Jun 20, 2006

OLTL - Mon/Tues - Here Comes The Crackdown

Disclaimer: This comedic sketch has absolutely no basis in reality as regards Trevor St. John, "Todd Manning," Roger Howarth, or Gizmo the Mogwai. It also has absolutely no basis in my feelings towards Trevor St. John - he's actually one of my favorite actors on the show, even if I don't care for the hypothetical pairing of Todd and Evangeline either. I respect the feelings of those who enjoy the characters' chemistry; this sketch is merely a farcical response to some of the strong negative fan reactions and outcry I've noticed towards this particular storyline playing out on "One Life to Live." I like Trevor St. John a lot and wish him nothing but continued success and years of longevity on "One Life to Live" and in show business, and I hope he wouldn't beat me up if he read this. I am also sure he is probably a very good drummer, even if I have never heard him perform. I myself cannot drum at all. I also happen to think that Renee Elise Goldsberry is a lovely woman and actress with a lovely singing voice, even if I don't care for Evangeline Williamson. I'm pretty sure she could beat me up too. I bear neither her, nor Mr. St John, any personal ill will whatsoever. The antagonist in this sketch may be a murderous, homophobic, evil bastard, but I am not, and as a gay male myself I am sure that Glenn Close movie was wonderful and touching and incredibly socially relevant. Finally, Gizmo the Mogwai is in reality a wonderful, cuddly friend to you and me who must not be fed after midnight. Thank you, and God bless.

Scene: Night. Trevor St. John sits alone in the darkness of his posh New York pleasuredome, deep in thought.

I wonder which drums have the better sound for me and Nene's next gig. Conga? No! Snare? No! No! These decisions are going to break me! I have to do better! Do better, Trevor! Feel the drumbeat inside! Nnnaaahh!!

Just then, a solitary figure emerges from the gloomy darkness.

Hey, Trevor.

(gasp) Who goes there?!

Don't you recognize me, brah? It ain't been so long...don't you recognize my voice? Here, let me turn on a light...



Yeah. What up.

H-hey...hey, man. I...I wasn't expecting company. How...h-how long have you been back in town?

Long enough, brah, long enough. You look good, Trevor. I like what you've done with the place. I like your rims. Like your car, too. Yeah, I saw it. Nice, roomy. Family size, sure, but it still got style, flash...lookin' large, livin' large, huh? Tell me somethin' Trevor: how you livin'? How you like it? All this posh?

I...I'm livin' well, man. I like it. I like it a lot.

And you remember where you got it from, don't you? Who made it all possible? You remember who your candyman is?

A-absolutely, man. Absolutely. I owe you everything, man. Without you I-I'd be nowhere. Me and my family owe you so much.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So...riddle me this, Trevor: Why you trying to fuck the candyman?


Oh, I think you heard. Why you trying to fuck the candyman? Don't you know he will hook your ass? What's the matter, Trevor? Girl you came in with not good enough to fuck no more? Had a taste of the big parade, now you wanna be a master of ceremonies, that it? Now you wanna be a daddy mac?

No! N-no, no, man, no...i-it's not like that! You've got it all wrong! I-I, I'm totally in your debt, I, I have so much respect for you, I just, I have all this fan mail, and everyone's talking about my work with Renee, about Todd and Evangeline...th-they, they call them, "Tangeline" --

I know that! Don't you think I know that?! Fuck you and fuck your imaginary fruit! Shut up your mouth! (deep breath, sigh) Haven't I been good to you, Trevor? Hasn't life been good to you? Haven't I done enough for you, for your family? Answer me.

No...no, sir, i-it's not that, it's just, I feel that --

You feel? You feel?

...You know what I did to Roger Howarth.


Yeah. You've seen. Motherfucker looks like Flock of Seagulls. Casting director hears he's coming, thinks it's Sandra Bernhard, bars the door. Roger Howarth felt too, Trevor. Roger Howarth tried to fuck the candyman. You know what Roger Howarth does now? Waits on the DVD launch party for Prey, that's what! Bitches never thought Debra fucking Messing would make it before Roger, what's up now? Know what else Roger Howarth does now? Goes to see Katie Holmes in Batman, that's what! Calls the set of 24 over and over and hangs up, that's what! Cries in the night! Hey, did you see Roger Howarth on Broadway in that Mamet play? No? Neither did anyone else! Oh, snap, Trevor! Oh, snap!

L-listen, s-sir, I-I-I didn't mean to defy you, I-I would never do that, I swear...can't we, can't we talk about this? Let's, let's just talk...

Oh, yeah, Trevor. Let's talk. Let's talk about that execution. Let's talk about you crying like a bitch all over that ho's rack. So much crying I thought it was Beaches. I thought you was Barbara Hershey in Beaches, about to die of a woman's disease! Crazy! Wiping your nose on Evangeline's breasts, callin' her 'dear' and shit, 'the truest friend I ever had?' 'The truest friend I ever had?' Is this Beaches, Trevor? Is it?! How about Fried Green Tomatoes? Driving Miss Daisy? Are you Miss Daisy, Trevor? Is it Turner & Hooch, Trevor, Turner & motherfucking Hooch?! Is that bitch Hooch? Is she?! You tell me!!

Aaah! Aaah, God! God!! Please - please don't - please don't hurt me!

I won't hurt you, Trevor, I won't. I won't if you bark for me. I won't if you bark like Hooch. If you bark like Hooch from Turner & Hooch. "Arf arf," Trevor! "Arf arf!" I don't, I can't hear you, I --

A...arf! Arf arf! Arf arf! Arf arf!! Aaah, God!!

That's better.

You know what people hate, Trevor? A musical rapist. People hate that. Conga, snare, samba, marimba, drums of crude oil, it don't matter. So fuck them drums, Trevor. Fuck them drums. And fuck those Tavantangelines. I ain't havin' it, you hear? I ain't havin' it. Here comes the crackdown. You wanna go back to the minor leagues, Trevor? You wanna go back to the gutter, back to reading Backstage every night? You wanna go back to your cable movies about Glenn Close eating carpet? You wanna go back to playing 'Third Motherfucker From The Left' in Denzel Washington movies on TNT? Nah, nah, of course you don't. Of course you don't. And who could blame you? You just got a little mixed up, that's all. You just got it a little twisted. I understand. I know how it is. I ain't mad at you, Trevor! I ain't mad at you. I love you, boy. Daddy loves you. We just got to nip this Tangorang shit in the bud, y'hear? We just got to rework things a little. We got to coordinate. Are you ready to coordinate, Trevor? Are you ready to get back in the game?

y...yes, s-sir.

Who loves you, baby?

d...daddy loves me.

Damn right.

I'm out. Got a meeting with Guza. I'll be in touch. Clean yourself up. And take off those goddamn rims.

don johnson-looking motherfucker.


Smart Alec said...

Oh, so that's what happened to Roger! Hee.

Agent Nemesis said...

I love you. No, I really do. I'll prove it by shooting you in the head while your having our love child.

Dandesun said...

That is some flat out insane brilliance, baby.

colormist said...

I followed the link from The Front Page. This entry was so kick-ass. Rolling on the floor laughing. Especially loved the disclaimer, the Roger tirade, "Tangorang" etc. Hell, all of it was good. All this gushing...I'm embarrassing myself. I'll go now.

Demig said...

Okay, so I don't watch that soap, but I read this and it was hysterical. You know when something is so funny you write that there were tears streaming down your face. Will I was crying like Trevor on Evangeline's bossum.

buckeyegirl said...

I just had to comment how much I loved this. As I read this, I was laughing so hard that I had tears running down my cheeks. This is absolute creative gold!! bravo!! bravo!!!

mcmolly said...

Brilliant, and just a little scary.

Anonymous said...

That was sick.......and hilarious

What made you think of Gizmo????