing her best work on OLTL in years in the last few weeks) . I mean her delivery, her gestures and affect; it's incredibly grounded in a kind of unpretentious reality which you really don't see on daytime, reminding me more of someone I'd see in, say, Knocked Up - just messy verbal garbage or human tics. With that naturalism comes a lot of very real dry humor, and that dry style has totally made the banter between Coop and Ashlee naturalistic and cute. Coop tells Ashlee to be careful about Alan, and Ashlee blows it off with, "Oh, I shot him." I can't help adoring them and I hope GL keeps going as far away from the "sad, humble fat girl makes good" route of Marcie Walsh as possible. I have loved and hated Marcie, and there were reasons why.

As cute and funny as Coop and Ashlee are, there is one storyline and one actress that will make me stay with GL even if I'm not always blogging it or watching everyday; that is, of course, Gina Tognoni as the brain-damaged Dinah Marler. Jesus H. Christ. She ain't fucking around! That's too real for me, man. I've given Gina Tognoni a lot of shit since her OLTL years for what I felt became a wholly cold, self-righteous, unsympathetic and impenetrable performance as Kelly Cramer during the Jill Farren Phelps era - she was way too thin, and her Kelly became so imperious and bitchy with no self-consciousness towards the audience. It wasn't til Heather Tom sent Kelly's massive flaws up and restored her humanity that I became a fan of the character. That said, Gina T. has been a revelation as Dinah, and is doing stunning work with this brain damage storyline so far. When I heard about it I rolled my eyes; it would be so easy for daytime to bullshit away something like that. Remember Carly's "brain damage" on GH when Sonny shot her in the head while she gave birth and they used the medical explanation to try to dismiss her wanting Alcazar over Sonny? Too often they use this shit just for plot points and gloss over the uglier, realer details, the loss of comprehension, but Gina is playing all of it, and you can see Dinah's wheels turning and her spark being suppressed at every moment. She is amazing just playing Dinah trying to operate a phone, or figure out how to open the closet door again. Unfortunately, Mallet is a fucking idiot and completely oblivious; "hey, Dinah, I gotta leave for awhile, remember to program the Tivo and cook our dinner! Oh, also, um, do me some long division for our taxes! And hey, honey? Can you call the station and get my messages, and take them down in descending order by date? kthnxbabe!" Mallet appears to be the only motherfucker on Earth to not realize his wife is stumbling around, looking lost as shit cause she BRAINDAMAGED son! Good Lord. The scenes with Dinah and Matt last week were really touching. "Who are you again?" "Spartacus." Hee.


I am not saying Brian Gaskill is a caveman. I want people to know that. I am saying I think Dylan Lewis is devolving into some kind of Jack Kirby "Early Man" character, perhaps one acquainted with Devil Dinosaur. With every passing episode, he seems more bestial, savage, and also, really, really stupid. Why is it that at least a third of the adults searching for Daisy and Rafe went for the option of "our children are missing - let's stop to drink?" After one glass of wine Dylan is smashed - even I am not that much of a lightweight, Dylan - and falling all over his hotel room and "drunkenly" kissing Harley "impulsively" in what has to be the worst kiss ever. Dylan is clearly the guy at
college parties who sips some beer and is like "Oh my God, you guys, you guys, I am so drunk. I am, I, you could like do anything to me, I, I don't even know, I have to take off my clothes and get on my bed, who knows what could happen! Ohhh God!" Beth Ehlers does not appear to be able to show any kind of even remote attraction to him, and I don't blame her. Where is Morgan Englund? Why has CBS forsaken him? That man is still rock fucking solid. I can only imagine the inevitable scene in which Harley and Dylan "succumb to passion" with Brian Gaskill in the role, since that is obviously where this awful fucking story is going, if only briefly. Dylan Lewis, the over the hill tina freak who still thinks he's Meg Ryan with a cockring. And also, a Neanderthal.

I have given up trying to further express my disgust with the Olivia/Jeffrey "story." I tried last time and I think I pretty much shot the wad. How much can you say, honestly? Doesn't it really speak for itself? Oh, sure, Olivia and the writers try to breezy-philosophize their way out of it the same way Reverend Vagina-Master did on Cassie's falsifying the paternity test: "Neither one of us has ever gone for the sentimental stuff," Olivia says to Jeffrey airily as she again tries to sell him on becoming the Rapemaster to her Gatekeeper. "...It's one of those memories that defines everything." What, Olivia, like a baby's first steps? (Note: Not your rape baby.) Like high school graduation? Oh, you mean when he raped you! My bad! All this pseudo-intelligent dialogue from clearly intelligent people trying to sell the unwritable is just insulting. They try so hard to make Olivia and Jeffrey sound mature and reasonable in discussing their "unfinished business" like it was just some teenaged fling; no, he raped her, move the fuck on. Olivia agonizes that their feelings are supposedly unresolved because of "what happened" and that they must get out of "this limbo" they're in - rape is not a limbo, Olivia. Any real life therapist would tell her she's scarred and projecting all sorts of sick shit onto her early sexual experience and trying to romanticize it, but no, here on the soaps, it's just adult relationship angst. How far have we actually come from Bill raping Laura Horton, anyway? He did rape her, right? I coulda sworn. I don't understand how Crystal Chappell can play this shit and not vomit.

We also saw Jeffrey and Olivia's rape baby Ava this week being her skinny bitch self, and here's where I have to take a detour to talk about a pressing issue:

The Beacon Hotel: Lvl 2 Dungeon x 1 Triforce, no silver arrows

...So Ava comes over to talk to Olivia, okay? Comes over to Olivia's hotel room. From her own hotel room, in the same hotel. And says, "I was just at Ashlee's." You mean Ashlee's room, Ava. "I was just at Ashlee's room." Say it, Ava. Say it. YOU ALL LIVE IN THE SAME HOTEL. Ava, Ashlee, Ava's parents who are not even together, Dylan, I think maybe Beth and Rick...I know, I know. GL got bills. But this is really getting pathetic. It's like a Legend of Zelda mission map, that fuckin' place. This isn't cute, like when Search For Tomorrow did it. Just because Mary Stuart was on your show doesn't mean you can do it too. Anyway, Ava, little bitch, shows up at Ashlee's door with chocolates. Subtle ho. Ashlee kept it real by throwing that lamp or whatever at her. Marcie Walsh woulda just cried while Dead Al watched from the sidelines and shook his invisible fist.

Remy is still over in that corner, guys. Just saying. Crowded street. You could maybe go ho - no? Okay. All right.

As I've said I will give it to GL for Cyrus/Marina, they are hot and have real chemistry, even if the story is more than a bit old by daytime standards. Con man with a heart of gold, sweet heroine, etc etc. Mandy Bruno is still way too pert and sweet and dressed like Daisy on The Dukes of Hazzard to be at all convincing as a cop, but she is a fine enough actress these days (I used to detest her) and really sells her passion with that guy. When she was overcome during Dinah's coma vigil and told Cyrus to "take me home?" Hot. Just saying. Unfortunately, the problem is all the brains and feistiness Mandy Bruno's Marina seems to have just recently acquired in my eyes comes apart like a dandelion the minute she lets Cyrus and his fuckin' accent cow her. Immediately she's all softshoe-tiptoe apologetic, oh sorry Cyrus, of course I trust you, as you steal Alex's pearls and she schemes to make you her sex slave behind my back. Blah blah blah. Any time a man tells a woman "I'm doing this for us," she should know that fucker is up to no goddamn good. For a cop, like Marina, it should've been a huge flag. Instead, she acquiesces. They can do better.

Srries Jeffrey, Reva's is bigger. THIS IS SPARTA!!!

I have of course saved the, uh, best for last. As you and I both know by now, fucking Reva and her gigantic honky-tonk washboard banjo blues bar of a cooze have been sated. Yes, there's only one other man who can stand up to Reva's angry monchichi, and that is Jeffrey O'Neill, the walking sex crime. But you know - and it deeply, deeply pains and nauseates me to say this - I did not hate their drinking-&-banter scenes. I was actually amused. And I asked myself, why? Did I leave the stove on, maybe? The answer is, no, I didn't, but that was a fair question. I thought about it, and I think I know what it is. Yes, I absolutely fucking hate Reva. I find her utterly repulsive. But so much of that is tied into what they've tried to make her, which is, the supercouple damsel, the queen of love, the sex goddess who no man can resist. When introduced Reva was rough trade, right? She was the "slut of Springfield," she was open for business, only certain men could stomach her. But then Josh and Reva became JOSHXREVA, supercouple, and suddenly they're trying to sell her as Dee Hall or Genie Francis, or Queen of San Cristobel who a European prince would be unbelievably attracted to, or a time traveling maiden. It's like, have they seen Reva? Her face is like one of the Dalek pigslaves from Doctor Who. I'm sorry, but it is. She is not that beautiful and the character may be very tough and very savvy, but she is not necessarily that brilliant or that irresistible. She just loves sex and men and family, probably in that order if you ask me. And when the character is just who she really is when you have a stiff drink and take a look at her fucking face, then I can enjoy Reva. And that's what those scenes were to me - the real Reva, drinking and fucking. She seemed comfortable, she was actually funny. For once, they were not trying to sell her as some sex goddess Madonna in the pink leotard, embarrassing herself at Live Earth with dancers a third of her age...anyway, putting Jeffrey aside, it was the first time I've liked Reva in, like, ever. Reva is gross. But sometimes that can be a good thing.

Beth closes her eyes and thinks of Scott Peterson.

So there we are. It took fucking long enough, but it's my last GL entry, at least for now. I think I will be staying with the show on a recurring basis, haha, as I really like some of these stories and characters, and I may blog it from time to time. I've really enjoyed this, and I hope you, uh, have too, if you haven't forgotten about it entirely. I would not blame you. Thank God we didn't offer some kind of refund or something. Also, somewhere out there, some poor person named RoseVioletDaisy probably has no idea I shamelessly ganked most of these photos from her wonderful GL screencaps. If she finds out she is within her rights to prison shank me, I officially admit it. See you guys on the Night Shift. Oh, and we have one final GL Retro Moment. I am not going to bother with context here, all I can say to describe it is three words: Enough. Is. Enough.

...and it certainly wasn't good enough for HER.


Cat said...

"God I'm sweating! Whoo! Are you hot, baby? Stupid question, haha"

^ LMAO! That and "Bananas cucharacha insane Beth Raines and her bugfuck crazy fucking mother." This whole post is a thing of beauty. Except for that cap of Reva and Scruffey mooing at each other. That was just scary.

elisabeth said...

I enjoyed these so much--I was laughing my ass off, and I don't even watch GL. Now I might start . . . crap! Anyway, please keep these going, they're wonderful!

Mark said...

Do not ever apologize for wombsquats. It's Beth Raines. It's perfect.

jess said...

Where is Morgan Englund?

i wonder that all the time. i loved Dylan and Bridget (Melissa Hayden).

i can't even find clips of them on youtube.

t's just, Josh Lewis is the high school softball dad whose cell ringtone is "Promiscuous Girl."
lol. i can completely picture that.