GL - Thursday - Reva Begs For Sex From A Rapist

See? Priest. eheheheheheh.

Where would GL be without Bradley fucking Cole? Jeffrey the CIA Agent Prince Imposter Brilliant Attorney Date Rapist is the only one in town, Reva says, who could ever possibly figure out her and Jonathan's brilliant ruse! No one else! It's impossible! They don't have the Rubik's Cube brain that the amaaaaazing Jeffrey has! The thing is, this whole drama of someone discovering Reva keeping the huge secret about Jonathan and Sarah is good stuff, but the circumstances - the whole Budget Inn snuff video underground bone marrow transplant thingy - was so bizarre and silly that it kills what otherwise could be good soapy stuff. So that was shit, and then plus, Reva kept on flirting with Jeffrey. Because that's Reva: Always sniffing for dick. Even rapist dick. I was so repulsed when she jeered, "Do I have to put out?" No. That's fine. Stop. Put your udders away.

Unfortunately even more thrilling storyline hinges on Reva and Jeffrey's "delightfulchemistry," because, as I alluded to before, Olivia (played by the legendary Crystal Chappell) is now hot for her rapist. As of last week (which I watched some of to prepare for this week of entries) they keep having these insane, grotesque Meet Cute typical soap opera scenes. "OOOHHH JEFFREY! O'NEIL! JEFFREY O'NEIL! O'NEIL YOU ANTAGONIZE AND BEWILDER ME WITH YOUR DISAGREEABLENESS, YOUR RAW MANLINESS, YOUR CHAUVINISM AND DISMISSIVENESS BUT SOMEHOW IT DRAWS ME TO YOU EVER MORE! YOU ARE MY ISSUE, O'NEIL! YOOOOOUUUU!!!" And then she tried to hump him. Tried to playfully hump and seduce her rapist. Is this 1973? Am I wearing bell bottoms and do I have a bowl cut? Is feminism still a gleam in someone's eye? Is what Jeffrey did to Olivia now once again considered "a man's privilege" or some shit? Was he just "giving her what for" and "sparking a lifelong passion?" What the fuck is this? Seriously! GL has done rape stories before, it knows better. Granted, it did Roger and Holly, where the chemistry was so incandescent that they kept going back to the well, and granted I am a hypocrite for still being into EJ/Sami/Lucas on DOOL, but for Christ's sake - everyone seems to treat it like no big deal! Olivia just nonchalantly jibber-jabbers with people about her "strange feelings" for Jeffrey, like they were summertime lovers! Bitch he raped you! Wake up! Ellen Wheeler, where are you? What are you doing? No, seriously, what the fuck are you doing? Jake and Marley, Jake and Marley?! Stop getting high and produce the show properly! Oversight people! And also, Crystal? Ms. Chapp - no, Crystal? You are looking a little like late stage Madonna. That ain't good. Put a stop. Put a stop.

More reasons for me to adore this Ashlee Wolfe girl: She had to regulate on that bitchy girl in juvie. Marcie on OLTL would've just sung and cried as the mean girls piled trash and medical waste upon her and dreamed up more demented Killing Club scenarios; not Ashlee! Today's show moral is Ashlee and Coop are the hotness and will regulate when necessary. And so I heard the word and the word was good. I also loved their hilarious riff on Alan; "that Alan Steinman guy, Steinberg, what was his name..." Coop of course tries to tweak and hide his rodney from Ashlee after the hug ("big girls? Me?") and go compensate by hitting on Ava. This is my first hands-on exposure to Ava but I am familiar with her overly convoluted history which, like Jeffrey, gives her no real reason to be on this show cluttering shit up and being thoroughly improbable. The actress is quite good, IMHO, but the role, no. Though I will admit she interacted well enough with Coop, in which case, she better be careful, because Ashlee will check her. Check. her.



Tell me Maeve Kinkead is not still hot as shit. Tell me. I dare you. I fucking double dog dare you. That woman is ageless. Paul Rauch is a dirty lunatic. She still looks absolutely amazing, she is still a wonderful actress, and it's to GL's credit that despite their Wal-Mart budget and so-so stories, they still have enough sense to regularly employ Maeve and Kurt McKinney as Matt and Vanessa. On OLTL, Dinah would get shot in the head and Vanessa and Matt would be perpetually "stuck at the airport in Zimbabwe." Just sayin'. She sold her rage at Matt, great stuff. Unfortunately, Kurt McKinney appears to be saddled with permanent "low flow shower head" hair.

After returning home from Dinah's bedside at the hospital, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion on my face. Upon entering the replenishing shower Marina insisted I take, I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. Do you like Phil Collins, Marina? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work...

You can tell Officer Patrick Bateman is strung out and exhausted because look - he has HALF-ASSED BANGS. But is still very intense. Mallet Don't Play. I love that Cedars Hospital appears to be made of plywood and matzoh crackers. Because Guiding Light is ON A BUDGET Y'ALL. ON A BUDGET. It also appears to have Japanese sliding doors though, like a sushi bar. Interesting touch. I keep wanting people to come crashing through the paper walls, like I believe Homer did on The Simpsons.

Raw sexuality.

Jeffrey the Town Rapist's law partner is...Dr. Mel. Okay then. Never mind. Ain't gonna question. Fine. Seriously, Bradley Cole looks ridiculous. He has ever since he started to play Jeffrey by demanding a "departure" so he could play this hardcore, rough character who is so fucking lame. I swear to God his floppy longish hair and mustache and shit look like fake spy hair extensions, like Groucho Marx. All Bradley Cole will ever look like is a down and out John Tesh.

Awright I'm spent. Tomorrow will bring the DOOL weekly update, which will hopefully return to semi-daily regularity after this cross-network stunt of mine ends after I finish blogging GL and Y&R for the week, and after I get a little break. Final Y&R post is coming. Will Darn ever fulfill his end of the bargain and blog more ABC? Who knows? Anyway. Today's GL retro YouTube moment is Quint and Nola's antebellum ball, and you know who's there and pissed...









Still hot. Sorry.