Happy Birthday Irna Phillips. Not Everyone Hated You.

No, no, no, you're not listening, Marley dear, you're not listening, see, she, Deena, she - Dinah, yes, all right, fine - Dinah looks at herself in the mirror, and, and, and, she begins to address the, ah, the, the 'lady in the mirror,' sort of, ah, you know, speaking with herself. Yes, out loud. Yes. What? No! No, she's not - my, no, no, no, she's not mentally unsound! 'Crazy?!' No! Marley! Ellie! Ellen! Whatever, you and your fancy names! No! I've had enough! You and your - oh - call me when you back when you put on a proper skirt! And you tell that Reva she looks like a scarlet woman, and she's just a few chickadees too old for that! That old hen! Fine! You're still Marley to me! (slamming down the phone)

Oh, hello. Yes, it's me. Don't get all frowny, now, honestly, it makes your face look poor. What? Where - who told you that? Oh, for goodness' sake. I was at the corner shop buying sandwiches! Yes! And let me tell you, it's a longer walk than I remember it being! I think I need some cream for these corns! And the plays people go to these days! ...What? Told you I was where? 'Dea' - I mean, honestly! They wish! No, truly, now, you see, I haven't let Jennifer eat in about three weeks because I thought she was getting just a little too hippy, so I promised her if she finished yesterday I would go out and get her a chicken salad sandwich. But just the one. The rest are for me and the others. Jennifer is not to be slothlike or greedy. Jennifer who? Jennifer Sullivan, you nitwit! What's the point of keeping you folks here if you won't do the simple job any old script girl can do - well, of course this is still my office, who on Earth else's office would it be? Oh, a gaunt fellow tried to come in here a while ago, looked like Death on wheels; I'm afraid I had to hit him with my Tommy's paperweight, that gift he got me last year. No, he's in the closet. Until the police arrive.

My finest hour

Look, now, I don't have the time to keep running at the mouth with you, this is not Nancy's coffee klatch with Penny. And you are certainly no Penny! I know my Penny. Now what I'm trying to do here, before the show starts, is to just go over some of these horrendous other stories they've got going on the other networks. I know, just look at them! It's madness! I'm going to go over them, and I need you to dictate. You can do that, can't you, honey? I mean, it's not too much strain on your dainty little digits? Your rosy skin tone will remain intact? You know what I used to wash my hands with? Lye soap! Now sit down, be quiet, and take some blasted dictation. This is what happens when you let young people into the regular work force without enough schooling.

It is clear that Samantha's problems - her crossdressing, her whorishness, her general 'low woman' demeanor - stem from a lack of a firmer maternal hand in her day to day life and childhood. The less said about that loose-skirted horse playing her mother the better. I am sure if I was to take a bridle to her and bring along some sugar cubes I would have her firmly in hand, and there would be no more talk of 'five year contracts' or 'salary.' Oh, how
she'd whinny! And anyway, what does a silly little actress need a four figure salary for?! Who do you spend it on? How many television dinners, bags of Wonder Bread, and boxes of Borax-O does one working woman need, I ask you? The apartment can only be so big! As to Days of our Lives - that's certainly not my day or my life, I can tell you that - I am submitting six weeks of outlines - I will not call them 'breakdowns,' be quiet - three of which involve three to five days of Samantha, Carrie, and Hope Williams (who must report immediately for a complete blood and fluids transfusion or risk being replaced by me) talking to their mothers over coffee. It will be Folgers Coffee in every single cup or I swear to gosh you will all die by fire. In week four, "Marlena" will have a tragic accident in which she attempts to re-light the pilot light on the stove by herself and her womb combusts, killing her instantly. Offscreen. The young men's time will be taken up by them each in turn visiting that Father Jansen for guidance on their daily lives; then, Lucas, Shawn Jr., Phillip, Franklin and Maxwell will meet up at the local Young Men's club to shoot the breeze. Young Will will get a lecture from his grandfather about his hair, and will swiftly cut it after an unfortunate incident with the long-hairs at the soda shop leaves that Chelsea girl a blind-deaf-dumb amputee. Kayla Brady will grow that mangy dog hair of hers out or she will be fired and replaced by my Katherine, and Mr. "Patch" will find himself suddenly with two eyes, like a proper husband. Jack Devereaux will die in a fence-building accident, and Jennifer will settle down with a nice football coach with a daughter of his own. Oh, and Jack Jr. will return from the Air Force Academy looking for love, but keeping the secret of his deadly Lyme Disease.

You know, they call it 'General Hospital' but I call it 'Desi Arnaz and A Bunch Of Goofied-Up Sluts Who Like To Get Uggo.' I haven't seen such a sorry disgrace since when we gave Another World to little Jimmy Lipton. How are we going to fit all these people in a bus going off a cliff? Well, first of all there are too many lady doctors. A few is fine, appropriate, but there's just too many. Who is going to be at home to talk? That Robin Scorpio, I think we look alike, don't you? Don't you think so? No, no one really cares what you think, it's me they listen to, ever since Painted Dreams, since radio! And radio's where things should've stayed! Shut up! Anyway. Robin, nice girl. She can live. That disease of hers will turn out to be walking pneumonia, however. Yes, I think so. Very treatable. There will be a series of educational scenes about it between her and her mother and father. Robert Scorpio will become a policeman again and stop all his catting about. Anna will put on a decent dress and if she insists on getting up to all that business then she'll just have to do it as a physical fitness club executive, won't she? Carly, well, she's going to have to go. Yes, you see, in week three of my outlines, she and Michael and the little one go to the county fair, and while they're on the ferris wheel, the machine spins out of control and Carly is trampled to death by the mechanical horses. Offscreen. Yes, yes. Well, of course they'll stand for it, that's the stories for you! Be quiet! As for those two guidos, well, I'll tell you - Jason is going to juvie. No, that's right, Juvenile Hall. Yes, I think it's a necessary step; it's harsh, but Boys Town still does wonders for young people. He will come back in three weeks as a midshipman in the Navy. Samantha is going to become a perfume girl at Wyndham's. That, uh, "Sonny" - well. Well, well, well. Next week, Sonny is going to have another one of his little drinks, and it will eat through his esophagus, and as he is clutching his throat, he bumps into a drawer, which sort of slides open, and when the drawer slides open it hits him in the stomach, and he dies of a ruptured appendix right there in one of his fancy dan suits. And then the storm makes his house collapse on top of him. Yes. It's drama, you have to understand, this is, things work like this! Emily will begin to write children's books for a living, and that Maxie will become a nun. Oh, and that Cassadine Island - yes, well, because of the storm it will be set upon by carnivorous birds. No survivors. Right, yes. The birds take them all, pick the bones. Offscreen. Little Michael will go to Fat Camp in week four, now that's very important, we mustn't let the dangers of obesity go unspoken to. The medium is the message. Dillon Quartermaine will begin to apply himself as a scientist, and poor Georgie, well, she'll be abducted by a biker gang and will then have four of their babies. She returns with the babies in week seven, one is entering university. Oh, Georgie will also only be eating watercress sandwiches at the craft services table from now on, to try and bring her color up; if I see her with something else in her hand she will be barred from going to the lavatory for six months. And I think we've all had enough of that randy fox Luke Spencer, by the way. He drowns while trying to save little Kristina in the kiddie pool; he trips over his own feet. Offscreen. Kristina returns in week five as a professional chanteuse.

Oh good Lord. As if having split personalities was an excuse for anything. My Tommy tried that once when he broke the window playing ball and he got a paddling like you would not believe. Well, firstly, that Jessica and Tess nonsense. No. You see, it turns out that Jessica has been faking it all to try and get attention, you see, crying out in need of guidance. She wants to be called 'Katherine' from now on. And she's going to become a registered nurse. Antonio will die in a dancing accident. They're dancing at a contest at his mother's restaurant and he overexerts himself and dies of a brain aneurysm. No one notices for three episodes because they think he's doing "the Squirm." And then in week two, his daughter Jamie returns from finishing school and she's going to be a professional chef, and she wants her stepmother's man! Yes, that Nash fellow. Nash, Nosh, whatever. John and Natalie are both going to die by double hanging; some kind of accident with power cables at their apartment. Yes, offscreen. Oh, and that Evangeline, well, it simply won't do, will it? I'm going to be taking over her role. Now, don't be a race hater, I don't think in terms of skin color, and I won't have anyone on my staff doing so either! And also, Evangeline is going to become a professional radio copywriter. Cristian is going to cut his darn hair and become a crooner. Todd Manning is going to begin working at the Young Men's Club as a physical trainer and is going to renounce his ugly deeds before God, at the St. James Church - no, not that fornicator, a new priest. And Blair is going to begin to work at the ladies social club, until the club's new coat of paint turns out to be toxic and the fumes kill half the cast in week six. No, no, offscreen. Kelly, that, uh, Layla, Lindsay, Rex, Adriana, all of those. And Blair is blamed. She runs away to join the boardwalk carnival in Ocean City as a rouged-up dancing girl, and Todd has to go find her, but they have already married her off to the evil circus strongman. And that RJ? He's going to cut his hair and open up a new supper club for the gents. He and Bo and Kevin will sing barber shop. But then little Matthew will die when he skins his knee roller-skating and ruptures a blood vessel. Viki will also submit her recipe for the perfect egg cream to Diners Magazine, and Kevin opens up an auto shop to try and build a car of the future.

Now, as to our show, the first thing we have to do is handle the age trouble. Why, that Will should be 35 at least. And I don't like the look of that Maddie. I think gypsies will render her barren after she has one of their babies. And then dies of toxic shock. Also, why is Lon Chaney playing Paul? He should really be in the seminary, and for goodness sakes, that hair! You see, this is what happens when I go away for fifty minutes to get some lunch, people start growing their hair out, wearing unsanctioned articles of clothing, the lighting is all done up for color, it's out of control! Have you fired that Nancy yet? I told them to fire her! Why doesn't anybody ever - Kimberly? Kimberly! What have you done to your hair?...