Jul 19, 2006

Y&R - Wednesday - Who Dat is? Just My Baby Daddy

And the fetus goes to...Nick Newman!





[Nick jogs over to the blog booth, wiping his brow with a towel]

Me:
Nick, Nick, how do you feel?
Nick: Man, I feel like I really put my all into it! I mean, I went there!
Me: You did, you did. Is there anything you would have done differently?
Nick: Wore a condom? Hahaha! No, no, nothing different.
Me: What--what do you think it was that pushed you over the edge?
Nick: Well, you know, you know.
Me: Haha! I think we ALL know but comeon, Nick, tell us!
Nick: I hate to say, hate to say it but I gotta give credit where credit is due, it's that Newman sperm! Those Newman swimmers! [points to his crotch furiously] All that jizz! Thanks dad, [presses his pointer and middle finger together and touches his lips as he raises his hand to the sky] much love!
Me: Well, great job out there, you really brought it home for us!
Nick: Thanks, man, thanks, I just did what I do best!

I was going to include a picture of sperm going "We gots it done, awww, yeah, motherfuckers! We fucked the mother!" here but a Google search on sperm brings up some nasty shit. I could only take so much.

Nick MUST have done something to those results, why else have him leave town? I say he, so desperately in love with Phyllis and still grieving his daughter and aching to have a child and fulfill Cassie's dying wish, changed the results. He'll rationalize it that Jack was being rather cruel to Phyllis and wanted little to nothing to do with her. He could also say that Jack already has two children he rarely spends time with but they probably won't go there. Anyway, I don't think the paternity isssue is quite over with just yet.

Okay, Alex comes across as a total gigolo. Seriously, like he's giving blowjobs behind dumpsters. You know, to feed his heroine addiction. It would explain so much.



"Eww! Gross...how much does it pay?"

Oh AC, you're too much.

I really like that Lily, Daniel and Colleen have jobs. And real jobs too, jobs that teenagers have, jobs that pay minimum wage, most soap kids live off Mommy and Daddy's "trust funds" or "inheritances".

Colleen, you dumb git. If I didn't care so little I'd be so mad at you!

I assume we're all done celebrating Nick's victory? Now for some polite discent.

Phyllis: Are you happy? I understand. It's a difficult situation.
Nick: I love you. I love our baby. But I have an obligation to my wife and son.

YOU'RE BOTH MAKING ME NAUSEOUS! SO FUCKING CALM AND UNDERSTANDING! GET MAD, PHYLLIS, HE LEFT YOU TWISTING IN THE WIND FOR 3 DAYS! STOP SENDING MIXED SIGNALS, NICK, YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE YOUR WIFE! GAAAAAAAH! THE ANGST IS DESTROYING MY OVARIES AND I DON'T HAVE OVARIES! YOU TWO NEED TO TAKE THE I-95 AND GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES!


I'm spent.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the poll! Looks like Jack White is in the lead! Go Jack! I'm gonna send him a complimentary No-Prize. And I'm gonna keep the poll up until...let's say next Tuesday. So spam the crap out of it, I have!

5 comments:

Smart Alec said...

I'm Canadian so I get the day ahead show, but this was my reaction yesterday to the reveal: Nooooo! I see the Nick/Phyllis attraction, but I'm rooting for Jack/Phyllis to get their shit together. Damn you, Darn, for giving me hope that Nick switched the results! If this was Days or OLTL, I'd be right there with you, but I'm 100% certain it's Nick's. Loved the sports analogy, not too sure about ending this entry with "I'm spent", though.

Darn said...

Well, I was tired from all the yelling at Phyllis and Nick.

And yeah, I think all of my years of watching ABC Daytime has twisted the way I view paternity on soaps, it's never ever definitive and can change at the drop of a hat. Here's the thing, I honestly don't know which is the more interesting story, the baby as Nick's or Jack's.

Smart Alec said...

I was thinking about that as well... if it's Nick's than we get all this conflict and tension b/w Sharon/Nick/Phyl, and even Jack. Like, imagine HappyFunVictor is fixed and Jack & Phyllis reunite and decide to raise the baby w/o the Newman's? Drama! But if it's Jack's than Jack finally as a child on-screen, and a possible future foe for Noah Newman.

crc said...

Poor darn. The sacrifice you're will to make to put together this great blog is much appreciated. I hope you didn't go blind from that google search. LOL!

Darn said...

Seriously, some people are so nasty. I mean, how much can you do with sperm? A lot apparently. I can't even talk about it anymore, it's too much. My delicate sensibilties, you know?

I was thinking about that as well... if it's Nick's than we get all this conflict and tension b/w Sharon/Nick/Phyl, and even Jack. Like, imagine HappyFunVictor is fixed and Jack & Phyllis reunite and decide to raise the baby w/o the Newman's? Drama! But if it's Jack's than Jack finally as a child on-screen, and a possible future foe for Noah Newman.

Exactly. Endless possibilities. Endless interesting possibilities with years of story in them. It's a wonderful dilemma.