Y&R - Friday - Delicious

PHOOOOOMP! BOOMPPPPP!
MMMMMMMFUM!

Anybody else hear that?

I'm fairly certain that was the sound of Dru spilling out of her dress and into my living room. I'm fairly fucking certain. Hot damn, did VR look stunning or what? And she's how old? And Neil is how stupid?

Do you not get it, Carmen? Dru will. Beat. Yo. Ass!

This is not an opinion, this is not a promise, this is not a proposal, this is fact. The sun rises in the east, your ass gets beat in the west! I'm sorry but it's true!

Well, let me tell you somethin' Neil Winters, you ain't playin' me! You ain't playin' Drucilla and I ain't havin' it!

SHE'S NOT HAVIN' IIIIIIIIIT, MOTHERFUCKER! Uh-uh, no sir. Ooooooh, you in so much trouble. Ooooooooh!



How bombass was Dru spying on those heathens with her binoculars? How does that not make her a winner in life? She is THE winner. One and only. [Rocky jog]




Gloria: I will never forgive you for what you've done, Jack. Never.

Like he needs or desires your fucking forgiveness, you clown-faced back alley whore (that's what you should have said, Jack but good job, good job).

Ya know, some days I long for the days of Chrstine and her brand of boring and then, then I see her face and "No, not really." Moving on.

I've decided that Lynn Marie Latham has no great love for Brad, she merely saw a character on canvas with a shady past, a past that she could create. That seems to be her MO, creating new characters using the current cast. She merely pays lip service to the past and that can only sustain your audience for so long. Thankfully the show has a lot of built up goodwill but you can only survive on that for so long.

Oh no, Victor, you're not seeing angels, that's just Phyllis as Virgin Mary. I suppose if Mary Magdalene can go from Jesus' bride to a common whore then a psychotic homewrecker can have an immaculate conception. Call the networks! We've got a miracle here!

I swear to God everytime Victor is onscreen I feel like I'm watching a horrible sitcom called...

I know that's completely tasteless of me and I apologize. But the last time I had taste was in the womb, so really.

And In Defense of Zapato: He didn't want the Robotot OR Psycho In The Making holding him, he wanted his Victor back! He missed you! He appreciated the letters and the phonecalls but there's nothing like having you rub his belly. Family? Come on, Victor, we know who's your real family here. I heard Nikki was fucking Miguel. On the china! That's just what I heard.

Y&R - Thursday - Too Much And Never Enough

What is there to say? What? I don't know. I have so much going through my head right now. I feel like taking today's script and dissecting it. That last scene was exhausting, wasn't it? You know how if you're in a seat with arms how you grab the arms and kinda lift yourself out of the seat when a scene gets really good and you're anxious for the next line? That was me today. I love this show.

I AM JOHN ABBOTT!

In Defense of Jack: There is no conceivable way that Jack or Ashley could have delivered their eulogies comfortably with Gloria right there, probably blowing her nose into Kevin's lapel. Jack would have been glaring at her and Ashley would have been disgusted and the tension would have filled the church like a gas. No one could have mourned peacefully. Was he right? No. Was he doing this selfishly? No. I do think they would have been better served to go with separate services.

And Peter Bergman wins at...life.

I think I kinda love Traci. She just seems like a big ball (not a fat joke) of vulnerable. I wanted to hug her when she was going on about her daddy. Poor kid (okay, she's 20 years older than me, still).

I guess Kay and Jill can't even have individual camera shots. I fully expected them to deliver their eulogy together, alternating lines.

The flashbacks were golden. Perfectly chosen. John really was a nice guy, wasn't he? Sigh.

A FEW THINGS FOR THE FUCKING RECORD

Clair: It's LET THE RECORD SHOW.

I know, Clair.

Clair: FIX IT, HEATHCLIFF!

Shut up, Clair.

Gloria, in half an hour, went from ME ME ME to MY FAMILY MY FAMILY MY FAMILY. Here is why: She needed allies, she knew damn well that this was about HER being utterly repulsive but in order to assure that Michael, Kevin (those bastards, I'll get to them in a sec) and Lauren would be on her side and not consider Jack's point of view for a second she started in on this MY FAMILY business. She saw that she was losing and decided that she should pull them in to make it US against THEM because she is a selfish, self-centered cowbeast.

Michael, you shut you goddamn mouth with "This is classic Jack.", let's talk about "Classic Michael". Who are you gonna stalk and nearly rape next, Mikey? Compared to you Jack is Father Fucking Teresa. I still love you but ya lost me a little with that line.

Kevin, you piece of refried shit, listen up, motherfucker (I bet you would, you nasty bastard), don't you dare defend that woman in the same room where the girl you tried to kill, her uncle, her aunt and her mother stand. Who do you think you ARE? I kick you!

Judith Chapman is one of the greatest actresses of our time, you know why? Because nothing would give me more pleasure than to pop Gloria in the face.

Seriously, PB and JC were fantastic in that confrontation. So much hatred in every line. Okay, clearly Judith can't move forehead and Peter needs to move away from the bronzer but that's neither here nor there, they were phenomenal.

Hey, did anything else happen today? I can't even remember.

That wasn't a joke. I really don't remember.

Y&R - Wednesday - Giggly Heffa

Well, goodness, who is Dru to ask about her husband's apparent infatuation with another woman? Seriously, back off chick, you're way out of line bothering your husband and his POTENTIAL MISTRESS! God, Dru, get a grip! HOW DARE YOU? LEARN YA PLACE, DRUCILLA, LEARNYAPLACE!

The last thing I ever want to see is Neil opening a club on this show and desperately trying to be "cool" and " with it". He'll put Chuck Berry on the record player and say things like "Oh yeah, this is where's it at! I hear it, I feel it, of yeah, this is my jam! Get down to get doooown! Who wants to do the electric slide?! ".

Gloria: John's thing? [rummage, rummage] Where are the copious pictures of meeee?!

Yes, yes, Gloria, you were a part of John's life for all of two years. Guess what? Jack and Ashley were his kids for 50 YEARS! You were the last stop in John's seemingly endless string of fucked up women. Except for Mamie, she was badass.

Jack is Love. I love when he's up to something. Sure, everything, EVERY SINGLE THING, he does backfires right in his face but he's still a loveable bastard while he does it. Love you, Jack.

But as much as I hate Gloria, her face while Jack hugged her was priceless. All bugs eyes and batshit. Awesome, awesome.

Nick: Heheh.
Phyllis: Heh.
Nick: HEHEHEHE!
Phyllis: Giggggglee!
Nick: Giggle!
Phyllis: Gigglicious!
Nick: Hurhurhur!
Phyllis: Hehe!
Nick: Ayeyeyeye!
Phyllis: Giggly!
Me: [gun to head, splat]

Noah's gonna be one of those 30-year-old guys who go on "dates" with their moms where the "dates" consist of the two of them sitting at home having TV dinners, isn't he? Yeah he is. She's gonna make sure of it. Cause momma's gonna need a hug when she's lost her purse or misplaced her pills or broken a hip.



Sharon: You stay with me forever, right? Foreverever!

Noah: I am dying inside!

Sharon: Oh you!

Y&R - Tues - Whothehelldoesshethinksheis?

Is Gloria out of her UFCKNIG NIMD?

Imagine my face like this as I talk about this nasty, nutty heffa.

Who are you to lecture ANYONE on it "not being about yooooooou!" ? Have you met yourself? Do you know that literally every word that comes out of your mouth is "me", "my" or "I". "I am John's wedding, MY husband died, what about MEEE?"

Whataboutyouyouvilepieceoftrash? All your presence does is remind us that John would be ALIVE if you hadn't come into his life! You took this good man and made him absolutely miserable. Good job, GLO! They're furnishing your condo in HELL.

Goddamn! I--I hate her more than I hate peas and I really fucking hate peas. Little green balls of awful.

Oh shit, Kay, you just went against Gloria, she's gonna turn on you ass! And I mean literally turn! RUN! DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU STANDS DEATH!

JT: Hey.
Colleen: Hey...
JT: How ya doin'?
Colleen: Okay. Not really. I still can't believe he's gone.
JT: What? You're still grieving? But--but we had sex.
Colleen: Yeah but I'm still so sad.
JT: But I don't understand, I've got the magic stick. [boing] You broken? Damn you!

Hey, heeey, LilBastard, come'r, come'r. Your mom's sad, right? And you dad's not home, right? Stealing an IPod isn't gonna get him home! I know how to get him home! Set the house on fire. Just a little. I bet you didn't know that mommies don't burnt, did you? Do it while mom's asleep. No, no, she'll sleep right through, it's all good. Here's a lighter and some gas, it's only a gallon but you should be good. Stop crying! Don't be a bitch, stop being a bitch before you get slapped like one. Go on now, git!

What?

THE MYSTERIOUSSSSSS PASSSSST OF CARMEN MESSSSTA!

Hmmm, no. Next.

Y&R - Monday - Hindenburg? "I HAD TO SMOKE!"

Gloria on the Titanic: Ships go down ALL THE TIME! I'VE CHIPPED A NAIL! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HAVE SOME PRIORITIES, JAA-AAA-AAACK!

Gloria on Nuremberg: I danced for a few gentlemen in NUREMBERG, they tipped WELL, THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE! STOP JUDGING THEM, JAAA-AA-AAAAACK! I KNOW FROM PAIN!

Gloria on Chernobyl: I was there, JAAA-AAA-AAA-AACK! I HAVE THE SCARS TO PROVE IT! I was behind iiiiiiiiit! No, no, you didn't hear that! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Today was the first day that I wanted to physically hurt Gloria. I can't wait until John's funeral! Only because, with any hope Gloria will jump in the casket with him. Jack (or Peter Bergman) was SOOOO close to telling her "TOUGH SHIT!" when she was going on about John's funeral. Loved it.

I know that all I could think of after my grandfather died was fucking somebody. Okay. Yeah, blah, blah, blah death makes you want to feel alive. Whatever. Shut up, JT. Like you know about losing a grandparent, your deepest story on this show involved your girlfriend having a miscarriage during a commercial break.

But BOY is JT gonna make a mess. He's been saving up for that girl for damn near 5 years. Get ready for some clean up, Col.

Yeah, yeah, Nick and Phyllis are gonna have a girl. And she's gona have red hair. And she'll be sickeningly precocious. And her name will be...Casey. Why don't they just fuck on her grave? JUST FUCK ON HER GRAVE!

Sharon: My gosh, I've never been in a scene with so many black people before! This is different. When do we dance?

And of course she joins the scene and it become All About Sharon. When is Sharon not suffering from PTSD? Every other Saturday? Matt Clark, Cameron Kirsten and now guy's whose name I don't even know. Poor, poor, LilBastard.

Oh no, Lily's stuck on stupid again. What made her think any member of her family would be okay with Daniel being there? We do not need Christel Khalil levels of dumb on this show again. I think Sharon is quite enough for the next decade. BUT she won me over when after Devon said "I got you something to remind you how special you are." she said "Boy, I already know I'm special, I don't need no reminding but thanks!". Love, love, love.

And THE MOTHACLUCKIN' BEST for last! The Return--THE RETURN OF--DUN, DUN, DUNDUN--
FAN!

Fan, Fan, how have you been? What have you been up to?
Fan: Just doin' what I do, baby. You know.
Ya look good, ya look great.
Fan: You always say things that I know! But thank you, thank you kindly.
So where were you for so long?
Fan: You know Vicky, she's got her plans, I got mine. Schedules, schedules. But finally that one week something gelled and everything worked out well.
So any return trips in the near future?
Fan: I dunno, I don't know. You gotta ask Lynn or Vicky, I go where life takes me. I'm a free spirit! You know how I do, YOU KNOW!