Y&R - Friday - Von Trapped

As much as I don't like Sharon and the pangs of indifference I feel towards Nick I can't help but be on her side. Why don't Nick and Phyllis just build a gingerbread house next to the cabin? They can have a dozen children, name them Hanzel 1 through 6 and Gretel 7 through 12. And then Phyllis can have them help her do laundry as she sings songs from The Sound of Music. Julie Andrews can guest star as Phyllis' mom! Think of the ratings! Oh my God, Nick and Phyllis are the best thing to happen to this show in forever!

They could have an ARMY OF LITTLE BASTARDS! THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Phyllis?
You knock her up with a Newman Spawn!

Phyllis: Hanzel's 1,2,3,4, 5 and 6! Gretel's 7,8,9,10,11 and 12! Supper's READY! Lala!
Hanzel 4: Oh mother, you know that I do not eat things of green! Out, out I say!
Phyllis: I'm sorry, dear. I'll throw this away!
Gretel 11: Mother, I shant call you mother anymore!
Phyllis: Oh darling, why not?
Gretel 11: Because filthy whore rolls off the tongue even better! Filthy whore!
Phyllis: So precocious! Oh children, I've a song for you before we have supper!
Hanzel 1,2,3,4, 5,6 & Gretel 7,8,9,10,11,12: Oh bother!

Doe, what you say after watching this show
Ray, the light that Victor sees
Me, the only word Glo ho can say
Fa, where she needs to go
Sew, what if Dru lied?
La, the noise I repeat when Neil starts to speak
Tea, the only thing ClackClack can make
That will bring us back to Zapato!

Hanzel 1,2,3,4, 5,6 & Gretel 7,8,9,10,11,12: That doesn't even rhyme, what a waste of time!
Phyllis: Oh bother.

Aren't the dead supposed to see everything? Past, present, future? Well, John should see his hellcat of a wife sabotaging his company and his son with her treachery. Treachery! Treachery! Suddenly I feel like an old woman making stabbing motions with her hands. And I don't know why.

I find this whole thing contrived, NO WAY does Jack think, even in his subconscious that Gloria deserves respect. For fuck's sake. And Michael can suck a donkey. He knows his shrew of a mother has no soul. He knows this. Why are they doing this to him? This is wildly out of character for him.

And not that it matters in the least but Ashley was looking a hot mess Friday. Like, on purpose. Sad.

I adore when Dru talks in third person. "Dru is not havin' it. Dru is pouring coffee. Dru is sitting down. Dru is tired. Dru needs rest. Dru is napping." I'd buy that on DVD.

There are rumors about that Jeanne Cooper might be on the chopping block. Let's step back and contemplate this. Jeanne Cooper is not someone you want to fire. Because I believe, with no trace of sarcasm, that she could kick everyone's ass. And by everyone I mean the world. And by the world I mean you. I've only ever watched her on the picture box and she's only about 8 inches tall on there and I still hide behind my couch when she comes onscreen. Because her asskicking ability radiates off the screen. I'm just saying how I feel.

Jeanne: He only speaks the truth.

Y&R - Hatravanganza!

You are cordially invited to the EVENT OF THE SEASON!

DRUCILLA BARBER-WINTERS
Proudly Presents
HatHeadpiecextravaganza!

Welcome, welcome! So many happy faces, SOOOOOOOOO many beautiful people! Bienvenue ! Je suis si heureux de vous voir tout sauf moi parie que vous êtes plus heureux de me voir !

What is a Drucilla Barber Winters Event without some costume changes? It's merely a party is what it is!

Dru: I just found out that I'm 1/8th Brazilian! Embrace!

Dru: Some days you just wake up feeling like a gazelle! I feel like a gazelle! Gazelles are fab! I'm opening a zoo and it is gonna be fierce!

Dru: But you know, you KNOW, I question things. In my mind. Like "What does this particular headpiece say about me?" I call them "headpieces" because "hats" are an indignity you give to baseball caps! This is a part of my soul, you betta recognize, sucka!

Dru: Now I feel like a bird! And that is my perogative! I do what I wanna do!

This is the part of our program where Drucilla re-enacts the "bark like a dog" scene from Coming To America.






Thank you.

Luckily someone spared Dru from being the craziest person at the gala!



Sharon: YES, YES, YES, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!


Sharon: I LOOOOOVE HATS! But I THINK that THEY love ME EVEN MOOOORE! At night, when I sleep, in my bed, they SPRINKLE me with BATH SALTS! I DON'T KNOW WHHHHY BUT THEY DO AND I ENJOY IT! HATS bring ME, Sharon STONE, endless, ENDLESS JOY AND FEAR!
Dru: Oh no I did not invite this, I did not.

Victor: I make Zapato wear hats! ItisveryfunnywhenImakehimwearhats! He whine and he whine and he bites me andIbleedalittle but he look so cute withhishatonhishead!

Nikki: That damn dog!
Dru: Zapato! My new line of headpieces for canines! Genius!
Nikki: That goddamn dog, I kick it when he's not watching. Best 3 seconds of my day.
Dru: I won't tolerate that kind of talk, I'm opening a zoo!

Y&R - I'm a Bad Dad

I feel awful. On Monday I only got 15 minutes of the show, on Tuesday I got no show, on Wednesday I got the show BUT have no internet at my house because of punk ass bitch Ernesto. Maybe the internet will be back today, I don't know, maybe, hopefully. If it is I have something planned for the weekend centered around Dru with her LovelyLadyLumps.

I HOPE Jase's pics of a shirtless, sweaty, speedo-ed Dan Gauthier have eased your pain (surely the lack of updates has caused you pain, right? Shut up, Darn).

So don't abandon me because nature hates Florida! Pleaseandthankyou.

OLTL - Dan Gauthier: Greco-Roman Ideal or God Made Flesh? SAVE HIM!

Hi there, folks. Dan Gauthier's White Speedo here. You may know me from such work as this photo. I've come to rap with you kids today to discuss a pressing matter of great urgency. No, it's not about me - my time is gone now. It's all cheapo European work for me, and the men are usually sweaty French bears. It's about my buddy Dan. Look at him up there. So resolute. Eyes like an eagle. Basket of a Spanish racing horse! Mmmmm, sooky sooky now.

Ahem. Anyway, as I was saying...this is about my old pal, Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. Dan, my friend! We've had many great adventures together! It's too late for me...but not for you! Not for you! Not if you folks out there help. You see, ABC Daytime has...fired Our Dan.

RADIOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know, y'all. I know! I know!!

But here's where we draw the line. For Dan. For Teen Witch. For that skin flick he did. For Melrose Place. And for Kevin, y'all. You see, there is something you can do, if you listen to your old buddy White Speedo. First of all, you can go to the Campaign for Kevin website and follow all the crazy instructions. Secondly, you can email Brian Frons and Frank Valentini directly at brian.frons@abc.com and frank.valentini@abc.com. Heck, you could even try their boss at anne.x.sweeney@abc.com. And call the official One Life to Live phone comment line at 212-456-3338 and put the motherfuckers on blast! Tell them White Speedo sent you! Don't call or write just once, either! Repetition is important! Stalk the motherfuckers! Play it like a bill collector! Day after day! All night long, like Vince Vaughn, like Lionel Ritchie! Heed White Speedo! Save Dan! Remember the Alamo! Surrender Dorothy!

The remainder of Dan's clothes are depending on you.

Y&R - Monday - Tropical Storm Ernie

This is a short one.

Bastard.

Due to Hurricane Tropical Storm Ernesto I didn't get all of today's episode.

BUUUUUUUUT what I did see was OR-FUCKING-GASMIC!

I'm with Victor, fuck apples! Pop, pop! Haha! With their...skin and their...insides. Always acting better than oranges. So high and mighty. You're no better than anyone else.


I'm sure Sharon was upset that Victor was taking over her Resident Newman Nutjob position. Can't share the limelight, can you, Scarecrow?

John "Jack" Abbott, Jr. is Love. John "Jack" Abbott, Jr. is Ghetto. Trash bags (Gloria's bags of animal...print...I bet she skins a tiger every morning "I can AFFORD it NOW that I am MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, CAN'T I JOOOOOHN?!")? That is beautiful and brilliant and my Jack love is undying. UNDYING. The key dangling? Let's go to Canada and get married and then in the future they can splice our DNA and we can have biracial babies with fantastic hair and typing skills! Think of it, Jack, think of the possibilities!

The manipulation of John could have turned Jack into the villain in this story, could have completely turned us against him and had us (and by "us" I mean "me", I only speak for myself) begrudgeoningly go to her side and I think that was attempted, however Peter Bergman's performance saved what is a questionable plot point. Jack having his mentally incapacitated father write a will that leaves out his wife? On paper that's fairly horrifying. In performance and direction? Near brilliance.

I've never seen an actor on a soap with so many Emmy worthy performances. Is PB doesn't win there is no justice. No justice! No peace! No justice! No peace!