Jun 25, 2007

OLTL - Monday - Clockwork Cringing

Now imagine that less smiley and more black. This is gonna be fun! Yeah! I'm pumped! A whole week of being forced to watch OLTL! I AM SO THRILLED BY THE POSSIBILITIES!

I hate you, jase.

I actually watch OLTL pretty regularly. Regular like a woman's cycle. 3 days out of a month. Was that gross? Sorry.

FIRST OF ALL, I used to watch OLTL daily when Jen was alive and I am sorry but this shit needs to stop. I am fucking sick of the Jen retrospective every 6 fucking months. Buck the fuck up, Lindsay, you didn't even like the little tramp that much anyway, admit. Why are we constantly treated to rememberances of Jen? I'd appreciate it if anyone liked Jen but she was pretty much universally hated. Not just by fans either, look at the show, the same 3 people mourn her all the damn time.

Jen was proficient at one thing: Sucking. At life, on the dirty hosebeast...basically bitch was a plunger.

Onto more current annoying things, Miles. Or as I like to call him Retard in Motion. And not the bad retard, I mean retarded as in truly retarded, like emotionally. Being ugly made him completely ignorant of how the world works? His whole "What is this thing between my legs? WHAT DOES IT DO, MOMMYMARTY? Why does it HURT SO GOOD?!" schtick is possibly the most ill-conceived character trait I've ever seen. It pains me to watch him learn how to breathe and talk and eat like a real live boy.

Speaking of painful John and Marty are in a word: Motherfucking Horrendous. I'd start with Marty but really the more you write about Marty the closer you wish for the sweet embrace of death. And John...John is ridiculous. On every level. He certainly looks it with the perpertually pursed lips and his hands bolted to his hips, you know Michael Easton thinks he's fucking Superman.

"Sorry, Nats, no fat chicks."

No, Melissa Archer is not fat, she's beautiful even if her hair did look like refried shit today and she had to act out a stupid scene about foundations or some such nonsense. It's cute that Natalie is working at Buchana Enterprises. Does Jess work at The Banner? Does she work at all? I like her and Nash by the way. They're cute. And they made Antonio cry, score!

Now I'd comment on the Viki/Dorian/Clint scenes but then I'd have to criticize Erika Slezak's acting and Jerry ver Dorn un-Clintness and talk about how young, beautiful and fantastic Robin Strasser is all the time and well, that just wouldn't be fair, would it? She does look fantastic though.

And for jase, again.




1 comment:

jase said...

thank you.

I thought it was hilarious that the first thing ZACH ROERIG LORD OF THE NIPPLES, or rather his character does when walking in the door is RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF LIKE THE HULK. Like Lou Ferrigno. It was just so random and gratuitous. But then I lost all track of the rest of the episode. I was too busy ogling. OLTL Episode Grade: A+++