DOOL - Tues-Thurs - You evil bastards! Give me back my HAAAAND!

Strange Voice (whispering) : Psst. Phil. Yo, Phil! Phillip! Felipe!
Phillip: Whuh? Huh? Who - who's there?
Strange Voice: You know who this is, Phil.
Phillip: N - no! No! Not you again! Get out of my head! You're not real!
Strange Voice: Aw, Phil, don't play, don't play, baby, you know I'm like the Matrix, I'm realer than real! I'm realer than - oh, what's that? What's that? What am I - what's on my mind, onna tip a'my tongue? Oh yeah, that's right! I'm realer than your weak-ass leg!
Phillip: Nooooo!
Strange Voice: Hell yeah, playboy, hell yeah! That leg wasn't no good for you, baby boy! That leg failed you when shit was high-water intense! "Oooh, a landmine, I gotta jet, Phillip, because I's a pussy!" That's your trick-ass old leg, Phil! Flesh fails, playboy! Flesh fails! That's why I'm here, that's why I replaced that old leg. I got your back now, Phil. I got your back, your ass, your jock, your taint, I got all of it! I'm'a look after you, playboy! I'm'a look after us!
Phillip: No...(hiccup, snort)...you're not real...
Evil Leg: Yeah, yeah, shut up, whinin' like a bitch. We gotta talk, playboy. We got pertinent issues. I got, I got - I got a resolution I gotta, uh, put through the House, and I need to apprise you, you knows, get you clear on the issues. Y'see, the resolution goes a little something like this - ahem-hem - "Resolution of Recognition that that whore Belle likes the Hot Karl from Shawn punk-ass Brady."
Phillip: No!

Evil Leg: Aww yeah, Phil, she likes the Hot Karl! Belle likes the Hot Karl with Shawn Brady, she likes the Uncle Charlie, the Joe Versus The Volcano, the Devil Dinosaur, she likes it all, Phil! Only from Shawn Brady! I seen it, Phil! I seen it with my own two eyes! That shit is like Baskin-Robbins, 31 flavors of nasty-ass fuckery but it's all Shawn Brady, Shawn Brady-bought, Shawn Brady-owned, Shawn Brady-sold! Shawn Brady, the name you trust for freaky sex with Phil's wife! It's a Shawn Brady Fuck Emporium! It's a Shawn Brady Ass Expo '06, held at the Marriott Marquis, in the Sunset Room, with only one bitch on the confirmed guest list! And it ain't his wife, playboy! I promise you that! Bitch looks like Gadget from Rescue Rangers, sounds like her too! I wouldn't fuck that with your flesh leg, Phil! But Shawn makes do! Shawn makes do with your wife! They make do all ni-ight lo-ong!
Phillip: No! You lie! On Ceti Alpha V there was life -
Evil Leg: This is Ceti Alpha V! Phil, just let me handle it, baby, let me handle your business, like I always done. Ain't I been good to you, baby? Ain't I wiped your nose, dried your tears? Ain't I more of a daddy to you than your old-ass flesh one...
Phillip (snuffling) : Snif...yes...
Evil Leg: Then I got this, playboy, I got this! You hear? Just let me take care of it. Just let me handle this. It'll look like true love, baby. Like they went off together. I can dummy up the messages and everything, I'll take his car to the airport, it's all good. She'll have a little accident...then he'll get his ass checked...and then they both live happily ever after, six feet under the motherfucking ground. In the earth, Phil! In the earth! I'll take the car to the airport...I'll fake the messages...I'll even do the deed, baby. But you gotta help with the clean-up. And you can't go pussyin' on me at the croosh moment.
Phillip: I-I...I...
Evil Leg: I know you be wantin' this, Phil. That bitch is like Hardee's, her shit is atrocious but she stays open anyway. It can't be allowed, playboy! It can't be allowed. That woman is floutin' the rule of your law! I propose some motherfucking censure! Who loves you, baby? Who loves you?
Phillip: lance corporal stump, sir.
Evil Leg (Lance Corporal Stump) : Hell yeah.

I do have to say, though, this show is really improving by leaps and bounds. Jumbo the Holy Whale's plots are still in place, and there are definitely some cliffhanger and plot beats that stink of him, as well as some dialogue, but mostly everything seems to be rapidly reassembling into something much less ass. The dialogue, especially among families, seems earthier, but also more mature, more articulate. I never understood what Reilly was so afraid of, making people talk and act like adults instead of uber-Catholic children with thyroid problems.

I also don't understand all the desperate JERk apologism. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about! Even as people praise change for this show and cheer for the new writers, they seem to want some "out" to let JERk have some dignity, some excuse for his writing. There is no excuse. This motherfucker got his ass fired, okay? Let's be real. He was fired because his show ate donkey cock. He was brought back on by NBC as the magic miracle man who could save Days, let's give him whatever he wants, blah blah blah. Reilly got to do what he liked, until he fucked it up so bad that they had to make some changes. That island bullshit was the only way out of his crappy storyline. And I knew it was a rewrite back then, even when the whole motherfucking James Reilly Scouts of America Organization was all uppity and "No, James has a plan, a manifesto, it's a great vision, it's Gary Cooper in The Fountainhead, you dare not blaspheme him! Nobody rewrites James E. Reilly!" Oh, fuck you bitches. James E. Reilly got his ass rewritten and you all know that now and you know why. This show is NBC's bitch, it's not like the show made Reilly change his ways. Don't blame it on Corday when you know you can't. Everybody knows James Reilly's work on Days is a steaming pile of excrement, and yet even as they cheer for his ouster and replacement, some of these motherfuckers are still all, "oh, if only they'd let Reilly write, if only they'd let him have his vision, oh, I can't wait for him to dazzle us again!" You can't wait? Are you really sure about that? Did you really want more of Reilly's magical vision for that shit? It was shit then and you know it! You can't cheer for the new writers dismantling his work and then say, "oh, but he's still so wonderful, how dare Days treat him this way." There is no saving face for JERk. There is no way to keep his dignity for him, because his work has none. Stop trying to polish a turd. Look, I grew up watching a lot of his crap too. I loved Vivian, I loved Kristen, okay, I loved Maison Blanche and Billie/Bo/Gina. But otherwise it was pretty much all bad then, okay? The Possession was infamous and fun but it was bad writing, we all knew it, even then. It was written for children, and we're not children anymore. Put down the nostalgia crack pipe, y'all, and embrace adulthood. This motherfucker sucks.


Ahem. So anyway, the show is really improving. Hooray. I loved Steve and Kayla's Magical Mystery Tour...to the fucking jail. Even Mary Beth Evans could barely sell that long exposition about their history, though. "And then we were on another show, and you shot me, and I fucked you anyway! Crazy!" They're both so wonderful, though, I can't dog them much. I did think Patch's amnesia crack den was amusing, though. We know that motel room was a crack den, right? Steve Johnson smokes rocks. Patch, why did you have to drink old water from a popcorn tub? That did not look sanitary.











So clearly Power Glove (Glovey? Danny Glover?) here is not Kate. Fine. I can only assume that in true Reilly fashion this motherfucker is probably EJ the newbie or something. It better not be a DiMera. I swear to God, if it's Tony, I will - I don't know what, you know, it's just, there's violent implications, is all I'm saying. Lexie's leaving to take the damn call was hilarious. Who does that in the middle of the big confrontation? Only on DOOL. "Oh, yes, Lucas. Sami has much to answer for. And she's going to take it all, right now, in front of all of you. I only hope this apartment's structural integrity can take my righteous thunder - Oh, snap, I'm getting texted! Shoot! Brb, y'all!" (klomp klomp thump)



Sami's explanation for Lexie was just as bad. Whining about her parents and the damn fuck session on the conference table at Titan. Yes, Sami, we know. "Oh, it was tewwible, Austin! Tek and Lexie, they were, they were putting their thing down, flipping and reversing it! It - I thought he was huuuurting herrr!"

So, you'll love this, my output may get even scarcer! Starting next week, I start some full-time summer work on behalf of a certain party, and I am going to be out there nine to ten hours a day, five days a week. Clearly, my artistic/humorist goals have now degraded from "three updates a day for three shows," to "two or three updates for three shows a week" to "two or three updates for two or three shows per week." I'm going to manage it as best I can. And I do have some GH and OLTL material coming. Unfortunately, I am not nearly as funny as Darn. But I will still attempt to dance like a carnival monkey and entertain you. Dance, dance!

Jack and Jennifer: Getting Crunked & Wildin' Out '06