Y&R - Wonder Fall

Let me be clear this is not (solely) ABOUT LILY or Davetta Sherwood's firing.

What is going on with Y&R? Anyone care to speculate? What's the reason for the change in writing, direction, cast, etc? Yes, they've given reasons (to freshen it up, quicken the pace), however Y&R has been chugging along perfectly well, retaining it's core audience and consistently considered tops in daytime.

It seems to me that Y&R has stopped thinking in the long-term, as it once did and is only concerned with the here and now. Not the longlasting damage the here and now causes to characters or stories. The writing is sluggish and workman-like. The characters make no sense, not even in the new reality the new powers that be have created. When you can't make sense within your own universe, there is a problem. Stories with promise either last too long with too many interludes or are quickly rushed through.

The stories, characters and scenes are ill-conceived, illogical and inconsistent. It's not the end of the world or the worst of soaps or horrid television. It's simply not Y&R.

There seems to be an effort to test our patience, love and loyalty and I'm not crazy about being toyed with because someone felt like shaking up the show for no good reason.

Y&R - Daily Dily Dying

Daniel and Lily secretly meet:


Sad.

Lily wants to elope:


Sad.



SAD.

Daniel and Lily marry:


SAD!

Music vids

Y&R - SONUVABITCH!

OH, FUCK NO!

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK NO!

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!

That's it. That's it!
This damn show has been SUCKING for these past few months with only a few interesting bits and THEN THEY GO AND DO THIS?! And expect me to keep watching and caring? No.

No.

Fuck them.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck them!

Y&R - Thurs/Fri - Cruel Joy

Neil [to Dru]: Sometimes you need to face yourself.

Man, fuck you. Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

That bastard made MYDru cry! He made her cry (Victoria Rowell was fantastic and is a jewel, if this story is worth anything, and I fear it isn't, it's VR's performances)! I just don't understand where he's coming from. Yes, she lied. Yes, she was wrong. But he acts like she's this horrible person with all these problems who's nothing but a nuisance to him. And that is not how it should be. Let him be mad at her. FINE! Anger I can take but he treats her like an ill-tempered child not his partner in life. It's an odd choice by the writers and by Kristoff St. John.

Speaking of bitches, Gloria returned entirely too quickly from her trip.

Gloria: Oh, Katherine, Jill, you want to know WHAT the perfume is made of? You LIKE THE SMELL OF IT?! So do I, SO DO I. But I cannot reveal my SECRET INGREDIENT! Let's just say China is a very progressive country, VERY PROGRESSIVE! They understand the NEED for scarifices in the NAME of ART!

Random thoughts on Y&R's Rosh Hashanah

• My boss left early Friday and I don't have to work on Yom Kippur. I love my Jewish brothers and sisters.

• I wonder if Abby is going to be raised Jewish.

• Brad's new mom is a lot more...how shall we say, like a sitcom Jewish mom. At least she's age appropriate.

• I hope Brad and Rebecca weren't too uncomfortable around that Aryan motherfucker JT.

• I'm hungry.

• Colleen, don't puke up grandma's food. Or not eat it at all. Whatever disorder you're going with hold it off til tomorrow. Show some fucking respect.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY! BRAD IS JEWISH, Y'ALL! JEWEY JEW JEW! ISN'T IT FANTASTIC AND DIFFERENT?! I don't dislike it as much as my sarcasm might make you think, I just...don't care.

Bitch, it's called jetlag. Take a nap! I am so effing sick of Gloria and Kay&Jill, her cheerleaders. It's sickening.

"I'm Kay! And I'm Jill! And we LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE GLORIA!"
[ROMP, ROMP, ROMP]

This whole story is an absurd nightmare. It makes no sense within the current reality or in the characters pasts. Gloria Fisher, back alley grifter, little education, little employ, no business knowledge, goes to another country, impresses the masses, draws up a business plan BY HERSELF that takes into account every possible mistake that can arise with a new product and...okay, you win. I am defeated. Gloria is sparkly and wonderful and look at her spunk! Mary Richards is jealous! For you, a SONG (which I've already done or should have done long ago):

Gloria, die Gloooriaaaa

Things ain't been the saaaame
Since you came this wAAAAaaay,
Gloria, diiiiIIIIIIiiiiie, GloriaaaaaAAAHHH
I don't wanna see you another daaaaaaAAAAAy

Where are they going with this Shack thing? I dunno but it's nice to see Nick squirm. Maybe we'll be rid of Phylick by the end of this. Crossing fingers!

I was ready to get on TPTB for Jack's musical tastes but...I like country, I like the Dixie Chicks, and I like friggin' Panic! At The Disco and all sorts of other stuff. I hardly ever listen to rap though, doesn't do it for me. So good on Jacko for the rap and gospel. Now I want to see him jaming to them.

Is Victor better or not? He's more like himself yet...not. This story was so promising at first, now I'm not even sure where we are.

Dear HappyFunVictor,

If you're in there, I love you. I miss you. Come back. Go away. I hate you. You bring me joy, you bring me pain. I'm sorry, you're wonderful yet horrible. Oh, the dichotomy!

Love,
Darn

Y&R - Bark Kent

Who's the best dog in the whole wide world? Who's the best dog? You are! Yesyouare!

Well-behaved house dog for the CEO for a conglomerate Zap Pato was just another pup trying to make ends meet UNTIL one day his owner got very ill and a long dormant ability of his came to light! With this power revealed Zap saw his chance to help human and canine-kind alike, he’d use his newly gained seizure sniffing prowess to save the kindly old businessmen of the world. But to protect his identity he needed a code-name and a costume, with some quick thinking and the help of Miguel Zap Pato became...

Zapato!: SuperPup

Superheight: 2' 3"
Superweight: 70 lbs
Supersize (for the bitches out there): 4”
Superpower: Seizure sniffin’!
Superquote: “Lassie? Female. Did them, there were like 10. Rin tin tin? Female. Did her. Twice. Benji? Did him. Don’t wanna talk about it.”

Y&R - Ladybits

I know I missed an episode but Victor had brain surgery Friday right? And already he's home? Those pesky HMOs! In and out! I bet it's cause he's German. Racists.

Quite uncalled for, Drucilla. Do you realize the physicaly, actual physical pain I feel when you do these things to yourself that should not be done? Makes me cry. Tears of blood. Please stop doing these things which make you look not good. I can't even talk right anymore! Correctly, properly, I don't even know! Your image on the bright box bewilders, angers and saddens me so.

Victoria: Brad?
Brad: Victoria, what do you want?
Victoria: I just--oh! Oh, nothing.
Brad: Oh, Victoria, I apologize, let's start over.
Victoria: Okay, okay. Find your mom?
Brad: No, not yet.
Victoria: Oh, I'm sure she's just swimming along the banks of Istanbul.
Brad: You...are...a...dumbass.
Victoria: Dumbass? Brad!
Brad: Aww, sweetie, it's French.
Victoria: Oh.
Brad: French for dumbass. Dumbass.

Loved, loved, LOVED Lily defending her mom. She is...delicious. And did those nasty little trolls call Colleen fat? Uh, okay. Yeah, what a fatty. I can barely see Lily behind all those mounds of fat. Fatty fat fat fatty. Fat. Shut up, dayplayers.

Let's take a look at the women on this show, while watching Victoria, with sadness in her eyes basically beg to share his feelins with her and ask him questions she should have asked months ago it hit me that there is a disturbing trend among the female characters on this show. They're all sad mopey messes who allow life to happen to them as opposed to making life happen for them.


Lauren - It's been a long process but Lauren has surely but steadily been str
ipped of the characteristics that make her so interesting. The bad girl trying to make good. Now she's a good girl trying to deal with Michael's crazy family and that's all she's been for 2 years now.

Sharon - Always the heroine meant to sit around and cry into her bosom as her life fell apart around her, unfortunately all the other females seem to be taking on her characteristics as she becomes somewhat stronger.

Katherine & Jill - If the show isn't going to treat them as separate entities, why should I? Spots of strength but mostly background and filler and this is completely unacceptable. This stuff with Jabot and Billy is a chance to have Kay and especially Jill get some of their spark back but do I think that was the intetion? Not really.

Ashley - Left to react to the maneuvering of Jack and Gloria, hasn't been her own person in quite a while. I thought it'd be a cold day in hell before I'd ask for the return of Ashley. I fucking HATED Ashley for so long. Now I want her back! What. In. The. Hell?



Gloria FISHER - Loon.





Victoria - DECLAWED with the recast, mousey housewife, fades into the background as her husband doesn't bother to hide his love for another woman.

Colleen - Insecure fastass, apparently





Drucilla - Strongest around yet still just reacting to the choices Neil has made about their life. Dru said the other week that Dru needs to do for Dru but has she? No, she's landed herself in jail for shredding the clothes of the woman Neil is messing around with. Not doing for Dru, hurting Dru.

Nikki - Always left to react to Victor and his unilateral decisions, this could have been her chance to shine with Victor incapacitated but no, just more of the same. Nikki reacting to the changes in Victor's life. Same house, fresh coat of paint.



Lily - So sad and lonely she took Daniel back without making him work for it. She's still young and that kinda lets that slide and wouldn't even matter if the older women weren't acting in similar ways.

Phyllis - The saddest of them all. Like Lauren, a bad girl trying to make good...for herself. Until she met the Most Popular Boy in school and completely lost her will to live. Nick has sapped her of life, this story has sapped her of energy and if this continues people are gonna start wondering why they loved her in the first place. This is the most dire case and needs to be rectified ASAP.

Y&R - Friday - Blogging Live

12:30 : Shit, it's Sharon again. Now she's flashbacking to the event that occurred between her and Jack that I refuse to name. Jack's mad at the paper. Fucking paper.

12:32 : What in the shit is Phyllis wearing? Is that a peasant top? Really? Is it 2002? Where am I? Who is this?

12:34 : What is it newspaper day? NuBilly still looks like an ex-boxer, all puffy and punched in the face. Maybe he is! There's a story!

12:36 : Hi Michael. Talk to your girl, she looks like shit. She looks like she's gonna go milk some cows. Gloria better watch out! I like that Nikki, while concerned for her dear husband, had time to put on her lashes. Priorities, you know.

12:41 : Stop talking shit about Jack! Thank you, thank you, PTB, for making me HATE Michael and Phyllis. They act like Jack is Cerebus for fuck's sake. Shut up, the three of you, Mikey, Phyllis and that fucking demon spawn. I really think Sharon should have some time alone with Victor and Nikki, without the two people who destroyed her marriage standing right there. Now they dismiss her. That's fucked up. Stop making me DEFEND Sharon.

12:45 : Yeah, Victoria, he said that stuff to Heather Tom. Not to you. Hey, when did Amelia Heinle get a gap in her teeth? I try to avoid looking at them most days, Haven't noticed.

12:49 : Why is Sharon dressed like Gloria? She actually looks like a little girl playing dress-up. WTF is Victoria wearing? Sorry, I'm not using a clotheshorse, I don't notice stuff like that most days but they all look so ugly and/or insane. This bitch is LAUGHING, AGAIN. AT WHAT? WHOKNOWS? MAYBE SHE HAS VOICES IN HER HEAD, GOD, I HOPE SO.

12:51 : I was thinking that 250 million seems kinda small for a 35 year old company or however old Jabot is. But I don't know from business. I'm surprised Victor isn't putting up more of a fight over this brain surgery.

Victor: WhatdoIneedsurgeryfor? My brain can fix itself! I asked him! HesaidokayIcandoitmyself! That is what he said to me! IcallhimBaronMunchausen!

1:00 : Oh, Victoria's mad. She's acting like herself! Well, like HT's Victoria. Still doesn't measure up but it's nice to see. SHUT UP, MICHAEL! He's so entitled (he's always been entitled but I could take it before), throwing Jabot away to protect his mother, a mother he didn't speak to for 20 years, one he knows for a fact is subhuman, this is so wildly out of character, I can't take it.

I wonder if we'll ever see Sharon's father. She clearly has daddy issues, I hope the show deals with it sometime soon, not 20 years from now like Brad.

1:04 : Grand Tetons? I didn't know we were still discussing Sharon.

So basically Phyllis just ALLOWS her man to dictate when she goes where she goes. THIS IS NOT PHYLLIS! The only person Phyllis has EVER listened to is PHYLLIS. I can't believe this crap.

Look at Jack, manipulating another brain damaged old man. Nice. Good job there, trying to make me hate him. Not gonna happen.

1:11 : I don't get Nikki's utter disdain for Jack. She didn't quite hate him this much before. Everybody hates Jack now and for what? Victor's done so many more horrible things yet the town stops spinning when he chips a toenail. Ugh.

Close-up of Katherine's face: Hide the children!

1:18 : I hate all these motherfuckers speaking for John, including Jack, as if any of them know exactly what he would want. It's wrong and manipulative.

Here's what Victor's doctor is thinking, "Remembermylinesremembermylinesremembermylines." Yeah, she's awful.

I do like Billy on Jack's side but I'm worried that he'll be turned by someone, cause this show isn't complete if everyone doesn't hate Jack.

1:24 : Did I miss the episode where Jack raped a girl while eating a baby and running over an old lady? I think so.

1:26 : Michael is speaking of MORAL RESPONSIBILITY???!! Okay, okay, Darn, breathe. It has to be coming down the pipeline, the Fisher-Baldwins have to be headed for a downfall, they must be. Michael has the audacity to mention that cream debacle to Jack's face knowing damn well who was behind it? The vein on my head must be huge right now, that makes me so mad.

Victor: Thebedrolls? WHEEEEEEEE!

Y&R - Tuesday - Paging Dr. Banner

Victor: HellomydarlingNikki! Howareyou? Didyouenjoytheeventverymuch?
Nikki: It was pleasant if a bit underwhelming.



Victor: Who is this Whelming? Whywereyouunderhim? WHY WERE YOU UNDER HIM?
Nikki: I--I wasn't! Victor! Victor, please!



Victor: Victorplease? VICTOR PLEASE?! MY NAME IS NEWMAN, VICTOR NEWMAN AND THIS IS MY HOME AND YOU ARE FIRED!



Victor: FIRED FROM WIFERY!


Victor: HimydarlingNikki, howwasyourday? I hope it was goodforyou!
Nikki: Oh shit.

Sure, you were all hunky dorey when it was wine and roses and snowflakes but as soon as he whips out the Smith and Wesson we need to "call the autorities" [waving my hands mockingly]. What do you want from the man, Nicole? He can only do so much.

This negro (I was tempted to call him the other word but I abhor that word) did not just say "I have half a mind to smack you." He didn't! I DID NOT SEE OR HEAR THAT SHIT COME OUT OF HIS FUCKING MOUTH!

After Neil and Carmen MAKE OUT, do they forget that they MAKE OUT? Because watching them be all "That Dru. What ever will we do with that Dru and her crazy notions?". Did this chick not screw Jack in the break room? Not latch herself onto Neil, a married man? Did Neil not admit his feelings for her? Not only are they self-righteous, they're self-righteous and boring.

Who keeps a picture of themself on their disk? Way to be vain, Carmie. HAHA to Dru cutting up your clothes. You get what you give, bitch.

Why are Jill, Kay and Ashley standing by as Hecuba tramples all over John's memory? Gloria is dry humping Will a week after wailing on the Abbott doorstep and Kay and Jill going to bat for her and they're saying nothing like "Hey, maybe, just maybe, Jack had a point." UGH. I hate this.

Noah: Where's my mom?
Me: Adding another stain to the dress that is her life.

Edit: Huh, I just realized I forgot Jack and Sharon's nastiness. You know how when some people suffer a tragedy the brain will block out that event? That's what happened here, for a few hours anyway. Stupid brain.

Edit Dos: Holy shankies. I forgot Gloria's singing as well. Thank you, brain. I hate you, brain.

Y&R - Monday - Animal Planet

Thank you for any assistance you can provide.

Dru: Yeah, I killed it! I killed it! Ya point? What's ya point, brotha?!

Ignoring that crime against nature, Dru's drunken tirade toward's Carmen was damn near excellent. A Dru clear of mind and ready to fight would have been better but you take what you can get when we have Phyllis giggling herself into a coma and Gloria gnawing on John's remains, you try to find the light in the gloom.

You better stop insinuating stuff Nikki or somebody's gonna come home with a fat lip! Melody Thomas Scott must feel good when she's the youngest person in a scene. Lee Phillip Bell did in one episode what her daughter couldn't do in 20 years. Acted.

Speaking of acting, good on Eric Braeden for throwing himself into this. Unlike some actors (Maurice Benard, I'm talking to you, you greasy little gremlin) he's willing to make himself look foolish. And damn if Victor doesn't look foolish. And it is a fantastic turn. Nikki's not gonna get a fat lip, she's gonna get a cap in her ass. Again. For every 8th bullet hole you get a free sub.

You can't be serious. We are not still talking about Brad and this Nazi crap. That...makes no sense. This story ended a month ago. Rebecca? What's a Rebecca? So this octegenerian is on the Underground Railroad? Oh wait, wrong holocaust. But I mean really, what is this BS? Who cares? Come out of the woodwork! Reveal thyself!

For a brief, oh so brief moment, I saw the Phyllis I knew and loved. When she was disappointed that she missed Dru's little show I got excited and them she kept smiling and shit and suddenly I wanted to slap a pregnant woman.

Phyllis: Everytime I giggle an angel get it's wings! GIGGLHEHEHEHEEE! Help me stop--here it comes agaHEHEHUEHEHEEE! It's killing me from the inside! HEHEHEHEEEEE! I'M BLEEDING INTERNALLY!
*giggle*
*cough*
*blood*


That was a lame ass party! One episode for this shit they've been building up to for 6 months?! I want my money back! And my time! My money and my time! My life! Money, time and life! No, no, don't try to bribe me with Dily--don't, I'm not falling for that! Every other weekend? No, no. Every weekend. And sometimes on Thursday. Thursdays are stressful for me. I need to relax, relate, release on Thursday. You do that, all is forgiven.

...

Awesome party, guys! ***double thumbs up!***

Y&R - Weds/Thurs - Eh

Gloria Swanson



Wants Her



Face Back



You Fucking



Bitch

What Gloria did Wednesday, calling Jack to make him feel guilty for simply honoring his father's wishes, was nothing short of pure hatred. That was just cruel. Low and disgusting and for no reason other than to be smug and self-righteous. Typical Gloria.

I guess grief is a two week process for Medusa. The way she cocked her brow and smirked when she learned The Hated William Bardwell had inherited money...maybe they do want us to hate her and I'm rational once again. Don't look her in the face!

What do you get when you mix Caramel with Dark Chocolate? Dru and Edwin, that's what. Drop that Soy Latte, motherfucker Dru. Pick the Venti Ho Chocolate, Dru!

Let us continue with that theme, I guess Lily wanted a little stuffing in her Oreo. Oph! Oh yeah, I'm keeping that one. Alright, I adore the Dily, would dily the Dily Daily is that wasn't wrong and sick but what precisely was the point of them breaking up if they're at the exact same place they were 6 weeks ago? Hmmm.

Hey, screenwriters of the world, black men can open clubs that have nothing to do with jazz. Just FYI.

Here's what I want: Noah in a fit of rap-induced rage to push Phyllis down a flight of stairs. Soapy and topical!

One day Nick and Sharon hate, hate, hate each other. The next they're laughing over the direction their lives are taking. Whatever. Have we just abandoned the notion of honest human emotions here? Is that why everyone is so out of character? Have the script writers been dispatched to the four corners of the earth and not allowed any human interaction?

I'll be perfectly honest, I've had no desire to watch the show this week. It's slowly but surely turning into just another soap opera and that makes me incredibly sad. Not that I'm incapable of appreciating it's charms, it can still deliver magnificently. However it's seemed to have lost the touches that made it absolutely above the rest, the camerawork, the dialogue, the delicate plotting that moved like molasses deliberately not just because. The community used to be a lot more...spralling. Sometimes one plot didn't touch another at all or when one crossed another it did it with signifigance. And I liked not knowing who would be on that day, plots weaved in and out each week and it hardly ever felt like stalling, it just felt like...life. Now we just have the same things repeated everyday with the same people. Everyday. No break. Just over and over, when you have the same people on everyday the things they say, the supposed life altering decisions they make tend to lose their importance because we eventually just sound them out, not because we don't care, we're just...bored. At least I am.

Next week will be better from what I've read. Here's hoping.

And hey, if you haven't signed up for the mailing list please do. Why? Because I'm needy. Well, no, because of weeks like this where the show's schedule is fucked and I'm fucked and fuckity fuck.

Alright, I AM needy but ya know.

OLTL/AMC/Crocodile Hunter/etc - STINGRAY.

(A little over) 24 hours in the life of...

Jase: Beyonce has lost her damn mind, imitating Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
Darn: This is true. All the songs she's yelling.
Jase: She is hilarious in the video. Especially in the fatigues in the corner.
Darn: Like Jay Z smacked her. She's an escaped mental patient.
Jase: Your man's secret police have come for you, Beyonce! Look at this bitch jumping around in the corner, bitch you ain't Nightcrawler.


Darn: This other song of hers she starts it by saying "O. M. G. You done lost your mind!" I am serious.
Jase: ?
Darn: She actually says the letters, "O-M-G."
Jase: What song?
Darn: Lost Yo Mind.
Jase: Oh lord. I'll check it out. But this video is hilarious. Her crazy ass facial expressions and movements.

----


Jase: Oh snap! The Crocodile Hunter is DEAD? / Darn: Steve Irwin died.
Jase: SAME TIME!
Jase: LIKE THAT!
Darn: I KNOW!
Darn: FREAKY!
Jase: It's CRAZY!
Darn: When I saw that you were typing I just KNEW that was what you were gonna say. Weirdness.
Jase: Goddamn. How?
Darn: How'd he die? Stingray.
Jase: I love that one word answer. Stingray.
Darn: How'd you get those cupcakes?
Jase: Stingray.
Darn: Thank you.
Jase: I'm just sayin'. We should keep that up for at least a week.
Darn: We should. We're awful people, you know this right?
Jase: I do. What the fuck is a stingray barb?
Darn: Gonna put a stingray on the BARBEE!
Jase: I always thought those fuckers were harmless. Evidently he was not the Stingray Hunter.
Darn: He was the sting...wait for it, stingprey.
Jase: Very nice. I'ma have to Wiki this shit.
Darn: Wha? Why?
Jase: I want to know how a stingray barb works, I want a look.
Darn: Haha, me too.
Jase: It's in the tail, apparently. With venom. Usually they do it to sting a foot if someone steps on them. Evidently they aimed a little higher. HAHA! They already updated his Wiki! ... [He was barbed] THROUGH THE HEART! Oh snap!
Darn: Ouch! It is awful though.
Jase: Steve, you dumb motherfucker.
Darn: He has a kid.
Darn: One he almost fed to a croc. / Jase: Yes, the one he dangled in front of a croc.
Jase: LIKE THAT! / Darn: LIKE DAT!

----

[on daytime's most outrageous stories]
Darn: I know you just LOOOOVE talking about lesbian rape so let's start there.
Jase: Wait, I forgot, whose lesbian rape. Binky?
Darn: Who else? What the hell?
Jase: Well, you never know, I was flashing back to Virginia and the turkey baster!
Darn: WTF? There was no lesbian involved in that.
Jase: I was thinking more the ridiculous stories. And it was lesbian-esque.
Darn: Oh come on.
Jase: She penetrated the woman with a turkey baster and impregnated her.
Darn: I guess it's kinda lesbian-esque. Well, fine. Let's go for the neon sign then, the Melaswen.
Jase: I still can't believe they called it that.
Darn: It's just like Aremid! Giddy!
Jase: Aremid sounded cool.
Darn: JER spent too much time toking up to care.
Jase: And it wasn't easy for me to realize that was Dimera backwards, don't laugh. In fact...I just remembered now.
Darn: Well, you're a dumbass. How do you even pronounce Melaswen?
Jase: MEL-ah-swenn. And fuck you.
Darn: I love that the characters couldn't put it together. "Who...are...the Sreldnahcs?"
Jase: I hate you. Who the hell killed Madden [on AMC], by the way? Just who the hell?
Darn: We don't know.
Jase: I looked in on that piece of shit last week and that fucking aborted fetus with the hot chest was trying to bury himself alive.
Darn: It'll be the third dayplayer from the right!
Jase: Babe, come, help me, help me bury myself alive. For God's sake.
Darn: Oh what the hell.
Jase: I swear to God.
Darn: I hate that botched abortion. He's the Flava Flav of daytime.
Jase: He built himself a goddamned wooden coffin, the hotel valet comes to the door, 'sir, we have complants of noise,' 'no no it's fine,' and he is BUILDING A COFFIN FOR HIMSELF.
Jase: And then the preview shows, like, Babe nailing it shut with him inside. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO HIMSELF? IS HE THAT CRAZY? Who - is this, like, their burgeoning romance?
Darn: I hate that c!ntcake, I can't even talk about her. Die, die, die.
Jase: How did she even get back with JR? How many times has JR tried to kill her?
Darn: Not enough! That whole show is an abomination.
Jase: And that plot with Dixie and Zach doesn't even make sense from a glance. I mean, granted, I have not watched more than five minutes at a time in three or four years, but, what are they DOING? And by the way you need to send another motherfucking Dan Gauthier letter and so do I. I think I will call the comment line too. Finally. This will be, I think, my fourth letter. I am not doing it hardcore like the people who have been doing it seven days a week, I feel bad.
Darn: You should. I kid. Seriously, I've done nothing.
Jase: You fucking louse. WRITE. Tell them you are some kind of black revolutionary activist.
Darn: "I am Dr. Pepper Boof. Ex-lover of Saddam Hussein." No, that's horrible. I feel for her.
Jase: You should. "Dr. Peppered Beef." Oh, I'm going to hell. And I like her. I wrote that whole entry in tribute, begging her to come to OLTL. And I still want her to.
Darn: I like her too.
Jase: Sigh. Fucking Dena Higley.

----

Jase: According to Higley as per today, Todd and Blair's relationship is just all about sex, "but what do we do when we put our clothes on?" Oh, and Starr? Learned to lie from BLAIR.
Jase: Because that was Todd and Blair 2000-2003. Sex, sex, sex. Freaky sex.
Darn: So sexy.
Darn: And WTF? Starr learned to lie from BLAIR? I'm sorry, you were there right, when Todd coached his daughter in how to lie to her mother? Like repeatedly?
Jase: Seriously.
Darn: Hey, did you look at the MySpace?
Jase: I did. I dislike. DISLIKE!
Darn: Oh, fine, it's nothing right now.
Darn: And for some reason the pictures aren't showing up.
Jase: I just hate Myspace on principle. I'm only doing it through the blog, not there.
Darn: Okay, I was just trying to expand the thing.
Darn: I was planning to keep both.
Jase: Well, you go on and expand. I will stay here lost in the past.
Jase: Sifting through the shards of my misty watercolor dreams.
Darn: Poor little jew.
Darn: Update both.
Jase: You can. Myspace gives me hives.
Darn: Me too. You know that.
Jase: I call it Fuckspace.
Jase: No, I don't, that's a lie, I just came up with it.
Darn: I call it SoulCrushing.
Jase: Hellspace, that's good.
Darn: I hate it just on principle and...fact but hey, it's a wider market.
Darn: And Dee is working on a layout for me. We'll see.
Jase: I love that Bruce the stalker is only stalking Adriana for Dorian so he can pay student loans. Dena.
Darn: WTH?
Jase: YES.
Darn: Isn't he like...50?
Darn: And wow, what a dumb fucking reason.
Jase: So fucking funny.
Jase: And I love that the climax of the story ends with...guess what...REX AND THE BAD GUY STRUGGLING FOR THE GUN AND IT GOES OFF. OMGWTFBBQ. WHO COULD IT BE? WHO GOT SHOT, DARN? WHO GOT SHOT? HIJACK THE ABC FEED, I GOTS TO KNOW NOW!
Jase: They must have done that ending eighteen times last year.
Darn: OHNOREXISDEADSAVEREXI'MWRITINGABCRIGHTNOW!
Jase: 11111!!!!!11111
Darn: And I'm hearing Tess is getting integrated for the billionth and final time...?
Jase: Yes, she just did. In front of Nash, Huffy and the whole family. And then they IMMEDIATELY HAD A PARTY.
Darn: HAHAHA!
Darn: Unbelieveable.
Jase: Those motherfuckers just had a party and Jessica is already trying to get freaky with him again!
Jase: "I just remembered getting phantom touch in my hooha, want to do it? Make my under thunder!"
Darn: So wait, they can go on location so that Rex and Adriana can frolic on a beach but they can't location the end of the story. Retarded.
Darn: Damn, so no Jess/Nash?
Jase: Not yet, it's coming apparently. Supposedly she goes all Tess like at the altar with Huffy. I don't know that Tess comes back, but "the Tess side of her comes out." You know, she asserts herself or whatever.
Darn: Wow, finally, it took them 2 years to give us something we were asking for 3 years ago. Good job, ABC!
Darn: That's ALL WE WANTED. Jess to not take his shit and we got 2 years of the Tess merry-go-round.
Darn: And is that singing psycho still around?
Jase: Yes, that crazy whore sang AGAIN today.
Jase: I can set my watch by it, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, whore singing, Tuesday, Wednesday, whore singing.


Jase: I can't wait for fake ass Marty. Yes, I can. But seriously.
Jase: Some fake ho showing up trying to project big Susan Haskell hair, "you raped me, Todd! YOU raped ME! In 1993! No, no, Kevin, NO PICTURES of the old days! I have NO PICTURES!"
Jase: Watch them try and say Patrick just divorced her. Please. Patrick would never do that, love him, hate him, he wouldn't. He better be dead like Noah [on AMC, of Noah and Hoolia] . Those bitches went underground to escape the IR motherfucking A. She should not be living large in the OC.
Darn: "Remember how you raped me Todd. On the bed. In the frat house. Sweatband in mah mouth. 13 years ago. That was me! Marty Saybrooke! Raped! By Todd! I have a son! He's Starr's age! I'm Marty!"
Jase: Then she will whip out a Polaroid of the fake ass Marty with a sock in her mouth. "My instant camera took this picture back then, Todd! We never knew!" You know Dena would do that.
Darn: She would. "My Polaroid SQ7 took this picture, Brendon found it in my belongings! I had evidence, Todd! I never knew!"
Jase: Brendan. For God's sake.
Darn: SOR-REE. I tend to not remember the names of characters I didn't know about until 2 hours ago.
Jase: Brendan was Blair's dead baby. Cole is apparently Marty's son, GET IT RIGHT!
Darn: SOOOOOOREE!
Darn: Haha, sore.
Jase: You dummy. Your continuity is all jacked up, Darn. I must regulate.
Darn: Either she and Vangie will be insta-enemies or BFFs.
Jase: Vangie will try to step to her. "You don't know Todd. Who are you?"
Jase: I want to see Marty smack that ho down. But they won't, because as far as they're concerned Vangie is Marty Blak. Like Coke Blak.
Jase: Marty Special Dark.
Darn: Marty Black Cherry.
Jase: Marty Toffee Love.
Darn: Call me when that show sucks less.

We really are insufferably smug and little people. Meanwhile...


This is the last piece of clothing Dan Gauthier has left. Don't do homey like that. Walking around a South Beach go-go boy. Don't do him like that. SAVE DAN GAUTHIER.

e: brian.frons@abc.com and frank.valentini@abc.com. call: 212-456-3338.

Y&R - Monday - What a Revoltin' Development

Wha--wha--wha? What in the hell is going on? What is going on with this show? It's not awful but I swear it doesn't make sense anymore.

Kay and Jill jokingly saying that Gloria should be CEO, "Queen Gloria", VP of Creative Affairs? That shit ain't funny! Kevin and Gloria moping about and acting like it's them against the world because Jack is seemingly the only person in town that isn't kissing their ass? DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! This evil, satanic heffa gets an office and a title and John's SON has to work in the mailroom? Makes me ill. Why didn't this bitch have to start by scrubbing floors and licking countertops?

This HAS HAS HAS to be a set up for her downfall! If it's not, I will choke a bitch. With a mop.

Why don't you just apologize for breathing, Phyllis?

Phyllis: I--I'm sorry, Nick. I'll just cycle my carbon dioxide over here. Sorry.

Oh my GOD! She was actually singing today! And I'm pretty sure that was part of SoM's score. Yeah, it was. It was. Why doesn't Phyllis just skip down the Newman halls while sucking on a lollipop and counting the rings on her baby belly? Why doesn't she buy out Toys R Us' supply of Rainbow Brite dolls? Ask MommyNikki for clothing advice for this fall's sockhop?

That scene was quite funny, Sharon Case cracked me up with the head swivel. Stop making me like you, chica. Not cool.

STOP MAKING ME HATE MICHAEL AND LAUREN!

Sorry, sometimes I get struck with a blinding rage, and here I thought I was done with Gloho and son for today but nope! I'm fine, so very happy, thrilled really, with hating Gloria and Kevin, in fact I hope they both catch a social disease and die. Preferrably painfully and slowly and off-screen...ly. But if I have to watch them bring down this couple that I adore...I won't stand for it.

I've decided that if I was born rich, white, pompous, sexy and with a head full of the most amazing hair this side of the Mississippi I would be Jack Abbott. Could still happen. You never know.

Billy's been in Miami. Miami has a huge gay population. I'm just sayin'. Hopin' and prayin' but just sayin'.

I know you're like "But what about the horror that happened at the end of the show today? What the shit was that about? Talk about that!".

Hmmm...can't. Can't. Won't. You choose.

EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWW
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! GET OFF OF HIM! HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT! HEEEEEELP! STOP RAPING HIM, SHARON! THAT'S NOT COOL! NOT COOL!

Y&R - Friday - Von Trapped

As much as I don't like Sharon and the pangs of indifference I feel towards Nick I can't help but be on her side. Why don't Nick and Phyllis just build a gingerbread house next to the cabin? They can have a dozen children, name them Hanzel 1 through 6 and Gretel 7 through 12. And then Phyllis can have them help her do laundry as she sings songs from The Sound of Music. Julie Andrews can guest star as Phyllis' mom! Think of the ratings! Oh my God, Nick and Phyllis are the best thing to happen to this show in forever!

They could have an ARMY OF LITTLE BASTARDS! THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Phyllis?
You knock her up with a Newman Spawn!

Phyllis: Hanzel's 1,2,3,4, 5 and 6! Gretel's 7,8,9,10,11 and 12! Supper's READY! Lala!
Hanzel 4: Oh mother, you know that I do not eat things of green! Out, out I say!
Phyllis: I'm sorry, dear. I'll throw this away!
Gretel 11: Mother, I shant call you mother anymore!
Phyllis: Oh darling, why not?
Gretel 11: Because filthy whore rolls off the tongue even better! Filthy whore!
Phyllis: So precocious! Oh children, I've a song for you before we have supper!
Hanzel 1,2,3,4, 5,6 & Gretel 7,8,9,10,11,12: Oh bother!

Doe, what you say after watching this show
Ray, the light that Victor sees
Me, the only word Glo ho can say
Fa, where she needs to go
Sew, what if Dru lied?
La, the noise I repeat when Neil starts to speak
Tea, the only thing ClackClack can make
That will bring us back to Zapato!

Hanzel 1,2,3,4, 5,6 & Gretel 7,8,9,10,11,12: That doesn't even rhyme, what a waste of time!
Phyllis: Oh bother.

Aren't the dead supposed to see everything? Past, present, future? Well, John should see his hellcat of a wife sabotaging his company and his son with her treachery. Treachery! Treachery! Suddenly I feel like an old woman making stabbing motions with her hands. And I don't know why.

I find this whole thing contrived, NO WAY does Jack think, even in his subconscious that Gloria deserves respect. For fuck's sake. And Michael can suck a donkey. He knows his shrew of a mother has no soul. He knows this. Why are they doing this to him? This is wildly out of character for him.

And not that it matters in the least but Ashley was looking a hot mess Friday. Like, on purpose. Sad.

I adore when Dru talks in third person. "Dru is not havin' it. Dru is pouring coffee. Dru is sitting down. Dru is tired. Dru needs rest. Dru is napping." I'd buy that on DVD.

There are rumors about that Jeanne Cooper might be on the chopping block. Let's step back and contemplate this. Jeanne Cooper is not someone you want to fire. Because I believe, with no trace of sarcasm, that she could kick everyone's ass. And by everyone I mean the world. And by the world I mean you. I've only ever watched her on the picture box and she's only about 8 inches tall on there and I still hide behind my couch when she comes onscreen. Because her asskicking ability radiates off the screen. I'm just saying how I feel.

Jeanne: He only speaks the truth.

Y&R - Hatravanganza!

You are cordially invited to the EVENT OF THE SEASON!

DRUCILLA BARBER-WINTERS
Proudly Presents
HatHeadpiecextravaganza!

Welcome, welcome! So many happy faces, SOOOOOOOOO many beautiful people! Bienvenue ! Je suis si heureux de vous voir tout sauf moi parie que vous êtes plus heureux de me voir !

What is a Drucilla Barber Winters Event without some costume changes? It's merely a party is what it is!

Dru: I just found out that I'm 1/8th Brazilian! Embrace!

Dru: Some days you just wake up feeling like a gazelle! I feel like a gazelle! Gazelles are fab! I'm opening a zoo and it is gonna be fierce!

Dru: But you know, you KNOW, I question things. In my mind. Like "What does this particular headpiece say about me?" I call them "headpieces" because "hats" are an indignity you give to baseball caps! This is a part of my soul, you betta recognize, sucka!

Dru: Now I feel like a bird! And that is my perogative! I do what I wanna do!

This is the part of our program where Drucilla re-enacts the "bark like a dog" scene from Coming To America.






Thank you.

Luckily someone spared Dru from being the craziest person at the gala!



Sharon: YES, YES, YES, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!


Sharon: I LOOOOOVE HATS! But I THINK that THEY love ME EVEN MOOOORE! At night, when I sleep, in my bed, they SPRINKLE me with BATH SALTS! I DON'T KNOW WHHHHY BUT THEY DO AND I ENJOY IT! HATS bring ME, Sharon STONE, endless, ENDLESS JOY AND FEAR!
Dru: Oh no I did not invite this, I did not.

Victor: I make Zapato wear hats! ItisveryfunnywhenImakehimwearhats! He whine and he whine and he bites me andIbleedalittle but he look so cute withhishatonhishead!

Nikki: That damn dog!
Dru: Zapato! My new line of headpieces for canines! Genius!
Nikki: That goddamn dog, I kick it when he's not watching. Best 3 seconds of my day.
Dru: I won't tolerate that kind of talk, I'm opening a zoo!