Y&R - Tues - Are You There, God? It's Me, Nutjob

GOD: Why is everybody fucking with me today? The hell? I got shit to do, Nicole! I spent good time turning you from a stripper to the wife of a multi-billionaire. If you can't keep your shit straight, what am I to do? I've got 5,999,999,999 more of you motherfuckers! And this nattering old bitch, Glo--Gloria? Yeah, her. She's asking for shit too! And she killed somebody, on purpose! See, I LIKE John Abbott, he's a good dude, THAT IS WHY I taking him away from that cornucopia of crazy he calls a wife.

Gloria: God, I know I'm the LAST person that should be here--
God: Shit! >crash< Dropped the cure for AIDS, thanks dumbass. What do you want?
Gloria: My husband, John, he's--he's dying--
God: I know these thing, hello, check the name. Next!
Gloria: Please, dear Lord, please, my husband, John, he can--
God: I know what you're asking for and I said "Next!" because if you think for one MeDamn minute that I'm gonna help YOUR nutty ass you have another think coming.
Gloria: But--
God: Shut up.
Gloria: But God, come on--
God: Shut. Up.
Gloria: Bu--but--
God: Smite.

I guess they needed to remind us that everyone else is Catholic/Presbyterian/Baptist/Etc. to balance out the one Jew. Genoa City was almost overrun with synagogues! I got scared!

Let's take a moment to appreciate Peter Bergman and Eileen Davidson and Jeanne Cooper and Jess Walton before we dig into NuBilly. They're all pretty great, aren't they? You can feel the emotion. I'm sure some of those tears are for losing a co-star that they love.

Okay, the newbie who literally STARTED TODAY gets an emotional deathbed scene with John. Yeah, that's gonna resonate. "Is he even gonna know who I am?" What do you think, motherfucker? You just got there! You went from wardrobe to the set! Jerry's thinking "I thought David was coming back?! Forget this, I'm going to sleep!". Speaking of John/Jerry, doesn't he look a bit like The Joker with his hair the way it is with him lying on the bed.

Dru is a fun drunk. Neil wasn't a fun drunk. Point 2,980,789,8764,921,234.78 to Dru.

I made a commitment to posting about this show and God ("WHAT?!"), I don't want to but it WAS on the show. It happened. Can't be ignored. The reliquary nonsense. Let's get to it.

They found a bomb, if that isn't motherfukin' apropo, I don't know what the motherfuck is.

What did they call you in high school, Brad? Thunder Thighs Kaplan? He just murdered someone with his thighs! What in the holy fuck are we watching here? I don't understand? I don't understaaaaaaand! It's like some sort of sick mindfuck. First of all you put Brad, JT and Sharon in a room with a bomb that doesn't go off! That's not right. It's NOT RIGHT. So close yet so far. And then the music stops and the show turns into a low rent production of West Side Story. Ooooh, Brad's confronting the man who killed his family, why should we care when Don Diamont goes from 0 to 1 on the emotional scale? Let's scrap this and rethink all of the characters involved in this tale. It's been uniformly awful.

Though it did make me go out and look for pics from West Side Story and this is just priceless.

Brad and George back in the day

Y&R - Monday - Making a Grown Man Cry

Alright, I have a feeling this week is gonna be split between shit I absolutely hate and stuff I adore beyond description. Let's get the Shitty Shitty Shit Shit out of the way.

Paul: We have a location for the shipping container!
Brad: Fantastic.
Paul: And Sharon may be there!
Brad: Spectacular.
Paul: And Sharon may, just may, be alive!
Brad: Awe-inspiring.

"Hey, Don, let's play that a little more low-key next time. Go!"

Two things this story asks us to do in spades, A) Care for Sharon, which, no. No, thank you, I'll have that without mayo. B) Asks us to buy the idea of these people willing to MURDER for this thing yet being dumb enough to take a replica that was put together in 2 hours time. 70 years of murder and death and kidnappings galore and they're gonna buy THIS TRINKET THAT SUDDEN ART HISTORIAN CLACKCLACKFUCKINGNARMFACE PUT TOGETHER BETWEEN CLEANING THOSE SPEARS SHE CALLS TEETH AND REFEREEING HER CYLON HUSBAND AND CRO-MAGNON BROTHER.

Oh, totally buy it. Totally. I feel like Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed right about now. Slap, slap and I keep coming back for more. Don't make me set you ablaze, show.

Lines Gloria Said In My Head

Gloria: John WILL get better! John WILL come home! And I, I Gloria ABBOTT, WILL have MY HUSBAND BACK! And BY GOD if that means I have to prop his corpse up like that nice Mr. Lomax I WILL!

Gloria: Jill, Jill, I know he WAS your husband, everyone knows I AM his wife now and that you WERE his wife long, long ago!

Jill: Okay, and...?

Gloria: OH NOTHING, I merely wanted to reiterate that for the viewing audience, "Hello, my darling fans! Kisses!".

Audience: Die.

Katherine: I'm very impressed with the way you're handling things.

Gloria: As well you should BE. Under similar dire circumstances I would have EATEN an orderly BY NOW! Self-control, thy name is GLORIA ABBOTT!

Gloria: WHERE IS THE NICU?! MAMAHUNRGY!

Now For The Good Shit,
Breathe It In

Katherine, oh Kay, my love. You spin gold into...more gold type things. My point is that you're incredible and children should be made to clean your feet.

But the scene, the scene that got to me was Jill and John. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. When she said Gloria is like her, yeah, okay, in some ways, Jill's better but I love the idea that John went for someone like Gloria because she reminded him of Jill. Jess Walton was just magnificent. I've only been watching Y&R for 5-6 years but just looking at her face you could see their decades of history. The scene was exceptionally written and somethings you just can't write, you can't write history but it was there in spades. Sniff. Stupid show.

Ashley and Jack being all brother and sister-like never loses.

Dru, alone, half-drunk and Victoria Rowell earning one easy ass paycheck. What's not to love?

Y&R - Friday - People I Hate

Gloria needs a stiff kick in the ass.

I hatehateHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE HER.

Does she have one redeeming characteristic? No. She's not funny anymore, you know why? She killed someone. She doesn't have true love for her children, you know why? She uses them whenever the mood suits her. She doesn't truly love John, you know why? She wouldn't purposely put a wedge between him and his children if she did. She expects him to accept her criminal kids but JackJackJackJack is so meanmeanmean and Ashley is notnotnotnice! And I don't buy for a second that she's afraid John might die, not for John anyway, she's worried about losing John for herself. Fuck John and his kids and grandkids, Gloria's losing HER husband! WahWahWah!

And someone needs to check the nutty heifer for Grave's disease because her eyes are thisclose to rolling out of her head and having a couple of kids play marbles with them. Either that of she's part Muppet and I like Muppets.

Love the Daily/Dily/SitOnIt but it's a little too soon for them to be reconnecting, don't you think? Though those two are clearly miserable without each other. Poor kids. And wow, does Kevin not need to be giving relationship advice to Daniel about Lily, the girl he statutorily raped. Are we supposed to forget this? It certainly feels like we're supposed to forget or brush aside their sordid history. That's a real shame, it would help this iffy storyline immensely.

Dru: Sweetie, what time is it?
Neil: Time?
Dru: Yes, sweetie.
Neil: Time is a fragile thing. Like a house of cards built on lies.
Dru: Honey, the time.
Neil: Built on lies and untruths.
Dru: Baby, I just wanna know the time.
Neil: Time is a construct. Time is like our marriage, a construct made up of deceit and trickery. Deceit and trickery and deception and falseness...sities!
Dru: Dammit, I just want the motherfuckin' time.
Neil: Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Okay, okay, fiiiine, Dru lied about the paternity of your child for 18 years, she slept with your brother (raped by your brother unwittingly, let's not even go there) but Dru is SO right about you, you self-righteous prick. You may realize that you've made mistakes but do you acknowledge them? Hardly.

If you're gonna be mad, be mad, man up! That's right, yell! Now check your pants, I think one of your balls may have finally dropped.

High five? High five! No? Too soon? Too soon. Alright.

Y&R - Thursday - Arts & Crafts

Oh, hi!

Sorry, I'm kinda busy.

Just doing a little art project, I'll be with you in a sec, okay?

[tinka, wrrrr, tinka, tinka, grind, mesh, shimmer, tinka]

Done! You like? God, it took me forever. Like 30 minutes forever. I am exhausted.

Sure, Victoria, go to Pearl Art Supply and buy the materials necessary to replicate a centuries old re-li-qua-ry. SURE, WHY NOT? OKAY! MAKES SENSE! EXCUSE ME WHILE I DIE SLOWLY!

A few questions (questions because today was exceedingly tedious and anvil-heavy):

Why do Jill and Katherine like Gloria? It doesn't compute. She is a classless, loud-mouthed nutjob who conned John for months, they have absolutely no reason to like this woman much less respect her ideas. Makes no sense and I don't like it.

John's getting out of prison, he's getting his job back, my gosh, what could possibly go wrong? Gloria's happy, Jack's happy, Ashley happy, everyone is HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! I think Jesus just pooped some puppies and rainbows. What could possibly, possibly go wrong now?

Why do Nick and Brad look perfectly well kept yet Victoria looks like she hasn't bathed in a week? Sharon looks more put together.

Wouldn't it be cool if it turns out Michael is part black? Cause you know it's kinda funny that they're doing a story centered around an event (Hurricane Katrina, and don't let me start on that before I get all mad and political, grrrr) that mostly effected black people centerd around a white guy.

What exactly are Paul and JT doing? Don't answer that. Me don't care.

Y&R - Wednesday - If Only We Were So Lucky

"Nothing would warm the cockles of my heart more than to see your butt behind bars, believe that! >snick!<"

Boy does Dru looks nuts sometimes. Looking like Beloved and twirling her hair like a loon. I love you, girl, you know that, but rein it in (though good job putting your castrated significant other on notice).

Thandie Newton wants her role back.

Not to say I don't love Neil and Dru hating on Daniel. He deserves it. Even if you take away the fact that it was Lily; he still set it up to have a girl attacked. That's horrible and frankly, they should never forgive him.

But Lily should.

Why?

Why ask why?

Seriously stop asking why.

I said "stop", goddammit.

I like art. I'm an artist. I took art history. Art history interests me greatly. Leonardo was a genius, Rembrandt's command of light and dark is astounding, Warhol was mad crazy and brilliant. That said the only way this story could possibly, conceivably interest me in the least is this:

Or this:

Or this:

If you're not any of these things, then Shaddup.

Oh, Sharon got shot in the head?

That'll leave a stain. A little club soda will do the trick for that sharp looking suit you're wearing, Mr. Nazi. Thank you, Heloise.