DOOL - Civil War of Dunces

Darn: Did you know that Days was the epitome of good soap until '97. Then Reilly left it all started to suck! That Corday! That other guy! And that lady! Why they keep you down, James, why they keep you down?

Jase: Oh Christ, not again.

Darn: And I'm sorry but Deidre Hall's reaction to Stefano is LAUGHABLE.

Jase: Yes, it's all Corday's fault that the tree fell and yet there was no storm.

Darn: Corday stole my embryo.

Darn: They're just so obnoxious about it. Days was NOT A WORK OF ART under James Effing Reilly.

Darn: It was pop culture fluff, why do they insist it was something else?

Jase: Because they can't live with accepting the facts.

Jase: There is such huge cognitive dissonance. They're thrilled Hogan Sheffer is taking over and Reilly is gone but oh, isn't it horrible what was done to JAAAAMES.

Jase: If they admit it, their childhood is gone or something.

Jase: And they're all such kids anyway.

Darn: Even the adult ones, such immaturity. I'm sorry, the show had a train wreck factor and no, the camera work was awful, the music was not THAT spooky and every episode had the same fucking tag, Marlena has green eyes! Ooooh! Shut up, you babies.

Darn: It wasn't unwatchable but it wasn't sent down from God either.

Jase: The question is what you do about it.

Darn: What do you mean?

Jase: Well, yell at them or something.

Darn: You have to handle the kids with kid gloves you see. I said something mildly unkind about Dee QUEEN OF DAYTIME AND THE WORLD AND SHE'S MY MOM and they nearly bit my head off.

Jase: FUCK THAT.

Jase: I said it all and those bitches, if they read me, then fuck em, they live with it. LIVE WITH IT!

Darn: I AM A BUSINESSMAN, JASE!

Jase: YOU ARE A FUTURIST!

Jase: You better believe I will rag on that bitch's ass when she comes back. I still have the John/Marlena Project Runway thing to do, and I'll be all over her. LIKE WHITE ON MY FACE AS OPPOSED TO RICE.

Darn: Is this what it's gonna be? Huh? Me reining your ass in all the damn time? "No, Jase, you can't start talking about the Cuban imbargo, for fuck's sack, this is about SOAP OPERAS!"

Jase: Cuban embargo? What? What?

Darn: Exactly.

Jase: You need to get off that stuff.

Darn: embargo?

Jase: EM.

Darn: Yeah, that, shut up.

Jase: Fucking EM, for GOD'S SAKE.

Darn: Fuck you.

Y&R - Punch! Pow! Zap! Popozao!

[Colleen and Lily are talking at Crimson Lights when a tall white guy approachs them]

K-Fed: Awwww, yeah, gurl, how you be?
Colleen: Excuse me?
K-Fed: I SAAAYD, how you is, guuuuuurl?
Colleen: Uh, fine. Okay, I guess.
K-Fed: You lookin' fine AND okay, mamacita [smacks lips] Good enough ta eat!
Colleen: Oh God--
K-Fed: I like a gurl wit chil' bearin' hips, nawhatahmeen? Yo--yo, you wants to be my new babymama? I got 'em poppin' out like a Pez dispenser! Who's ya friend, ma?
Colleen: Ah, this is Lily.
K-Fed: Oh snap, oh snap, oh SNIZZAP! Dat's fine wit me, ya heard, cuz I like some coffee in my cream in my frosting in my licorice in my may-on-azz! Popozao!

Colleen painting Lily's toes was like Queen but in reverse! If you get that you are in my head and I am scared.

It figures Darth Vader would make prank calls. He's a funny guy that Anakin, not even molten lava can slow the hilarity! Love you, Annie! Call me!

So, Sharon, it's "A Guy Thing" to run from your problems? Then your must have a secret penis because YOU DID THE EXACT SAME THING. So SHUT UP! Just shaddupshaddupshaddup! Now you've got me all tired from YELLING AT YOUR DUMB, HYPOCRITICAL ASS! Now I'm sweaty! THANK YOU, SHARON FOR MAKING ME ALMOST AS SHINY AS YOU! THANK YOU!

AHHHH! Hope's face is on fire! Put it out! I was so sad when Hope died--oh wait, she didn't. WTF? Why are they bathing her in ethereal white light? To hide the emergency recast? Uh, we notice. It's okay, no one's gonna die over a recast of a character who hasn't been on in 5 years.

Paul, JT and SpyLady in a hotel room looking at paperwork. It's like James Bond in my living room! RIVETING TELEVISION! It's like I was there! It's like I was there!

Paul: By George, I've found it!
JT: Holy Poopshoot, Paul!
Paul: It's so...soft and sqiushy!
JT: Can I feel?!
Paul: Sure you can, old chum!
JT: Gosh, it IS soft! What's this brown stuff, Paul?
Paul: Let's see--[sniff] And the mystery deepens.

[Paul and JT find their own asses]

Y&R - Tingle, Tingle, Bitches

Since it looks like my personal favorite couple is headed for some rough waters I just thought I'd let my love be known.

Cute? Sure. Why not?

Yeah, kittens, when are they NOT cute?

Levels of adorable rarely reached but you know, they're puppies. It's expected.

Off the charts ADORABLE! Nothing rivals their level of cuteness*, I'm not even trying to hide my bias for this couple. Daniel & Lily, Lily & Daniel, DILY, DAILY, DIDGERIDOO!

Is Carmen's grand plan to bed every man 40 and over in GC? If so she's got a lotta work to do! Get to it, Carm! I've heard UnHappyNoFunVictor will make you forget your own name! He will bup your brains out!

Is it never not about you, Colleen? Well, SURE it was left on LILY'S CAR but CLEARLY it was meant for Princess Pissmeoff! "Someone left you a tip, Lily? [snatch] They really wanted ME to get it! Sorries!" Well, okay a threatening note doesn't compare to a tip but you get what I mean.

Noah: I almost capped his ass, dad! Pop, pop, motherfucker! Proud of me, dad? Say you're proud!

Yeah, that kid is gonna be a problem.

I love when Y&R goes all 24 on us with the split screen and the music and the dramatic stares with all the angst and the questions and the Who's The Daddy, it makes my boyparts tingle! I bet it makes yours tingle too!

*(Okay, the wagon full of Zapatos MIGHT be some competition)

Y&R - As Exciting as Sand

Dru: Oh hell no, that little bitch did not!
Me: Oh. Yes. She. Did.
Dru: Did--did she just? Did--you saw what she did there? You saw that, right? She just--ooooooh. Breathe. Dru? Breathe.
Me: Saw it! Wrote it down!
Dru: Where's my sneakers? Find me my sneakers!
Me: Catch!
Dru: My doo rag?
Me: Got it!
Dru: Vaseline?
Me: Check!
Dru: Ticket to Genoa City?
Me: Uh--uh, they want you to go to Prague.
Dru: Prague?! Mother--uh-huh, not gonna work! Not gonna work! Did that toothy bitch co-sign this?
Me: Yep! You want I should cut her?
Dru: You mean you didn't already?
Me: Getting right on that!

Did Victoria even have a purpose today? She flounced from scene to scene and just bugged the shit out of everybody. It was bizarre. Nice that Nick told her he loves Phyllis but what was the point if we didn't get her reaction?

It's not Casual Wednesday, Neil

Neil is like the dad down the street who suddenly decides he's gonna wear baggy jeans hanging around his ass, a sideways visor and buys rims for his mini-van. It's not cute, it doesn't look right and is down right disturbing. If you didn't try so hard, Neil, we wouldn't notice how lame you usually are.

And Carmen and her manipulations (and WTF was that? Uh, why? Really why?) are not gonna make him any less lame. Dru is the paparika to his uh, sand? Sure, sand! Why not? Who wants to season with sand? No one.

How does one respond to their mom being a skanky ho? Usually they don't or if they do they do it spectacularly, Daniel however handled it quite well. Good for him.

Okay, you guys Jack's "After all this time a child could actually bring Phyllis and me back together. Amazing." That was for US! I love you, scriptwriter!

But the Jack/Phyllis scenes infuriated me and I can't discuss it. No, don't look at me! I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

My shipperheart has broken into tiny tiny pieces.

Holdme.

Cradleme.

Y&R - Red-Headed Babies (EEEEE!!!)

Sharon: I'M THE BIGGER PERSON, PHYLLIS, SEE ME BE THE BIGGER PERSON, PHYLLIS, BIGGER THAN YOU BUT NOT FATTER THAN YOU, OH, I'M SORRY THAT'S JUST YOUR BIG FAT PREGNANT BELLY FULL OF MY HUSBAND'S BABY! BUT GO, NICK, GO SEE YOUR MISTRESS, I DON'T CARE! Lalala!

But let's back up here, Shiny McBitchface, let's take a moment to assess your duel histories. Phyllis, sure she can be annoying, she's a firecracker, she's got a past but you know what she has yet to do? Try to murder you. Cameron Kirsten, remember him? He of the drunk quasi-rape and fake death and "I cracked a wine bottle over his head and oh noes, he's gone and died, y'all, I'll just drop his ass behind a dumpster! That'll work! And then in a few months I'll return and HE'LL STILL BE THERE! And then, and then I'll lose him and Larry will find him and oh shit, I can't desribe this story anymore, my brain is malfunctioning! What does "malfunctioning" mean?!"? That one. He tried to kill you and your husband. So no clapping for you "getting over" Nick's betrayal. Oh and you abandoned your kids too. Just a reminder.

"I remember that shit. Hmmm, Phyllis, I woulda hit that.

In the face.

I'm evil."

Colleen could get a run in her stocking and I bet she'd find some way to blame him. I did like he pointed "Ew" when Kevin and Jana were doing their weird back and forth flirting. We were all thinking it.

Oh, lord, Phyllis, stop it. Stop all this martyr shit. It doesn't suit you. It ruins you. Leave the sobbing to Sharon.

Michael and Phyllis talking about their babies never fails to make me go EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Carmen is quite the little ho, ain't she? First she sleeps with Jack in the fucking breakroom ("Who spilled cream all over the table? Tastes like bleach.") and now she's daydreaming of Neil. What are they doing with this character?

When does Dru come back? Seriously, Victoria Rowell, the beautiful, the talented, the magnificent Victoria Rowell, return to meeeeee!

"Soon, baby, soon."
"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."
"I said "baby", not "Big Poppa.""
"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."
"I--oh nevermind. Big Poppa."
"Siiiiiiiiigh."