GH - pre-Thursday - This Ain't No Disco

Laura: I wish I still did coke so I could wear that dress.
Luke: No, you don't, angel.
Laura: No, I don't. Luke, tell the people to watch my show today or else I will beat them to death like Rick.
Luke: You heard my wife.
Laura: Thank God they conditioned my hair at Shadybrook. Do you remember what it was like when I left? I looked like Jessica Lange.
Luke: Oh, that's low, Missus Spencer.
Laura: That's really low.

Y&R - Tuesday - Dollyhoodrat

Oh Day-day, Imma miss yooooou, gurl.

Meet me on the trail, it's going down. Meet in the mall, it's going down. Meet me in the boardroom, it's going down. Professionalism in Genoa City runs rampant!

This whole Carmen Messed Up story has had two bright spots, Dru and Lily going all Crazy Black Woman on little Miss Delicate ("I'm so scared but I'll fight you, please don't hit, come on, hit me, I dare you! Ow!"). Normally I'd be all "God, can we stop with the crazy black chick stereotype? Please?" but honestly, I'm just glad that their ignorant ramblings are fun and funny and more enjoyable than all the other shite going down.

Next Week on The Young And The Restless: Nick and Phyllis honeymoon in Dollywood. The other guests question their class. Also, rollercoasters are now safe for the incubated.

"YEEEEEHAW!"

Shut the fuck up and SITTHEFUCKDOWN! What a trippy, stupid wedding. And it went off with "funny" hitches and Southern stereotypes, HOW IS THAT NOT FUNNY? Laugh, damn you! Phyllis is. That baby is gonna be born with hiccups.

I love that D.A. Will Bartlett has nothing better to do than visit Carmen at Newman, like he's her personal attorney. Which this seems more like, like a civil suit or something. I mean, 2 to 8 years? For giving the woman a fucking noogie? Shit, I should get a life sentence.

Michael...needs to stop calling that...child...Fenmore. It just sounds weird! Call him Finn or call him Premature Soap Infant #12,987. But no more Fenmore. Shouldn't Michael worry that Phyllis isn't Phyllis and that Sheila is Phyllis? Oh, right, he's dumb now. Forgot.

Lily: Bitch say what?
Carmen: What?
Lily: Thought so.

OH, I'm gonna miss you.

Y&R - Monday - Wicked Witch of the Midwest

CARMEN DESERVES TO DIE DIE DIE

OMG (say it out loud, O-M-G, like Beyonce), she SOOOOOOO deserves to die. 2 weeks of being TOLD she deserves to DIE and is gonna DIE has CONVINCED me that we need the bitch to DIE. I am but a Gumby or a Stretch Armstorng, meable beyond belief. Completely without my own thoughts, unable to understand subtlty, the only way to get through to this old noggin is to hit it REPEATEDLY with banal and uninspired writing! JINKIES JOY JEEPERS!

The MAYHEM will be ENDLESS (Endless Mayhem, it's the title of my forthcoming arena rock band album, in stores this November, cop that!) for this HORRID HEIFER! HOPEFULLYEEEEE!

Maybe her death won't be so violent, MAYBE she'll drown!

"Ahh! Ahh! Save me from a mismanaged character and heavy-handed writing!"

I can't believe Reva is hiding her cancer from Josh! So selfish!

Wait, wait, Y&R, right. Mah mind drifted.

Ashley and Mr. Kim, there is way too much testosterone in that room. Maybe they could share some with Kevin. And Michael. And JT. And Brad. And Jack.

Sorry but if they expect me to buy Brad being haunted by his past after 20 years of him being a big ole whore...well, I'm just not gonna. Brad had a sister he cared about deeply? SINCE WHEN? Brad saw the aftermath of his family's brutal murder? SAY WHO WHAT WHEN?

Just hack all over the baby, Gina. Bring your snot-filled teddy bear to the NICU where the premature infant is trying to not die. Allergies or not, that's moronic. And okay, oooookay, Sheila did not cut 2 feet off her frame and gain 50 pounds. I used to think Michael and Lauren were the smartest people on this show. Not so much anymore, huh?

Isn't it great how Phyllis is flying in her third trimester? Maybe they covered that? Maybe--whatever. You know, Phylick, your child is already borne of an affair, being married before the little bastard gets here isn't gonna change much.

You know I hope Phyllis is Sheila, maybe then we'd be rid of this GigglyHeffa we've been stuck with for months. I could totally get behind Sheila acting incredibly vacuous as Phyllis and Nick not catching on. You know, they're not known for their intelligence.

Nick: Phyllis are what? ARGHARGHARGH, vagina!

Base and unfunny, that's me! Deal.

DOOL - Monday - IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SERIOUS.

O RLY?

That's what Bo needs at the office - just a big old T-shirt with O RLY? scrawled on it. That's his whole attitude.

So, I really liked yesterday. I think they are trying to show more of people on the job, slowly but surely, which was the same reason I loved Hope and Abe talking about her work last week. I often forget Hope is actually a cop herself, as opposed to some vestigial appendage of Bo which escaped his body one night when he was drunk and throwing up after another night of homosexual panic among the Merchant Marine. I will give them time and latitude as to setting up showing more of people's occupations, as they are still cleaning out old plots. Though I have loved what I've seen of Kate in the office. For years, I wrote Lauren Koslow off as the worst caricature of soap acting, all simpering and purring every line and batting fuck-me eyes at nearly fiftysomething; I mean, that's all Kate's been for a long time. But in just a brief time, in those scenes with E.J., she's been more interesting than she's been in maybe a decade to me, and a lot of that is owed to the sparkling dialogue, but LK has also made it work too.

Don't that bitch know I's endangered?

Chelsea's plan was damn stupid and she looked completely ridiculous, like some kind of Muppet Show, grades K through 8 version of a hooker, and I swear to God that was a tauntaun skin she was wearing as a coat. And did she have to ply her wares on Sesame Street in broad daylight? Because that's what that set looked like. But all faking aside, don't play like it didn't occur to you right after the bust that you could've made a few extra dollars on a few rounds of oral, Chels. Like, "Oh snap! Why didn't I draw this shit out?" That's okay, girl. Hindsight. Hindsight. Seriously, I have swiftly gone from seeing Chelsea as a ridiculous, nevershouldalived irredeemable Teen Antichrist to an actually compelling character. Hogan's writing has already done did it for me, starting with those scenes with Stephanie that could've been a rote young bitchfest and turned into something else more honest and benevolent. And the scenes with Kate were great, even if the values the two espoused were not the best and Chelsea needs to get the fuck over Bo/Billie. So, I'm looking fwd to the char's future, even if a few more dumb stunts like this have to come.

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SERIOUS.

Damn, Abe, I've got a new game you and Lexie can play at home, it's called It's Not Even That Serious. I love James Reynolds and think he's a great actor but now I'm not just scared of Abe when he finds Lexie, say, getting done up the butt by the pest control man, I'm scared of Abe all the time. What the fuck was that in the restaurant? Fists all up and flailing when Tek Produces The Ring? He's gonna trash the place! I love it! Abe, Abe, Abe. Abe! It's Not Even That Serious. And Tek, stop pretending like you want anything other than to not have to go back to being an unemployed former studio dancer from The Grind. "Marry me, Lexie! Come be Mr. Tek...whatever my last name is! I can be a contract player, we can be the black tentpole couple, we can do this!" In other, inconsequential news, I also loved Lexie and Abe's dialogue at the restaurant. "Want to marry me, have the most adorable kid in the world and live happily ever after?" Ooooh stop playing DiMera squeeeee!!!

Mimi and Bo's convo was great, and funny. "Please make sure Shawn doesn't catch a disease." And Bo learned a new word! "Condense." Seriously, though, it was delightful, despite Mimi being dressed like a Maoist or something. What was that about? I love that Bo still wanders around the office like Detective Casual Motherfucker. Paper cup clutched in his teeth like a damn animal, hair everywhere, wearing what looked like a CBGBs shirt, it's okay! Starting fights with the other officers, being surly and in his own place, stealing the files, it's okay! Until Abe spanks him. Bo: It Is That Serious.

I loved Kayla and Billie's conversation, too; again, it was adult and honest without being some juvenile bitchfest like the DOOL we know all too well. I love that Billie is rocking her gender-neutral, sexually-unthreatening Shirley MacLaine @ The Children's Hour ponytail and brown clothes. "I want you to know my box is not hot for Stnick today. Well, right now. At this moment. In the last hou...ten minutes. I await the arrival of an even more raw-ass man than he, perhaps one who has lost both eyes, or a finger, or a hand, to fuck me proper." Back off, Billie! Kayla and her various stolen Purple Rain ensembles have you in check. Game: Blouses.

How about you and your friends...take on me...and the Revolution.

Also, um, I like Shayna Rose a lot, I think she's a great, unique hire for daytime, but seriously, can they dial back on the OMG CUTE FAMBLY!!!11 stuff with her and the parents. She's coming off too Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap. At any moment, I expect her to break out with "Ain't I a stinkah?"

Okay. I'm out.

Shoot the J! SHOOT IT!! Good hustle.

Now is probably a good time to mention - or, you know, months ago would've been good too - that I shamelessly gank almost all my DOOL pix from Sheryl's Days Of Our Lives 2 MSN group and The Early Edition. Now watch me have gotten her name wrong. Damn. Damn!

Y&R - Mikey Likes It! I Like Mikey!

Maybe not all is forgiven but thank you for FINALLY seeing the snakes on that creature's head.

Michael: We've already done enough already, haven't we?

Gloria: Honey, honey, this is not your fault.

Michael: No, it's not. It's yours.

Gloria: Mine?

Michael: Yeah, that's right.

Gloria: Honey, you don't mean that.

Michael: Oh, like hell I don't. It's always about you, isn't it, Gloria?

Gloria: Oh, Michael, come on.

Michael: Oh, yeah, what Gloria wants, what Gloria needs. Kevin and I are just around to run errands.

Gloria: Stop it! You stop it!

Michael: Oh, but if we'd had half a brain between the two of us, we would never have gotten involved. But we got sucked in again. 'Cause we just felt sorry for you. Because we can't stand seeing mommy upset. Forget that I promised my wife that I would never keep a secret from her again. Forget that kevin and I could've been locked up in prison if anyone had caught us! No! What was I thinking? What was I thinking putting myself on the line for you?! For what? A stupid job?

Mmmm, tastes like chopped suey. Too bad he let her then go and see the baby. I'm sure he regrets that decision considering what happened next...

Gloria: Michael, MICHAEL! FORGiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiVE Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee, MY-KELLLLLLLL! By GOD as my witness if you DO NAWT for-GIVE me I will EAT this baby [makes biting motion at the baby's head]! I swear I will! Yes, yes, it's YOUR CHILD but I think we ALL [points at everyone in the room, stopping to wink at Kevin] know the PRI-OR-ITY HERE!

FYI, Gloria cannot walk into a chapel. She'd burst into flames. So go pray, Glo, go pray.

It was a nice couple of days for couples fans, Neil and Dru and Michael and Lauren, VERY nice. That reconstructive surgery is going well on Neil's nether regions. He stood up to Carmen (and though I adore Dru, she makes the sun shine and the birds sings and keeps me in gummi bears and Chinese food, I can't help but logically agree with Carmen. She's right. There's really no way around that. Dru attacked her with little provocation and I don't think she deserves whatever's heading her way.)

And Michael is getting his sexyback, forget all the dry-humping and lusty voices and seductive dialogue, you know what's sexy? A husband massaging his pregnant wife's back. I think that's pretty attractive. I missed mah Laurel so so much.

Another couple I have a hard time even discussing, you guy's know who, they'll be destroyed soon enough and watching their last few days just breaks my hurt. Stupid, stupid show.

Ya'll know my Dru love is undeniable but she looked like Minnie Goddamn Mouse today.

Speaking of Disney...

POP QUIZ, hot shot:
One of these people was recently re-hired in the role of Lily Winters, who was it?!

Y&R - Suffering Succotash

Hi All! I'm here today with your weekly BS Report! Directly from CBS Studios/Bell Productions by way of Soap Opera Digest, read for the latest scoop of elephant dung!

Christel Khalil Comes "Home" As Y&R's Lily

As we reported in the last issue, Davetta Sherwood is out and Emmy nominee Christel Khalil (who departed last September) is back as Y&R's Lily. "It feels like I've never left!" she smiles. "Everyone's welcomed me with open arms."

"It feels like I've never left!" Yes, but you DID and you were replaced by someone better.

Though a spokesperson for Y&R has no comment, a source indicates that the show never wanted to lose Khalil in the first place and that they're "very happy to have the 'real' Lily back." So when Khalil felt the time was right to return, the show jumped at the chance to grab her.

Real Lily? REAL Lily? Fuck. You. Unnamed. Source.

The actress chose to return now, "Because it was the right time," she explains. "They contacted me. I talked to the show earlier, too, but at that point, I just didn't feel I was in the right place." So what's it like being the recast of her recast? "It really wasn't weird or awkward," she insists. "But it is a little strange that Lily's grown up so much. I had to go to Bryton, Michael and Kristoff and ask them what was going on."

Hmmm...who are we missing here? WHO? WHO? WHO? Why I think it's a lady who can smell bullshit when it's put on a plate in front of her with the expectation that she's sop it up.

And Lily HAS matured, BECAUSE OF DAVETTA! Damn you and your job stealing!

Still, Khalil is anxious to tackle a more mature Lily. "When I first came on the show, I was so young and couldn't deal with the stress of coming to work every day and having so much pressure on me," she admits. "Now that I've had time to grow up, I'm really excited about coming back. Now I know I can handle it and do my best and have fun. This time I was in the right frame of mind."

You simple bitch.

Now for some sense, from Victoria Rowell:

"Christel is a good actress. She's always done the part justice," says Rowell.

"She came to work on time. Knew her lines. Etcetera."

"I enjoyed working with Davetta. I felt she complemented the Winters family and, most definitely, the mother-daughter relationship. There was a gritty elegance about Davetta that mirrored Drucilla. I was sorry to hear she was no longer a part of the cast and I wish her the best in all her future endeavors."

"Davetta FELT LIKE A REAL PERSON, SHE WORKED AS DRU'S DAUGHTER, I WILL MISS HER, MY HEART BREAKS AS A TELL YOU THIS! CHRISTEL WHO? CHRISTEL WHAT? I DON'T HEAR YA!"

Okay, that last one was maybe a bit much. Maybe. Nah, it wasn't ENOUGH.

DOOL - Tues/Wed - Who Pooted?

E.J.: Did...did you...?
Sami: I...I thought...
E.J.: No! No, no...uh...
Sami: Yeah...
E.J.: Wasn't me.
Sami: Uh-huh. You are one smooth criminal, E.J. Wells.
E.J.: Sami, are you okay?! Are you okay?! Are you okay, Samiii?!
Sami: Jesus, I'm fine. Just stop farting at me.

Oh, it's been a long, hard road out of hell, folks, but finally happy days are here! Hogan Sheffer has arrived at DOOL, and while OLTL and GH have driven me away, at least here in Salem it's a:

BRAND NEW DAAAAYYYY!!!


yes, there is a link above. click it. i would put it in here direct-like but i ain't figured that out yet because i ain't a SOPHISTICATED PLAYA like some people darn.

...Yes, it's magic, hos. Everybody's dancing and stripping and gyrating with puppets, because goddamnit, good writing is back up in the Melas. If you get my drift. And I think you don't.

But first oh my brothers I must discuss the matter of the NuShawn, Brandon Beemer. Some call him Emo!Shawn. Some call him Unfrozen Caveman Shawn. I call him:

BLUE STEEL!!!!111one

Don't be afraid, babyyyyy. Just look into his eyes and it'll be okay babyyyyy. Hey, you know what, I don't think he's so bad. Just a little, um, In The Moment, let's put it that way. Yeah. Yeah. He's got his own thing going on. Brandon Beemer, he's in his own place.

emo...

Emo...!

EMO!!!!!!

I drive my car through your foundation walls because of the rage in my soul! Look at Victor, just standing there like, 'I'm an old man. My famous daughter don't give me shit. The fuck you want?' That's quality, John Aniston. Thank you. Thank you. And oh, Hope's little 'meh!' slap at Victor? Classic.

I love that Lucas has brought CryingGame!Will in on his cockblockery re: E.J. Jesus, I remember when this kid was they-high and had a cowlick or whatever. Look at him now. Not so much. That kid looks like he is in the Legion of Substitute Insane Clown Posse Members. I loved Sami narc'ing them out - "I've seen the movie, I know you were barely fifteen minutes into it, and I've been gone for hours!" No more Reilly logic, motherfuckers! You busted! Meanwhile, E.J. is Lucas' power top! Of course, I know this is not a big distinction among the male cast of DOOL and Lucas is everyone's favorite rambunctious noisy scheming bottom, but oh, when E.J. started to rassle him - it just - mmm. Sorry. Sorry.

E.J.: Look into my chest hair! Look! Looook, infidels!

Marlena: Ohh, I wish my daughter's favorite soup didn't come out of a can.
Belle: Well, it's not like I learned anything about cooking from my mother.
Marlena: Ho, ho, ho. I will cut you, bitch.

Seriously, though, I loved that Belle/Marlena convo. They actually seemed like a real family for once. Marlena seemed human, so did Belle; it wasn't all about the radiance gleaming off their jajijajos. They talked like mother and daughter. Marlena did her job. Without killing any people. That I know of.

This one is weak. I agree. But you know what, I am not Darn. I admit it. I am not Darn! It's difficult for me to rag on, oh, I don't know, a good soap! Which is what DOOL is fast becoming. And oh, does it taste good. Tastes like people. I will try to keep up.

And now, another series of cheap, pointless picture vignettes with no lasting humor.

Bo: Yeah, I'm wearing my leather jacket in the fancy restaurant. That's right. What, Fancy Face? It was - it was Casual Wednesday. Bo's Casual Wednesday. What? What? You got a problem with who I am? You - you got a problem with who I - forget it. Forget it. God. Eat the food yourself, Corpse Bride.



Bonnie: Tch. This tastes nothing like Patrick's cock.



Will: ...What?

Thus ends my Episode I: The Phantom Menace-esque return.

Y&R - Wednesday - Life is Ruff

You're On FUCKING Notice!

Just wanted to make that official. On with the show!

I found that linedancing/country party thing offensive to linedancers, country, parties and cows. Just...shut up. What is this, HeeHaw? HeeHaw Junior, now with more stupid. Shut up.

Like I always say Nick and Phyllis, nothing but class. No, no, sorries, I mean anything but class. That's better.

"Obviously the baby is furious with you too!" What a great line, THIS is why I love Lauren. Loved Michael and Lauren, they're both such strong characters which helps in maintaining their balance. And I like them with some conflict, even if the conflict made me hate Michael. Kevin's reaction to Lauren's accusation was bizarre, that's not like him, from what I know of him he'd be ashamed to have Lauren know something like that. But no, he's just "whatever" to it. What an asshole.

Dru looked like an English nanny with her cape get-up. It was cute. On her. Anyone else and--cute, Dru, cute! Not even gonna comment Dru getting a bail hearing so fast or Carmen up there like she's some fragile angel or how stupid this whole story is. See? Not commenting.

Ever since this new cycle (your branding has worked on me, Tyra!) of America's Next Top Model began I've thought one of the contestants, Brooke, greatly resembles Sharon Case.

Y/N?
(not the best comparison pics, I know)

Victor: Asamatteroffact, I have an idea, you will direct a movie starring Zapato.

BEST IDEA YOU EVER HAD, OLD MAN!

Let's be real here, is there any doubt that that would be THE BEST MOVIE IN CREATION? I DON'T THINK THERE IIIIIIIIIS! I'm imagining something like Life is Beautiful. Humor. Pathos. Language barrier. It's got it all really.

Y&R - Mon/Tues - Gizmo

Before we discuss anything, first we must address...this.

WHAT. IS. THIS. SHIT?

Disgraceful.

As much as I enjoy Dru grabbing that boring bitch Caaaarmen Meeeeesta by that fucked up bob on her head I DON'T enjoy her being ignorant by grabbing that boring bitch Caaaarmen Meeeeesta by that fucked up bob on her head. There was just no reason for that other than to make Dru look stupid and make me fall off my chair with laughter. It was FUNNY as all hell but damaging to Dru's character in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY! Birthday/Engagement party! On a Wednesday! Okay. I'm sick of everyone having a birthday, from Jill to Dru to Lily to Nick, everyone is having a fucking birthday. It's such a lazy, haphazard way of having an "event" without putting forth any effort.

Is Devon ever going to be a fully formed character? You know, a romantic interest, a story that doesn't revolve around a social issue, things like that. I don't think so and really, I'd rather they cut their loses than waste anymore time on the character. He's a healthy young man who's been on the show 3 years and hasn't once had a girlfriend or boyfriend and it doesn't look to be on the way so why? Kevin, the pedophile, gets love interests but not the relatively attractive and kind teenager? Makey no sensey. And BULLSHIT on Dru being called to work after her nearly DIED. That wouldn't happen in any conceivable world in any respectable workplace. It just wouldn't.

Dru looks so cute with her hair in that bun. She's so pretty. Too pretty to act this dumb. And ridiculous. Over the dickless wonder.

Zapato is the best damn thing to happen to this show in almost a year. He's special and magical and brightens my day. I want him to mate with my dog (Hi Felicia! Hi girl! Howareyou? Did you miss me? I missed you! Yes, I do!) and make perfect little puppies, who can fly and sing and tap dance to German hip-hop.

Is it wrong that everytime I see Phyllis and her belly I think of Gremlin cocoons?

And the result of this illicit affair (indulge me):



"Say what?! Illicit WHAT?!"



"OOOooooh, you crazy! Stop fo' you make me spit!"



"Chil', please! Noughfayou! Ooooweeh!"

Y&R - I Wish I Could Quit You

Alright, okay, I'm down but not out. You, show, are my bitch and I'm gonna blog your ass til I can't blog no mo'!

Unless you really piss me off, then--then I have to smack you up.

Y&R - The Breakup

A warning, I am clinically insane. Enjoy!

[Darn stands outside their apartment door, apparently exhausted from a long day but actually deep in thought, fearful of the reaction of what he's about to do. He slowly opens the door.]
Darn: Hi.
Y&R: Hello yourself! I'm so glad you're finally home! I made dinner!
Darn: Not hungry.

[Darn sits down on the couch, hands to his head and barely containing his comtempt]

Y&R: Of course you are. I made your favorite!
Darn: I said I'm not hungry, dammit.
Y&R: Woah, woah, bad day? I can make it better!
Darn: Actually, no, no you can't.
Y&R: But I always make your days better!
[Darn gets up and walks toward the window, he stares out of it knowingly]
Darn: You--you haven't made my days better in a long, long time.
Y&R: I don't understand.
Darn: That's something we have in common, I haven't understood you for months now.
Y&R: Psyeah! We've been happy!
Darn: Seemingly so. But in my heart, my heart of hearts, I've never felt so betrayed.

[fade to black]

Y&R: Betrayed? How did I betray you? What did I do?
Darn: Maybe it's me, maybe I've changed! Grown. I try to blame myself, I think it's me but no, it's you. You've changed.
Y&R: I'm still me! Five days a week, 12:30AM, 11:30 Central!
Darn: That's just it! Same time, same channel, different demeanor.
Y&R: Am I not allowed to change? Am I not allowed to be different?
Darn: Not if it's not for the better! You look so different, act so different. With your new friends, changing styles! I don't even know who you are anymore!
Y&R: I don't know what you want me to say. They're my friends! I can have friends!
Darn: And I can't cope. I've tried. By God, I've tried. I think...I think we need some time apart.
Y&R: >Gasp!< [fade to black]

Y&R: We can get through this! It's a bump in the road!
Darn: I think it's much more than that. So much more. I've already reserved a room at the Athletic club.
Y&R: We can get BACK ON TRACK!
Darn: I'm going to grab a change of clothes.
Y&R: Nuh-no! No! Nonononono! You can't leave! I won't let you! Guh!

[Y&R grabs Darn's arm as he tries to pack his gymbag]

Darn: Let go! I have to do this! I need time away!
Y&R: I don't! PLEASE!
Darn: Give me a chance to miss you! Maybe that's what I need baby, maybe that's what we both need!
Y&R: Don't tell me what I need! I know what I nee-need! You!
Darn: Stop! Stop it now, you're embarassing yourself!
[Darn opens the front door]
Darn: Don't call the hotel, I won't be available. I need time. I need time. Goodbye. And take care of yourself. Take--take care.
Y&R: NOOOOOOOOO! NUH-NUH--NUH-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN'T DO THIS ALOOOONE! NOOONOOONOOOOOOOOO!

[Bookcase]

Y'all know I'm pretty much full of shit, right? Kinda. ANYway, I'm trying to enjoy the show. Forcing myself.

Michael and Kevin are twerps. So is Gloria. It's hereditary. I imagine they spend their weekends shedding that dead layer of skin.

Gloria: I FEEL so LIBERATED Michael! This REMINDS me of that time I was FELT UP by LYNDON B. JOHNSON! It was GLORIOUS! That's what he said too >wink<.

Oh right, Daniel, invite Kevin to Neil and Dru's house. What a dumbass. You do this and you lose the pretty Lily. Dumb. Ass.

No, no, I shouldn't take it out on him. But that is dumb, inviting that entitled (who has NO RIGHT to be. Jack? Yes, he was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, it comes with the territory. Kevin, and Michael, have no reason to feel better than anyone and that's what so infuriates me.) pedophile to their house. Just stupid.

And they setup a WIRELESS KEYBOARD? FUTURISTIC! I feel like I'm watching Star Trek. In fact there's a tribble on Daniel's head.


I reached deep into my grabbag of Asian stereotpyes and decided that the CEO of House of Kim looks like The Mandarin. Don't you just want to pelt me with rotten fruit?



Okay, we're almost there people, we have the Deaf (Devon), the Dumb (Every. Fucking. Body), now we need the blind! I'll poke out some eyes! Try me! Try me.

I love Jack. I looooooooooooove Jack. Lobster love. Figured I needed to end this happily considering the bad break up.

Y&R - Friday - Read At Your Own Risk

*I'm in a pissy mood, what with Davetta Sherwood's firing and this shitty, biased, dumbass-filled show. So if you want to have a pleasant Sunday, close the page!

Gloria and Kevin plotting for things they don't deserve and have no right to. Sure, we lose Davetta and a grown up Lily and are forever seemingly stuck with these two dumbasses. Die, die, die. They play the twinkly, "tug at your heartstrings" music when Glo reads the letter from John. Bullshit. Hasn't she spent the last week eyefucking the next richest guy in town?

I CAN'T EVEN HAVE FUN! I like to think I approach the show lovingly, because I do love it, and I can playfully, mildly, insanely (sometimes) tear into it. But that's when it's good and I enjoy at least 75% of it. Right now? I don't enjoy anything. Sure, I could like Shack but not when Jack is being manuevered against by Glovin (so sick and twisted they need their own couple name), two people so incerdibly irritating--I can't even describe it quite right. You know that scene in Total Recall when Arnold Schwarzenegger has to remove the tracking device from under his skin? Red glowing thing that he literally rips from his body? That's what I feel like doing when they're onscreen.

That's my face. All the time while watching this show. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. Either nothing makes a lick of sense and it pisses me right the fuck off..

Here's a prime example of my problem with them, after Will has left the room once inquiring about Gloria, Kevin casually asks her "You got a thing for him?". As if that's at all normal for a woman who mere moments before was crying over her husband's passing. Her husband who died in August. This is not okay.

Looks like Victor. Probably smells like Victor (I imagine he smells like old cigars and engine oil). But is it Victor? Maybe. Who really knows? The only people I recognize on this show anymore are...Jack. And according to the script Jack is lower than low, the scum of the earth, the type of man who takes candy from babies and gives old ladies the Clap.

Should I bother mentioning Daniel and Lily and how utterly adorable they were sleeping on the waiting room couch together or how cute Lily was talking about her "fine" brother? Why put myself through that? The only other thing I had to look forward to was them and they've been destroyed. So thanks, Y&R.

And Devon has lost his hearing. And it's all so hamfisted and sudden that any interest it might have generated from me didn't even have time to build. VR is a smash and KSJ does his best with her and Dily are cute but--whatever.

I do love the show and I love making this blog and I love you guys like crazymadsexycool but I am seriously hating the show. It's not directed as well, written as well or...well, anything as well as it used to be. I'm talking last year. This isn't a case of reminscing about Maxie's heart transplant or Viki's DID. This is a show that has been hard hit in less than a year.

And that's just a shame.