OLTL - Jarn vs. Llanview

Jarn, coming atcha once again with our real time observations of today's One Life To Live. It's half as thrilling as it sounds! Read on!

Darn : Look at Natalie, obstructing justice for Pizzaface.

Jase : I call him Krang.

Darn : Why hasn't Melissa Archer moved on?

Jase : Todd, Todd. That's right, Bo, I have no emotions, I can no longer act, look at me.

Jase : This will be the first episode I have watched in like two months.

Darn : Rex has stupid hair.

Jase : Pad the pad the pad the show. Let's talk and talk in circles about obvious things.

Darn : Yeah, Rex, way to be a dumbass. I don't like Rex but he's more clever than this.

Darn : This is exactly how the ended their last scene and their tag yesterday.

Jase : "You picked up the murder weapon." "Did I?" "Well, did you pick it up?" "Did I pick up the murder weapon?" "Yes, did you, because if you did - " "Does that mean I'm in trouble?" "What do you think?" "Yes?" "Yes!" End of scene.

Darn : Round and round we goes.

Jase : Cole: Corbin Fisher model.

Jase : Time for another line about how Marty is just mad because of What Todd Did To Her In College.

Darn : Yep, she's such a grudge holder.

Jase : Another circular scene. "Did you do anything wrong?" "No, we didn't!"

Jase : "You did something totally wrong!" "Did we? No!"

Darn : They say so much yet absolutely nothing.

Jase : This is why I stopped watching, it's all static like this, it all sounds the same, you don't even have to listen.

Darn : I'm sorry but it bugs me that Marty is suddenly Latina.

Darn : Blair did it.

Jase : No.

Darn : Sure, why not?

Jase : I love how Antonio entered all Lionel Ritchie. "HELLO. IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FORRRR."

Darn : "Hi, I'm Paige, I'm COMPLETELY useless!"

Darn : I remember the good old days, when Assholio was the character I hated most on this show.

Jase : The abrupt edgy cut...that they now use at EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Jase : You know it's bad when Antonio is becoming tolerable again.

Jase : Wait, let's predict Blair and Antonio's next scene. "Spencer...Spencer's dead?"

Darn : "Yes, he was murdered, Blair."

Jase : "Murdered? Oh my God!"

Darn : "I know you were unconscious but if there's anything you can tell us about what happened tonight..."

Jase : "And you...you think I...you think I know who...who did it?"

Darn : "We just need a timeline, an idea of what happened and we need to get it while it's still fresh in your mind."

Jase : "A timeline? A timeline of what happened?"

Darn : "Yes, we need you to help us figured out what happened, an idea of what occured earlier today."

Jase : "Of what happened?" Antonio: "Yes, Blair, do you know what happened?"

Jase : That's how you get dressed for work, ponytail.

Darn : Ponytail and tits out.

Jase : THERE YOU GO!

Jase : I told you there would be another line about Marty and Todd.

Darn : Paige reminds me of a retired porn star.

Jase : Haha, she does look like Ginger Lynn Allen.

Jase : Close, though, she WAS on Texas.

Jase : CIRCULAR DIALOGUE. "No, I am not kidding you."

Darn : I like how Trevor St. John just doesn't show up for work.

Jase : Seriously.

Jase : More Rex and Bo. "But you picked up the murder weapon!"

Darn : OMG, Bo and Rex are gonna have the same scene all day.

Jase : "So you picked up the murder weapon."

Darn : "You need a lawyer!" "I didn't do it!" "You need counsel!" "I didn't kill him!" "You need an attorney!" "I didn't kill Spencer!" "You need someone with a law degree!"

Jase : "I know you didn't kill Spencer Truman, but let's still have a long conversation about how you obviously did!"

Jase : What the FUCK is Marcie wearing.

Jase : Marcie, don't try to breastfeed that baby.

Darn : First of all, you have no milk.

Jase : Roxy's gay bordello.

Darn : Okay, that made me laugh.

Jase : Why do they still live here with their child.

Darn : Is this a hotel?

Darn : Who are they hiding John from?

Jase : It's Nigel and Roxy's "Bachelor Hotel" slash apartment building, Michael and Marcie and John and Natalie all live there.

Jase : It's like a fucking slum.

Darn : Why is Michael Easton still here, doing nothing?

Jase : I think John is a suspect in the Spencer blah blah.

Darn : Bachelor Hotel? Bath house?

Jase : Yeah, exactly.

Jase : It is the ugliest fucking set.

Jase : John loping up the stairs like a goddamn hunchback.

Jase : Marcie has lube on the dresser.

Darn : John, Elephant Man.

Jase : Haha, I'm Todd, no matter what's going on I am still going to grin and chuckle!

Jase : He has gone so off the rails. He treats EVERYTHING casual now.

Darn : BO AND REX, BRAND NEW MATERIAL!

Jase : Bo and Rex: Covering Each Other's Backs. With oil.

Jase : Was that a sentence?

Jase : THIS IS SO STUPID.

Jase : "We all know I didn't do it and it can quickly be obviously proven I did not, and I have no idea who did, but arrest me."

Jase : Detective Eighthead has spoken.

Darn : I swear, she's Margaret's sister.

Darn : SHE SAID DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

Jase : Oh God no, Spencer's jacket was doublebreasted.

Darn : All of these slams to black.

Jase : IT'S INTENSE AND EDGY.

Darn : OLTL is not Lost.

Jase : YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THE KIDS LOVE THAT.

Darn : IT MAKES ME SO EXCIIIITED FOR THE NEXT SCENE!

Jase : OMFGZ I AM TXTING ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THAT SCENE!!!

Darn : LOLZ!

Jase : I WANT TO BLINK BUT I AM AFRAID THE SHOW WILL COME BACK!

Jase : HELP ME DARNELL, HELP ME BLINK!

Jase : UNNH UNNH!

Darn : MOISTURIZE YOUR SITUATION!

Jase : WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT GAY?!

Darn : THAT'S NOT GAY, THAT DIDDY!

Jase : DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S IDENTITY THEFT, THEY STOLE CLAY'S IDENTITY AND THEN WENT LOOKING FOR MEN WITH HIS PICTURE!

Darn : Okay, maybe it's a little gay.

Darn : CLAY IS STRAIGHT, HIS DICK IS ALWAYS IN A VAGINA!

Darn : HE JUST DOESN'T ADVERTISE IT, HE HAS RESPECT FOR HIS WOMENS!

Jase : I BET IT'S IN ONE RIGHT NOW!

Jase : Oh, I love these Barilla ads.

Jase : OOOHHH OOOOOHHH PASTAAAA

Darn : AND I BET SHE'S IN XXXTASY!

Darn : XXXTASCY!

Jase : Nice.

Jase : Watch, I guarantee you, at the end of the show, Antonio will finally get around to asking Blair if she saw who killed Spencer.

Darn : And that'll be the tag.

Jase : STOOPID NATALIE, CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, HAHA STOOPID

Jase : I hate you, Higley.

Darn : Has anything happened today?

Darn : What is she looking at?

Jase : I don't even know. Fibers.

Darn : To keep him regular.

Jase : Michael is angry because Marcie isn't allowed to leave the apartment.

Jase : "Do you have any idea how bad this looks for you, Balsom?"

Darn : This scene has been going on forever.

Jase : "Please take me down to the station and hold me over, Bo."

Jase : "I know you mean well, Rex." "I am just a bad boy trying to be good."

Jase : He forgot to ask why he was holding those scissors again.

Jase : "Thanks for the information, Starr, time to grin again!"

Jase : Fucking Todd.

Jase : "It's a lark, this show is a lark, haha, good times, alright, seriously, seriously, I'm, I'm being real, yeah, heh, is, heh, is Blair okay?"

Darn : Todd: Gotta dance! Gooootta dance! Gotta daaaaaaance!

Darn : jazz hands!

Darn : Cause he's so fucking joyous all the time.

Jase : OMFG COLE SAID HE IS GLAD SPENCER IS DEAD!

Jase : THAT DEFINITELY WARRANTS A SHOCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Darn : O M G SLAM CUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!

Jase : WILL MARTY TELL HIM NOT TO SAY IT AGAIN, AGAIN?

Jase : I CAN'T BREATHE! I CANT BR -- I

Darn : OH NOES WILL BO ARREST REX?!

Jase : ACK

Jase : NEED PAPER BAG

Jase : PAPER BAG

Jase : ASPHYXIATING

Jase : hlpm

Jase : HOCK

Jase : OKAY.

Darn : I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS OMG COLE IS SOOOO CUTE

Darn : I THINK HE REALLY IS HAPPY ABOUT SPENCER BEING DEAD BUT HE'S SO CUUUTE!

Jase : This episode has all the nailbiting tension of a Cosby Show family ruse on Theo.

Jase : All they need to do is bring in Clair to sew this shit up, it's done.

Darn : Oooh, can I play Cockroach?

Jase : Rex will NEVAH go to see Big Fun again.

Jase : Er, The Wreckage.

Jase : FOR Big Fun.

Jase : Michael, buy your family a goddamn house.

Jase : All your neighbors are clubhopping sodomites!

Jase : Well, I am a sodomite but I don't clubhop.

Darn : They're gonna gay your son.

Darn : He's gonna be gayed right in the gay.

Jase : "I won't ask you if you killed him, John, just assume you will, and talk about it in veiled terms that are not necessary if we are alone together."

Jase : "I agree, Mike, let's do it."

Jase : "I gotta go home...down the hall."

Darn : "It's all over." "Yeah, it's ALL over." "This will be different now." "Forever" "Definitely different forever." "Never the same." "Ever".

Jase : "But how will it ever be the same, John?"

Darn : What did Michael do exactly except get your Klingon ass home?

Jase : WHY would Paige ask this question?

Darn : WTF does Paige know about court?

Jase : Please, you established Blair was lucid at 2:05!

Darn : Didn't Paige say it was okay to ask questions earlier in theie scenes?

Jase : "Can I grin now?"

Darn : SERIOUSLY!

Jase : There Todd goes again. "Did he rape Blair, Paige? Ha!"

Darn : Only the cool cops wear their badges around their necks.

Jase : Repeat all the family connections, Rex, I forgot them.

Jase : THIS IS THE SAME DIALOGUE AGAIN!

Jase : OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Darn : Rex: I'm dirty, Bo. Make me clean. Make me feel goood, I wanna feel good, Bo.

Jase : BO YOU HAVE ASKED THIS EIGHT TIMES IN THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES!

Darn : 50 minutes of this show, the SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND RESPONSES.

Jase : "WHY WERE YOU HOLDING THOSE SCISSORS?!"

Jase : "I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD FOR ME BO!"

Jase : "IT LOOKS SO BAD FOR YOU!"

Darn : Why is Natalie allowed to hover over the body?

Jase : Eighthead will have to shoot that cop for failure.

Jase : Natalie hides the evidence inside her tits.

Darn : No, trainees don't show up announced because they would get kicked the fuck out.

Jase : "I always like to take matters into my own hands. I am Matter-Eater...Lass."

Jase : I predict that Bo will again ask Rex about what he was doing there with the scissors.

Jase : Rex answered him fifteen minutes ago.

Darn : I predict Rex will not explain himself and instead ask to be arrested.

Jase : I predict that Bo will throw up his hands and be forced to arrest Rex.

Jase : It's like we know the future.

Jase : What can we do with the burden of this godlike power?

Darn : I predict they will proceed to have violent yet consensual buttsex.

Darn : My visions are hazy.

Jase : Yes, that comes next week, you see, they spend the rest of the week asking each other if they're ready to do it.

Darn : Friday: Bo asks Rex if they should use a condom.

Jase : Monday: Rex is willing to be fucked raw by Bo's braut.

Darn : March: Rex isn't sure about the condom.

Jase : May: Bo penetrates Rex but pulls out at the first sign of pain.

Jase : September: Bo tries again.

Darn : June '08: Bo and Rex decide that two thrusts is plenty.

Jase : November: Blair remembers that she was in the room when Spencer died.

Jase : Todd comes off like he is on the chronic. I'm just saying.

Darn : December : Paige reminds Antonio that he can question Blair.

Jase : "Haha, it's funny, Starr!"

Jase : NO SHE SAID SHE DID NOT KNOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Jase : IT WAS CLEAR BLAIR DID NOT KNOW AT 2:10.

Darn : Oh, god, we finally got an answer. It only took 60 minutes.

Jase : YES, WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIM DOWN TO THE STATION!

Jase : YOU'VE ONLY SAID IT EIGHTEEN TIMES!

Darn : "I know that you know."

Jase : It's like Rain Man wrote the show.

Darn : THEY CAN HEAR US JASON!

Jase : "I am gonna wring your neck. And then your asshole."

Darn : Wow, they took all damn day to get to that point.

Darn : Michael is Clark Kent.

Jase : How can people write like this? Seriously, we tried working off breakdowns once and we were able to do it better than that.

Jase : How can people write scenes like this and be like, "well, mission accomplished."

Darn : Much, it wasn't all ring around the collar.

Darn : The rosie, whatever.

Jase : Sleeping together, Marcie, without you, that's what John and I will be doing.

Darn : I thought he was gonna say "I have a feeling that John and I are gonna be sleeping togther."

Darn : LIKE DAT!

Jase : Natalie returns home to her incredibly nasty, unattractive, emotionally cold man.

Darn : John looks like refried shit.

Jase : He looks so fucking awful and acts so horrible and yet they still treat him like HRO OF SHOW.

Darn : He's like if Wolverine went on a crack binge.

Jase : Natalie's face screams "my marriage to Anthony Quinn, meth addict."

Darn : IS SHE KEEPING THE EVIDENCE?

Jase : She took his pubes from the crime scene!

Darn : John just had to masturbate on Spencer, to prove his dominence.

Darn : Oh, thank God, it's over.

Jase : Jesus that was awful.

Jase : I ain't coming back.

Jase : Well, maybe for a few more of those with you, but other than that.

Darn : That was like watching one segment on a loop.

Darn : Nothing happened. Nothing.

Jase : I'm saying, that's why I left, you didn't have to pay attention to the show to know the dialogue.

Jase : It's just, how can they do scenes like that, and be like, "well, I believe I performed my duty as a dialogue writer to the best of my ability and that this was a gripping hour of daytime television."

Darn : That's my question to ALL of daytime.

Jase : You know what, I understand the nature of soaps and all that, and you have to constantly refeed certain exposition and points and stagger out the scenes in accordance with a daily serial, but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE AMATEURISH.

Jase : That was amateurish. It was just, it's been like this for at least a year, it's so glaringly amateurish and repetitive and scenes go on and on and say the same things five different ways, and the viewer ALWAYS knows where it will end up.

Jase : I shouldn't KNOW where it will end up.

Darn : Seriously.

Darn : And even if you DO know the journey should be worth it.

Jase : I knew when I turned it on that Blair and Antonio would not be done talking by the end of the hour.

Jase : Just sad.