Y&R - The Wiz

[Victor goes into seizures at the farm and is soon unconscious, he awakens in a place shrouded in darkness]

Victor: Hope...Hope, are you there?

[A voice in the darkness answers]

Naw, she ain't here.

Victor: Who, who is that?

Nunya.

Victor: Nunya, whoisthisNunya?

Nunya bizness! HAHA!

Victor: Where is Hope, what have you done with Hope?!

[A figure imerges through the overarching dark, he lumbers forward]

Rick James: Brother, you dead or high but that bitch ain't here!

Victor: RickJames? Didyounotdie?

Rick James: Maybe. Who wants to know? Don't touch me!

Victor: Iamsoconfused. LastIrecallIwasshuckingcornwithmybeautifulHope!

Rick James: You know the last thing I remember? Sniffing some pancake mix off a Mary Jane girl. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Victor: Idonottakedrugs!

Rick James: Yeah and I didn't stab that bitch 28 times, what's one got to do with the other? Listen man, listen. Listen. Listen. What was I saying?

Victor: Idon'tknow.

Rick James: Oh, yeah. I seen't your wife. She got some tig ole bitties. She keep swinging those titties around and Zapato's gonna take a bite. Lemme tell ya!

Victor: Zapato would never!

[Another voice calls out from the dark]

Rick! RIIIIICK! Rick, where you at?!

Rick James: Baby girl, I'm over here! Talking to this freak. Superfreaky! OW! Gotta let the kids know who I am, see?

Janis Joplin: Riiiiick, baby, you can't be leaving me all alone!

Rick James: Sorry, Janie but we got a visitor!

Janis: WHAT? WHO ARE YOU? YOU STAY AWAY! Woo! [Janis plops on the ground] Have a seat! What's your name? Where ya from? You got any money? YOU GOT ANY MONEY ON YA?!

Victor: I am soconfused.

Rick James: Janie, you sitting on my sandwich.

Janis: I DON'T EAT HAM! YOU KNOW I DON'T! I'M HUNGRY!

Rick James: NEITHER DO I! LET GO!

[The two proceed to tussle over a pastrami on rye]

Victor: I--Iwanttogohome.

Rick James: Sucker, you always had the power to go home. Have a hit. A hit of love. Naw, a hit of the pipe. Good shit! Mystical shit! Dalai said it was okay!

Victor: Icannotdodrugs!

Rick James: Bitch please, listen, listen, just say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home...".

Victor: There'snoplacelikeho--

[Rick knocks Victor in the head with a lead pipe, he falls to the ground unconscious yet again]

Rick James: He thought I meant drugs, old fool.

Janis: THIS IS A GOOD SANDWICH! WANT SOME?

Rick James: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Y&R - Thurs/Fri - Seizuirific

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, whatever, it's all a clusterfuck of ridiculous.

Jana: Blimey! Wha'tever are you doin' wit' that fellow?
Gloria: This--this is my illegitimate son. We were simply stripping his clothes in order run the proper DNA tests, which involve a full body scan. He's the product of an illicit affair during one of my numerous trips to Miami as a drug runner. I met a kind fisherman named Ricardo Tubbs who gave me shelter and sexual healing as I ran from the mafia.
Jana: Ricardo Tu--isn't that the bloke from Miami Vice?
Gloria: No, no it's not.
Jana: I'm fairly certain it is.
Gloria: You're wrong.
Jana: But--
Gloria: No.
Jana: I'm pr--
Gloria: NO!

Jana: Sorry, sorry!
Gloria: It's okay, dear. Now help me move the body.

Damn, Gloria's good. I want one of my very own.

Let's play a game!

R-E-L-I-Q-U-A-R-Y

"A piece of sacred artwork!"

"Something to hold bones and other nasty stuff!"

"Oooh, I know! A Mcguffin introduced into a story for no apparent reason other to keep nearly every character in the story spinning their wheels."

"DING DING DING, Motherfucker. You get a cookie."

Georad/Brorge, ClackClack, Nick and SCB sure do prove the power of Google. The only reason no one found Jimmy Hoffa is cause they forgot that Jimmy is a nick name for James. Google James Hoffa, he's right there! Easy!

ClackClack: I know art! I know this world! So stop questioning me!

Bitch, shut UP. And they're going to message boards? PLEASE visit TWOP so I can slap a ho. Thankyou. Look, when you lose annoyances like Sharon and JT sometimes you just gotta say "Hey, whadda ya gonna do?", shrug your shoulders and move on. It's part of the healing process.

Phyllis: Hi you guys!
Nick: Uh, Phyllis, what are you doing here?
Phyllis: Just stopping by. You know.
Victoria: Phyllis, we're terribly business.
Brad: Yes, we are. Why are you here?
Phyllis: I wanted to hel--Nick, come on.
Nick: Seriously, why are you here? Did we send out invitations?
Phyllis: Oh. Okay, sorry you guys. I'll go home and do some more babygrowing.
Brad: Moo.
Nick: HAHA! Moooo!
Victoria: Oh my god, boys, stop! MmmMmmMmmoooo!
Phyllis: Hehe. Sorry, sorry, I'll go.

I think I might hate her more than Sharon right now. Of course Sharon isn't around but shape up of ship out, Phyllis. I bet your spine is somewhere near Neil's balls. Probably doing a performance art piece. Go find them.

We miss y'all!

Oh, people, Sharon's fine. She's just getting her Paris Hilton on.

HARHAGHHHGGGGGHHH! Hummina, click, clock, bizz, zoom!

Seizures ARE NOT FUNNY!

Not funny. Ever.

GGGGGHRRRHAHGGGGGHHHGGGG!!!!! Spittle!

You may wonder why I haven't mentioned Lily and Daniel since my love for them is strong and absurd in it's scope. And that is why I haven't mentioned him telling the truth about Alex and Lily leaving him. It didn't happen! Just turned on CBS right the fuck now and all I see is Lily sitting on Daniel's lap as they fight for the remote, it's cute. Now they're getting their mack on. Can no one else see this? Fix your tuners!

Y&R - Wednesday - Like Gum Under Her Stilletos

OH, OH, OH, SNAP!

"This is about Project Stay Away From My Husband! "

"Oh, what is this about, what is this about?" [as she maniacally fans herself (Where is FAN?!)]

"Don't make me pull out an afro puff!"

Oh Carmen, Carmie, Carm, sweetie, you don't know, do you? You don't even know. And that is the tragedy.

This is you



This is Dru

Hurts, doesn't it?

Neil, if you don't want to be with Dru, DON'T BE WITH DRU, you Punk Ass Passive-Aggressive Mealy Mouthed Bitch. She can do better and you won't and shouldn't and never can and never will and I hate you. Eat it.

Phyllis: I've brought sandwiches!

Did you bring your spine? Or do women simply lose them when thrusted by that Newman rod? Why don't you just put on some fucking pearls and a sun dress?




Hey, what the fuck is wrong with Noah's head? Where's Tails? What's goin' on, LilBastard? Did Miguel attack you with the weed whacker? Can't blame him.





Oh yeah, Gloria, Kevin and Jana were on. Gloria was doing some insanely stupid, Kevin was letting her and Jana was British. And the wonderful guy holding JT and Sharon hostage (thus keeping them off our screens, love that guy) sounds British as well. COULD THERE BE A CONNECTION?!

Nikki should not wear...

Pink.

Ever.

Y&R - Tuesday - Hey Zeus!

Did I stumble onto a rerun of I Love Lucy? Sure, Nick isn't Latino but Phyllis is a loony redhead. Need we see the playful banter and domestic fun of the relationship borne of an illicit affair? Nick and Phyllis haven't quite earned that right.

Nick: Feeeeeeeelees, wha did shu doo?

Phyllis: WAHHHHH! Niiiicky!
Nick: Feelees, I no shu did sumting!
Phyllis: Nicky! I--I burned the roast!
Nick: Oh, ho, ho, Feelees, dat's OK!
Phyllis: And used the rent money to invest in NVP!
Nick: Oh, Feelees! S'ok, we cun do sumting bout dat!
Phyllis: And I might have ran someone over!
Nick: Wha? FEELEES! How cood shu?
Phyllis: And maybe I drugged some guy, made him think we slept together and am now carrying a baby I know isn't his yet I'm telling him it is to ensnare him for the rest of his life! WAAAAAAAAH!!!

And now this DaVinci Code bullshit. If only Brad had an unfortunate mullet-y type haircut then we'd be in business.

Brad: They want the reliquary!

Victoria: Is that what this is about? A container for sacred relics? Containers that can exhibit the bones and relics of saints? Sacred relics that have long been important to both Hindus and Buddhists? That became an important part of Christian rituals from about the 4th century on? That provided a means of protecting and displaying holy relics, and were to have miraculous powers of intercession? That range in size from simple pendants or rings to coffin-like containers to very elaborate ossuaries? Many were designed with portability in mind, often being exhibited in public or carried in procession on the saint's feast day or on other holy days!

Mmmm, exposition!

Colleen is just walking verbal diarrhea, isn't she? You could tell her KFC's secret recipe and she'd shout "It's PEOPLE!" from the rooftops. Bitch needs a muzzle.

So what do we call Brad's mom? Abacus? Oh and she is so terrible. Sure, she just met her grandchildren and her daughter-in-law but shit, she's in a jet, a woman's gotta relax! Granddaughter wants to get to know you? Honey, Grandma is tired! It is NAP TIME! She can't be bored with "meeting her family" or "having an honest reaction", the woman is damn near 90 (though she looks barely 60, that's where naps get you! Go to sleep, Colleen!)! Let her alone!

Enough of this illogical story. If they want the reliquary, give them the fucking reliquary. Ἰησοῦς Χριστός!

Goodness, don't let the blind woman make coffee! "It's so nice to see you, Victor! You look wonderful! Let's view the sunset, together! Can you pass me my reading glasses? I'm going to watch Desperate Housewives, have you seen the new one? I'm going to buy binoculars to watch birds with my eyesight!". Who writes this shit?

Paul and LadySpy, that movie you're watching has awful cinematography. There's no plot either! Just some guy sitting in a chair. Oh, I think it's a porn. A gay porn. Unless you're into that I don't think you're gonna like what happens next...

"Jaaaaaaaay Teeeeeee! Bad boy ready for some milkin'?"

OLTL - Oh, Mary, Lordy

So...Jesus, I can't. Let me not. I won't.

I will.

Okay, jase has been working and...he got bit. By a dog. I don't know what the fuck. He lives a crazy, drug-fueled, diamond-encrusted, sex-driven, dangerous life. I'm envious. Anyway, that's why I'm getting to this before him. Oh, I think I just PWNED your ass, jase! PWNED!

For some UNGODLY reason Mary J. Blige was on One Life to Live last week. I haven't a clue why. Did Mary need some pocket change? Because you know they probably paid her in pennies because OLTL has money for nothing except big ass planes that waste our time and patience. Did Brian Frons drug her, drag her back to the studio and tell her it was Madision Square Garden? WHY, MARY, WHY?!

First of all, let's get this out of the way: You look beautiful but when do you not?

"--the hell? Where am I? This is not Madison Square Garden. Where did that bald man with the beard go?"

Heather Tom is like "Oh...oh, okay." Look at that smile. It could kill small children with the awkwardness. I'm not mad at the actors, I'm sure they were intimidated by an actual famous person.

Central Casting: Central Casting, how can I help you?

OLTL Casting Director: Hi, yes...um, I'm not sure how to put this--okay, well, I'm the casting director of One Life to Live and I need some extras.

CC: Okay, I'm I can help you with that. What type of extras are you looking for? You know, ages, male, female, etc.

OLTLCD: Uh...you know, um...wow, okay, black people?

CC: Okay! Any other specifics?

OLTLCD: Black people?

CC: Okay...is that it?

OLTLCD: Pretty much. Copious amounts of black people. For one scene. One day. That's it. Don't make them think this is a recurring thing, God no! [nervous laughter]

Director: Come on! Put your hands up! On cue! Wave them awkwardly! Act like you know this song! Make happy noises! MAKE HAPPY, EXCITABLE NOISES!

Crowd: Woo!

"You can't tell but I am currently giving this woman a gynelogical exam. Stay tuned for the results! I think someone's got her visit from Aunt Imabitch!"

Evangeline Williamson: Tragic Mulatto
Now with less Mulatto

WHHHHHHHY????!!!!

Mary, I do respect you for lipsynching, they don't deserve The Voice!

That's honestly 8 minutes of my life I'll never ever get back. Mary's great, love her but OLTL is a claptrap of horseshit and no number of talented people is gonna make it better than garbage. I don't like seeing someone of her caliber slumming.

DO BETTER, MARY!