Jan 30, 2007

OLTL - Jarn vs. Llanview

Jarn, coming atcha once again with our real time observations of today's One Life To Live. It's half as thrilling as it sounds! Read on!

Darn : Look at Natalie, obstructing justice for Pizzaface.

Jase : I call him Krang.

Darn : Why hasn't Melissa Archer moved on?

Jase : Todd, Todd. That's right, Bo, I have no emotions, I can no longer act, look at me.

Jase : This will be the first episode I have watched in like two months.

Darn : Rex has stupid hair.

Jase : Pad the pad the pad the show. Let's talk and talk in circles about obvious things.

Darn : Yeah, Rex, way to be a dumbass. I don't like Rex but he's more clever than this.

Darn : This is exactly how the ended their last scene and their tag yesterday.

Jase : "You picked up the murder weapon." "Did I?" "Well, did you pick it up?" "Did I pick up the murder weapon?" "Yes, did you, because if you did - " "Does that mean I'm in trouble?" "What do you think?" "Yes?" "Yes!" End of scene.

Darn : Round and round we goes.

Jase : Cole: Corbin Fisher model.

Jase : Time for another line about how Marty is just mad because of What Todd Did To Her In College.

Darn : Yep, she's such a grudge holder.

Jase : Another circular scene. "Did you do anything wrong?" "No, we didn't!"

Jase : "You did something totally wrong!" "Did we? No!"

Darn : They say so much yet absolutely nothing.

Jase : This is why I stopped watching, it's all static like this, it all sounds the same, you don't even have to listen.

Darn : I'm sorry but it bugs me that Marty is suddenly Latina.

Darn : Blair did it.

Jase : No.

Darn : Sure, why not?

Jase : I love how Antonio entered all Lionel Ritchie. "HELLO. IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FORRRR."

Darn : "Hi, I'm Paige, I'm COMPLETELY useless!"

Darn : I remember the good old days, when Assholio was the character I hated most on this show.

Jase : The abrupt edgy cut...that they now use at EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Jase : You know it's bad when Antonio is becoming tolerable again.

Jase : Wait, let's predict Blair and Antonio's next scene. "Spencer...Spencer's dead?"

Darn : "Yes, he was murdered, Blair."

Jase : "Murdered? Oh my God!"

Darn : "I know you were unconscious but if there's anything you can tell us about what happened tonight..."

Jase : "And you...you think I...you think I know who...who did it?"

Darn : "We just need a timeline, an idea of what happened and we need to get it while it's still fresh in your mind."

Jase : "A timeline? A timeline of what happened?"

Darn : "Yes, we need you to help us figured out what happened, an idea of what occured earlier today."

Jase : "Of what happened?" Antonio: "Yes, Blair, do you know what happened?"

Jase : That's how you get dressed for work, ponytail.

Darn : Ponytail and tits out.

Jase : THERE YOU GO!

Jase : I told you there would be another line about Marty and Todd.

Darn : Paige reminds me of a retired porn star.

Jase : Haha, she does look like Ginger Lynn Allen.

Jase : Close, though, she WAS on Texas.

Jase : CIRCULAR DIALOGUE. "No, I am not kidding you."

Darn : I like how Trevor St. John just doesn't show up for work.

Jase : Seriously.

Jase : More Rex and Bo. "But you picked up the murder weapon!"

Darn : OMG, Bo and Rex are gonna have the same scene all day.

Jase : "So you picked up the murder weapon."

Darn : "You need a lawyer!" "I didn't do it!" "You need counsel!" "I didn't kill him!" "You need an attorney!" "I didn't kill Spencer!" "You need someone with a law degree!"

Jase : "I know you didn't kill Spencer Truman, but let's still have a long conversation about how you obviously did!"

Jase : What the FUCK is Marcie wearing.

Jase : Marcie, don't try to breastfeed that baby.

Darn : First of all, you have no milk.

Jase : Roxy's gay bordello.

Darn : Okay, that made me laugh.

Jase : Why do they still live here with their child.

Darn : Is this a hotel?

Darn : Who are they hiding John from?

Jase : It's Nigel and Roxy's "Bachelor Hotel" slash apartment building, Michael and Marcie and John and Natalie all live there.

Jase : It's like a fucking slum.

Darn : Why is Michael Easton still here, doing nothing?

Jase : I think John is a suspect in the Spencer blah blah.

Darn : Bachelor Hotel? Bath house?

Jase : Yeah, exactly.

Jase : It is the ugliest fucking set.

Jase : John loping up the stairs like a goddamn hunchback.

Jase : Marcie has lube on the dresser.

Darn : John, Elephant Man.

Jase : Haha, I'm Todd, no matter what's going on I am still going to grin and chuckle!

Jase : He has gone so off the rails. He treats EVERYTHING casual now.

Darn : BO AND REX, BRAND NEW MATERIAL!

Jase : Bo and Rex: Covering Each Other's Backs. With oil.

Jase : Was that a sentence?

Jase : THIS IS SO STUPID.

Jase : "We all know I didn't do it and it can quickly be obviously proven I did not, and I have no idea who did, but arrest me."

Jase : Detective Eighthead has spoken.

Darn : I swear, she's Margaret's sister.

Darn : SHE SAID DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

Jase : Oh God no, Spencer's jacket was doublebreasted.

Darn : All of these slams to black.

Jase : IT'S INTENSE AND EDGY.

Darn : OLTL is not Lost.

Jase : YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THE KIDS LOVE THAT.

Darn : IT MAKES ME SO EXCIIIITED FOR THE NEXT SCENE!

Jase : OMFGZ I AM TXTING ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THAT SCENE!!!

Darn : LOLZ!

Jase : I WANT TO BLINK BUT I AM AFRAID THE SHOW WILL COME BACK!

Jase : HELP ME DARNELL, HELP ME BLINK!

Jase : UNNH UNNH!

Darn : MOISTURIZE YOUR SITUATION!

Jase : WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT GAY?!

Darn : THAT'S NOT GAY, THAT DIDDY!

Jase : DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S IDENTITY THEFT, THEY STOLE CLAY'S IDENTITY AND THEN WENT LOOKING FOR MEN WITH HIS PICTURE!

Darn : Okay, maybe it's a little gay.

Darn : CLAY IS STRAIGHT, HIS DICK IS ALWAYS IN A VAGINA!

Darn : HE JUST DOESN'T ADVERTISE IT, HE HAS RESPECT FOR HIS WOMENS!

Jase : I BET IT'S IN ONE RIGHT NOW!

Jase : Oh, I love these Barilla ads.

Jase : OOOHHH OOOOOHHH PASTAAAA

Darn : AND I BET SHE'S IN XXXTASY!

Darn : XXXTASCY!

Jase : Nice.

Jase : Watch, I guarantee you, at the end of the show, Antonio will finally get around to asking Blair if she saw who killed Spencer.

Darn : And that'll be the tag.

Jase : STOOPID NATALIE, CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, HAHA STOOPID

Jase : I hate you, Higley.

Darn : Has anything happened today?

Darn : What is she looking at?

Jase : I don't even know. Fibers.

Darn : To keep him regular.

Jase : Michael is angry because Marcie isn't allowed to leave the apartment.

Jase : "Do you have any idea how bad this looks for you, Balsom?"

Darn : This scene has been going on forever.

Jase : "Please take me down to the station and hold me over, Bo."

Jase : "I know you mean well, Rex." "I am just a bad boy trying to be good."

Jase : He forgot to ask why he was holding those scissors again.

Jase : "Thanks for the information, Starr, time to grin again!"

Jase : Fucking Todd.

Jase : "It's a lark, this show is a lark, haha, good times, alright, seriously, seriously, I'm, I'm being real, yeah, heh, is, heh, is Blair okay?"

Darn : Todd: Gotta dance! Gooootta dance! Gotta daaaaaaance!

Darn : jazz hands!

Darn : Cause he's so fucking joyous all the time.

Jase : OMFG COLE SAID HE IS GLAD SPENCER IS DEAD!

Jase : THAT DEFINITELY WARRANTS A SHOCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Darn : O M G SLAM CUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

Jase : WILL MARTY TELL HIM NOT TO SAY IT AGAIN, AGAIN?

Jase : I CAN'T BREATHE! I CANT BR -- I

Darn : OH NOES WILL BO ARREST REX?!

Jase : ACK

Jase : NEED PAPER BAG

Jase : PAPER BAG

Jase : ASPHYXIATING

Jase : hlpm

Jase : HOCK

Jase : OKAY.

Darn : I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS OMG COLE IS SOOOO CUTE

Darn : I THINK HE REALLY IS HAPPY ABOUT SPENCER BEING DEAD BUT HE'S SO CUUUTE!

Jase : This episode has all the nailbiting tension of a Cosby Show family ruse on Theo.

Jase : All they need to do is bring in Clair to sew this shit up, it's done.

Darn : Oooh, can I play Cockroach?

Jase : Rex will NEVAH go to see Big Fun again.

Jase : Er, The Wreckage.

Jase : FOR Big Fun.

Jase : Michael, buy your family a goddamn house.

Jase : All your neighbors are clubhopping sodomites!

Jase : Well, I am a sodomite but I don't clubhop.

Darn : They're gonna gay your son.

Darn : He's gonna be gayed right in the gay.

Jase : "I won't ask you if you killed him, John, just assume you will, and talk about it in veiled terms that are not necessary if we are alone together."

Jase : "I agree, Mike, let's do it."

Jase : "I gotta go home...down the hall."

Darn : "It's all over." "Yeah, it's ALL over." "This will be different now." "Forever" "Definitely different forever." "Never the same." "Ever".

Jase : "But how will it ever be the same, John?"

Darn : What did Michael do exactly except get your Klingon ass home?

Jase : WHY would Paige ask this question?

Darn : WTF does Paige know about court?

Jase : Please, you established Blair was lucid at 2:05!

Darn : Didn't Paige say it was okay to ask questions earlier in theie scenes?

Jase : "Can I grin now?"

Darn : SERIOUSLY!

Jase : There Todd goes again. "Did he rape Blair, Paige? Ha!"

Darn : Only the cool cops wear their badges around their necks.

Jase : Repeat all the family connections, Rex, I forgot them.

Jase : THIS IS THE SAME DIALOGUE AGAIN!

Jase : OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Darn : Rex: I'm dirty, Bo. Make me clean. Make me feel goood, I wanna feel good, Bo.

Jase : BO YOU HAVE ASKED THIS EIGHT TIMES IN THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES!

Darn : 50 minutes of this show, the SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND RESPONSES.

Jase : "WHY WERE YOU HOLDING THOSE SCISSORS?!"

Jase : "I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD FOR ME BO!"

Jase : "IT LOOKS SO BAD FOR YOU!"

Darn : Why is Natalie allowed to hover over the body?

Jase : Eighthead will have to shoot that cop for failure.

Jase : Natalie hides the evidence inside her tits.

Darn : No, trainees don't show up announced because they would get kicked the fuck out.

Jase : "I always like to take matters into my own hands. I am Matter-Eater...Lass."

Jase : I predict that Bo will again ask Rex about what he was doing there with the scissors.

Jase : Rex answered him fifteen minutes ago.

Darn : I predict Rex will not explain himself and instead ask to be arrested.

Jase : I predict that Bo will throw up his hands and be forced to arrest Rex.

Jase : It's like we know the future.

Jase : What can we do with the burden of this godlike power?

Darn : I predict they will proceed to have violent yet consensual buttsex.

Darn : My visions are hazy.

Jase : Yes, that comes next week, you see, they spend the rest of the week asking each other if they're ready to do it.

Darn : Friday: Bo asks Rex if they should use a condom.

Jase : Monday: Rex is willing to be fucked raw by Bo's braut.

Darn : March: Rex isn't sure about the condom.

Jase : May: Bo penetrates Rex but pulls out at the first sign of pain.

Jase : September: Bo tries again.

Darn : June '08: Bo and Rex decide that two thrusts is plenty.

Jase : November: Blair remembers that she was in the room when Spencer died.

Jase : Todd comes off like he is on the chronic. I'm just saying.

Darn : December : Paige reminds Antonio that he can question Blair.

Jase : "Haha, it's funny, Starr!"

Jase : NO SHE SAID SHE DID NOT KNOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Jase : IT WAS CLEAR BLAIR DID NOT KNOW AT 2:10.

Darn : Oh, god, we finally got an answer. It only took 60 minutes.

Jase : YES, WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM DOWN TO THE STATION!

Jase : YOU'VE ONLY SAID IT EIGHTEEN TIMES!

Darn : "I know that you know."

Jase : It's like Rain Man wrote the show.

Darn : THEY CAN HEAR US JASON!

Jase : "I am gonna wring your neck. And then your asshole."

Darn : Wow, they took all damn day to get to that point.

Darn : Michael is Clark Kent.

Jase : How can people write like this? Seriously, we tried working off breakdowns once and we were able to do it better than that.

Jase : How can people write scenes like this and be like, "well, mission accomplished."

Darn : Much, it wasn't all ring around the collar.

Darn : The rosie, whatever.

Jase : Sleeping together, Marcie, without you, that's what John and I will be doing.

Darn : I thought he was gonna say "I have a feeling that John and I are gonna be sleeping togther."

Darn : LIKE DAT!

Jase : Natalie returns home to her incredibly nasty, unattractive, emotionally cold man.

Darn : John looks like refried shit.

Jase : He looks so fucking awful and acts so horrible and yet they still treat him like HRO OF SHOW.

Darn : He's like if Wolverine went on a crack binge.

Jase : Natalie's face screams "my marriage to Anthony Quinn, meth addict."

Darn : IS SHE KEEPING THE EVIDENCE?

Jase : She took his pubes from the crime scene!

Darn : John just had to masturbate on Spencer, to prove his dominence.

Darn : Oh, thank God, it's over.

Jase : Jesus that was awful.

Jase : I ain't coming back.

Jase : Well, maybe for a few more of those with you, but other than that.

Darn : That was like watching one segment on a loop.

Darn : Nothing happened. Nothing.

Jase : I'm saying, that's why I left, you didn't have to pay attention to the show to know the dialogue.

Jase : It's just, how can they do scenes like that, and be like, "well, I believe I performed my duty as a dialogue writer to the best of my ability and that this was a gripping hour of daytime television."

Darn : That's my question to ALL of daytime.

Jase : You know what, I understand the nature of soaps and all that, and you have to constantly refeed certain exposition and points and stagger out the scenes in accordance with a daily serial, but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE AMATEURISH.

Jase : That was amateurish. It was just, it's been like this for at least a year, it's so glaringly amateurish and repetitive and scenes go on and on and say the same things five different ways, and the viewer ALWAYS knows where it will end up.

Jase : I shouldn't KNOW where it will end up.

Darn : Seriously.

Darn : And even if you DO know the journey should be worth it.

Jase : I knew when I turned it on that Blair and Antonio would not be done talking by the end of the hour.

Jase : Just sad.

5 comments:

kia said...

What does it say about me if I read all of that? I totally didn't, but what if...

Darn - thewreckcenter@aol.com said...

I'm surprised anyone would even try. I was part of the conversation and even I don't want to read it. We're nothing if not long-winded.

Promising Ingenue said...

That was awesome. I don't watch One Life, but that made me cackle.

(By the way--eeee! Your comment on my blog made my day. You are like TWoP Soap Royalty! I'm adding a link over here)

Darn said...

Awww, thanks so much! Soap blogger lovefest! As long as soaps stay bad we'll never run out of things to write about, right?

Sigh.

Anika said...

OMG! I haven't watched OLTL in ages and I almost died laughing at this post. Thanks for reaffirming my decision to quit.