Jun 18, 2006

DOOL - Friday - The Postman Only Rings Eight Thousand Times

Soft musical cue...


"I can shooow you the wooorld, shining, shimmering, spleeendiiiddd...tell me, Abe Carver note, now when did you last let your heart deciiiide?..."

"...I can oooopen your eyes, taaake you wonder by woooonder...over sideways and uuunder, on a maaaagic postal riiiide!"


"...A whole new woooorrrlddd! A new faaaantaaastic poooiiint of view! No one to teeeell us no! Or wheeere to gooo! Or saaay we're only dreeeaaaammmiiiingggg!..."


"...A whole new woooorrrrld (don't you dare close your eyes) ! A dazzling Abe Carver I neeeever kneeeewwww! But when I'm waaaay down heeeere - it's cryyystal clear! - that noooow I'm iiin a whoooole new woooorrrrlddd with youuuu..."

I hope you all enjoyed me raping our collective childhood. I know I did.


"Abe Carver." "Abe Carver." "Abe Carver." We get it. Hasn't this idiot been dropping random "Abe Carver" notes all over town for a few days, or is it me? Didn't he drop one in the fucking bushes the other day? Is this a scavenger hunt or is (s)he just really inept? We all know it's Kate, right? You saw the look she shot Abe while he was reading the letter? Fucking Kate. I respect her need to bust Sami because I am sick of Sami's ass too but Kate and Billie, just, they gotta go at this point. Nothing left to do. Unless Kate was to get into a saucy lesbian affair with a younger woman. That I would watch, not because I'm straight, but because it would be something new. Seriously, just kill Chelsea off. Let the bitch go crazy and have to be put down to save someone else, like Cujo - basically the same story, right? Or let Hope kill her! Or Abby. Or something. That would be a reality-based shocker that would have nothing to do with fucking microchips that make John turn into "the mercenary" and fuck passers-by in the ass at knifepoint, or diMera mind control that makes Marlena kill half the townoopsnotreally, or secret tunnels through the center of the earth that send people's coffin/prisons to a tropical island not far away.

Look at the hilarious look of revulsion that crawls across FuglyBelle's mug as Phillip yammers about his low sperm count. "Eh, why is he talking to me?" And then her response as she tries to cover about the low sperms: "Actually...maybe it does." And then that's it! No follow-up to that conversation! WTF? WTF? Now, mind you, I don't know if Fuglelle here knows that Claire is not Phillip's, but still, what is she going to try to say? How stupid does she think this man is? How stupid can he be? "Uh, we just had a baby six to eight months ago, you conceived her like a year ago, so your nuts need time to recharge. It could be another year before you could shoot again! You need to train! Train, Phillip! Train for me! Train for us!"

Traces of Reilly writing aside, I for one think Kayla is talking to her live-ass friends about dead-ass Steve a little too much at the live-ass wedding party of live-ass people. Look at the expression on Jen's face! "Okay. Kayla. Seriously, stop. Seriously. You're bringing us down." Also, there was no need to dress MBE like Liberace. Fringed sleeves. No need.


And, she keeps pushing the envelope on Appropriate re: Hope, Bo, dead son, evil daughter from hell. This is a light social function! Kayla, you ass.

Kayla: Hope, honey, listen to me. You still have Bo. He's still here! All I have of Steve - is memories. Hazy, watercolor memories, and this Footloose soundtrack tape that was playing when we did it in the car. And his glass eye. Let's not talk about what I do with that. But Bo is still here, honey, and I know, I just know that as long as you two are both still here together, you can work this out...
Hope: Okay! Okay! That's enough! It's enough! Fuck you, Kayla! Goodbye, Jennifer! See you at your fucking wedding! Fuck! (storms out, slams the door)
Jennifer (sighing) : Kayla...
Kayla (dreamily) : Steve did love to fuck. Before he died. Not after. That would be inappropriate. Steve was a very appropriate man.


Now is the coming of James Scott, human masterwork. Very hot. I hope his character is not pointless under Sheffer. I hate Sami's endless cycles of repetitive behavior to the point that it makes me hate Sami, and I hope the new writers can break her out of those, and they can start by cutting Austin and Carrie. Austin Peck seems to have actually improved quite a bit, but that doesn't change the fact that those two gotta go. No point for them to be back. That whole story is retarded, and Christie Clark now looks a bit like a shellacked, anorexic chipmunk. And Sami needs to grow the fuck up. Put the spurs to her, James Scott! I can't believe they won that contest. She was not that good at all.


Drunk Bo ("Dro," if you will) is my new favorite person on the show. If Bo was drunk all the time he would a fabulously fun character. Did anyone expect him and Frankie to stagger home together and have a furtive inebriated circle jerk? I know I did. Bo calls him "Hope" by accident, it's really uncomfortable, they never talk about it again, even though Frankie's all into it afterwards...



And now, your old hotness moment of the day:


3 comments:

Smart Alec said...

Aladin theme music complete with "don't you dare close your eyes" echo?! Fuck, that's funny. Poor Abe. I have no clue if the years have been good to him, but Friday's preview of Lexi scampering around for her underwear like a cheap hooker is probably not going to be pretty... or you know, high on the good acting scale. Where is Celeste?! Don't her psychic capabilities let her see shit like this before it happens? Could she not have let ole Lexi know her skank attack was going to get an audience after the intermission?

I'm all for Carrie and Austin leaving town and never coming back. Carrie inherited Marlena's holier-than-thou attitude, and since the plastic surgery gods have been very good to old Dee I'm betting she's here for the long haul, so really, we only need one self-righteous bitch - Carrie can jet off.

I think Sammy, Lucas, Billie, Billie's brat and Kate are all really played out as well, but maybe Hogan's got a plan. That being said, he's not so much for the vets over 40.

MBE looks good but the hair do(sp?) needs to go. She had the same spikey one on GH and ATWT, and that's gotta be 10 years at the very least. Grow your hair out, don't talk up the baby killer and the baby killer's daddy to Hope, and change your clothes.

jase said...

Oh, I don't need Dee either, personally. I know, I know, cornerstone, emblematic, long-running, etc. but really I see vets like Dee/Marlena and Invader Zim/Reva on GL as a hindrance. The characters are just embarrassing (in Reva's case as well) or unbelievable now. I mean, Marlena's been a serial killer, the Devil, probably an alien, brainwashed a million times, I can't take her seriously as a person anymore. I don't think I could ever take Marlena seriously as a character in a sane soap story anymore. And I think the Botox killed DH's talent.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious stuff Jase!! But damn dude....what ya doing to me? You got that Carly & Lawrence photo in there... Damn!!! Thought for a minute it meant .... *something* EEEEAAK!! Coming at ya from Australia here (where we are about ten months behind) ... us poor poor suckers still suffering the Reilly CRAPOLA ..... DAMN it!!! Can't take it a minute longer. Damn .... The ONLY thing I've ever wanted from this goddamn torture house of a show for the last , like over a decade is for that demented bastard Reilly to be gone gone GONE..... And for Carly and Lawrence (or AT LEAST Carly ) to return. Now that's not too much to ask is it? Bring on Sheffer I say and since it was that talentless jerk Reilly who was responsible for their departure -- absolutely no reason why they can't come home to Days now baby. Right?
Do something Jase... Make it happen , please?