DOOL - A Pimp Named Hunley

'A Pimp Named Hunley,' it's a phrase, like 'A Tribe Called Quest, A Man Called Horse!' Say it with me one time!

Yeah, I got them letters. I got 'em right here. Right up in hurr. Oh, you want them? Oh, you want the - you want my letters? You want my letters, Brady? You want 'em, then you know what you - I know you know what you got to do for me, I ain't gonna say it outright, I know you know. You have to show me the money clip, Roman! Pull it out! Pull it out, show and tell! Turn it around, let it glitter in the artificial light! Show me your money clip! And you, make me a mojito! And you - get naked! You too, Will! Oh, no, not you, bad idea. Bad idea.

Oh yes, she's back! She's back and she's better than ever before! And I say that despite the fact that I personally would have no fucking idea, since I ain't never seen Anna DiMera on this show before! Before my time, it was! I was a toddler back then! My bad! But you know, she's here, and the plain, simple and clean fact is that she is ten times hotter than some people and has got about fifty times the personality and spark, even after all these years later. She owned those incredibly awkward, stilted Brady pub scenes that the actors had to do their best with. It was all like, "oh, Anna, interesting, you fucking disappeared completely like twenty years ago, okay, ON WITH YOUR PLOT FUNCTION. PERFORM FUNCTION, ANNA. PERFORM PLOT FUNCTION NOW." But they made the best of it, and Leeann Hunley just took the shit by storm. What was so funny too is that everybody else in those scenes is trying to be mad Days of our Lives serious, all "tell us your dark secrets about the DiMeras, Special Guest Star," and Anna is just busy molesting Fauxman and lifting cash and booze. "I got like six weeks here and then it's back to living off residuals of TBS reruns of Dawson's at 8 AM, I'm taking it all, bitch!" I absolutely loved it and loved her and it was not at all what I was expecting from those goofy-ass scenes with her in the Time Trapper cloak and hood. No mealymouthed, scurred little woman, Anna.

By contrast, where the Brady Pub family sitdown scenes last week were incredibly rushed and ill-fitting to me, the DiMera strategy session was perfect. And this from someone who thinks the DiMeras are mostly played out except for EJ, and despite my still loving Joe Mascolo and Thaao Penghlis. Which brings me to my next point, people, or rather, a side point: THAAO PENGHLIS DON'T GET NO RESPECT. Every time this show fucks some story with these guys up, who do the fans dogpile? Who gets the first flaming bag of dogshit on their virtual doorstep? It's Thaao Penghlis, that's who. All because he plays Tony DiMera who Reilly and co. did fucking anything and everything ludicrous with, and because he dared to be candid and raw and honest and real in the fake-ass soap press about bad stories and bad management in daytime. Well, fuck that, because he's right, and he deserves some props. The Thaao Penghlis I know is that dude with the eyes and the voice who is in every fucking bad TV show or movie you ever saw but can't recognize! He'll do anything, he's everywhere! And he's always a fey badass! Show some respect for Thaao Penghlis, people! I remember him from Altered States, taking William Hurt to go get high with him on the evil Amazon juice that turns William Hurt into some kind of fuckin' man-ape! You remember that? I do! You remember him in that horrible Mission: Impossible revival in the late '80s? No, no one else does, but I do! Thaao Penghlis is a raw motherfucker and he's my raw motherfucker and I love him for just what he is - an overtanned, leather-skinned, gold chain wearing aging omnisexual love god who can take the piss out of anyone anywhere on any over the top serial. Thaao, I believe you could take George Hamilton anyday. I hope you and your hunky "cousins" or "nephews" or whoever all those hot young dudes you run around the world with are have a great fucking time in Greece or Tasmania or Shangri-La or wherever the hell it is you're going next for more thoroughly heterosexual escapades. Go on, Thaao! And keep on keepin' on on the show.

Thaao Penghlis: Your ongoing sexual problem. Where has his finger been? INSIDE YOUR SOUL.


But anyway. Back to the DiMera meeting scenes. They were brilliant, for once, and they were actually worthy of the actors in them, especially My Boy Thaao. For once, finally, this show acknowledged that Tony DiMera was not always the Snidely Whiplash, train-track-maiden-tying bastard we've seen for like fifteen years. Tony was not always that dude working with Al Qaeda or fake serial killing half the town or getting "eaten by a tiger." It wasn't always like that. No, Tony used to be a good guy, a romantic lead, struggling against his past, loved by good (and bad) women. He used to have so much depth and pathos and Reilly and the '90s threw it all away - for what? So to have Hogan Sheffer address this massive change in Tony for once, onscreen, is exhilarating, and judging by his recent comments he's eager to do more with the character. Tony actually questioned what's become of him since then, why he's become his Fawwthaaa's lapdog, why he turned his back on love (like with Anna) , when he became such a maniac. I think he's meant to be a mirror image of what EJ could become if he turns on his, uh, love for Sami, and devotes himself to the family. And I think that's a fascinating dynamic. I also like Stefano being the old man advocating for peace (not that that makes much sense since he sent EJ to Salem himself, had Steve programmed and demanded the stem cells) , while Tony, once the pacifistic DiMera, has gone round the bend, and knows it, but can't help himself. If you ask me, the subtext is that Tony knows what he's doing, his pushing for the continued feud, is wrong, that he's gone wrong, but he's so bitter and angry with Stefano for making him this way that he is going to force Stefano to continue, to finish what he started and what he made of Tony. And that's interesting.

Lexie, OTOH? No point. No point. Nothing going on there. I love Renee Jones and Jim Reynolds but I just don't care about her right now. She's back to fretting about Abe like her Nell phase meant nothing. And where is Benjy? I want Benjy. That dude was hot. The thing is, this BRADY vs. DIMERA XXXVIII "story" is so far mostly just a series of crazy, quasi-Reilly-style events, plot points and action beats, with better writing, like the scenes I just discussed. The problem is, so far, IMHO, the organization, the plotting remains the same - lame stunt after lame stunt. OMG a bomb! ZOMG it's a clock! No, it's Hobo Lexie! I think this whole "story" was invented hastily by committee to up ratings, and while I appreciate seeing all these actors and appreciate that the writing is a lot better, I know Hogan Sheffer can do better. And hopefully, fix EJ a bit more. I don't like no rape, and I don't like no rapist/rape victim pairing, but I love me some EJ and some EJ/Sami. I can't help it. I love Lumi too, don't blame me. Oh, Lucas, you and your cute little chest. C'mere. C'meeerrree. I want to pinch your tiny head [cranium] .

And then there was the teen scene.

Air Statutory Assrape With Use Of Intoxicants: Soon we'll be taking anooother ruuunnnn.


So here's how I know how Jeremy Horton and Jett Carver are just what DOOL has been waiting for and needed all this time. Number one, they have their own photo shoot on NBC.com! Number two, OMG they're so HOOOTTTT. Number three, again, they're hot, so much hotter than puny guys like Nick or Max who have stupid shit like, you know, personalities, depths, unconventional beauty. Number four, they're Hortons! and Carvers! Ain't that all you need? Isn't that what we've all been crying for more of? Well, they're here, so what's to complain about? Of course they're insanely attractive (in a Aryan sort of way) and of course they are a hunky combo pack of duo love which serves as a useful tool for introducing them simultaneously instead of giving them unique personalities, storylines, and a fresh approach! That would get in the way of the OOOH SO SEXY PREFABRICATED NETWORK-SANCTIONED AND APPROVED HOT. And of course, of course, they're just so amazing and new and hot that all the young ladies on the show can't wait to drop it like it's hot for the master race! Chelsea and Nick? Psh! She want it! She know she want it! Fake-ass NuStephanie with the no IQ? She want it bad! And Nick, well, fuck Nick, we'll just piss on him all summer, hell, looking at Nick, he'll probably get it too. Because everybody thinks Jeremy and Jett are mad hot and this Pimp My Plane/Las Vegas storyline with OMG GARMENT CONTRABAND is sure to be a pulse-pounding, cooch-sizzling summer success. I loved when Nazi-ass Jeremy tried to sell Max on their ILLEGAL GARMENT TRADE by explaining "it's not high-grade plutonium or heroin we're talking about here, man!" Oh, but it should be, that would be fucking hilarious. On Passions it would be. And of course Chelsea, so hesitant about Teh Sex with Nick, the man she loves, will give it up in short order for the god made flesh and obvious sexual predator that is Jeremy/Jett, either/or, really, because why not? We know that in the summer, young girls have no integrity! That's the message to send the kids! Marcus Patrick, you are one hot-ass man but I'm afraid I just can't like you at all here. And what a waste of Jeremy Horton, who I personally always thought of as being a Nick type, and not, you know, Das Ubermensch.

Super-Soldier serum? Whut? Red Skull? Nazi clone? Ooh, don't be harshing my mellow, baby girl! Mmm, your skin smells like orange honeysuckle, Playdoh, and Nilla wafers! Oh, wait, that's me. That's my taint. My bad. Mmmm, breathe me in. Mind my headlights, girl, they follow you wherever you look.

So this coming week, I will be covering Y&R and GL, while Darn presumably lives up to his end of the bargain and covers OLTL and AMC, the latter of which is his babeh. Yes, we are switching networks for a week. Will it work? TIME WILL TELL. I will try to do GL daily, and Y&R twice or thrice a week, and I will probably consign DOOL to bi-weekly or weekend blogging, as I did this past week. Hope no one minds. Once again I have shamelessly ganked pictures from the MSN group Days Of Our Lives 2, as well as ThaaoPenghlis.com, sure to sue me. Enjoy your evening, for tomorrow, we look into the, uh, remains of the Light. Where Josh Lewis became a priest. A priest. Seriously, WTF. I don't know either.

Hmm, yes, I say, ripping good show, ripping good. Fancy a dash around the green? Go on then old son! Brilliant! A little fiddling about, play find the putting hole, a little jump the hurdle? Giving you what for, hmm? Swift rodgering? Yes? Brilliant!