Y&R - Friday - I Am Changing

What's that? What's that sound? Are--dear God--are Phyllis and Nick... [shudder] arguing? Is their twisted little Family of Fuck showing kinks in its armor? Next thing you know Phyllis will start ordering for herself at restaurants. This is insanity. I don't know what to do with myself. I need a moment. Uno momento, motherfucker.

[Moment]

Okay, I'm better. I want to start a prayer circle for the two lovebirds. Their love can weather the storm, I just know it. I just know it.

Alright, I can't keep it up, I'm boring myself. And if you don't care about Nick or Phyllis and don't want to be bored further you can skip the next 2 paragraphs.

Is their first fight really about Brad? I mean, really? Out of all the things that could have damaged their relationship it's this? Brad and his platitudinous tale of concentration camps and stolen Nazi art. Not that their relationship grew out of the death of Nick's child or that they left two former lovers destroyed in their wake?

It's as though no one wants to address any of the true issues in their relationship. Do you know what Nick and Phyllis are not? They're not "Young Love". They're "Rode Hard And Put Away Wet Love". They don't get to argue about the little things when the big, huge, monumental are still there. I don't understand the direction of this relationship at all, there are so many, many, MANY things that could make them a fascinating love to hate and hate to love couple but I just plain hate them.

Is Gloria wearing fur? Where's Dick Cheney when you need him?

Wow, how much does Jana suck? Jana and Amber, together gobbling up screentime for no good goddamn reason. This is just getting to the point where I'm thinking they have NO plan for these two. Thrusting Amber into Kay and Jill's (potentially good) plot? We needed Amber for that?

Now, about this Sheila/Phyllis thing. I don't know what to make of it, one part of me is like "Ew. What? Why? Isn't Michelle Stafford due for a vacation? Wasn't Sheila's last return bad enough? You mean to say ShinyChestedBitch is now ShinyChestedButch? Ha, no.", the other part of me is "How wonderfully 80's!". But the largest part of me (I have many parts, you understand) is like "Dear God, let's get on with it.". Because the classic breakdown of this story goes as such:

• The prisoner turns the tables on their kidnapper and escape.

• They kidnap the original and lock them up (this time with their own kidnapper, so different).

• They take over their life.

• They have sex with their victim's signifigant other and generally act weird and No One Notices.

• They're eventually found out after months of sturm and drag and it all ends in a climatic shoot-out. Or whatever, it's all very dramatic. There will be lots of slow motion shots basically.

• And then Phyllis will be like "How could you have sex with her Nick?! How could you!" and then she'll cry and shit.
  

But you guys, please hear me out here, I'm going to actually let the story play out a bit before I judge it completely. I know. It's a risk. But one I'm willing to take. I hope you'll take it with me.

Now imagine me saying that insincere as all fuck and you'll get the general gist of it.

2006 is almost over and you know what that means? Schmaltzely crap. I hate it but it's expected, ya know. Honestly, I want to thank everyone who has read and supported this blog over the past 6 months. I use the word "awesome" like some coke up frat boy but for real, y'all are AWESOME. I'd like to thank the TWOPpers for encouraging me to do this, it's lots of fun and something I look forward to every week. Thanks to Jase for listening to me when I whine "I don't know what to write!" and making this blog seem alive when I've made it seem dead.

Thank you and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it's good to you.

Y&R - Update

This is taking longer than I thought. I've got a lot to say and things to post but my computer is acting all wonky. I'll have something by tomorrow/today.

Y&R - Wednesday - What Are You? New? Man.

"Comehere! I amtalkingtoyouchambermaid! Wash my FEET! Brushmyhair! SOFTLY! Singmeasong! Somethingpopopera-ish! Suckmypenis! SOFTLY! Ohohohohoahahahah!"

Victor slouching in his favorite chair, belly protruding, hand to chin and "Hmmm"-ing and "Ahhhh"-ing to every single thing that Brad, Clack and Rebecca had to say pretty much cemented his place as the Grand Poobah of Genoa City. Sure, they didn't want to tell all, they had to tell all or guess what? Victor wouldn't like them anymore. And that would be a tragedy.

I especially enjoyed his lightbulb moment, "So it was my investigation into your past that almost got you murdered? Interesting." Could he be a bigger dick?

This show is being written like it's brand new. Like these people just met 6 months ago and are getting to just now know each other. People sitting around claiming Jack is capable of murder? Yes, he certainly is, who isn't but the reason would have to be a good, great, superior one. If they expect anyone to buy that Jack would murder Carmen because she found he owns his own fucking company is monumentally stupid. That Michael considers him a viable suspect without question just makes my head throb. That Ashley, morally superior Ashley (call me when Jack steals a woman's eggs, k, Ash?) acting like Jack was literally sent forth from Hell to torment her is...wow. Throb, throb, throb.

SPEAKING OF BRAND NEW, COULD COLLEEN BE ANY NEWER? I know 9-year-olds more mature than her.

Seriously, Rolie Polie Olie, you're making Lily seem like member of MENSA. One of the lesser known and therefore inferior but still.

Johanna's gone and Gloria's still here, draped in animal skin and feeding on the lifeblood of the living, could LML hate me anymore? It's like I ask for Caesar salad and she gives me a hamhock. I ask for fine wine and she serves me piss. What I want I don't get, what I don't want I get more of.

BTW I, like some sort of Colleen, completely forgot that when I switched to bloggerbeta my mailing list thing disappeared so if you want you can still sign up for it (I'll work on making it look prettier, it's off-center now).

And tell me what you think of the banner. That's not permenant, I'm gonna try to change it up. *crosses fingers*

EDIT: OH YEAH, SEE DREAMGIRLS! It's fan-fucking-tastic. Jennifer Hudson will kill you. And break your heart. And kill you again.

Y&R - Happy Monday!

Yes, the day is almost over but I'm nothing if not a procrastinator. Hope yours wasn't as boring as mine!

Nick's nuts roasting on an open fire
Aunt Jack striking with a pose (kick, one, two, jazzhands!)
Unholy carols being sung by the Cream cryer
And Olivia worried about H.M.O.s



Everybody knows clucking will be utter by the Glo
Helping to make our fandom blight
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to creep (me the fuck out) tonight



They know that Victor's on his way
He's loaded his shot gun
And Nikki's in his way
And every viewer's mouth is gonna sigh
When those epilectic bullets start to fly



"Ishootyou, Ishootyoudead! Pop, pop, mydarlingNikki!"

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
To (emotionally stunted) adults from eighteen to a one hundred and two (Hi Kay and GhostDad!)
Although its been said
Many times, many ways
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to...You!



Ho



Ho



HOS!!!

Y&R - Factually Yours

Here are a few more Random Facts! I wanted to spread them over a few days but what the hell? Actually I saw that a few people had already watched, it's not like I can hide 'em, ya know? Enjoy!









Hey, if anyone knows how to create a blogger template or can lead me in the right direction let me know, it would be much appreciated.

Y&R - Tuesday - High On Life

So it's just after 6 AM, I haven't slept yet and I'm a little high on fat free hard candy! Woo! This is me living dangerously. I think next I'll use some non-dairy creamer.

Hey, Colleen, just so you know, God totally isn't judging. Or Moses. Or Jesus. Or...rabbis? Yeah, totally not judging you for sexing up your professor on school grounds. Probably sacred grounds. At one time. For the Native Americans. (Which Brad could be, you never know) Or for the pre-marital marathon sex. Or cheating on your boyfriend.

Whore.

When Korbel was going on about Colleen being a statue or whatever, I was actually waiting for him to refer to her as Rubenesque so we could re-address that dangling eating disorder plotline.

This is entitled: I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Big Boned, It Runs In My Family, You Should See My Mom

I love that Lily's ACTUAL DIALOGUE is "Daniel, Daniel, are you okay?! No, don't say anything!" She's said a variation of that at least 20 times the past 2 days. Let's ignore Christel Khalil's abysmal and truly embarassing performance for a moment (I know it's hard but bear with me), these lines were actually scripted. Some sat down and typed those lines. They thought to themselves "Hmmm, I'll have Lily ask Daniel how he's doing. Then have her tell him to keep quiet. Oh, that's jolly good fun, let me do it 15 more times."

I honestly appreciate that most of the cast is being accounted for during this "event" or whatever you want to call it. I've seen other soap "events" and those made a choice to focus on a select group of characters and virtually ignore the rest of the cast, I suppose for the sake of streamlining things into a manageable tale. But they're managing to juggle things fairly well. Color me pleasantly surprised.

I don't understand how a man who's so loving and tender towards the ex who broke his heart can be painted as a villain. S'okay, Jackieboy, I got your back. Peter Bergman for teh win! Yes, "teh", I'm internet hip. So emo. He is too!



See? Kindred Spirits.

Here is literally 53 seconds of your life you will never, ever get back and for that? I'm sorry. The end is a bit long but I just couldn't stop laughing at the hand movements.

Y&R - Monday - Iron Monkey

Today was much better than Friday, I hope this ice storm lasts all week.

Phyllis: Why don't they have jammies with feet for grown-ups?

Oh, but they do, they really DO ! Now I want footie pajamas. Thanks, Phyllis.

Today reminded me that Peter Bergman and Michelle Stafford are each other's best screen partners. They just...fit. Like a glove? No, like an Iron Maiden.

Why you so sexy, torture?

That's Jack and Phyllis, sexy torture. Individually they're fucked up, together they're UNBELIEVEABLY fucked up. But in the best possible way. It's weird, for months I've hated the prospect of this baby being born but now that it's almost here and Jack is there I'm all "AWWWW, BABEE!". That'll only keep if the kid is Jack's. Not that Phyllis is good enough for Jack as written but wow, are my Jack and Phyllis fan juices flowing.

But Phyllis plans for her delivery? Hilarious. Scissors, mouthwash, spirit gum, Pam cooking spray and lipgloss.

*: Daniel, Daniel, are you okay?!
Daniel: Gack.
*: DAN-YUL ANSWER ME, ARE YOU OKAY?!
Daniel: Gu--
*: SHUT UP! ARE YOU OKAY NOW?!
Daniel: I'm--
*: DAN-DAN-DAN-YUUUUUUL, YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP QUIET AND STAY STILL I'LL GO GET HELP, OKAY?
Daniel: I'm injured, not deaf, you nitwit.
*: YOU'RE DELIRIOUS! DAN-YUL-DAN-YUL-DAN-YUL! DON'T TALK ANSWER ME DAMN YOU SHHHH!
Nick: There's a gas leak, you guys.
*: WHAT?!
Nick: There is a gas leak!
*: I HEARD YOU, OHMAHGAWD, GAS! AHHHHHHH! DAN-YUL, AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

[arms flailing Lily runs into traffic]

Nick: How do you not kill her?
Daniel: Willpower.
*: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Let's play a game: SPOT THE KHALIL!

The winner gets ear plugs.

Y&R - Friday - Seeing the Future

Could you foretell me hating your ass, Sylvia? Cause I coooooould.

If I wanted to watch Montel Williams I would watch Montel Williams but chaknowwhat? I hate that bastard and this lady, in my opinion, is nothing but a fraud preying on the hopes and wishes of some gullible people. Which isn't Kay but whatever, let's get this tale of whatthfuck moving along, please.

Sharon is a better person than I. I would have given Phyllis a jar of cocoa butter to remind her that she's fat and pregnant and soon to have a c-section. Now that would have been bitchy.

Dru: Devon's okay, his ride cancelled.
Neil: Oh good, now tell Lily to stay put.
Dru:...
Neil: What?
Dru: Do I have to, you know, talk to her?
Neil: Dru...
Dru: Can't I send carrier pigeon? I know, it might take a few weeks but them's the break, ya know?

Why's the ice gotta be black?

Hmmm, wouldn't it have made more sense to have Phyllis go with Nick to get her bag? You're a feisty one, Contrivance.

Joanna is fantastic. Yes, we have a mutual nemesis but outside of that Susan Seaforth-Hayes is just wonderful in the role.

Gloria: Babies need to be babies, Joanna.
Joanna: What else would he be, Gloria?

You WIN, Joanna! You win mah heart and mah soul. Before Gloria gets to feast on both, hopefully.

[Jack upon seeing Phyllis still at the office]
Jack: Pregnant again so soon?

With the way those two are fucking I wouldn't be surprised if the little urchin was gestating already.

You know what this "Jack delivers Phyllis' baby" setup means, right?

Darn Keepin' Hope Alive in '07!

Y&R - Thursday - Meow

Here are my thoughts on today's show.



And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Y&R - Wednesday - Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Old joke, not a new spin, I don't care, it's fucking true.

It's hard to tell but they all have boobs. Which is more than apropos.

So they get every suspect for Carmen's murder into the same room and then act like they're NOT in the same room? Those scenes could have played out anywhere! I wanted to see everyone pointing fingers and yelling "J'accuse!" as they circled each other while holding letter openers! Thrust, thrust, jab, jazzhands!

Colleen: Adrian got me a book.
*: A whaaaaaat?
Colleen: A book.
*: What does that do? Do you have to feed it and stuff? I had a goldfish once, it died. My mom said it needed "food" which is like, what? It's a fish! If I was a fish I totally wouldn't need food.
Colleen: I'm gonna go.
*: You can't, silly. You live in the phone, like duh.
Colleen: ...okay. I'm hanging up now.

Only this Lily could make Collen seem smart.

And I'm done. Today was sinfully boring. Bring on the snowstorm with the hot sex and car accidents and baby delivering! It has to be better than this. I'll leave you with this:

Y&R - Tuesday - Shut Up and Oooh, electricity!

So * was back in full force and a bit of my soul died. All I could see was this:

Good LORD, the howler monkey has returned and she's scarier than ever. What was she saying today? I don't know, my ears were full of blood and hatred.

Paul and DetectiveSmokesAlot, what? Who? Huh? No thanks.

Michael is frustrateratedruttedrootedcahooted. Alright, I'm getting sick of him. Take a valium, motherfucker.

Who does Victoria dress like an 11 year old from 1898? I mean, take a look...

*Actual Victorian Age dress*

*Victoria in Actual Victorian Age dress*

You know you see it, don't lie.

Y&R - Monday - Love to Love Ya

Neil and Dru, keepin' it real and deadsexy in '07

How nice to see them acting like mature adults who have lived life and know it exists or ups and downs. Not Neil being a petulant brat or Dru being a shrieking banshee. Will it last? Do I think it'll last? Probably not but a married couple reuniting and rolling around in bed being all sleepy and sexy as fuck? Hell Yes, Y&R.

Hell to the Yes.

Jill and Katherine ARE mother and daughter. Snores. Love you girls but do something anytime you want, 'kay? Though props to Jill for getting hit on by a younger man. That Vincent guy is kinda weird though, maybe he killed whatsherwhore.

Hey Nick, your wife is eleventy months pregnant, maybe you shouldn't be living it up with your sister on the tackiest set this side of the Genoa City Athletic Club Rooftop Bar and Grill.

If Colleen was married to the mafia she'd be dead by now. Can JT take a shit without her asking for the consistency and shape?

JT: About 3 inches, greenish-brown, bits of rice. You know, the usual.
Colleen: Thanks, JT! I'm putting it in my journal!

Dear Journal,

JT took a dump today! I am so happy for him, it shows a true commitment to our love that he felt free enough to have a bowel movement with me watching! But oh no, Journal, I just had a thought, he didn't tell me the density! I'm sick of all these lies, Journal, how can I know our relationship is healthy if I don't know these aspects of his life! All of his lies are RUINING US! OMG, Journal, if I don't get his urine sample tonight I am TOTALLY gonna jump off the roof.

JT and Colleen and AMBER and Professor Korbore, whatever the fuck his name is, who cares? Here's the thing, Colleen is practically new herself, ProfessorChildMolester is new as is Amber (B&B nonwithstanding) so we've basically got JT as the only established character here. And that's sad. A quadrangle with this band of simpletons has to be a form of animal abuse, right?

Y&R - I'm Special

"Mmmm, yes, kitty, kitty, hungry for some meow mix, Ghostdad? Maybe we can play in the pussywillows? Take a load off in my kitty litter? Eh, eeeeeh? Too far?"

Y&R - GO HOME, AMBER!

Ugh, of all the actors, of all the CHARACTERS they (LML and her minions) could have brought back they bring on AMBER FUCKING MOORE! She was a succubus on The Bold and the Besutiful, all she'll do here is take away from people we like and actually care about! What in the FUCK is going ON over THERE?!

Goddamn squeeky voiced moron.

Y&R - Tuesday - Jack Attack

As a Jack fan I'm feeling pretty glum these days, not really in the mood to comment on a day full of sub-humans like Gloria saying that Jack is "the most selfish man in the world" (HA! You'd know, bitch) my boy is getting torn down by everyone and their moms (no, really, Nick and Nikki hate him as do Jill and Kay, I tell no lies). It's sad, sad, sad. But I still love Jack and that? That's...

JUST TERRIFIC!

A sequel, there's some Phyllis thrown in for good measure.

JUST TERRIFIC 2!

Y&R - Monday - Gloworm

Gloria: [to baby Finn] Goobye, my precious.

DING, DING, DING!

Don't see it? Maybe this will help.

Okay. How about now?

It's like a mirror-image. I declare thee Glolum.

Kay: Always a gentleman, Paul.

Except when he's raping people. Oopsie! That didn't happen! Why do people keep hiring him? His clientele only consists of friends and acquaintances.

No way could Jack run for public office, the skeletons in his closet looks like a veritable graveyard. So Victor's going to encourage him to go into politics and then sabotage his campaign? Oh no, this is not Victor at all. This relies far too much on chance. What if Jack is adamant about not running? What if he goes for it and he's immediately shot down? There is no guarantee that Jack will end up humiliated and Victor doesn't like things that aren't guaranteed. Nikki all sex-kittenish and plotting with Victor is nice to see though.

What hasn't Jana done? "I was a coked out junkie whorah! I gave it up for money! It was delightful! Lauren, did you know that a spoon full of sugar helps the heroine go down? The heroine go down, the heroine go dooooown! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is codeword for smack!"

THEORY Will Bardwell is Katherine's real child, Y&R loves it's psuedo-incest THEORY

Sup, Drucilla?

We know Gloria is the resident cockatoo but Dru is acting like a straight up chickenhead. Simmadownnow, woman! Maybe if you calm down you'll give others a moment to process what you're saying and perhaps, just perhaps, consider your position. Acting like a fool has gotten you absolutely nowhere. Except your entire family accused of murder. It got you there.

GH - Monday - IT'S AN INTERNET WAR YALLS

OMG Alcazar and Ric have taken over the Internets! Sonny and Jason and their black friend have to stop them!!111oneONEpublicenemyONE What a load of shit. I'm sure Jason and Sonny are all over that sophisticated programming language.

10 PRINT "General Hospital";
20 INPUT "Is Genie Francis on today?"; A
30 IF (A="Y") THEN GOTO 80
40 IF (A="N") THEN GOTO 90
50 INPUT "jason says killric"
Syntax error.
60 INPUT "kjill alczare"
Syntax error.
70 INPUT "shootalzacar"
80 RUN
90 SHOW SUCKS DONKEY COCK = END

I'm a dick, angel! A huge, sick, selfish dick! Mmm, I like this pole.

GH - Week 11/6-10 etc - Laura Gets Fucked, and other stories

Laura: ...Man, fuck that red disco dress, Luke, fuck it! Look at me! Would you just fucking look at me! It's amazing what basement fire sale ratings and a huge sucking vacuum of fans leaving town like the Jews across the desert can do to improve my negotiation ability! Finally, I have the hair and the clothes I always wanted! Let's see Jill wear this black leather shit! She'll be drummed out of the Pat Benatar lookalike contest down at the drag club! The vastly superior male Pat Benatars will beat the shit out of her! "Open up the trenchcoat" my ass! I can rock this, Luke! I can rock this! This is so life-affirming! Fuck the drugs, Luke, you should've put me in these clothes four years ago!
Luke: You look like Sting in Dune, angel. And if I may say, your personal Captain Ahab always wanted to spear that particular whale too. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Laura: I don't care for your jargon.
Luke: Neither does anyone. I'm so old. Can I still drink myself to death, angel?
Laura: No. Laura demands strong-ass dick.

Seriously though: I'm sorry, but as beautiful as she looks up there (when I first wrote this bit about two weeks ago) , Laura is getting fucked on this return. Hard, long, possibly with a porcupine.

It's bad enough that I have broken my no-fastforwarding role to speed through the pointless hours of GH and watch only the portions that include Laura and the Spencers, because honestly it is that fucking bad otherwise. It's bad enough that Laura is only two or three days a week tops. But SRSLY that Luke and Tracy conversation the other day, in which Tracy spat out the Guza party line that Laura was a weak housewife who dragged Luke down and should've stayed with Scott, and Luke reacted with middling ambiguity and wistful desire that he wish he knew of Tracy's supposed longstanding affection for him years ago, was the last motherfucking straw.

You know what? I like Luke/Tracy. I do. Tony Geary and Jane Elliot are excellent together and she makes him interesting again. It's a worthy alternate pairing to Luke/Laura for me. Because honestly? I was never a big L&L forever shipper. I used to ship Luke/Alexis and I would love a good new pairing for Laura. I didn't think they earned that insta-fuckin-reunion in 2002 at all. Luke was still a fucking drunk railyard hobo prick who refused to acknowledge her first son, and Laura could've done a lot better. He's been unworthy of her for years. Guza and Geary took it way too fucking far when Guza took over in the '90s. While I understand the value and importance of Luke's dark side and his rogue nature, and the initial Cassadine return storyline and rape revisitation were fucking brilliant, they ultimately went over the line. Because, see, no, Tony, I'm sorry; I don't believe Luke views his sister as nothing but a whore. And no, Tony, I'm sorry, but I don't believe Luke saw hookers regularly while married to Laura. Tony Geary is a brilliant actor and rumored to be a brilliant script doctor, he deserves all the credit he can get for keeping a lot of integrity for a lot of characters, but he is also at least partially responsible for Luke turning into nothing but a fucking joke over the last seven or eight years. Luke should not be the fucking drunk town mascot sitting on a park bench counseling closeted Lucas Jones to go visit his favorite hookers down on the docks. Luke should not come and go constantly and still pretend he gives a fuck for his daughter. The "adventure follies" where Luke does something completely unrelated to anything, anywhere, ever and it's fun because it's Luke have gotten old.

Now, any new pairing for Luke has to address his total immaturity, jackassery and inability to take responsibility for who and what he has become, which is, in a word, pathetic. Luke and Tracy as a couple once seemed like they were poised to do that, and I applauded it. The chemistry was there, the acting was there, even the writing was occasionally there. But then he had Coleman or whoever the fuck it was fuck her in his stead, and then it just turned into another series of demeaning gag routines, and once again a promising new couple was ruined in exchange for more of the same. But, see, apparently Guza still thinks this is gold! Because he skewed the whole set of scenes with Luke and Tracy the other day totally in favor of Luke/Tracy, relegating Laura to the role of "deluded idiot housewife who never really understood Luke." I guess that's why Laura left Scott for him and lived it up globetrotting, because she hated the adventure, right? Right. Sure. What a crock of horseshit. And yet, they've been trying to sell this line for years. I tolerated it before because they couldn't really put it against anything to try to actively disprove it. But now, lo and behold, Luke and Tracy. Look how much better Luke/Tracy are, guys, OMG! Look how Tracy understands him! I will say this: The Luke/Tracy conversation was, taken on its own, very, very well written and performed. The actors were excellent. And, if it was about anybody other than fucking Luke and Laura I would not be really angry about it. But it was, and I am. It was skewed horseshit and people need to know it. I may be tired of Luke and Laura a lot of the time but they deserve their respect and their proper acknowledgement. They aren't getting it. But that's not the only reason I have to be really, really angry.

Persona: En hinna vid Ingmar Bergman

So it's rumored they begged Genie to come back. "Genie, come back, we need you, it's this anniversary, we'll suck your dick!" But here we are, right, and I'm trying to watch GH again for the first time in months on behalf of Laura Spencer and Genie Francis - because I'll tell you motherfuckers right now it wasn't because of Luke and motherfucking Laura - and what do I see, five days a week, jampacked into the whole hour, with barely any time for the sweeps superstar? Why, it's Jason and motherfucking Sam on the run, for what seems like the rest of eternity. Why are they on the run? What are they doing? Who are they running from? I have no idea. I don't fucking care. All I know is that they're on virtually the entire hour, almost every day, dressed like identical fucking matching Nazi leather queens (as opposed to hot-ass leather girls like Laura above) , toting toy guns and bitching about Ric and Lorenzo or something. And apparently this and the Sonny/Carly/Jax video monotone that I also FF through are so very fucking important that we can only have a fraction of the Luke and Laura this show knows it needs. You know, when you promote the hell out of the new young doctors and nurses, when your new promotional logo is that of a doctor's white lab coat, when you got big ratings out of the returns of Rick Springfield and Kimberly McCullough, and when you're banking on Laura Spencer to save your November, maybe it's time to begin to come to terms with the fact that the mob scene is fucking dead. Hospital logo, popular hospital characters, Luke and Laura, mobsters, which one of these things is not like the other? You sit there and watch this shit and Jason and Sam and Sonny and all their whole crew just smell dead by comparison to me. It's just dead. Kill it. Let it go.

Yet, they haven't let it go yet. The fact that they only put Genie fucking Francis, who they hope will save ABCD's sweeps singlehandedly, on three out of five days a week for maybe three or four weeks is incredible and unacceptable. The fact that they've done this with the story, and made sure to keep things like Luke/Tracy on the backburner and in the ready position for when Laura hits the road, is really disgusting and really unforgivably stupid. There was surely a better way to keep the Luke/Tracy stuff burning without having to run scenes like that that make at least one writer's feelings crystal clear to the audience. The plain facts are, you are never going to get 90% of the audience, if not more than that, to believe that Luke is "over" Laura and their love, has moved on, and is deeply interested in something with Tracy and "wishes he had known" of her interest years ago when he was with Laura. You are never going to get them to believe that Tracy Quartermaine and Luke's marriage to her are anything but an afterthought for him at this point. It can't work. And yet they wrote and shot and aired it anyway. Because all they can see is next month, post-Laura. It will cost them. And I will be paid in full, motherfuckers! Paid in full.

...What was I talking about?

DOOL - Friday, etc - Nick Fallonator Brings Sexy Back & Wants To Inseminate You

Oh, yes, ladies. That's right. He ain't gripping his central waist/crotch in a pyramid-like, Freemason-esque shape
for nothing. It's a signal. It's Nick Fallon's phallocentric vortex of love. Ladies. Laaaaaaddiiiieeeessss. And also, more likely, guys.

Nick Fallon orders you to nestle in his armpit hair. So get to it, bitches. The nestling, that is.

Damn! I just, damn! Damn.

Seriously though, it's been a great few weeks for the show since Hogan Sheffer took over, and an even greater one this week. He's adding the first of his new people, and among them is your new best friend and mine - mostly mine - The Fallonator. And I ask you, what's not to love? The charming functional, three-dimensional geek character who can win and be happy, the type we so rarely see in soaps. The great chemistry with future Nick's Bitch, Chelsea, who he will surely eventually fully extricate from her obsession with The Parents I Barely Know. The connection to the Hortons, specifically Marie "Whorish Nun" Horton. The dick-sucking lips. It's all great! Oh, I love him. Stay forever, Fallonator. Inseminate us all, you brilliant geneticist. That's right, I spoke for all of you.


Then came the drunken Bo/Billie almost-sex. Hawt. I was stunned to discover Peter Reckell still has a great, eatable chest and stomach. Anyway, very hot, very stupid for Billie. But it was also good closure, which they desperately needed. Still, you know...any time, more fucky fucky? It might be amusing. And then I'd want her off the show again. Which I already do, even though I think Julie Pinson is doing a great job in what is a pointless go-nowhere role. She totally inhabits the character's whole history, especially when, in the last few weeks, they made Billie discuss her addictions and her abuse by her father. Every choice Pinson makes is totally real. I also appreciate that the writers are taking steps to end Chelsea's obsession with the two of them, and rationalize it - that it's really about her need for acceptance and any kind of touchstone as a recent orphan (from the Bensons) than about Bo and Billie themselves, and is doomed to reality.


I thought Shawn and Belle with Victor was great. Hogan and the new writers are really taking pains to show Shawn and Belle as individuals and intelligent adults and it's really resonating with me. I can buy them as adults for the first time, and I can buy them together for the first time. I really enjoyed that stuff, and I love that Victor's scheming against them. Hogan's spoken repeatedly about his affection for the Victor character and his desire to show him and his family as powerful again, and it was clear that they wanted to remind people of Victor's place on the show. Good stuff. Shawn/Belle = Potential New Legitimate Adult Hotness. I accept your challenge, Hogan Sheffer. Ganbatte!

The Maggie and Caroline scenes this week have been smashing. People say Hogan Sheffer hates vets but honestly, even as just talk-tos, we see so much more of them lately and it's good material. That conversation between Maggie and Billie about addiction was aeons more adult than anything that's been on this show in over ten years. And look! They showed Maggie and Caroline talking to each other! In private! As friends! With no one else under the age of fifty there! And they are not immediately executed by studio guards! Oh, it is to love.

Steve and Kayla, great. I just, I have had enough of the budget edition of Outbreak. Please to make with the hot romance and cheesy '80s music.

Proof Abe and Lexie cannot have nice things: What happened to this fucking cake?! All that build-up to their wonderful dessert and they left it there untouched! What happened to the cake? Bitches eat your cake or you never get to eat again! Oh the anger!

Y&R - Tues - Questions, Questions, Questions

I've got questions, you have answers! Probably not considering these plots are written on the fly. Let's get to it!

Woah, woah, woah, when did Y&R hire Linda Hamilton? That female detective reminds me of her.

Neil: How are you feelin'?
Dru: I feel terrible.
Neil: Yeah?
Dru: I feel like something terrible's gonna happen.

Damn right, in the very next scene.

Dru: I know about jail, I've been there, I know he won't survive it!

Are you calling Devon a pussy? I'm not disagreeing! I just want to be clear. Cause then I can call him one too. Pussy. Deaf pussy.

Is Dru going to one of those grand jury hearings where there's a funeral processional?

The first scene of Neil and Dru commiserating over their situation wasn't terribly long but it has the beautiful benefit of being the last scene before You Know What The Fuck came on screen and my last shred of hope for Dily died.

Now if we have to put up with the return of the original performer for one character then I have but one question to ask:

WHERE IS HEATHER TOM?

WHERE?



WHERE?



WHERE?!

Why are you such a Bitch with a Capital C, Phyllis? Christ, I hate that heffa. You talking about Dru being capable? Takes one attempted murderer to know another, I guess, bitch.

Hoobastank and Nickelback? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's like they sat down and found the lamest and tamest "rock bands" to make Professor...Reliquary (? I haven't been paying attention, I think he might be Jewish? It's an invasion!) a fan of.

Why do I find it so hard to believe that Michael cares this much about the fate of the Winters' (The Winters this, the Winters that, isn't it fall? STFU)? Certainly he's grown and changed as a character over the years but he seems to be taking this case as a personal offense.

Who Killed Carmen? Was it NeilDruJackLilyDanielDevonMichaelSharonVictoriaorBrad?!

And The Most Important Question of All

Who cares?

Y&R - Eh

I have two weeks worth of shows to look at and I don't have the physical or mental wherewithall to watch them. A man can only cry so much, people.

Let me take a WILD GUESS as to what's happened.

• Nick and Phyllis were happy, happy, joy, joy.

• Everybody ran around looking for a goddamn art project.

• Gloria didn't die yet. Yes, "yet". Fuck you, I have to have some dreams.
  

• Indigo opened in record fucking time.
  

• Carmen died. So many suspects, so little motivation.
  

• Now everyone is running around town like chickens with their heads cut off. Mmmm, chicken. I had that for lunch and dinner. Well, my lunch was my dinner because I had like 25 wings and I can't even eat 25 wings in one sitting. So I brought it home, heated them up and they were good. Sweet and tangy barbeque. I should order from that place more. Where is that number? I can never keep track of things, so disorganized. I need a dayplanner. I'm going to get a dayplanner. How much do you think those things run for? I don't want one from the dollar store, everytime I buy on the cheap the stuff falls apart. Another thing I need to do, not be so cheap. But I digress.

You know, I survived Dru and Damon chasing a fucking flower in Japan for a month, Sharon getting chased through the streets of Wisconsin by a pack of Politcally Correct gangsta rapists, pedophile and rapist Kevin getting off scotfree yet this, THIS shit is what drives me away. Hmmm, is it me? Is it some pre-conceived notion I have that a new head writer brings change and I'm simply being unreasonable? Are these plot developments things I would have accepted were Jack Smith still in charge?

Alright, I just scanned Friday's ep. Scanned. I got the gist of the scenes and none of them seemed like improvements. A bunch of morons, boring morons, doing boring things boringly. Insipid plots that a fanfic writer would have taken under revision.

But since this is Davetta's last day I'll say something nice: White is her color. Girl looks good. I hope those Days rumors are true so I can finally jump ship to that show.

GH - pre-Thursday - This Ain't No Disco

Laura: I wish I still did coke so I could wear that dress.
Luke: No, you don't, angel.
Laura: No, I don't. Luke, tell the people to watch my show today or else I will beat them to death like Rick.
Luke: You heard my wife.
Laura: Thank God they conditioned my hair at Shadybrook. Do you remember what it was like when I left? I looked like Jessica Lange.
Luke: Oh, that's low, Missus Spencer.
Laura: That's really low.

Y&R - Tuesday - Dollyhoodrat

Oh Day-day, Imma miss yooooou, gurl.

Meet me on the trail, it's going down. Meet in the mall, it's going down. Meet me in the boardroom, it's going down. Professionalism in Genoa City runs rampant!

This whole Carmen Messed Up story has had two bright spots, Dru and Lily going all Crazy Black Woman on little Miss Delicate ("I'm so scared but I'll fight you, please don't hit, come on, hit me, I dare you! Ow!"). Normally I'd be all "God, can we stop with the crazy black chick stereotype? Please?" but honestly, I'm just glad that their ignorant ramblings are fun and funny and more enjoyable than all the other shite going down.

Next Week on The Young And The Restless: Nick and Phyllis honeymoon in Dollywood. The other guests question their class. Also, rollercoasters are now safe for the incubated.

"YEEEEEHAW!"

Shut the fuck up and SITTHEFUCKDOWN! What a trippy, stupid wedding. And it went off with "funny" hitches and Southern stereotypes, HOW IS THAT NOT FUNNY? Laugh, damn you! Phyllis is. That baby is gonna be born with hiccups.

I love that D.A. Will Bartlett has nothing better to do than visit Carmen at Newman, like he's her personal attorney. Which this seems more like, like a civil suit or something. I mean, 2 to 8 years? For giving the woman a fucking noogie? Shit, I should get a life sentence.

Michael...needs to stop calling that...child...Fenmore. It just sounds weird! Call him Finn or call him Premature Soap Infant #12,987. But no more Fenmore. Shouldn't Michael worry that Phyllis isn't Phyllis and that Sheila is Phyllis? Oh, right, he's dumb now. Forgot.

Lily: Bitch say what?
Carmen: What?
Lily: Thought so.

OH, I'm gonna miss you.

Y&R - Monday - Wicked Witch of the Midwest

CARMEN DESERVES TO DIE DIE DIE

OMG (say it out loud, O-M-G, like Beyonce), she SOOOOOOO deserves to die. 2 weeks of being TOLD she deserves to DIE and is gonna DIE has CONVINCED me that we need the bitch to DIE. I am but a Gumby or a Stretch Armstorng, meable beyond belief. Completely without my own thoughts, unable to understand subtlty, the only way to get through to this old noggin is to hit it REPEATEDLY with banal and uninspired writing! JINKIES JOY JEEPERS!

The MAYHEM will be ENDLESS (Endless Mayhem, it's the title of my forthcoming arena rock band album, in stores this November, cop that!) for this HORRID HEIFER! HOPEFULLYEEEEE!

Maybe her death won't be so violent, MAYBE she'll drown!

"Ahh! Ahh! Save me from a mismanaged character and heavy-handed writing!"

I can't believe Reva is hiding her cancer from Josh! So selfish!

Wait, wait, Y&R, right. Mah mind drifted.

Ashley and Mr. Kim, there is way too much testosterone in that room. Maybe they could share some with Kevin. And Michael. And JT. And Brad. And Jack.

Sorry but if they expect me to buy Brad being haunted by his past after 20 years of him being a big ole whore...well, I'm just not gonna. Brad had a sister he cared about deeply? SINCE WHEN? Brad saw the aftermath of his family's brutal murder? SAY WHO WHAT WHEN?

Just hack all over the baby, Gina. Bring your snot-filled teddy bear to the NICU where the premature infant is trying to not die. Allergies or not, that's moronic. And okay, oooookay, Sheila did not cut 2 feet off her frame and gain 50 pounds. I used to think Michael and Lauren were the smartest people on this show. Not so much anymore, huh?

Isn't it great how Phyllis is flying in her third trimester? Maybe they covered that? Maybe--whatever. You know, Phylick, your child is already borne of an affair, being married before the little bastard gets here isn't gonna change much.

You know I hope Phyllis is Sheila, maybe then we'd be rid of this GigglyHeffa we've been stuck with for months. I could totally get behind Sheila acting incredibly vacuous as Phyllis and Nick not catching on. You know, they're not known for their intelligence.

Nick: Phyllis are what? ARGHARGHARGH, vagina!

Base and unfunny, that's me! Deal.

DOOL - Monday - IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SERIOUS.

O RLY?

That's what Bo needs at the office - just a big old T-shirt with O RLY? scrawled on it. That's his whole attitude.

So, I really liked yesterday. I think they are trying to show more of people on the job, slowly but surely, which was the same reason I loved Hope and Abe talking about her work last week. I often forget Hope is actually a cop herself, as opposed to some vestigial appendage of Bo which escaped his body one night when he was drunk and throwing up after another night of homosexual panic among the Merchant Marine. I will give them time and latitude as to setting up showing more of people's occupations, as they are still cleaning out old plots. Though I have loved what I've seen of Kate in the office. For years, I wrote Lauren Koslow off as the worst caricature of soap acting, all simpering and purring every line and batting fuck-me eyes at nearly fiftysomething; I mean, that's all Kate's been for a long time. But in just a brief time, in those scenes with E.J., she's been more interesting than she's been in maybe a decade to me, and a lot of that is owed to the sparkling dialogue, but LK has also made it work too.

Don't that bitch know I's endangered?

Chelsea's plan was damn stupid and she looked completely ridiculous, like some kind of Muppet Show, grades K through 8 version of a hooker, and I swear to God that was a tauntaun skin she was wearing as a coat. And did she have to ply her wares on Sesame Street in broad daylight? Because that's what that set looked like. But all faking aside, don't play like it didn't occur to you right after the bust that you could've made a few extra dollars on a few rounds of oral, Chels. Like, "Oh snap! Why didn't I draw this shit out?" That's okay, girl. Hindsight. Hindsight. Seriously, I have swiftly gone from seeing Chelsea as a ridiculous, nevershouldalived irredeemable Teen Antichrist to an actually compelling character. Hogan's writing has already done did it for me, starting with those scenes with Stephanie that could've been a rote young bitchfest and turned into something else more honest and benevolent. And the scenes with Kate were great, even if the values the two espoused were not the best and Chelsea needs to get the fuck over Bo/Billie. So, I'm looking fwd to the char's future, even if a few more dumb stunts like this have to come.

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT SERIOUS.

Damn, Abe, I've got a new game you and Lexie can play at home, it's called It's Not Even That Serious. I love James Reynolds and think he's a great actor but now I'm not just scared of Abe when he finds Lexie, say, getting done up the butt by the pest control man, I'm scared of Abe all the time. What the fuck was that in the restaurant? Fists all up and flailing when Tek Produces The Ring? He's gonna trash the place! I love it! Abe, Abe, Abe. Abe! It's Not Even That Serious. And Tek, stop pretending like you want anything other than to not have to go back to being an unemployed former studio dancer from The Grind. "Marry me, Lexie! Come be Mr. Tek...whatever my last name is! I can be a contract player, we can be the black tentpole couple, we can do this!" In other, inconsequential news, I also loved Lexie and Abe's dialogue at the restaurant. "Want to marry me, have the most adorable kid in the world and live happily ever after?" Ooooh stop playing DiMera squeeeee!!!

Mimi and Bo's convo was great, and funny. "Please make sure Shawn doesn't catch a disease." And Bo learned a new word! "Condense." Seriously, though, it was delightful, despite Mimi being dressed like a Maoist or something. What was that about? I love that Bo still wanders around the office like Detective Casual Motherfucker. Paper cup clutched in his teeth like a damn animal, hair everywhere, wearing what looked like a CBGBs shirt, it's okay! Starting fights with the other officers, being surly and in his own place, stealing the files, it's okay! Until Abe spanks him. Bo: It Is That Serious.

I loved Kayla and Billie's conversation, too; again, it was adult and honest without being some juvenile bitchfest like the DOOL we know all too well. I love that Billie is rocking her gender-neutral, sexually-unthreatening Shirley MacLaine @ The Children's Hour ponytail and brown clothes. "I want you to know my box is not hot for Stnick today. Well, right now. At this moment. In the last hou...ten minutes. I await the arrival of an even more raw-ass man than he, perhaps one who has lost both eyes, or a finger, or a hand, to fuck me proper." Back off, Billie! Kayla and her various stolen Purple Rain ensembles have you in check. Game: Blouses.

How about you and your friends...take on me...and the Revolution.

Also, um, I like Shayna Rose a lot, I think she's a great, unique hire for daytime, but seriously, can they dial back on the OMG CUTE FAMBLY!!!11 stuff with her and the parents. She's coming off too Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap. At any moment, I expect her to break out with "Ain't I a stinkah?"

Okay. I'm out.

Shoot the J! SHOOT IT!! Good hustle.

Now is probably a good time to mention - or, you know, months ago would've been good too - that I shamelessly gank almost all my DOOL pix from Sheryl's Days Of Our Lives 2 MSN group and The Early Edition. Now watch me have gotten her name wrong. Damn. Damn!