DOOL - Tues/Wed - Who Pooted?

E.J.: Did...did you...?
Sami: I...I thought...
E.J.: No! No, no...uh...
Sami: Yeah...
E.J.: Wasn't me.
Sami: Uh-huh. You are one smooth criminal, E.J. Wells.
E.J.: Sami, are you okay?! Are you okay?! Are you okay, Samiii?!
Sami: Jesus, I'm fine. Just stop farting at me.

Oh, it's been a long, hard road out of hell, folks, but finally happy days are here! Hogan Sheffer has arrived at DOOL, and while OLTL and GH have driven me away, at least here in Salem it's a:

BRAND NEW DAAAAYYYY!!!


yes, there is a link above. click it. i would put it in here direct-like but i ain't figured that out yet because i ain't a SOPHISTICATED PLAYA like some people darn.

...Yes, it's magic, hos. Everybody's dancing and stripping and gyrating with puppets, because goddamnit, good writing is back up in the Melas. If you get my drift. And I think you don't.

But first oh my brothers I must discuss the matter of the NuShawn, Brandon Beemer. Some call him Emo!Shawn. Some call him Unfrozen Caveman Shawn. I call him:

BLUE STEEL!!!!111one

Don't be afraid, babyyyyy. Just look into his eyes and it'll be okay babyyyyy. Hey, you know what, I don't think he's so bad. Just a little, um, In The Moment, let's put it that way. Yeah. Yeah. He's got his own thing going on. Brandon Beemer, he's in his own place.

emo...

Emo...!

EMO!!!!!!

I drive my car through your foundation walls because of the rage in my soul! Look at Victor, just standing there like, 'I'm an old man. My famous daughter don't give me shit. The fuck you want?' That's quality, John Aniston. Thank you. Thank you. And oh, Hope's little 'meh!' slap at Victor? Classic.

I love that Lucas has brought CryingGame!Will in on his cockblockery re: E.J. Jesus, I remember when this kid was they-high and had a cowlick or whatever. Look at him now. Not so much. That kid looks like he is in the Legion of Substitute Insane Clown Posse Members. I loved Sami narc'ing them out - "I've seen the movie, I know you were barely fifteen minutes into it, and I've been gone for hours!" No more Reilly logic, motherfuckers! You busted! Meanwhile, E.J. is Lucas' power top! Of course, I know this is not a big distinction among the male cast of DOOL and Lucas is everyone's favorite rambunctious noisy scheming bottom, but oh, when E.J. started to rassle him - it just - mmm. Sorry. Sorry.

E.J.: Look into my chest hair! Look! Looook, infidels!

Marlena: Ohh, I wish my daughter's favorite soup didn't come out of a can.
Belle: Well, it's not like I learned anything about cooking from my mother.
Marlena: Ho, ho, ho. I will cut you, bitch.

Seriously, though, I loved that Belle/Marlena convo. They actually seemed like a real family for once. Marlena seemed human, so did Belle; it wasn't all about the radiance gleaming off their jajijajos. They talked like mother and daughter. Marlena did her job. Without killing any people. That I know of.

This one is weak. I agree. But you know what, I am not Darn. I admit it. I am not Darn! It's difficult for me to rag on, oh, I don't know, a good soap! Which is what DOOL is fast becoming. And oh, does it taste good. Tastes like people. I will try to keep up.

And now, another series of cheap, pointless picture vignettes with no lasting humor.

Bo: Yeah, I'm wearing my leather jacket in the fancy restaurant. That's right. What, Fancy Face? It was - it was Casual Wednesday. Bo's Casual Wednesday. What? What? You got a problem with who I am? You - you got a problem with who I - forget it. Forget it. God. Eat the food yourself, Corpse Bride.



Bonnie: Tch. This tastes nothing like Patrick's cock.



Will: ...What?

Thus ends my Episode I: The Phantom Menace-esque return.