Y&R - Thursday - The Busted and The Bodacious

Sharon: Oh Brad, uh uh, oooooh Brad!

Brad: Sha-sha-sharon!
Sharon: No, no, Brad, we--yes! YES! BRAD!
Brad: Sharon!
[[[CLANG CLANG CLANG]]]



Brad and Sharon commence their love making as Nick looks on.

That was a very good ending it must be said. I expected Phyllis to catch them but having Nick catch them instead? Jumps over so many plot contrivances (such as Phyllis not telling him and keeping it secret to "Protect Nick and Sharon's marriage", thank GOD they didn't do that shit) and one can't help but be thankful for that.

I hope Nick gets more angry for Victoria than he does for himself, his WIFE is screwing his SISTER'S HUSBAND. It's NASTY.

And oh, God, that bitch did not lose her balance over hearing that Nick is the father. Get a grip, woman! For God's sake.

Oh look Neil, it's a professional minority female (Brad's Asian banker)! Maybe you and she could share a milkshake at the local diner! Two straws! One drink! Live dangerously.

I dunno, that basketball scene between Neil and Carmen feels like it's been in at least 2 dozen other movies and TV shows. The man sexily teaches the woman how to sexily play basketball and it's all sexy. It's really not.

BACK LIKE HOT FIRE:
THE RETURN OF
DRUCILLA BARBER WINTERS

GENOA CITY HAS NEVER LOOKED BETTER!

Also, HATS! CRAZY ASS HATS! You were missed.

Dru: Hi Daddy, I'm home!
Me: Ohh, baby, baby! Hiii, mami!
[hugs, kiss, kiss]
Dru: So, how ya been?
Me: Your husband plus skank equals me unhappy. And bored out of my brain, can't you get your man some Ginkgo biloba?
Dru: I know what I can give little miss mamacita, a can of whupass!
Me: Now on sale, only $9.95! Money back guarantee!

Y&R - Wednesday - Who Dat is? Just My Baby Daddy

And the fetus goes to...Nick Newman!

[Nick jogs over to the blog booth, wiping his brow with a towel]

Me: Nick, Nick, how do you feel?
Nick: Man, I feel like I really put my all into it! I mean, I went there!
Me: You did, you did. Is there anything you would have done differently?
Nick: Wore a condom? Hahaha! No, no, nothing different.
Me: What--what do you think it was that pushed you over the edge?
Nick: Well, you know, you know.
Me: Haha! I think we ALL know but comeon, Nick, tell us!
Nick: I hate to say, hate to say it but I gotta give credit where credit is due, it's that Newman sperm! Those Newman swimmers! [points to his crotch furiously] All that jizz! Thanks dad, [presses his pointer and middle finger together and touches his lips as he raises his hand to the sky] much love!
Me: Well, great job out there, you really brought it home for us!
Nick: Thanks, man, thanks, I just did what I do best!

I was going to include a picture of sperm going "We gots it done, awww, yeah, motherfuckers! We fucked the mother!" here but a Google search on sperm brings up some nasty shit. I could only take so much.

Nick MUST have done something to those results, why else have him leave town? I say he, so desperately in love with Phyllis and still grieving his daughter and aching to have a child and fulfill Cassie's dying wish, changed the results. He'll rationalize it that Jack was being rather cruel to Phyllis and wanted little to nothing to do with her. He could also say that Jack already has two children he rarely spends time with but they probably won't go there. Anyway, I don't think the paternity isssue is quite over with just yet.

Okay, Alex comes across as a total gigolo. Seriously, like he's giving blowjobs behind dumpsters. You know, to feed his heroine addiction. It would explain so much.

"Eww! Gross...how much does it pay?"

Oh AC, you're too much.

I really like that Lily, Daniel and Colleen have jobs. And real jobs too, jobs that teenagers have, jobs that pay minimum wage, most soap kids live off Mommy and Daddy's "trust funds" or "inheritances".

Colleen, you dumb git. If I didn't care so little I'd be so mad at you!

I assume we're all done celebrating Nick's victory? Now for some polite discent.

Phyllis: Are you happy? I understand. It's a difficult situation.
Nick: I love you. I love our baby. But I have an obligation to my wife and son.

YOU'RE BOTH MAKING ME NAUSEOUS! SO FUCKING CALM AND UNDERSTANDING! GET MAD, PHYLLIS, HE LEFT YOU TWISTING IN THE WIND FOR 3 DAYS! STOP SENDING MIXED SIGNALS, NICK, YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE YOUR WIFE! GAAAAAAAH! THE ANGST IS DESTROYING MY OVARIES AND I DON'T HAVE OVARIES! YOU TWO NEED TO TAKE THE I-95 AND GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES!


I'm spent.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll! Looks like Jack White is in the lead! Go Jack! I'm gonna send him a complimentary No-Prize. And I'm gonna keep the poll up until...let's say next Tuesday. So spam the crap out of it, I have!

Y&R - Tuesday - JackJackCoreyMikeFace

Daniel: Mmm, that feels good.
Lily: Because I am good.
Me: [FANNING MYSELF]

Oh boy, we need a new word for hot because that was damn near combustible! Fucking Alex had to ruin the Daily Dily! And God, Daniel, you don't leave the girl that's aching to jump your bones? Okay, okay, a creep's on the loose but damn, she was all over your jock. You want her to sit on it, don't you? SIT ON IT, LILY!

HappyFunVictor is Gandhi and that? Is Awesome. I liked Victor having a Eureka moment of "I'll replace the pills!", Eric Braeden played it adorably. How wrong is that I'm using words like "adorably" and "Eric Braeden" in the same sentence? Truckloads of wrong.

Nikki's "I knew it was too good to be true." = "My husband's epilepsy was totally working for me. Thanks, Victoria. Thanks a lot."

I swear Alex was thisclose to grabbing Kevin's crotch and telling him the real price for his silence. That's a scene I would have watched. Like, a lot. Like 24 hour replay. Rrrrr--click--rrrrr--click---rrrr--click.

Look at Daniel in his pink button-down and Kevin in his baby blue dress shirt. Too cute. I bet they called each other that morning all "And what are you wearing? Get out! I'll wear my pink shirt, we'll be the pastel sisters! Hee! I mean, brothers. Brothers. Double hee!"

POLL TIME!

(click the pics to capture the true resemblance, it's astonishing)

Who Does Alex Most Resemble?

Click the link for the poll

Michael: I find this offensive!
Corey: Oh man, oh man! Mike! Miiiike! It's been years! Years, bro!
Michael: Excuse me, who are you?
Corey: It's me, Corey! Corey Feldman!
Michael: I know no Corey Fieldmens, I don't know you!
Corey: We used to be homies, homes!
Michael: I am not in my house! You leave me! You are suspicious! Suspiccccccious!
Jack: So...
Jack: Tell me about it.

Y&R - Monday - Imma get chu! Ooooh!

Abby: AHHHHHHHHH!
ClackClackNarmFace: What's--whirrrrrrr-wrong?
Abby: Victor just stuck his hand in the fire!
Victor: NonoAbbyIdidnotdoitonpurpose!
Abby: Yes you did! Why did you do that?!
CCNF: I'm sure it was an accident, Abby.
Abby: The fuck it was! He just stuck his hands into the fire!
Victor: AbbyohnonoIamfine!
Abby: Wha--where am I? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? HIS HAND IS STILL ON FIRE!
CCNF: Oh Gawd, dad!
Victor: I am fine! Itsbutaslightflame!
Abby: OH SNAP, ZAPATOJUSTBITOFFHISLEG!
Victor: Oh, poo poo, Ididnotneeditanyway!

Look at Daniel and Kevin, recounting the whole Alex mess, like little Exposition Fairies. Apropo I must say.

I think Neil, Carmen, Phyllis and Jack just took the fastest elevator in creation. From senior level offices to the parking garage in 10 seconds flat! Woo!

Jack and Phyllis Flashbacks, STOP RIPPING MY HEART APART! IT HURTS WHEN YOU DO THAT!

I hate psychics in popular media, it's such shlockly, predictable, pandering crap. Ooooh, dark things are ahead for Kevin. Well, I predict that within the next day I'm gonna take a crap, maybe I'm psychic too! It's gonna be a moody, threatening and eerie one too. And probably dark. Did I just turn you off? I did, didn't I? No, no, wait, don't go. I promise no more talk of my future bowel movements.

Aw, girls, girls, I love you (well, I love Lily, I tolerate you Colleen and don't you forget it. Also, less mumus in your summerwear draw, for God's sake your barely 20) but a cameraphone isn't gonna fight off a gun.

Neil: I'm doing it!
Carmen: Do it!
Neil: I am doing it!
Carmen: Do it! Do it!
Neil: Done!
Carmen: This is insanity, Neil! ABSOLUTE INSANITY!
Neil: I know! There's a first time for everything! I am giddy with anticipation!

[Neil chooses strawberry milk over chocolate in the commissary]

Daniel is clearly being blackmailed by Michael Jackson.

"Ooooh! Danny, I am very very suspicious of you. You with your suspicious nature and your suspiciousness, ooooh! Imma get chu, Danny! With that Rock On song, trying to USURP ME! Not gonna happen! Never gonna happen! SHAMONE!"

OLTL - Todd's New Names Of Honor Party

Right, soooo, you all know I've been gone for like two weeks or whatever, because my new job has me working very long hours all week long, and I barely have any time to watch any of Mah Stories except in large blocks of several at a time, and so I'm really only getting to view some stuff now, like Todd's now-infamous Southern belle doyenne "coming out" party at the Palace, remember that? With the white suit and the dancing with Van? Yeah. So I don't know what you guys thought of it, but personally, I was watching it at like 1 AM after spending six to eight hours on my feet, and here's all my muddled mind can remember:

Todd: Dearly beloved! Mike check one two! Dearly beloved. Dearlybeloveddearlybeloveddearlybeloveddddd. What up. I am in effect. Make no mistake.
Viki (stepping out from the assembled crowd) : Todd, what is this...?
Todd (shooing her away) : No, Viki, no, you're too close, you're too close to the fire, too hot, no, go, go, back. Back! I'm in effect, back! (A long beat, and then Viki sighs and steps back.) Okay. So. As I was saying. I am in effect. Mike check one two one two. What up, my bitches. This is the new shit. I was dead, now I am alive. This is my crazy freak ass calypso resurrection. And you all will bear witness. Can I get a witness?
Evangeline (singing from out of nowhere) : Yes, you caaaannn!
Todd: Yes! God! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! (strokes Van's face) She knows what I neeeeddd! Not like some people who I have named Blair. Blair. I'm afraid your new callsign will be "Dirty Diana." You like the boys in the band, you know when they come to town. Etc, etc.
Blair: Oh, don't get me into this with you and your semen-colored overcoat.
Todd: The! Color! Is! Cream! You dirty bitch! I will eat you! My high light will consume your darkness! Here comes the Coming of the White, ho! Here it comes! Here it comes! You shall not pass!
Spencer: Just what the hell is this all about, Manning? Why have you called us all here?
Ricky (lisping) : Ooooh, I'm just happy to be invited!
Todd: Quiet, Polesmoque Columbus! Yes, that is your new callsign. "Ricky" is dead, "Polesmoque" lives! You see, that's why I've brought you all here. Now that you have bore witness to my resurrection, we shall begin with Phase Two: The Naming of The Assembled! Those who have brought honor unto themselves by aiding me in my time of my need shall be given new names, better names, names of valor, magic, and power. Those who have shamed themselves - well, you saw what's become of Dirty Diana.
Layla: I've always wanted an even less ethnic name!
Evangeline: Oh, name us all, Todd, name us all!!
Todd: I will, bitches! Settle down! (clears throat) First, we shall begin with the one who was once known as David Vickers.
David: Oh, man.
Todd: Silence! Valiant Sir Toad! Foul of face and flesh, thick with filth as he hippity-hopped in the marsh swamps, yet his pure intention shone through! David Vickers dies so Valiant Sir Toad might live! (raises glass) All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
Layla/Evangeline/Ricky (raising glasses) : All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
David: And yet oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been subject to that particular toast.
Natalie: Uncle Todd, have you been huffing paint?

Todd: Silence, Nipplex Muffintop! I will brook no insolence from you, even if you and your lover did fight bravely to prove my innocence! (turning to John) Come forward, Sybok! Claim your new name of honor! Your Vulcan cunning was my salvation!
Layla/Evangeline (singing) : Sybok! Oooooh Sybok!!
John (stumbling forward) : heymanmmrmmrmgrrrmgllwhiskey. (steps back)
Todd: Words of wisdom, o sage Sybok! Words of wisdom! Starr Manning! Faithful daughter, feisty wench! Step forward!
Ricky (nudging Starr, lisping) : Come on, Starr, step forward!
Starr: Yeah, okay, hi, Dad.
Todd: Dad nothing! Starr nothing! Your new name is Sub-Zero! For Sub-Zero is the truest, the strongest, the deadliest of all "Mortal Kombat" warriors! (raising glass) Honor and glory of the kill goes to Sub-Zero, for his victory is flawless!
Starr: Sub-Zero? I'm Sub-Zero?
Todd: Be wary of her, Polesmoque! Her ice blasts are deadly! Use the block button! A sweep kick will foil her! (hearty chuckle) Enjoy yourselves, it's a celebration.
Ricky (nodding excitedly, lisping) : I'll do that, sir!
Viki: Todd, honey, really, this is getting to be a bit much...
Todd: Oh, are we boring you, Mother Honeyface? Fair of temperament and color, how jolly your embrace! And yummy to taste! Mother Honeyface has never betrayed me! All hail her!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Honeyface! Oooooh Mother Honeyface!!
Viki: Would you please stop doing that?!
Ricky (to Cristian, lisping) : Hey, Mr. Manning's pretty cool, isn't he? I'm Polesmoque Columbus now!
Cristian (staring at Ricky incredulously) : Motherfucker tried to burn me alive!
Todd (laughing uproariously) : Ohhh, Honcho Sanchez! The past is forgotten between us! All is bonhomie and manly banter, for we have been made anew, warriors both! Our petty personal battles are ended, Honcho! To us victors go the spoils! All hail Honcho Sanchez!
Evangeline/Layla/Ricky (singing) : Honcho Sanchez! Oooooh Honcho Sancheeezzzz!!
Todd: Now there is the matter of the one who was once called Jack. Jack Manning. Manning Jack. Janning Mack. Janning Mack! Step forward!
Jack (shuffling forward from the back of the crowd) : Hi, alleged Daddy person.
Todd: Alleged indeed!
Evangeline (shocked) : How could you do this to him, Jack?! I don't judge you.
Starr: Dad, come on -
Todd: Sub-Zero's intervention will not spare you, Janning Mack! No, Jack, I'm afraid you have betrayed me for the last time. Your filthy deceit must be repaid with swift interdiction. Therefore, your old name is stripped from you. Henceforth your callsign shall be - "Pug Mug." Wear it with shame, Pug Mug! Wear it well! You wear it well! Pug Mug! Sisters!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Ooohhhhh Pug Mug! Pug Mug Pug Mug! Oooooh Pug Mug!
Todd: Meditate on your betrayal at second level, Pug Mug! Meditate and cry!
Jack (crying) : No! No, I won't!
Todd: Oh, you so will! Pug Mug is out of order. Pug Mug has become renegade! Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level!

Evangeline/Layla (wiggling fingers at Jack) : Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level! Renegade!





Jack (sobbing) : No! No! I will not go to second level with you!





Todd: You will! You will! If only you had been faithful to me, like Sub-Zero and Princess Choco! (turning to Evangeline) Yes, step forward, Princess Choco! More beautiful than Princess Toadstool, with higher jumping power, and a better kart driver than even King Koopa or Luigi! I will give you my flying raccoon tail and we will be wed in the land of the mushroom people!


Evangeline (sobbing with happiness) : Yes! Oh, God, yes! I know...somehow I've always known! I will marry you, Todd! Finally, someone who recognizes the...the Princess Choco within me!
Todd: Slow your unlearned heathen tongue, Princess Choco! Todd is no more; he expired in the Highfather's blinding white flames!
Blair: Okay, seriously, seriously, stop, what the hell is a 'Highfather?' Does this make sense to anyone?
Todd: Shut up, Dirty Diana! (to Evangeline) As I was saying, Todd is dead. I too have a new name. I too have been remade with honor. Todd Manning is dead, Choco. The ambiguously male specimen that stands before you is...Hot Rod Brannigan.
Ricky/Layla (singing) : Hot Rod! Ooooohhhh Hot Roooodddd!! Ooooohhhh-AAAAAAHHHH!!
Viki: Oh, my God.
Evangeline: I love you, Hot Rod!
Todd: And I you, Princess Choco! (embraces her; they start making out. Todd leans over to the assembled others.) This concludes our revels. Go, and may the giant be with you!
(People start filing out.)
Layla: Hey, wait a minute! Spencer and I didn't get named! I want my new name of honor!
Todd: Oh, yeah, right, sorry. Uh...Spencer is Cocksaber. You are faithful servant Rumpy. Peace out.
Layla (dejected yet hopeful) : Rumpy...Rumpy...!
Todd (still making out with Evangeline) : Yeah, uh, that drink wasn't free, Rumpy, leave the cash.

I apologize for that in the name of comedy. That is called fermented absurdism. Badly fermented.

I have just a few comments on the rest of the recent eps. First of all, what to say about the whole David/John/Thomas McBain nonsense. You know John was serious about getting to the bottom of this when that motherfucker traveled back through time to witness the murder! What kind of directorial, or writing, or whatever choice was that? John travels through time to see it? Come on. No. And I can't even discuss the twenty five year old gun that has been there, in the street, this entire time. Whaeva. Whaeva!






You know soap actors are dedicated when Rex and Adriana have to act absolutely bugshit terrified when they are attacked by OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK BACK UP OFF ME a live butterfly! And then the fucking butterfly is just fluttering around the room, yippety-skippety, and what is the next line? What is the next line John-Paul Lavoisier has to deliver with utter, solemn conviction, dead ass serious?

"That son of a bitch knows we're here."

Fucking classic!

Look at Dorian and Clint trying to pretend they're getting crunked on tequila. That shit is Gatorade. Gatorade!

Can we talk about the elephant in the room, please? The big pink elephant? Marcie is batshit crazy. Okay? She's been that for a long while now and it keeps getting worse the worse her storylines get. Big bug eyes, just hysterics, it's awful. That shit with Baby Tommy, the bitch was insane. What was that? What was that? It had been like two weeks and Marcie was ready to take up a fucking Jennifer "Ape Bananas Surprise Carly" Bransford Memorial Garden Sickle to cut Janice the social worker before giving her or any of "the pigs" (you know that's how Marcie sees them now) Tommy! You know she was nipple-feeding that baby, too! She was acting like Chris Rock in New Jack City and they were trying to get her off crack! "No, Janice, Tommy needs sleep! Babies need sleep! Sleep baby sleep! No! Nooo! Don't make me hurt you, Janice! I'll suck your dick, Janice!" For God's fucking sake, Marcie.

I cannot even talk about that shit with Spencer and the truth serum and his Hulk flashback. That will wait for another time. "Pretty Blair have pretty yellow hair! Why hair so yellow, Blair? Blair betray me! Roots chemically altered! Why executive producer make Blair stay too yellow? Spencer smash executive producer!" Spencer is angry, y'all! He's the Juggernaut, he's ready to fuck, he's born ready! His theme song is "Act A Fool" and he's about to wild out and throw a chair at your ass! Run, bitches, run!

Yeah, I am so off the game. I am sorry I have been gone so long. I will try to get into a semi-regular schedule. That is, when I am not working myself to death. Vultures! Vultures!

I would like everyone to note that the 'elephant in the room' phrase is so not a fat joke.