Y&R - Oh Crap on a Cracker

TWOP is down for the whole FUCKING DAY. Sonuvabitch. I blame Glark. Or Zapato!!!

Or the server. Whatevers.

If anyone wants to discuss it here, feel free. I'll start! I hope today involves a lot of "Shut up, Gloria" and "Die, you psychotic chop shop." But that's just me.

Y&R - Friday - MAKING A GROWN ASS MAN CRY!

***This post may be interrupted by my uncontrollable sobbing***

Oooooooooh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man.

I don't even feel like typing. OOOOOOOH MAN!

I fuckingfuckingfuckingfuckingFUCKING hate this show so damn damn damn much right now!

And you know what? Fuck Gloria. Fuck her in her creepy big ass eyes. She wasn't even there today! Didn't see her, didn't smell her!

Okay, Ashley, OKAY, OKAY, FINE, I'll lay off you now. Actually at one point Eileen Davidson kept her head down for about half a scene and it just chipped away at my cold, cold heart. She just seemed so...broken.

Peter Bergman, you kill me. KILL ME. I AM DEAD. How does he do it? Honestly, how? His face, washed in utter bewilderment, just said so much with so little. Fuck everybody else, for my money he is undoubtedly THE BEST actor on daytime right now. Fuck, on television.

Jack and Phyllis, Phyllis referring to herself as John's daughter-in-law is when I started tearing up. I thought that was terribly sweet her and I haven't found Phyllis genuinely likeable in a long, long time. Jack + Phyllis 4evah!

And just because John was a good father, the best type of soap dad, he'd kick you when you've fucked up and hug you when you needed daddy.

RIP, John Abbott
We'll miss you, Jerry. Hey, look on the bright side, no more clucking from whosherstupid.

Much as I hate Nick and Phyllis and their fuckbaby, beautiful symmetry between John's death and their embryo of adultery. Should've been Michael and Lauren (though of course they were where they should have been, I'm just being petty) but hey, ya know, well done.

Trivial and Meaningless Stuff

Go ClackClack! I hope she keeps Brad in their loveless marriage. Still don't like her but hate him just a little bit more.

Good God, Drucilla. You don't have to be roommates with Sharon. This isn't A Different World, you can choose where you want to live, you don't have to live with Maggie. At least if you're gonna stay there bring your own sheets and towels, Nick's jizz is all over the place. Trust me on this.

And one last pic.

The Last Photo of the Abbott Men

Oh come on, you know I had to. Don't you judge me.

Y&R - Thursday - You're A Mean One

Hmmm, apparently my heart is the size of Gloria's soul.








Honestly, the woman's husband is dying and I feel...nothing for her. Nothing at all. Whatsoever. It's sad really. Not Gloria's pain, my lack of empathy. If John died a thousand times I'd be like "HAHA, bitch! Whatchu gonna do now?! Again, again, again!".

Not that I want John to die. I just reallt hate her.

There aren't very many soap patriarchs worthy of a Week Long Death March, luckily for us John Abbott IS worthy and this one is being executed with patience and eloquence. Except for the nattering chickenheaded creature who supposed "cares" "for" "and" "loves" "her" "dear" "husband" "so" "very" "much". Why can't Jill choke a bitch? Jill can choke her and Kay can use her claw-like Lee Press-Ons to scratch her eyes out!

Colleen offers Billy comfort during this Abbott family crisis.

Ugh, what a wrong, wrong, WRONG time to bring on a recast.

Okay, the reliquary nonsense is over yet all the people involved in that disaster of a story are still onscreen. Sometimes I wish Y&R was like other soaps, on other soaps when a story bombs the characters involved in that story slowly disappear. I'm talking to you, Brad, Paul, JT and Sharon. Poof, bitches, poof!

Neil and anyone not named Drucilla Barber Winters = Downgrade.

What man in his right mind trades in

All

Of

Dis

For summa dis

No. NO, WAIT, BAD EXAMPLE! Shit.

Whatsherboring is pretty but at least Dru has some personality to speak of. For a man with no testes Neil sure does have an embarassment of riches.

Bastard.

GH - Mon/Tues - Scratch 'n Sniff Ho

(Scene: The lake house. Ric and Sam have pressed the meat. The afterglow is in full effect.)

Ric (sniffing the air) : Hey...hey, you smell that?


Sam: oh my god what the fuck barbeque. just do not speak to me.
Ric: No, no, come on...come on, you gotta smell that. Did the septic system back up when the generator went down? Jesus. What is that? It smells like...death in the Bayou. Like poached eggs and menstruation!
Sam: Maybe you're smelling your own sin, Riiic. Maybe you're smelling what you did to me.
Ric: Jigga what? Sam -
Sam: Oh, you knows what you dids. You knows! You...m-mounted me just to get one over on Jason. This was all about Jason. But you know what, it's never gonna happen again, and that's because Jason's gonna shoot you when he finds out! So smell your sin while you can, Ric! Smell it! While your olfactory senses still work!


Ric: Uh-huh, okay. (snif snif) Sam, is that...I don't know of a delicate way to put this, is...is that...you?


Sam (clutching her clothes to herself) : What? What? What the hell are you talking about now, Ric? I don't want to hear any more of your filth! It's bad enough that you roofied me and date raped me like a common trick!
Ric: Date rape? Date rape? Bitch, you crazy! I - seriously, how can you not smell that? Sam, it's - it's coming off you in waves, I'm not trying to go for a cheap shot, but honestly, it, I, I was in Rangoon once, in some really horrible areas, with, you know, the dead, and it kind of smelled like that. It smells like the killing fields, okay?! It smells like...Neosporin, diapers, and whipped cream! Sam, how long have you been wearing those clothes? Why are you just putting them back on? Listen, the shower still works - we have a garden hose -
Sam: What, so you can rape me with it? Like Ray Liotta did in that movie? Fuck Ray Liotta! Fuck your shower, Ric! Fuck your shower and fuck you! You're a monster, Ric! A monster and Jason is going to put you down for me! The whole time you were with me you were thinking of Jason! Jason, Jason, Jason!


Ric: Okay, Sam, look - look, just, just calm down and listen, just sniff the air, because there are spots...in front of my eyes...guh...Sam, please...please...it smells like week old raw mutton with about a gallon of White Diamonds poured all over it...


Sam: Well, I'm sorry you don't like my fragrance of the day, Ric, but unfortunately I didn't put it on for fucking you! Besides, White Diamonds has always brought me luck! Until now! Until fucking now!
Ric (coughing) : Sam, you gotta listen to me, okay, we're far from the road; we're on the edge of the woods. The...the animals, of the forest, they will come here if they smell you. We are not prepared for their first wave! Sam, we have no locust screens on the doors, you have to act fast! Koff koff! Ah, God, my lungs are filling! I am begging you, burn those clothes!


Sam: Oh - why, Ric? Why, so you can just get me naked again and have nonconsensual sex with me that is all about JASON again?! Jason, he is fifteen times the man you are, fifteen hundred times! I just picked that number out of the air, it could've been any number, because you are slime, Ric, you are an insect! For what you have done to me! You and your frigid bitch wife! God, you sicken me!
Ric (doubling over, hacking) : Gah! Ugh! Muh! Sam! Sam - I can hear them! I can hear the animals! They're angry, Sam, you've made them angry! You've violated their ecosphere! Sam, for Christ's sake, your dress has my biological...material...all over it...how can you just wear that?


Sam: It's something you could never understand, Ric. See, unlike you, I wasn't born with a bunch of silver dicks in my mouth! My family struggled and scrimped, we didn't have your Ivy League schools or your perfect clothes, sometimes we even made clothes, we had to make it work! Just like I have to every day! I put my clothes on, I'm good to go! You know what you're smelling, Ric, you're smelling reality, you're smelling a real woman, without all your snooty white-collar pretensions! So take a whiff, motherfucker! Take a huge fucking whiff!
Ric: Gaaauugghh! (collapses)

...And then she vomited on it, wiped vomit on it, and went back to the lake house still wearing it! What the fuck, Sam? What the fuck? Wat teh fukc??!!!111

Seriously though, kids, it's good to be back. I am sorry I have been gone while Darn has been biting my style every single day for weeks. I was working hard for the money, so hard for it honey, pretty much 5 days straight all week long for five to six weeks, trying to make that paper for the summer and for when I finish school in the winter. But I am back now, and trying to get back into the swing of things. It doesn't help that I have to now follow DOOL again, as it's getting very good as the new writers are now on the scene. Yes, there will be some kind of Austin and Carrie memorial post. "Austin and Carrie: Nazi Vanilla Pecan Love Fantasy."

GH and Guza have to be trying to sabotage Sam a la Courtney, etc. Only Sam would go that bugshit after willingly fucking Ric and make it all about Jason, then come back to the house and still give Alexis attitude. And I'm sorry, let me first qualify this: I detest Jason and Steve Burton and want them off the show immediately. And, I hated Jason/Liz (Jiz: Rich and consistent) in the '90s, I've hated every Liz pairing except the one with Greg Vaughan's Lucky, but this


was the hottest shit I have seen on the show since Ted King and Tamara Braun in Ric's panic room. Unbelievable. And then the tenderness, oh laws, Teh Tenderness. The sweet talk and romantic discussion. Wistful lovelinesss. Mmmm. Mmmm. I am no Liz fan...person...but that was incredible material and I agree that this has to be more than a one nighter and then back to Lucky and Sam for good. Or it should be more, anyway. Burton was even more into it than she was.

I don't even know what those scenes with Lulu, Dillon, and Georgie were. I was completely focused on Scott Clifton's chest and nipples through his shirt. I'm sorry. I don't understand why Dillon is so fucking casual and civil with Lulu now either. "Oh, you broke up me and my wife, haha, no biggies! Later, girlfrenn!"

Low on snark because I am just getting back and frankly a lot of scenes have been good these last two days. God help me. I hope some of y'all missed me. I will get on OLTL and DOOL later.

Y&R - Wednesday - %$#^@!

SURE, I RECORD THE SHOW BUT, BUT, BUT I RECORD IT ON MUTE! I mean, What The Fuck, Dumbass? GAH!

Here is how I assume things went down.

Paul and Brad -- I bet my TV put itself on mute when it saw those assholes in the first scene.

Paul: So yeah.
Brad: I know, I know.
Paul: Nazis? Really?
Brad: I don't know. I'm Jewish!
Paul: And I'm Hindu! I mean, come on!
Brad: Seriously.

They've oldified Brad's mom. Good on them. I'm sure this Kapton family scene is a tedious recap of this stupid story. Sometimes the deaf have it good, no?

Brad: Phew!
Victoria: Yeah.
Brad's mom: Oy!
Colleen: The WMDs are in our garage, officer!
Abby: I hate you all.

Brad: Gibbergibberwho?
JT: Gibbergibberwha?
[handshake]

Holy shit, look at Sharon's hair. It's completely different lengths. No seriously. That's weird.

Phyllis is back and no fatter than before. Is the baby growing in her ass?

Gloria looks like a wet dog. Oh, this doesn't look good. The doctor's saying something not...good. Oh no, here comes Gloria, she's about to speak. I'm covering my ears and I can't heat the bitch. That's an issue.

Gloria: I'M MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, JOHN WON'T DIE, HE'LL MULTIPLY! I'M MRS. JOHN ABBOTT, MISSUS JOHN ABBOTT, MADAME ABBOTT, LADY ABBOTT, LEAVE ME ALONE!

Colleen: Oh my God, Billy, were you in a bar fight? Why is your face all swollen?

I'll say this for NuPugFacedBilly, he's got the Abbott family stinkface down, the one his brother and sister have perfected over the years.

Abby: Grandpa's dying?
Ashley: Well, we don't know, sweetheart.
Abby: It's okay if he does.
Ashley: Huh?
Abby: We can make him better. Stronger. Faster.

Man does Victoria Rowell know how to keep the puppies in check. And I'm not talking about Zapato. Heeeeeeeey, Lily, you forgot to change out of your nightgown.

Phyllis and Nick--only a week long respite from them and their schmoopiness? Spare me.

And I can't watch anymore. It's no fun if I can't hear these selfish pricks go on and on about themselves.

Better luck tomorrow. SIGH.