Jul 21, 2006

OLTL - Why did you do this to me? I love you! I LOVE YOU! YOU BETRAYED ME! BETRAYAL!

In case any of you folks missed last week's classic "Spencer goes Ape on Truth Juice" scenes, here is a brief synopsis and transcription, complete with Paul Satterfield visual aids:


Spencer: Ohhh, mmuuugghhhh, feel so straaange, diff'reeennnttt...
Blair: Yes, Spinsurrr, sleeeeppp, SLEEEEPPPP and tell me your secrets.
Spencer: Suh? Muh? Buh? Drug? Drug me? Drug? Doctor! Doctor me no drug! No drug me doctor ganja! Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra! Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra!
Blair: Uh...
Spencer: Don't lie to me! I know, you drugged me, how could you do this to me, Blair? How could you do this to me?! I was saving the drugs for the wedding night! (beginning to cry) We, we, it was like this, baby, LIKE THIS, girl, why? WHY?! I thought we was cool!
Blair: Spencer, I haven't done anything, just relax...
Spencer (sobbing) : Ever since that first night, when I saw you...at the country club...and I stared at you for like four minutes without speaking, and you seemed a little freaked out, but not really, because you knew it was love too, ever since then, I've loved you so much, I'd do anything to have you, I even, I even had to give Margaret Cochran a gynecological exam, that shit was like The Legend of Boggy Creek, Blair! Like The Secret Of Nimh! I love you SO MUCH, Blair! (groggy, raving) I want to, I want you to impregnate me, with you, with your magical Valkyrie womanseed, and I can have a fanfiction male pregnancy, and rebirth you myself in nine months, fully-grown, so I can have given birth to you and proven my golden love!
Blair: ...Seriously?
Spencer: YES, dammit! Oh, your betrayal of my LOVE makes me SO ANGRY! Look at my nipples, they are ROCK HARD, fucking DIAMONDBACKS FULL OF ANGRY RED RAGE! (cups his ear to the air) Listen to them, Blair, these bitches are hissing! My angry nipples! They're hissing at you! Hissing because they know what you did! They smell your sin! Ssss! Hear them? Ssss! Sssss!! SSSSSSS!! AAAARRRRGGHHH! (throws table)


Blair (freaked) : Whoa! Whoa, whoa, Spencer, hey, calm down -
Spencer: No, fuck the coffee table, Blair, fuck it! It's gotten between us long enough, I'm framing it for the lamp's death, that bitch is getting the needle! (throws lamp) See? Lamp's dead, Blair! Lamp's dead, who did it? WHO DID IT, BLAIR?! WHO?!
Blair (inching towards door) : Uuuhhh...
Spencer (waving his hands) : No, no, no, baby, it's okay, baby, it's okay, no...no...I could never, I could never, I'm a doctor, I have, I have respect, sanctity, there's sanctity in every life, even if, even if I do bad things...(picks up another lamp on a nearby desk) See? See, Blair? See, this is the real lamp, it's still alive, it's still, it's okay, I just, that back there was just, that was just something I made to look like the lamp...I could never kill...could never...so pretty...it's like Kool Aid, Blair, I feel like the Kool Aid Man!...so alive, so full of energy, supercharged, electrified! I have the strength of ten men, Blair! It's like I fucked a unicorn in the ass and gained its magical horn of power! Do you see my horn, Blair? Do you? Look closely! I'm the Kool Aid Man, Blair, if I can pick up this couch and throw it it means our love is pure and true!


Blair: Uh, Spencer, you are not the Kool Aid Man -
Spencer: No! No more waiting! I have to fight my totem animal to save our love! UUUAAAAHHHRRRGHHH! (picks up couch and throws it, it lands with a huge crash; Spencer doubles over in pain) Oh my God! Oh my God! What a terrible mistake! I hurt so bad! It's cursed me with fire! My totem animal's cursed me with fire, in my back! That was a bitch move, couch! THAT WAS A BITCH MOVE! I'LL GET YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL GET YOU!
Blair: Spencer, if you just would stop throwing things -
Spencer: Why did you betray our love, Blair? Why did you date rape me? I need Preparation H for my brain, for my huge spongey brain! What have you done to me?! Oooh, my nipples are so HOT! They're telling me, Blair! They're telling me what you've done! What you're going to do! My abs are on fire with your treachery! Look at them heaving, glistening under the artifical light! Quivering in fear! It's okay, babies, it's okay, Daddy's here! I can't have your baby anymore, Blair! Die, bitch! Die! UUUAAAARRR!! (Spencer attacks Blair, attempting to choke her)



thankyougoodnight.

4 comments:

Deborah said...

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Shit on a stick, what IS this?? Well, whatever it is, it's fuckingwell AWESOME!!! My nipples are hissing at you!! Grr!!

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