Sep 7, 2006

OLTL/AMC/Crocodile Hunter/etc - STINGRAY.

(A little over) 24 hours in the life of...

Jase: Beyonce has lost her damn mind, imitating Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
Darn: This is true. All the songs she's yelling.
Jase: She is hilarious in the video. Especially in the fatigues in the corner.
Darn: Like Jay Z smacked her. She's an escaped mental patient.
Jase: Your man's secret police have come for you, Beyonce! Look at this bitch jumping around in the corner, bitch you ain't Nightcrawler.


Darn: This other song of hers she starts it by saying "O. M. G. You done lost your mind!" I am serious.
Jase: ?
Darn: She actually says the letters, "O-M-G."
Jase: What song?
Darn: Lost Yo Mind.
Jase: Oh lord. I'll check it out. But this video is hilarious. Her crazy ass facial expressions and movements.

----


Jase: Oh snap! The Crocodile Hunter is DEAD? / Darn: Steve Irwin died.
Jase: SAME TIME!
Jase: LIKE THAT!
Darn: I KNOW!
Darn: FREAKY!
Jase: It's CRAZY!
Darn: When I saw that you were typing I just KNEW that was what you were gonna say. Weirdness.
Jase: Goddamn. How?
Darn: How'd he die? Stingray.
Jase: I love that one word answer. Stingray.
Darn: How'd you get those cupcakes?
Jase: Stingray.
Darn: Thank you.
Jase: I'm just sayin'. We should keep that up for at least a week.
Darn: We should. We're awful people, you know this right?
Jase: I do. What the fuck is a stingray barb?
Darn: Gonna put a stingray on the BARBEE!
Jase: I always thought those fuckers were harmless. Evidently he was not the Stingray Hunter.
Darn: He was the sting...wait for it, stingprey.
Jase: Very nice. I'ma have to Wiki this shit.
Darn: Wha? Why?
Jase: I want to know how a stingray barb works, I want a look.
Darn: Haha, me too.
Jase: It's in the tail, apparently. With venom. Usually they do it to sting a foot if someone steps on them. Evidently they aimed a little higher. HAHA! They already updated his Wiki! ... [He was barbed] THROUGH THE HEART! Oh snap!
Darn: Ouch! It is awful though.
Jase: Steve, you dumb motherfucker.
Darn: He has a kid.
Darn: One he almost fed to a croc. / Jase: Yes, the one he dangled in front of a croc.
Jase: LIKE THAT! / Darn: LIKE DAT!

----

[on daytime's most outrageous stories]
Darn: I know you just LOOOOVE talking about lesbian rape so let's start there.
Jase: Wait, I forgot, whose lesbian rape. Binky?
Darn: Who else? What the hell?
Jase: Well, you never know, I was flashing back to Virginia and the turkey baster!
Darn: WTF? There was no lesbian involved in that.
Jase: I was thinking more the ridiculous stories. And it was lesbian-esque.
Darn: Oh come on.
Jase: She penetrated the woman with a turkey baster and impregnated her.
Darn: I guess it's kinda lesbian-esque. Well, fine. Let's go for the neon sign then, the Melaswen.
Jase: I still can't believe they called it that.
Darn: It's just like Aremid! Giddy!
Jase: Aremid sounded cool.
Darn: JER spent too much time toking up to care.
Jase: And it wasn't easy for me to realize that was Dimera backwards, don't laugh. In fact...I just remembered now.
Darn: Well, you're a dumbass. How do you even pronounce Melaswen?
Jase: MEL-ah-swenn. And fuck you.
Darn: I love that the characters couldn't put it together. "Who...are...the Sreldnahcs?"
Jase: I hate you. Who the hell killed Madden [on AMC], by the way? Just who the hell?
Darn: We don't know.
Jase: I looked in on that piece of shit last week and that fucking aborted fetus with the hot chest was trying to bury himself alive.
Darn: It'll be the third dayplayer from the right!
Jase: Babe, come, help me, help me bury myself alive. For God's sake.
Darn: Oh what the hell.
Jase: I swear to God.
Darn: I hate that botched abortion. He's the Flava Flav of daytime.
Jase: He built himself a goddamned wooden coffin, the hotel valet comes to the door, 'sir, we have complants of noise,' 'no no it's fine,' and he is BUILDING A COFFIN FOR HIMSELF.
Jase: And then the preview shows, like, Babe nailing it shut with him inside. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO HIMSELF? IS HE THAT CRAZY? Who - is this, like, their burgeoning romance?
Darn: I hate that c!ntcake, I can't even talk about her. Die, die, die.
Jase: How did she even get back with JR? How many times has JR tried to kill her?
Darn: Not enough! That whole show is an abomination.
Jase: And that plot with Dixie and Zach doesn't even make sense from a glance. I mean, granted, I have not watched more than five minutes at a time in three or four years, but, what are they DOING? And by the way you need to send another motherfucking Dan Gauthier letter and so do I. I think I will call the comment line too. Finally. This will be, I think, my fourth letter. I am not doing it hardcore like the people who have been doing it seven days a week, I feel bad.
Darn: You should. I kid. Seriously, I've done nothing.
Jase: You fucking louse. WRITE. Tell them you are some kind of black revolutionary activist.
Darn: "I am Dr. Pepper Boof. Ex-lover of Saddam Hussein." No, that's horrible. I feel for her.
Jase: You should. "Dr. Peppered Beef." Oh, I'm going to hell. And I like her. I wrote that whole entry in tribute, begging her to come to OLTL. And I still want her to.
Darn: I like her too.
Jase: Sigh. Fucking Dena Higley.

----

Jase: According to Higley as per today, Todd and Blair's relationship is just all about sex, "but what do we do when we put our clothes on?" Oh, and Starr? Learned to lie from BLAIR.
Jase: Because that was Todd and Blair 2000-2003. Sex, sex, sex. Freaky sex.
Darn: So sexy.
Darn: And WTF? Starr learned to lie from BLAIR? I'm sorry, you were there right, when Todd coached his daughter in how to lie to her mother? Like repeatedly?
Jase: Seriously.
Darn: Hey, did you look at the MySpace?
Jase: I did. I dislike. DISLIKE!
Darn: Oh, fine, it's nothing right now.
Darn: And for some reason the pictures aren't showing up.
Jase: I just hate Myspace on principle. I'm only doing it through the blog, not there.
Darn: Okay, I was just trying to expand the thing.
Darn: I was planning to keep both.
Jase: Well, you go on and expand. I will stay here lost in the past.
Jase: Sifting through the shards of my misty watercolor dreams.
Darn: Poor little jew.
Darn: Update both.
Jase: You can. Myspace gives me hives.
Darn: Me too. You know that.
Jase: I call it Fuckspace.
Jase: No, I don't, that's a lie, I just came up with it.
Darn: I call it SoulCrushing.
Jase: Hellspace, that's good.
Darn: I hate it just on principle and...fact but hey, it's a wider market.
Darn: And Dee is working on a layout for me. We'll see.
Jase: I love that Bruce the stalker is only stalking Adriana for Dorian so he can pay student loans. Dena.
Darn: WTH?
Jase: YES.
Darn: Isn't he like...50?
Darn: And wow, what a dumb fucking reason.
Jase: So fucking funny.
Jase: And I love that the climax of the story ends with...guess what...REX AND THE BAD GUY STRUGGLING FOR THE GUN AND IT GOES OFF. OMGWTFBBQ. WHO COULD IT BE? WHO GOT SHOT, DARN? WHO GOT SHOT? HIJACK THE ABC FEED, I GOTS TO KNOW NOW!
Jase: They must have done that ending eighteen times last year.
Darn: OHNOREXISDEADSAVEREXI'MWRITINGABCRIGHTNOW!
Jase: 11111!!!!!11111
Darn: And I'm hearing Tess is getting integrated for the billionth and final time...?
Jase: Yes, she just did. In front of Nash, Huffy and the whole family. And then they IMMEDIATELY HAD A PARTY.
Darn: HAHAHA!
Darn: Unbelieveable.
Jase: Those motherfuckers just had a party and Jessica is already trying to get freaky with him again!
Jase: "I just remembered getting phantom touch in my hooha, want to do it? Make my under thunder!"
Darn: So wait, they can go on location so that Rex and Adriana can frolic on a beach but they can't location the end of the story. Retarded.
Darn: Damn, so no Jess/Nash?
Jase: Not yet, it's coming apparently. Supposedly she goes all Tess like at the altar with Huffy. I don't know that Tess comes back, but "the Tess side of her comes out." You know, she asserts herself or whatever.
Darn: Wow, finally, it took them 2 years to give us something we were asking for 3 years ago. Good job, ABC!
Darn: That's ALL WE WANTED. Jess to not take his shit and we got 2 years of the Tess merry-go-round.
Darn: And is that singing psycho still around?
Jase: Yes, that crazy whore sang AGAIN today.
Jase: I can set my watch by it, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, whore singing, Tuesday, Wednesday, whore singing.


Jase: I can't wait for fake ass Marty. Yes, I can. But seriously.
Jase: Some fake ho showing up trying to project big Susan Haskell hair, "you raped me, Todd! YOU raped ME! In 1993! No, no, Kevin, NO PICTURES of the old days! I have NO PICTURES!"
Jase: Watch them try and say Patrick just divorced her. Please. Patrick would never do that, love him, hate him, he wouldn't. He better be dead like Noah [on AMC, of Noah and Hoolia] . Those bitches went underground to escape the IR motherfucking A. She should not be living large in the OC.
Darn: "Remember how you raped me Todd. On the bed. In the frat house. Sweatband in mah mouth. 13 years ago. That was me! Marty Saybrooke! Raped! By Todd! I have a son! He's Starr's age! I'm Marty!"
Jase: Then she will whip out a Polaroid of the fake ass Marty with a sock in her mouth. "My instant camera took this picture back then, Todd! We never knew!" You know Dena would do that.
Darn: She would. "My Polaroid SQ7 took this picture, Brendon found it in my belongings! I had evidence, Todd! I never knew!"
Jase: Brendan. For God's sake.
Darn: SOR-REE. I tend to not remember the names of characters I didn't know about until 2 hours ago.
Jase: Brendan was Blair's dead baby. Cole is apparently Marty's son, GET IT RIGHT!
Darn: SOOOOOOREE!
Darn: Haha, sore.
Jase: You dummy. Your continuity is all jacked up, Darn. I must regulate.
Darn: Either she and Vangie will be insta-enemies or BFFs.
Jase: Vangie will try to step to her. "You don't know Todd. Who are you?"
Jase: I want to see Marty smack that ho down. But they won't, because as far as they're concerned Vangie is Marty Blak. Like Coke Blak.
Jase: Marty Special Dark.
Darn: Marty Black Cherry.
Jase: Marty Toffee Love.
Darn: Call me when that show sucks less.


We really are insufferably smug and little people. Meanwhile...


This is the last piece of clothing Dan Gauthier has left. Don't do homey like that. Walking around a South Beach go-go boy. Don't do him like that. SAVE DAN GAUTHIER.

e:
brian.frons@abc.com and frank.valentini@abc.com. call:
212-456-3338.

3 comments:

Darn said...

Thanks, jase, thank you for making our nonsense and ramblings and cruelty public. MUCH THANKS, MOTHERFUCKER!

Oracle42 said...

But, but I don't want Dan to put on clothes. He looks purty like that.

kia said...

Oh, shit. That Steve Irwin stuff was hilarious. See, I'm a bit sick. Twisted, even.