Jarn: Together Again For The Third Time

*This is pretty lengthy, read at your own risk*

SO...it's been a pretty big soap week. With the cancellation of Passions (yay!boo!), the firing of Cady McClain (BOO!) and more pathetic ratings and horrible writing (same old, same old) Jase and I got into a pretty lengthy discussion (rant, vent, bitchfest) about the state of soap operas. It's at times rambling and uh, off-topic but gets pretty intense towards the end (Jase is a great writer):

Jase: OH WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm sorry, I had to come back. DIXIE?

Darn: What?

Jase: Apparently SOD has scooped that the Satin Killer kills Dixie.

Darn: NO!

WHAT WHY?

Jase: It's not confirmed, but is making the rounds.

Insane.

Darn: WTF?

Cady did just take down her ABC blog.

Jase: I suppose it could be part of someone's wind up to try and convince people of this ludicrous rumor that AMC is going exclusively to SN and cutting most of its vets, but.

Darn: Oh geez.

Then there is no point to AMC, why even continue?

Lord. I don't even know anymore.

Jase: I personally do not believe that AMC will go to SoapNet and cut all its vets to do it. I don't buy that.

Nor am I sure this Dixie thing is true.

SOD news generally comes out on THURSDAYS.

Maybe P&G lured Cady back, this is just stupid.

Darn: Well, that was pointless.

I don't think Cady would go back to ATWT where they've recast Hunt's part.

Jase: Well, who knows.

But Jesus how stupid if it's true.

They spent all this time on it and cast two little girls and for what?

Darn: So basically Dixie came back to do nothing and then die for real. What a waste.

Jase: That's just awful. How will they try to explain THIS in the press? "Uh, Dixie's story was...told?"

Darn: McTavish WILL definitely say that.

Jase: After ALL that fanfare. Ridiculous.

"We, uh, brought back Kate twice just so we could kill Dixie off right then. No, really. Seriously."

Darn: Tad and Dixie still have a respectable fanbase and all they've done is fuck with them for a year.

"It was integral to the journey."

Jase: "And by journey, we mean end of the journey."

What will really make me laugh is if they claim it was planned when she came back. HAHAHAHA!

Darn: Please.

Jase: That was my Stewie Griffin laugh.

Well, if it's any consolation this is how I felt when I heard about Gabrielle.

Darn: I mean, they went out and purposely found two little girls that resemble Cady and are adorable and Tad and Dixie could FINALLY be happy and together and they kill her off? WHAT THE FUCK?

Just…dumbness.

Jase: When was the decision made? And it had to be made either by Cady or to cut costs, and recently.

Otherwise, why cast the girls.

"No, no, don't cut Josh or Amanda or Annie, these are characters we NEED, who is left? WHO?"

brb, keep ranting

Darn: "Di and Aiden have BIG THINGS on the horizon! BIG THINGS!"

Jase: Seriously, how is Di not dead?

I thought that bitch would be next.

But no, apparently we need Di and not Dixie.

Darn: Di is so very important to the fabric of the show.

I feel like all soaps are giving an intentional Fuck You to everything we want.

EVERYTHING.

Jase: And you know she will cry about it. "Who would have thought that...the real Dixie would be killed..."

Darn: “Well, time to curl mah hair and sex up Tad, this is so hard for me but Dixie would have wanted it this way.”

Jase: It's confirmed.

Darn: AW HELL!

Jase: As a SON poster notes, it seems she might have given some hints in a recent FYI Q&A thingy for SOD.

"Sound that most annoys you: "You're fired"
What actor would you choose to play you: "I'm available!"
Worst job I ever had: "Hmmm...."
Biggest regret: "I'm working on it""

If they seriously fired her they are beyond brain damaged.

Darn: Woah, poor Cady.

Jase: What would possibly possess them to do this other than vicious budget cuts? Insane.

And even if you cut the budget, you don't kill off fucking Dixie after all this.

Darn: You know McTavish was all "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA YOU GUYS, A BIG HUGE TWIST!"

Exactly, you FIND A FUCKING WAY!

Jase: And that's how she will be quoted. "It's an amazing twist."

But it KILLS EVERY OTHER STORY FOR TAD AND THAT KID.

Darn: And it'll drive viewers off in droves.

Jase: EVERYTHING Tad and that family has done since Dixie died has been placeholding waiting for her ass to come back.

More than one person has it from SOD, it seems.

Without Dixie, they all just go back to placeholding, only now they have the kid, it's just, there was no point to ANYTHING.

Darn: Then she comes back, lurks for a dumbass reason and spends six months flirting with Ian Thornhart.

Jase: Patrick Thornhart.

Darn: He was Ian on PC and that's where I grew to hate him.

Jase: Yes, well, I hated him there too.

Darn: And also Y&R is just another soap now.

Jase: I found out I have an old tape with the last year of PC on it, with Lainey the werewolf, etc.

Michael Easton actually seems awake there. I hated Caleb but he seems like he's acting.

Darn: Pizzaface. OLTL is so bad.

Jase: SO bad.

Darn: When do things with Bo/Nora/Lindsay start rolling?

Jase: I want to take heart in the fact that Hillary has a new big contract and will have story, apparently in March, but.

Darn: Yeah, BUT.

Jase: I also cannot stomach Todd with Evangeline. CANNOT. And TSJ needs to seriously stop fucking around. I have had enough of this shit.

Did you see Evangeline singing on New Year's? OH MY GOD.

Darn: Nice of Lindsay to say that EJ is nothing but a bastardy dipshit in order for Bo to be all "Hmm, you're kinda sexy, eh?". Whatever.

Jase: Yeah, QUICK CHANGE!

Darn: No and no thanks.

RJ, I meant.

And Paige is like that extra foot you don't need.

Jase: She...okay, so Claudia Reston got drunk and could not sing (and then left the show) and so WHO, WHO does Rex call in to sing instead?

Who just happens to be there?

OMG ITS EVANGELINE!!

And then that ho is all bashful and shit and then she starts singing some DISCO SONG. "Boogie-woogie-woogie..." And she does, like disco moves, and the robot, I AM NOT KIDDING, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Meanwhile, EVERYONE is doing the white boy chicken dance to this great performance, REX, ADRIANA, DORIAN, EVERYONE.

This actually happened.

Darn: That girl has a GREAT voice, that Claudia person, I just started listening to some Hairspray and she's awesome. But Claudia had no purpose.

LOL

Jase: I wanted to beat the shit out of her every time she took time out to SING.

Darn: Did the whole cast take time to tell Vangie how wonderful she is?

Jase: Oh, Darnell. Um, this is going to send your blood pressure sky high but this is apparently re: Dixie's exit, unconfirmed quote, but..

""[Tad and Dixie] was our original plan, but then we received our focus group feedback and realized that more fans want to see Babe and Crystal storylines, so we had to let someone go. At this time, it seems most plausable to kill of Dixie and open the door for a Crystal, Tad, Kate, and baby storyline. Fabulous things are on the horizion at AMC. We do wish Cady the best."

Darn: No, I don't believe that. That is entirely too close to what we've written.

Jase: Yeah, well.

Darn: I refuse to believe that.

PEOPLE HATE BABE AND KRYSTAL, THEY HAAAAAATE THEM! THEY HAVE FOR YEARS!

Jase: They would have to be insane to publicize a quote like that.

Darn: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Jase: Especially at this point. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HIRED THESE CONSULTANTS?

Darn: And it spells Krystal's name wrong.

I don't even give a fuck anymore, ya know?

Jase: Insane.

I am really, really sorry.

This is about what it would do to me if they had really killed Nora. Gabrielle is somewhat comparable but slightly less.

Darn: If OLTL does something good with Bo/Nora/Lindsay I'll be even more pissed.

Because I could have had it all. Tad and Dixie and my Bo and Nora.

Jase: That is unbelievable.

That will kill AMC. Maybe that's what they want. This is so insane.

It's just staggering to me that they could be THAT stupid.

Darn: The show isn't worth the effort anymore.

Jase: No, it really isn't.

Darn: They're not, this is purposeful, they want it dead.

And GL is killing Tammy.

Not that it even compares.

Jase: Aren't she and Pelphrey BOTH leaving? Why do that?

Darn: That's what I mean.

They want to drive us off.

Jase: If it is purposeful, then I would say if an ABC soap is to be cancelled it might be AMC after all. Not that I necessarily believe that rumor and I always thought it would be OLTL first.

Jase: Write an angry letter. Just to do it.

Darn: Yeah, that'll help.

Jase: It can help. I know from experience. It blows off some steam.

Darn: I'm not even that mad.

Just confused.

I don't feel like particularly watching or writing about Y&R to be honest.

Jase: It's hard to want to write anything about any of em right now, even DOOL, which is good.

Jeff Zucker says DOOL will probably not continue on NBC past '09. Fuck you too, sir.

Darn: Oh joy.

So it's just Fuck The Soaps Week, isn't it?

Jase: Apparently.

Darn: Bindi Urwin scares me.

Jase: Me too.

Darn: Wow, so he said that, huh?

Jase: Apparently.

Darn: I'm surprised.

Jase: Me too. It's just tacky. I could use some less fuck me news about the soaps.

Darn: Why not just cancel them both? I mean, really.

Jase: No. DOOL is doing well, that wouldn't be right.

Darn: I mean, it's gonna be gone in 2 years, he's said as much, why even pretend that they care?

Jase: Because it has a chance.

Either at NBC or on ABC, Frons has always wanted it, but I would not be willing to lose a soap to take it.

Darn: They fired Cady. FIRED HER. Yet we still have Di, Del, Aiden, Amanda, Annie, Josh, Babe and Krystal.

After Julia Barr I should not be surprised.

Jase: It is amazing, I am.

I was numb to GH killing Alan because they've killed a number of people the last few years they shouldn't have, and will probably also kill Scott. By AMC and Dixie threw me.

Darn: Because she was actually onscreen and frontburner.

I'm surprised GH has kept him and Leslie Charleston as long as they have.

Jase: I'm sure she's next. It took Frons a while but he eventually got to throw out everyone he wanted to.

He wanted Adam, Alan, Monica, etc out years ago. I am sure Adam and Palmer are next since Frons was gunning for David Canary right when he got to ABCD.

Darn: I think he was brought on to slowly destroy the soaps, to make then so unrecognizable that the few fans left wouldn't care when they're cancelled.

When Adam leaves AMC falls apart.

Jase: That's what people thought in the first place but I thought it was too crazy, that's not good business. I still have a hard time believing that. But this latest shit...

Darn: Yeah, and it's kinda working on me. I literally can't watch AMC for more than 20 seconds. It's just so full of agendas.

Who supports the transgendered shim accused of murder before anyone else? Babe. Because Babe is love and this backwards hick understands that Zarf is a "she" and should be respected as such. No one else "gets it".

Jase: Shim Sham.

I could really use some good news. I can't talk any more of the happy talk bullshit these stupid, stupid executives spit out in the press.

"Yes, we killed Dixie, but these characters are going on a journey." After so many years and such a long death spiral it ALL sounds the same.

Darn: I swear the heads of all the networks got together and decided they would destroy their own shows. Look at Y&R; I've never seen the viewers so divided.

Jase: Why don't they just admit it? We hate it, they know we hate it, they know the shows suck, they know why the shows suck, they just refuse to acknowledge it.

Darn: They FIRED people who had worked on the show for over 20 years and brought on ALL NEW PEOPLE.

They MUST know they suck, they can't possibly look at their product and think "This is good.".

Jase: It's like to do that would be unprofessional. No, unprofessional would be continuing this.

But they refuse to acknowledge the viewership. They can't honestly still believe there is some new, young tween viewership out there for them to snag. That dream has to be gone. So they think all they left is middle aged housewives sitting on recliners and that they have no brains and will watch anything. They KNOW it's bad and they know everyone can see through the obvious agendas, they get the mail, but somehow it would be "unprofessional" to acknowledge the blaringly obvious.

Jase: I don't even know what to say. I'm just tired. Unless I could bring it to the public and put it in someone at the network's face I just can't.

And I've written all the fucking letters before, over and over.

It's like, either fix them, or cancel them tomorrow and stop WASTING ALL OF OUR FUCKING TIME pretending any of you give a shit.

Julie Carruthers, Turner's favorite fucking executive producer in the world because she did Port Charles, presided over this. She has some brains. Why does she allow it?

Why do they bother giving out these breathless, effusive quotes month after month, week after week in that sham soap press? Don't waste my time.

Darn: I just feel so useless, a genre we love is dying this horrible death. I'd be much happier seeing all the soaps cancelled tomorrow. I mean, last episode tomorrow. Just cut them off.

They're all bleeding to fucking death.

Jase: That's what I'm saying. DON'T WASTE MY TIME.

Stop with the enthusiastic bullshit quotes in the magazines about your latest horseshit story or the latest shitty young actor you managed to give one of those worthless Emmys to or the latest Broadway hire who cannot act and sings too much and don't tell me more about what John McBain will be doing in the summer and just STOP. You know it sucks, you clearly don't care about it or about what people want, so make yourselves happy. STOP and CANCEL IT.

EDIT: I foolishly forgot to mention the passing of Darlene Conley, Sally Spectra was a force of nature and that was all thanks to Darlene Conley's portrayal.