Aug 6, 2006

Y&R - The Wiz

[Victor goes into seizures at the farm and is soon unconscious, he awakens in a place shrouded in darkness]

: Hope...Hope, are you there?

[A voice in the darkness answers]

Naw, she ain't here.

Victor: Who, who is that?


Victor: Nunya, whoisthisNunya?

Nunya bizness! HAHA!

Victor: Where is Hope, what have you done with Hope?!

[A figure imerges through the overarching dark, he lumbers forward]

Rick James: Brother, you dead or high but that bitch ain't here!

Victor: RickJames? Didyounotdie?

Rick James: Maybe. Who wants to know? Don't touch me!

Victor: Iamsoconfused. LastIrecallIwasshuckingcornwithmybeautifulHope!

Rick James: You know the last thing I remember? Sniffing some pancake mix off a Mary Jane girl. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Victor: Idonottakedrugs!

Rick James: Yeah and I didn't stab that bitch 28 times, what's one got to do with the other? Listen man, listen. Listen. Listen. What was I saying?

Victor: Idon'tknow.

Rick James: Oh, yeah. I seen't your wife. She got some tig ole bitties. She keep swinging those titties around and Zapato's gonna take a bite. Lemme tell ya!

Victor: Zapato would never!

[Another voice calls out from the dark]

Rick! RIIIIICK! Rick, where you at?!

Rick James: Baby girl, I'm over here! Talking to this freak. Superfreaky! OW! Gotta let the kids know who I am, see?

Janis Joplin: Riiiiick, baby, you can't be leaving me all alone!

Rick James: Sorry, Janie but we got a visitor!

Janis: WHAT? WHO ARE YOU? YOU STAY AWAY! Woo! [Janis plops on the ground] Have a seat! What's your name? Where ya from? You got any money? YOU GOT ANY MONEY ON YA?!

Victor: I am soconfused.

Rick James: Janie, you sitting on my sandwich.



[The two proceed to tussle over a pastrami on rye]

Victor: I--Iwanttogohome.

Rick James: Sucker, you always had the power to go home. Have a hit. A hit of love. Naw, a hit of the pipe. Good shit! Mystical shit! Dalai said it was okay!

Victor: Icannotdodrugs!

Rick James: Bitch please, listen, listen, just say "There's no place like home, there's no place like home...".

Victor: There'snoplacelikeho--

[Rick knocks Victor in the head with a lead pipe, he falls to the ground unconscious yet again]

Rick James: He thought I meant drugs, old fool.


Rick James: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.


jfdb said...

'I'm RickJamesBITCH!'

How did you write that whole thing without using it, I marvel at your talent.

smartyshorts said...

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Darn said...


How did you write that whole thing without using it, I marvel at your talent.

Actual physical restraint. I had someone tie my hands whenever I got tempted.

Now that I think about it I should have had Victor take a hit and then say it exactly as you wrote it, "I'mRickJamesBITCH! Hohoho, Zapato, yougottotrythisshit!"

crc said...

That's some funny shyt! You know I heard reading your blog while high.. it becomes infinite times more funny. That's like a whole lot of funny. It's funnier! Not that I'd know that from personal experience, or anything. I'm just sayin' what I heard. Ya dig?


Darn said...

Cocaine is a hell of a drug, crc. Hell of a drug.

jfdb said...

Yeah, the pronunciation is too perfect.

Victor: I'mRickJamesBITCH
Rick James: No, dawg. I'm Rick James. Fool, back up off that shit. I'm telling you. LAY OFF. Your mind ain't gonna come back now, you hear?
Victor: I'msorrybutwho'sthefoolnow?Thatisright,yourmother. I'mRickJamesBITCH!
Rick James: Oh, I know you did not just say something bout my momma. Janis, you best collect your friend, before me and gramps take a walk. I don't believe this shit!

Darn said...

HEHEHE! Victor doing Rick James speak? GENIUS! Dammit, that's what I shoulda done!

Darn said...

"Thatisright,yourmother." I am ROLLING!