Jul 17, 2006

OLTL - Todd's New Names Of Honor Party

Right, soooo, you all know I've been gone for like two weeks or whatever, because my new job has me working very long hours all week long, and I barely have any time to watch any of Mah Stories except in large blocks of several at a time, and so I'm really only getting to view some stuff now, like Todd's now-infamous Southern belle doyenne "coming out" party at the Palace, remember that? With the white suit and the dancing with Van? Yeah. So I don't know what you guys thought of it, but personally, I was watching it at like 1 AM after spending six to eight hours on my feet, and here's all my muddled mind can remember:

Dearly beloved! Mike check one two! Dearly beloved. Dearlybeloveddearlybeloveddearlybeloveddddd. What up. I am in effect. Make no mistake.
Viki (stepping out from the assembled crowd) : Todd, what is this...?
Todd (shooing her away) : No, Viki, no, you're too close, you're too close to the fire, too hot, no, go, go, back. Back! I'm in effect, back! (A long beat, and then Viki sighs and steps back.) Okay. So. As I was saying. I am in effect. Mike check one two one two. What up, my bitches. This is the new shit. I was dead, now I am alive. This is my crazy freak ass calypso resurrection. And you all will bear witness. Can I get a witness?
Evangeline (singing from out of nowhere) : Yes, you caaaannn!
Todd: Yes! God! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! (strokes Van's face) She knows what I neeeeddd! Not like some people who I have named Blair. Blair. I'm afraid your new callsign will be "Dirty Diana." You like the boys in the band, you know when they come to town. Etc, etc.
Blair: Oh, don't get me into this with you and your semen-colored overcoat.
Todd: The! Color! Is! Cream! You dirty bitch! I will eat you! My high light will consume your darkness! Here comes the Coming of the White, ho! Here it comes! Here it comes! You shall not pass!
Spencer: Just what the hell is this all about, Manning? Why have you called us all here?
Ricky (lisping) : Ooooh, I'm just happy to be invited!
Todd: Quiet, Polesmoque Columbus! Yes, that is your new callsign. "Ricky" is dead, "Polesmoque" lives! You see, that's why I've brought you all here. Now that you have bore witness to my resurrection, we shall begin with Phase Two: The Naming of The Assembled! Those who have brought honor unto themselves by aiding me in my time of my need shall be given new names, better names, names of valor, magic, and power. Those who have shamed themselves - well, you saw what's become of Dirty Diana.
Layla: I've always wanted an even less ethnic name!
Evangeline: Oh, name us all, Todd, name us all!!
Todd: I will, bitches! Settle down! (clears throat) First, we shall begin with the one who was once known as David Vickers.
David: Oh, man.
Todd: Silence! Valiant Sir Toad! Foul of face and flesh, thick with filth as he hippity-hopped in the marsh swamps, yet his pure intention shone through! David Vickers dies so Valiant Sir Toad might live! (raises glass) All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
Layla/Evangeline/Ricky (raising glasses) : All hail Valiant Sir Toad!
David: And yet oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been subject to that particular toast.
Natalie: Uncle Todd, have you been huffing paint?

Todd: Silence, Nipplex Muffintop! I will brook no insolence from you, even if you and your lover did fight bravely to prove my innocence! (turning to John) Come forward, Sybok! Claim your new name of honor! Your Vulcan cunning was my salvation!
Layla/Evangeline (singing) : Sybok! Oooooh Sybok!!
John (stumbling forward) : heymanmmrmmrmgrrrmgllwhiskey. (steps back)
Todd: Words of wisdom, o sage Sybok! Words of wisdom! Starr Manning! Faithful daughter, feisty wench! Step forward!
Ricky (nudging Starr, lisping) : Come on, Starr, step forward!
Starr: Yeah, okay, hi, Dad.
Todd: Dad nothing! Starr nothing! Your new name is Sub-Zero! For Sub-Zero is the truest, the strongest, the deadliest of all "Mortal Kombat" warriors! (raising glass) Honor and glory of the kill goes to Sub-Zero, for his victory is flawless!
Starr: Sub-Zero? I'm Sub-Zero?
Todd: Be wary of her, Polesmoque! Her ice blasts are deadly! Use the block button! A sweep kick will foil her! (hearty chuckle) Enjoy yourselves, it's a celebration.
Ricky (nodding excitedly, lisping) : I'll do that, sir!
Viki: Todd, honey, really, this is getting to be a bit much...
Todd: Oh, are we boring you, Mother Honeyface? Fair of temperament and color, how jolly your embrace! And yummy to taste! Mother Honeyface has never betrayed me! All hail her!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Honeyface! Oooooh Mother Honeyface!!
Viki: Would you please stop doing that?!
Ricky (to Cristian, lisping) : Hey, Mr. Manning's pretty cool, isn't he? I'm Polesmoque Columbus now!
Cristian (staring at Ricky incredulously) : Motherfucker tried to burn me alive!
Todd (laughing uproariously) : Ohhh, Honcho Sanchez! The past is forgotten between us! All is bonhomie and manly banter, for we have been made anew, warriors both! Our petty personal battles are ended, Honcho! To us victors go the spoils! All hail Honcho Sanchez!
Evangeline/Layla/Ricky (singing) : Honcho Sanchez! Oooooh Honcho Sancheeezzzz!!
Todd: Now there is the matter of the one who was once called Jack. Jack Manning. Manning Jack. Janning Mack. Janning Mack! Step forward!
Jack (shuffling forward from the back of the crowd) : Hi, alleged Daddy person.
Todd: Alleged indeed!
Evangeline (shocked) : How could you do this to him, Jack?! I don't judge you.
Starr: Dad, come on -
Todd: Sub-Zero's intervention will not spare you, Janning Mack! No, Jack, I'm afraid you have betrayed me for the last time. Your filthy deceit must be repaid with swift interdiction. Therefore, your old name is stripped from you. Henceforth your callsign shall be - "Pug Mug." Wear it with shame, Pug Mug! Wear it well! You wear it well! Pug Mug! Sisters!
Evangeline/Layla (singing) : Ooohhhhh Pug Mug! Pug Mug Pug Mug! Oooooh Pug Mug!
Todd: Meditate on your betrayal at second level, Pug Mug! Meditate and cry!
Jack (crying) : No! No, I won't!
Todd: Oh, you so will! Pug Mug is out of order. Pug Mug has become renegade! Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level!

Evangeline/Layla (wiggling fingers at Jack) : Renegade! Renegade! Go to second level! Renegade!

Jack (sobbing) : No! No! I will not go to second level with you!

Todd: You will! You will! If only you had been faithful to me, like Sub-Zero and Princess Choco! (turning to Evangeline) Yes, step forward, Princess Choco! More beautiful than Princess Toadstool, with higher jumping power, and a better kart driver than even King Koopa or Luigi! I will give you my flying raccoon tail and we will be wed in the land of the mushroom people!

Evangeline (sobbing with happiness) : Yes! Oh, God, yes! I know...somehow I've always known! I will marry you, Todd! Finally, someone who recognizes the...the Princess Choco within me!
Slow your unlearned heathen tongue, Princess Choco! Todd is no more; he expired in the Highfather's blinding white flames!
Blair: Okay, seriously, seriously, stop, what the hell is a 'Highfather?' Does this make sense to anyone?
Todd: Shut up, Dirty Diana! (to Evangeline) As I was saying, Todd is dead. I too have a new name. I too have been remade with honor. Todd Manning is dead, Choco. The ambiguously male specimen that stands before you is...Hot Rod Brannigan.
Ricky/Layla (singing) : Hot Rod! Ooooohhhh Hot Roooodddd!! Ooooohhhh-AAAAAAHHHH!!
Viki: Oh, my God.
Evangeline: I love you, Hot Rod!
Todd: And I you, Princess Choco! (embraces her; they start making out. Todd leans over to the assembled others.) This concludes our revels. Go, and may the giant be with you!
(People start filing out.)

Layla: Hey, wait a minute! Spencer and I didn't get named! I want my new name of honor!
Todd: Oh, yeah, right, sorry. Uh...Spencer is Cocksaber. You are faithful servant Rumpy. Peace out.
Layla (dejected yet hopeful) : Rumpy...Rumpy...!
Todd (still making out with Evangeline) : Yeah, uh, that drink wasn't free, Rumpy, leave the cash.

I apologize for that in the name of comedy. That is called fermented absurdism. Badly fermented.

I have just a few comments on the rest of the recent eps. First of all, what to say about the whole David/John/Thomas McBain nonsense. You know John was serious about getting to the bottom of this when that motherfucker traveled back through time to witness the murder! What kind of directorial, or writing, or whatever choice was that? John travels through time to see it? Come on. No. And I can't even discuss the twenty five year old gun that has been there, in the street, this entire time. Whaeva. Whaeva!

You know soap actors are dedicated when Rex and Adriana have to act absolutely bugshit terrified when they are attacked by OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK BACK UP OFF ME a live butterfly! And then the fucking butterfly is just fluttering around the room, yippety-skippety, and what is the next line? What is the next line John-Paul Lavoisier has to deliver with utter, solemn conviction, dead ass serious?

"That son of a bitch knows we're here."

Fucking classic!

Look at Dorian and Clint trying to pretend they're getting crunked on tequila. That shit is Gatorade. Gatorade!

Can we talk about the elephant in the room, please? The big pink elephant? Marcie is batshit crazy. Okay? She's been that for a long while now and it keeps getting worse the worse her storylines get. Big bug eyes, just hysterics, it's awful. That shit with Baby Tommy, the bitch was insane. What was that? What was that? It had been like two weeks and Marcie was ready to take up a fucking Jennifer "Ape Bananas Surprise Carly" Bransford Memorial Garden Sickle to cut Janice the social worker before giving her or any of "the pigs" (you know that's how Marcie sees them now) Tommy! You know she was nipple-feeding that baby, too! She was acting like Chris Rock in New Jack City and they were trying to get her off crack! "No, Janice, Tommy needs sleep! Babies need sleep! Sleep baby sleep! No! Nooo! Don't make me hurt you, Janice! I'll suck your dick, Janice!" For God's fucking sake, Marcie.

I cannot even talk about that shit with Spencer and the truth serum and his Hulk flashback. That will wait for another time. "Pretty Blair have pretty yellow hair! Why hair so yellow, Blair? Blair betray me! Roots chemically altered! Why executive producer make Blair stay too yellow? Spencer smash executive producer!" Spencer is angry, y'all! He's the Juggernaut, he's ready to fuck, he's born ready! His theme song is "Act A Fool" and he's about to wild out and throw a chair at your ass! Run, bitches, run!

Yeah, I am so off the game. I am sorry I have been gone so long. I will try to get into a semi-regular schedule. That is, when I am not working myself to death. Vultures! Vultures!

I would like everyone to note that the 'elephant in the room' phrase is so not a fat joke.


Smart Alec said...

I hate Marcie. I hate Marcie & Michael. I don't give a shit about them and I can't understand why they're so popular. I think that's the only opinion of mine that is shared by Brian Frons. *shudder*. I also hate Evangeline, but in all of the above mentioned hatred cases none have anything to do with what the actresses look like/their background and everything to do with acting and story. In the last month I've gone from OL to ATWT to Days and now I'm watching Y&R b/c at least the writing is coherent, and Phyllis is a fairly strong female character. I can't name one strong female character on OL. Yes, many viewers would site Evangeline but I disagree. And I wrote a novel...

jase said...

I used to just love Marcie. And I liked Marcie and Al quite a bit even if I thought NM was badly miscast in that role. But Marcie and Michael has always come off as lazy pandering to me. There's no STORY there and I think it's just dragged KB down. People now KNOW Marcie and Michael will be together always as "the fat/normal people," they KNOW their storylines will be uninteresting and saccharine, and so no one cares. Kathy Brier deserves better than that, IMHO, but with all this tripe they give her I think her skills have fallen off.

Smart Alec said...

I'm sure KB is a good actress, but I feel like she mugs for the camera, and everything's very exaggerated (perhaps b/c of her theatre background?) - eyes bugging, arms waving, big voice. I don't care for NM at all in this role... he's always just shy of getting somewhere interesting with Michael and then there's a cut to John or someone else. Characters are too "set" in peer groups. If I could see NM or even KB interact with other characters on the canvass for more than a nanoseceond, such as Dorian, Blair, Clint, Kevin etc., then maybe I could become interested.

Todd is another story. I don't get it! I've found it really hard to get into the recast, but now the story has completely lost me. Original!recipe Todd would have only interacted with Evangeline to manipulate her to his advantage, he would have never had a hard-on for her. She doesn't have enought street-smarts or if they are going for a Rebecca-like attraction, she doesn't have enough humility to pull off that kind of adoration for him. It's like bizzaro Todd.