Jun 16, 2006

OLTL - Evangeline: Man Without Fear (Jase)

Okay, it's not brilliant, whaddaya want. I think the desired effect is there. Is there nothing Evangeline cannot do? She is a discipline of Stick! Her extrasensory powers allow her to sense, hear, "see" better than the sighted person! She prowls the streets at night, hitting the mitts over and over, right on target, fuck the blindness, fuck it! She pisses in fate's face! She is Daredevil! Only Higley's girl would magically hit the boxing mitts with 100% accuracy (Flawless Victory) while fucking blind.

Kelly seems to miss the point of Kevin throwing her stuff out of the carriage house. "You can't throw me out, forget my stuff!"

Kelly: Alright, you can throw all my stuff out but you can't throw me out. I'm going to squat here, Kevin! I'm your squatter! Starting now! Right motherfuckin' now! I'm going to live on the porch, on the front step! Sometimes I'm going to chill on the stairwell! I'm going to ask you for spare change every morning when you come out of the bedroom, and I'm going to be drinking from a half-empty bottle of warm Shasta, and sure, we both know you got spare change, I know you got spare change, you know you got spare change, but you're gonna lie, and that's gonna be okay, because I ain't goin' nowhere, I can't stop you! We both know I'd just spend it on ripple! It's all good, just ignore me, just ignore the problem, it's a social illness but it don't hurt nobody, it's okay, it's all right! Let me squat, Kevin! In your motherfucking house! You can't get away from me, Anna Mae, (taps forehead) 'cause I'm in heah!

Vincent still looks like a broke ass Sisqo. What was with his speech today, about the mystery of his coming to Llanview being like a "delicious meal?" What? "Oh, I know you wonderin' why I'm here, McBaaaiinnn. I know you cuuurious. Ooh, that's how I like it, it's a delicious meal, it's like Danny Cheong takeout, the mystery, ooh, I'm'a chow down, yum yum, nummy muffin kookoo butter, mmmm, I'm'a make you hunnngrrryyy for the answerrrr...you order you some Vincent Jones now, you get a side of crazy bread...mmmm..."

Finally, this bitch is dead. And not a moment too soon. Some people say it was anticlimactic, that it didn't reward the viewers who needed to see Margaret take it from someone she'd harmed or maimed or raped? Whaeva. I got my reward. She is dead. She is finally dead-ass cold stone ice slice dead. I never want to see Tari Signor again. I know, maybe that's harsh, I'm sure she's a very nice lady in real life, I hope her kid's doing great, I can't fucking stand the woman's acting. I am tired of her face and so, so fucking tired of her voice. I never want to look at her again. And I really didn't need Margaret's last day to include a bird's-eye-view of her sweaty rack.

Evangeline wailing away in the hospital. "I know you did this, Spencer! I know you killed that woman!" Vangie, that may be the one thing he did not do.

Spencer (laughing) : Oh, sure, Ms. Williamson. I killed her. I crashed the van. And I suppose I, ah, turned into a caaaarrr and took to the streeeetttsss and hunted her dooowwnnnn, and attacked... like this... (hunches over, still laughing, arms lowered to the floor like a car's four wheels, and begins racing around the hospital hallway making driving noises with his mouth) Vrrrr! Vrrrrrr!! Ahahahaha! Aw, shit!

Evangeline (sobbing) : Oh, God, John, make him stop! Make him stop!

John: That's enough, man!

Spencer (laughing and running around) : Vrrrr! Vrrrr!! Vrrrooooommm! (runs towards Bo) Uh-oh, Commissioner, look out, pile-on! Aaaahhhaahahaha! Aaahaaahh!! Oh, look out, Blair, look out, here I come! Robots in disguise! Aaahahaha!

Blair (shielding herself) : Okay, Spencer, that's really -

Spencer (laughing) : Vrrrr! Vrrroooommm! Vroom-vroooommm! TeeheeheeHAAAAA -

Bo: Truman!

John: It's enough!

(Spencer finally stops, looking up, sheepish.)

Blair (very quiet) : ...it's really enough.

Spencer (straightening up, clearing throat) : ...Bitch is talking crazy.

Notice that Blair did the unacceptable, the unthinkable today when she mocked Evangeline's blindness. That is head writer Dena Higley's not so subtle indication that Blair is, in Higleyworld, now not only racist but Hitler. She will now be referred to as not merely Blacist, but also as Blitler. It was a real pin-drop shocked silence amongst the characters when she said that, too. I expected Bo to clear his throat, say, "Blair, would you come over here, please?" and then sock her in the ovaries. Because that's what people who dare to impugn Evangeline's tragic loss get. Ovary chuckpunch. Recognize the power of St. Cookie. I've been doing it for weeks, I know my nonexistent male ovaries are next. It's only a matter of time. I lock my doors, I don't sleep, it's all coffee, we're kicking it like Heather Langenkamp in Nightmare on Elm Street.

And now, your goofy soap tie-in Civil War sig of the day. Pick it up at your local comic shop wherever fine and not so fine comic books are sold. Poor Peter Parker. Brave man.

1 comment:

mcmolly said...

If we actually got that Spencer Truman, I would like the character. That was brilliant, man.