Y&R - OMG! LOL!

(click to enlarge)

Jack's head, I'd like you to meet your new body. Say hello!

You gotta be KIDDING me with this shit.

I might watch this if only for the lolz.

COMING SOON TO THE WRECK CENTER

uh ohs.

EASTENDERS

coming soon

top image @ Big Pictures.

GH: Night Shift - 1x06x07 - Kill The Pregnant Lady

Voice of God, pal! Do what I say, boomer. Mmm, I need fiber. And virgin blood.

...Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that when Kale Browne (a.k.a. Jill Farren Phelps' former mantoy a.k.a. the insufferable Sam Rappaport on OLTL) does his usual Hospital Voice Of God schtick on GH and Night Shift so he can pay the rent each month, he is constantly calling out for different female doctors, many of whom are named "Grosbard?" In the last episode I heard him call for both "Dr. Megan Grosbard" and "Dr. Katie Grosbard," no lie. Personally? I think he's just lonely.

ALL UP IN UR SHOWZ W/O DISERNIBL PORPOISE
WASTIN UR TIMEZZ

So what did we learn from Night Shift's big two-part epic event? Well, I know what I learned: Not a goddamn fucking thing that I didn't know over ten years ago when they had that Quentin Tarantino episode of ER with the dead pregnant lady that Night Shift just totally ripped off. What the fuck was the point of this? We all know Robin and Patrick are not going to have a baby much less decide to have a baby on the SoapNet spinoff show - if that happens, it will come on the mothership. And we have seen "pregnant woman in confined space with hapless civillian" eight thousand times. I even saw it on Saved by the Bell with Zach and Mr. Belding's wife. And Tori. Remember Tori, the biker replacement for Kelly and Jesse because Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkeley were holding out for more money? Remember - well, nevermind.


If there is anything that could make Night Shift even more of a weekly will-sapping drudgery than it already is at this point, it is the resurgence of the constant Bob Guza theme: Crazy Emotional Women Who Don't Know Better. The latest up to bat is of course Robin, who will apparently henceforth be known as Dr. HIV McBabyEater judging by the writing. Robin sobs! Robin beats her breast! Robin blames everyone for "Staaaceeeeyyyy's" death! Clinical, professional, "best of the best" Patrick grabs her, shakes her, holds her tightly, makes her see! Even cold, suspected murderess Leyla has it more together than baby-mad Robin! Enough. The sad thing is I keep hearing Guza worships Kimberly McCullough, so I'm sure he and his writers think material like this for Robin, or other women on GH, is just honoring her ability and giving her more material for great drama. Unfortunately, when he tells the same types of stories with the same "crazy wimmins" themes over and over again, it gets fucking old and tiresome and - shock! - misogynistic.

Steve vs. Vagina: ETERNAL STRUGGLE

It wouldn't be GH without Jason able to do anygoddamnthing with surgical precision. "The C-section was perfect, nearly textbook," Dr. Kelly tells Robin. Well of course it fucking was. What a surprise. I personally didn't need to hear Jason talking about shoving the towel up Stacey's crimson lagoon, but you know what, whatever. Fine, Jason can do anything. Whatevs.

There really isn't much more to say, honestly. I feel bad because we keep bumping the OLTL entry and otherwise I have been incredibly busy with work and family stuff, but really these past two NS episodes have been like the visual and aural equivalent of a bland, annoying drone in front of my face. I think anyone else who watched will agree. Like I said up top, we've all been here before - labor in confined space with helpless bystanders, tragic mother passes on, etc etc. And of course, the old stand-by in desperate subpar medical dramas that need to try to sell the audience on their show being serious-minded television: Kill The Pregnant Lady. When in doubt, ice her, guys. It "works" every time. And by "works" I mean, bores us to death. At least, I was. Bored. To death. And I expect to be again tomorrow with the return of Lainey, her demented father, and Corporal Knifelove. The problem for them is, by tomorrow they'll be out of Dead Pregnant Ladies.

Fuck it, srsly. Ho to the hum.

HOT SEXY UPDATE MMM

Hooray for boredom and serendipity! Last week's Night Shift was almost totally unmentionable and unremarkable - fortunately, it is part of a doubly unremarkable two-parter! Therefore, I shall cover both as one yet again in the next several days! Also coming soon: An OLTL post. We swear! Good night.

ATWT/ALL - Tactical Nuke

Friday, 2 PM EST, CBS.

So now then.

I haven't followed the ATWT story with Luke and Noah that closely. I've been pretty cynical about it, because we've been burned before. Before Nuke, all ATWT had was Jack and Carly's two lesbian daughters. I thought the guy taking over as Luke last year, Van Hansis, seemed pretty cute but bland and not that strong an actor. I thought the stuff they gave him was lame. I thought the guy playing Noah was really cute too but not a great thespian. And the episodes I've seen recently have had some howlers on the dialogue score, despite having heartfelt intent behind it. I absolutely winced at some of the lines between Luke and Noah last week with the now-infamous (and fucking hot) Snyder kitchen scenes. Until now I didn't think they'd actually go there with this. I'm still not convinced that they won't default to offscreen loving, or Noah choosing Maddie Coleman, or the guys disappearing from the canvas, or worst of all, one of them getting Bianca'd - raped and heterosexualized in the most bizarre way possible while a callous writer complains that it's for the good of "storyline potential." Just imagine all the layered, multigenerational stories you can tell with rape victim pregnant Luke that you can't tell with gay Luke - I mean Bianca! But you know, all those caveats mean nothing right now, and despite not caring for most of the stories on ATWT and hating the work of Jean Passanante, I applaud Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann and all the people involved in this, because ATWT did it and they got there first, and that means absolutely everything, if CBS allows it to.

I have always said, and still believe, that whoever breaks the forbidden glass ceiling of gay intimacy on daytime television is stepping into a goldmine if they so choose to. I do not believe in daytime management's relentless quixotic pursuit of a "youth demographic" beyond that youth demo which they already have had. I don't think the new people are out there, at least not the ones that haven't been watching since they were pretty young - that's when you get them, from within the family or from a friend or because they need to find a family and a world of their own on the tube. I think most of the ones you currently occasionally will catch with Brian Frons gimmicks or whatever do not stay because they have no brand loyalty. So I don't buy the demo quest. I do, however, believe in the power of Teh Gay. I've seen it. Who really writes slash fanfiction? Who Netflixes or buys the most amount of Queer As Folk boxsets? Who keeps Netflixing films like Velvet Goldmine? What is the demographic, and what is the gender? I think TPTB would be surprised. I know the rest of us aren't. That's what this is about.

The first soap to show kissing boys, and to stick with it, has a lock on a new block of viewership if they decide they want it. It's also one of the few new initiatives that can help save a flagging genre; it certainly can't do it on its own, but it's one part of a puzzle IMHO. You show the boys kissing - when I fanwanked it for OLTL, I chose Rex and C.J. Roberts (long rumored to have been planned as a gay character), but it could be anyone. You show boys kissing. You put it on Entertainment Tonight (as ATWT did) and Access Hollywood. You put it on the sides of buses like they used to do with Jax and Chloe and Sonny and Hannah on GH during Wendy Riche's ill-fated Bus Billboard Summer. You put it fifty feet high in Times Square. You put it everywhere and you make sure everyone can see. And then you go ahead with it. Like any love story, like Jason and Liz or Will and Gwen or Nick and Chelsea. You work up towards any full-on intimacy, such as a love scene, you find ways to ease the existing audience into that - keep certain aspects implied in the very first love scene, perhaps, but not enough to turn off the fans who came to play - and you make sure you promote that scene the same way you promoted the first kiss. And then you do the same thing with the next scene. And the next scene. And the next storyline. And so on and so forth.

I don't know that ATWT will get the boost from it that others could. Though I think most CBS soaps are head and shoulders above ABC's in terms of quality, it still skews old, as does ATWT, and a lot of younger viewers are drawn to ABC regardless of shitty product. But at least they didn't follow up their first award-winning gay storyline with a goddamn gay serial killer. I think they should try courting the fans. They have the momentum now; they are the first out the gate. Anyone who takes the baton and runs with it full-tilt has this all to themselves if they want it. Everyone else will be stuck as emulators.

I must add that I am still bitter to find out about Luke and Noah's current professions, and feel that ATWT has blatantly plagiarized my pathetic mental fanfic, in which C.J. was the harried writer, Rex the cost-cutting production executive, and they both ran a struggling Fraternity Row in a savage meta-commentary on daytime television. But I will get over it, ATWT. No lawsuit. No lawsuit. You guys have got it all over me; you dropped the tactical nuke.

For credit's sake, the screencap above is done by superherofan. And now, the clippage. See you tomorrow when we bury Asa.

GH: Night Shift - 1x04x05 - The Mime Who Raped Kelly

jase: I must not title my Night Shift entry "Flower Drum Vagina."
Darn: It's better than "Sucky Sucky Five Doctor"
jase: OH THAT'S GOOD.

It's The Mime Who Raped Sylvia on Little House on the Prairie! He's back for seconds and he wants Kelly! No, it's the Carver! The Showtime After Dark rape mime is clearly the cause of Kelly's rampant sex madness! Next I want someone to try to escape a hospital fire by using Stacy the HIV lady's baby as a battering ram on the window.

So this is a double entry for two, two, two mediocre episodes in one! And I am also sick and nauseous as I work these bitches, though I'm afraid I can't attribute that to NS. Let's see if I make it through without slitting my wrists. I join others for whom the honeymoon with General Hospital: Night Shift is now long...long over. It just plods along, without much happening of interest or lasting import - much like the Senate Judiciary Committee. Will they - oh my God - will they - will they bust someone? Will they call the Capitol police? Will they go for inherent contempt?! Oh, no...just another "strongly worded letter." Every now and again you get the sense that something might...might actually happen on NS that interests you, and the mix of characters and ideas appeals to you, and the setting should work, but they just...limp along and don't deliver. There's good ideas and sentiments that don't add up to anything because the foundation, the inspiration and production is almost wholly crap. The patients, I don't give a shit. Jason, no. Dr. Julian, no. Kelly's feverish rabid love tunnel, maybe. But that's about it. It's just a jumble of stuff thrown onscreen and no matter how cute I find Bradford Anderson, Spinelli is just more grating every week.


Take Stan's protest rally, for example. Very timely for NS to be pushing this story, in the wake of the recent release of Sicko. Health care issues, specifically universal health care, are on everybody's lips, and given the recurring characters of Sneed and Dr. Russell on GH it makes sense for them to go there. So of course we get "Keep The Change," in which the running undercurrent and theme is the issue of modern American health care. We see Stan picketing with the doctors and nurses, we see Patrick and Robin at odds with bottom-liners like Sneed and Russell over treatment, we see the moral lines blur for disciplinarian Epiphany. It's a noble idea to give this kind of social issue stuff major treatment within the confines of an hour daytime (quasi-daytime, anyway) drama. The problem is I can't think of people less qualified to write about this shit than Bob "Mobsters pwn 9/11 Firemen" Guza and Liz "Die Alexis Die Die Die A Gorilla Raped You & That's How You Got Kristina" Korte. It's just morally and intellectually dishonest for these motherfuckers to put on a big show of doing a running subplot about this shit when they don't give the hospital, the hospital-bound characters or any semblance of conventional human morality (which they theoretically are having Stan and Patrick espouse in this episode) any kind of fair airplay on mothership GH. Like, Stan fumes at his mother: "Or is happy another thing you didn't raise me to be?" And that's fair because yes, Epiphany is one serious cast-iron, joyless, hypocritical bitch. The problem is, Stan, you fucking work for the mob. Stan is happily part of a system that perpetuates crime and turmoil for the working class and for people just trying to make an honest dollar, and this is a fucking fact no matter what kind of bullshit Guza and Korte still peddle about Jason and Sonny and the organization on a daily basis (and I still remember Tammy and the other dock whores cooing about Sonny's manly protection keeping the streets clean). Stan's hands are as dirty and probably dirtier than the soulless corporate thinking that he is claiming to fight against, and he has no right to be the voice of the revolution on the show, nor does Guza have every right to put him there. Patrick and Robin, okay. Stan, fucking no. It reminds me of the classic Theo Huxtable Speech scene on The Cosby Show; Theo comes out with the big speech about why he can be a trucker or whatever and not go to college and Cliff should love him anyway, and the audience applauds because there is certainly some truth in that, until you reach the larger intellectual fallacy of his position and his approach to things, at which point, Cliff responds with, "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" And that's where I'm at with Stan: He is right, but he is also so fucking wrong. And fucking hacks who glorify the mob five days a week and compare them to first-responders have no right to tell me anything about American health care, no matter how much I may agree with the concepts they are trying to put up there onscreen. You want to talk about ZOMG SOSHL ISHOOZ, Bob? Try making someone pay for the deaths of Alan and Lorenzo Alcazar. I used to own a copy of Prom Night, you fucked-up mash-up of Truman Capote and Blade. I know your work.

"...We were in this bar in Saigon and this kid comes up, this kid carrying a shoe-shine box. And he says 'Shine, please, shine!' I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said 'Yeah.' And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just...like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! Nobody would help! He's saying, sayin' 'I wanna go home! I wanna go home!' He keeps calling my name! 'I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!' I said 'Why? I can't find your fuckin' legs! I can't find your legs!'"

Why is this motherfucker back?! He threatened her! He mugged her in the parking lot! Now he threatens her with a goddamn buck knife! What is it going to take for this psycho to get his ass kicked? What is it going to take for this shit to stop? And of course his authoritarian dogmatic homoerotic bullshit from the Corps is what breaks through to Lainey's demented dad, because Sergeant Chris Benoit here is the goddamn fucking Alzheimer's Whisperer. And because Lainey, poor uptight Lainey, is just too "by the book" and prim and proper to "loosen up" and really communicate with Penishead. Why does almost every single woman on a Bob Guza show have to be like this?! Any strong woman is always "uptight." "Bitchy." "Out of touch with her emotions." "Unable to just let go." And so the forceful men can always put the little women playing men's games in their proper place - on their backs, getting shafted - and it's just the same story over. and over. AND OVER. Even when the man is obviously a psycho, like fucking Cody. Come on. We can't seriously be asked to buy this guy as a big softy deep down. We just can't. Stop it. Stop it. BTW, it bears mentioning for anyone lost that the monologue below the pic is from First Blood.


"My doctors tell me I may never bowl competitively again." Ha! Sneed is largely a two-dimensional caricature but that was a great line and the actress is great. The question now is, who is the Medcam spy: Her, Russell, or Leyla? Leyla has already been shown to be too obvious, but maybe that's the whole point. I am frankly voting Sneed herself at this point, the one who protests the most about Medcam. Gotta show another "uptight professional woman" her place! I do find this whole HMO feud/mystery a compelling story concept. The problem, again, is the characters are either shitty or shittily-written.

Bob Guza: Wry Mark Twain-esque humorist.

There's all sorts of other random bullshit in these two episodes, and that includes this fucking clown. Which, BTW, NOT NECESSARY. I see Night Shift has learned the invaluable lesson of almost every modern medical soap on television today, and that is: Always make sure every single patient in the hospital has an incredibly embarrassing sexual, behavioral or personal hygiene problem that will lead to constant broad sophomoric comedy. The nebbish "sleepwalking" horndog. The lady demanding a tit check. The clown with the brain tumor that makes him go HAHAHAHA! Etc. Just lay the "comedy" on thick with a trowel, that's fine. No need for nuance - go broad and "naughty" on everything. The "serious" stories are pretty fucking lacking too. Take the non-story of the coma teen whose father, played by a man who is clearly not Nicholas Coster despite a fine attempt, has a strained relationship with his rebellious son. As we already knew from previous weeks, this teen has brain damage and may awaken with his personality irreversibly altered. ZOMG IT MIRRORS JASON'S LIFE! And of course, with no preamble, the teen awakens just fine and bada-bing, totally different. And the dad is happy. And that's it. That's all. You know, it's been a long time but I am pretty sure the original Jason Morgan story had a lot fucking more to it than that. But never spend time on what you can just stick a neon sign on and then speed down the assembly line, that's Guza's motto and that's what they did with that non-story of Coma Teen, who I am pretty sure was recast from the last time we saw him with a totally different-looking guy. Then there's Leyla and her Iranian heritage - again, speed it down the line, just another beat so NS can say it ticked a storytelling box; it's just there so Leyla can make doe eyes at Patrick and then provide two seconds of angst for Patrick. No need to actually develop Leyla's character or any other when these helpful bullet points (Iranian; ostracized; accent) can compose a character for you!

Also, Toussaint and the Saints. Ha ha. Here I was seriously expecting Toussaint to have turned out to have been some old-school black businessman and fallen power magnate. But no - just a goddamn singer. And clearly there is some old relationship with Epiphany, because no two middle-aged black characters on any show can exist separately from each other. I half-expect them to throw Dr. Russell into the mix. Just a waste of people's talent, and of what could've been much more compelling possibilities for Lando Calrissian. For fuck's sake, people: He was administrator of this facility!


Poor Lindze Letherman. Allegedly having to go to the producers crying and asking what she did wrong to not have story. She is such a good little actress and they threw her under the bus just like they do every promising young actor they chew up and burn through and then get distracted from by the latest hot thing, who they will then promptly chew up and toss as well. She deserves better. I do kind of like her with Spinelli, even if he is a fucking idiot who should just get down on his knees and service Jason already, and...uh...let's move on from this topic. Lindze Letherman, if I had any money, I mean any, at all, in this universe, I would buy you a cupcake. I would. Because you deserve several. Even if not being the girl who gets it doggy-style while lying in a tub full of infected needles on top of the corpse of a diseased homeless person makes you "boring." Maybe you could send me money, and then I could buy you several cupcakes, of differing flavors.

Rough shit people. Sometimes I hate my (non-paying) job. Can you wait for another gripping episode of Night Shift in which wacky humiliating diseases make for wild hilarity and uppity professional women are made to "lighten up" through a pervasive, unrelenting atmosphere of juvenile sexuality? I know I fucking can't!

Lamest goddamn dancing I ever seen.

WILL SUCK DICK FOR COMMENTS

We all knew the offer was coming, let's face it. I try to "alert" people on the, how you say, "mailing list," but I think I always do it wrong. I'm no good with that shit. All thumbs. Like the neanderthal! Did he not have thumbs?

So anyway, I am wrung out and tired from some work this past week, and I did not have time to blog the last Night Shift yet, and I am too exhausted to do it right now. SOOOO'S, there will be a double entry of both last week's and tomorrow's episodes coming shortly. Meanwhile, Darn and I hope to start blogging OLTL again because of the upcoming anniversary week featuring OMFG ITS NATHAN FILLION. That is all. Resume ya bidness.

GH: Night Shift - 1x03 - Jake Dooks Platinum Bitches

HORK!! HORK!! Get on the good foot! UNNH!!

Finally, the first appearance of phantom cast member, Andy the Mildly Hot Anesthesiologist. Not as hot as his picture, but that's okay. Andy plays Sandman to the night shift staff by giving them happy zzz gas in between surgeries. Whatever. Does everyone have to be at least vaguely incompetent? This shit is verging on, like, Torchwood.

This week on Night Shift, we also got a delightful guest appearance from Jake Spencer (Morgan), otherwise known as Christchild 3000. And he really is an adorable baby. But - wait. Wait.

WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE.


They slipped that baby Rogaine! This baby just grew a whole head of fucking hair between scenes! Don't give me some bullshit, "oh, they combed over his hair," no no, I went back and looked at his first scene, that baby DID NOT have that much hair. I mean, he's absolutely darling but it's just ridiculous. I love his expression in the with-hair picture. "Yeah, I dumped, what? What you gon' do? This is life happening right here. It's real! I'm raw, I'm the future, Poppa, I make hits! I make hits!"

Epiphany did get off one great line about the GSW surgery: "Multiple gunshot wounds...(looks at Jason)...well, at least we know who isn't involved." Haha, score. And can the plot with Patrick and Toussaint's mystery whistling please stop? We all know it's Toussaint. It's clearly him. It's old. I don't care.

Penishead: Confessions of a Video Vixen

On the brighter side, NS appeared to understand how to portray Cody, or as I call him, "Corporal Apeshit Surprise" this week, realizing he is a psychotic lunatic. No more Meet Cute bullshit. Of course, as soon as I heard Lainey mention "a full exam" I knew they had to sneak in one more obnoxious double entendre. Now watch me be proven wrong and the whole knife business in the preview for this week turn out to be just part of Lainey's kinky blood play fetish. Sorry.


Look at his little face. So gangsta. "Whatchu want, bitch? Whatchu want? I'm money, bitch, I'm money! I dook gold, bitch, I dook platinum! My diaper jingle-jangles when I walk! This show is mine in ten years, mines, I am alpha and omega! What, chuwanna have a baby? Pssh! I'ma A.J. his ass. I'm a businessman! In my hydroplane I'm goooone! Don't touch Teddy."

Yet another of Kelly's hidden talents.

I thought the portrayal of Kelly Lee had reached new lows after hearing she managed to fuck Jerry Jacks on mothership GH and then seeing this latest episode, in which even Dr. Dirty Sanchez is scared of her junk, until I saw the final scene with her in the shower. Now I am wondering if there is actually a method to this big-toothed madness, beyond Kelly just being "chee chee chee chee chee! Yay SEX0Rszz!11!!1" all the time. If Dr. Kelly is in fact some kind of sex addict, that is actually fairly compelling and a nice explanation for her insane promiscuity. Therefore, I trust Guza/Korte/etc. to completely maul what should be a very sensitive storyline geared towards women. The other problem with it is that I am almost convinced that the actress playing Kelly is in fact an anthromorphized velociraptor, and that her gigantic Botox dinosaur grin could not handle the acting required.



And so dies Mrs. Storch and her fucking broccoli jokes. About time, I'm afraid. I am almost positive the saboteur is in fact a "Medcam" saboteur and that that saboteur is evil-ass Leyla. Any takers? Yeah, thought so. A vaguely compelling story, all things considered. It beats the weekly drudgery of that lame thing with the kid with cerebral edema (a.k.a. Jason Disease). I would like to think we won't see that boy again but I know how long it took to get rid of Storch, much less Cody, who ain't gone yet. Lame story. Anyway, bring on a more interesting episode. Nothing has matched the premiere, and the socially conscious stuff with Toussaint and Stan really needs work still.


"Chu know where I got all this hair from, player? I ripped it out of Lindze Letherman's scalp! She don't need it, does Georgie got a story? Wake me up when September ends, Georgie! Holla! You fuckers are all Demo Track Future, but I am Extended Thunderpuss Dance Mix Future! You got a problem, Mahaghony? You got a problem, cause I heard the news today, old boy: I am the Young Americans! All of them, they're mes! Mes!! Make way for the king! No, don't touch me, bitch, I don't want your milk. I only drink unicorn milk from diamond-encrusted cups. My other baby carriage is made from gun metal."

Y&R - Boywhat?

So jase got this comment on one of his entries:

Please spread the word on the Y&R botcott that is happening on the week of August 20th.

Here are the official details:

GET THE WORD OUT- THERE WILL BE A WEEK-LONG BOYCOTT OF "THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS BEGINNING AUGUST 20TH
TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO WATCHES Y&R TO WATCH General Hospital that week.
It's not enough that we not watch YR that week. We, must endorse another soap in order to overtake YR that week in the ratings. GH is the easiest, non-CBS soap to accomplish this task because it's the highest rated show on ABC.
It's only one week that could send a powerful message to LML and TPTB at CBS Daytime.

I'm sorry, but jigga what? I haven't watched Y&R in months, true, but have you seen GH? I appreciate the sentiment, for realz yo but again, have you SEEN GH? It's like trading in botulism for leprosy, it's all bad.

I don't mean to be an ass, I'm all for knocking some sense into those people but really, watching GH is not gonna help anybody but GH. Caterwauling banshee Carly, whorey Liz (you're more worried over that punkass bitch Jason than your own husband? Ugh, shut up.) and Sonny and that lady dropped in from some sad second-rate romcom (even though the actress is well-talented, the whole story is trite and treated indifferently, much like Sonny! Perfection!)? No, thanks, mofo.

While I appreciate the sentiment and goal I can't support the boycott. I think simply not watching the show would help things a bit more.

GH: Night Shift - 1x02 - MAKING IT RACIAL

Episode 2 of Night Shift was evidently brought to you by the National Association Of Unbelievably Simplistic Civil Rights Commentary on Gunshy Daytime Television. This (past) week, Toussaint carefully kneads his mop and reminisces about the Good Old Days, mean old Dr. Ford blames Nurse Regina for singlehandedly destroying all the progress made by "the race" (I swear) in the last fifty or so years because of a clerical error, and then Stan and Epiphany have kind of a dime store Raisin in the Sun moment. Very lame. WILLIEEEEE!!!

FWAP FWAP FWAP

No, no, Jason, that's not how you mop. Let Lando show you. It's okay. Let...let him show you. Treat the mop like a, uh, a lady, or your, uh...gender non-specific equivalent. Your boss, that's fine too. Let Lando show you how to lovingly ply your mop. Caress it. Sway with it. Yeah, all right, enough. Stop it, Billy Dee.

Guh?

It Had To Happen: Maxie has Ass Cancer. Are you really surprised? Are any of us? Only that it was done on a soap, perhaps, but as we are constantly being reminded by the various little outre bits like this on NS, this is cable bitches! Cable watch us go! Now, was it necessary for me to learn all the intricacies of Maxie's gross staph infection, I think no. The question is how long I'm expected to go along with Maxie's merry, disease-ridden whoredom. I will say this for her and Kirsten Storms, again; a lot of the comic dialogue with her and Sneed and later Epiphany about it is actually, well, comic, and KS actually does well with it. Frankly, if Maxie could segue into being a more concretely comic character a la Lucy Coe or her mother, with less raunchy sex, it'd be the best thing for her right now. Otherwise, the constant plot loop of "I have crazy and medically unsafe adventures with sex and drugs/oops I have a paper heart, 'm sorry BJ!" is getting old.


And now, back to ye olde thesis statement: Dr. Ford has to MAKE IT RACIAL. Regina and her clerical errors of supposed racial inequality. "Fifty years ago, no, even twenty years ago...!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, people, break it up. I can't decide how to feel about this shit, honestly, and feel a little uncomfortable addressing it as a LILY WHITE COMMENTATOR. This is really an entry for Darn but he doesn't want to blog the show. Now, it's one thing for the writers behind NS to acknowledge openly within the narrative the fact that all the characters talking about this stuff in the episode - competency, labor rights, etc. - are black and interacting together. That does take some guts, because on most soaps today (excepting the Victoria Rowell years) , you still won't see minority characters acknowledging shared heritage or cross-cultural concerns in any real way, mostly because I think much of daytime still is afraid of scaring old ladies in Peoria. That's also part of why you still don't see many black man/white woman pairings on soaps, because of that disgusting old racist trope (except for John and Evangeline, they were just gross) . I think you generally don't see a minority character on daytime aggressively addressing social concerns because TPTB are afraid of showing that minority character as being "political" or "angry" and therefore somehow "frightening" to white suburban viewers. RJ on OLTL has dreadlocks and angrily berates the police, therefore, RJ is perpetually "shady" and "dangerous" and kept off-sides, giving brilliant thespian Tim Stickney nothing to do. And therefore, you know, Brian and Claudia just hang out at the disco, or Derek Frye and Hank Gannon just stand around saying things like "Be careful, Tad" or "How are you holding up, Bo?" I dunno, Hank, maybe he's holding up the same way he was when you started asking him that question ten years ago.

So yeah, it's one thing for these characters' potential shared concerns to be acknowledged. I think that takes some courage, and I applaud Michele ValJean if she is responsible for the ratio of black characters on NS. My problem with what was done in Episode 2 is in the execution. My problem is when daytime does what it often does, just skates over the concepts in the most fly-by-night, sanitized, one-size-fits-all way, and that's what I felt NS did. Dr. Ford, Regina, Epiphany, Stan, and Toussaint are all black, therefore NS says they all must share the same or similar concerns and are dominated by thinking about them throughout the episode. And when they do talk about this stuff, they're relating it back to simply the civil rights struggle and the generational gap and then they mouth platitudes in the most two-dimensional way. That's when I think you've got a problem. You can't start to deal in a decidedly un-daytime, unvarnished idea and then shine it up and make it as PC, soap-glossy and simplistic as possible and then call it a "message show" and pat yourself on the back. I acknowledge that this is an hour show on SoapNet and you've got about forty-five to fifty minutes and numerous other storylines, but what exactly did we take from this stuff? Dr. Ford is a meanie and Epiphany is bossy and Regina and Stan are the fyoocha? It was like lazy cliff notes "message" stuff, like an episode of Growing Pains; Dr. Ford is shown as a gruff taskmaster looking back on history, but the show tells us that is all that he is, being unreasonably mean to Regina, without bothering to show us another facet to his character or elucidate on his personal experience. Toussaint dismisses him as just "a jackass" while pumping fists with Stan, who, given an activist's voice and shown positively, gets his mob connections glossed over just like Spinelli's, and Epiphany is shown as unreasonable as usual, just an "overprotective mother" (and I hate Epiphany, but also hate Stan - but I love Kiko Ellsworth) . The characters are filed into A or B-types with a little lip service to the civil rights struggle and no further dialogue or depth. That's not taking a real risk to me, and that's why I roll my eyes at NS trying to Make It Racial. They wanted to try to jolt people by dealing with almost all the black characters (except Lainey, and oh lord that is another story) and maybe get a pat on the back from the press, but they didn't want to have to do anything actually substantive or consequential. It's like the director in Soapdish on the show's new "soup kitchen in the Bahamas" storyline, full of hot model types as the "homeless" -- "we're making a statement here, people; let's not underline the statement, let's just make it!" And that's what daytime still does to this day. And that's my problem with this stuff. SHIELDS UP.

...Attica?

Now watch them spend all of Episode 3 on a careful, reasoned dissection of these characters. I would laugh my ass off and eat so much crow. I will say that I like the use of another hospital strike storyline a la Port Charles and Kiko Ellsworth is still a fine actor and a fine man. I am beginning to wonder if there is a mole on-staff for the nefarious "Medcam" (or whatever) that Dr. Ford talks about, who changed Regina's entry on the bypass surgery, and if that mole could in fact be mean old Dr. Ford, the least obvious suspect. That would be very Guza.

Another STFU Epiphany moment: Epiphany throws shade on Nurse Jolene about Jason; "that man there is way out of your league." O SRY PIFFNY I DIDN NO THE BLOODTHIRSTY HITMAN WUZ 2 GUD 4 ME!!

First date etiquette lesson from Jase: NO CARJACKING, ASSAULT OR POTENTIAL RAPE.

NOT NECESSARY.

...They come together in an emotional moment, collide, and come out with a mutual human understanding, and then there are no gay people! It's just like Crash! Seriously, what the fuck was that?! Corporal Emo wants his drugs, or maybe he wants Lainey to understand his pain and go on a date with him, so he ATTACKS HER IN THE PARKING LOT. Smooth. And this being a Bob Guza show, it's all about Sgt. Macho putting his boot to the neck of the woman who's been "putting on airs." "I was making a point," Cpl. Emo tells Lainey, about his helplessness due to Gulf War Syndrome or whatever (he's a Iraq vet) . That's great. Why did Lainey not also "make a point" by taking an aluminum bat to his crotch? The man goddamn fucking mugged her in the fucking goddamn parking lot and now he wants her to take him on as a patient and go out with him. Jesus H. fucking Christ. What the fuckity fuck. I can't even, okay, nevermind. Nevermind.

I will give Dr. 21 Jump Street some props this week in his bit with Maxie, despite still being absolutely Christing ugly. "How good are you?" "The best. At what?" Hee.


There is actually no reason for my putting up this shot of Spinelli's spread legs. Um, I apologize. To humanity.

Slow episode, slow week, lame recap. Next plz.

GH: Night Shift - 1x01 - Marvin, He Was A Friend Of Mine

The HOT SEXY CAST of the new General Hospital spinoff "Night Shift."

Let's get this out of the way first: OH MY GOD IT IS A SHITTY CHICK ROCK COVER OF "NIGHT SHIFT." What the fuck, guys. What the fuck. Okay, moving along to the show...

...I actually really enjoyed it. It was not the height of great soap opera. Like, at all. It was not Claire Labine, it was not Harding Lemay, it was probably not even Brown & Esenstein at their best, and I really hate them. But you know what? It was fine. It showed the hospital. It was all about the people in the hospital. People worked in the hospital and talked about the hospital. You know, like they don't do on General fucking Hospital. And it looks real, unlike GL's Benihana Memorial Hospital with the paper walls and the complimentary California roll with every surgical procedure. We even got exterior stuff and the great cheesy CGI. There's a lot of problems and flaws, the deification of Jason continues, some annoying characters, but it's just started, and you know, it's just not that bad. It's fun. One of the best things about it is making Robin (and Patrick) the emotional center, the core and the heroine. I think that should be her rightful place on GH, as a doctor, alongside people like Steve and Audrey and so on. She should be the show's conscience for the future. Kim McCullough is the best. Kim, if you're out there, we love you, honey. Nothing was the same without you, and you are slowly but surely, almost single-handedly saving General Hospital. You are my homey for life, Robin Scorpio! Ride or die. To where, I have no idea.

I guess I should also stop and take a moment to explain my quiet shame. My "secret pain," if you will. I feel it's important I share this with you all - all six of you - so you might then be able to make an informed choice on whether to continue reading my blog entries or instead, retch in disgust and flee for the hills. You see, it's like this:


I HAVE A MASSIVE CRUSH ON BRADFORD ANDERSON.

There. I know. I know, okay?! God! I am not proud of it. It's a disease, I understand that, and-and -- I know I have to make a choice to get help. But I'm...I'm not there yet. Okay? I'm just not. I'm not emotionally prepared. I am sorry, guys. I think Bradford Anderson is fucking adorable and would jump him in a second - and yet, it is horrible because no, I cannot stand the character of fuckin' Spinelli and I think his dialogue is just completely idiotic. They are really straining to invent their own unique lingo for Spinelli, and it comes off incredibly forced, these middle-aged men and women struggling to sound hip and young. Newsflash: if you have to try that hard, it's never going to work, and it's not worth it. But regardless, I think Bradford Anderson is clearly an excellent, expressive actor doing his best with the shucking and jiving caricature he is given. So let Spinelli be a bit more socialized. Let him stop talking like an autistic retard; how many times can he say "the minions of...?" "The Innocent One?" That's just desperate. "The Blonde One?" Jesus God that was stupid. It doesn't help that he's drank the mob Kool-Aid, either. Yeah, that's what we needed, another character who loves and worships the mob crew. Why can't Jason's understanding of Spinelli and his unassuming life with his grandma, along with his need for Liz and his child, be what starts to pull Jason back out of the braindead sanctimonious Gummi Bear Mob lifestyle and back towards something resembling humanity? Not that I can tolerate Jason or Steve Burton remaining on GH, because I can't, but still. Still. Meet me halfway. Because I am in love with Bradford Anderson. And frankly he's done so much theater that I...like to think I could have a shot.

...Um, gentrification.

I love the crazy dime-store CGI employed to show us the real city of Port Charles for the first time in many years (unless you count the Towering Whoreferno of 2004 in which it looked like some plastic buildings were belching orange juice) , with everything way too big and glittery. It looks like Coruscant, the Imperial City from Star Wars. Only the finest home editing studio in WeHo for this CGI! No, seriously, it's cute, I liked it. It just could've done with a few X-Wings flitting around the skyline.

Not a system. A man.

Toussaint the janitor: Administrator of your butt-ass naked facility, all up in his bed. A man who could sleep with anything or anyone in that damn hospital. Oh, Lando, take me now. I am just happy to see Billy Dee Williams staying off the streets, okay? I will watch him do anything, Lando was always one of my favorites. Lando never got enough respect. Motherfucker blew up the Death Star! Respect. I cannot wait to hear about Lando's "mysterious past." It is sure to be lame but I am excited. No doubt he was once a rich man with wealth and power, perhaps running a city in the clouds...full of IKEA furniture.

Lando lovingly fingers the elevator button. "Works every time!"


And now to the rest of our strictly basic cable ensemble, and the new kids. "Dr. Leo Julian" is a porn name, and this dude is gross. He looks like a 50%-off Elias Koteas from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or an uglier Rembrandt from The Warriors. Eww. "You want me to see patients, Epiphany? WHUT? Don't you know I'm loco?!" Shutty. At least the new anesthesiologist, who we have yet to see onscreen, looks cute over on the official site. And there's always Kiko Ellsworth, but I'm afraid I can't take him seriously anymore. I find it both hilarious and sad that Kiko is right back on another soap of the exact same show, playing a thrice-recast role of the token black dude on GH, and of course they will try to put him and Kent King over in the "black corner." Ain't right. Like Lainey would have anything to do with Stan. Lainey is not the sharpest knife, but no way, especially not after the death of InJustus. Also hilarious: these two were both already paired up together on that other General Hospital spinoff. Except Lainey was a werewolf and he was a vampire! Retarded.

I know the dolls over at Serial Drama weren't too thrilled with the Weird Sisters Three, but I thought the nurses were okay except for Leyla. The "green young student" crap was overplayed but Regina reminded me so much of Myra from Family Matters, and frankly this show needs a predominantly independent new cast to survive IMHO. The more doctor/nurse characters the better. Leyla can die by fire, though. That would be fine. I noticed Kale Browne, or as I have come to call him, "DJ Welfare," was back doing the now-omnipresent and constant voice-over for the PA system. Jill Farren Phelps will not let Kale go wanting for rent money. We never heard so much radio, offscreen television and PA messages on a soap until Kale Browne got fired from OLTL. "Paging Dr. So-&-So...calling Nurse Such-&-Some Shit...I will do this for as long as it takes to pay my child support, people. You don't know what it's like out there, I could be doing industrial films. Infomercials for stool softeners. It's not okay, I used to be someone. Kassie dePaiva was all over me in our story. I'm going to end up starring in The Larry King Story on the Hallmark channel with a fake nose. Paging Dr. Drake..."

Hey, look, it's Allie Doyle! Someone finally found work! Wouldn't it be hilarious if she really was Crazy Allie incognito? I'd laugh. Just like if that mean old doctor was Dr. Grant from AMC on the '70s. Don't laugh at her, Ricky Paull Goldin, it could be you!

It's like looking into the surface of the sun.

URGENT NEWS UPDATE: MAXIE IS STILL A WHORE. I know, you're shocked. No, I'm still not over it, clearly. I will admit that Kirsten Storms is a bit more tolerable with some bitchier, witter dialogue, but Maxie as a character is just never going to fully recover from these years. And her boyfriend Coop is very hot, if dumb, useless and doomed a la Officer Jesse. At least this boyfriend appears old enough to shave. I'm still really annoyed that they want me to buy him as a cop when he was a terrorist at the Metro Court mere months ago. Coop at least has the good sense to know to cover up Maxie's monchichi, lest it cause the universe to fold in upon itself and sucks it inside her like a black hole, causing another Crisis On Infinite Earths. Good looking out, Coop.

Drugged + Hysterical % In Bed = Vanessa Marcil

As for the obvious question, who is BARRETT? Is it the Brender? I really doubt it, personally. Despite the rumors, I still refuse to believe even Typical Fucking GH is stupid enough to recast Brenda; I may have always hated her and VM, but I recognize her one of a kind persona and how closely, inextricably tied it is to Brenda; in many ways, IMHO, Vanessa is Brenda and Brenda is Vanessa. Someone had to put together the (scientifically impossible, so I hear) nitrous explosion on the ambulance. I think it's more likely that that same someone wants Jason and co. to believe BARRETT is Brenda to lure them in, or that Patient X is a relative of Useless Coop. I guess we'll see. But recasting Brenda would not give this show an auspicious start, especially if NuBrenda then immediately migrates to the mothership GH. ABC needs to not be pushing its luck with these major recasts. They got extremely lucky, one shot in a million with the Greenlee recast IMHO; Brenda is much bigger and that much harder.

Don't...don't toy with me, Bradford.


So that's it! Thank God I got this done before Episode 2. I'll see you guys there. I honestly like the show. Yes, it's got lots of flaws (all the mob apologists, right down to fuckin' Epiphany the stereotype) , no, it's no great shakes, but it's a decent enough start given the mob-infested, misogynistic show it comes from. It shows us stuff like Robin and Patrick together, working, in the hospital, and everything is coming out alright. I like it, I'm for it, and I'm sticking with it as long as my non-SoapNet self can access the episodes. Hooray. And look at that sunrise!

All screencaps courtesy of "Clarissa" at nopeekiepeekie until further notice. One more for the road: the real "Night Shift..."



Forgot about J.

GL Wrapup - In Which Coop Talks To His Erection

MEANWHILE, BACK AT HEADQUARTERS

"Hark, brother! I sense peril!"

"Yours is but a flight of fancy, Richard! I sense nothing!"

"Nay, Peter! A strangeness comes over us...just as in all the times of legend past!"

"I...I feel it too, Richard! A steel that makes us hot from within! The burning time has returned! We must secure the village! The women and children!"

"Once again young Henry attempts to shield us from sight! Quickly, Peter! We must quell the storm, prevent his shaming before the buxom wench!"

"We could no sooner part the tides or turn back the sun, Richard. We are but fleshy toys to this infernal force of nature. Why, the last time Henry's nature came upon like this, it was in that night of wild inebriated abandon with that strapping young moor!"

"Hold fast, brother! Henry flees for the privacies! We can yet survive this madness! Strength and honor, Peter!"

"Strength and honor, Richard!"

...And so, we reach the end of this long experiment. So I'm so fucking late on my last GL entry, that I decided to make up for it by doing both the Fourth of July episode, which was actually fairly important, and then covering all of last week. What better time for a recap of last week than the following Wednesday, right?...ahaha. ahem And you know, it's been good. Not so much a really good show, but good fun. By my reckoning, GL today has definite peaks and valleys. The show is holding on by its fingernails but won that head writing Emmy, which it didn't really deserve, but which I can live with it having by virtue of all the other soaps which outright suck on ABC, and by virtue of the fact that it seems like the folks at GL put their heart and soul and blood, sweat, and tears into...an incredibly miniscule-budgeted, often mediocre show. But even when it's mediocre, the actors are great, and the dialogue is pretty well-covered. And when it's not mediocre or drowning good material in a series of other flaws, it's actually pretty decent. And I'm hooked in by a few storylines in particular, so I think I may be back - and following it surreptitiously at CBS.com, certainly, since for all I know it comes on at like 5 AM here.

Hay u guiz iz mee Lillyun! ! Still on showz!!1 I lik killd Moreen lols glug glug loveme

There's really only place to start on this big mammoth fucker of a recap: Bananas cucharacha insane Beth Raines and her bugfuck crazy fucking mother. Beth, still led around loins-first by her abusive daddy figure fetish, goes into the Fourth of July ready to sell out Rick to Alan. Making him touch her belly, reminiscing about the old times back when Phillip was, you know, more or less sane and when Beth threw Rick over to fuck Phillip, Lujack, a wall, stuff like that. "MISTAKES HAVE BEEN MADE!! I know my ex-husband killed Cassie's daughter, but it's the Bauer barbecue! Be the godmother, Cassie! Be the godmother it's a barbecue! Oh, look, the baby kicked! The baby kicked, feel, Rick, feel! Feel my stomach, feel it undulate! This past year is the closest you've gotten since you were sixteen, I know, yes, I know! Every other psychopath in town since except you, yes, yes, good times, Rick, good times it's a barbecue! Would an unfit mother let you do that? My kids have all turned out so great! Could you m-m-maybe hit me, I mean, nevermind, hahaha whatamIsaying, anyway, the Bauer barbecue! Hooray everyone!" And oh Christ, Lillian. Fucking Lillian fucking Raines. I know, I know, honor and respect the vets, I agree. And Tina Sloan's a fine actress. But you know and I know there's always at least one vet on the show that's the turd in the punch bowl. For me that vet is Lillian. Crazy-ass Lillian, as crazy as her daughter, and still the biggest enabler in the world. What can you say about a woman that, all these fucking years later, still adds this priceless disclaimer to her reminiscence of Beth and Rick's adolescence: "Oh, no, it couldn't have been that year because that was the year Bradley was So Awful." And by Bradley, she means Beth's stepfather, and by "So Awful," she means "He Beat & Raped Her & I Did Jack Shit," if I remember correctly. All these years later, Lillian still calls it "Bradley being So Awful." Nice. Go polish the china and lust after other women's husbands some more, Lillian. I did notice that, terrifyingly, Buzz appears to be getting saddled with Lillian next. All I can say is oh how the mighty have fucking fallen. From Jean Carol and my homegirl Fiona Hutchison, from Mo Garrett and Crystal Chappell, all the way down to the ladder to Lillian. Run, Buzz, run!

I understand that GL got bills, okay, but it is really pathetic that the Bauer barbecue is now being held in the middle of fucking Main Street. Isn't it bad enough that everything else happens on that one tacky rundown disco set they call a street, or in the hotel? Can't you spring for a fucking backyard again? It's the goddamn Bauer barbecue. God. And then there's this little continuity liberty:

Whafu?

I realize this is not quite as bad as the old days when, say, Ellen Stewart's baby on ATWT would come back a few weeks later played by, like, fucking Sean Donely from GH. (Irna Phillips was crazy.) But for God's sake. Rick and Mel had a baby like four years ago. I'm not saying this pretty girl playing Leah is a bad actress, but she is sixteen if she's a day. Come on now. Don't fuck with me on this. Yeah, yeah, I know - GL Got Bills - but just because you guys are constantly on the precipice of cancellation, doing crazy shit like weekly special episodes, dumping almost all your sets, and working as scab building laborers for extra cash, doesn't mean you should dump all pretense of even soap opera realism. Even OLTL, which aged Duke Buchanan horribly, would look at this Leah SORAS and be like, "Whoa. Watch it."

INTERLUDE:


CAN YOU NAME THIS CHILD? WHICH OF HARLEY'S EIGHT THOUSAND CHILDREN IS THIS? HOW ABOUT BETH, IS IT ONE OF BETH'S FIFTEEN HUNDRED WOMBSQUATS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? I SURE AS SHIT DO NOT! LOOK AT HARLEY'S FACE! EVEN SHE DOES NOT KNOW! THAT IS WHY SHE IS NOT LOOKING AT THE KID! NAME THIS CHILD, EXPLAIN WHERE THE OTHER ONES ARE, NAME THEM TOO, AND WIN A CLASSIC NO-PRIZE!

I apologize for "wombsquats."


For serious. PSSSH!

Meanwhile, Rafe continues being a Bert with his unibrow, dicking around with everyone for weeks at a time. Stealing Harley's money. "Yeah I took yo money, so what?! Whaz yo problem?! PSSSH! I'mouttahere." That's how all his scenes with adults fucking end! "PSSSH! I'mouttahere. klomp klomp klomp." Why the fuck do they keep letting him act like that? He is just such a nasty little bastard all the time and even Gus runs around like, 'let me wipe your nose and drain your fuzzy balls, you fucking sixteen year old teenage punk.' Little bastard looks like Flattop from the old Dick Tracy strip. He treats Harley like cow dung and Gus just takes it. Fuck you and your "street" sideways cap, Rafe. So after they're caught out by Harley on the Fourth, Rafe and Daisy communicate on their laptops through some insane Internet interface which looks for all the world like the Korean Internet to me, cause it sure don't resemble any browser I know - or Hong Kong, or Japan, or whatever, it's very Asian pop; anyway - and we're still being asked to believe SuDaisy has yet to finish high school, and then they run away like damn fools. Run away to...a relative's house. Hardcore, kids. Hey, do Daisy and Beth even remember being family? Amusingly, later in the week, Alan rewards Rafe's mere existence with...a laptop. Ignoring the fact that Rafe already had a laptop two days ago. Come on, Guiding Light! Stop fucking with me like this! I know you can't afford a continuity consultant anymore but for God's sake! Two days ago! Meanwhile, every single episode featuring SuDaisy and Rafe's Romeo + Juliet hijinks and their parents ends on an incredibly inappropriate youth pop song with Gus and Natalia standing together on one side, and Harley and Dylan on the other and OMG TEH SYMBOLIZZZMMM I got it the first eight times, thanks, guys.

And then there's Josh. Or as I call him today, "Father Poon Ninja." Josh has had more ass than all the proctologists in America and now he wants to be a minister, but let's put aside the most obvious problems with this storyline for a moment. It's the little things that grate. Josh drinking at the barbecue and then again with Olivia at Company, making his boner joust with Reva's, uh...vestigial pouch later on, etc etc. Acting all divine and sanguine and non-judgemental like he has not fucked almost everything inside the state line and occasionally, cloned things and then fucked their clones. Things like that. "Hey, Cassie, I just got some weird looks for getting a beer over there, is that okay? Like, I also kind of humped that girl over there roasting the hot dogs, is that, is that like, okay? I mean, I don't - I just don't know like what kind of unfair, unrealistic expectations people have for me as a minister! Um, I bent that kid from the high school ball team over a picnic table, is that a problem, do you think? God I'm sweating! Whoo! Are you hot, baby? Stupid question, haha." I'm not saying Robert Newman is not a fine actor or an attractive man, he's still a hot daddy. It's just, Josh Lewis is the high school softball dad whose cell ringtone is "Promiscuous Girl." Josh Lewis is that desperate, silverback daddy sweating it out and still going on the dance floor when the lights come up at Rage at 6 AM, still trying to dance and get some.

But of course Reverend McLotsO'Gash's faults are bigger than simply the flightpath of his johnson. No, it's about more high-minded moral matters too. Josh has discovered that Cassie, in vengeance against Alan for Tammy, has altered Beth's paternity test to show Rick as the father. What is his reaction? "I think you made a choice," Josh says stoically. "It's not up to me to decide whether it's right or wrong." Well isn't that conveeeeenient, Father O'Bukkake, except guess what: You sleep with her. Personally, I don't judge Cassie too harshly and think it's a good story for her to have gone off her rocker and done this to Alan, but as a supposed man of the (lubricant-stained) cloth, Josh is supposed to have a code. She's his saintly fiancee and she's responsible for it all, and he is now an accessory by going along. It is not an anonymous confessional when your dick is inside her, Josh. Instead, Josh drones on to Cassie with a breezy, philosophical "we may not agree on some things..." and I wonder if the writers are high. It's not like she's an athiest, Josh! She faked a paternity test! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised at Josh's lack of priestly standards when I see that the Reverend Rutledge he is working with appears to be...Jm. J. Bullock. I swear to God, he looks and sounds exactly like Jm. J. Bullock. Still very creepy, Jm. Reverend Monroe simperingly tells Josh, Cassie, and the baptism-happy parents he's interviewing that baptism "[is] the moment when we get to put a child's destiny in God's hands." You mean, when you put its head underwater? Was I the only one whose mind went to that? Also? Those "parents" getting their child baptized looked like porn stars to me. Not casting stones. I'm just -- I mean, clearly, GL Got Bills. Cast whoever you can, right? Right. I understand. I understand.

And now: COOP TALKS TO HIS ERECTION

It's a daytime first y'all. Breaking new ground, like Agnes Nixon. It's a milestone! With ten little words, John Driscoll, Caitlin Van Zandt, David Kreizman, and Ellen Wheeler have changed everything...

"Dude. Dude, what are you doing? What is going on?!"

I know, I'm a little verklempt too. It's a historic moment, daytime acknowledging the physical realities and dimensions of the male sexual organ! Was it a little crass, a little goofy? Oh God yes, but frankly, with the way American daytime still tiptoes around or completely mishandles so many raw human realities, it was kind of refreshing to see even as I was mildly mortified. Watch Coop talk to his boner, kids at home! You'll learn a lot more about sex than you ever could from John and Marlena swooning all over each other.

Coop and Ashlee are so beyond adorable though, srsly. They are teh loveness. A huge part of what makes them so cute is that Caitlin Van Zandt is so utterly different from most daytime performers - and I don't mean her weight, so you can can that old Kathy Brier cliche catchphrase right now (not to put down Kathy actually, who has been doing her best work on OLTL in years in the last few weeks) . I mean her delivery, her gestures and affect; it's incredibly grounded in a kind of unpretentious reality which you really don't see on daytime, reminding me more of someone I'd see in, say, Knocked Up - just messy verbal garbage or human tics. With that naturalism comes a lot of very real dry humor, and that dry style has totally made the banter between Coop and Ashlee naturalistic and cute. Coop tells Ashlee to be careful about Alan, and Ashlee blows it off with, "Oh, I shot him." I can't help adoring them and I hope GL keeps going as far away from the "sad, humble fat girl makes good" route of Marcie Walsh as possible. I have loved and hated Marcie, and there were reasons why.


As cute and funny as Coop and Ashlee are, there is one storyline and one actress that will make me stay with GL even if I'm not always blogging it or watching everyday; that is, of course, Gina Tognoni as the brain-damaged Dinah Marler. Jesus H. Christ. She ain't fucking around! That's too real for me, man. I've given Gina Tognoni a lot of shit since her OLTL years for what I felt became a wholly cold, self-righteous, unsympathetic and impenetrable performance as Kelly Cramer during the Jill Farren Phelps era - she was way too thin, and her Kelly became so imperious and bitchy with no self-consciousness towards the audience. It wasn't til Heather Tom sent Kelly's massive flaws up and restored her humanity that I became a fan of the character. That said, Gina T. has been a revelation as Dinah, and is doing stunning work with this brain damage storyline so far. When I heard about it I rolled my eyes; it would be so easy for daytime to bullshit away something like that. Remember Carly's "brain damage" on GH when Sonny shot her in the head while she gave birth and they used the medical explanation to try to dismiss her wanting Alcazar over Sonny? Too often they use this shit just for plot points and gloss over the uglier, realer details, the loss of comprehension, but Gina is playing all of it, and you can see Dinah's wheels turning and her spark being suppressed at every moment. She is amazing just playing Dinah trying to operate a phone, or figure out how to open the closet door again. Unfortunately, Mallet is a fucking idiot and completely oblivious; "hey, Dinah, I gotta leave for awhile, remember to program the Tivo and cook our dinner! Oh, also, um, do me some long division for our taxes! And hey, honey? Can you call the station and get my messages, and take them down in descending order by date? kthnxbabe!" Mallet appears to be the only motherfucker on Earth to not realize his wife is stumbling around, looking lost as shit cause she BRAINDAMAGED son! Good Lord. The scenes with Dinah and Matt last week were really touching. "Who are you again?" "Spartacus." Hee.


ARRRRHarleykisskissallballlipfootKokoloveHarleyARRRR

I am not saying Brian Gaskill is a caveman. I want people to know that. I am saying I think Dylan Lewis is devolving into some kind of Jack Kirby "Early Man" character, perhaps one acquainted with Devil Dinosaur. With every passing episode, he seems more bestial, savage, and also, really, really stupid. Why is it that at least a third of the adults searching for Daisy and Rafe went for the option of "our children are missing - let's stop to drink?" After one glass of wine Dylan is smashed - even I am not that much of a lightweight, Dylan - and falling all over his hotel room and "drunkenly" kissing Harley "impulsively" in what has to be the worst kiss ever. Dylan is clearly the guy at college parties who sips some beer and is like "Oh my God, you guys, you guys, I am so drunk. I am, I, you could like do anything to me, I, I don't even know, I have to take off my clothes and get on my bed, who knows what could happen! Ohhh God!" Beth Ehlers does not appear to be able to show any kind of even remote attraction to him, and I don't blame her. Where is Morgan Englund? Why has CBS forsaken him? That man is still rock fucking solid. I can only imagine the inevitable scene in which Harley and Dylan "succumb to passion" with Brian Gaskill in the role, since that is obviously where this awful fucking story is going, if only briefly. Dylan Lewis, the over the hill tina freak who still thinks he's Meg Ryan with a cockring. And also, a Neanderthal.

I have given up trying to further express my disgust with the Olivia/Jeffrey "story." I tried last time and I think I pretty much shot the wad. How much can you say, honestly? Doesn't it really speak for itself? Oh, sure, Olivia and the writers try to breezy-philosophize their way out of it the same way Reverend Vagina-Master did on Cassie's falsifying the paternity test: "Neither one of us has ever gone for the sentimental stuff," Olivia says to Jeffrey airily as she again tries to sell him on becoming the Rapemaster to her Gatekeeper. "...It's one of those memories that defines everything." What, Olivia, like a baby's first steps? (Note: Not your rape baby.) Like high school graduation? Oh, you mean when he raped you! My bad! All this pseudo-intelligent dialogue from clearly intelligent people trying to sell the unwritable is just insulting. They try so hard to make Olivia and Jeffrey sound mature and reasonable in discussing their "unfinished business" like it was just some teenaged fling; no, he raped her, move the fuck on. Olivia agonizes that their feelings are supposedly unresolved because of "what happened" and that they must get out of "this limbo" they're in - rape is not a limbo, Olivia. Any real life therapist would tell her she's scarred and projecting all sorts of sick shit onto her early sexual experience and trying to romanticize it, but no, here on the soaps, it's just adult relationship angst. How far have we actually come from Bill raping Laura Horton, anyway? He did rape her, right? I coulda sworn. I don't understand how Crystal Chappell can play this shit and not vomit.

We also saw Jeffrey and Olivia's rape baby Ava this week being her skinny bitch self, and here's where I have to take a detour to talk about a pressing issue:

The Beacon Hotel: Lvl 2 Dungeon x 1 Triforce, no silver arrows

...So Ava comes over to talk to Olivia, okay? Comes over to Olivia's hotel room. From her own hotel room, in the same hotel. And says, "I was just at Ashlee's." You mean Ashlee's room, Ava. "I was just at Ashlee's room." Say it, Ava. Say it. YOU ALL LIVE IN THE SAME HOTEL. Ava, Ashlee, Ava's parents who are not even together, Dylan, I think maybe Beth and Rick...I know, I know. GL got bills. But this is really getting pathetic. It's like a Legend of Zelda mission map, that fuckin' place. This isn't cute, like when Search For Tomorrow did it. Just because Mary Stuart was on your show doesn't mean you can do it too. Anyway, Ava, little bitch, shows up at Ashlee's door with chocolates. Subtle ho. Ashlee kept it real by throwing that lamp or whatever at her. Marcie Walsh woulda just cried while Dead Al watched from the sidelines and shook his invisible fist.

Remy is still over in that corner, guys. Just saying. Crowded street. You could maybe go ho - no? Okay. All right.

As I've said I will give it to GL for Cyrus/Marina, they are hot and have real chemistry, even if the story is more than a bit old by daytime standards. Con man with a heart of gold, sweet heroine, etc etc. Mandy Bruno is still way too pert and sweet and dressed like Daisy on The Dukes of Hazzard to be at all convincing as a cop, but she is a fine enough actress these days (I used to detest her) and really sells her passion with that guy. When she was overcome during Dinah's coma vigil and told Cyrus to "take me home?" Hot. Just saying. Unfortunately, the problem is all the brains and feistiness Mandy Bruno's Marina seems to have just recently acquired in my eyes comes apart like a dandelion the minute she lets Cyrus and his fuckin' accent cow her. Immediately she's all softshoe-tiptoe apologetic, oh sorry Cyrus, of course I trust you, as you steal Alex's pearls and she schemes to make you her sex slave behind my back. Blah blah blah. Any time a man tells a woman "I'm doing this for us," she should know that fucker is up to no goddamn good. For a cop, like Marina, it should've been a huge flag. Instead, she acquiesces. They can do better.

Srries Jeffrey, Reva's is bigger. THIS IS SPARTA!!!

I have of course saved the, uh, best for last. As you and I both know by now, fucking Reva and her gigantic honky-tonk washboard banjo blues bar of a cooze have been sated. Yes, there's only one other man who can stand up to Reva's angry monchichi, and that is Jeffrey O'Neill, the walking sex crime. But you know - and it deeply, deeply pains and nauseates me to say this - I did not hate their drinking-&-banter scenes. I was actually amused. And I asked myself, why? Did I leave the stove on, maybe? The answer is, no, I didn't, but that was a fair question. I thought about it, and I think I know what it is. Yes, I absolutely fucking hate Reva. I find her utterly repulsive. But so much of that is tied into what they've tried to make her, which is, the supercouple damsel, the queen of love, the sex goddess who no man can resist. When introduced Reva was rough trade, right? She was the "slut of Springfield," she was open for business, only certain men could stomach her. But then Josh and Reva became JOSHXREVA, supercouple, and suddenly they're trying to sell her as Dee Hall or Genie Francis, or Queen of San Cristobel who a European prince would be unbelievably attracted to, or a time traveling maiden. It's like, have they seen Reva? Her face is like one of the Dalek pigslaves from Doctor Who. I'm sorry, but it is. She is not that beautiful and the character may be very tough and very savvy, but she is not necessarily that brilliant or that irresistible. She just loves sex and men and family, probably in that order if you ask me. And when the character is just who she really is when you have a stiff drink and take a look at her fucking face, then I can enjoy Reva. And that's what those scenes were to me - the real Reva, drinking and fucking. She seemed comfortable, she was actually funny. For once, they were not trying to sell her as some sex goddess Madonna in the pink leotard, embarrassing herself at Live Earth with dancers a third of her age...anyway, putting Jeffrey aside, it was the first time I've liked Reva in, like, ever. Reva is gross. But sometimes that can be a good thing.

Beth closes her eyes and thinks of Scott Peterson.

So there we are. It took fucking long enough, but it's my last GL entry, at least for now. I think I will be staying with the show on a recurring basis, haha, as I really like some of these stories and characters, and I may blog it from time to time. I've really enjoyed this, and I hope you, uh, have too, if you haven't forgotten about it entirely. I would not blame you. Thank God we didn't offer some kind of refund or something. Also, somewhere out there, some poor person named RoseVioletDaisy probably has no idea I shamelessly ganked most of these photos from her wonderful GL screencaps. If she finds out she is within her rights to prison shank me, I officially admit it. See you guys on the Night Shift. Oh, and we have one final GL Retro Moment. I am not going to bother with context here, all I can say to describe it is three words: Enough. Is. Enough.














...and it certainly wasn't good enough for HER.