Y&R - GO HOME, AMBER!

Ugh, of all the actors, of all the CHARACTERS they (LML and her minions) could have brought back they bring on AMBER FUCKING MOORE! She was a succubus on The Bold and the Besutiful, all she'll do here is take away from people we like and actually care about! What in the FUCK is going ON over THERE?!

Goddamn squeeky voiced moron.

Y&R - Tuesday - Jack Attack

As a Jack fan I'm feeling pretty glum these days, not really in the mood to comment on a day full of sub-humans like Gloria saying that Jack is "the most selfish man in the world" (HA! You'd know, bitch) my boy is getting torn down by everyone and their moms (no, really, Nick and Nikki hate him as do Jill and Kay, I tell no lies). It's sad, sad, sad. But I still love Jack and that? That's...

JUST TERRIFIC!

A sequel, there's some Phyllis thrown in for good measure.

JUST TERRIFIC 2!

Y&R - Monday - Gloworm

Gloria: [to baby Finn] Goobye, my precious.

DING, DING, DING!

Don't see it? Maybe this will help.

Okay. How about now?

It's like a mirror-image. I declare thee Glolum.

Kay: Always a gentleman, Paul.

Except when he's raping people. Oopsie! That didn't happen! Why do people keep hiring him? His clientele only consists of friends and acquaintances.

No way could Jack run for public office, the skeletons in his closet looks like a veritable graveyard. So Victor's going to encourage him to go into politics and then sabotage his campaign? Oh no, this is not Victor at all. This relies far too much on chance. What if Jack is adamant about not running? What if he goes for it and he's immediately shot down? There is no guarantee that Jack will end up humiliated and Victor doesn't like things that aren't guaranteed. Nikki all sex-kittenish and plotting with Victor is nice to see though.

What hasn't Jana done? "I was a coked out junkie whorah! I gave it up for money! It was delightful! Lauren, did you know that a spoon full of sugar helps the heroine go down? The heroine go down, the heroine go dooooown! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is codeword for smack!"

THEORY Will Bardwell is Katherine's real child, Y&R loves it's psuedo-incest THEORY

Sup, Drucilla?

We know Gloria is the resident cockatoo but Dru is acting like a straight up chickenhead. Simmadownnow, woman! Maybe if you calm down you'll give others a moment to process what you're saying and perhaps, just perhaps, consider your position. Acting like a fool has gotten you absolutely nowhere. Except your entire family accused of murder. It got you there.

GH - Monday - IT'S AN INTERNET WAR YALLS

OMG Alcazar and Ric have taken over the Internets! Sonny and Jason and their black friend have to stop them!!111oneONEpublicenemyONE What a load of shit. I'm sure Jason and Sonny are all over that sophisticated programming language.

10 PRINT "General Hospital";
20 INPUT "Is Genie Francis on today?"; A
30 IF (A="Y") THEN GOTO 80
40 IF (A="N") THEN GOTO 90
50 INPUT "jason says killric"
Syntax error.
60 INPUT "kjill alczare"
Syntax error.
70 INPUT "shootalzacar"
80 RUN
90 SHOW SUCKS DONKEY COCK = END

I'm a dick, angel! A huge, sick, selfish dick! Mmm, I like this pole.

GH - Week 11/6-10 etc - Laura Gets Fucked, and other stories

Laura: ...Man, fuck that red disco dress, Luke, fuck it! Look at me! Would you just fucking look at me! It's amazing what basement fire sale ratings and a huge sucking vacuum of fans leaving town like the Jews across the desert can do to improve my negotiation ability! Finally, I have the hair and the clothes I always wanted! Let's see Jill wear this black leather shit! She'll be drummed out of the Pat Benatar lookalike contest down at the drag club! The vastly superior male Pat Benatars will beat the shit out of her! "Open up the trenchcoat" my ass! I can rock this, Luke! I can rock this! This is so life-affirming! Fuck the drugs, Luke, you should've put me in these clothes four years ago!
Luke: You look like Sting in Dune, angel. And if I may say, your personal Captain Ahab always wanted to spear that particular whale too. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Laura: I don't care for your jargon.
Luke: Neither does anyone. I'm so old. Can I still drink myself to death, angel?
Laura: No. Laura demands strong-ass dick.

Seriously though: I'm sorry, but as beautiful as she looks up there (when I first wrote this bit about two weeks ago) , Laura is getting fucked on this return. Hard, long, possibly with a porcupine.

It's bad enough that I have broken my no-fastforwarding role to speed through the pointless hours of GH and watch only the portions that include Laura and the Spencers, because honestly it is that fucking bad otherwise. It's bad enough that Laura is only two or three days a week tops. But SRSLY that Luke and Tracy conversation the other day, in which Tracy spat out the Guza party line that Laura was a weak housewife who dragged Luke down and should've stayed with Scott, and Luke reacted with middling ambiguity and wistful desire that he wish he knew of Tracy's supposed longstanding affection for him years ago, was the last motherfucking straw.

You know what? I like Luke/Tracy. I do. Tony Geary and Jane Elliot are excellent together and she makes him interesting again. It's a worthy alternate pairing to Luke/Laura for me. Because honestly? I was never a big L&L forever shipper. I used to ship Luke/Alexis and I would love a good new pairing for Laura. I didn't think they earned that insta-fuckin-reunion in 2002 at all. Luke was still a fucking drunk railyard hobo prick who refused to acknowledge her first son, and Laura could've done a lot better. He's been unworthy of her for years. Guza and Geary took it way too fucking far when Guza took over in the '90s. While I understand the value and importance of Luke's dark side and his rogue nature, and the initial Cassadine return storyline and rape revisitation were fucking brilliant, they ultimately went over the line. Because, see, no, Tony, I'm sorry; I don't believe Luke views his sister as nothing but a whore. And no, Tony, I'm sorry, but I don't believe Luke saw hookers regularly while married to Laura. Tony Geary is a brilliant actor and rumored to be a brilliant script doctor, he deserves all the credit he can get for keeping a lot of integrity for a lot of characters, but he is also at least partially responsible for Luke turning into nothing but a fucking joke over the last seven or eight years. Luke should not be the fucking drunk town mascot sitting on a park bench counseling closeted Lucas Jones to go visit his favorite hookers down on the docks. Luke should not come and go constantly and still pretend he gives a fuck for his daughter. The "adventure follies" where Luke does something completely unrelated to anything, anywhere, ever and it's fun because it's Luke have gotten old.

Now, any new pairing for Luke has to address his total immaturity, jackassery and inability to take responsibility for who and what he has become, which is, in a word, pathetic. Luke and Tracy as a couple once seemed like they were poised to do that, and I applauded it. The chemistry was there, the acting was there, even the writing was occasionally there. But then he had Coleman or whoever the fuck it was fuck her in his stead, and then it just turned into another series of demeaning gag routines, and once again a promising new couple was ruined in exchange for more of the same. But, see, apparently Guza still thinks this is gold! Because he skewed the whole set of scenes with Luke and Tracy the other day totally in favor of Luke/Tracy, relegating Laura to the role of "deluded idiot housewife who never really understood Luke." I guess that's why Laura left Scott for him and lived it up globetrotting, because she hated the adventure, right? Right. Sure. What a crock of horseshit. And yet, they've been trying to sell this line for years. I tolerated it before because they couldn't really put it against anything to try to actively disprove it. But now, lo and behold, Luke and Tracy. Look how much better Luke/Tracy are, guys, OMG! Look how Tracy understands him! I will say this: The Luke/Tracy conversation was, taken on its own, very, very well written and performed. The actors were excellent. And, if it was about anybody other than fucking Luke and Laura I would not be really angry about it. But it was, and I am. It was skewed horseshit and people need to know it. I may be tired of Luke and Laura a lot of the time but they deserve their respect and their proper acknowledgement. They aren't getting it. But that's not the only reason I have to be really, really angry.

Persona: En hinna vid Ingmar Bergman

So it's rumored they begged Genie to come back. "Genie, come back, we need you, it's this anniversary, we'll suck your dick!" But here we are, right, and I'm trying to watch GH again for the first time in months on behalf of Laura Spencer and Genie Francis - because I'll tell you motherfuckers right now it wasn't because of Luke and motherfucking Laura - and what do I see, five days a week, jampacked into the whole hour, with barely any time for the sweeps superstar? Why, it's Jason and motherfucking Sam on the run, for what seems like the rest of eternity. Why are they on the run? What are they doing? Who are they running from? I have no idea. I don't fucking care. All I know is that they're on virtually the entire hour, almost every day, dressed like identical fucking matching Nazi leather queens (as opposed to hot-ass leather girls like Laura above) , toting toy guns and bitching about Ric and Lorenzo or something. And apparently this and the Sonny/Carly/Jax video monotone that I also FF through are so very fucking important that we can only have a fraction of the Luke and Laura this show knows it needs. You know, when you promote the hell out of the new young doctors and nurses, when your new promotional logo is that of a doctor's white lab coat, when you got big ratings out of the returns of Rick Springfield and Kimberly McCullough, and when you're banking on Laura Spencer to save your November, maybe it's time to begin to come to terms with the fact that the mob scene is fucking dead. Hospital logo, popular hospital characters, Luke and Laura, mobsters, which one of these things is not like the other? You sit there and watch this shit and Jason and Sam and Sonny and all their whole crew just smell dead by comparison to me. It's just dead. Kill it. Let it go.

Yet, they haven't let it go yet. The fact that they only put Genie fucking Francis, who they hope will save ABCD's sweeps singlehandedly, on three out of five days a week for maybe three or four weeks is incredible and unacceptable. The fact that they've done this with the story, and made sure to keep things like Luke/Tracy on the backburner and in the ready position for when Laura hits the road, is really disgusting and really unforgivably stupid. There was surely a better way to keep the Luke/Tracy stuff burning without having to run scenes like that that make at least one writer's feelings crystal clear to the audience. The plain facts are, you are never going to get 90% of the audience, if not more than that, to believe that Luke is "over" Laura and their love, has moved on, and is deeply interested in something with Tracy and "wishes he had known" of her interest years ago when he was with Laura. You are never going to get them to believe that Tracy Quartermaine and Luke's marriage to her are anything but an afterthought for him at this point. It can't work. And yet they wrote and shot and aired it anyway. Because all they can see is next month, post-Laura. It will cost them. And I will be paid in full, motherfuckers! Paid in full.

...What was I talking about?

DOOL - Friday, etc - Nick Fallonator Brings Sexy Back & Wants To Inseminate You

Oh, yes, ladies. That's right. He ain't gripping his central waist/crotch in a pyramid-like, Freemason-esque shape
for nothing. It's a signal. It's Nick Fallon's phallocentric vortex of love. Ladies. Laaaaaaddiiiieeeessss. And also, more likely, guys.

Nick Fallon orders you to nestle in his armpit hair. So get to it, bitches. The nestling, that is.

Damn! I just, damn! Damn.

Seriously though, it's been a great few weeks for the show since Hogan Sheffer took over, and an even greater one this week. He's adding the first of his new people, and among them is your new best friend and mine - mostly mine - The Fallonator. And I ask you, what's not to love? The charming functional, three-dimensional geek character who can win and be happy, the type we so rarely see in soaps. The great chemistry with future Nick's Bitch, Chelsea, who he will surely eventually fully extricate from her obsession with The Parents I Barely Know. The connection to the Hortons, specifically Marie "Whorish Nun" Horton. The dick-sucking lips. It's all great! Oh, I love him. Stay forever, Fallonator. Inseminate us all, you brilliant geneticist. That's right, I spoke for all of you.


Then came the drunken Bo/Billie almost-sex. Hawt. I was stunned to discover Peter Reckell still has a great, eatable chest and stomach. Anyway, very hot, very stupid for Billie. But it was also good closure, which they desperately needed. Still, you know...any time, more fucky fucky? It might be amusing. And then I'd want her off the show again. Which I already do, even though I think Julie Pinson is doing a great job in what is a pointless go-nowhere role. She totally inhabits the character's whole history, especially when, in the last few weeks, they made Billie discuss her addictions and her abuse by her father. Every choice Pinson makes is totally real. I also appreciate that the writers are taking steps to end Chelsea's obsession with the two of them, and rationalize it - that it's really about her need for acceptance and any kind of touchstone as a recent orphan (from the Bensons) than about Bo and Billie themselves, and is doomed to reality.


I thought Shawn and Belle with Victor was great. Hogan and the new writers are really taking pains to show Shawn and Belle as individuals and intelligent adults and it's really resonating with me. I can buy them as adults for the first time, and I can buy them together for the first time. I really enjoyed that stuff, and I love that Victor's scheming against them. Hogan's spoken repeatedly about his affection for the Victor character and his desire to show him and his family as powerful again, and it was clear that they wanted to remind people of Victor's place on the show. Good stuff. Shawn/Belle = Potential New Legitimate Adult Hotness. I accept your challenge, Hogan Sheffer. Ganbatte!

The Maggie and Caroline scenes this week have been smashing. People say Hogan Sheffer hates vets but honestly, even as just talk-tos, we see so much more of them lately and it's good material. That conversation between Maggie and Billie about addiction was aeons more adult than anything that's been on this show in over ten years. And look! They showed Maggie and Caroline talking to each other! In private! As friends! With no one else under the age of fifty there! And they are not immediately executed by studio guards! Oh, it is to love.

Steve and Kayla, great. I just, I have had enough of the budget edition of Outbreak. Please to make with the hot romance and cheesy '80s music.

Proof Abe and Lexie cannot have nice things: What happened to this fucking cake?! All that build-up to their wonderful dessert and they left it there untouched! What happened to the cake? Bitches eat your cake or you never get to eat again! Oh the anger!

Y&R - Tues - Questions, Questions, Questions

I've got questions, you have answers! Probably not considering these plots are written on the fly. Let's get to it!

Woah, woah, woah, when did Y&R hire Linda Hamilton? That female detective reminds me of her.

Neil: How are you feelin'?
Dru: I feel terrible.
Neil: Yeah?
Dru: I feel like something terrible's gonna happen.

Damn right, in the very next scene.

Dru: I know about jail, I've been there, I know he won't survive it!

Are you calling Devon a pussy? I'm not disagreeing! I just want to be clear. Cause then I can call him one too. Pussy. Deaf pussy.

Is Dru going to one of those grand jury hearings where there's a funeral processional?

The first scene of Neil and Dru commiserating over their situation wasn't terribly long but it has the beautiful benefit of being the last scene before You Know What The Fuck came on screen and my last shred of hope for Dily died.

Now if we have to put up with the return of the original performer for one character then I have but one question to ask:

WHERE IS HEATHER TOM?

WHERE?



WHERE?



WHERE?!

Why are you such a Bitch with a Capital C, Phyllis? Christ, I hate that heffa. You talking about Dru being capable? Takes one attempted murderer to know another, I guess, bitch.

Hoobastank and Nickelback? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's like they sat down and found the lamest and tamest "rock bands" to make Professor...Reliquary (? I haven't been paying attention, I think he might be Jewish? It's an invasion!) a fan of.

Why do I find it so hard to believe that Michael cares this much about the fate of the Winters' (The Winters this, the Winters that, isn't it fall? STFU)? Certainly he's grown and changed as a character over the years but he seems to be taking this case as a personal offense.

Who Killed Carmen? Was it NeilDruJackLilyDanielDevonMichaelSharonVictoriaorBrad?!

And The Most Important Question of All

Who cares?

Y&R - Eh

I have two weeks worth of shows to look at and I don't have the physical or mental wherewithall to watch them. A man can only cry so much, people.

Let me take a WILD GUESS as to what's happened.

• Nick and Phyllis were happy, happy, joy, joy.

• Everybody ran around looking for a goddamn art project.

• Gloria didn't die yet. Yes, "yet". Fuck you, I have to have some dreams.
  

• Indigo opened in record fucking time.
  

• Carmen died. So many suspects, so little motivation.
  

• Now everyone is running around town like chickens with their heads cut off. Mmmm, chicken. I had that for lunch and dinner. Well, my lunch was my dinner because I had like 25 wings and I can't even eat 25 wings in one sitting. So I brought it home, heated them up and they were good. Sweet and tangy barbeque. I should order from that place more. Where is that number? I can never keep track of things, so disorganized. I need a dayplanner. I'm going to get a dayplanner. How much do you think those things run for? I don't want one from the dollar store, everytime I buy on the cheap the stuff falls apart. Another thing I need to do, not be so cheap. But I digress.

You know, I survived Dru and Damon chasing a fucking flower in Japan for a month, Sharon getting chased through the streets of Wisconsin by a pack of Politcally Correct gangsta rapists, pedophile and rapist Kevin getting off scotfree yet this, THIS shit is what drives me away. Hmmm, is it me? Is it some pre-conceived notion I have that a new head writer brings change and I'm simply being unreasonable? Are these plot developments things I would have accepted were Jack Smith still in charge?

Alright, I just scanned Friday's ep. Scanned. I got the gist of the scenes and none of them seemed like improvements. A bunch of morons, boring morons, doing boring things boringly. Insipid plots that a fanfic writer would have taken under revision.

But since this is Davetta's last day I'll say something nice: White is her color. Girl looks good. I hope those Days rumors are true so I can finally jump ship to that show.