Jun 17, 2006

GH - Friday - My Romulan Nanny Ate My Baby

Goddamn, they were hot. That's how you do a story. And Culliton dumped it when he took over from Guza. That is one situation where I must unfortunately say, 'fuck Patch and Kayla.'

Anyway. Nikolas, let me preface my remarks here - I'm not saying you're dumb. I have said you're dumb in the past, and roided out, and hooked on that junk, and freakishly overmuscled, and a Hulkamaniac!, and also dumb, but I'm not saying it right now. I'm just saying, when your nanny looks like this? You should know immediately that she's evil. Also, her creepy placid demeanor and her Witness clothes. Of course, we all realize this is subliminal Guza language for 'the poor babynappers were right, Carly wuz raht, Nikolas is wrong and stupid just like Robin, look what he's allowing to happen!' I am so sick of being able to read all my shows like a fucking kindergarten primer.

Let's be real here: Carly was thinking about eating the baby. She's up against the wall, how many options has she got? She was desperate for any excuse to not have to give up Baby John and eat shit over what she did. Any excuse. "You - you got another nanny? You want, you want to, uh, make your own parental choices about child care? Parental choices? What the fuck? What the fuck? (throws purse across the room) Hold me back, Jax, hold me back! We outta here! We outta here! Bring the baby!" (klomp klomp klomp) It isn't even about John for her, it's about Robin and Nikolas and all the people who Carly thinks persecute her whenever they find out what she's done this time and try to hold her accountable. I swear if Jax had not been there to stop her, Carly would've eaten the damn baby so she didn't have to give him up or any of her pride. With a smirk. "What's up, Nikolas? What's up now? Bitch."

I loved Jason's idiotic befuddled expression when he saw Justus and Lainey's public display of affection. "Are - are they allowed to do that?" I would mourn poor Justus, but I'd be mourning (right-wing Republican but fine-ass man) Joe Phillips' wonderful Justus, and he's long gone. I can't even mourn the spirit of the character as I did for, say, Al Holden or Duke Buchanan, because that's gone too. Justus has been a happy laughing boy for Sonny, Jason, and the mob for long enough that I don't recognize the past anymore, and Mfundo Morrison, while very, very handsome, is not much of an actor and has made the character mostly just bland, or when not bland and two-dimensional, then smug and personally unattractive. This Justus is not a person I ever enjoyed seeing. At best he was tolerable; at worst he was a sleazy, ho-loving trick (remember Justus confronting the Token Black Lawyer Girl with all these hos hanging off him, and Justus just laughing at her for daring to be intelligent and "uppity?") or an obnoxious, dated "spiritual man" racial stereotype, busting out with hymns and prayers that had no bearing or basis on or in the character. So no, I will not miss Justus the way I did A.J. or even Chloe or Kristina. He's proven to be just not worth it. And goddamn that suit did not fit him. I wear ill-fitting clothes with a clueless, devil-may-care laugh everyday and even I saw that. It looked like a paper doll cutout situation.

If there's one thing this terribly Too Much Information, "Mo & Paula" manic depression storyline for Sonny has brought us other than the continued hilarity of Soily, it's Maurice Benard's laugh-a-minute "serious" bipolar symphony of Acting. It's "Maurice Benard: Mummies Alive!" He has Jazz Hands! He dips up and down and all around! Watch out for his eyes! Watch out for his dimples! Ooh, the dimples of a crazy crimelord twice your age who drinks too much and mistakes you for his dead wife and ponders killing you in your sleep! It's fucking hilarious.

(Emily leaves the drawing room. Sonny immediately stops smiling and goes to the phone.)

Sonny (into phone) : Max. Yeah. (scratching cheeks like a junkie) One thing...kill Emily. (abruptly hangs up; long pause, then Sonny picks up the phone again, redials) Yeah. Max. Yeah. Uh...belay that...order. No sale. No sale. Yeah - oh. Yeah. Yeah. (hangs up again; another long pause. Then, Sonny whirls around and picks the phone up again in a flash, no dialing) Stop calling this number! Nnnaaahhhh!! (hangs up)

But you know what, we're not supposed to be laughing. We're not supposed to be laughing. I shouldn't be laughing. I apologize. I've gone too far. I've taken it over the line, see, because this is a Very Important story that has been years, years in the making. And General Hospital wants you to know that. It's a Very Important, very heartfelt, touching, emotional story about a man's struggle with mental illness, based in real-life events and experiences. It's an emotional story about a man, a short man, a fortysomething man about the height of Dakota Fanning, who pushed his pregnant mother down the stairs because she was a "whore" and fell in love with a man. It's an emotional story about a man who blew up his own penthouse with his wife and several bystanders still inside, a story about a man who shot his pregnant wife in the head while she was giving birth and he seemed to mistake it for Lorenzo Alcazar trying to eat her out, a man who responded to her post-traumatic stress by taking hostages and then fucking the hostage and installing her next door as his latest pregnant whore. It's about a man who is fucking his stepson's girlfriend who he's known since she was eleven. This is the explanation for all of it! It explains everything! What - what the fuck is wrong with you if you don't get it? Are you - are you saying it doesn't matter? Are you saying - wait, are you saying that Sonny is still a, a violent misogynistic sociopath who has to take responsibility for his actions? That is so knee-jerk ign - wait. Wait. "It's not an excuse?" Are you - are you actually, is that seriously what you're saying? It's not an excuse! It's not an excuse! We're not saying that! We're not calling it that! How dare you try to marginalize this story?! It just, it explains everything! It's just, he's sick, he's sexy, he's romantic, he's young and virile and strong and peaceful, but he's sick, see, it explains it. This is what every young woman watching at 3 PM needs to know about bipolar disorder - completely separate him from his actions in the past or his actions towards you, don't put the blame on him, don't make him accountable, no matter who he is, no matter what he does, blame the disease, not the carrier, make it an intellectual, detached issue, even when he goes around killing people or battering women hand over fucking fist. It's an illness, see. It's a sickness. It's not him, it's not your sexy older boyfriend who they still give the front page of Soap Opera Digest to, see, it's the illness. The illness is just a six to eight week storyline, it'll clear up, he's still hot. It's not him, don't look at him like that. Don't try to marginalize it, that's ignorant. It's Very Important. They'll probably have a PSA to tell you all about it, if they haven't already, I'm not sure. Anyway. I apologize for my tacky, classless commentary on the heartwrenching, sensitive, important Public Service that is GH's bipolar storyline. I'm sure Claire Labine is thrilled, sitting there watching and eating the government cheese.

The nanny search scene was supposed to be funny and it could've been if I wasn't so pissed at GH for a lot of things (even though I think it's shown shocking improvement in the last six months within the confines of a very shitty canvas and structure) , and if the comedy wasn't so obvious and broad. You all know that was Guza as the fourth, "cod liver oil" nanny, right? It wasn't just me, right? At least it wasn't Maxie as I'd suspected. Seriously, you know she'll come next when Sub-Commander Seklat over there gets busted as Helena's mole. "The Prince & The Nanny." And she's still way too fucking young.

Carly (cuddling with Jax) : You know, if you want noise, I can get the boys over here.
Jax: Ah, no, thank you, but sorry. They smell like milk. That red one's going to Fat Camp. He's - he's not allowed back into my presence until he loses thirty pounds. (big dazzling grin) Okaaayyy? Cuddle! (he cuddles her)

Manny Ruiz, Motel Housekeeper. Manny - Manny, you forgot to leave a mint! You forgot to leave a mint!

Cover up, say goodnight.


Agent Nemesis said...

I love you so much I want you to have my baby so that I can shoot you while in labor at the house I bought you to get you out of my dangerous life.

Having just started really getting into the Y&R online threads and a long, long time GH stalker.

please, sir, may I have another?

lizzbert said...

This is genius. Love it!!!!