Jun 16, 2006

OLTL - Friday - Your Wings Are Delicate, Butterfly

Jase: [Jase's best friend] calls our humor "base." Our first review!
Darn: Wow, I really asked for his opinion. He calls our humor base yet is intimidated by you mentioning a foreign movie. Whatever. ...I dunno. Look at us all base.
Jase: We should put that up sometime, a press notice. "It's a little...well, base." - Jase's best friend
Darn: That's your tag right there.
Jase: The upcoming Fake Latino Holiday show on OLTL, has a guest singer, Jeannie Ortega. As I said elsewhere, Jeannie Ortega is Spanish for 'broke ass Shakira.'
Darn: Jeannie Ortega? Oh God. No. Is she gonna sing?
Jase: YES. I have no idea who she is but YES.
Darn: I know her, I know her song.
Jase: The Latino chars will be, I swear, CELEBRATING A FICTIONAL LATINO PRESIDENT. According to TPTB.
Darn: Fucking GOD. I am so insulted. Really, for Latinos everywhere.
Jase: They might as well have had a holiday dedicated to Edward James Olmos' character from Miami Vice. "Lt. Castillo Day." Big ass paper mache statue of Castillo as a ninja. "You didn't say he was Thai!" Only five people will get that joke. I wish I was Latino so I could be more insulted about Fake Latino Day. Is it too late?
Darn: Never.
Jase: Why don't they just make up other holidays too? "Superhappyfun Eve." Why stop once you start?
Darn: Blind Black Female Lawyer's Day "It's MY day Crishun! MY DAY! NNNNNEaaaH!"
Darn: Laura Lenney is so good.
Jase: Linney, you illiterate fuck.
Darn: Oh fuck you! [tussle]
Jase: "[tussle]"?
Darn: Yes, we're having a street fight.

Jase: I'm glad you let me know. You know the next Fake Holiday is coming soon. "Honorary Seth Anderson Day." Just a shameless attempt to cash in on Superman Returns. With Seth in a totally obvious Superman pose. "Seth died to save the city from Brainiac, Dad!" "I know, Matthew. I know."

Darn: Natalie: He made me a woman, you know. Oh Seth. Oh Seeeeth.
Jase: And Cris and Huffy can act all important. "We knew him before he was...a hero." Wink, nudge.
Darn: We can have Brandon Routh guest star and threaten to smite us.
Jase: Lots of obnoxious in-jokes about fuckin Superman. "You might say Natalie was Seth's Kryptonite! I don't even know where that came from! Ha ha!"

So of course I celebrate Margaret's apparently final demise yesterday, and what does she do? She comes the fuck back. Oh, sure, she's still dead, but that doesn't mean we can't have a wacky fantasy with Tari Signor hamming it up like she's on amphetamines one! last! time! Flinging open doors, shoving her face at the camera, yowling, bugging her eyes out, wavin' 'em around like she just don't care...and then, also? I didn't need the Evil Dead 2 camerawork or cutting. I know from Evil Dead (and so does Kassie dePaiva) . It wasn't necessary, especially with Tari Signor's, uh, striking face and the even fuglier makeup, and it just was hilariously stupid. And not hilarious as in 'ha, fun!' anymore. We passed 'ha, fun!' with Margaret like...eight years ago? Fifteen? I lose track. Oh, 2004? Whatever. I'm starting to judge the show's timeline as 'Before Margaret' and 'After,' if indeed there is an 'After.'

Also? Didn't need to see Margaret hump the autopsy slab. Okay? I'm just saying. Didn't need that in my life. Did not need bowlegged, gyrating Margaret grinding her crotch into the slab. No thank you. It figures she'd leave me with something scarring like that. Fuck you, bitch.

Rex cannot be that bad of a cook. Come on now. "Dur, do the eggshells go in the pan?" No, Rex, and also, remember to use the toilet when you have to piddle. But what's this "the toast goes last" shit, Adriana? Bitch, you eat the toast when I make it. Let the stalker make you toast if that's what you want, damn. Fancy-ass stalker with his Eggs Benedict and his killing you.

I love the goofy-ass "scary" stalker notes, BTW. "Spread your wings, butterfly. But carefully. Your wings are delic - " OMGWTFBBQ I DROPPED THE BUTTERFLY AND IT BROKE! SYMBOLISM!! You know some asshole was in the writers' room today looking up from doing his line and seeing that scene and patting himself on the back. "Yes! That was hot! I'm a visual poet! Fuck, yeah!" Idiots.

Spencer was really hot to trot about "going upstairs" with Blair. And by "going upstairs" he meant "doggy style." "Have sex with me right now or I will snap your neck I swear to God." Also, Blair, when Spencer says he will keep you warm like the food, that means incubator, hot lamp, nest, etc. Enjoy.

John (to Natalie, tossing hair) : If you really wanna know who sent you those roses, you better dust for prints. And then, you know, recheck. And then blacklight. DNA matching. Experts. And then - and then you know what you got on me? Nothing. Nothing. (throws shit off his desk) I'm a ghost, bitch, I'm gone. Fuck this shit. (storms out)

Oh, wow, gee, Claudia backed up Adriana in front of Dorian for no reason andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, Natalie. "Jess, remember, we're all here for you. Except Joey. And Kevin. And your uncles. And Kelly. And Cris. And, look, nevermind, just, just watch your fucking tape, now I'm pissed. God. No, Mom! No! (storms out) "

Was that tape seriously with Bo the whole time? You know he taped over it with fucking football. Or Blue Collar TV or some shit. The sad thing is, with Dena Higley in charge this is not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Angelina: I always had a thing for Lt. Castillo too, mijo.

And now, your obligatory goofy Paint Shop image of the day:

Peace out.

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